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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #16  
Old 07-31-2009, 08:46 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 4 posted!)

Well, seeing as how I stumbled upon this, I might as well comment.
I really love the story so far, especially how Hayden didn't win his first gym battle. God knows how many times it took me to beat each gym leader when I first started playing.
A thing that strikes me is how fast some of your battles end, especially the one with the brat in Viridian Forest. A Rattata being taken down by a single Gust is pretty amazing, save for Critical Hits...or that training is really doing wonders for Hayden's Pokemon.
Nothing really more to say except good going so far, and I can't wait to read more.
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2009, 04:12 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 4 posted!)

Whoo a new reader! And one who wants to read more! Awesome!

Thanks for your comments. The battle with the kid in Viridian Forest was supposed to be short... yeah the one-shot moves (Caterpie's Tackle taking out Spearow?) were ridiculous, but it's supposed to be that way in that particular battle. You're going to be seeing more of that kid, by the way...

Anyway. I noticed that Hayden and Klaire's practice battle in Viridian was kinda "short" too. I do have a few too many OHKOs, huh? Looking back, it does kind of seem that way. I think the battle with Brock was all right, though. I'll be making sure to avoid the ridiculous OHKOs more from now on, though. I think it was mostly that this is my first time writing Pokemon battles, so I guess I kind of rushed them or something. I'm working on it, I promise.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it, and thanks for the helpful comments!
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  #18  
Old 08-02-2009, 02:56 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 4 posted!)

I LOVED this chapter!! Hayden is going to be a great battler someday I think. You're definitely getting better avoiding OHKO's, but I think that Hayden's second battle with Brock's Geodude in the rematch battle was a little too short. I understand it was a type advantage, but still, I personally think it could have gone a little longer. But all in all, the battles were great! I'm glad Hayden was able to learn from his defeat and come up with a strategy in order to win the rematch. I can't wait to see what will happen next!! ^^
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Old 08-05-2009, 01:52 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 4 posted!)

Okay, so this chapter and chapter six were originally one chapter. But, this part kind of grew and became quite a bit longer than I originally thought, so I've since split Chapter Five into two parts, and the second part is just Chapter Six. Hope you guys enjoy this one!

Chapter Five: Siblings Reunite!
Location: Outside Mt. Moon, Kanto Region
Characters: Hayden (current team: Bulbasaur, Pidgey, Metapod, Pikachu), Klaire (current team: Charlie, Ratsy, Nora, Doran, Zulu)

“Hey, you! Cheater boy!” Hayden stopped dead in his tracks at the snotty, bratty voice that he’d hoped he would never hear again. He turned around slowly, and sure enough, there before him was the bratty little trainer he’d “battled” in Viridian Forest.

“I’m not a cheater,” Hayden said, shaking his head and hoping the boy would just go away. Seriously, why do they let trainers start out so young?

“Yeah you are!” the boy shouted. “How else would you have beaten me?”

Hayden shrugged. Maybe because I’m better than you? he thought, but he didn’t say it. That was just a little too mean. “Must’ve been beginner’s luck,” he said sarcastically.

“Well, I’ve figured out how to beat your cheating, cheater boy!” the young trainer shouted. “I, Kendo, of Viridian City, challenge you to a battle!”

“Aw, geez, here we go again,” Hayden said with sigh, shaking his head in exasperation. Is this really necessary? “I have a name, you know. It’s Hayden.”

“Whatever, cheater boy,” Kendo said, grabbing a Poke ball from his belt. “Check out the new addition to my team. Go, Beedrill!” The boy threw his Poke ball, and in a flash of light appeared a Beedrill, the poison bee Pokemon. It was a bee almost twice the size of Bulbasaur with two black arms ending in large, grey, sharpened cones. It buzzed angrily and turned to glare at Kendo. Kendo didn’t seem to notice, and was eagerly awaiting Hayden’s Pokemon.

“Beedrill! Use Poison Sting!” Kendo shouted.

“Wait, I haven’t even sent out a Pokemon!” Hayden protested. But apparently, he didn’t have to worry about that.

“Drill!” the Beedrill buzzed, stabbing Kendo with one of its stingers.

“Ow!” Kendo shouted, jumping back in surprise. “Cut it out, Beedrill! Your opponent’s over there!” He pointed at Hayden.

“Drill!” Beedrill buzzed again, jabbing Kendo once more.

“Ow!” Kendo shouted again, and got another sharp jab. “Ouch! Cut it out, Beedrill!” Beedrill didn’t let up, and Kendo ran away screaming, his Beedrill in hot pursuit.

“Wow,” Hayden said as the boy faded from sight. “That was… interesting.” He shrugged. “Lucky me, I guess.” He smirked and walked off along the rocky path leading up to Mt. Moon.

Mt. Moon was a large mountain that separated Pewter City from Cerulean City. It was possible to climb it, but miners and Pokemon had dug a tunnel through it, making it more accessible to trainers and civilians. The mountain got its name from a meteorite that had crashed inside of it hundreds of years ago, filled with the very first Clefairy, a pink Pokemon that was famed for its usage of the Pokemon move Metronome. The meteorite had split into hundreds of pieces, Moon Stones, which could be used to evolve some special Pokemon. The stones were very rare, and people believed that was because the Clefairy had hidden as many of them as they could after their arrival in Mt. Moon. The fairy Pokemon were very often seen around or even with Moon Stones, so this theory probably wasn’t too far off the mark.

Hayden stopped at the base of Mt. Moon, near the entrance to the Pokemon Center stationed just outside of it. He gazed up the mountain’s rocky face, which stretched high into the sky and through the fluffy white clouds above. It wasn’t as tall as, say, Mt. Silver in Johto or Mt. Coronet in Sinnoh, but it was the first real mountain Hayden had ever seen, and boy, was it a sight.

“This is what being a trainer’s about,” Hayden said, grinning. “Adventure.” He walked into the Pokemon Center and handed his Pokemon over to the nurse, then sat to wait. This Pokemon Center was surprisingly crowded, with many trainers of all ages getting their Pokemon healed before the long trek to Cerulean City. Guess I’ll have to wait a while, Hayden thought, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes.

“Well, look who it is,” a familiar female voice said. Hayden opened his eyes and looked up to see his sister standing in line to hand over her Pokemon for healing.

“Sis!” Hayden said, standing up.

“What, did you think you’d never see me again?” Klaire asked. “I told you we’d meet up from time to time.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Hayden said, smiling. “Good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Hayden,” Klaire said. She got through the line and handed her Pokemon to the nurse, then sat down with Hayden. “So, how many Pokemon have you caught so far?”

“Two more,” Hayden said proudly.

“We’re almost even,” Klaire said. “But I beat you again. I’ve caught three more Pokemon since we parted ways in Viridian.”

“Whoop-dee-doo,” Hayden said with a shrug. “One more Pokemon than me. And I thought I was the competitive one.”

“Hey, I’m just saying, now I’ve beaten you again.”

“I beat you to getting the Boulder Badge, though,” Hayden said, flashing his cocky smile.

“Actually,” Klaire said, leaning back and grinning, “you didn’t. I spent some time in Mt. Moon before coming back here to heal my Pokemon.”

“What’d you come back for?” Hayden asked. “Why didn’t you just go all the way to Cerulean?”

“Because I wanted to catch some more Pokemon,” Klaire said. “I was looking for a Clefairy. I’m not leaving this area until I catch one.”

“Wow,” Hayden said. “A Clefairy? Really? That’s what you’re sticking around here for?”

“What’s wrong with Clefairy?” Klaire asked, leaning in close, daring Hayden to smack-talk one of her favorite Pokemon.

“Nothing,” Hayden said, pretending to not notice Klaire’s glare, and the fact that she was literally breathing down his neck.

“You bet there’s nothing wrong with them,” Klaire said, leaning back and getting starry-eyed. “They’re rare, but they’re just so adorable! When I think of them, it’s like how I felt when I first met Charlie. Love at first sight!”

“Aw geez,” Hayden said, slapping a hand to his forehead. “And I thought I was beginning to miss you.”

“Aw, I know my widdle brudder missed me,” Klaire said in a baby voice, giving Hayden a huge hug.

“Hey, knock it off,” Hayden said, recoiling at Klaire’s display of affection. “People are gonna think we’re, like, dating or something.”

“Aw, come on, it’s just sisterly love,” Klaire said, laughing as she let Hayden go.

“Yeah, yeah,” Hayden said. A bell chimed in the Pokemon center, and a display up above showed that Hayden’s Pokemon were ready for him. “Well, I guess I’m leaving now.”

“Whaaat?” Klaire asked, grabbing Hayden’s arm to keep him from standing. “You can’t just leave already! We’re both going to Mt. Moon, right?”

“Yeah, but you said you’re not leaving the area until you catch a Clefairy,” Hayden said. “That could take years.”

“Not years,” Klaire protested. “Come on, wait for me at least.”

“I don’t know…” Hayden said, shrugging. “I’m not sure if I can put up with all the baby-talk, sisterly love stuff.”

“Oh come on, you know you missed me!” Klaire said, standing up.

Hayden grinned. “Yeah, I did,” he said. “Don’t worry, I’ll wait for ya, I was just kidding. But I’m serious about the baby talk and stuff. If you’re gonna do it… at least keep it to a minimum.” He walked away to get his Pokemon back. When he returned, he asked Klaire, “So, what kinds of Pokemon have you caught, anyway? Aside from your Rattata, of course.”

“His name is Ratsy,” Klaire said, and Hayden groaned and stared at the floor.

“Please don’t tell me you nick-named all of your Pokemon,” he said.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Klaire asked, looking at Hayden like he was joking. “Who wants to call them by their species name? Everyone calls them by their species name! Somebody’s gotta be different. Besides, it’s original.” Klaire gave him a thumbs-up and Hayden groaned again.

“Whatever,” he said. “I’ll be outside.”

“Why are you going outside?” Klaire asked.

“To let my Pokemon have some fresh air.”

“Wait, I want to see what Pokemon you’ve caught!” Klaire exclaimed, shooting out of her seat as Hayden made to leave.

“How about we just wait for your Pokemon, and then we both go outside?” Hayden asked.

“Sounds great to me!” Klaire said. Just a few minutes later, Klaire had her Pokemon back and the siblings walked outside and Hayden released his Pokemon from their Poke balls. Hayden’s Bulbasaur, Pidgey, and Metapod all looked excited to get the fresh air and see new surroundings, but Hayden’s Pikachu looked a little down. He sat down as he was released from his ball and stared absently at the ground with a sullen frown on his face.

“Pikachu, what’s wrong?” Hayden asked, kneeling down and looking at the small electric mouse.

“Pika…” Pikachu said softly, shuffling his feet and avoiding Hayden’s gaze.

“What’s going on?” Klaire asked, kneeling down next to Hayden. Pikachu looked up at Klaire and seemed to get more nervous.

“Hey, Pikachu, it’s fine,” Hayden said. “This is my sister, Klaire. She’s a Pokemon trainer like me. We’ll be traveling together for a little while.”

Pikachu shrugged, and said absently, “Chu,” and went back to shuffling his feet.

“He’s really small,” Klaire said. Hayden glared at her. “What? I was just saying, even for a Pikachu, he looks really small.”

“He is small,” Hayden said. “He was kicked out of his clan in Viridian Forest because he was the smallest one in the group. Don’t talk to him about his size. I think he’s sensitive about it.”

“Oh,” Klaire said, staring at Hayden’s Pikachu sadly. “I’m sorry, Pikachu.”

“Pika,” Pikachu said with a shrug.

“What’s wrong with him?” Klaire asked.

“Well…” Hayden said, thinking. “He’s the smallest of his clan, and also the weakest. I promised I’d help him to become the strongest Pikachu ever… but… in Pewter City, against Brock, I accidentally threw out his Poke ball instead of Bulbasaur. It was Pikachu’s first ever battle, and… he lost.” Hayden frowned and looked at Pikachu. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

“Pika…” Pikachu said, but didn’t nod or shake his head yes or no.

“Hey, you can be honest with me,” Hayden said. “We’re friends, right?” Pikachu looked up at Hayden with sad, tiny little black eyes, and nodded slowly. “So, is that what’s wrong? That you lost your first battle?” Pikachu nodded again. Hayden shook his head. “Pikachu, you were put up against an experienced Pokemon that had the type advantage over you in your first ever battle. It was my fault that you lost, not yours. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He grinned. “You’ll win your next battle, for sure!”

Pikachu smiled a bit. “Pika-pi!” he exclaimed.

“That’s it!” Klaire shouted, standing up suddenly.

“Huh?” Hayden asked, looking at his sister in surprise.

“Pikachu’s lost his confidence because of losing his first battle,” Klaire said. “It’s time he gained that confidence back. No need to wait for a battle – let’s have a practice battle right now!”

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” Hayden said, standing up and smiling at Pikachu. “What do ya say, Pikachu? You want to give it a try?”

“Pika…” Pikachu said, shuffling his feet again and avoiding Hayden’s gaze.

“Come on, buddy,” Hayden said. “I promised you’d win your next battle. Here it is. Time for a win for Pikachu!”

“Pika!” Pikachu exclaimed, smiling.

“That’s the way!” Klaire said. Hayden and Klaire took up positions opposite each other on a flat patch of rocky ground, and Klaire suggested rules. “How about we make this a three on three battle? That way, you can see all of the new Pokemon I caught, and they can get some more battling experience.”

“Sure,” Hayden said. “First up is you, Pikachu.” Pikachu smiled back at Hayden and assumed a battle stance, poised on all four feet, his tail raised in the air.

“Well then, for my first Pokemon, I choose… Nora! Go!” Klaire threw forward a Poke ball, and out came a Mankey. The Fighting-type Pokemon was a ball of white-yellow fur with red, piercing eyes and long, thin arms and legs. It had two sharp ears on top of its head, a pig-like nose, and a long, white-yellow tail with a brown tip. It bounced from one foot to the other, eager to battle.

Hayden groaned. “Nora? Is that the best name you could come up with?”

“Hey, don’t make fun of my Nora!” Klaire shouted. “She has feelings, just like Pikachu.”

“Yeah, I’m just thinking you might be hurting her feelings more with a name like that,” Hayden muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Klaire asked.

“Nothing,” Hayden said. “Let’s get this battle started!”

“Right. Nora, Scratch attack!” Klaire commanded.

“Pikachu, use Quick Attack!” Nora came at Pikachu with clawed hands raised high to strike, but at Hayden’s command, Pikachu rushed forward at the Mankey, too fast for Klaire’s Pokemon to react. The yellow mouse Pokemon slammed into Nora headfirst, knocking the Mankey back. Nora quickly jumped back up to her feet, and it seemed like the attack hadn’t even fazed her.

“Pikachu, Thundershock!” Hayden called. Pikachu stored up energy in his cheeks for a split second, then let loose a blast of electrical energy at Nora.

“Nora, dodge it and use Low Kick!” Klaire said. Nora dodged Pikachu’s Thundershock with amazing speed and then dove at Pikachu, right foot extended for a low, sweeping kick.

“Pikachu, watch out!” Hayden called, but Pikachu couldn’t react in time. Nora’s Low Kick connected, sweeping Pikachu off his feet.

“Follow it up with a Karate Chop!” Klaire shouted. The Mankey drew her arm back and then chopped down, karate-chopping Pikachu in the side.

“Pika!” Pikachu cried in pain, flying backward and slamming into the hard, rocky terrain.

“Pikachu, hang in there!” Hayden called. He was a little angry at Klaire for going so hard on Pikachu when she was the one who wanted to help him regain confidence, but then he realized that if Pikachu didn’t win a battle against Mankey trying her hardest, then what was the point?

“Chu,” Pikachu said, struggling to his feet. Those two attacks from Nora had obviously done a number on the little mouse, but Pikachu regained his footing and assumed a battle stance again, facing Klaire’s Mankey.

“That’s the way, Pikachu!” Hayden called with a smile. “Hit her with a Thundershock!” Pikachu fired off a Thundershock, but Nora dodged it again at Klaire’s command. That Mankey was fast. Pikachu was, too, but Hayden honestly couldn’t tell who was faster at the moment.

“Nora, Fury Swipes!” Klaire called. Nora charged forward and her attack connected as she clawed at Pikachu with both hands. Pikachu cried out in pain and was knocked flying. He lay on the ground for a moment, but then regained his footing. Hayden was proud of Pikachu fighting this hard, but could tell that, with the beating he was taking, his confidence was starting to waver.

“Pikachu, you’re doing great, just hang in there!” Hayden called to encourage him.

“Nora, Karate Chop!” Klaire commanded, and her Mankey charged forward once again, bringing her arm back to strike.

“Pikachu, dodge it!” Hayden called. Pikachu dove out of the way at the last second, and Nora’s Karate Chop hit thin air. “That’s the way! Now use Thundershock!” Pikachu let loose another electric shock, and this time it connected. The Fighting-type didn’t know what hit her, and spun from the shock of the move. She wavered, dazed from the force of the attack. “Awesome, Pikachu! Hit her with a Quick Attack!” Pikachu charged forward and rammed into Nora at full speed, sending the Mankey flying backwards.

Hayden thought that should finish it, but the Mankey flipped backwards in midair and landed on her feet, assuming a battle stance across from Pikachu. She was definitely hurt now, but it was going to take a lot more to finish this Pokemon off.

“Nora, nice work!” Klaire called, giving her Mankey a thumbs-up. “Keep it up! Use Fury Swipes!”

“Pikachu, dodge it and use Quick Attack!” Hayden called. Nora rushed forward, but Pikachu proved to be the faster Pokemon, diving out of the way of the Mankey’s Fury Swipes attack, and then charging forward to connect with yet another Quick Attack. Nora took the Quick Attack full force and again managed to land on her feet. It didn’t look like Pikachu’s physical attacks were doing any damage against her!

It’s because Pikachu’s so small, Hayden realized, gritting his teeth. He has a mean Thundershock, but he just isn’t big enough or strong enough to do much damage to a bigger Pokemon with those Quick Attacks. And Mankey’s a Fighting-type, so it’s used to taking much harder hits than that. “Pikachu, Thundershock!”

“Bad move, Hayden,” Klaire said, grinning. “Nora, dodge it and use Low Kick!” Nora dove out of the way of Pikachu’s Thundershock and then rushed at him, readying at Low Kick.

“Pikachu, you’ve seen this combo before!” Hayden called. “Dodge it!” He didn’t think Pikachu was going to have enough time to dodge, like last time, but he was hoping. Nora came in closer, and Pikachu tried desperately to jump out of the way…

And suddenly, Pikachu glowed with a yellow light, and dashed away from Nora… and a lot faster than Hayden had ever seen.

“Whoa!” Hayden shouted in surprise. Pikachu stopped in front of him, the light fading, and smiled. “What move was that?”

“That looked like Agility,” Klaire called to him. “I guess Pikachu just learned it.”

Hayden smiled. “Well, that levels the playing field,” he said, grinning at Pikachu. “Go for it, Pikachu, use Agility!” Pikachu smiled and glowed again, rushing past Klaire’s Pokemon as she went for a Karate Chop. Nora was left in the dust as Pikachu dashed past, and Hayden ordered a Thundershock. Pikachu fired it off while Nora was still getting her bearings, and the Fighting-type was hit full force with the shock of the attack. Nora flew backwards, landed on her back, and lay still.

“Nora, return!” Klaire called, recalling her Mankey to her Poke ball. She grinned at Hayden and Pikachu. “That was awesome. You both did great.”

“Yeah, Pikachu!” Hayden shouted, pumping his fist in the air. Pikachu ran over to him and they embraced, and Hayden smiled at his Pokemon. “That was awesome! I told you you’d win the next battle you fought, and look what happened!”

“Pika- pi!” Pikachu cried, smiling, but then swayed on his feet. “Pi…” His eyes drooped, and he sat on the ground, exhausted from the battle.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Hayden said. “You won that battle, and you gave it your all. You can take a break now.” As Pikachu walked over to stand with the rest of Hayden’s Pokemon, Hayden grinned at Klaire. “You said three on three, right? So the battle’s not over yet.”

Continued in next post
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Last edited by KantoChamp46; 09-07-2009 at 06:48 PM.
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  #20  
Old 08-05-2009, 01:57 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 4 posted!)

“It’s not over in the slightest,” Klaire said with a grin, picking a Poke ball from her belt. “Go, Doran!” She threw the Poke ball, and out of it came… a Phanpy! The Pokemon was a small, blue elephant that stood just over a foot tall and had orange markings on its long ears and trunk. It smiled happily as it came out of its Poke ball, and let out a triumphal blast of air from its trunk.

“Whoa!” Hayden exclaimed. “Where’d you get a Phanpy? I thought they were only found in the Johto Region.”

“Remember, Johto and Kanto are connected,” Klaire said. “Phanpy and Donphan are more common in Johto, but they can still cross over into Kanto. They’re rare, but I managed to find one on the way to Mt. Moon.”

“Not bad,” Hayden said, grinning and already knowing what Pokemon to take on Klaire’s Phanpy with. He turned back to his Pokemon and smiled down at Bulbasaur. “You got this, buddy. Go for it!”

“Bulbasaur!” Hayden’s starter called, leaping forward, eager for battle. Bulbasaur and Phanpy stood across from each other, assuming battle stances and waiting for their trainer’s commands.

“Doran, Tackle!” Klaire commanded. Her Phanpy trumpeted happily and charged at Bulbasaur, smiling the whole time.

That sure is a playful Pokemon, Hayden thought, laughing at the sight. “All right, Bulbasaur, Tackle it right back!” Bulbasaur and Doran were about the same size, but Bulbasaur was slightly bigger, and Hayden was confident that his starter Pokemon could out-tackle Phanpy.

Boy, was he wrong.

“Bulba!” Bulbasaur cried as Doran sent Bulbasaur flying with incredible strength. Bulbasaur flew through the air and landed with a sickening thud right in front of Hayden. Hayden stared on in shock as Doran stopped and trumpeted playfully, waiting for Bulbasaur to get up.

“Bulbasaur!” Hayden shouted. “Are you all right?”

“Saur…” Bulbasaur grunted, gritting his teeth and struggling to his feet. He took up his position across from Klaire’s Phanpy and growled dangerously. All the while, Klaire just laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Hayden asked, glaring at his sister.

“You thought Bulbasaur could take on Doran with a Tackle?” Klaire asked, shaking her head. “Phanpy may be small, but they’re strong enough to even send humans flying. Doran’s a tough little guy. Aren’t you, Doran?” Klaire’s Phanpy trumpeted at her happily, dancing in a circle.

Geez, she’s like a human Pokedex or something, Hayden thought. How does she know all this stuff? “It’s all right, Bulbasaur,” Hayden called out to his starter. “My bad. I didn’t know Phanpy was that strong.”

“Bulba,” Bulbasaur said, smiling to let Hayden know that it was okay.

“All right, Bulbasaur,” Hayden said. “Back to the battle! If we can’t get close to Phanpy, then we’ll keep our distance! Use Vine Whip!”

“Doran, Rollout!” Klaire shouted. Doran rolled up into a ball as Bulbasaur’s Vine Whip lashed towards it, and then rolled out of the way at incredible speed, dodging Bulbasaur’s attack. Doran came rocketing around, and rolled straight towards Bulbasaur.

“Bulbasaur, dodge it!” Hayden shouted. Bulbasaur jumped, but was too late. The lightning fast rolling Phanpy slammed into the Grass-type, sending Bulbasaur flying up into the air. Bulbasaur slammed into the ground, and struggled back to his feet with teeth gritted once more. Just two hits, and Hayden knew that Bulbasaur was feeling the pain. That Phanpy was incredibly strong, and now, rolling around like it was, Bulbasaur was going to have some serious problems. Hayden had to think fast of something to stop it.

“Bulbasaur! Try a Leech Seed!” Bulbasaur fired a Leech Seed out of his bulb, but Doran was too fast. The seed landed harmlessly on the ground as Doran came around for another go at Bulbasaur.

“Trip it up with Vine Whip! Don’t hit it directly!” Hayden commanded. He wasn’t sure if it would work, but if he could get Doran off balance, he’d stand a chance. Bulbasaur shot two thick vines forward from his bulb, but instead of trying to hit the Phanpy dead on, he crisscrossed them and aimed low. With Doran moving as fast as he was, the Ground-type wouldn’t have time to dodge.

“Doran! Just roll right over it!” Klaire called. The pachyderm rolled straight into the Vine Whip, but as he began to roll over them, Bulbasaur flipped the vines upward, launching Doran sky-high.

“Nice, Bulbasaur! Now hit him with another Vine Whip! Knock him off balance!” Bulbasaur roped its vines upward and smacked Doran in the side, sending the Phanpy crashing to the ground, ending his Rollout attack.

“Doran, no!” Klaire cried. Doran struggled to his feet, both hurt by the attack and dazed from suddenly ending its Rollout.

“Bulbasaur, finish this! Hit him with a Razor Leaf!” Bulbasaur retracted his vines and fired several green, razor sharp leaves from the sides of his bulb. The Razor Leaf connected at full power, and Doran fell back, crying out in pain. He slammed into the ground and lay still, unconscious.

“Wow,” Klaire said, recalling Doran to his Poke ball. “You won two rounds.” She smiled at her little brother. “You’ve definitely gotten better since we battled in Viridian City.”

“Of course,” Hayden said. “We’d just started then, and we only had two Pokemon each. You’ve gotten better too, ya know.”

“Well, I guess it’s down to one,” Klaire said. She picked a Poke ball from her belt. “Go, Zulu!” She threw the Poke ball forward and out came a blue bat with purple tipped wings, two long, blue tails, and a wide, gaping mouth. There were no eyes visible on the Pokemon, which Hayden recognized as a Zubat.

“Zulu?” Hayden asked, sighing. “Zulu the Zubat. That’s the best you could think of?”

“Will you stop making fun of my Pokemon?” Klaire screeched. “Just send out your next Pokemon already!”

“All right, all right,” Hayden said, shaking his head. “Bulbasaur, you come back and take a rest.” Bulbasaur nodded happily and walked to join Pikachu and Metapod, while Hayden turned to Pidgey. “It’s your turn, partner. Time for an aerial battle.” Pidgey cooed with excitement and flew forward, hovering in the air across from Klaire’s Zubat.

“Zulu, Supersonic!” Klaire commanded. Zulu flapped its wings, opened its gaping mouth, and let loose a high-pitched sound wave straight for Pidgey.

“Pidgey!” Hayden called, but wasn’t sure what to do. Do you dodge a sound wave? Can you counter it? Hayden gritted his teeth as Pidgey was hit by the sound wave… and started thrashing about uncontrollably. “What the heck?”

“Supersonic emits a high frequency sound wave that confuses a Pokemon,” Klaire explained with a grin. “All the target can hear is that sound wave ringing in its ears, so it fights frantically to get the sound to go away. In other words, it’s rendered helpless to enemy attacks.”

Geez, I had no idea she could be so cruel, Hayden thought, glaring at his sister. “Come on, Pidgey! Don’t give in to it! Fight back!” Pidgey just dove headfirst into the rocky ground and thrashed about, smacking its wings against the rocks.

“Zulu, use Leech Life!” Klaire shouted. Her Zubat screeched and jetted forward, its mouth open wide and glowing with a bluish light.

“Pidgey, come on, snap out of it!” Hayden called desperately, but it was no use. The tiny bird flailed about helplessly, and then let out a cry of pain as Zulu sunk its teeth into him, draining Pidgey’s energy with the Leech Life.

“Zulu, toss Pidgey away!” The blue bat flicked its head forward and released Hayden’s Pidgey from its grip, tossing Pidgey several feet away. Pidgey continued to fight against the ringing in its ears, thrashing against the ground and itself.

“Come on, Pidgey, you’ve got to snap out of it!” Hayden called. “You can’t let just one attack beat you! You’re better than that!”

“No use, Hayden,” Klaire called. “He can’t hear you. Zulu, finish it off with a Bite attack!” Klaire’s Zubat flew forward, mouth open wide, ready to finish off Hayden’s Pidgey.

“Pidgey, no!” Hayden shouted. He could accept a loss (he thought), but not this easily, not to what he considered a cheap tactic. Pidgey had to pull through for him. He had to. Zulu closed in on the Flying-type, preparing for one final strike…

And Pidgey’s eyes suddenly flashed in recognition, and his flailing stopped. Pidgey looked up at the Zubat approaching it, and immediately flapped its wings, gaining altitude and flying right up and over Zulu. Zulu missed completely, and crashed face-first into the rocks.

“Pidgey!” Hayden shouted, smiling. “I knew you could do it!”

“Zulu!” Klaire called. Zulu was still for a moment, but then the bat rose up and batted its wings, rising into the air once more. That crash had hurt, but it definitely wasn’t out of the battle yet.

“Pidgey, hit him with a Gust attack!” Pidgey cooed and flapped its wings, launching a powerful burst of air at Zulu.

“Zulu, dodge it and use Leech Life!” Klaire called. Her Zubat flew out of the way and zipped right around behind Pidgey and opened its mouth wide.

“Pidgey, behind you! Use Quick Attack!” Hayden called desperately. Pidgey turned around as Zulu closed in and flew forward as fast as it could. The two Pokemon collided, but Zulu’s mouth missed Pidgey completely, and the blue bat got the worst of the collision. Zulu went flying backwards, tumbled in the air, and then shakily recovered, floating in the air several feet below Pidgey.

“You’ve got him now! Use Gust!” Hayden called, and Pidgey once more let loose a blast of wind. Klaire cried out for Zulu to dodge, but Zulu and Pidgey were too close. The Zubat was fast, but it was frail and had taken a beating, and hadn’t had enough time to recover. He took the full force of the Gust attack, crashed into the rocky ground below, and lay still.

Hayden had won all three rounds.

“Woohoo!” Hayden shouted, pumping his fist in the air. “Awesome, awesome job, Pidgey! You were great!” As Pidgey flew slowly down towards Hayden, it suddenly stopped in midair, its eyes widening. “Pidgey? You okay?” And then, Hayden’s eyes widened as well, as his Pidgey began to glow with white light, obscuring the tiny bird’s entire form. Hayden watched on in wonder as the glowing silhouette of his Pidgey changed form, doubling in size. His wingspan expanded, and his tail feathers and feathery crest grew longer and more prominent. The light faded, and before Hayden was a completely different Pokemon. Hayden pulled out his Pokedex to check the data on what Pidgey had turned into.

Pidgeotto,” the Pokedex declared, “the evolved form of Pidgey. Pidgeotto are twice as large as Pidgey, and very territorial. Pidgeotto will fight until incapacitated or killed to defend its territory and its family.”

“Wow… Pidgeotto,” Hayden breathed, gazing up at his new Pokemon. Pidgeotto cooed happily, and flew down to land in front of Hayden. He noticed the feathers on his tail had changed from brown to red and yellow, and the feathers on the crest on its head were now red as well, except for the one black feather in the middle. His eyes were also much fiercer, and yet they looked at Hayden with joy and excitement. Hayden knelt down and smiled at Pidgeotto, and his other three Pokemon crowded around to get a look at Pidgey’s new form, as well. “You evolved. It must have been because of the stress of the battle. That was a really tough one.”

“Bulba, Bulbasaur!” Bulbasaur cried, nudging Pidgeotto with his forehead, smiling happily. Pidgeotto looked down at Bulbasaur, who was now smaller than him, and cooed softly, smiling back. Pikachu and Metapod also gave their greetings, getting the same warm response in return from the newly evolved Pidgeotto.

“That’s amazing,” Klaire said, joining Hayden with his Pokemon. “You only caught that Pidgey a few days ago, and he already evolved.” She smiled. “Guess I did more than just help Pikachu regain his confidence, huh?”

“Yeah,” Hayden said, grinning at his sister. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Klaire replied.

“So, Mt. Moon’s next, huh?”

“Yup.” Klaire looked down at Hayden’s Pokemon and cocked her head to the side, flashing a half-smile. “But, I think we both ought to go back in the Pokemon Center. That was an intense battle, and I think our Pokemon will need a good rest before they head into Mt. Moon.”

“Good point,” Hayden said, recalling his team to their Poke balls. “Let’s heal up, and then take on Mt. Moon!”

Little did Hayden know, that once he set foot in Mt. Moon, his fate would become intertwined in a much larger story… something he was about to get just the tiniest glimpse of.
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Last edited by KantoChamp46; 09-07-2009 at 06:50 PM.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:52 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Awesome chapter KC!!! That battle was fantastic!! And having Pidgey evolve was a great surprise!! I would avoid having their pokemon evolve so soon though, unless for a good reason, such as that battle. But all in all, a great chapter. And that kid with the Beedrill is a total jerk. I hope Hayden mops the floor with him. I wonder what'll happen when they head into Mt. Moon.... >>
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Old 08-05-2009, 06:53 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Very good chapter, my only problems are nitpicky things that don't matter too much
Highlights
Hayden's annoyance with his sister.
Kendo getting assaulted by his own Beedrill.
Johto Pokemon cameo, and a good explanation for it.
Having Pokemon besides Hayden's having a personality, although I suppose that'll be necessary since Klaire will be traveling with him.
Phanpy doing pretty well against Bulbasaur, although, it's like you said earlier Type Advantage doesn't matter
Downsides
I expected at least one "Playful Pachyderm" from the Phanpy part, your previous alliterations have always brought a smile to my face.
I agree with Hayden, Klaire's nicknames border on ridiculous for me; a couple of them make sense, but Nora the Mankey eternally confounds me.
No Metapod battle. I was looking for some sort of epic cocoon fight, but Metapod just sat on the sidelines, which is understandable since Charlie would have roasted him to a crisp.
No real suspense. If it's a best out of two battle and Hayden's won the first two rounds, then he's already won, no matter what goes on in the third round.

Out of curiosity, you had Hayden say that he caught two more Pokemon, but he has Pikachu, which would make it three, right?

Overall though, a wonderful chapter.
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:57 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Quote:
Awesome chapter KC!!! That battle was fantastic!! And having Pidgey evolve was a great surprise!! I would avoid having their pokemon evolve so soon though, unless for a good reason, such as that battle. But all in all, a great chapter. And that kid with the Beedrill is a total jerk. I hope Hayden mops the floor with him. I wonder what'll happen when they head into Mt. Moon.... >>
Thanks, Shion! Yeah, I'm trying to keep Pokemon from evolving too early. I thought it was a good time for Pidgey to evolve, even though it still hasn't had much battling time... it just seemed right. But I'll try to lay off too frequent evolutions. That was my plan from the beginning, so hopefully I'll do good at that. I'm glad you liked it! I liked it, but I also wasn't sure others would because nothing really significant happens, it's more just character (including Pokemon) development and Pidgey evolving. But I guess it is kind of a fun one. =P

Quote:
Very good chapter, my only problems are nitpicky things that don't matter too much
Highlights
Hayden's annoyance with his sister.
Kendo getting assaulted by his own Beedrill.
Johto Pokemon cameo, and a good explanation for it.
Having Pokemon besides Hayden's having a personality, although I suppose that'll be necessary since Klaire will be traveling with him.
Phanpy doing pretty well against Bulbasaur, although, it's like you said earlier Type Advantage doesn't matter
Downsides
I expected at least one "Playful Pachyderm" from the Phanpy part, your previous alliterations have always brought a smile to my face.
I agree with Hayden, Klaire's nicknames border on ridiculous for me; a couple of them make sense, but Nora the Mankey eternally confounds me.
No Metapod battle. I was looking for some sort of epic cocoon fight, but Metapod just sat on the sidelines, which is understandable since Charlie would have roasted him to a crisp.
No real suspense. If it's a best out of two battle and Hayden's won the first two rounds, then he's already won, no matter what goes on in the third round.

Out of curiosity, you had Hayden say that he caught two more Pokemon, but he has Pikachu, which would make it three, right?
Wow, this helps me a lot! I'm glad you liked Hayden and Klaire's interactions, and I'm glad you didn't think the Kendo/Beedrill thing was totally stupid. =P And even though I'm currently having the characters in Kanto, I liked the idea of having some Pokemon from other regions. I thought Phanpy was a good choice, and it looks like you agreed. :)

But man... playful pachyderm. Why didn't I think of that? I wish I had, that's a good one! I'll make sure to be more creative when proofreading my chapters and look for stuff like that, because I love adding those little things into my writing. It makes it more fun to read. Thanks for pointing that out! Also, yeah, I know Klaire's Pokemon's nicknames are bordering on ridiculous... they get better in time but it's all part of Klaire's character development. By the way, which ones did you like/dislike? I just want to know for future reference when she has more Pokemon.

And if you wanted an epic cocoon fight... don't worry, Metapod gets some battling usage. Even though he probably won't stay a Metapod for long, he'll see some action. Hayden has a few tricks up his sleeves. :)

And I'll take your suspense comment to heart. I notice that now, too. He already won the first two rounds, so why have a third? Good point. Maybe I should have had him lose one of the rounds, but I wanted Pikachu to regain his confidence, and I wanted to showcase Klaire's new Pokemon, and... I don't know, the battle sort of unfolded as it did. I'll pay attention to stuff like that in future battles, though. And I think part of the battle was just showcasing their Pokemon, and it was just a practice battle. But yeah, that's a good comment for future reference, thanks for that.

Also, about the numbering. I see how it could have been confusing, but Hayden said two more because, when he last saw Klaire, he already had Bulbasaur and Pidgey. He was just counting Metapod and Pikachu. Sorry about that confusion, though.

Thanks, both of you, for your comments and helpful criticism! I'll take them to heart and hopefully continue to improve in future chapters. Hope you guys keep following this story! :)
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Old 08-06-2009, 04:51 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Don't worry, I definitely plan on reading this to its end!! It's just too good to ignore!!
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Old 08-06-2009, 12:03 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

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Don't worry, I definitely plan on reading this to its end!! It's just too good to ignore!!
Wow... really? Thanks, Shion, that really means a lot. I'm so glad you like it so much! I'll do my best not to disappoint with further chapters!
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:03 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

No probs! I LOVE to read, especially stories of my favorite things. And I'm glad that my words meant a lot. I'm always happy to make others feel their work is appreciated.
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Quick question to all readers here. Since I'm new to these boards, I just wanted to ask people who are more familiar with the system (if there is one), how often should I post new chapters? Because I'm thinking if I wrote three chapters in a week or something, most people probably wouldn't want me posting all three so close together. Should I post a new one every week? Every other week? Twice a week? Every 3 days, 4 hours, and 56 minutes?

Anyway, just wondering, since I seem to write these chapters fairly quickly at the moment. I'm sure the speed at which I complete chapters will fluctuate, but I just wanted what most people think is an acceptable baseline for when to post chapters. Thanks!
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Old 08-07-2009, 03:57 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Well KC, I find that people tend to post their chapters either once a week, or bi-weekly. I suggest you post new chapter bi-weekly, as that will give you time to think about what you want to do with the story/chapters and fix anything that might need it. However, like you said, your release dates could fluctuate, so it's really up to you. So if you want to go every three weeks, that'd be fine too. Just go with whatever makes you feel comfortable. I myself have yet to figure everything out for my own story, and I won't be posting it until I have a certain number of chapters done so people aren't waiting forever and a day for me to post new chapters. XDD
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:31 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

CHAPTER THREE:

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Hayden pointed to it, and said “Bulbasaur, Tackle attack!”
There should be some form of punctuation after 'said'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
But then, he realized Pidgey hadn’t put up much of a fight to being capture, and look how he was turning out.
I think that should be 'captured'... This sentence confuses me a little. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Hayden and his Pokemon turned around, to come face to face with a short, young boy with messy blonde hair and two Poke balls on his belt.
The comma after 'around' doesn't need to be there. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Go Spearow! Peck!”
Comma after 'Go'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Hayden continued to hold Caterpie, until the Pokemon became hot, and Hayden had to drop it.
Get rid of the comma after 'Caterpie'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
the Pikachu that all the others were ganging up on was smaller than the rest, by quite a bit.
Kill off that comma unless you're wanting a small pause before 'by quite a bit'--and in that case, I reckon a hyphen would be better. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Pika… chu,” The Pikachu said slowly. Its little jagged tail wagged slightly.
The capital 'T' should be lowercase.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“That group of Pikachu abandoned you, didn’t it?”
Since he was meaning this in plural, it seems weird to say 'it'. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hey, listen.” Hayden knelt and looked Pikachu in the eye.
Again? Wasn't he already kneeling? xD

CHAPTER FOUR:

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Bulbasaur!” Bulbasaur exclaimed happily. Hayden smiled down at his starter Pokemon.
I reckon you could just about only have 'Hayden smiled down at his starter Pokemon', and get rid of 'Bulbasaur exclaimed happily'. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Well team, let’s get going,”
Pretty sure you should have a comma after 'Well'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Chu!” He shouted, and loosed a blast of electrical energy straight at Geodude.
Capital 'H' should be lowercase. Remember that the only time we capitalise the first letter of the sentence after speech is if the speech ends the sentence and the next word starts a new one. ;P

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Bulbasaur saw the Geodude it was facing and grinned confidently, taking up a battle stance and awaiting Hayden’s command.
Uhh...grammar fail? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
The rock snake wrapped itself around the small Grass-type Pokemon and began to squeeze it, Bulbasaur crying out in pain.
In places like this, when you say 'Grass-type' and then 'Bulbasaur', it doesn't flow as well as if you said 'Bulbasaur' first, and then 'Grass-type'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
He lifted Bulbasaur’s Poke ball slowly, aimed it towards his starter, and said “Bulbasaur, return.”
Once again, you need a comma or a colon after 'said'.

NEXT POST!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
As Hayden expected, Brock sent out the Rock Pokemon Geodude to start things off.
I reckon there needs to be commas around 'Geodude'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Not a sound could be heard, other than Bulbasaur’s desperate struggling.
Like before with Pikachu's size sentence, get rid of the comma unless you want a pause to emphasise the second half of the sentence. If that's so, then a hyphen would be better. :3

Yay, badge. ^^ I'm glad i finally got through these chapters. :P I know I have another one to go, though. xD
I've got a few things to say:

1. You keep having stages where you call your Pokemon 'he's and you say 'him', but then everywhere else you say 'it'. It's kind of annoying--like you don't know your Pokemon's genders. =/ I'd suggest making up your mind about it. xD
But out of this comes the fact that none of Hayden's current Pokemon are female. =/ So far, you've mentioned everyone as a male, and not one female. D: *is proud to be female* xD

2. Yeah...I'm kinda noticing major similarities with Ash and Hayden. Although, Hayden seems smarter and there're definitely differences, and Ash never played leap frog. xDD But I'm sure it'll change. x)

Anyway, I really think this is going somewhere. :3 You're very committed to the story and I think it's gonna take off and be a success. ^^ You've some good ideas and a great writing style. :3 The only thing is that you write a bit too fast. GIMME TIME TO CATCH UP!!! xDx Nah, lol, don't let me slow ya down. ;P

Anyway, I'll read the next chapter soon (
Dusty: Yeah, yeah--you always say that. ), and I'll, of course, let you know what I think! :D

By the way, did you see this comment Charmander left at the bottom of the first page? I think you missed it because you didn't comment on it. x)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
I just read your first chapter and noticed this:

Charlie was recalled here, but in another paragraph soon after:

Charlie was recalled again. Goodness, silly Charmander! Stay in your Poke Ball! ; )
Oh, and sorry to have taken so long to read them. x3

~Xanthe.
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  #30  
Old 08-10-2009, 10:07 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 5 is up!)

Hey Xanthe! Thanks for looking over Chapters 3 and 4! I went back and fixed all the things you pointed out, except for the one part that you called "grammar fail." I'm pretty sure that sentence is right... I can't see anything wrong with it, anyway, except that maybe it's confusingly worded. Maybe. It sounds fine to me. What made it seem wrong to you? Sorry if that makes me seem like an idiot, but I'm really not seeing a grammatical error with it.

And yeah, I saw Charmander's comment about Charlie and his Poke ball. I realize I didn't reply to that comment, but I did go back and fix it, I promise! He doesn't get recalled to his Poke ball twice anymore =P

Thanks for the comment about the genders... I realized that and in Chapter Six I started fixing that, but I haven't gone back to fix it in Chapters I've already posted. I'm gonna work on that today, so maybe tomorrow go back and check it if you want and see if I did a good job with it. :) And yeah, I know that all of Hayden's Pokemon are currently male, but don't worry, it's not going to stay that way! Obviously I'm not going to say what other Pokemon he captures, so as to keep it a surprise, but you can rest assured that he will capture some female Pokemon down the road. There'll be some surprises, you'll see. ;)

About Hayden vs. Ash... I think it's just going to take time to distance the two. I think it just takes time for the character and his team of Pokemon to develop, and I think part of the "similarity" is just his team so far, but you may be surprised to see how his final team ends up. Maybe.

I'm glad you think this story is going to go somewhere... I certainly think so! I'm working on developing my villains for the story, and they get introduced in Chapter Six, though they don't get a whole lot of prominence for a little while yet. Well, they're a big part of Chapter Six, but after that, they don't get much prominence for a while other than development. But yeah, it's not going to be just a standard trainer fic. At least, if all goes as planned. :) Let's hope I don't disappoint!

PS - Xanthe, you are seriously comma-crazy, lol. =P It's all good, though! Just saying, that's one thing I've noticed that you always seem to point out - too many commas, not enough, not in the right places, it's all about commas, isn't it? Haha thanks though for pointing those little things out, a lot of people would miss that.
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