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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #136  
Old 02-28-2011, 06:51 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master <I'M BACK!!!!!!! With a new Chapter, too!>

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Okay... so... I've been gone for a while. :/ But I'm back! Finally. What's it been, like a year? I definitely did not intend to be gone so long. It's just, things got crazy, different things became my focus, and I kind of just... lost interest in this. I didn't forget about it, it's always been in the back of my mind, but it just wasn't happening. I think the time off did good. Anyway, here's the newest chapter, after a far too long hiatus. Let's see if any of my readers are still here. :P And again, sorry about the wait. Hope this chapter is worth it!
It's okay. Life gets busy, but it's good you're back! :D I missed you so much, and your story, too! And it's awesome that you returned with a chapter! xDD

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
He couldn’t have been grinning wider if he wanted to, he was so excited.
That comma should be a semicolon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Lucas, Hayden’s opponent from Twinleaf Town, looked about the same age as him, but Hayden had to say that his own fashion sense was much better than his opponent’s. Lucas was a little shorter than him, and wore a silly-looking pair of baggy jeans with way too many pockets, a weird blue and white striped short-sleeved shirt, a red scarf, and a red beret-type hat with a blue Poke Ball symbol on the side. Hayden couldn’t find any way to ridicule the determined glint in Lucas’ eyes, though – despite the kid’s fashion sense, it was obvious that Lucas was a dedicated trainer.
XXXXXXDDDDDDDDDDDD I love how Hayden thought all these things, because it's true--his clothes are shocking!

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
White smoke drifted from a hole on the top of his shell, and the Fire-type squinted at Hayden through slanted, but determined eyes.
That comma shouldn't be there. Or there should be a comma after 'determined' as well, because in this case, you put commas around the section that can be taken out and the sentence will still make sense. Either than or you use hyphens. A single comma doesn't make much sense. xD

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
The Water-type let loose a torrent of high-pressure water straight at Torkoal, hitting the turtle Pokemon in the side and knocking the Fire-type off his balance.
If you notice, they're actually tortoise pokemon, not turtle pokemon. o: TOR-koal. Plus they have legs, whereas turtles have flippers. x)

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Poliwhirl, put Torkoal down with your Water Gun!
Is that a euphemism for "KILL IT AND KILL IT NOW!"? (You know, "put down" means to kill - in a humane way - an animal. xD)

WOOOOOO new chapter! :D I liked this one a lot. I was pretty surprised to see Lucas there, and I loved how you made him snotty and different from the game version of him.

I loved the battle, plain and simply. It was very entertaining, and it was great to read about strong opponents and smart tactics on Hayden's account. I loved how the opponent pokemon were portrayed as well--far too often they're just as sneery as their stuck up trainers, or they act all evil (which doesn't make sense), and it was cool to see pokemon that I haven't read much about (especially that torkoal), since I don't get to see them in battle often. I love seeing all kinds of pokemon in battles, and the whole time I was thinking of that bunch of angry torkoal in Pikachu's Great Adventure that are fun to shock and dash into. xDD I also liked how you specified their genders too, because it obviously makes it more personal and better to read. ^^

It sucks a bit that Hayden lost, but it was really noble of him to forfeit when his pokemon were so badly injured. And even though they would probably be disappointed that he gave up, they'd sure be happy not to have to fight! xD

Anyhow, I'm really glad you're back, and the story, too! I can't wait to see where it goes. x)

~GS.
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  #137  
Old 04-05-2011, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master <I'M BACK!!!!!!! With a new Chapter, too!>

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


It's okay. Life gets busy, but it's good you're back! :D I missed you so much, and your story, too! And it's awesome that you returned with a chapter! xDD



That comma should be a semicolon.



XXXXXXDDDDDDDDDDDD I love how Hayden thought all these things, because it's true--his clothes are shocking!



That comma shouldn't be there. Or there should be a comma after 'determined' as well, because in this case, you put commas around the section that can be taken out and the sentence will still make sense. Either than or you use hyphens. A single comma doesn't make much sense. xD



If you notice, they're actually tortoise pokemon, not turtle pokemon. o: TOR-koal. Plus they have legs, whereas turtles have flippers. x)



Is that a euphemism for "KILL IT AND KILL IT NOW!"? (You know, "put down" means to kill - in a humane way - an animal. xD)

WOOOOOO new chapter! :D I liked this one a lot. I was pretty surprised to see Lucas there, and I loved how you made him snotty and different from the game version of him.

I loved the battle, plain and simply. It was very entertaining, and it was great to read about strong opponents and smart tactics on Hayden's account. I loved how the opponent pokemon were portrayed as well--far too often they're just as sneery as their stuck up trainers, or they act all evil (which doesn't make sense), and it was cool to see pokemon that I haven't read much about (especially that torkoal), since I don't get to see them in battle often. I love seeing all kinds of pokemon in battles, and the whole time I was thinking of that bunch of angry torkoal in Pikachu's Great Adventure that are fun to shock and dash into. xDD I also liked how you specified their genders too, because it obviously makes it more personal and better to read. ^^

It sucks a bit that Hayden lost, but it was really noble of him to forfeit when his pokemon were so badly injured. And even though they would probably be disappointed that he gave up, they'd sure be happy not to have to fight! xD

Anyhow, I'm really glad you're back, and the story, too! I can't wait to see where it goes. x)

~GS.
In response to the "put it down" comment... I forgot about it being a euphemism for kill! Oops. Maybe I should tone that down a little bit =P Hayden definitely wasn't telling Poliwhirl to kill a Pokemon!

I'm glad you liked the chapter! Yeah, I liked changing things up with an interesting pairing (Torkoal and Heracross) and using some lesser noticed Pokemon. Especially Torkoal. He's actually one of my faves from the third gen and they get so little love. So, had to give Torkoal a shout-out =P And I'm glad you enjoyed the battle, I felt it was pretty exciting and definitely stepped up the level of intensity. Hayden's getting about halfway through his badge-collecting journey, so it's time to see some more intensity, more damage, more power, more strategy. It was a very, very fun battle to put together, and I'm glad it came across as exciting as I hoped! And I enjoyed giving it an emotional and personal dimension with Hayden's attitude about battling and his Pokemon mimicking that, but yet his love for his Pokemon overcoming his determination to win above all odds.

It was a lot of fun and I think a great way to come back. I hope to start working on the next chapter over this weekend or even before, so you shouldn't have to wait too long to see Hayden's prize and the next part of the story. Thanks for reading! :)
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