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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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Old 07-29-2009, 01:23 AM
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KantoChamp46 Offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Default Pokemon: Becoming a Master <I'M BACK!!!!!!! With a new Chapter, too!>

Hey all, this is my first fanfic, it's formed of many ideas that have been sitting in my head for a long time and I finally decided to put down in words on a page (or, in this case, a computer screen). Yeah, it's a trainer fanfic, but why not? That's what the games are about, that's what the show and the manga's about, so why not? Besides, being a Pokemon trainer would be awesome, wouldn't it?

Anyway, this follows the story of a new trainer, Hayden, starting off on his Pokemon journey and questing to be the greatest Pokemon Trainer ever, along with his older sister, Klaire. Sounds cliche, I know, but there are plenty of twists and turns along the way that make things interesting - and... it's NOT just a trainer fic! *gasp* No, I also classify it as an adventure fic, because there is quite a bit of adventure and things quite other than just collecting badges and winning the Pokemon League. There's a pretty twisted villain, though it takes a little while for him to show his face, and I've put my own spin on a lot of things in the Pokemon world, so that the Kanto Region and all the characters and Pokemon you know might not be quite so familiar any more. I know it's a trainer fic, but I hope that you at least give it some time, read through at least chapter six before judging it... it's not even that long, if you skip all the comments posts in between XD Anyway, at least give it some time, try it out, if you don't like it, you don't like it - it happens. But at least give it enough time before passing judgment. Hope those of you who do read it enjoy it, and if you plan on continuing to read it, or even if you don't, please leave your comments - they can only help to improve this story! Thanks so much to everyone who does read it, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. :)


EDIT: Okay, so I've heard there's a problem with fanfic stealing, so I'm putting this notice up now to get it out of the way.

Title: Pokemon: Becoming a Master
Genre: Trainer/Adventure
Rating: PG13
Sites allowed to host this fanfic: Pokemon Elite 2000


Well, now that that's out of the way, here's Chapter One. Enjoy! :)


Chapter One: The Journey Begins
Location: Pallet Town, Kanto Region

Hayden rolled over in bed, away from the sunlight shining in his eyes through the window. It felt way too early to be waking up. He buried his face into his pillow and tried to fall back asleep.

“Hayden!” he heard his sister, Klaire, call from downstairs. He groaned and shoved his face more into the pillow. He heard footsteps on the stairs and sighed, then sat up in bed and yawned heavily as his older sister strode into his room.

“What are you doing?” Klaire asked, staring Hayden down with her big, brown eyes. Hayden hated it when she stared at him like that.

“Trying to sleep,” he said groggily. “What are you doing?”

“Look at the time!” Klaire shrieked, pointing at Hayden’s clock. Hayden twisted to look at his clock.

It was twelve-thirty. On Monday morning.

“Oh, shoot!” Hayden exclaimed, leaping from bed and rushing to get some clean clothes to change into. “Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”

“You said you could get ready on your own,” Klaire said, putting her hands on her hips. Hayden grabbed some jeans, and a blue t-shirt and rushed to the bathroom to get changed.

How could he have slept in? This was the big day! This was the day that he and Klaire got to go and get their first Pokemon, and start their journey as Pokemon trainers. He changed out of his PJs into his clean clothes and took a look at himself in the mirror. His thick, black hair was a mess and he struggled, to no avail, to get it to stay down. He sighed, brushed his teeth quickly, and then grabbed his necessary toiletries from the bathroom and rushed back to his room. He packed the supplies in a backpack that he’d left out (and incidentally forgotten to pack the night before) and started shoving extra changes of clean clothes in as well. Klaire stood watching him, her neatly packed backpack slung over one shoulder.

“Could you go any faster?” Klaire asked. Hayden frowned at her but said nothing. “What are you going to do about your hair?”

“Watch this,” Hayden said. He grabbed a blue and white baseball cap off of his desk and shoved it onto his head, cocking it a little to the side, like he always did. “The perfect solution to a bad hairday.”

“Enough chitchat, we need to get to Professor Oak’s,” Klaire said.

“I know, I know, hang on,” Hayden said, and finished packing his backpack. He slung it over one shoulder and rushed Klaire out of his room, following her downstairs. The two siblings were about to head out the door when their mom stopped them.

“Hold on, you two,” their mom, Kate, said. Hayden turned and hopped from one foot to another, antsy to get out of there and get his first Pokemon.

“Come on, Mom, we’re already late,” Hayden complained, but Kate walked up to him and wrapped him in a big hug.

“You’re leaving on a long journey and you weren’t even going to say goodbye?” Kate asked. Hayden frowned guiltily and hugged his mom back, and then Kate went and gave Klaire a hug too.

“Bye, Mom,” Klaire said. “We’ll miss you.”

“Yeah, take it easy,” Hayden said.

“Tell Christian bye for us,” Klaire said.

“Hey, where is the little runt, anyway?” Hayden asked, looking around for his little brother, who was nowhere to be found.

“He’s not a runt, he’s fourteen,” Kate said. “He’s still asleep.”

“Wow, what a lazy bum,” Hayden said. His mom frowned at him and he flashed her a grin. “Just kidding. All right, gotta go. Love ya Mom, see you in a couple months!” Kate said bye as well and the two kids were out the door.

Finally, Hayden thought. They stepped on the dirt road and began a quick walk to Professor Oak’s lab, which was just a few blocks down the street from their house.

“So what Pokemon are you gonna pick, sis?” Hayden asked.

“I don’t know,” Klaire said. “I can’t decide. I like all three of the starters that Professor Oak has. What about you?”

“Not sure,” Hayden said. “Probably Bulbasaur. He’s pretty cool. My kind of Pokemon.”

“Maybe I’ll pick Charmander,” Klaire said with a roguish grin. “Fire beats Grass, after all.”

“Doesn’t mean a thing,” Hayden said with a shrug. “Remember, when we make it to the Pokemon League, I’m winning the Tournament. Nobody’s gonna stop me from being the champ!”

“Right,” Klaire said, chuckling. They made it to Professor Oak’s Lab and walked inside. All around them were strange machines and computers. This was the research area of Oak’s Lab. The habitats for Pokemon were outside, in the backyard, but in here, there were no Pokemon to be seen, except for three Poke balls sitting on the table in the middle of the room.

“Where’s the Professor?” Hayden asked, walking over to the table and looking around.

“Right here,” a voice said, and Hayden and Klaire looked over to see the Professor coming out of a storage closet, struggling with a large computer screen in his hands. Hayden rushed over to him.

“Let me give you a hand with that, Professor,” Hayden said, grabbing one side of the computer screen and helping Professor Oak take it over to a table.

“Why thank you,” Professor Oak said, looking Hayden over. “Now… what were your name again?”

“Hayden.”

“And I’m Klaire.”

“Why yes, I remember you two,” the Professor said, smiling warmly. “You’re here for your first Pokemon, aren’t you?”

“Yes, sir,” Hayden said.

“Well, they’re all right over here on this table,” Professor Oak said. He walked over to the table and picked up the three Poke balls. “I’ll release each of them and you two can decide which Pokemon you want.” He lifted the Poke balls in turn and pressed the buttons on each of them. With a flash of light, out came the three Pokemon: Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. The three Pokemon all looked very happy and very healthy, and smiled as they saw Professor Oak.

“Hello there,” the Professor said to the two Pokemon. “We have two new trainers here today who are looking for their first Pokemon. Two of you will be the lucky ones to get to go and start your journey with them. Are you ready?” The three Pokemon all nodded with big smiles. Hayden looked at the three Pokemon, and knew that Bulbasaur was a good choice. It was just his kind of Pokemon. It was a bluish green color, with green spots, and had a large, leafy bulb on its back. It walked around on four legs and looked up Hayden with big, greenish blue eyes that just beckoned to Hayden “take me with you.”

Before Hayden could say a word, Klaire was on her knees and playing with Charmander. The little red fire lizard was smiling happily, the flame on its tail flickering brightly. “I can’t believe it,” Klaire said with a huge grin on her face. “He’s so cute!” Hayden winced as her voice rose two octaves, but Professor Oak just laughed. “Oh, I just have to take this one.”

“Very well, you can have Charmander,” Professor Oak said, handing Charmander’s Poke ball to her.

“Ooh, can I give it a nickname?” Klaire asked, her voice still squeaky and driving Hayden a little bit crazy.

“Of course,” Professor Oak said, seeming to be unfazed by Klaire’s, in Hayden’s opinion, annoying, overly-girly behavior.

“Well then, Charmander…” Klaire thought for a few moments, then squealed “Charlie! I’m gonna call him Charlie!” Hayden winced, but Charmander looked pleased, and Klaire patted Charmander, er, Charlie, happily.

“What about you, Hayden?” Professor Oak asked, turning to Hayden.

Hayden knelt down on his knees and looked at Bulbasaur. The two locked eyes for a long moment, and Hayden’s mind drifted to the future, of grand adventures, Gym Battles, and the Pokemon League. And all along, there was Bulbasaur, right beside him.

“Bulbasaur, for sure,” Hayden said.

Bulbasaur smiled at him and let a cry escape from its mouth: “Bulba-saur!” Hayden laughed and took the Poke ball from Professor Oak.

“Welcome to the team, Bulbasaur.” Bulbasaur let out another happy cry, and Hayden recalled the Pokemon into its Poke ball. Klaire recalled Charmander, and the two thanked Professor Oak profusely. Hayden could barely contain himself, he was grinning nonstop, and he was ready to start his adventure.

“Do you want to give Bulbasaur a nickname?” Professor Oak asked.

“No way, Professor,” Hayden said, completely turned off by his “older” sister’s childish behavior when she’d named her Charmander. “Bulbasaur’s fine for both of us.”

“Here, before you leave, take these,” Professor Oak said. He gave a belt each to Klaire and Hayden, with six Poke ball slots and five empty Poke balls on them. “Capture Pokemon on your journey and add them to your team. You can buy more Poke balls at Poke Marts. If you end up catching more than six Pokemon, the extra Pokemon will be transferred to me here at the Lab. I’ll take good care of them, don’t worry. You can also transfer Pokemon between the Lab and wherever you are from a PC at a Pokemon Center.”

“Is there a limit to how many Pokemon we can keep here?” Klaire asked.

“Not at all,” Professor Oak said. “I have more space than you can imagine. Catch as many Pokemon as you want. Oh! I almost forgot!” Professor Oak walked over to a desk and picked up two red, rectangular objects that looked like mini-laptop computers. “This is a Pokedex,” the Professor said, handing one to Hayden and one to Klaire. “It’s filled with data on over 100 different kinds of Pokemon. Use it whenever you want to learn more about a Pokemon you’ve just seen or caught.”

“So is that it?” Hayden asked. “Can we start now?”

“Yes, yes,” Professor Oak said with a laugh. “Your journeys have begun. Good luck, and feel free to keep me informed on your progress.” Hayden and Klaire thanked the Professor again and then left the Lab.

“So this is it,” Klaire said, stopping on the steps leading up to the Lab. “We’re Pokemon trainers now.”

“Yeah,” Hayden said. He looked at Klaire, and flashed a cocky grin. “Last one to Viridian City’s a rotten egg!” He took off running towards Route 1. Klaire shouted, “Hey!” and took off after him, and their journey began.

Last edited by KantoChamp46; 02-19-2011 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:07 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master

Chapter Two: Training, and Viridian City!
Location: Route 1, Kanto Region
Characters and Pokemon: Hayden w/Bulbasaur, Klaire w/Charmander

“One, two, three, four,” Hayden counted off, doing jumping jacks. His Bulbasaur was across from him, jumping from left to right on Hayden’s count. They stopped at thirty and took a rest, Hayden giving Bulbasaur some encouraging words and then sitting down to eat. Klaire and Charmander were done preparing the food, and the four of them ate happily together. They were about halfway along Route 1, on the road to Viridian City, and so far, had seen no wild Pokemon.

“You’re really serious about training,” Klaire said. “You’re already getting into it.”

“Of course I am,” Hayden said. “Bulbasaur and me can’t win the Pokemon League sitting down! If you want to be a champ, you gotta train like a champ.”

“You also have to catch more Pokemon,” Klaire said.

“It’s not our fault we haven’t,” Hayden said. “And you haven’t, either. Where are all the wild Pokemon?”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing,” Klaire said. “There are supposed to be lots of wild Pidgey and Rattata on Route 1, but I haven’t seen a single one.”

“And not a single trainer to practice against,” Hayden said. Bulbasaur looked over at Hayden and frowned, reflecting Hayden’s disappointment. Hayden saw Bulbasaur’s frown, and quickly changed his mood. “Hey, buddy, don’t you worry. We’ll take this one step at a time. We’ll make it to the Pokemon League, and win it, too. Just you wait.”

“Bulba!” Bulbasaur cried with a smile.

“Charmander!” Charlie, Klaire’s Charmander, cried, walking over to Bulbasaur. The two Pokemon were done eating, so they started to play with each other, chasing each other around and goofing off. Klaire and Hayden looked on and laughed.

Suddenly, a birdlike call was heard a bit in the distance. Hayden and Klaire’s ears perked up and they both looked in the direction of the sound.

“Could it be?” Klaire asked. The two looked on, and saw, in the distance… a wild Pidgey! It was a small, brown bird with a white chest and black markings next to its eyes. This Pidgey looked a little different from a regular Pidgey, though, because the crest above its head was black, rather than brown, with white feathers on either side of it. The bird was all alone, pecking at the ground, probably picking bugs to eat. Hayden and Klaire looked at each other. Only one Pidgey… two trainers…

“Bulbasaur! Let’s go!” Hayden shouted, running towards the Pidgey with Bulbasaur right beside him.

“Charlie! That Pidgey’s ours!” Klaire shouted, giving chase with Charmander.

The Pidgey looked up as the two trainers approached, and flared its wings in an attempt to scare them. Hayden, Klaire, and their Pokemon were unfazed, and continued to race for the Pidgey. When the Pidgey realized it wasn’t going to scare them away, a look of horror crossed its face, and for a moment it seemed paralyzed, unable to move. But then it took off, flying in the other direction, bobbing up and down in a panicked flight.

“Bulbasaur! Don’t let it get away! Vine Whip!” Hayden shouted. Bulbasaur lunged forward and stretched two vines toward the Pidgey from his bulb, but the vines fell short and Pidgey continued its retreat.

“Charlie! We can do it! Ember attack!” Klaire called. Charlie lunged forward and fired a fireball from his mouth, but the Pidgey’s erratic motions dodged the attack.

“Keep going!” Hayden shouted. Him and Klaire, with their Pokemon, continued the race neck and neck after the terrified Pidgey.

They chased the Pidgey into a small forest, where the small Flying-type flew over a stream. Hayden and Bulbasaur ran right through the water, but Klaire stopped. Charlie was too afraid to cross! Klaire turned and desperately tried to convince her Charmander to let her carry him, and Hayden ran on ahead, leaving Klaire in the dust and not taking his eyes off of the Pidgey.

“Don’t lose it, Bulbasaur!” Hayden encouraged his Pokemon. “We can do this. Our first ever capture.” They continued rushing on into the woods. Hayden’s legs felt heavy and he was gasping for breath, and Bulbasaur looked a bit tired, too, but he wasn’t about to give up. In his mind, that Pidgey was as good as his.

Finally, just when Hayden thought he was going to lose it, the Pidgey flew smack into a tree. It let out a squawk and dropped to the ground, flapping its wings in a panic.

“Now’s your chance, Bulbasaur! Tackle attack!” Bulbasaur let out a cry and jumped forward, ramming headfirst into the startled Pidgey. The Flying-type went flying and landed on the ground in a crumpled heap, unconscious.

“Here we go,” Hayden said, taking an empty Poke ball from his belt. He looked at it for a long moment, made a silent wish that it would work, and threw it at the Pidgey. The Poke ball burst open with a flash of light, and Pidgey was sucked inside of it. The Poke ball closed and fell to the ground, rolling back and forth as the Pidgey struggled for freedom. Several moments passed, Hayden with his fingers crossed, and then the Poke ball was still. It let out a low ping noise, and Hayden knew the Pidgey was captured.

“Ye-hea!” Hayden shouted, jumping and pumping his fist into the air. He dropped down and did a little dance with Bulbasaur, who seemed just as excited as he was about their first capture. Klaire finally caught up to them, panting and holding Charlie in her arms. She looked up at Hayden, saw him with the Poke ball in his hands and Pidgey nowhere to be found, and frowned.

“Guess you get the first capture,” she said, putting Charlie down. “Don’t worry, Charlie, we’ll get the next one.”

“Yeah, definitely!” Hayden said, and Bulbasaur let out a cry of approval. Charlie visibly cheered up, and Hayden and Klaire continued on their journey.

-----

Klaire caught a Rattata later that night, which she nicknamed, to Hayden’s chagrin, Ratsy. and the next day, the two arrived in Viridian City. The small, frontier town was at least bigger than Pallet Town, and had a Pokemon Center, a Pokemon Mart, several houses, and even a Gym.

“Hey sis, they’ve got a Pokemon Gym!” Hayden exclaimed, running towards it. “Let’s check it out!”

“Hang on a second, Hayden,” Klaire said. Hayden turned and saw that she had open a small plastic book, which she was flipping through. She stopped at a page and pointed at it. “Viridian City’s Gym leader is supposed to be the strongest in Kanto. Most people face off against him for their eighth and final badge before heading to Indigo Plateau.”

“Whaaat?” Hayden asked, running over to her and looking at the book she had. It was a Trainer’s guidebook of the Kanto region, and Klaire had it open to the section on Viridian City. “Where’d you get that?”

“I’ve had it for months,” Klaire said. “I bought it when we started talking about becoming trainers. I thought you knew about it.”

“You never showed it to me,” Hayden said. Klaire shrugged.

“Well, anyway, it’s not that big of a deal,” Klaire said. “Pewter City’s not that far away.”

“And that city has a Gym too!” Hayden said. “Brock, the Rock Gym Leader. I’ve seen him on TV.”

“Pewter City’s usually where trainers get their first badge,” Klaire said. “That’s a good place to start. Besides, we’ve just begun our journey. How can we expect to be able to get a badge already?”

“Right,” Hayden said, and then an idea came over him. “Hey, since we can’t fight the Gym here… and we both have two Pokemon…” he looked over at Klaire with a fiendish grin. “I challenge you to a battle!”

Klaire laughed, but nodded. “Sure, I’ll accept,” she said. “But first we should get our Pokemon to the Pokemon Center. They need some rest before their first battle.”

“Good idea,” Hayden said. They both went to the Pokemon Center, where they both had their Pokemon healed, free of charge. Then, they met outside, across from each other in the street, each holding a Poke ball in their hand.

“Pidgey, I choose you!” Hayden shouted, hurling the Poke ball containing his newly caught Pidgey. The Poke ball struck the ground and in a flash of light, Pidgey appeared, flapping his wings and ready for battle.

“Ratsy, let’s do this!” Klaire shouted, sending out her Rattata. Hayden looked carefully over the two opposing Pokemon. His Pidgey seemed to be a little bit bigger than Klaire’s Rattata, but both were new to battling. They’d barely trained their first captures at all since they’d caught them, so this should be an even match.

“Pidgey, Tackle attack!” Hayden commanded, and his Pidgey rushed forward at Ratsy, attempting to smack into him at full speed.

“Tail Whip!” Klaire commanded, and Ratsy spun, smacking Pidgey with his tail. Pidgey fell backwards, and his Tackle attack didn’t connect at all.

“Come on, Pidgey, you can do it!” Hayden said encouragingly. “Gust attack!” Hayden’s Pidgey let loose a gust of wind, and Klaire’s Rattata flipped head over heels backwards. “That’s it, Pidgey, finish it off with Tackle!”

“Ratsy, dodge it!” Klaire commanded. Her Rattata got up and jumped out of the way just in time. Pidgey flew past Ratsy and smacked into the ground. “Tackle!” Klaire shouted, and Ratsy slammed headfirst into Hayden’s Pidgey, knocking him unconscious.

“Looks like I win the first round,” Klaire said coolly, hugging her Rattata in congratulations.

“Hey, Pidgey, it’s all right,” Hayden said, picking up his Pidgey and patting his head. “You did good. It was a close one.” He returned Pidgey to his Poke ball and then faced Klaire again with his trademark cocky grin. “You won that one, but you won’t win starter versus starter. Go, Bulbasaur!” He threw Bulbasaur’s Poke ball, and Bulbasaur burst forth in a blast of light, letting out a battle-ready cry and taking a fighting stance.

“Good luck,” Klaire said, smiling. “Fire beats Grass, remember? Charlie, go!” Klaire threw a Poke ball and out came Charmander, tail flame glowing brightly, ready to battle.

“It’s okay, Bulbasaur, we can beat the type advantage,” Hayden called out to his starter Pokemon. “Start things off with a Leech Seed!”

“Bulba!” Bulbasaur crouched low and fired a seed from his bulb straight at Charlie. Charlie was unable to dodge in time and the seed planted itself firmly on Charmander’s nose. It glowed softly, and Charlie began to have his energy sapped by the seed.

“It’s all right, Charlie, it won’t last long,” Klaire said. “We’ll finish this one quickly. Ember!” Charlie’s eyes glittered, and he opened his mouth and launched an orange fireball straight at Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur jumped, barely dodging it.

“That’s the way, Bulbasaur!” Hayden said, grinning. “Those jumping jacks helped! Now use Vine Whip!” Bulbasaur sent two vines straight towards Charlie, but Charlie used his Scratch attack, batting away the vines.

“Ember again!” Klaire shouted, and Charlie launched another fireball. Bulbasaur tried to dodge, but couldn’t retract his vines in time and was hit full force by the Ember.

“Bulbasaur, no!” Hayden shouted. Bulbasaur fell onto his back, scorched. he tried valiantly to stand, but finally, realizing it was out of strength, lay still on the ground. Hayden recalled Bulbasaur to his Poke ball. “You did good, buddy. We’ll get ‘em next time.”

“Not too bad, Hayden,” Klaire said, recalling Charlie. “You had me worried at first. I thought you might actually pull off a win despite the type advantage.”

“Type advantage doesn’t mean a thing,” Hayden said, shrugging. “As long as a Pokemon’s strong enough and the trainer makes the right calls, they can win against any Pokemon.”

“That’s the attitude,” Klaire said, smiling. The two went back into the Pokemon Center to heal their Pokemon again. As they waited for their Pokemon, Klaire turned to Hayden and said “Hey, Hayden. You’re going through Viridian Forest to get to Pewter City, right?”

“Yeah,” Hayden said. “Duh. Is there any other way to get to Pewter City?”

“There are other roads,” Klaire said enigmatically. “I was kind of thinking that we should part ways when we’re done here.”

“Huh?” Hayden said, staring at Klaire in surprise. “What are you talking about, sis? I thought we were traveling together.”

“We can, at times,” Klaire said. “But I think it’s better for both of us if we travel mostly on our own. It helps us grow more as trainers and not rely so much on each other. We’ll also experience different things, so when we do meet up from time to time, we can teach each other what we’ve learned, maybe have a practice battle, and grow more than we would if we traveled together everywhere.”

“I guess that’s a good idea,” Hayden said, staring at the floor. “I’ll miss ya, sis.”

“What was that?” Klaire asked, leaning over towards her little brother. “You’ll miss me? Is little Hayden getting soft on me?”

“Heck no!” Hayden said, staring her down. “I’m not getting soft on you. The best thing a Pokemon trainer can do is be honest with other trainers. So I’m just being honest. I’m gonna miss you. Is that such a bad thing?”

“No,” Klaire said, smiling. “You know we’ll probably meet up a lot, right? It’s not like we’ll never see each other.”

“I know,” Hayden said. A bell rang through the Pokemon Center. “Well, there’s our Pokemon.” Hayden and Klaire both stood up. “Guess after this, it’s goodbye for a while.”

“Yeah,” Klaire said with a nod. She looked sadder than Hayden felt. “Hey. I’ll miss you too, little bro.”

“I know,” Hayden said, smiling.

After they got their Pokemon back from the Pokemon Center, Hayden and Klaire said their goodbyes outside. As Klaire headed off, Hayden went to the Pokemon Mart, where he bought his own Trainer Guidebook. Outside of Viridian City, he released Bulbasaur and Pidgey from their Poke balls.

“So, guys, Klaire’s gone,” Hayden said. Bulbasaur frowned slightly. Pidgey didn’t seem too bothered by the news – he’d only just met Klaire, after all. “It’s just us, at least until Pewter City. You know what that means?” Bulbasaur and Pidgey both looked up, and Hayden grinned widely. “It means training time! We’re gonna get stronger and add some new faces to the team, and next time, Klaire won’t stand a chance!” Bulbasaur and Pidgey let out excited cries, and Hayden pointed to Viridian Forest. “Next stop, Pewter City! And the Boulder Badge!”

Last edited by KantoChamp46; 08-11-2009 at 01:25 PM.
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Old 07-29-2009, 11:55 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
It was 12:30. On Monday morning.
Never write numbers in a story (unless in specific cases, but not this one). This should be 'twelve-thirty'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hold on, you two,” their mom said. Hayden turned and hopped from one foot to another, antsy to get out of here and get his first Pokemon.

“Come on, Mom, we’re already late,” Hayden complained, but his mom walked up to him and wrapped him in a big hug.

“You’re leaving on a long journey and you weren’t even going to say goodbye?” his mom asked. Hayden frowned guiltily and hugged his mom back, and then his mom went and gave Klaire a hug too.
'his mom' is said a fair few times. xD
Also, the first part, where it talks about him being antsy, 'here' should be 'there', because otherwise you're changing tenses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Bye mom,” Klaire said.
'mom' should have a capital 'm', since it's being used as a name, and you need a comma after 'Bye'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hey, where is the little runt anyway?”
Comma after 'runt'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Kate said bye as well and the two were out the door.
'Kate' was unexpected, and I had to think before realising that it was the mum's name. :O

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Finally, Hayden thought.
You always write thoughts in italics. Else it gets kinda confusing, and it's almost a rule. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hayden,” Hayden said.

“And I’m Klaire,” Klaire said.
It's a little obvious that they'd say their own names, isn't it? x3 I'd get rid of 'Klaire said' (and Hayden).

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
He lifted the Poke balls in turn and pressed the buttons on each of them.
It should be spelled: 'Poke Ball', but I guess not capitalising the 'b' doesn't really matter. ;P

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Bulbasaur, for sure,” Hayden said, and Bulbasaur smiled at him and let a cry escape from it’s mouth: “Bulba-saur!” Hayden laughed and took the Poke ball from Professor Oak. “Welcome to the team, Bulbasaur.”
You can't have the Bulbasaur's speech on the same line as Hayden's. D:
By the way, Bulbasaur have red eyes, not blue. But I guess Hayden's could be different. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Bulbasaur let out another happy cry, and Hayden recalled the Pokemon into it’s Poke ball.
Should be 'its' because it's possessive.

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Klaire shouted “Hey!” and took off after him, and their journey began.
There should be a comma after 'shouted'.

Chapter Two:

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
His Bulbasaur was across from, jumping from left to right on Hayden’s count.
I think you need a 'him' after the first 'from'. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hey buddy, don’t you worry.
Comma after 'Hey'.

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Bulbasaur! Let’s go!” Hayden shouted, running towards the Pidgey with Bulbasaur right behind him.

“Charmander! That Pidgey’s ours!” Klaire shouted, giving chase with Charmander right behind.
Both Pokemon are trailing 'right behind', it seems. x3

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
But then it took off flying in the other direction, bobbing up and down in a panicked flight.
I'm pretty sure there should be a comma after 'off'.

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Him and Klaire, with their Pokemon, continued the race neck and neck after the terrified Pidgey.
xDD The poor Pidgey!

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
They chased the Pidgey into a small forest, where the Pidgey flew over a stream.
You could change the second 'the Pidgey' to 'it' or 'the Flying-type'. Because repetitiveness is annoying. :3

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
The Pidgey went flying and landed on the ground in a crumpled heap, KOed.
Not really a good idea to use 'KO' like that. And if you're gonna keep it like that, you should put an apostrophe between the O and the e.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Don’t worry Charmander, we’ll get the next one.”
Comma after 'worry'.

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Klaire caught a Pidgey later that night, and the next day, the two arrived in Viridian City.
Another one? =/ Why couldn't it have been a Rattata or something? x3

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Hey sis, they’ve got a Pokemon Gym!” Hayden exclaimed, running towards it. “Let’s check it out!”
Comma after 'Hey'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Hayden turned and saw that she had open a small plastic book, which she was flipping through.
I reckon 'opened' would be better, because it sounds somewhat cleaner and more fitting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“Whaaat?” Hayden asked, running over to her and looking at the book she had open. It was a Trainer’s guidebook of the Kanto region, and Klaire had it open to the section on Viridian City.
You have 'open' twice here. ;P

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Him and Klaire went to the Pokemon Center, where they both had their Pokemon healed, free of charge.
'Him and Klaire' would be better as 'They both' or something. :P

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Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
They’d barely trained their Pidgeys at all since they’d caught them, so this should be an even match.
You never, ever put an 's' on the end of Pokemon species names. Not when they're plurals. This should be 'Pidgey'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
As they waited for their Pokemon, Klaire turned to Hayden and said “Hey Hayden. You’re going through Viridian Forest to get to Pewter City, right?”
Comma after 'said'. Comma after 'Hey'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
The bell ringed through the Pokemon Center.
'ringed' should be 'rang'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
“So guys, Klaire’s gone,”
Comma after 'So'.

DONE! I like it so far. ;P It's interesting that a boy should start his journey with his sister. :D I like the attitudes and how you've written it, too. ^^ However, I have a few points to make.

1. Description. You're not a fluent description-writer, as you didn't say what Klaire, Oak, or any other Pokemon looked like apart from Hayden's Bulbasaur. You should also set the scene, and focus on little details to help us paint the picture. :P

2. Klaire and Hayden seem like they have almost the same attitude and would say the same thing in a situation. I know they're brother and sister, but their personalities aren't exactly distinct enough. ;3

3. You use boring, common phrases (xD no offence) such as: 'said' and 'asked' too frequently, and characters often 'walk' or 'walk over' to something. Also, you repeat things a little too much, and often you're making sure you address the characters or things instead of saying 'he' or 'she', in, in the Pokemon's cases, calling them by their type and then 'Pokemon' on the end, or simply just 'her/his/the Pokemon'.

I think that's really it for now, but yeah. :P And I find that in a lot of places you do things, but forget to do them elsewhere--like comma-ing before names or things like 'buddy' when required. :3 But hey. That's why I'm here--to point out those things. ^^ Nobody's perfect, after all. :D

Oh, and, are the Pokemon gonna get names? Or are they just gonna be called by their species name? :O

Good work, but maybe perhaps you should post one chapter at a time. xD And make sure you address those areas you could improve and fix up what I've pointed out so far! :D

~Xanthe.
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  #4  
Old 07-29-2009, 05:57 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master

Wow lots of corrections/comments. Thanks a lot I'll get on that asap.

Yeah, I know about Klaire and Hayden's personalities. They're more distinct in my head, and I realize I need to get that a little more down on paper. Thanks for pointing that out.

And with the descriptions, I guess I just figured most people wouldn't want to read Pokemon descriptions since people reading Pokemon fanfics usually know what the Pokemon looks like. But I'll get to work on that. And I actually wasn't sure what color Bulbasaur's eyes were. I just figured I'd go with blue lol. I think I'll keep 'em that way, though - it makes it a little different.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it so far! I have most of Chapter Three written but I'll go back and edit Chapters One and Two before continuing.

Edit - And yeah, I kinda feel sorry for Hayden's Pidgey too =P And I realize them both catching the same Pokemon as their first is kinda lame... maybe I'll have Klaire catch something different. I'll think about it.

Last edited by KantoChamp46; 07-29-2009 at 06:07 PM.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:17 PM
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I agree with Xanthe! Work on your descriptions and your characters' personalities, and your story will vastly imporve. To be honest, those two areas are somewhat my own weaknesses that I'm trying to overcome myself. Many of the characters I'll be using in the fic I'm working on aren't even mine (they're a friends, but since many of our characters are related, we use each others' characters), so I'll have to get their personalities and everything JUST right. It can be difficult at times, but you'll get the hang of it eventually!

I like the idea of you keeping Hayden's Bulbasaur's eyes blue. It makes it different, which is always nice. ^^ Anyways, good story so far! I can't wait to see how it will go!
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master

All right, I've edited and redid some stuff with Chapters One and Two. Re-read them, because there's a little addition to Klaire's personality that will seem strange later on if you don't catch it now.

Thanks for the comments! Chapter Three's on its way, and I hope you keep reading and enjoy it. :)
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Old 07-29-2009, 10:01 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master

Chapter Three: Poor Little Pikachu
Location: Viridian Forest, Kanto Region
Hayden’s Team: Bulbasaur, Pidgey

Hayden walked along the dimly lit dirt path in Viridian Forest. The foliage was thick in this area of the woods, and the trees nearly choked the barely recognizable path before him. Bulbasaur and Pidgey followed along behind him. Hayden had decided to keep them out of their Poke balls. How was he supposed to bond with his Pokemon if they’re always cooped up in their little spheres?

“This looks like a good place to take a rest,” Hayden said, stopping at a section of the path that looked the same as any other they’d traveled along. He turned to Bulbasaur and Pidgey, who looked kind of spooked by the forest. He knew they wouldn’t be getting out of it in one day, and he was scared of what it would be like at night, but he figured things would turn out okay. Right, now, it was time to get his and his Pokemon’s minds on other things.

Namely, training.

“All right, guys, time for some training,” Hayden said, pumping his fist in the air. Bulbasaur and Pidgey both cried out excitedly, and Hayden began their routine. They started off doing jumping jacks. Or, rather, Hayden did. A four-legged saurian creature and a small bird couldn’t really do jumping jacks, so Hayden’s two Pokemon hopped from side to side, calling out with each of Hayden’s counts. They did fifty jumping jacks, and then Hayden switched to attack training. Bulbasaur used his Vine Whip on different trees that Hayden marked, and Pidgey practiced aiming and controlling its Gust attack. Bulbasaur also practiced some Leech Seed marksmanship, launching its energy-sapping seeds at small targets Hayden marked. After attack training, Hayden had Bulbasaur lift rocks with its vines, lifting the heaviest ones it could, while Pidgey lifted the heaviest rocks it could and flew them over to another spot. Hayden joined in on this part, lifting rocks and running them from Point A to Point B along with his Pokemon. Finally, finishing up that routine, Hayden and his Pokemon, sweaty and exhausted, settled down to lunch.

“Nice job, guys,” Hayden said. “Bulbasaur, that Vine Whip’s getting strong. You still need to work on your aim with Leech Seed, but hey, you can always get better, no matter how good you are. Pidgey, great job with those Gust attacks, and awesome work with the strength training. You didn’t quit even when you got really tired. Awesome job to both of you. Brock won’t know what hit him.”

“Bulbasaur!” Bulbasaur called after swallowing a mouthful of food, grinning widely. Pidgey let out a happy coo and flapped its wings a little. Hayden laughed and continued eating, thinking of the future for him and his Pokemon. He also worried about his luck. Just like Route 1, there hadn’t been a single wild Pokemon in sight. He knew that Weedle, Caterpie, and their evolutionary forms were supposed to be extremely common in this forest, and there was even supposed to be the occasional Pikachu. He wasn’t too fond of Weedle and its forms, but he would definitely love to catch a Caterpie, and Pikachu, the famed Pokemon mascot, was one that he was certainly keeping his eye out for.

But if, as his Trainer’s Guidebook said, the bug Pokemon were so common around these parts, where were they?

And where were the other trainers?

Hayden sighed and sat back, relaxing, while his two trusty Pokemon sat next to him and snoozed. It wasn’t that big of a deal, was it? He got to travel with his Pokemon, bond with them and train with them. Life was good. Even if he was in a dark, kind of creepy forest. So what? Together with his Pokemon, he could handle anything.

Finally, after about an hour of light rest, Hayden and his Pokemon packed up their stuff and continued along the path, heading deeper into Viridian Forest.

After half an hour, the path opened up. It was wider, and the trees were a little more spaced out, and there was room to see much more around and ahead of where they were going.

There were also Pokemon. Caterpie, Weedle, Metapod, and Kakuna were crawling all over the trees and plants, filling the air with their chirps and buzzing.

“Wow,” Hayden said, and his own Pokemon also looked on in awe. “This is what I’m talking about.” He turned to Bulbasaur. “Ready to catch a Caterpie?” Bulbasaur nodded and emitted a low, excited growl. “All right.” Hayden looked out across the bug Pokemon, and his gaze locked onto the nearest Caterpie. It was a small, green, wormlike Pokemon, with red antennae on top of its head. Its big, black eyes saw Hayden, and it quivered in fear. Hayden pointed to it, and said, “Bulbasaur, Tackle attack!”

It was over in just moments. The Caterpie could barely put up a fight. It was kind of embarrassing, Hayden thought at first. But then, he realized Pidgey hadn’t put up much of a fight to being captured, and he seemed to be turning out quite well. Hayden picked an empty Poke ball off of his belt, made a silent wish that he could catch the Caterpie, and then threw the red and white orb. It collided with the Caterpie and opened wide, and after a flash of light and some rolling around, the Poke ball binged, lay still, and Hayden had himself a new Pokemon to his team: the bug Pokemon, Caterpie!

“Awesome!” Hayden exclaimed, celebrating with Bulbasaur and Pidgey. “Good job, Bulbasaur!” He held the Poke ball with Caterpie inside of it, and then pressed the button. In a flash of white light, his newly caught Caterpie appeared on the ground next to Bulbasaur. The Caterpie looked shaken up, and when it saw Bulbasaur, it emitted a frightened squeak and tried to squirm away in the opposite direction.

“Wait a minute, Caterpie,” Hayden said, picking up the Bug-type Pokemon and holding it in his arms. It looked up at him with watery, frightened eyes, and Hayden sympathized with it. “It’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you anymore. You’re a part of the team now. I’m Hayden.” Hayden placed Caterpie down on the ground, and introduced Bulbasaur and Pidgey. “We’re on a journey to become Pokemon League Champions. We were hoping you’d join us.”

Caterpie looked back and forth, from Hayden, to Bulbasaur, to Pidgey, and seemed about ready to run off again. But it seemed Hayden couldn’t read Caterpie’s feelings very easily, because the worm Pokemon made a strange buzzing-chirping noise and nodded, with what appeared to be a smile on its face. It was hard to distinguish the emotions of a caterpillar.

“Awesome,” Hayden said, smiling. “Welcome to the team, Caterpie.” Caterpie buzz-chirped again and Hayden laughed. They spent a little more time getting acquainted, Bulbasaur and Pidgey playing with Caterpie, and soon enough, Caterpie seemed just at home as Hayden’s other two Pokemon. The four of them continued on into Viridian Forest, keeping their eyes out for any trainers.

Hayden stopped a little while later in the day, and did some more training, introducing Caterpie to his Pokemon’s training regimen. Caterpie knew two attacks: Tackle and String Shot, and Hayden made sure to train Caterpie in both. The little caterpillar sure seemed good with those two attacks for having been so scared of a fight before Hayden had caught it.

“Hey, you!” a voice called out from behind as Hayden was training. Hayden and his Pokemon turned around to come face to face with a short, young boy with messy blonde hair and two Poke balls on his belt. He sure looks like a brat, Hayden thought.

“Yeah?” Hayden asked.

“You’re a trainer, aren’t you?” the boy asked, with a snotty, nasal voice that Hayden swore would drive him crazy if he had to listen to it for much longer.

“Yeah,” Hayden said, really hoping the kid wouldn’t challenge him to a battle. As eager as he was for some more fighting experience, this was one person he’d rather just avoid.

“I challenge you to a battle!” the kid shouted, grabbing a Poke ball off of his belt and throwing it at the ground. “Go, Rattata!”

“Hey, wait, I didn’t even accept!” Hayden protested, but the kid didn’t seem to hear him. Hayden sighed. “Well, here goes.” He turned to his team. “Pidgey, how about you take this one?” Pidgey seemed just as enthusiastic about the battle as Hayden was, but nodded and flew forward to begin the battle.

“Rattata, Tackle!” the kid shouted, and Rattata ran towards Pidgey.

“Pidgey, fly out of the way,” Hayden commanded. Pidgey flew upwards, and Rattata couldn’t reach him, even by jumping. “Gust attack!” Pidgey flapped its wings and launched a gust of air at Rattata, knocking it end-over-end to lie on its back. It didn’t get up.

“No, Rattata!” the boy shouted, glaring at Hayden. “No fair!” He recalled Rattata to its Poke ball and took his second one off of his belt. “Go, Spearow!” Out of this Poke ball came Spearow, a bird Pokemon like Pidgey but slightly bigger and much fiercer looking. It had red wings and the feathers around its face were swept back and jagged, making it look much more aggressive and dangerous than a little Pidgey.

“Pidgey, come on back,” Hayden said, and Pidgey flew over and behind him. Hayden turned to his team, and his eyes rested on Caterpie. Type advantage doesn’t mean a thing. His own words echoed in his mind. “Caterpie, you take this one!” he said with an encouraging grin. Caterpie looked a little worried, but nodded and crawled forward to stand across from Spearow.

“Good luck with that one,” the kid said, wiping some snot from his nose. “Flying beats Bug. Go, Spearow! Peck!” Spearow cawed loudly and flew forward, aiming to jab into Caterpie with its beak.

“Caterpie, String Shot!” Hayden commanded. Caterpie buzzed and let loose a blast of sticky webbing from its face. Spearow’s eyes widened in shock but it couldn’t move in time to escape the webbing. Caterpie’s String Shot enveloped it and Spearow fell to the ground, struggling to get free.

“Hit it with a Tackle, Caterpie!” Hayden commanded. “Give it all you got!” Caterpie, looking more confident now that Spearow was wrapped up in a sticky web, charged forward, slamming into Spearow with its whole body. Spearow flew backward to land right in front of the opposing trainer, unconscious.

“No way!” the trainer exclaimed, recalling Spearow and wiping more snot from his nose. He glared at Hayden. “You’re a dirty cheater!” he shouted, and ran off in the other direction, disappearing into the woods.

“Sheesh,” Hayden said, shaking his head. “That’s why you don’t let ten year-olds become trainers. I swear, the minimum age should be at least fourteen. I waited until I was sixteen… and it looks like it’s a good thing I did. Wouldn’t want to turn out like that brat.” Hayden turned to Caterpie and picked it up in his arms, smiling. “Awesome job, Caterpie. You did great!” Caterpie buzzed happily, and then began to glow with white light. “Huh?” Hayden continued to hold Caterpie until the Pokemon became hot, and Hayden had to drop it. As Caterpie fell to the ground, the white light faded and in Caterpie’s place was a diamond-esque shaped green cocoon with eyes on it.

“What… happened?” Hayden asked. “Did Caterpie just… evolve?” Hayden stared at the cocoon Pokemon with bated breath, waiting for it to make the first move.

“Metapod,” the cocoon said in a buzzing voice. Hayden jumped at the sound, and his Bulbasaur and Pidgey came closer to check out what Caterpie had turned into.

“Pokedex!” Hayden suddenly exclaimed, remembering the computerized encyclopedia Professor Oak had given him. He pulled it out of his backpack and opened it, aiming it at the Pokemon Caterpie had turned into. The Pokedex chimed and the screen lit up, showing a picture of the cocoon before Hayden.

Metapod,” the Pokedex said in a robotic voice. “The cocoon Pokemon. The evolved form of Caterpie. Metapod loses the ability to use its attacks while it waits in its cocoon to evolve into Butterfree. Its only form of defense, until it evolves, is hardening its rock-hard shell."

Hayden stared at his Metapod in amazement. “Caterpie… I mean, Metapod…” he said slowly, almost in disbelief. “You evolved. After just one battle.” He grinned and picked up Metapod, swinging him in his arms. “Awesome! Great job, Metapod!” Metapod’s eyes brightened and it buzzed happily.

Hayden put Metapod on the ground, and Bulbasaur and Pidgey celebrated, too. “All right, team, let’s continue on,” Hayden said. “Onward, to Pewter City!” Hayden began to walk along the path when Bulbasaur cried out behind him.

“Bulbasaur!” Bulbasaur exclaimed. Hayden turned around, and saw that Bulbasaur, Pidgey, and Metapod were still just sitting in the path, Bulbasaur with a worried expression on its face. It unraveled a length of vine from its bulb and pointed at Metapod with it, shaking its head. “Bulba!”

“Oh, shoot!” Hayden said, realizing suddenly what the problem was. Metapod couldn’t move until it evolved again! Hayden walked back to his Pokemon and picked up Metapod. “Sorry, pal, I forgot you wouldn’t be able to move. This is my first time with a Metapod, after all.”

“Metapod,” Metapod buzzed, and it sounded like it was telling Hayden that it was okay, no worries.

“I’ll just put you in my backpack,” Hayden said. “How about that?” Metapod seemed to be okay with that, so Hayden unzipped his backpack and placed Metapod in a smaller pocket, just the right fit for the cocoon Pokemon. He left it unzipped and Metapod sat in his backpack with its head poking out. “I suppose I could just put you back in your Poke ball, but I’d rather travel with all of you guys out here with me. You could all use the fresh air, and how else are we going to get to know each other?”

They continued on for no more than five minutes before a new commotion was going on in their path. In Hayden’s ear, he heard a sound he’d been waiting for ever since entering Viridian Forest.

“Pika!” a high-pitched voice, that was undoubtedly a Pokemon, cried. It was coming from Hayden’s left. He looked, but there was just grass and bushes. He couldn’t see far inward. He turned to Bulbasaur and Pidgey, and motioned for them to be quiet.

“Follow me,” he whispered, and began to crawl slowly into the brush, Bulbasaur and Pidgey right behind him. He heard more Pokemon cries, and it sounded like there were at least ten, all the same Pokemon. Could it be…?

Reaching a clearing, Hayden stopped and gazed upon a large group of yellow mouse Pokemon that every trainer knew: Pikachu. They were small, yellow mice with long, swept back ears with black tips on the end. Their tails were long and jagged, like a lightning-bolt, and they all had red circles on their cheeks. Hayden’s excitement at finally finding Pikachu halted when he realized something bad was happening.

There were twelve Pikachu in the clearing, but eleven of them were angry and formed a semi-circle in front of another Pikachu. Sparks were flying from the red pouches on their cheeks, and they were all growling and calling out. Hayden tried to figure out what was going on, then noticed something – the Pikachu that all the others were ganging up on was smaller than the rest by quite a bit. Whereas the normal Pikachu were about as big as Bulbasaur, the one Pikachu, the smaller one, was only about three-fourths Bulbasaur’s size. It was laying on the ground, whimpering and backing away from the rest of the Pikachu.

Behind Hayden, Bulbasaur emitted a low, angry growl. Hayden turned and saw Bulbasaur ready to charge into the clearing to defend the smaller Pikachu. Hayden motioned for Bulbasaur to be quiet. “Stay here,” he whispered. “I want to help, too, but there’s too many of them for us to take. Let’s just watch and hope it gets resolved peacefully.” Fat chance of that, Hayden thought, but he was hoping. There wasn’t any way him, Bulbasaur, Pidgey, and Metapod could take on eleven angry Pikachu.

“Rai,” another Pokemon’s voice, deeper than the Pikachu’s, said from the brush. Into the clearing walked a Raichu, the evolved form of Pikachu. Raichu was orange, with a white tummy, and the pouches on its cheeks were yellow instead of red. Its tail was long and brown, ending in a smaller lightning bolt shape, and it stood twice as tall as the Pikachu. Hayden at first thought the bigger, older Pokemon was stepping in to help out, but then he realized that the Raichu looked just as angry as the other Pikachu, and was glaring at the smallest one. The Raichu walked over to the Pikachu and said something in Pokemon talk. The little Pikachu whimpered back but said nothing. The Raichu shook its head and whipped about, smacking the little Pikachu with its tail. The little Pikachu cried: “Pika!” and flew backwards, landing in a crumpled heap at the edge of the clearing. Raichu turned about and stomped away angrily, leading the other Pikachu into the forest.

Once they were out of sight, Hayden emerged from the brush into the clearing and approached the wounded Pikachu. Pidgey and Bulbasaur came near it as well, and when the little Pikachu noticed the group approaching it tried to run, but faltered and fell, too weak to move.

“Hey, little guy, we’re not gonna hurt you,” Hayden said, kneeling next to the Pikachu. “We want to help you.” He fished in his backpack and took out a Potion, the only one he had. “This should take care of your injuries. Hold still.” The Pikachu looked up at Hayden, fear filling its little black eyes, but it held still. Hayden sprayed the Potion’s healing medicine over the Pikachu’s wounds, careful to avoid its mouth, nose, and eyes. When he thought he was done, he put the Potion back in his backpack and smiled. “There, that should do it. How do you feel?”

The Pikachu stood on four feet and wobbled, but then looked up at Hayden and smiled slightly. It still looked very weakened, but at least its injuries were healed. “Pika… chu,” the Pikachu said slowly. Its little jagged tail wagged slightly.

“How are you going to survive out here on your own?” Hayden asked. “Those Pikachu abandoned you, didn’t they?” The Pikachu nodded sadly. Hayden thought for a moment, then took a Poke ball off of his belt and showed it to the Pikachu. “How about you come with us? I can get you to a Pokemon Center, which will help you recover your strength. And if you stick with us, you can get stronger. Maybe you can even get stronger than all the other Pikachu.” Pikachu seemed a little uncertain. “Hey, listen.” Hayden looked Pikachu in the eye. “I don’t care how small you are. It doesn’t matter. Size doesn’t matter, type advantage doesn’t matter.” He pointed at the Pikachu’s chest. “It’s about heart. If you come with us, I promise to get you to a Pokemon Center and get you healed up and ready to go. And if you want to stick with us, then I promise, I’ll help you become the strongest Pikachu ever. Nothing’ll stop you. Nothing at all.”

“Pika?” Pikachu asked, cocking its head to the side. It smiled slightly, and its tail wagged more. It eyed the Poke ball carefully, then nodded. “Pikachu.” It lifted a weary paw and pressed the button on the Poke ball. The ball opened, and in a blaze of white light, Pikachu was gone, contained inside the Poke ball. Hayden thought to say something, but then the ball burst open again and Pikachu was there, smiling happily.

“You want to stay out of your Poke ball like the others?” Hayden asked. Pikachu nodded. “All right then.” Hayden smiled. “Welcome to the team, Pikachu.”

Last edited by KantoChamp46; 08-10-2009 at 10:54 PM.
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  #8  
Old 07-30-2009, 05:41 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

I haven't read much of the story I will be honest, mainly because it's like staring at a wall of words. Sometimes making your chapters smaller is a good thing.

From the few things I have picked up on, Bulbasaur, Pikachu and Pidgey. Hmmm.... Who do I know that have caught the same Pokemon, started in the same area, and who is the character Hayden, very much like... I think I saw him on the television.

The name escapes me... Try not to do a story which is exactly like Ash's... Oh yeah, Ash. That was the name.
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Old 07-30-2009, 05:54 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

Thanks for the wall of words comment. I will try and either shorten chapters or split them up into separate posts.

I realize that it's easy to compare Hayden to Ash at this point. I could list the differences but that's kinda like beating a dead horse, and ignoring the similarities. I realized that when I was starting it out, but I've got it planned out and it really is as the story progresses that he and Ash become more distant from each other as far as the similarities go. Sure, he's cocky, but he's not an idiot (Ash kinda was when he started out, although he's gotten better). He started with Bulbasaur rather than Pikachu, and hasn't had a renegade Pokemon (at least not yet lol). I mean, he's more distinct in my mind and I realize the captures don't help much but really it's not like there's a huge amount of options of Pokemon to catch before Pewter City. I just didn't want to go out of my way to make him different, like make him catch Spearow and Weedle instead of Pidgey and Caterpie. So what? They're Pokemon I like, too, so I like my main character having them.

I really do see the similarities, I promise, and I also promise that they will become more distant from each other as the story progresses. I will take your wall of words comment to heart as well and shorten the chapters or break them up into separate posts. Thanks for reading, at least some of it, and giving your opinion.

And it really does get more interesting and unique than now. I have the whole story planned out, it just takes some time to get rolling. Every trainer has their humble beginnings, right? Hope the few who have read it keep reading, and I hope I don't disappoint with later chapters!

PS - Chapter Four's finished, but I'm waiting to see if anyone picks up on things that need edited in Chapter Three before posting it. If I don't hear anything I'll post it on Saturday.
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Old 07-31-2009, 02:36 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by james_gotex View Post
I haven't read much of the story I will be honest, mainly because it's like staring at a wall of words. Sometimes making your chapters smaller is a good thing.

From the few things I have picked up on, Bulbasaur, Pikachu and Pidgey. Hmmm.... Who do I know that have caught the same Pokemon, started in the same area, and who is the character Hayden, very much like... I think I saw him on the television.

The name escapes me... Try not to do a story which is exactly like Ash's... Oh yeah, Ash. That was the name.
I still haven't read the chapter yet (+_+), but I'd like to say that most people like long chapters, and these chapters only take up one post. =/ Long chapters are far better than shorter ones, and it's not a wall of text at all. >:/ It's called a story. And it's been broken up fine, and it's a good length and well separated. All my chapters are two posts, and nobody's complained.

KC: Don't make your chapters shorter. You write your chapters to suit you and the story--don't decide on where the chapter ends because of the length. If it's an important event that needs to go for a while--then so be it!

Sorry to be defensive, but in my opinion that was a bad idea to tell someone to shorten their chapters. A chapter can never be too long! (Unless it's, like--10 posts. xD)

~Xanthe.
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Old 07-31-2009, 02:55 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

Thanks, Xanthe. I feel the same way about chapter length. I was really just gonna have the post length shorter, but that sounds like a silly idea I guess lol. And my chapters are short to you? Hmm... well I try to make them central to a main event, so some chapters will be longer than others. *looks at Chapter 5* yeah, that'll be the longest one so far...

And you still haven't read the chapter? For shame, Xanthe... lol just kidding. =P I understand if you haven't had the time to read it yet. Read it when you're good and ready, and I'm glad you're still following it.
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Old 07-31-2009, 05:53 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

I'm LOVING this story so far KC!!! As the title of the chapter states; that poor little Pikachu.... Keep up the great work!! And don't worry, it's not a wall of text. As Xanthe says, just be sure to seperate paragraphs, and to seperate scenes with asterisks or whatever you feel like using.

Also Xanthe, I'm working on my own fic still. I'm STILL fleshing the characters. Quite a few of them aren't mine (I'm using them with permission though, don't worry!! XD), so I'm trying to be careful with their personalities and such so their true to the original creator's. I have about 2 or 3 characters left to complete, then I'll work on the plot. I'll hopefully have the story up in a couple of weeks or so. I'm also going back to work soon and will be starting college next year in January, so I'll have those to deal with as well.....
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

Okay, I know I said I was going to post Chapter Four on Saturday, but I've had it finished and already read and re-read (and rewrote a couple parts) twice, so I figured it's as good as it's gonna get (until someone else looks at it and points out something I missed). So, here's Chapter Four!

Chapter Four: Desperate Battle for the Boulder Badge
Location: Pewter City, Kanto Region
Characters: Hayden (Bulbasaur, Pidgey, Metapod, Pikachu), Brock (Geodude, Onix)

“Pewter City,” Hayden muttered as he crested the top of a hill. “Finally.” He had just left the thick, dark Viridian Forest behind him, and before him, in a valley, lay Pewter City. It was nearly twice the size of Viridian City, and was as grey as anything Hayden had seen before. There were few, if any, trees within the city, and a quarry lay in the center of town. There were people mining it with their Pokemon, and Hayden recognized several Geodude and even a few Graveler, its evolved form.

“Bulbasaur!” Hayden smiled down at his starter Pokemon.

“You as excited as I am?” he asked. Bulbasaur nodded happily. Pikachu and Pidgey jumped forward to join Bulbasaur in gazing down at the new city, and they seemed just as excited as Bulbasaur.

“Well, team, let’s get going,” Hayden said. “We’ll hit the Pokemon Center first, and then take on the Gym Leader!” His Pokemon let out triumphal cries and Hayden led the way, jogging down into Pewter City to the Pokemon Center.

In Pewter City’s Pokemon Center, Hayden had his Pokemon healed and decided to make a call to Professor Oak from the Center’s TV Phone while he was waiting. He dialed the number and waited patiently. After several rings, the screen brightened and Professor Oak was staring back at Hayden. A smile appeared on his face as he recognized him.

“Hayden!” Professor Oak said. “Good to see you! Where are you now?”

“I’ve just reached Pewter City, Professor,” Hayden said. “I’m getting my Pokemon healed at the Pokemon Center, and then I’m gonna take on the Gym.”

“Excellent,” Professor Oak said. “So, how many Pokemon have you caught?”

“So far, I’ve caught a Pidgey, a Caterpie, and a Pikachu,” Hayden replied. “Caterpie evolved into Metapod after his first battle!”

“Is that so?” Professor Oak asked in surprise. “Well, that’s quite impressive. Let me know how your challenge against the Gym goes. Congratulations on making it so far, and good luck.”

“Thanks, Professor,” Hayden said. He hung up the phone and, as if on cue, the bell chimed through the Pokemon Center to let him know that his Pokemon were ready. “Now it’s time,” Hayden said to himself, mentally preparing himself for the battle ahead. “Time for my first Gym Badge.”

Hayden retrieved his Pokemon from the Nurse and thanked her kindly, then went outside and released his Pokemon from their Poke balls. His four Pokemon: Bulbasaur, Pidgey, Pikachu, and Metapod looked at him with excitement and expectation.

“Are you guys ready for this?” Hayden asked. Bulbasaur nodded excitedly, and Hayden’s other Pokemon followed his starter’s lead. “Good to hear. Now, Brock’s the Gym Leader here, and he specializes in Rock Pokemon. That means most of our attacks aren’t going to be very effective against him. Bulbasaur, your Vine Whip should do some nice damage, though, because Grass moves are strong against the Rock type. But,” and Hayden stood tall, folding his arms across his chest, “remember, type advantage isn’t what’s important. Right?” Hayden’s four Pokemon all jumped and shouted their agreement. Hayden smiled and headed for Pewter Gym.

The Gym was set at the northern end of the quarry, looking down into it. It was a tall, but rather bland building, at least from the outside, with the faded words “Pewter City Gym” painted above the double doors. Hayden stood before those doors, taking a deep breath and readying himself. “Type advantage doesn’t matter,” he told himself several times. Finally, he pushed open the doors and entered the Gym.

Everything inside was darkness. The lights were all off, and Hayden’s footsteps echoed eerily on the stone floor.

“Hello?” Hayden called. He didn’t like the looks of this. “Maybe the Gym Leader’s not here,” he muttered. As he turned to walk away, a booming noise sounded and a single spotlight came on, shining down onto the opposite end of the room. Hayden squinted at the sudden light, but finally was able to make out the figure standing within the spotlight. A young, tan trainer with spiky brown hair, squinty eyes, and brown and green nondescript clothes stood in the spotlight. He had two Poke balls at his belt. Hayden recognized him from TV as Brock, the Pewter City Gym Leader.

“Are you here to challenge this Gym?” Brock’s scratchy voice called out.

“Yeah,” Hayden said, more confident now that the Gym Leader was right in front of him. He adjusted his baseball cap and grinned. “You’re Brock, right?”

“Yes,” Brock said, nodding. “And you are?”

“Hayden, from Pallet Town.”

“Very well.” Brock snapped his fingers, and many more lights came on. The inside of the building resembled a warehouse more than a gym, with the large, exposed lights high above, but in the center of the Gym was a rocky, rectangular battlefield. Brock stood on one side of it, while Hayden stood on the other.

“This battle will be between Brock, the Gym Leader of Pewter City, and Hayden, from Pallet Town,” Brock announced. “The prize, should the challenger win, will be the official Pokemon League Boulder Badge. Each trainer will be allowed two Pokemon. The Gym Leader will not be allowed to switch Pokemon during the battle, while the challenger may switch between his two Pokemon freely.” Brock smiled slightly and glanced at Hayden. “Are you prepared?”

“The real question is, are you?” Hayden asked, taking a battle stance and picking a Poke ball from his belt. He was definitely ready for this. Nothing was going to stop him from getting the Boulder Badge.

“Then let the battle begin!” Brock shouted, picking a Poke ball from his belt. “Go, Geodude!” Brock threw his Poke ball forward and out came Geodude, the rock Pokemon. It resembled a small boulder about the size of Bulbasaur, but with a large mouth and little eyes, and two skinny arms that extended from either side of it. It had no legs, but showed itself perfectly capable of propelling around the battlefield with surprisingly long hops.

“It’s all or nothing,” Hayden said. “Go for it, Bulbasaur!” He threw Bulbasaur’s Poke ball, but out came… Pikachu! “Huh?” Hayden said, staring at Pikachu. “I thought I picked Bulbasaur’s ball…” He shrugged and called out encouragingly to Pikachu. “You can do it, buddy! Start things off with a Quick Attack!”

Pikachu looked a little nervous, and Hayden realized that this was Pikachu’s first ever battle. The Geodude was almost twice Pikachu’s size and had the type advantage, but Hayden was sure Pikachu could pull off a win. Pikachu rushed forward, but in its hesitation gave Geodude time to evade the attack.

“That doesn’t look like a Bulbasaur to me,” Brock mocked, smiling cockily. Hayden glared at him, then turned his attention back to Pikachu.

“Pikachu, don’t be scared!” he called. “Use Thundershock!”

“Pika…” Pikachu said, grounding itself and charging up energy in its red cheek pouches. “Chu!” he shouted, and loosed a blast of electrical energy straight at Geodude. Brock said nothing, and Geodude just sat there, taking the hit without the slightest reaction.

“Electric attacks don’t work against Ground types,” Brock said, smiling, “and Geodude’s part Ground.”

“Shoot,” Hayden said under his breath, frowning. He knew that electric attacks were ineffective against Ground types in theory, but he could’ve sworn he’d seen battles on TV where trainers had used electric attacks to at least some effect against Ground types. Oh well, so much for that. Now all he had to work with were Pikachu’s physical attacks… and against Geodude, Pikachu would take more damage than he would deal. He considered switching Pikachu out for Bulbasaur, but then realized that, once Bulbasaur fainted, Pikachu would be his only Pokemon left. He was only allowed to use two Pokemon, after all.

“Hang in there, Pikachu,” Hayden called. “You can do this.”

“Geodude, Rock Throw!” Brock commanded. A fist-sized rock materialized in each of Geodude’s hands, and with a deep yell, it spun, hurling each of the rocks at Pikachu.

“Pikachu, use Quick attack to dodge it!” Pikachu charged up with energy and jumped out of the way, dodging the Rock Throw just in time. “Now, hit Geodude with a Tail Whip!” Pikachu lunged forward, spinning and smacking Geodude with its tail. Surprisingly, the attack had enough force to send Geodude flying into one of the rocks.

“Wow, Pikachu!” Hayden said, smiling. “I didn’t know you had that much power in you! Awesome, keep it up!” Pikachu smiled and seemed to grow more confident.

Geodude rose from the rocks, looking pretty healthy still. “Geodude, Tackle attack!” Brock called. Geodude rushed forward, and Pikachu couldn’t dodge in time and took the full force of the rocky Pokemon’s charge.

“Pika!” Pikachu cried in pain, flying into the rocks.

“Pikachu! No!” Hayden shouted. Pikachu fell to the ground and struggled to get up, but just couldn’t do it, and lay still.

“Pikachu, return!” Hayden said, recalling Pikachu to its Poke ball. “You did good, buddy. It’s all right.” Hayden reached down for a Poke ball, but then remembered his blunder with sending out Pikachu when he thought it was Bulbasaur. He looked down, making sure to pick out Bulbasaur’s Poke ball, and threw it forward. “Now it’s your turn, Bulbasaur! Go!” This time Hayden had chosen right, and out of the Poke ball came his saurian starter. Bulbasaur saw the Geodude it was facing and grinned confidently, taking up a battle stance and awaiting Hayden’s command.

“Geodude, Rock Throw!” Brock shouted. Once again, rocks materialized in Geodude’s hands and it flung them forward at Bulbasaur.

“Bulbasaur, Vine Whip them away!” Bulbasaur let out a cry and shot forth two vines from its bulb, using them to smack away the projectiles. “Now, hit Geodude with your Vine Whip!” Bulbasaur launched its Vine Whip forward, and Geodude was unable to dodge. It was hit full force by both vines and flew backward with a cry, landing in a heap at the edge of the battlefield. Try as it might, Brock’s Geodude could not get up. Hayden had won against Brock’s first Pokemon.

“Geodude, good job, return!” Brock called, returning Geodude to its Poke ball.

“Awesome, Bulbasaur! You were great!” Hayden shouted. Bulbasaur smiled and cheered along with him.

“The battle isn’t over yet,” Brock said, picking his second Poke ball from his belt. “Prepare to meet your match. Go, Onix!” Brock threw the Poke ball, and in a burst of light, out came the biggest Pokemon Hayden had ever seen: Onix, the rock snake Pokemon, a huge serpentine creature made of connected boulders. It towered over the battlefield, reaching nearly up to the ceiling of the massive building. Bulbasaur looked a little worried but stood his ground.

“It’s okay, Bulbasaur, we can do this,” Hayden said, not quite believing it himself but forcing himself to sound confident. Bulbasaur’s worry vanished at Hayden’s encouragement, and the final round of Hayden’s Gym Challenge began.

“Bulbasaur, Vine Whip!” Bulbasaur shot out its vines straight for Onix. There was no way it could miss – Onix was just way too big.

Or so Hayden thought.

“Onix, Dig!” Brock commanded. The rock snake roared and dove into the ground, burrowing underneath it and dodging Bulbasaur’s attack completely. Bulbasaur retracted its vines and looked around worriedly.

“Hold on, Bulbasaur,” Hayden said. “Wait for it to come up, then attack it.” Hayden listened and watched carefully. He could hear Onix burrowing beneath the battlefield. It would surface any moment now.

Suddenly, the ground beneath Bulbasaur cracked. “Bulbasaur, move out of the way!” Hayden shouted, but Onix shot out of the ground way too fast for Bulbasaur to react. Bulbasaur was knocked flying as Onix surfaced and took its position on the battlefield. Bulbasaur was down, but not out, and rose shakily to its feet. “You okay?” Hayden asked. Bulbasaur looked at Hayden and smiled, nodding. Hayden smiled back. “All right, pal, go for another Vine Whip!”

“Onix, Rock Tomb!” Onix roared and smacked its tail against the ground. Massive rocks rose up as pillars before Bulbasaur, blocking its Vine Whip. As Bulbasaur retracted its vines, Onix came racing around the pillars at astonishing speed.

“Onix, finish it with Bind!” Brock shouted.

“Bulbasaur, Vine Whip!” Hayden called desperately. Bulbasaur backed away from the Onix and hit it head on with Vine Whip. Onix roared in pain but didn’t stop or even slow down. Bulbasaur had nowhere to run. The rock snake wrapped itself around Bulbasaur and squeezed tightly, causing the small Grass-type to cry out in pain.

“Bulbasaur!” Hayden watched in horror as his starter Pokemon was being crushed by the Onix. He thought desperately for a way to escape, but couldn’t see one, and all that was clear of Onix’s Bind was Bulbasaur’s head. He couldn’t use any attacks. Hayden waited for several moments, trying to think of a plan. But standing there, watching Bulbasaur’s life being crushed out of him, was too much. He wasn’t going to put Bulbasaur through that kind of pain. He lifted Bulbasaur’s Poke ball slowly, aimed it towards his starter, and said, “Bulbasaur, return.” A beam of red light shot from the Poke ball, enveloped Bulbasaur, and pulled him back into his Poke ball. Hayden placed the ball back on his belt and stared at the floor.

“Bulbasaur is the only Pokemon you have left,” Brock called from the other side of the arena. “Do you forfeit?”

“Yes,” Hayden said. “You win.” Brock nodded in recognition and recalled his Onix, while Hayden walked out of the Gym.

Continued in next post...
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:14 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

Back at the Pokemon Center, Hayden retrieved Bulbasaur and Pikachu from Nurse Joy and then headed outside. He found a grassy patch on the ground and released all four of his Pokemon. Pidgey and Metapod looked rather happy to get the fresh air, but Bulbasaur and Pikachu both just stared at their feet. Hayden knew they were disappointed about their loss.

Hayden knelt down and stared at Bulbasaur and Pikachu. “Hey, guys,” he said, and the two Pokemon looked up at him. “You both did great. Pikachu, I didn’t mean to choose you but you fought hard and really gave it your all. And Bulbasaur, you were amazing. Onix was a tough opponent, and…” Hayden stared at the grass. “I wasn’t ready. I underestimated him.”

“Bulba,” Bulbasaur said, stretching out a vine and patting Hayden’s shoulder with it. “Bulbasaur.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Hayden said, smiling. He sat back on the grass and thought over the battle, and the competition. He’d never make it to the Indigo Tournament if he couldn’t beat his first Gym battle! “But what do we do?”

Onix was a gigantic Pokemon. It was way bigger than any of Hayden’s, so there was no way his direct attacks could get any advantage over it. Even Vine Whip couldn’t slow it down, despite the strength Grass type moves had against Rock types. Pikachu’s electric attacks were completely ineffective on both of Brock’s Pokemon, and they were too heavy to be knocked around by Pidgey’s Gust. Metapod was out of the question: he couldn’t battle again until he was done in his cocoon and evolved. Hayden could handle Geodude with Bulbasaur… but what could he do against Onix?

Then, an idea struck him. If he couldn’t defeat Onix with direct attacks, he’d beat him with indirect damage! He sat up excitedly, and ushered Bulbasaur close to have a strategy talk with him.

-----

“Back again, are we?” Brock asked. Hayden stood across from him once again inside the Pewter City Gym, on the other side of the rock battlefield.

“Yeah,” Hayden said. “I’m ready for a rematch.”

“Very well,” Brock said. “This battle will be between Brock, the Gym Leader of Pewter City, and Hayden, from Pallet Town. The prize, should the challenger win, will be the official Pokemon League Boulder Badge. Each trainer will be allowed two Pokemon. The Gym Leader will not be allowed to switch Pokemon during the battle, while the challenger may switch between his two Pokemon freely. Let the battle begin!”

“Go, Bulbasaur!” Hayden shouted, making sure to pick the right Poke ball and send out Bulbasaur this time. His starter Pokemon burst forth, energetic as ever and ready to win the Boulder Badge.

“I see you got it right this time,” Brock mocked, but Hayden ignored his taunt. “Go, Geodude!” As Hayden expected, Brock sent out the Rock Pokemon, Geodude, to start things off.

Brock started things off with a Rock Throw, which Bulbasaur easily dodged and followed up with a Vine Whip. This time, however, Brock surprised Hayden.

“Geodude, Defense Curl!” Brock commanded. Geodude wrapped its arms around itself and glowed with a silver light. Bulbasaur’s Vine Whip struck Geodude and sent it flying, but the Pokemon wasn’t hurt nearly as much as in the previous battle. “Now, hit him with a Tackle!”

“Bulbasaur, dodge it!” Bulbasaur leapt out of the way of Geodude’s Tackle and turned so that it faced the Rock-type. “Now use Vine Whip again!” Bulbasaur slammed Geodude with a Vine Whip and sent it crashing to the battlefield floor, unconscious.

“Geodude, return!” Brock said, recalling his Geodude. “Go, Onix!”

“We got this, Bulbasaur!” Hayden called as Brock’s Onix entered the battlefield. “Use Leech Seed!” Bulbasaur planted its feet and ducked down, aiming its bulb at Onix. Out of its bulb, Bulbasaur fired the small, energy draining seed straight at the center of Onix’s body and the largest target.

“Onix, Dig!” Brock commanded. Onix dove for the floor of the battlefield and disappeared beneath the surface.

“It’s okay, Bulbasaur, just watch for him to emerge and hit him when he comes up!” Hayden called. Bulbasaur waited, and the floor suddenly burst open beneath him. This time, Bulbasaur was ready for it, and dove to the side, just barely evading Onix as it came roaring out of the ground. As Bulbasaur prepared to fire another Leech Seed, however, Hayden saw that Brock’s Onix was glowing with a faint pink tint. The Leech Seed was planted firmly on the rock snake’s nose! Bulbasaur had hit it after all!

“Awesome, Bulbasaur!” Hayden shouted. “Now, hit him with a Vine Whip!”

“Onix, Rock Tomb!” Brock commanded. Just like last time, Brock’s Onix blocked Bulbasaur’s Vine Whip with the rocky pillars of Rock Tomb and then came snaking around to finish things off.

“Bulbasaur, don’t attack this time, just dodge him!” Hayden called. Bulbasaur dove out of the way of Onix and then ran away from it as it tried to wrap it in its Bind attack. Hayden hoped this would work. Leech Seed was draining Onix’s energy, but Onix was a huge Pokemon with lots of energy to spare. This was Hayden’s only chance, though. If he couldn’t win like this, then he’d be in Pewter City for a long, long time.

“Onix, Rock Throw!” Brock commanded. Onix brought its tail back, and then flung it forward, hurling rocks that had materialized with Brock’s command at Bulbasaur.

“Vine Whip! Knock them away!” Bulbasaur used Vine Whip and lashed away at the rocks, blocking all but one, which glanced off of his forehead. Bulbasaur reeled, dazed by the force of the impact.

“Onix, trap it with Rock Tomb!” Onix roared and smacked its tail against the ground, creating rocky pillars tight around Bulbasaur, trapping the Grass-type in place. “Now finish it off! Use Dig!” Onix dove underground, disappearing beneath the battlefield. Hayden looked on at Bulbasaur and called to him desperately.

“Come on, Bulbasaur, you’ve got to get free!” Hayden called. Bulbasaur squirmed and struggled as much as it could, but couldn’t find a space small enough to squeeze through and escape. “You can do it, Bulbasaur! You’ve got to!” Hayden continued calling on in encouragement, but then stopped. Why hadn’t Onix surfaced yet? Brock and Hayden both stood, staring at the battlefield expectantly. Not a sound could be heard other than Bulbasaur’s desperate struggling.

What was going on?

Suddenly, a crack appeared in the battlefield floor. And then another. Slowly, more cracks appeared, but it was in the center of the battlefield, away from Bulbasaur. A few seconds later, Onix emerged… or, rather, half of him did. The rock snake thrust its head up through the ground, but couldn’t get the rest of itself free. It looked over at its trainer, still half-submerged in the rock, and both Hayden and Brock could easily see that it was exhausted. The Leech Seed had done its work. Onix roared once, faintly, and then fell to the ground and lay still.

There was a long pause as both Brock and Hayden stared at each other, both looking on in disbelief. Finally, Brock recalled Onix and smiled. “Good job, Onix,” he said, then looked at Hayden. “And good job, Hayden of Pallet Town. You’ve earned yourself the Boulder Badge.”

“Ye-hea!” Hayden cheered, running across the battlefield. He recalled Bulbasaur into its Poke ball, and then stood before Brock to accept the badge. The Boulder badge was about the size of a quarter and shaped like an octagon and grayish-silver. Hayden accepted it gladly, and then rushed from the Gym, pumping his fist in the air and cheering all the way to the Pokemon Center.

He’d won the Boulder Badge, and his first step on the way to Indigo Plateau was complete!
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  #15  
Old 07-31-2009, 09:41 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon: Becoming a Master (Chapter 3 is up!)

I just read your first chapter and noticed this:

Quote:
Hayden winced, but Charmander looked pleased, and Klaire recalled Charmander, er, Charlie, into its Poke ball.
Charlie was recalled here, but in another paragraph soon after:

Quote:
“Welcome to the team, Bulbasaur.” Bulbasaur let out another happy cry, and Hayden recalled the Pokemon into its Poke ball. Klaire recalled Charmander, and the two thanked Professor Oak profusely. Hayden could barely contain himself, he was grinning nonstop, and he was ready to start his adventure.
Charlie was recalled again. Goodness, silly Charmander! Stay in your Poke Ball! ; )
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