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  #1  
Old 06-05-2009, 07:48 AM
SaixPuppy's Avatar
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Default How's this story so far?

Pokemon Episode 1- Arceus’s Fury
As Forest turned towards the sun, he noticed something odd. The sky around it glowed a pure, vivid blue. He squinted his weary eyes at the sky to get a closer look. He could lightly make out the faded outlines of a few giant pokemon firing attacks viciously. Being a curious Grovyle he wanted to check it out. Forest sprinted closer and closer to the fight in the sky. He ran through his hometown, Green Grove Village, past Mt. Carnivorous, through a cave and he came out the other side to find a bright, brilliant white flash of light coming for his face. He quickly jumped up to dodge and found himself face to face with a familiar face. Forest thought for a second then realized that he was in front of Dialga! Next to Dialga was Palkia and Giratina! The legends looked at each other, then faced Forest, and attacked! Dialga used Roar Of Time, Palkia used Spacial Rend, and Giratina used Shadow Force! They attacked in unison, the attacks coming for Forest’s face! He tried to dodge but his feet wouldn’t move! The attacks would hit in three seconds! THREE, TWO, ON-. “GAAAHHH!” Forest woke up with a start and fell backwards. Forest got up out of his bed and walked to the woods.
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  #2  
Old 06-05-2009, 11:01 PM
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Default Re: How's this story so far?

I think the plot itself isn't bad, but you need to work on length. The whole thing is a huge paragraph, which doesn't fly here - or most other places, for that matter. There's no description, things are passing like a blur without any explanation, what was probably supposed to be the most exciting part was boring, flat, and lacking in momentum, and at the end of the excerpt (I hope this isn't considered an actual 'chapter') Forest just got up and strolled into the woods as if he hadn't just had a vivid dream of a bunch of Legendaries sending Arceus Beams at each other.

Modifications must be made.
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  #3  
Old 06-06-2009, 08:00 AM
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Default Re: How's this story so far?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giratina View Post
I think the plot itself isn't bad, but you need to work on length. The whole thing is a huge paragraph, which doesn't fly here - or most other places, for that matter. There's no description, things are passing like a blur without any explanation, what was probably supposed to be the most exciting part was boring, flat, and lacking in momentum, and at the end of the excerpt (I hope this isn't considered an actual 'chapter') Forest just got up and strolled into the woods as if he hadn't just had a vivid dream of a bunch of Legendaries sending Arceus Beams at each other.

Modifications must be made.
Ok. I'm still working on it. And by the way this is like maybe one hundreth of the story.
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  #4  
Old 06-06-2009, 08:58 AM
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Default Re: How's this story so far?

So it's not a chapter? x3
I actually like the way you write, and there is some description and use of good words, but you need to add more emotion, description of the characters (describe what a Grovyle, Giratina, Palkia and Dialga look like) and also the moves. You also need to space out your stuff a bit and describe things like what the ground felt like, what things smelled like and what Forest could hear. :P

~Xanthe.
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