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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-27-2008, 12:26 PM
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Default Secret Invasion: Pokemon [DONE]




Based on Marvel Comics’ “SECRET INVASION” series.
Shape-shifting Skrull aliens have invaded Earth and replaced various characters in the Marvel Universe. They based their invasion on a religious prophecy that Earth belongs to the Skrull Empire.
Now, Skrulls have invaded Kanto…
For: Pichu
Minimum: 5000
Maximum: 10000
Mine:
Story (excluding intro, including spaces and titles): 6742
Story (excluding titles, including intro and spaces): 6904
Story (excluding intro and titles, including spaces): 6677
Story (excluding intro, titles and spaces): 5514

Chapter 1

----2 Years ago---

A black haired boy with a red hat walks into Professor Oak’s lab. He wore a black shirt and a blue jacket. On his hands he wore green gloves. He was wearing blue trousers and blue running shoes.
“Why, hello Ash. What brings you to these parts? Last I heard of you, you were in
Hoenn,” said Professor Oak.
“Where are the Pokeballs?” Ash asked blankly.
“They’re right here,” Professor Oak asked. “But why would you want another one? You’ve already got Pikachu… Wait, where is Pikachu?”
Then something rather peculiar happened. Ash’s body started shaking and shrinking. He turned into a small, yellow mouse-like Pokemon.
“Pichuuuuu!” it cried and fired a jolt of electricity at the Professor, rendering him unconscious.
An orange-haired girl walked through the door, and noticed the Professor. She resembled Cerulean City’s Gym Leader, Misty.
“You have done well,” she said, looking at the Pichu. “I shall alert the Queen of your success and send an agent to replace the Professor immediately. This is the perfect way to spread Skrulls all over the continent rapidly,” She said as she glanced at the Pokeballs. “Leave the laboratory and go to Viridian Forest. There you can blend in with the Pikachu infants.”


---Present---

Pan, who had just returned from Hoenn, decided to pay a visit to Professor Oak. He had black hair and has wearing a white hat. He wore a blue shirt and jeans and white running shoes. He sent out his evolved starter Pokemon, Ninjask, which he got from Professor Birch, and his trusty Empoleon. He got on Empoleon’s back and it took him to Pallet Town across the sea, where Professor Oak’s lab was. He hadn’t seen the Professor for almost 3 years.
About an hour later, he reached Pallet Town. He withdrew his Pokemon and walked towards the lab.
“Hello, Professor!” Pan said as he walked in to the lab.
“Hello, young man! Did you come here for your starter Pokemon?” asked the Professor, clearly not recognizing him.
“No, Professor. I got one 3 years ago. I wanted a Nincada, so you told me to go to Hoenn to ask Professor Birch for one, remember?” Pan said.
“Oh, right! What was your name again?”
Pan sighed. “My name is Pan, sir,” he answered. “It’s probably his age,” Pan thought. “He’s really old. I think I heard somewhere that memory’s the first thing to go. Must be why he’s losing his memory,” Pan tried to explain the Professor’s lack of memory in his head. “What a shame”, he continued thinking “He was an excellent professor. He’d always been really kind too…”
“Oh-then you have no business in my laboratory! Good-bye!” the Professor said angrily, interrupting Pan’s thoughts. Pan tried to say something, but was kicked out of the laboratory before he could say a word.
“Is it just me, or is he unusually rude?” Pan thought. “Oh well, I guess I’ll challenge the Kanto Gyms.” Pan said as he took out his Town Map. “Alright”, he thought out loud, “The Boulder Badge is in Pewter to the north. To get to Peweter City, I have to pass through Viridian Forest.”


END OF CHAPTER 1


Chapter 2

Pan had almost made his way to Viridian Forest, when an old man stopped him.
“Where do you think you’re going, kid?” the old man asked.
“Where does it look like I’m going?” Pan answered. “To Peweter City. And, unless this map is mistaken, to go there I have to pass through Viridian Forest. So with all due respect, unless you know a better way of getting to Peweter City, please step aside, sir.”
“I wouldn’t go there if I were you. Strange things have been happening in this here forest lately,” the old man warned him with a menacing tone in his voice.
“Oh, please. What could be strange enough to keep me from the forest?”
“Oh, you’ll see…” the old man said as he stepped aside. The way he said it was so ominous, Pan thought he was probably just trying a bit too hard to scare him.

“Everything seems normal.” Pan thought as he walked through the forest. The smell of fresh air relaxed him. The trees in the forest were in leaf and lush green. He saw wild Pokemon everywhere, but nothing of interest, until he spotted a group of Pichus.
“Hey, those are quite rare,” Pan thought to himself. “I’ll see if I can catch one”.
“Go, Dash!” he said as he threw a Pokeball in the air, revealing his Linoone. Instead of staying to fight, all but one of the Pichus fled as fast as they could. “Dash, use Slash!” Pan said, and his Pokemon obeyed. Dash jumped and landed next to the Pichu and quickly slashed it with its powerful claws. What appeared to be green blood rushed down the Pichu’s cheek. “That is unusual,” Pan thought, remembering the old man’s words, “But green blood is not the strangest thing that could happen, right?”
Then all of a sudden, the Pichu grew wings and attacked with Steel Wing, which was a very unusual thing indeed. “Dash, use Pin Missile!” Pan commanded, and Dash stretched its back and launched numerous pointed hairs at the winged Pichu. Suddenly, the defending Pichu enveloped itself in darkness disappeared. Seconds later, it re-appeared behind Dash, and although it had no effect, it startled both the Pokemon and its Trainer-the Pichu had used Shadow Force, a move only Giratina could use. It took the chance and turned its arm into a wooden hammer and used Wood Hammer, nearly knocking out the Linoone.
“Dash, return!” Pan said as he withdrew his Pokemon, confirming that this was no ordinary Pichu. “Tyranos, it’s your turn!” Pan said as he released his Tyranitar from its Pokeball. “Use Hyper Beam!”
The Armor Lizard Pokemon obeyed the command and fired a powerful energy beam from its mouth, hitting the Pichu directly and leaving only a cloud of smoke and dust behind. “Stand back, Tyranos” Pan said, expecting the odd Pichu to pull off another impossible move.
The dust settled, and the Pichu was nowhere to be seen. “It must’ve taken too much damage and fled” he thought as he withdrew his Pokemon and continued towards Peweter. A few minutes later, he heard a crackling noise and turned around just in time to dodge a Thunderbolt the Pichu had aimed at him. Its face was distorted; eyes as green as emeralds, a scar on his cheek and dirt all over his tiny visage. Instinctively, he grabbed a Pokeball from his belt and released his Pokemon. “Grass Knot, Hydroblade!” he commanded instantly, and his Empoleon’s eyes became a glowing green. Pichu saw this and stopped charging electricity. He seemed to be taken by surprise when the grass around him formed a sort of rope and tied it up. “Its eyes were green” Pan noticed. “Could that have anything to do with why it didn’t continue attacking? Regardless, that Pichu is as good as mine” he thought out loud as he threw an empty Pokeball at the strange Pichu. It encompassed it in a red light then disappeared into the ball. It wobbled once… Twice…
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Last edited by mew magician; 06-08-2010 at 12:47 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-08-2010, 12:49 PM
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Default Re: Secret Invasion: Pokemon [DONE]

I had left this story unfinished when I left PE2K, but now that I'm back, I decided I'd like to have that Pichu ;p
So here it is, the finished "Secret Invasion: Pokemon". [If I do get the Pichu, it's obviously a normal one :P]
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  #3  
Old 12-11-2010, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: Secret Invasion: Pokemon [DONE]

I’m just kinda meshing the intro into the plot section of this grade because there’s not much to say about it.

Story/Plot:

You’ve actually got the makings of a very nice plot here. I like how you connected so many things together into the underlying plot about the Skrulls, whatever they are. You did a great job of telling me just enough about the Skrulls to keep me interested, and wanting to read more of the series. I’m hoping the creativity continues and you come up with interesting implications for the events that happened in this story. I’m definitely intrigued to know how having a Skrull as a Pokemon will affect Pan in the future. Really good job.

Detail/Description:

Your descriptions were very basic. You used simple colors and words to describe what your characters were wearing, for example. I don’t necessarily need to know exactly what your character is wearing at any given moment, but I would like to know more about their personalities, which you can reveal through their actions. For example, when Oak snapped at Pan, I inferred that he was a rude character, which brings me to another point. You used Pan’s thoughts during that scene to move the plot forward a little bit. I’ll quote it:

Quote:
Pan sighed. “My name is Pan, sir,” he answered. “It’s probably his age,” Pan thought. “He’s really old. I think I heard somewhere that memory’s the first thing to go. Must be why he’s losing his memory,” Pan tried to explain the Professor’s lack of memory in his head. “What a shame”, he continued thinking “He was an excellent professor. He’d always been really kind too…”
I know what you were trying to do here; you were trying to give the reader a hint that Oak had, in fact, been replaced by a Skrull since Pan last saw him. However, this isn’t really the right way to go about it. You’re just putting your own thoughts into Pan’s head instead of describing the situation. You should try to describe more things about Professor Oak that are different, so the reader makes the connection that this definitely isn’t the Oak that Pan met the first time. For example, you could say something like:

“Pan stared at Oak’s face. There was something odd about it, something Pan couldn’t quite place. His eyes emitted a pale green glow, and his cheekbones were sharper than Pan remembered.”

Then maybe after that, you could flash back to Oak welcoming Pan into the laboratory, and being really nice to Pan. This would show that Oak has clearly become more rude… or, perhaps, it’s a completely different person. I added in the detail about green eyes because it’ll cement the reader’s knowledge that Oak has been replaced by a Skrull, which they should really be able to figure out on their own, anyway.

Another reason why using his thoughts to describe all that isn't a great idea is because it's just not realistic. I don't know if you think in full, coherent thoughts like that, but I sure don't. It was a nice try, but not the best method.

Grammar/Style:

Maybe I just wasn’t looking as hard as I usually do, but I didn’t really see any problems with your grammar, so good job. Next time, do split up your paragraphs, though. It's much easier to read when you have:

"I'm going out," Mary said.

"Okay," replied her mom.

...instead of:

"I'm going out," Mary said.
"Okay," replied her mom.

Length:

6742. Fine.

Battle:

I like that you worked the Skrull plotline into the battle with Pichu shape-shifting. I got to see that the Skrull shape-shifting power is really quite expansive, which makes me want to read the rest of the series even more. Your description of the individual attacks was quite sparse at times, however. For example, you said “Pichu grew wings and used Steel Wing,” but never described what that attack looks like at all. Otherwise, the battle was fairly well done.

Overall:

I’d say Pichu captured! For the future, definitely work on describing things in more detail. Otherwise, good job on the plot, and I hope to see more. I also hope you can forgive our wonderful grading staff for forsaking this for so long.
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SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
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supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 10:18 PM. Reason: Character Count
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