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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-10-2008, 09:46 PM
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Default Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [revive] [Chapter 3 in the house!]

Intro
Intro edited on november 23 2009

Hey~! Alana here! Well i got really into my fanfic a while ago. But it died out when I lost intrest/focused on schoo/lack of readers. BUT! I dont really care about readers anymore *Shot for lies* Well, I like readers, but not having them is not going to stop me from writing. I recently finished chapter three. and my writers block is a thing of the past. And now, that I have brought my grades up, I am no longer sturggling in school and have a smooth plan of when to do homework and when to play. So! My Fanfic is now, and officially Revived

I can revive my fanfic right?
Below is a list of the chapters and a link to the specific post the chapter is in. That way, if you have already read say, One and Two. You dont have to search for the third. Just click on the link :) alright hope this helps

NEW READERS ALWAYS WELCOME
kthx




Table Of Contents

Prologue: Attack On Dewstrup

Chapter One: Colleen

Chapter Two: Dewstrup Gym Chaos Rules Dewstrup

Chapter Three: Alliances Formed
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Last edited by Alana Marie; 11-23-2008 at 08:00 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-10-2008, 09:53 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios

Prologue

He ran, his briefcase clutched to his chest. The dark sky lit up by the heat of battle. Yelling pandemonium, people screeching in fear as they ran for their life’s. His breaths coming in short gasps of wheezing oxygen, as he struggled to keep up his fast pace. The man’s white lab coat flailing behind him. His hair in beard, white, and slick with sweat.

CRASH!

I giant metal ball hit the ground, shaking the earth and breaking the sound barrier. A raging inferno erupted from its core and twisted black figures crawled out snarling and hissing. Their gnarled hands reaching forth and grabbing a women from the crowd. She screamed, her face pale as a ghost as the demonic thing squeezed her tighter. With movement the women was down its gullet, it roared and swiped its hand back and forth knocking people to the ground in its wake. It companions roared in unison as they spread out and attacked the city of Dewstrup.

He stopped for a brief second, to take in the horror, jolted back to reality only by the loud screams of a trainer. He was young, sobbing in agony over his fallen companion. A Skeptile lay on the ground, covered in blood, a large, deep, welt on its chest. Horrific. What were these creatures?

There was no time to wonder now, he ran on.

I must get to the lab… he kept telling himself, resisting the urge to summon forth his Arcanine and fight with the younger trainers.

All of them, fighting valiantly to hold of the beasts that attacked their city. But whatever those things were, normal pokemon were no match for the evil beasts that came form nowhere.

Steady wing beats entered his ears, his golden eyes shifting upwards to catch a glance at what was causing the noise. Hundreds, if not, thousands of giant flying beasts, larger then houses. Roaring and sending giant columns of flames down onto the helpless city.

Where these pokemon!? How could this be? What had they ever done, to deserve this? To deserve innocent people to die, pokemon to die. A great city to be dismantled at the hinges!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He laughed, his voice echoing down to the panicking city-goers below. His red eyes glinting of hatred and blood lust. With a swift move of his hand 3 more bomb-like-balls went flying into the city, carrying his creations.

He, the leader of Team Chaos, would rule the largest and most powerful region, Altura, under his mighty fist. Then he would go on to conquer all of the Pokemon world with his little beasties. The giant beasts that tore apart the town, ripping humans limb from limb. All of them were his creations. He made them, spawned them from the hate of the Legendary Pokemon Zargutoa His hatred for Humans proved useful in making that giant evil Pokemon that loomed over Dewstrup.

Rathios, the leader of Chaos, flung his head back to the sky. Laughing a horrible laugh. Standing upon his mount, a black somewhat larger, version of a Dragonite. Its eyes like smoking embers.

A brave Ludicolo fired a large bubble beam at Rathios. The dark man teetered atop his Pokemon then turned his boring eyes on the trainer of the Ludicolo. A boy, no older then 16, stared back at him. Anger flushed his cheeks

“Fool! You think your pitiful Pokemon can beat my creations?”

His fingers snapped together, instantly a black orb appeared in the Dragonite’s mouth, shooting a beam down. Not only at the Pokemon but at the trainer, The boy was engulfed in the giant beam, dust blowing up around him.

The poor fools He thought, as he watched his children devour in the city in flames.



Last edited by Alana Marie; 10-10-2008 at 10:26 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-10-2008, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios[[Setting up, dont post]]

Four errors:

Second line: "hair in beard"?

First letter of second paragraph should be an A

Third paragraph, near the end of the first line: I think you mean Sceptile.

Second to fourth paragraph, you should probably rephrase that "he turned his boring eyes" part.

Otherwise, it looks good! I look forward to seeing where you're going with this.
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  #4  
Old 10-12-2008, 08:53 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios

CHAPTER ONE:Colleen

Professor Burbin entered the lab, sodden and wet from rain and the blood of his fellow city goers. His face was filled with grieving and pain as he slammed the case onto the table.

“Damn it!” he yelled, slamming his fists onto the table in frustration.

“That fool! What has he done?” he fumed pacing back and forth as his apprentices watched him eagerly. Waiting for the command whatever it may be.

“Good your all here now I want you too…Where is Colleen!?” He screamed, normally he was a kind loving person. But under the circumstances he was in no mood for the girls incompetence. As if on cue a girl, with wavy blonde hair ran inside. Her face covered in mud.

“I am here..” she said, rather quietly as she took her seat, head down.

The professor paced back and forth for a few minutes. Stroking his beard. He mumbled a few things, muffled gibberish into his hand. His brow creased as his shoes clopped loudly on the floor. It was only a matter of time before the giant monsters were bearing down upon them. He had to come up with a solution and he needed one now. He knew what Rathios was after. His eyes strayed to the briefcase on the table. He had to get it away. Far away.

But who could he trust it too. His eyes scanned his apprentices and lab hands. All of which capable of a lot. His eyes lingered on Colleen. A somewhat moody teenager. Who showed promise in her great intelligence and her skilled battling technique.

“Colleen.” he said, her head jerked upwards, icy blue eyes wide.

“Yes Professor?” she asked, standing up, her jeans were ripped in several places and there were a few cuts on her arms.

Obviously the girl had been battling the monsters. He knew she would do that, which was why she was late. He guessed she finally gave up in time to keep her, and her Pokemon‘s, life.

“I am assigning you to a important mission. So great that I cannot even tell you all the details. All you need to know..” he said, running a wrinkled hand over the briefcase.

It was old and falling apart, worn brown leather. The handle a old and dirty gold, dents along the edges from years of firm grips. On each side were two dials, 3 number codes. If something so important was in there. Why not have a super protective case?

The professor dialed the numbers needed and the top of the briefcase popped open. All the interns and apprentices leaned over the ajar briefcase. Inside was..

“Another case? How ironic” Colleen said, sniffing in disgust. Professor Burbin rolled his eyes.

“Yes, did you think I would keep something this important in just a old briefcase? What do you take me for?” He replied. His hands hovered over the small metallic case.

He ran his fingers tenderly over the outside of the metallic case. It glowed in the light of the candle. The lights of the lab were off. Rathios was less likely to attack a empty building. Only one single candle stood in the middle of the table. His fingers searched the cover of the case blindly, looking for an imperfection on its surface. A small indent, barley noticeable to the human eye, his fingers pressed it in deeper and a holographic screen sprouted from the top of the box.

Colleen, and the others, jumped back surprised, as the bluish light of the hologram bathed the lab.
He only had a few minutes to turn type in the code before the evil creatures saw the faint blue light being emitted from the lab. His fingers were a blur as his fingers punched a series of numbers that popped onto the screen. More miniature screens came forward, each one dismissed by his quick fingers. Finally the light shut off and the box opened. All of the interns leaned forward to peer inside the case.

A stone, its outer shell a soft, pale, blue. Somewhat transparent, inside was a swirling black cloud. At first glance it would appear to be plain black. But Colleen leaned forward.

“There is…something moving in there” She said flatly, reaching her pale hand over to touch it.

“Of course there is.” Burbin replied, slapping Colleen’s hand. She retreated, rubbing the top of her hand with a hurt look on her face.

“Inside this, is something so important, so secret…” he said, smiling as all his workers stared at him, waiting to hear what was held In the stone. “So secret that I am not telling any of you under any circumstances.”

A series of groans erupted from the group as they all sat back down in their seats rather displeased. Colleen crossed her arms under her chest and smirked at the professor.

“Why tell us about something you…cant really tell us about?” she questioned, one pale eyebrow quirked.

The professor rolled his eyes. That was Colleen, her brain and her mouth always getting her into trouble. He stared at her for a second.

Was the book right?

Is she really the one? She is so young.. he thought, he was shaken by Colleen’s cough. Obviously she wanted an answer to her question.

“Because, for this particular mission. You don’t need details. All you need to know, Colleen, is that you must get far away from here. To the small city of Haventrin.” Professor Burbin said, taking the stone and putting it on a chain.

“Haventrin? Never heard of it?” she said, tying the chain around her neck and tucking it in the front of her shirt.

“That’s exactly why you are going there” he replied, grabbing a backpack from the shelf and packing it up with food and other necessities. “now, run home, grab some clothes and get all your Pokemon. Then leave.” He said, putting the backpack on her back and taking something out of his pocket.

“Here is your new PokeNav. I have the coordinates programmed for Haventrin. It is fingerprint operated, so only you can see it. But, you can always add people into it. But I warn you. Be careful. You never know what might happen”

Colleen nodded, she was serious now. She didn’t know where exactly she was going, she didn’t know what she was doing when she got there. But she knew she was going to do it right.

It was pure chaos as Colleen left the Lab, she saw far off in the distance the looming shape of the massive creatures, roaring and hissing as they attacked the city. She ran, fast, her legs pumping her towards her house. She skidded around a corner, a high pitched, demonic screech came from her right side. Her icy blue eyes fell on a beast as big as a giant oak tree. It’s face scarred and filled with fury. Giant fangs, stained with blood, it screeched again and lunged at her. Surprise etched into her features she jumped to her left, falling to the ground with a thump.

The thing, black as night, pounced again, pinning her to the ground with its twisted, spider-like hand holding tight to her chest. She felt her lungs, desperate for air. The evil Pokemon, spawned by hatred, leaned forward, about to gobble her whole when a sudden blast of fire came from no where, knocking it off of her. It fell to the ground screeching and clawing at its burning face.

Colleen looked around, but found no owner of the fire blast. She mentally shrugged, best not to wait for the massive thing to attack her again. She pulled herself to her feet and continued to run to her house. It was a tedious task, dodging the odd fire ball being hurled at you or jumping over a fallen creature the size of your house. Not to mention the Professor told her to try and go unseen. So she had taken the back roads to her house.

She turned a corner and was greeted by pure silence, she was glad this part of town was unharmed. Though In the distance the sky was painted a bloody red, flames rose above the tree tops and giant monster’s loomed above them. Colleen shook her head.

Don’t think about that…

She continued, walking now. Her steps slow and even as her chest heaved, trying to refill her body with oxygen. Her legs were tense, ready to run at a moments notice. As she passed the doors of her neighbors she saw all the lights out, only single candles burning as the owners of the house sat huddled around them, their faces pale with fear and their poke balls in hand, ready to battle if needed. Colleen hoped they wouldn’t have to. That the monsters would simply skip this small part of the city, finding it inferior and unneeded. Unfortunately, Colleen was wrong.

Her house smelled clean and fresh, it was abandoned. She knew it would be. Her father and brothers were out battling like she had been. She could only hope they were better off then she was.

She, and her Glaceon name Iris, had almost been killed. Battling valiantly they had been double crossed and attacked from behind. Luckily Colleen wasn’t driven by sheer force and pride and knew when to back down.

She stepped over the many piles of books that her father had scattered everywhere. She took a small flight of stairs up and stepped into her room. It smelled of lavender and scented candles. As Colleen started shoving clothes into her backpack, she wished Burbin had told her what sort of climate she was to encounter.

Shrugging she packed 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of shorts, a bathing suit and a sweatshirt. Then she stuffed in a random pile of clothes to which she had no idea what was inside. She threw in a hairbrush and some soap and a candle. Entering her bathroom she chucked a toothbrush and toothpaste in the bag.

She clipped her 3 poke balls to her belt, They contained Iris, the Glaceon, Soot, the Charmeleon, and Izzy the Blastiose. Colleen rid herself of her ripped jeans and put on a pair of black jeans, with holes in the knees so she could run easier. She put on dark green tank top and over that a black hoodie. She wanted to blend in as much as possible. Slinging her backpack over her shoulder she left a note she had written for her parents, if they ever saw her room, that is.


The outskirts of the town were barren and deserted, the police had left their post at the gateway, obviously helping with the problem at hand. She was lucky to make it out without being seen. The person who was controlling the horrid army was riding on a black Dragonite, Colleen passed under him on her way out. If she was supposed to go unseen, she knew to stay away from him.

Perhaps she lingered too long, or maybe it was the stones presence, but at that moment one of Rathios’s men looked straight at her. He notified his master, tugging on his sleeve. Colleen couldn’t lip read but she guessed he said something to the effect of “There is a girl leaving the city, should we stop her?”
Rathios looked at her and dismissed the man with a wave of his hand and returned to watching the battle. Obviously she wasn’t that big of a threat. Colleen turned and began her long walk to Haventrin, staying off the roads, but close enough to them that she didn’t get lost. The poke ball on her right hip popped open and in a flash of red Iris stood next to her.

“Well Iris, this is going to be a long adventure” the 15 year old girl moaned. Colleen thought she could detect a hint of laughter in Iris’s eyes as they trudged through the forest to who knows where. The stone bumping gently against her chest as she walked.


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Last edited by Alana Marie; 10-12-2008 at 08:55 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-13-2008, 11:56 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter one posted!]] [[COME READ??!!]]

I'm noticing a lot of paragraphs beginning with "she". Oh, and some more description of the creatures would be nice too. Otherwise, everything's good.
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  #6  
Old 10-15-2008, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter one up]] [[Is Desprate For readers! :(]]

awesome fan-fic yu have here! i love the descriptions of the black creatures!
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Old 10-18-2008, 05:17 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter one up]] [[Is Desprate For readers! :(]]

Chapter Two: Dewstrup Gym Chaos Rules Dewstrup


Bam

Rathios slammed his fists against the desk in his new office, at his new headquarters. In Dewstrup.

The battle was long and drawn out, he had underestimated the trainers that lived there. He had to admire their passion in battle. But one after another they were picked off. Feeling generous, he didn’t kill all of them. Though most of the cities patrons were either dead or badly injured.

He took the better battlers into captivity, now, if they died there from lack of medical treatment that wasn’t his fault. He had spared them a horrible death. He thought that was rather generous, though the people imprisoned in the basement of Dewstrup City’s gym felt differently.

“We let the Stone out of the city!” he roared, his anger flaring higher then the heavens.

His followers fell back in fear, Rathios was known for his explosive temper, and the need to take it out on others. Rathios’s face had turned a deep, purplish red and his blood pressure was probably though the roof.

“Sir, several people made it out of the city, you told us to leave them alone. Perhaps one of them had the Stone?” the voice came from the back of the room, barley audible. The voice was shaky and quite, coming from the mouth of a skinny, middle aged man. His eyes blood shot.

Rathios spun about to face him, nostrils flailing in hatred and anger. The man, in effect, had accused Rathios of letting the Stone leave the city. Well, that is how Rathios heard it.

“Are you, you puny little man, accusing Me Of letting the Stone leave the city?” Rathios was yelling now, his voice was probably being heard down in the basement, which had been made into a dungeon.

He stomped over to the man, his feet slamming into the floor. With a swift movement his hand was on the man’s neck, holding him against the wall. Madness was written all over Rathios’s face as his fingers tightened on the poor man’s neck. His face inches away from Rathios.

“How dare you” Rathios hissed, his heated breath passing over the man’s face, each word brought a mist across his face. “I should kill you..” he continued squeezing harder as each breath became more painful to the man.

“I-I-I-I am sorry…m-my lord” He managed to stammer, his face turning blue from the lack of oxygen.

Rathios shook his head and threw the man across the room, with a clang he hit the metal wall and fell to the ground, holding his neck. As if to keep Rathios from strangling him again.

“You, are a waste of my time.” he said, knocking a glass of his desk and into the wall, it shattered into a million pieces, glittering on the floor.

“We MUST fine the person in possession of the Stone” he growled under his breath, nostrils flaring.

“Spread out, search the roads leaving the town. Looks for…” he thought about it, If Burbin had the stone before he either would have it himself or give it to someone. Someone strong and powerful

“Looks for someone, strong, powerful and agile.” he finished, and with a sweep of his cape he turned and left the room. Leaving his followers to scratch their heads and set out. Confusion etched into their features.

Rathios grinned to himself as he took an elevator down to where the Pokemon used to train. Now it was where he kept all of his Pokemon. He stepped down the metallic steps onto the main floor, his cape swishing about his ankles.

“Dustan!” He roared. A boy about 17 walked up to him, annoyance in each step

“Yes, your wonderfulness” he said, sarcasm dripping from his lips.

If anyone else had spoken to Rathios in that manner, they would be bleeding on the floor faster then you could say “Your Fired” But Dustan was special. He was the brain behind all of the gadgets and the machine that created the horrible mutated Pokemon. Though he loved science all of the horrid things were done against his will. He was basically a slave to Rathios. Held imprisoned by a promise to his great grandmother. Now, that seems rather strange. But his grandmother was a wise women. Said to hold a book, a prophecy of some sorts. She said that he needed to stay close to Rathios. No matter what. However, he quit several years ago, the only reason he was still there was because Rathios now held his young sister, Jenny, prisoner.

Basically, Rathios needed Dustan, without him none of this would be possible. No giant evil forms of Pokemon, spawned from hate. No super strengthened Pokemon. No high tech gadgetry.

“Funny” Rathios replied, throwing his cape over his shoulder. “How is Darkblade doing?” he questioned.

Dustan raised a eyebrow at the cape “Going Medieval are we now? She is resting, her wounds are still healing in the Healing Chamber” he said. Jabbing his thumb to a large blue room, with giant glass window. Through it was a massive Dragonite. The giant black one Rathios had ridden before. Its wounds were bad, but not deadly.

“Oh very funny Dustan. Now, make sure our prisoners are comfortable. And in a few minutes bring the Professor to me” He said, turned on his heel and left. Leaving Dustan behind him. Wanting to kill the evil little man.

Dustan shook his head and walked over to the Pokemon Holding chamber. Where the more powerful Pokemon that were taken from the trainers of Dewstrup were kept. He wanted to badly to let them out and go to their trainers. They looked at him with sad eyes. The pale youth flipped a switched and the door popped open, he had a strong urge to let it swing wide and set them free. But instead he stepped inside and shut the door. He tended to their wounds, they didn’t nee to suffer any more. Some of them hissed and tried to back away from him, but he held out his hand gently and let them sniff his hand.

After he fixed up some of the Pokemon he grabbed a set of keys to the basement and headed down the hallway to the lowest level of the gym, twirling the keys on his index finger and whistling a tune.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Green, a world surrounded her. The tree’s swaying and creaking in the gentle breeze, leafs rustling along. A green shadow was cast over her as she stepped calmly through the forest. Twigs snapping under her weight as she crept deeper into the shady grove.

Golden columns of sunlight pierced the canopy of leaves above, twinkling to the ground. Colleen sighed. This had been fun at first. But after walking along in the forest, staring at the tiny screen of her PokeNav, for over an hour. It was wearing at her patience. She heard footsteps coming from behind her. With a swift movement she was on the ground. Belly down in a large bush, staring at the road. She had been staying off the roads, maybe a few feet away, so she wouldn’t be seen. From between the leaves she saw black shoes, and black pants. Lots of them. All the same, she moved her green eyes upwards. Those people were wearing the same thing as the people who attacked Dewstrup had.

Her heart froze.

Are they looking for me? she thought. Her hand unconsciously clutching the stone around her neck. It was warm to the touch.

The group continued on, moving fast along the road. She left out a large sigh of relief and stood back up. She moved a few more feet away from the road. She could barley see it now, but still make out where it was. Soon, according to her PokeNav, she would reach a lake. But instead of going around it, to the right like most people (that was where the road went) and ending up in Ligerens, where Pokemon contests were held, she would go across the lake. To yet another forest. Which rested at the base of a mountain. And from then on her PokeNav gave no details. It was troubling her but there was nothing she could do

After what seemed like hours (but was only 30 minutes) Colleen noticed the sun was falling behind the horizon. Painting the sky a lovely pink color. It about time to find a spot to rest for the night. She sat herself down on a rock and let out one of her Pokemon she had on her hip. In a red flash a Staravia appeared.

“Starr, look for a nearby clearing okay?” she said, the Pokemon called back to her and took off. Colleen watched as the black and red Pokemon circled for a few minutes before landing back at her feet.

“Find anything?” She asked, the Pokemon took off to the right.

“Guess that’s a yes” she said, following Starr to a clearing.

It was by a small stream, with a large oak tree to keep rain off their head if it started to pour.

“Great Job” She said. She reached onto her hip and clicked all the buttons on her poke balls, all 4 of them. In red flash’s Pokemon appeared. A Glaceon, her first Pokemon, named Iris, a Charizard named Soot, a Blastiose Named Izzy, and a Happiny named Joy.

Joy ran up to Colleen and latched onto her leg babbling happily and gurgling with Joy. Happiny had only hatched a week ago. She was still a little baby. Colleen reached down to pick up the little Pokemon and cradle her in her arms.

“Hello Sweetie” she cooed. Reaching into her back pack and taking out a pot and pan, some PokeChow and food bowls.

After she got a good, but small, fire going she heated up the PokeChow and put a good amount for each Pokemon in their bowls. They all started to eat quietly. None of them really knew what was going on. Colleen took out a packet of formula and mixed it with some water from the stream. Setting it to a boil over the fire as she made herself some food. After she and all the other Pokemon had already eaten she started to feed Happiny her formula. Testing it on her arm before setting it gently in the little Pokemon’s mouth. Happiny latched and began suckling happily. Iris looked up at Colleen, her crystal eyes questioning what was going on.

Colleen sighed and patted the Glaceon’s head.

“Don’t look at me like that.” she mumbled, setting Joy back on the ground and cleaning up the mess that had made. She rolled out her sleeping bag under the oak tree, hidden in the shadows. As she lay in her makeshift bed she looked down at Iris who was curled on her legs.

“I don’t even know what is going on.” she muttered, hugging Joy close as her other Pokemon gathered around here. Soot blew out the fire, his tail would keep them warm. And a fire was more noticeable.

Colleen sighed and looked up at the stars.

What am I going to do…
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Last edited by Alana Marie; 10-18-2008 at 05:20 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-24-2008, 11:59 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

awesome chap as usual. the descriptions were amazing and i hope this story stays alive, because it deserves to.
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  #9  
Old 10-25-2008, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

Interesting time to sleep...
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Dali: "I know what the picture should be ... We take a duck and put some dynamite in its derriere. When the duck explodes, I jump and you take the picture."
Halsman: "Don't forget that we are in America. We will be put in prison if we start exploding ducks."
Dali: "You're right. Let's take some cats and splash them with water."
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  #10  
Old 10-25-2008, 01:21 AM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

Good story, but...

You use periods WAY too much where there could be commas. All of those periods disrupt the flow of the story, and some parts don't make any sense. Using a set of periods in one area is okay when you want to get an urgent point across, but you use them where they aren't needed...

Random examples:

"He was angry. Very, very, angry. Angry enough to the point he was liable to slash your head off and chuck it into a furnace, and then stomp on whatever ashes were left...THAT was how angry he truly was." -Repetive, but efficient. Don't use this tactic too much, but use it in areas where you really want to get a sense of dire urgency, or to drive a point across.

Cleaned up sample from Chapter 3:

"Golden columns of sunlight pierced the canopy of leaves above, twinkling to the ground as Colleen sighed. This little adventure had been fun at first, but after walking along in the forest and staring at the tiny screen of her PokeNav for over an hour it had begun to wear down her patience. Stopping, she heard the soft padding of footsteps coming from behind her, and with a swift movement almost too fast for the eye to see, she was belly down on the ground in a large bush, staring at the road. She had been staying off the roads, perhaps no more than a few feet away so she wouldn’t be seen. From between the leaves she saw a multitude of black shoes and black pants. Hesitantly, she allowed her green eyes to creep upwards to examine the figures more closely. Those people were wearing the same thing as the villains who attacked Dewstrup..."

See how that flows better with more description and less breaks?

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  #11  
Old 10-30-2008, 09:46 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

Pretty good! More!
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  #12  
Old 11-05-2008, 01:23 AM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

Hmm.

This is pretty good. Rathios seems genuinely evil, with no SUPER DUPER PLOT-CHANGING BENEVOLENT INTENTIONS burning inside of him. That's a good sign for a villain.

You seem to have a problem with commas. In various places, a period was where a comma should have been. It sort of axes the story's flow, or pace, or whatever you wish to call it. It makes the reader stop and look at something again to recheck it; most readers don't like that all that much, myself included.

Otherwise, this is a fine story; almost as good as me! :D (Then again, TGK is my first fanfic I actually wanted to write for more than a couple of days, so it's still my first too... xD)
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:22 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

Chapte Three: Alliances Formed

Professor Burbin stared coldly ahead, curled into a ball at the back of “dungeon” of Rathios’s new base in Dewstrup gym. In fact the dungeon was just the unused basement of the Gym with a high-tech lock installed onto the door. Burbin shook his head, covered in dirt and grime and rested his forehead upon his knees. Horrible. This was just plain horrible. The trainers of Dewstrup fought valiantly, even in face of certain death. Near the end of the terrible battle their hope had been fading until Zach, the gym leader, appeared. He had been training up at Lake Valor, in their neighboring region. He came out of nowhere and took down one of the giant creatures with one blast of his Mantine’s hydro pump. The battle began to look up, they fought back bravely. But they were only making the other Pokemon faint, while the evil creatures were aiming to kill. They eventually were over taken.

Burbin looked over at Zach, the young fellow looked pale and haunted. He was shaking his head in the opposite corner. The gym leader was devastated. He had let his town down, in his eyes. Though if he hadn’t shown up they would have lost hours earlier. Burbin hobbled over to Zach and sat down next to him.

“You did your best lad, there is nothing any of us could do.” Burbin said, patting his shoulder.

Zach looked up, his eyes red.

“They were killing us, I didn’t have the guts to kill back” he said.

Burbin shook his head sadly.

“I am glad you didn’t kill Pokemon. No matter how evil.” he said “It takes guts and smarts. To fight without killing, especially as you watch your home being destroyed” continued.

Suddenly a column of light flooded the room. Burbin and Zach covered their eyes.

“Professor Burbin?” Dustan said as he entered the room.

The Professor looked up. The boy was rather tall, black hair with bright green eyes. He didn’t look quite so grim or sadistic as all the other workers. Nor was he dressed in the stupid all black outfits that Rathios had them wear. The boy wore jeans and a button up white shirt, Quite the opposite, He also seemed a lot more polite.

“Yes, that is me. What is it?” Burbin questioned, rather annoyed. He was tired of being locked up. And it had only been a few hours.

“Rathios would like to see you.” Dustan replied, opening the door and waiting for the Professor to follow.

“I suppose it isn’t optional?” Burbin asked, Dustan shook his head. The professor stood up, groaning.

“I’m not getting any younger” he moaned and followed Dustan out of the room.

The professor saw that the blue walls of the gym had already been painted black. And the mural of the sea Pokemon Kyogre was painted over, now there was just a black wall with the word Chaos
written on it. Actually it was spelled Choas someone was going to be in trouble for that.

“Choas?” Burbin question smirking.

Dustan looked at the wall, and shook his head.

“Grunt’s cant even spell right” Dustan muttered, he tapped one on the shoulder.

A young fellow about 20 years old, dressed in a Black shirt with a high neck and a strange red symbol in the middle, his pants were plain black, and ended right below his knee. All of the members of Chaos had to have the same hair cut, though they didn’t have to go to the extreme of dyeing it the same color. This boy had red hair, cut right above his ears in a shapely fashion.

“Sir?” the grunt questioned, addressing Dustan, a teenage boy, in as if he were older then him.

“Yes, well you see this.” Dustan said, waving a hand at the mural.

“Yes sir, it is our symbol.” the grunt said.

“What is wrong with it? Look closely now” Dustan said, leaning closer.

The grunt followed suit. “I don’t-..oh.” He said “Chaos is spelled wrong”

Dustan nodded, his shaggy black hair falling in his eyes, he swept it out of his face. “Might want to fix that before Rathios sees. Otherwise you will be food for my beasties” Dustan teased. Most of the grunts were rather afraid of the creatures, so the Grunt, who was known as Mark, though that is unimportant, scurried around the corner and grabbed a female grunt. She was dressed in the traditional Black tank top with the Chaos symbol, then a black mini skirt. Some wore leggings other didn’t, it all deepened on what job they did. Their hair was always no longer then their busts and no shorter then their shoulders. Either tied in a pony tail or let down. Mark, the male grunt, pointed to the wall, the girl’s face went pail and they retreated to the supply closet to find some black and red paint.

Burbin raised a eyebrow. “So you are the one who created those horrid beast. Why you ought to be asha-” Dustan put his hand over his mouth.

“You think I want to work for this mad man?!” he said in a low voice. “No! I don’t, my mind is wasted on this, I want to help Altura not hurt it. And these things I have created, it haunts me. To know the things I created killed innocent Pokemon and humans” he finished, turning on his heel and leading the professor down the hall.

Right before they entered, Dustan put Burbin in front of him, blocking Dustan’s mouth from the camera.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell him where the stone is. If he gets a hold of it I don’t know what we will do” His voice was desperate but his face looked as though he was scolding the professor.

Burbin raised a eyebrow and spoke softly. “What is keeping you here child?”

Dustan sighed. “My sister is being held captave if I left who knows what would happen. I need to know she is safe.” he replied. A idea sparked in the Professor’s brain.

This boy…he had extensive knowledge, he might be of use to help Colleen…maybe..

“You need to leave, you play a key role in this war. I will keep your sister safe. I have a idea of why Rathios wants to see me, besides about the stone, he wants me to help him, work for him. I will accept the offer as he will threaten me. But on the condition that the Pokemon and all prisoner are kept safe. And that I can choose someone to help me. Namely your sister.”

Dustan smiled, but then tried to look angry. “So you promise to keep her safe? I must find the person with the stone.” Dustan said. “To protect it”

Burbin nodded. “Her name is Colleen, she is headed for Haventrin. Leave in a few days, in the night.” The professor whispered so quietly that if Dustan had not learned to read lips he wouldn’t have heard it. He nodded and pushed The Professor through the door.

My Grandmother was right.. Dustan thought as he went to relay the news to his younger sister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

“Hap! Pinny! Ninininiiii!” The high pitched wailing jolted Colleen form her sweet slumber. She sat up, leaning on her elbow, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her icy blue eyes only slits, she turned to Happiny.

“What is it sweetie?” She asked, her sweet dreams clung to her thick lashes, trying to lure her back into their peaceful embrace.

“Pinnnnyyyyy!” Joy jumped on her chest, tears in her eyes. She buried her little pink head in Colleens chest and started to cry.

She turned to Iris, who simply swished her tail and shook her head. Obviously no one had seen what happened. She lifted the small Pokemon off her chest and held her in front of her. She looked her once over and noticed a small bloody patch on the Happiny’s small almost nonexistent knee.

“Did you fall and hurt yourself?” she cooed, Joy nodded, still crying. Colleen reached into her bag and pulled out a potion. “This is going to sting” she said as she sprayed a little on. Happiny wailed louder.

“Shuuuuushh” she said, nuzzling its small pink body. The baby hushed itself, only a small tear caught in the corner of its eye. Happiny smiled and squeaked with glee, freeing herself from her masters hands and running about in circles. Iris, the Glaceon, followed the small baby Pokemon over the to creek. There was no way Joy was being left alone anymore. Iris sat at the edge of the creek, her head resting on her paws as Joy jumped about in the shallower waters of the creek.

“Don’t go too far out Joy” Colleen said as she wrapped up her sleeping bag and set out a meal for the older Pokemon. After eating a sandwich herself, she plucked Joy out of the water and feed her a bottle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few miles away….

“What happened to your Starly grunt?” a senior member of Team Chaos questioned.

Adorned in his full on black outfit and black cape, he bent down to the injured Pokemon.

The grunt, a little shaken, tried to tell his tale without getting smacked in the face.

“W-well sir, a small Pokemon. I think it was a Happiny, can running out of the bushes. Since Happiny is a rare Pokemon I tried to catch it. But I was really strong. After I attacked it, the happiny started crying. It attacked Starly and ran off into the bushes.” when he told the tale. He realized it sounded a lot less manly then when it actually happened.

Arnie, the senior member, stared at the grunt in disbelief.

“Your kidding me right?” he asked. Shaking his head he turned towards where the grunt said the Happiny ran off.

“What move did it use?” he questioned.

“I think it was mirror move, but ten times stronger” the grunt replied, returning his Pokemon back into its ball.

Arnie raised an eyebrow. A young Happiny like that could not learn that move, unless they already have a trainer. His eyes wandered to the bush where Happiny had escaped. He took in the site around him. The babbling of a brook, water was nearby. And what better place to camp but near water?

“Alright, you three” he muttered, indicating 3, rather quite grunts. “Find the brook and follow it north for a mile. Then report back here. If you find anyone take them hostage. Any questions? Go!” the grunts marched off into the foliage.

“You think whoever Burbin sent is back there?” a grunt asked.

Arnie nodded, no one else would brave the forest this time of year. Legendaries were about, and they did not take kindly to unexpected visitors.


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  #14  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:28 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [[Chapter Two Up]]

good chapter, i want moar!!
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  #15  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:40 PM
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Default Re: Chaos: The Rise of Rathios [revive] [Chapter 3 in the house!]

Do I sense an encounter with a Legendary? :O
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