Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 Interactive Boards Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-07-2008, 04:19 AM
Seth Graystone's Avatar
Seth Graystone Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Default SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

This is my newest story, and part of it was inspired by another SSBB Fan-fic.

Chapter One: Escaping Capture

A small yellow mouse ran through a large city, with lights flashing everywhere, from billboards, buildings, even from the floating platform the city was built on. It was on the run from a human boy dressed in a red sweatshirt, blue pants, and a red hat, with brown hair.

"You can't escape forever, Pikachu! Face it, you're either going to be my Pokemon, or a Trophy!" the boy shouted as he chased the Pikachu into an alley, leading to a dead-end.

New Pork City was large, and Pikachu couldn't believe it reached one of the few dead ends in this city.

"Face it Pikachu, you're as good as captured! Charizard, 'persuade' him into joining us!" Red said as he released a large dragonoid creature, with blue wings and a flaming tail.

Pikachu released an electric attack at the Charizard and sent static rippling through the dragonoid's body, causing it to fall to the ground, electricity forcing its body to jerk and shake.

"You're worthless! I thought you were strong, but I guess you're just a salamander!"Red snapped as he returned Charizard into its Poke Ball, when suddenly he brought out a small green creature with a blooming flower on its back, and a small blue turtle.

"Fighting with an unfair advantage won't help you any. Not only will your enemies win, but you will become weaker in the process," explained a voice as a blue dog creature landed in front of Red, Squirtle, and Ivysaur. He stood on all fours, and had red eyes, standing in a karate position.

"Like you're the expert on battling. Now, just shut up and move aside, unless you want to be added to my Pokemon Team," Red threatened as his Pokemon stepped forward, ready for battle, but uncertain about something.

"Pikachu, don't bother wasting energy on this human. I'll defeat him quickly," Lucario said, jumping forward and slamming an Aura-powered Force Palm into the Ivysaur, shooting a sphere of Aura at the Squirtle, knocking the two out before he used Force Palm on Red, knocking him out as Ivysaur and Squirtle automatically went back to their Poke Balls, before Red turned into a Trophy.

"Follow me, Pikachu. I'll take you to somewhere where you can avoid jerks like this," Lucario said as Pikachu climbed onto Lucario's shoulder, while the two Pokemon walked off, leaving the Pokemon Trainer in a Trophy form.

A shadow fell over him as a dark voice started to speak, before a hand of pure dark energy stretched out and stopped one inch away from Red's face.

"I'll release you from that Trophy your stuck in, but you must follow my every order. I know you'll follow my orders, even if you can't respond while trapped, but just to make sure, you will be branded by my mark," the voice said, shooting a kanji for 'Greed' onto Red's neck, releasing Red from the Trophy state, only for him to be sent with the figure to a new area.


Well, that's the end of Episode One. Read and Review please!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-07-2008, 04:44 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

Interesting...Very interesting...I like it so far! Good grammer, you have the talking parts down. I like how you color code it too, very interesting.

One question; you didn't happen to be inspired by Tyrell's "A New Menace" fan fic, did you?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-07-2008, 04:23 PM
Seth Graystone's Avatar
Seth Graystone Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

How could you tell?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-07-2008, 04:30 PM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

I think he could tell because I used color for the voices and the Lucario and Pikachu thing to start off the story.(Dont forget to mention the big text)

lol no wonder you said it was inspired by another SSBB fic
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-07-2008, 06:35 PM
Seth Graystone's Avatar
Seth Graystone Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

I was being sarcastic. Also, this thing is like an AU version of SSBB, so Pikachu has never met Samus Zero Suit, Wario, or any of the new guys until now.

Chapter Two: Meet the Brawlers

Lucario and Pikachu had been going through stages for a few days, and they eventually reached an arena, where many people stood, watching the battle in awe of the fighters.

One of the fighters was a young boy with brown hair, dressed in white robes with angelic wings, wieldig a golden bow in his hands, it looked more like a sword for the moment.

The other was a blue creature in a purple cloak, with a metal mask on his face. A golden jagged sword was wielded in his left hand, and his cloak changed into purple wings.

As the two clashed swords, the fairy, Pit, was slammed into crate, which released a small rainbow colored sphere, which seemed to glow even after Pit activated it.

"Goddess Palutena! I beseech you!" he called out as a large goddess in white robes appeared. She struck the air with a large spear, and many small gnomes with wings and golden helmets appeared, shooting arrows at Meta Knight, before they each fell to the ground.

The arrows mostly missed Meta Knight, as he turned his wings back into a cloak and teleported behind Pit, slashing Pit's wings, causing Pit to plummet to the ground, where Meta Knight pinned him.

"You lose, Pit," Meta Knight said as he spun in a tornado and blasted Pit out of it, turning the fairy into a Trophy.

"Typical Meta Knight for you. Defeats somebody and forgets to change them back," Lucario sighed as he stepped forward and revived Pit from his Trophy form.

"Thanks Lucario," Pit said, getting up from the ground and looking at where Meta Knight used to be, before the knight dsiappeared with his Dimensional Cape.

"Pikachu, this is Pit, the leader of Palutena the Goddess's army of Centurions. He and I are two of the newest Brawlers here. There should be more Newcomers here, but you'll meet them later,"Lucario exaplined to the Electric Mouse.

A large battleship flew over the arena, with a similiar shape to Meta Knight's helmet, and Meta Knight stood on the edge of it, a weird kanji glowing from his forehead.

"Men, obliterate them!" Meta Knight ordered as he whipped out his sword, Galaxia, and aimed it down at the Brawlers in the arena.

"Well, thre's no better time to learn who you're allies are than in the middle of a fight!" Lucario said as the Brawlers around them got ready to fight, while spectators in the arena ran away.

Link and Mario stood at the railings of a balcony, where Princess Peach and Princess Zelda stood.

"Princesses, go find cover. Mario and I will take these guys on," Link said as soldiers dropped from Battleship Halberd, each with similiar helmets to Meta Knight, but bulky armor, and the same dark kanji on their arms.

The two Princesses ran inside of a small room, where ambassadors or royalty from different stages met and rested between fights.

"Zelda, why do you think Meta Knight would betray the Brawlers?" Peach asked as the Meta Knights stormed through the Arena.

"I don't know, but stay here. I'm going to help Link and the others," Zelda said as she rose her right hand at the same elevation as her eye and crossed her left arm sideways in front of it, causing her Triforce to glow as her appearence changed. Her Princess Robes changed to tht of a white and blue ninja outfit, with white cloths wrapped around her face.

Sheik ran outside and jumped off of the balcony, landing in a crowd of Meta Knights, most of which were crowding around a small, pink puffball, Kirby. Kirby opened his mouth and absorbed one of the Meta Knights, swallowing them and changing shape. He had on Meta Knight's mask now and wielded a Galaxia Saber.

Kirby chopped and kicked the Meta Knights to the ground, while Sheik threw needles at them, paralyzing them and hiting their nervous system.

Mario pounded the Meta Knights a Fire Punch, while Link shot his Hookshot into one's shoulder and tossed it around, slamming it into the other Meta Knights.

Lucario shot Aura Balls at the Meta Knights, but everytime they fell, they got right back up and fought twice as hard. Pikachu electrocuted them, but even the two Pokemon were defeated easily by the Meta Knghts.

Suddenly, arrows shot down and destroyed the Meta Knights. All of theBrawlers looked up and saw Pit, as well as a myriad of Centurions, shooting arrows down at the Meta Knights, destroying them, before Palutena disappeared, and the Centurions died, falling and littering the stadium floor.

"Kirby, I know you've had experience fighting Meta Knight, so come with me! The rest of you, protect the arena. We'll be back soon," Pit said as he and the currently winged Kirby flew upwards toward the Battleship Halberd, where the two Brawlers' enemy waited.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-07-2008, 06:49 PM
Hoshika's Avatar
Hoshika Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: '»\(ಠ_ಠ)/»'
Posts: 6,618
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

Big font and light colors make it hard to read, and it's not very... interesting. The character portrayals are also inaccurate. Pit's bow-thing doesn't resemble a sword as much as it does a bow, and Meta Knight holds his sword in his right hand. Lucario can't stand on all fours and be in a stance at the same time.

There isn't a lot of detail put in, either, and the details already there disrupt the flow of the story.

How did Link and Mario suddenly appear? Please describe the spectators while describing the setting, or else everything will seem to fly in out of a rift in space or something.

Pit isn't a fairy, and if you want to say what he appears to be, he's more of an angel.

Aura Spheres, not Balls.

And to be honest, nothing makes sense...
__________________
Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ridley View Post
I suffer from some desease where I just don't feel like catching a pokemon unless it's rare, which ends in me never catching com mons.

I finished Gold with a pokedex of 6.

Oak's Rating: "Congratulations! Looks like you've learned how to use a pokeball!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charbok View Post

Haagen-Daz is an ice cream company, dumbass.

Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-07-2008, 07:13 PM
Seth Graystone's Avatar
Seth Graystone Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

OK, Pit's bow is two swords put together, I never said Lucario was on all fours, there isn't much difference between a fairy and an angel, and no offense, but I'm writing my story the way I want it. If you don't like it, then I'll tell you what I tell dozens of people; don't read it.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-07-2008, 07:31 PM
Hoshika's Avatar
Hoshika Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: '»\(ಠ_ಠ)/»'
Posts: 6,618
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth Graystone View Post
OK, Pit's bow is two swords put together, I never said Lucario was on all fours, there isn't much difference between a fairy and an angel, and no offense, but I'm writing my story the way I want it. If you don't like it, then I'll tell you what I tell dozens of people; don't read it.
"He stood on all fours, and had red eyes, standing in a karate position."

:|
__________________
Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ridley View Post
I suffer from some desease where I just don't feel like catching a pokemon unless it's rare, which ends in me never catching com mons.

I finished Gold with a pokedex of 6.

Oak's Rating: "Congratulations! Looks like you've learned how to use a pokeball!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charbok View Post

Haagen-Daz is an ice cream company, dumbass.

Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-07-2008, 07:35 PM
Seth Graystone's Avatar
Seth Graystone Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

That was a typo. I meant that he stood on his hind legs.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-07-2008, 08:32 PM
Bryce's Avatar
Bryce Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 4)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: :sexface:
Posts: 4,427
Send a message via AIM to Bryce
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth Graystone View Post
OK, Pit's bow is two swords put together, I never said Lucario was on all fours, there isn't much difference between a fairy and an angel, and no offense, but I'm writing my story the way I want it. If you don't like it, then I'll tell you what I tell dozens of people; don't read it.
Um. Pardon me, but:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth Graystone View Post

Well, that's the end of Episode One. Read and Review please!
... Hoshika was simply reviewing your story. Do not ask for comments and critiques if you are just going to go on the defensive and lash out against people who give you their opinion. She gave you plenty of good advice; yes, perhaps she could have been a little less negative, but all the same, she was reviewing it.

But yes, I think that you could include more details about each scene as well, especially the battle sequences. The protagonists and enemies both need to have descriptions in order for us to envision them the way that you intended. Some of us may not have ever seen the characters before, and thus we would need you to tell us about them so that we are not imagining crazy, inaccurate people and creatures that have no relation to them.

Don't stop writing; just try to see how you can put the things that readers point out to good use. You'll never get better if you stay adamant and refuse to take their critiques to heart.
__________________
:D

BRYCExKAT
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 09-07-2008, 08:46 PM
Giratina's Avatar
Giratina Offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Never-Turn-Back, pestering Zero
Posts: 2,673
Default Re: SSBB: Sins of the Stages(Please Read and Review!)

Tsk, tsk, Red! Your Pokemon will never be stronger if you treat them like that!

But anyway. The large font and different colors for each character make it hard to read.
and what if, later on in the story, a character gives some vital information and you spoil it early by accidentally looking at the bright font?

And, yes. Try to put more meat into your battles. Describe the Aura being shot from Lucario's paws, the golden glint of Meta Knight's sword, the ferocity of Charizard, and them actually fighting. Describe the approach, aftershock, and the attack themselves in more detail. Add the thoughts of what are going on inside each character's mind. Treat your fanfiction like the script of a well-written TV show or anime. Tell the feelings of pain each character withstands, the evil glint when somebody is about to let out a Final Smash...you know what I mean.

Along with making the pages at least three MS Word pages long on 14-point text and writing ahead, it will make this a more interesting Brawl of a fanfic. (bad pun! Yay!)

My advice: Lay it down, and then go through it, adding more detail as you go along. How the heck does some random blue wolf shoot Aura from it's paws? Why does Kirby turn into MKirby when he sucks up one of the Meta Knight clones? Some people son't know exactly what Lucario, Pit, or - Arceus forbid - Mario looks like. Who wants to watch a bunch of blobs fighting each other on TV? Not too many people, that's for sure.

It's a good start, but try reading some other fanfictions too, to get the feel and flow of how one should be while you're reading it. (Like mine! *brick'd*)
__________________

"Wigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle."
~ World famous singing sensation, Stefan Gordy.

(For the longest time I was telling myself that I would come back to PE2K once I had something artsy and cool to contribute... but that's too much effort. GIRA IS BACK!)

(vpp da)

Last edited by Giratina; 09-07-2008 at 08:52 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:09 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com