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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 09-06-2008, 10:34 AM
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Default [PG-13]Endless Change

Alright, everyone this will be the first part of a three part series, so hopefully this prologue and the rest of the chapters to come will keep you interested. Most of this story is related to my life, but then again, some of it is in my own story-making world. So, bear with the talk in the prologue. It will start in first-person once the first chapter is out. Also, I hope that this story will be able to connect with the lot of you on this forum. Basically, I'm hoping that it's inspiration.

Also, many thanks to the countless crimes shows I've seen that have inspired me to write this, and the support from my friends and teachers to share such a story with others. Just to let you know, my name is Johrdan Turner, and never forget that. :P

Remember, a lot of the stuff in this story is inspired by real life experiences and probably all of the names come from my friends. Again, bear with the prologue please and I'll continue to release chapters when I can.

Many thanks to you all, and I hope you enjoy the beginning of "Endless Change."

Thank you very much.
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2008, 10:37 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

Endless Change


Prologue
A Dreadful Burden


I was unlucky. At first I thought it was fluke, but it started to follow me all over the place. What was “it” exactly? Well, “it” was the unlucky happenings that always happened to modify itself to my new environments and communities. I couldn’t help it. It was like a divine punishment, or something only the father above could set upon me. That was it though. Why me? Why was I always the one that was dealing with these constant occurrences? I was a mere teen, so how was I supposed to know the correct answer to that. I didn’t, and truthfully, that’s what frustrated me. Not being able to know the answer…

And the humorous part of it is that I did nothing wrong, or at least I thought I did nothing wrong. I mean…come on. Everyone has their bad days and what more is there to say about it. I’m no different from those people. I, of course, had my bad days too. It may not have been too severe when compared to certain people I’ve known, but they were troubling enough. I know they were.

Let me tell you one of my bad days. It was your typical Saturday evening and it was quite humid outside. The autumn leaves changed in color as they transitioned from the season that was prior to autumn: summer. All the teens were outside with there bikes, scooters, skateboards, rollerblades, and well…you get the picture. However, they weren’t just going to hang out like they did every other night. No. This night was a special night; specifically unique from others nights. Yeah, it was that day. The one that brought the most hype during autumn: Halloween.

Everyone was going to go to Chareen’s Halloween party. None refused to go, and if you said you weren’t, you were a loser. That’s what the teen population in the city would classify you as. Why? Well, Chareen was the most popular girl in the city of Seran. She was beautiful, intelligent, and had so many friends. Every guy wanted to be with her, even me. So, I prepared my costume, which was an awesome looking reaper, and dressed myself. Strangely enough, I was invited.

Upon arrival at her party, many different people from the local high school recognized me, just as I had recognized them. However, it was easiest to recognize Chareen. She was the one dressed as an Egyptian; a beautifully designed costume with intricate makeup and such. I couldn’t resist getting a quick glimpse in, but there was something else taking my attention. Yeah, I know. You’re probably wondering what could be more attractive than this Chareen girl, am I correct? Well, guess what? There wasn’t anything more attractive than Chareen. Instead, it was the television set. However, it wasn’t the television set that appealed to me the most. No. It was what was being broadcasted on the TV set.

The news.

More specifically, a crime had been committed. It was a jewel theft, and the item that was stolen was the Scarlet Forge. It was the most expensive piece of jewelry the city Seran had to offer, and whatever crook believed they could take it and get away, was fairly stupid. Justice would come to them and they would be sent off for years in prison.

Anyway, to conclude my “bad” day, Chareen and a couple others had turned the TV set off. Yes, that made my day bad. Was there a problem with me watching the news? Apparently so. They said that the party was the main focus and that I was invited because I know how to have fun. Hmph. Go figure.

Okay. That may not have seemed as bad as most of you pictured it, but that is the type of thing that would make a day go…wrong for me. Why? Well, I was a detective; a teen detective, and probably the best damn one in this city. Others knew that about me, and I think that they just wanted to torment me. Since I’ve solved countless cases in this city, many knew me and they called me “popular”. But I didn’t care about that. I just cared that everything ran right; that we could all be safe and have fun. However, that just couldn’t be.

All this time, I thought that I was making a difference for this city; catching criminals, solving countless crimes, and earning an unforgettable rep. I thought people would begin to fear me. Sadly, I was mistaken. There was someone bigger. Someone bigger than the law and justice. Someone bigger than me. Someone who feared nothing. Someone who beat my friend down.

159 KIX.

They called themselves a crew. However, I doubted that. Crews didn’t evolve from high schools to community centers, from community centers to giant festivities, and definitely from giant festivities to a city problem. They were inhumane. They beat down the people they consider “losers” just because they thought they were better than everyone else. They believed that they now ruled the city just because no of them have been caught and everyone feared them. And finally, they thought they were the greatest because they knew how to use weaponry; to rob liquor stores, do drive-bys, and “beat down” the lesser known people. They did it. They’re the ones who ruined the life of my best friend. He bled internally and was barely able to be rescued by the hospital, his third degree burns had totally rearranged his face, and lastly, he couldn’t walk any more because they paralyzed him from the waist down. However, they couldn’t be caught and sent away because there was no proof. So no, they weren’t a “crew”. They were something far worst. They were and organization of criminals whose minds were set out to ruin others’ lives.

That was a burden that I had to carry on my shoulders, but I was unlucky. I had made my reputation known to the city for my detective skills. I feared that they would soon catch on to me, and with haste, I packed my things and fled, along with my friend. Yes, you thought right. What you’re reading is not about me, but about someone else. Someone that can play 159 KIX’s little game. A teen that that wishes to be a detective but still enjoys his life. Yes, someone that the organization of miscreants would grow to develop a concern about. Although I’m telling this story from a different country, I’m safe now. It’s all over. But I’m not going to share with you how it ends. I’m instead going to introduce the young teen detective that will be telling his own story. The one that moved to Seran and discovered 159 KIX on an accident. This is his story, and for now, I must go. However, I can tell you this young man’s name. His name is…

Johrdan Turner…

And it just so happens that 159 KIX is the one that ends up carrying that dreadful burden, because frankly, Johrdan was their Silver Bullet. The one who had the potential of stopping them.

Now, without further ado, I will shut my mouth and let this young man take over. Here is the ever so grand, epic story of Johrdan…Turner.
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Last edited by SuperBoy; 09-06-2008 at 10:46 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-06-2008, 11:18 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

It has potential, I'll give you that.

The only problem I see is that your flow of words seems a bit...staggered. There are parts where your words flow flawlessly, but others where I had to re-read the sentence to get back into the theme of the Prologue. I'll give you an example so that maybe you can see what I'm saying. Maybe I'm nitpicking, I don't know, but I want to help. xP

Quote:
Let me tell you one of my bad days. It was your typical Saturday evening and it was quite humid outside. The autumn leaves changed in color as they transitioned from the season that was prior to autumn: summer. All the teens were outside with there bikes, scooters, skateboards, rollerblades, and well…you get the picture. However, they weren’t just going to hang out like they did every other night. No. This night was a special night; specifically unique from others nights. Yeah, it was that day. The one that brought the most hype during autumn: Halloween.
First off, the first sentence itself is a bit clashing. Perhaps instead of saying what you said, something like "How about that time when..." and continue.

Your description in this paragraph seems forced. The description during the rest of the Prologue is pretty good considering what you're trying to do, but over here it's...well a lot all at one shot, and not necessarily needed. Also, some words could be changed to make the flow a bit smoother. "Specifically" could be changed to "Especially", as specifically clashes with special. Just an example.

Beyond that, I can't say much. I wasn't too sure why the whole Hallowe'en thing was described, but I suppose it was a transition.

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Old 09-07-2008, 03:09 AM
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Arrow Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

Quote:
Well, I was a detective; a teen detective, and probably the best damn one in this city. Others knew that about me, and I think that they just wanted to torment me.
This line, seemed vaguely familiar to me. I've read many books where there is a teen detective, who is famous and a hero to the city, most notably, Nancy Drew. Your friend being attacked by the "villians" of your story also reminded of a book I read, about a teen detective who was after this group of people who committed a crime, and blamed his friend, thus, destroying his reputation, and forever scarring him from the brutal beat downs he got from people that were protecting the suspects' identities.

As I told you before, I don't really grade people's Fan Fictions, so this is just from my first read-through of your story. Besides the above, there was nothing that caught my attention besides what Deathspector mentioned. Everything else is good to; however, I will alert you of any minor detail I find, whether it be a spelling/grammar error, or punctuation.

~Have A Good Day
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  #5  
Old 09-07-2008, 09:26 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

Thank you so much, DS and Celebihunter for helping me out. I'll definitely be taking your advice into thought to improve the future chapters. And I hope that I can reel the both of you in as dedicated readers.

Now without further ado, here's chapter one!
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  #6  
Old 09-07-2008, 09:32 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

Chapter 1
The Grand Beginning

Research. It was the mindset of these ordinary, lowlife scientists. They didn’t truly care about the specimen that they’d so foolishly gathered data on. I don’t even think they knew had knowledge about what they were researching. They were just greedy. Information was all they wanted; something that could aid there own kind in the future. They wanted to know more about us. I called it being extremely nosey. They were too curious, and if I had the chance to fight back against these useless cowards, I would most definitely take it. Luckily for me, now was the time.

My thoughts were finally coming together. I was suddenly able to recollect everything that had happened to me a few months prior to this day, and to top it all off, none of it was anything that I could smile at or be proud of. None of it. The weak scientists thought they have everything under control, but sadly, they were mistaken. Deeply mistaken.

I had to admit though; they did one hell of a job in capturing someone as treacherous as me. They virtually risked their lives when attempting to confine me, and somehow, they succeeded. However, their calculations weren’t…correct. In this crazy experiment of theirs, I wasn’t supposed to regain my consciousness anytime soon. They wanted to genetically modify me into a “regular” human being. Sadly, I had recollected my thoughts sooner than expected, and that was their fatal mistake.

Slowly, I lifted my pale eyelids, steadily regaining consciousness in addition to my view of things. The world outside of my test tube was rather…blurry, but I could still make out the outlines of the human-like figures that stood before me. Faint voices echoed throughout my brain, and I could only put together some of the words that were being spoken.

Inhumane…perilous…gifted.

I couldn’t put the words together in a sentence, but whatever they were speaking of didn’t benefit me in anyway. Maybe they were explaining how I couldn’t be changed. How I couldn’t be modified into the type of person they wanted me to be. I was the leader of 159 KIX; the Painless Devil…

That title was given to me by them: the foolish scientists that dared to change me into somebody I was not. I absolutely felt no pain, and for some reason, that made me an interesting subject for the scientists. However, no one could change my fate. No one.

I needed to find a way to break out of this containment tube. I was simply too weak at the moment to break through the casing due to me just regaining consciousness, but I still needed a way. What would 159 KIX do without me? I was there leader, but I knew there was one person that was desperately searching for me. She knew I wasn’t dead, but she wasn’t too sure if I was…okay, either. Until she came to rescue me, I would have to at least make an attempt at escaping. Slowly beginning to move my lips, I began to speak.

“Unwise men…ones born in the age of perplexity and theoretical conflict. It was a slip-up to bring me here.” I slowly mumbled, making every effort for my voice to be heard by the miscreants that stood facing me.

“So knowledgeable, yet you wish to misuse it on your aberrant group of yours. What was it? 159 KIX?” The scientist in the front sighed, being sarcastic with every word that came out of his wicked mouth.

“Precisely. I’m surprised that one of you was actually smart enough to remember such a name? Aren’t you special?” I retorted, irritated at the fact that he thought he was so high and almighty. But in realism, or my world, he wasn’t. I owned this world. Every part of it.

“Indeed I am.” The main scientist replied, now with several other scientists chuckling in the background. “I just caught myself an intelligent criminal. Usually, they’re just stupid, but you…no, you’re different. You can think analytically and above natural standards. Also, you can’t feel pain. Who else can get a better deal then I have?”

Now he was mocking me. I didn’t feel the need to converse with him any more, but instead, attempt to shatter the inside of this glass cylinder. Now was the time for my escape.

“I can.” Suddenly, a feminine voice echoed throughout the lab, specifically behind the miniscule group of scientists.

Kerry. 159 KIX’s top agent of deception and trickery. If I was correct, and if I knew her well, she had been in hiding in disguise for at least a week. That’s usually how long it took for her to get accustomed to things, but today was the day when she had to reveal herself. She was going to break me out, and I was going to have to thank her afterwards. This was an act of sarcasm and humor through her point of view. To me, it just made me irritated.

The scientists were stuck, or to be more technical, they were in checkmate. Their childish game was over and truthfully, all of them deserved to perish along with the lab facility. The main scientist, or the sarcastic one, turned back only to see Kerry’s pistol in pointed in his direction. The expression on his face made me chuckle, but only slightly.

“Ah, an undercover partner. I can’t say that I wasn’t expecting them to come and look for you, but already and under my own nose. How much more naïve could I have been?” He said, slowly getting to his knees and withdrawing his hands behind his back.

“I’m not shooting you, idiot. I’m releasing him; the foundation of our life source. Our loyal leader, Pain.” Kerry sighed; quickly pressing the trigger afterward and watching the bullet shatter the containment tube I was in.

Suddenly, all of the orange colored liquid slowly oozed out from beneath my feet, as I ripped the wires and metallic claws from off my shoulders and the rest of my body. It was time for our escape, and along with it, these people would die. That was everyone’s fate who dared to cross me.

I was 159 KIX. I couldn’t be stop. Not by God, not by anyone.

I was invincible.


~~~~~~


Sixth period, World History. It was quite something. For one, our teacher was an elderly woman with a petite voice that couldn’t really echo around the classroom. So to solve her problem, she used an…onyx black speaker box. While it enhance her tone volume, it got quite annoying after a short while after seeing her walk around with the matching earpiece everyday. It was aggravating, but that had nothing to do with the class. So, I just had to let that slide.

This was class was different however. It was full of intelligent people all around who were really dedicated to learning; more or so, their education. They wanted to get something out of this class, and really, that’s why I believed that they selected Honors World History. It was the preparatory class for AP US History and I’m glad that I took it because I was given the opportunity to learn with such elite students. Not only that, but I was in the class with one of my best friends, and most trusted ones at that.

Antoinette Pao.

She was one of the coolest people all around and I was lucky to move out here and have here as one of my first friends. I, Johrdan Turner, was one of her closest friends, or at least I hoped I was. We had so many things in common, especially when it came to dancing. We both adored dancing at a high level and no one could take our excitement for it away from us. We clung on to it and that’s just the way it would continue to be.

Now, she knew I was intelligent, and I knew she was also. However, I tended to show it off, and when I said show it off, I meant to a far extent. I was a teen detective and probably the only one in this school. Whenever Antoinette and I would hang out, for some reason there would always be a certain case going on. They would range from robberies to fights to bomb threats. I actually had to stop a bomb threat here at our school, and man, was that a run for my money.

Lately though, things have seemed unusual around the school campus. Not just here, but in the city. Crime rates were skyrocketing and I was becoming less and less active in solving these crimes. Only keeping the secret of me being a teen detective just with was hard enough. I couldn’t let my identity be known, because if it was, all of the criminals I had sent to jail would have their contacts come out and get me. That, I couldn’t handle. However, any challenge that came my way, I would attempt to take on. I was daring in that sense.

We hadn’t done much in class today besides making small chatter and finishing up some notes. That wasn’t too difficult, and I actually enjoyed reading those World History books this time.

However, little did Antoinette and I know, that there was something out there. Something that would take us on a long journey for years to come. And we wouldn’t find out until that time…

After school...
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  #7  
Old 09-07-2008, 03:53 PM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

So far, so good, ColdBoy. Keep up the good work.
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13]Endless Change

I really like this FF, I'll definately keep reading!!

Keep it up!
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