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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 08-06-2008, 09:59 AM
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Dark Lightning Offline
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Default Moonlight Echoes [Story Deal]

This is not for the summer story competition. If you wish to see my entry, click here.
Well, it's finished, and I would now appreciate a grade. ^_^
Without further ado, I present;


Writing for: Gastly
Required amount of characters: 20-30k
Characters without spaces: 21,019
Characters with spaces: 25,589
Note: There are no American spellings in this story, e.g. Candy = Sweets, Mom = Mum.
Inauspicious Beginnings

The figures appeared out of nowhere, literally. A fist came in contact to my sensitive face, causing me to collapse onto the grass.


I could hear my Pokémon’s cries in the darkness…



I opened my weak eyes, though at first they were reluctant to. I started to rub them, endeavouring to remove the sleep dust from them. The sound of rain and thunder rang in my ears, and I noticed that there was a window right beside me. I was in a bed – It must be the Pokémon Centre.

Before today, I could have sworn I was ambushed by thugs. Criminals, people who attack the weak. They took my only Pokémon – My Buneary, my poor Buneary. My Buneary had the brownest, fluffiest ears a Buneary could have. She was covered in the fluffiest of fur, and her pink, cute eyes were heart-warming to me. My name is Jack Diamond, and before now I was a Pokémon Trainer, hometown Twinleaf. This must have been the Sandgem Town Pokémon Centre – I knew that they didn’t just heal Pokémon, but also their Trainers, if necessary. My hair was always messy, sticking up in places, and was a dark black colour. I usually wore my favourite clothes – my bright red t-shirt, and my blue jacket, in the pockets of which my Poké Balls were stored. My eyes were a bright green, almost a mixture of blue and green, and my trousers were usually black in colour to match the style of my hair.

Not long ago, Buneary and I were dashing through a field on the way to Sandgem Town. The grass was damp and absorbed the cascading droplets of water released from the dark clouds above. We were rushing to get to Sandgem Town as thunder rolled in. Two men appeared from nowhere, dressed in a black hood and sinister-looking black trousers. I yelled out almost immediately, reacting to their appearance in shock. The bigger one snatched Buneary in his arms, and the second one threw his fist into my face. It felt rock-hard, and I heard Buneary scream as my knees bent. My spine failed to hold me up straight, and before I knew it I had collapsed onto the hard ground.

Suddenly, the wooden door over in the corner opened, leading light into the room. A nurse walked inside, dressed in white nurse uniform. She had bright, pink hair which was tied into a ponytail. She grinned at me, her white teeth gleaming.

“Are you okay now, young man?” Her soft voice was so soothing.

“Y-Yes…” I croaked back.

“Your things are downstairs. Your backpack is slightly damaged, but we’ve done our best to repair it.”

“Wait,” I questioned slowly, still croaking in a dry voice, “You s-said we?”

“Of course,” She replied gently, “There’s me, Happiny, Chansey and Blissey. This is a small Pokémon Centre made mostly out of hard wood. It usually gets cold in here, so you may see fireplaces during your stay. They’ll keep you toasty warm! Now, you can set off whenever you want. Take care!”

And with that, she left the room.

My head was still spinning – I can’t believe…I was ambushed just after I had gotten my starter Pokémon, Buneary. I hoped she was vigorous.

In ten minutes, I had left my room and walked down the wooden stairs and into reception. To my left, the nurse stood behind a green counter, smiling as I came down. To my right was a long, brown couch, and behind that there were some more. To my far right, a corridor was split into four different rooms. The walls were made of wood, which I could live with. Outside it was still very dark, and it was dark when I was ambushed. The thunder raged outside, clashing with the clouds, creating a variety of large and small lightning bolts that struck high trees and occasionally, the ground. It looked gloomy and wet outside, in other words.

I was exhausted still. My mind was having a hard time catching up with my body. As I walked over to the brown, soft couch, many questions raced through my mind – How was I going to continue my journey? Where was Buneary? What was I going to do next…?

The sun escaped from the dark sky prison, engulfing the land in its warm, solar rays the next day. I stayed inside the Pokémon Centre for the whole day – I was still too injured and crushed to even bother to go back to Twinleaf Town. The Police Station was located in the woods right to the south of Twinleaf, except I wasn’t allowed to go down into the woods without a Pokémon. I was going to have to borrow a Pokémon, and my nurse happily obliged. Happiny had a thing for me too, and I could tell she was desperate to travel with me to the police station. There, they could start an investigation about my Buneary.

It was quite early in the morning, but less vicious Pokémon came out of their dens in the woods at this time. I had a long rest yesterday, so I was refreshed to head out today. As soon as I walked out of the Pokémon Centre’s transparent doors, the sun stroked my face. I breathed in the fresh smell of wildlife and that sunny smell in the morning – Many bushes lead into different routes, and I grinned at Happiny, who walked by my leg and grinned at me as we strode off down the path. In no time at all, the path lead up to the large, lush green field. The grass was finally getting its share of bright sunlight.

We weren’t here for sightseeing, though. As we walked across the field, the sun became lighter due to the solar rays now free of the towering tree’s branches. Happiny was a slower walker than me, and sometimes tripped over. I was usually there to help her up again, and she was very cheerful throughout the way.

We were back in Twinleaf Town now. There were only four houses in the diminutive town, all of their roofs painted a bright blue colour. I could hear many Pokémon yawning and awakening, and cries of Wingull, Gligar, and others.

Right behind all of the houses which were aliened in two was the entrance to the Twinleaf Woods. It wouldn’t take long to get through there, and I had Happiny beside me, just in case.

“OK, we’d best be going, then,” Said I, desperate to report the thieving of my precious Buneary.

By noon, we had already found the police station. It was the hottest time of the day, the sun releasing every bit of sunlight it couldn’t from the past two days. Happiny cheered me up when I thought of Buneary, making funny faces at me. Whenever I was around Happiny, I was happy. We walked into the police station; the medium-sized building was bright blue in colour. The wallpaper of the reception was a bright green, as was the floor. In the left corner was a corridor leading into different prison cells and other rooms.

We walked over to a man behind a brown counter, dressed in a black police suit, wearing a hat which indicated to the civilians that he was not to be messed with. He was busy writing down notes on bits of paper, and did not raise his head to look at me until I cleared my throat.

“What is it?” He murmured.

“I’d like to report a robbery, sir,” I told him; “I was robbed a few days ago by two criminals who stole my only Pokémon, Buneary.”

The policeman stood up, paying full attention to me.

“You were robbed?” He squeaked, his bushy moustache covering up a lot of his face, his yellow and blue eyes examining me, “By criminals who stole your Buneary?”

“Yes, that’s true,” I replied. Happiny grinned, jumping up and down.

The policeman paused for a moment as in deep thought.

“I see,” He stroked his chin, “Did you see what the criminals looked like?”

“They knocked me out before long. The two were both dressed in black hoods and trousers, and knocked me out badly.”

“…You know, that doesn’t help us much,” The police officer exclaimed, “But we’ll try to find out who stole your Buneary.”

I was delighted to hear these words.

“Oh, thank you, thank you! I need Buneary back…She was my starter Pokémon.”

The policeman waved to me as Happiny and I walked pleasantly out of the station. It was good to know my Buneary was going to be searched for, and I was grateful for their search.

Before we were in Twinleaf, I heard a peculiar noise. I stood dead still, wondering what the sound was. It sounded like hooves thumping on the ground hard, and it got louder, and louder, and louder. I looked to my right to see a few feet away from me a large herd of Stantler charging my way. They were like normal deer, except their horns were like illusions and pink dots acted like eyes near the edge of their horns. They were crying their names in angry tones as they approached me, coming closer and closer, gaining momentum as they did so.

“Eeep! What are they?” I yelled, but nobody heard me. Happiny was already running away into the bushes. Before I could react…




“Happiny, Happiny, Happiny, Happiny!”

Something was calling out to me. What was it? I’d heard that same voice before somewhere…

My eyes shot right open, and I distinguished that Happiny had awoken me from unconsciousness. It seemed pleased I was awake, dancing around when I did.

“Ow…What were those things? I-I’m sure they were…Stantler, weren’t they? Why did they randomly attack me?” I questioned my Pokémon. It obviously didn’t know.

“I’m not sure what we should do now, Happiny.”

In the end I decided to go back to the Pokémon Centre. The nurse said I could borrow Happiny for as long as I liked, and I was happy to. My Buneary was stolen, so I couldn’t really go anywhere without a Pokémon. Happiny and I came to like each other, as well.

A thought came to me in the Pokémon Centre – I hadn’t seen my mother for a while, at least since I left to start my Pokémon journey. Perhaps I should visit her – And tell her about my unluckiness recently. Mother was always at home in Twinleaf Town. She had a Mime Jr. to assist her in cleaning up, which Mime Jr. happily obliged. The walk to my house was merely ten minutes away – My mother lived in the only pink house of Twinleaf, with a brown roof situated on top of it, so it was very easy to spot.

“Let’s go to my house then, Happiny. You’ll like it there!”

“Happo-ni! Happo-ni!”

Every time we walked across the large field in the interior of the route to Sandgem from Twinleaf Town, vile memories tormented me. If only I had not reacted so quickly as to startle the criminals, then I might have been able to flee the scene with my Pokémon successfully, and report them when the opportunity arose. Oh, Buneary…I hoped she was well.

As we continued along the path that twisted in several directions, alongside us bushes bristling in the cold wind, huge, grey clouds engulfed the sky, releasing droplets of shimmering rain. Happiny jumped into my rucksack as I shielded myself from the rain with my arms. Mud splashed everywhere as I sped through them, endeavouring to flee the appalling weather. We were almost there…

A small, green hill lead down into the diminutive town. It was so small in fact, that there were only four houses. They were all painted a bright blue colour with red roofs, all except my house, which was, of course, a gleaming pink. I rushed to the pink door of my house, continuously knocking until my mother opened the door.

My mother had let me inside, and as soon as I was under the roof I sighed. It still looked like the normal house, the normal way it was.

The wallpaper was a bright pink also, and to the left was a large couch with a small table in front of it. Forward ahead were two rooms next to each other. The room to the left lead into the kitchen, and the room to the right lead to the stairway, which was used to get upstairs and into the bedrooms. Between the two white doors was a bigger, blue table, with green chairs situated around it. My mother and I took a seat; I took the one my mother asked me to, which was the closest one to the edge. She took the one next to me.

My mother was always smiling, and didn’t really speak much, unless asked to. She had bright red hair, and was currently wearing a white apron with pink flowers on it. Her jeans were a light blue, and she spoke in a soft, happy voice. Her ears and nose were pink and she had the cutest of smiles.

“I noticed you haven’t come in with your Buneary. Ha-ha, you promised me you weren’t going to shove it into a Poké Ball.”

“Oh, yeah…” I sulked, “About Buneary…While I was walking to Sandgem Town…I was robbed…”

My mother was holding a glass of water in her hand tightly, and when she heard the news it slipped out of her weak fingers and shattered onto the ground, sending sharp shards of glass everywhere across the floor.

“You…Were robbed?” She gasped, barely being able to utter the words, “Good heavens! Are you alright?”

“Yes,” I replied in a sad tone, “And they took Buneary away from me.”

“Oh, my! What did you do then?”

“Mother, they knocked me out cold before I could do anything. I woke up in the Pokémon Centre.”

She hesitated for a moment and then replied.

“Well, it’s good that the Pokémon Centre treated you well.”

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Honey,” she changed her tone to happy all of a sudden, “Would you help me out and buy a Potion from Sandgem Town’s Poké Mart, please?”

I agreed to go and buy a potion for her, but going through the field bought back too many emotional memories. Happiny was sleeping in my rucksack, and I hadn’t taken it off when I got to my house, nor had I awoken the happy Pokémon. She handed me 500 Poké Dollars to buy the healer item with, and it didn’t take me long to buy the requested item. In a dash I was in and a few seconds later I was out.

While walking in the field again (which was annoying really, as I kept having to go back and forth in a place I was robbed in) my feet suddenly came to a halt. The ground started to shake. In a split second the ground pulled apart into a hole, scattering dust everywhere, including my eyes. My feet were on air, but not for long as my back told me. I had fallen into a pitfall trap, at least ten feet deep, back-first. I howled in pain…

“What the hell…?”

I fell unconscious almost immediately.


“Jack! Jack, wake up! Jack!”

My eyes creaked open, my vision blurred at first. When I could see, right above me, standing above the pitfall trap was my mother.

“I bought a rope! Quickly, grab it!”

There was no time to think; only to act. My mother grabbed a rope seemingly out of nowhere, it looked weak but whatever. Throwing it down, I grabbed it with ease, and will the hardest possible force my mother started to pull on the rope. I gasped as Happiny appeared out of nowhere, smiling at me from above. She, being small, dashed in front of my mother and pulled on the rope. It was great to get help really, but I knew a single Happiny wasn’t very strong.

Eventually, I was pulled out of the pitfall trap. I groaned at my small wounds, but I knew my mother would try to heal them later.

“This is worse than I thought…” My mother said to me as we stood up and walked across the field to Twinleaf Town.

“Yeah, I’m definitely the unluckiest Trainer in the whole world.”

“This isn’t just coincidence. You’ve been cursed.”

Last edited by Dark Lightning; 08-15-2008 at 11:44 AM.
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Old 08-14-2008, 01:55 PM
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Default Re: Moonlight Echoes [Story Deal]

One hundred and eight spirits

Mother and I were safely home again, and we were sitting at our seats prior to the event. She had just told me I had been cursed – And we hadn’t said anything since then.

“Am I really cursed? If so, how do you know?” I asked her.

“Yes,” my mother replied sadly, “Because we’ve all had Gastly’s curse before; for two generations before now.”

“Gastly’s c-curse? What’s Gastly’s curse?”

“A horrid curse which only lasts a few months. Strange things will happen, and we can’t do a thing about it. I’ll tell you why now – I hoped the curse wouldn’t have had an effect on you, but it has.”

I listened carefully to my mother, still unaware why I was cursed.

“Several decades ago, your grandmother was a serious Pokémon Trainer.”

“M-My grandmother was a Pokémon Trainer?” I immediately replied.

“Yes. She was a great traveller. One day she came across a peculiar item named an odd keystone. It was an old, bizarre item that she noticed fit perfectly inside a small hole in the hallowed tower. This was a small tower that was very small. You could peek inside the tower through the hole which was uncovered. Your grandmother placed the odd keystone in the tower, awakening Spiritomb.”

“What’s a Spiritomb?” I asked her, confused.

“Spiritomb is the forbidden Pokémon, formed by one hundred and eight evil Pokémon spirits. In ancient times, the evil spirits of ghost Pokémon were sealed to make one, which was Spiritomb. Once the odd keystone was inserted into the indent in the tower, a spirit was set free by mistake. That spirit…Was a Pokémon named Gastly. The two became friends, despite Gastly being previously a bad Pokémon. It is said your grandmother taught it how to be nice. Later on, it seemed as if nothing could go wrong. But, her family disliked the Gastly to a point where they decided to get rid of it. The plan succeeded, but Gastly went out of control. It cast a curse on our family, and every generation suffered. I suffered, and I knew you would.”

“But why didn’t you tell me?” I replied angrily.

“Because I-I was forbidden to. I would have told you, but I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“Can we lift the curse, mother? There’s got to be some way we can stop Gastly, hasn’t there? Why should we suffer – Why should the next generation suffer?”

“There is a way. After the curse was lifted from me and onto you, I found out something from the townsfolk of Sunyshore City. They told me about the hallowed tower and the one hundred and eight spirits. The keystone was still in place; if it were to be removed, it would weaken Spiritomb, which resides inside the hallowed tower. Gastly would be able to detect the removal, and it would come for the person who removed it. If Gastly were to be battled and weakened, the odd keystone would be able to absorb it back into the sealed world of the one hundred and eight spirits. Spiritomb is, of now, one hundred and seven spirits and has been for decades now. It’s not complete the way it was before.”

“I can’t weaken Gastly with Happiny,” I moaned, “I need a different Pokémon. Normal types don’t affect ghost types.”

“Take your Happiny into the forest and catch another wild Pokémon then. Professor Rowan gave you spare Poké Balls, didn’t he?”

I loved this idea, and I was surprised I hadn’t thought about it before. In no time at all I was off, and Happiny had jumped out of my rucksack and was walking beside me. My mother waved to us as we walked over to the Twinleaf Forest.

“Munch! Munchlax!”

The air was silent as Happiny growled at the enemy Pokémon. Munchlax was bigger than Happiny, and yawned most of the time. I had slathered honey to the bark of a tree, which obviously attracted the big eater Pokémon via the scents. It had a very large mouth, dark blue pointy ears, sharp claws on its stuffy hands, and a brown circle mark on its belly.

“Happiny, get ready. Munchlax was attracted to the honey. We need to capture it and defeat Gastly!”

I knew Munchlax was a normal type Pokémon, but it learnt Lick, a ghost-type move which would be super-effective against a Gastly. It also learned Rollout, and my mother had given me her TM Psychic and Shadow Ball, which were both also super-effective. I was confident I was going to beat Gastly – What was the worst that could happen?

“Happiny, start things off with Pound!”

Happiny yelled at the opponent, attempting to intimidate it. She ran up to the Munchlax as her arm shined a bright white. In a second, the arm smacked down into Munchlax’s face, inflicting a damaging pound attack. The big eater Pokémon threw Happiny onto the ground in pain, and jumped high into the air. Its belly suddenly became extraordinarily heavy, and quickly Happiny was engulfed by it. Screaming under the chubby belly, Happiny endeavoured to break free of the body slam attack.

“Darn Body Slam…Happiny, break free with Sweet Kiss!”

Munchlax froze spontaneously. It rolled over after a minute, back-first onto the ground, eyes spinning at the sweet kiss move. Under the belly, Happiny had kissed Munchlax somehow, confusing it. Due to this condition, Munchlax tottered randomly when it got up.

“Great! Now it’s more likely to hurt itself than you! Use Copycat!”

Happiny grinned, and started to glow a luminous white colour. Her fingers started to wiggle, and the light faded. Munchlax scratched its head in confusion. Its opponent jumped into the air at reckless speed and pummelled to the ground with Munchlax below its belly. Happiny squeaked and pounded Munchlax once again. Its head was now spinning crazily, and when it was standing it shrieked and collapsed to the ground in pain again, indicating it had hurt itself by accident.

“It just hurt itself in its confusion! This is my chance!”

I reached into my hole-infested pocket, my fingers running down the small items inside. I grabbed what seemed like a red-and-white Poké Ball and threw it at the Munchlax. It shrieked as it was engulfed by the luminous red light of the tool. It shook once, twice, a third time, and paused. Was this it? It clicked, indicating a successful capture.

“Yes! We got Munchlax!” I yelled as I grabbed Happiny and spun it around in excitement.

“Oh, great! You caught a wild Munchlax! That’s fabulous, Jack!”

I stood outside my house, my mother standing at the door. I was holding my newly caught Pokémon’s Poké Ball firmly.

“I’ll go and get some apples and a town map for you. Munchlax will need apples as it’s always hungry.”

Five minutes later, she dropped the apples into my bag, as well as Happiny, though we’d told it not to eat the apples herself. Mother also dropped in there a town map.

“Right near Jubilife City, you should find the hallowed tower. Good luck!”

And with that Happiny, my newly caught Munchlax and I were off.


The hallowed tower was to the west of Jubilife City, right next to a little house on a small pier overlooking shallow water. Magikarp were swimming weakly in the water as we approached the tower. It was very small, and had an uncovered roof. You could peer inside and look down the tower; it seemed to be pitch black and go on forever.

“OK, this is it,” I sighed, “Mother gave us the odd keystone. Let’s look for that indent she told us about.”

After five minutes, my eyes pulled me towards a small hole near the top of the tower – small, but large enough for the odd keystone to fit in. It seemed exactly the right size, even.

“I’m going to insert this into the hole…That way, Gastly will find us and we’ll be able to defeat it.”

It took a lot of force to push the odd keystone in until it clicked into place. The air turned cold and silent abruptly, and a strange mist of vivid purple and black colours engulfed the area. Out of the mist came silhouette of a ball – it was Gastly.

It was round in shape, completely black. It had freaky, bright white eyes with tiny black pupils. It had a small grin across its face, and two fangs were adjusted to each corner of its mouth.

“Gastly, it’s you! You cursed my family – I’m going to defeat you and lift this curse right now!”

Gastly hesitated for a few moments as if it couldn’t speak. Then it burst out laughing menacingly, almost crying due to the laughter.

“Y-You find this funny?” I yelled irritably at the gas Pokémon.

I threw Munchlax’s Poké Ball onto the ground, releasing the big-eater Pokémon from its home. Standing upright with black beady eyes, it yelled out its name expecting a challenge.

“Munchlax, use Psychic, now!”

Gastly immediately stopped laughing. Munchlax clenched its head and started humming, building up psychic power. In a few seconds, many large purple circles enveloped Gastly, inflicting super-effective damage. Its tongue flew madly everywhere reacting to the damaging move.

Gastly became angry very quickly. A small fist appeared as it gave off its purple aura, and jumped straight into Munchlax. It was dark pulse, despite looking a lot like sucker punch. Munchlax reacted, holding its stomach and yelling in pain. However, the battle was far from over. Munchlax dashed up to its opponent and revealed its yellow tongue. It stretched out wide, and then gave Gastly a massive, damaging lick attack which was also super-effective.

“Gas! Gas…Gastly…”

Gastly was weakened, but still not out. It yelled out loud, sending wavy lines of black darkness to Munchlax. Once it came in contact with its head, it immediately fell asleep, snoring loudly, lost in the wilderness of crazy dreams.

“That was Hypnosis! I’ve got to awaken Munchlax soon…But how?”

Gastly unleashed several green balls of miraculous light at Munchlax while it was asleep. It was using energy ball, but I didn’t think it could learn it by levelling up. Maybe my grandmother taught it the technical machine…

It took me a while to realize I had an awakening in my bag. It was just like a potion albeit purple in colour. I dashed over to my injured Pokémon and sprayed it with the medicine, and after a few seconds Munchlax jumped onto its feet and growled.

“Yes, you’re awake! Now, use Odor Sleuth!”

A few rainbow beams emerged from Munchlax’s hands, glowing brightly and luminously. They charged up power and struck Gastly, causing it to shriek in agony. I realized the attack had initiated effect – I could hit Gastly with a normal type move.

“Awesome, Munchlax! While it’s stunned, use Body Slam for the big finish!”

Munchlax grinned at me, and leapt into the air. Its stomach became heavier all of a sudden, and it crashed down onto Gastly. It was as if Gastly was solid – it took the same amount of damage as every other Pokémon did.

“Good, now Munchlax, move out of the way! I’m going to capture it with a Poké Ball! Hopefully it will end this madness…”

I reached into my pocket once again and grabbed a spare Poké Ball. I clicked it, enlarging it, and built up force. I threw the Poké Ball into Gastly’s head. It was as if Gastly couldn’t resist being captured.

I kept thinking to myself, what will this do about the curse? Will it be lifted?

Last edited by Dark Lightning; 08-16-2008 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 08-24-2008, 03:52 AM
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Default Re: Moonlight Echoes [Story Deal]

Sorry for the wait. ^.^;;

Story/Plot: Jack is attacked, and has his partner Pokemon, a Buneary, stolen from him. When he comes to, he finds himself in a Pokemon Center. He borrows a Happiny from the nurse, and reports the stolen Pokemon to the police. Soon after, he is run over by a herd of Stantler. After coming to, he decides to visit his mom. He explains where Buneary has gone to, and his mother sends him out to buy a Potion for her. He falls in a pitfall trap, and his mother comes to his rescue. She tells him that he is being affected by the family curse, and tells him how to resolve it.

This was pretty good, although I don’t see why she didn’t go and catch Gastly herself. ^.^;;

Introduction: This was very good. You pulled me in with Jack’s despair at losing Buneary, and with explaining where he was and why he was there. In the future though, try to tell us what your character looks like in the introduction, you don’t want to leave your readers hanging for the rest of the story.

Grammar/Spelling: This was very good, you obviously know what you’re doing here, other than a few typos, there were few mistakes. Keep up the good work!

“Are you okay now, young man?” Her soft voice was so soothing.
This sentence is a little funny-sounding, and “Her” shouldn’t be capitalized. I’d change it to something like “Are you okay now, young man?” she asked, her soft voice soothing me.

The sun escaped from the dark sky prison, engulfing the land in its warm, solar rays the next day. I stayed inside the Pokémon Centre for the whole day – I was still too injured and crushed to even bother to go back to Twinleaf Town.
At the end of sentence one, you say “the next day”, which seems out of place. Maybe you should put it at the beginning of the next sentence, making it”…solar rays. The next day, I stayed…”.

breathed in the fresh smell of wildlife and that sunny smell in the morning – Many bushes lead into different routes, and I grinned at Happiny, who walked by my leg and grinned at me as we strode off down the path.
“Many” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

“What is it?” He murmured.
I noticed this quite a bit in your story. After dialogue, don’t capitalize the next word unless it’s a proper noun.

Description/Detail: This was pretty good, you did a good job of describing the actions in your story, as well as the setting, but I felt that the way you described your characters was a little lacking. I couldn’t see how Jack, his mother, or his Happiny looked. I know it’s hard to describe yourself in first person, but it’s possible. Maybe you should use a lake or a mirror to describe your reflection? Also, I felt that you didn’t give the Pokemon Center enough description, and it definitely could’ve used more.

Length: This was good, right around the middle. Good job on this! ^_^

Battle: Meh, these were okay. You used a variety of moves in each battle, and they were fairly two-sided. However, they were pretty short. I think Munchlax should’ve put up more of a fight to Happiny, as Happiny’s attack stat isn’t that great, (base stat of five, if I recall correctly) and most of the moves you used on Munchlax were physical moves. Although, Happiny’s movepool isn’t that great, but you could’ve incorporated the surrounding area into the battle to strengthen Happiny’s moves.

Outcome: Well, this was a pretty good story, although the lack of character description was rather off-putting. However, I feel you deserve the capture, so Gastly Captured! In the future, make sure to add more description about your characters and their surroundings. I hope to see more from you as a writer. ^_^
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