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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-04-2008, 05:09 AM
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Eternal Moonlight Offline
The Luna Diviner
 
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Default Quit bugging me!

Hehe, my first ever story. Here goes...
Quit bugging me!

I looked at the short, stubby sign in front of me. “Viridian Forest” was roughly engraved into the light brown wood. Honestly, in my opinion, it needed some replacing. However this miserable sign was the least of my problems. I hated long, creepy, and bug filled forests, they just freaked me out so much. With the hairy Weedle hanging from every branch possible and those nasty, poisonous Beedrill flying high, this was the last place I wanted to go. Sadly, there was no other way to get to the next town and giving up when I had just started was a no go. Mac, my brother would make fun of me, saying that I couldn’t make it through a stupid forest. Plus Mom would surely get on my case about having bought all my gear, and my pricy Kanto edition trainer clothes for nothing. I was actually wearing this right now, a ruby red skort that went a little higher then my knees, a sleeveless sky blue shirt and a cool white hat that hid the messy part of my faded brown hair. A cool and durable yellow duffle bag completed my outfit. I was all set, now to tackle these woods!

Little of the sun’s rays made it to the forest floor, being blocked off by the thick foliage. It looked like a scene out of a nature documentary, so un-urbanized, so creepy. “Be cool, Jaye, be cool” I told myself as I resisted the urge to turn around and run away. To make matters even worse for me, the ground was littered with leaves and twigs. Not only was it adding to the “creep factor” but it was noisy as well. I really did hope it wouldn’t attract any unwanted attention, primarily from the bugs. The last thing I wanted was for some slimy, gross little creature to come at me. I scanned the branches carefully, not wanting to end up with a hairy little worm Pokémon on my hat, or even worse, on me! I then lowered my vision, not wanting a ground attack. All of a sudden, I saw some of the bushes on my right rustling. I froze, nervous to see what would come forward, if it wanted to. A second later, this light green with a red thing on its head and a yellow bottom crawled out and looked at me, blankly. “Caterpie!” I cried jumping back a little, startled. I guess this made it curious, as it started crawling in my direction.

“No, please, I really don’t think you...” before I could finish, I noticed how close it had gotten. Way too close for my comfort.

“Eeeek” I screamed, sprinting as fast as I possibly could. Even when that Pokémon was out of my sight, I kept going. I tried to get as far as possible from that light green worm. I was so freaked that I didn’t even bother to look ahead, which lead to a painful collision. I ran right in this huge, chunky tree. The crash caused an alarming amount of pain, and cuts. My legs were littered with shards of bark and cuts. My nose felt like it had been squished into my face and the pain caused me to cry.

“I want to get out of here” I repeatedly sobbed, sitting against the tree. At this point, I really didn’t want to face the rest of the forest, even less so then before. I closed my eyes in hopes of maybe being able to calm down a bit. Before the void of my mind kicked in, I heard this strange buzzing sound. It seemed to be coming from above me. Almost afraid to, I looked up, the movement causing a great amount of pain in my neck.

“Please, don’t be a Beedrill” I whispered, my eyes closed. To my horror, upon opening my hazel eyes, I did see Beedrill, a whole swam of them. I then knew I had to run for it, if I wanted to avoid the wrath of those large, red-eyed bees!

As I ran the pain of my tree crash seemed to fade away, the only thing I was focused on was getting away, that and the road ahead. However, I knew that I was slowing down with every minute, I couldn’t do endurance running, and that’s what this was turning into. I disparately scanned around, with hopes of finding an escape. Heck, at this point I would have settled for a... and it was at that second that I saw my savoir, a small river, off to my left. I soon realized that if I wanted to make it out of this blasted forest in one piece, I needed to get in that water, real soon! I glanced behind me swiftly, to see how close those bees were. I was shocked to see just how close they had gotten to me. Even closer then that Caterpie had been!

“Can’t let those bugs get the better of me now!” I stated rather loudly in my head, checking the left for any trees. To my joy, there were none there at the moment. This was my chance! I gave the Beedrill one last look before steering off to the left. Unshaken, they followed. I was almost at the river now, and they had no way of getting to me in the water.

“Here I go!” I screamed and jumped feet first into the semi clear waters. I looked above, noticing the bugs flying rapidly flying the same direction, again unshaken. I smiled to myself in victory, before I realized my new problem. I now needed to get out of the river, and even with my swimming skills and the slow current, it might still present a challenge to me, like everything else in these woods!

The first move in my plan to get on land was to reach to surface for a breath of fresh air, which I really needed at the moment. With all my might, I kicked my legs hard, looking upwards. I wasn’t very deep, so I didn’t think much more of my energy was needed now. Thankfully for once since I entered the woods, I was right. My head pierced the surface, causing a tiny splash and little loss of energy. Those few deep breaths were so relieving to my lungs and to well, me! I looked around, trying to get an idea of where I now was. However, like I expected, there weren’t many clues. Just more and more trees! “Ok, the shoreline isn’t too far from here, all I need to do is swim to the right and hope this slow current doesn’t deicide to pick up.” I said all to myself, quietly. The less noise I made at this point the better! I began doggy paddling towards the banks, rather effortlessly. Maybe this part of my Viridian Forest challenge wasn’t going to cause me grief after all!

I crawled onto the leafy land a few minutes later. Every part of me was wet and dripping, from my sky blue socks up to...my hat! I felt my head and noticed something disturbing. My beautiful white Kanto edition hat was gone, missing! I turned my head, causing my neck to hurt some more, towards the river. Nothing! I stood up, causing my knees to ach and a large amount of leaves to stick to my skin. The slimy feeling of them would have bothered me before, but now, I didn’t care too much. I looked at the water, searching for anything white. At first sight there wasn’t anything of that color. Determined, I kept on searching for a few more minutes, I really wanted to find my hat. Sadly, nothing that could even come close drifted by. Beaten, I turned around to face the forest, nervously. I wasn’t afraid of getting a tiny Weedle on my head or running into the curious Caterpie, I was scared I wouldn’t make it out alive!

A few minutes of wandering and I couldn’t take it anymore! I was so uptight about running into those Beedrill again that I jumped at every little sound. I knew if I wanted out of this forest, I had to keep my cool, which was the last thing I was doing now.

“Think, Jaye, think” I whispered to myself, wishing I could whip up an idea to take my fear down a few notches. I could only think up of one thing,

“Go Safira!” a said, not too loudly. I then tossed a small red and white sphere into the air, expecting a red flash to proceed. However, nothing happened!

“Nooo!” I shouted

“My precious Eevee is now stuck inside this ball everyone said is the best way to carry Pokémon! I knew I should have left her outside, but I thought she`d be scared here. But being a little spooked is better for her then her being stuck in there forever!” I was in a total state of panic. My starter, my friend and partner was stuck inside a stupid Pokéball! I didn`t even bother to keep my voice low. I didn`t care at this point, I just wanted to get Safira out, now! I didn`t notice a Caterpie approaching Safira`s Pokéball. Once I looked up, I saw it, and call out,

“Quit bugging me! I`m sick of all of you bugs!” It ignored me, and kept crawling forward. A strange feeling of curiosity then struck me; I wanted to see what it would do. It smelled the sphere and started poking it with its red horn thingy. After about three times, it hit the center button, causing it to expand into the size of an Oran berry. This caused the green worm to flee a few feet. I didn’t pay much attention to where it went, just that I knew how to save my Eevee!

I picked it up; I was ready for round two of operation “Get Safira outside of the ball.”

“Ok now, go Eevee” I said, tossing the dual coloured gizmo into the air. This time the blinding red flash occurred. Seconds later, a chocolate coloured feline/fox-like creature with a mane a shade of cream, and a bushy tail stood where the light had been.

“Safira!” I called, casing her large ears to twitch slightly and then, she came dashing in my direction. The evergreen leaves below her paws cricked as she ran, and stopped when she halted in front of me. I bent to my knees and patted Safira softly between her ears, causing her to grin. Her fur was soft, like a brand new comfortable fleecy blanket. Eevee`s ears then twitched again, followed by her jacking her head to the left. I followed her gaze until I met what she saw, the Caterpie. It had crawled from its...WHITE HIDING SPOT!

“My hat!” I said, beaming. This worm had found my missing hat AND saved Safira! My opinion on the whole Caterpie specie and bugs in general began to shift. Maybe they weren`t so useless after all...

I chose to feed this little one, for a thank-you gift. I had set up a picnic, using a soggy standard chequered black and white mat to cover the messy grounds. All I had (that was dry) was a small cookie inside a slimy, gooey plastic bag. Even holding it sent a few shivers down my spine. The green worm installed herself (as she had clearly mentioned, she was female) and in a flash, gobbled the entire chocolate chip cookie. Nothing more than a few tiny crumbs remained on the mat. Safira stood in awe at the Caterpie`s eating speed. I was shocked too; I never thought a bug could eat so fast. Heck the only things I though bugs could do fast where to be annoying and to chase innocent travelers. All of a sudden, I got this strange urge to add this green critter to my team. She was smart, helpful, and as much as I wanted to deny it, a bit cute. Almost reading my mind, Safira nodded and said quietly

“Go for it.” I returned the nod and addressed the bug.

“Hey, umm, Caterpie, I know this sounds odd, but...would you umm like to join Safira and me? I asked nervously. This was the last thing on Earth I thought I would be requesting, from a worm. She nodded excitedly and added

“But only if you battle me.” I looked down at Safira, who nodded.

“Yes, we`ll take you, Caterpie!” I replied, bracing myself for my first capture.

”Safira and I will make the first move” I called, and the Caterpie nodded.

“Use Quick Attack, go” I commanded, in this military tone I only use when I`m in a battle

Eevee nodded and quickly sprinted forward, jumping left and sticking the astonished bug head on. Judging from its slow reaction, I figured this would be a snap. I also knew that Caterpie only knew two attacks. How hard could it be? Well, unfortunately me slight daze gave the green and yellow bug the chance to attack. It backed up a tad and leaped forward, leaving Safira no chance to properly dodge and resulted in a painful tackle to the side.

“Sorry Saf, try your own tackle” I said pointing my scratched index finger toward Caterpie.

My Eevee didn`t waste a moment, she charged towards the bug. However, since this attack was slower than the previous one, Caterpie had time to string a line between two trees, at about Safira`s paw`s height. I laughed how pathetic was it to resort to such a...then I realized what she had done. Before I could warn Eevee of the danger, it happened. She darted into the white, silky string, causing her to trip painfully; face first into the hard, brown soil. Caterpie giggled and got in another easy tackle to Safira`s side. This time, she flew back a bit. I couldn`t believe we were getting owned by a bug! My Eevee got up again, slowly. I had to end this, soon.

“We can do this, use Quick Attack, but jump over the thread this time. “ I said, hoping that Safira was swift enough to get a good hit in.

Safira bolted, jumping over the string expertly and hit her target dead on. Caterpie had had no time to clear out of the way. The impact sent her flying into a chunky Maple tree a few metres away. I knew it was now or never.

I grabbed a red and white sphere from the left pouch of my yellow duffle bag. I fired my right arm into the air proudly, remembering to hit the centre button this time. My eyes locked onto my target, they narrowed and I smiled. Wasting no more time, I tossed the ball towards Caterpie. It swam effortlessly past Safira and straight onto the weakened Pokémon. I was so happy I had taken pitching lessons from my dad before leaving home, or I would have never made that throw. Anyway, the ball opened up and in a second, the red light consumed the bug. It fell to the ground, causing a few leaves to shake. Now it shakes, once, twice...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pokémon Attempting to catch: Caterpie
Level: Easiest!
Statts: Graded :D
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Last edited by Moonlight; 08-25-2008 at 05:12 AM.
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  #2  
Old 08-24-2008, 05:58 AM
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Default Re: Quit bugging me!

O-M-G!

Do not EVER let your story wait this long before PM-ing a grader.

I apologize soooo much for you having to wait this long for a grade. :( Here you go:


Story/Plot: This was a fun, cute story. Although stories about forests, bugs, and Pokemon agreeing to be captured have been done to death, beaten with a baseball bat, chopped up, grounded into tiny pieces, buried, and dug back up, I found yours really enjoyable.

It seemed like you had fun writing it, what with the many exclamation points and such. The plot was quite basic, what with her running from the many Bug-type Pokemon, jumping in a river, and meeting an intelligent Caterpie, but you write much better than many first-timers, so I can only commend you.

You don’t see many stories where the Pokemon can talk. That was nice. :3

Introduction: Good job. You make the character of Jaye really clear, and we get a good description of her and her clothing, as well as a bit about her family and how they would react to her decisions of turning around and leaving the forest. I could have seen you telling a bit more about why she was going on her journey, and a tad bit more about her past and such before she was venturing into Viridian Forest.

Also, when you are telling what a character looks like/is wearing, try not to make it like you are just writing a list. Make it flow into your story, and eliminate the seams, so that we can be reading the story and imagine it without having to stop and get the whole picture of her in just one moment.

Spelling/Grammar: This wasn’t your best area, but it was well enough. I could have seen you making the paragraphs a bit smaller, as they were a tad bulky in some places.

Quote:
Mac, my brother would make fun of me, saying that I couldn’t make it through a stupid forest.
Another comma would be placed on the other side of “brother”, as it interrupts the sentence to explain who Mac is.

Quote:
As I ran the pain of my tree crash seemed to fade away, the only thing I was focused on was getting away, that and the road ahead.
A comma should be placed after “ran” and “that”, and the comma after “away” should be replaced with a semicolon, as it is starting another sentence.

Quote:
disparately scanned around, with hopes of finding an escape.
It is spelled “desperately”.

Quote:
Even closer then that Caterpie had been!
When comparing two different things, “than” is used instead of “then”. ^___^

Length: I sat down to read this with two Popsicles in my hand. I finished them long before I finished this story. In my book, that made it long enough. XD

Detail/Description: This was done well enough for a Caterpie story. You might want to work on describing the surroundings a tad more, as to the river looked like, and how the forest scenery changed as Jaye ventured deeper and deeper.

I loved how you described Jaye’s feelings toward every event in the story. It made it very realistic to see how she reacted to jumping in the river, being chased by Beedrills, and being helped by the Caterpie. Nice work. =]

Battle: This was simple and nice. You provided a good amount of attacks, for Caterpie aren’t powerful creatures, and you made it two-sided and long enough. That’s really all that a grader can ask of a story. I was glad that you showed what Jaye was thinking each time Safira was hit, and how she even contemplated them losing.

Outcome: Much, much better than most stories you would see from a first-timer. Caterpie Captured!. I hope she comes in handy and helps make the URPG an enjoyable place for you. ^______^
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  #3  
Old 08-24-2008, 06:27 AM
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Default Re: Quit bugging me!

THANK-YOU! Next time, I won't wait so long

Yeah, grammer and spelling aren't my forté, I`ll work on what you suggested and write another story soon !
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