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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 07-31-2008, 04:03 AM
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Kendo Offline
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Default Gone Fishing [Summer Story Comp]

On this day of spring, Mauville City was especially calm. The wind hardly blew, the streets weren’t as crowded as usual, and most people were relaxing at home. On this particular day, Alex was relaxing at home, 20-year old female with brown hair, blue jeans and nothing to do. Today was a Sunday, so she didn’t have to work on her career as an author. The doorbell rang. Alex raised her head, wondering who it was.....

Alexandra May, better known as Alex, had been living in Mauville ever since she had graduated from a writing college in Goldenrod City. Since then, she’d been slowly settling in, making a couple of new friends in the area and publishing one or two of her books. When not writing, she usually went out with her Growlithe, Arcane, to train and sharpen her skills as a Pokemon Trainer. Unfortunately, Arcane was her only Pokemon, and she’d wanted another one for a month or two. She was just too lazy to get one herself...

Alex opened the door. “Yes?”

“Hey, Alex,” answered a girl with a Pokeball in her hand. “Guess what?”

“Oh, hey, Luna. What is it?” Alex wasn’t quite in the mood for company today.”

“My cousin took me to go fishing today. And GUESS WHAT I CAUGHT!?”

“What?”

Luna held out her Pokeball, her long-sleeved shirt slightly hanging off of her arm. “Go, Totodile!”

A flash of light, and a small, blue crocodile emerged from the ball. “Toto di!” it said in a voice which made it sound as if it were choking.

“Lucky.” Alex bent down to examine the Pokemon. “I never thought fishing would be so worthwhile.”

“Well, if you only have one Pokemon so far, I think you should go over to Route 118 and fish, that’s how I found this guy.”

“Well!” Alex stood up again and sighed. The Totodile looked up at her expectantly. “I thought you could only catch fish and stuff by fishing. Hence the name. I never would have thought an alligator would bite your line...did ya need me for anything else?”

“Umm...nope!” Luna held out her Pokeball and said, “Return!” The crocodile was sucked back into the ball, consumed in a ball of red light and then ‘swallowed’, so to speak. “I was about to call you, but I thought you would only believe me if I showed you. Okay, bye!”

“Bye, Luna!” Alex closed the door behind her friend, who never ventured far past the door during their short discussion, anyways.

Maybe I could find something like that...she thought, sitting back on her red couch.

Dingaling~

Alex opened the Pokemart door as a bell rang, signaling her arrival. Around the store, blue walls and racks of Pokemon and human goods. Slowly, she stepped over to the counter, where a smiling cashier waited patiently for her.

“Hello, and how can I help you?” he asked in a very customer-friendly voice.

“Uhm, do you sell fishing rods here?” Alex looked around the store. Nobody else was here except her and the cashier. It was a wonder why this store was open on Sundays when they hardly got any business.

“Hmm...wait just a second here...” The cashier disappeared into a supplies room. As he looked around, Alex waited semi-patiently, tapping her foot and clenching her $1500 in her fist. A slight breeze was blowing in the store, which was actually quite refreshing. The trees blew back and forth outside the windows, baaack and fooorth, baaack and fooorth.....

The supplies door almost flung open as it nearly bashed against the wall. “Ah, here we are,” said the man, still smiling as cheerfully as he had before. the cashier placed two fishing rods on the desk: one was metal, the other was wooden. “This one’s the Old Rod,” He pointed to the wooden one, “and that one’s the Good Rod.” he pointed to the metal one. “So what’ll it be?”

“Uh, how much for the Good Rod?” Alex slowly placed her money on the table.

“That’ll be $2000...hmm, you only have $1500, miss. Just $500 shy. I’m sorry, but you only have enough to buy the Old Rod.”

“And how much does that cost?” Please don’t say $1500...I don’t want to lose this money...she thought, getting worried. She had more money, but that money was for food and rent. This money was for pleasure, and she didn’t have too much.

“For the Old Rod...that’ll be $1000. I’m not haggling, though.”

Yes! “Thank you!” Alex handed the $1000 to the cashier, grabbed the Old Rod and hurried out of the store as the man called, “Did you want a receipt?” with no reply.

Route 118, a fantastic, sandy port which connects Mauville to Fortree City via a calm waterway. There weren’t any visitors here today (even though it seemed the perfect day for fishing), so Alex had the perfect opportunity to go fish. The sand crumbled under her feet as she sat near the coast, sitting cross-legged and holding her Old Rod outwards, Arcane’s Pokeball in her belt. In the gentle waves, the bobber waved with them, giving a sort of calming effect...

Minutes had passed. Not a single Pokemon had approached her rod since she’d come.

Ugh...wish I had a watch, it feels like it’s been hours.....Alex thought fishing was so boring. That’s why she had never tried it before today. Oh, wait! I forgot something! Alex took her Old Rod and rushed back into the city.

Later.....

Alex sat cross-legged at the shore, her bobber tipped with a morsel of whole wheat bread. A plate of bread sat to the side of her.

Darnit, this is no use. Fish don’t like bread. If I liked eating salmon I would’ve brought it here. But when I went back home, the clock said I’d only been fishing for a few minutes now.....

Despite these thoughts, Alex was actually very determined, determined that she would catch something, determined she would reach her goal. So she watched the water eagerly, waiting for a Pokemon to appear below the water.....

Tug!

I got one!

Something had caught onto her line! Alex proceeded to pull in her line. Quickly, as quickly as she could, she reeled it in.....

SPLOOSH!

It’s a Mudkip...! So it was true! Then I’ll have to hope I catch a Totodile or something like Luna.....

The Mudkip released its grip from the bobber and bait, causing it to fall onto the shore. “Mudkip kip kip,” it said, wandering around.

MAN, it’s cute. I’ll definitely catch it. Alex held out her Pokeball and whispered, “Go, Arcane.”

A Growlithe appeared from a flash of red light. “Garow!” he barked.

“Kip?” The Mudkip turned to Arcane.

“Rowwwww.....GARORORORO!!!” The dog ran closer.

The two started running away! “Muud kiiip!”

“ARCANE!”

“Row?” The Growlithe turned to his Trainer.

“Stop it. Come back here.” Alex signaled to him.

Soon, Arcane was by her side. “Growl.” He looked up at her expectantly.

“Okay,” Alex said, crouching down, “here’s our plan.....”

“Mudkip...mudkip...” The Mudkip was lost. Around him, trees and Berry plants surrounded him. Was there any water around? Mudkip now yearned for home again, in the vast oceans of Hoenn.....

Okay, we’ve looked in Route 117, let’s check here.....Alex and her Growlithe stepped into Route 112, both eager to find that Mudkip they had caught before.

Alex tapped a boy on the shoulder. “Uh, excuse me?”

He turned to Alex. “Yeah, what is it?”

“My Growlithe and I were looking for a lost Mudkip-have you seen it?”

“.....No,I haven’t.”

“Thanks anyway. We’ve been asking all over the area and haven’t gotten any help, though.” She and her Growlithe walked away.

Finally, after about 45 minutes of walking around the route, Growlithe barked at something.

“Row! Row!”

“What is it, boy?” Alex kneeled down beside him.

Growlithe pointed to a few large Rawst Berry trees with his paw. “Rowl!”

That must be where the Mudkip is...”Thanks, Arcane! Hmm...” Alex thought for a few moments, then replied, “Approach them slowly, okay, boy?” She softly rubbed her Pokemon on the head, his yellow tuft getting ruffled.

“Row, row!” The Growlithe slowly walked towards the trees, making every footstep as delicate as they could possibly be...

SHING!

“Mud kiiip!” The Mudkip had leaped out from the trees, looking worried. A few Rawst Berries fell to the ground, but nobody focused on them.

“Rowowowowow!” Arcane always seemed to be upset about Mudkip’s presence...or maybe this was in his nature, to always be at alert.

“Arcane, stop!” Alex gently dragged the Pokemon backwards, his claws scraping up dirt.

Arcane pawed the ground, wanting to get close to the Mudkip. “Row, ROWLLL!!!”

“Arcane!” Alex picked the Growlithe up in her arms. While the two were conflicting over their plans, Mudkip had escaped! Darnit...the thing escaped. Wait...if Arcane’s weak to Water.....Alex placed Arcane onto the ground, reached into her back pocket and took out her Pokedex. It had been customized with a green shell rather than a red one. She opened it quickly, but before she turned it on she remembered...

“Arcane, return. I don’t want you running after that Mudkip.” She pulled a Pokeball from her belt, which opened and absorbed Arcane in a bright, red beam. Alright...now to look through the Pokedex...Alex pressed the “On/Off” button on her Pokedex, which then turned on and revealed a startup screen.

The beginning screen read, “POKEDEX: VERSION 4.5: KANTO-SINNOH: PRESS A TO BEGIN,” with a few Pokeball icons here and there and a blue background. Of course, Alex pressed A. The screen then changed into a list of Pokemon, though the only few Pokemon in Alex’s Pokedex were Growlithe, Eevee, Totodile, Espeon, Mudkip and Chimchar. While scanning the Pokedex, Alex suddenly realized how she would catch the Pokemon....

DING DONG.....

Alex tapped her foot in anticipation for Luna to open the door. She stood in front of a small, brown and quaint-looking house. I might like to live in this kind of house, she thought, gazing at the clouds and doing random stuff on her Pokedex. Huh...wonder what Growlithe’s entry is?

“Growlithe: #58 The Puppy Pokemon Height: 0.7m Weight: 19.0 kg Description: A Pokemon with a loyal nature. It will remain motionless until it is given an order by its Trainer.”

Alex closed the machine. That sure doesn’t sound like Arcane. He goes wild after that Mudkip--

“Hey, Alex!”

“Oh! Luna!” Alex replaced her Pokedex in its respective place. “I was just wondering if I could borrow one of your Pokemon...I found a Mudkip, and I wanna catch it-”

“You went fishing...right? And you found a MUDKIP!? Oh, my GOSH, that is so cool! You’ve GOTTA catch it, Alex.”

“Because Arcane is weak against Water-type moves, I was just gonna borrow your Totodile for a bit. Promise I’ll give it back.”

“...Okay, but when you catch the Mudkip, show it to me, ‘kay? Here,” Luna agreed, handing Alex one of her Pokeballs.

“Thanks, Luna. I really owe you one.” She quickly grabbed the ball and put it in her belt. “Okay, see ya after I catch it!”

“Alright, bye!” Luna closed her door.

“Muuud.....” Mudkip was in an uncomfortable situation; he found out where home was, but to get there, he had to cross back through Mauville City! Who could be lurking there? As the mud-skipper slowly peeked out from behind a bush, he saw...a human!

Who could it be but Alex, the young woman who was determined to catch Mudkip. The fear couldn’t escape the Pokemon as he shivered, afraid to cross the borderline between two routes. How could he do it before, but not be able to attempt it now?

“M-mud!” The young mud-skipper couldn’t help but squeal in fear.

“Oh!” Alex was startled by the sudden noise, and turned to the bushes. Wait, that was Mudkip! She held out a Pokeball and whispered, “Go, Totodile.”

The small, crocodile-like creature emerged from the small capsule. “Toto di!” it called.

“Mud!” The Mudkip huddled into a ball, slowly squirming deeper into the bushes.

“Toto?” The Totodile tilted his head. He didn’t know this Trainer too well. Could he trust her?

“Alright, Totodile,” Alex crouched down beside Luna’s Pokemon as she did with Arcane, “there’s a Mudkip in those bushes, and I need...rather, I’d like, to catch it. So, I want you to use...” Alex turned on her Pokedex. Press A, blah blah blah, let’s see what moves Totodile here has...oh, cool, Screech. She turned it off and put it back in her pocket. “...I want you to use Screech on those bushes. Could you do that for me?”

“.....” She seemed trusting enough. “Toto toto!” The Pokemon nodded, then turned to the bushes. Totodile took a deep breath in, then screamed in an incredibly high-pitched voice, “TOTOTOTO!!!!!” The sound hurt Alex’s ears, and she backed away a few steps.

“KIIP!” Mudkip let out another squeal, and became paralyzed with fright. What could he do now? A Trainer was about to capture him! All he could think to do was wait...

“Okay, Totodile! Go into those bushes and use Slash!” She pointed to Mudkip’s hiding spot.

“To to!” Totodile had never been in a real battle before, besides that one against his regular Trainer, Luna...being in the fray was so exhilarating for him. He loved getting stronger.

“Muud...” The young mud-skipper started to weep. Its parents were still in the ocean, clueless as to where he was...and it was all because of that bread. It was so tempting, Mudkip had to grab it, only to fall into some Trainer’s trap. It was cruel. It was unfair. Would he ever return home, where he belonged?

“To!” With a single Slash, Totodile had cut down the bushes and revealed the hidden Pokemon!

“KIP!!!” Tears streaming down his cheeks, Mudkip rushed into the town before Totodile could Slash him.

“Totodile!”

“Toto?” He turned to Alex.

“Use Screech again, then use Superpower on Mudkip!” Alex stood up and leaned over to grab Totodile’s hand, then started running with him.

“TOTOTO!!!!!” The sound waves, once again, stopped Mudkip in his tracks.

“Muud.....” He stood there, as if to give up the battle. He turned around, to Totodile. He thought that the crocodile wasn’t doing this because he wanted to. He was doing it because he was forced to. Eyes still watering, he turned to Totodile, hoping that he would stop this battle, this cruelness...

Totodile stopped running. “To.....”

With Totodile, Alex stopped as well. “Huh? Why’ve you stopped, Totodile?”

“..........” He could only stare at Mudkip and his message.

“Totodile, I SAID use Superpower on Mudkip! Now, do it!” Alex ran towards the crying Mudkip, not caring about the tears, but about her own needs. If Mudkip could have connected with Alex,she would have stopped in her tracks as Totodile had. Instead, she tormented him by forcing her Pokemon into battle.

Why did this all happen? Why did Mudkip go out to the shore by himself in the first place? Why was he being attacked? What had Mudkip done wrong? Would he be tortured? Would he be knocked out? Would he die?

The fray was a scary place to be.

“SUPERPOWER!!!”

“To to...” Totodile was glowing bright yellow! He charged toward the poor, defenseless wild Pokemon regretfully, holding his claws in front of his body.

Mudkip was going to die. He knew it.

“TO, TO, DILE!!!!!” Totodile slashed Mudkip with both of his claws in an X-formation.

“MUD!!!” The wild Pokemon flew backwards from the force of the impact, bouncing on the grass a few times and making dirt fly, until he eventually skidded to a halt.

Mudkip’s life had no meaning. He had never accomplished anything in his life. He never would. He knew he was going to die right here, right now. Because his life was meant to end. Everybody’s life is meant to end at some point, and it was Mudkip’s time to pass away. His parents would never care; they had more children. Their lives had purpose. What was this Mudkip’s purpose? To live, to suffer, to die. Was that its meaning? He wasn’t dead yet. He would die soon. The pain from Totodile’s Superpower move was crushing and painful. He had many open wounds, all of which were bleeding. What would Mudkip go through next?

“Totodile, good work. Return!” Alex held out her Pokeball, enveloping Totodile in a red flash of light. And now, for that sweet moment I’ve been waiting for..... “Go, Pokeball!” She threw a ball from her belt at the poor Pokemon, which opened up and whisked Mudkip away, into its mysterious void.

What was this place? He struggled to get out of the ball.

The ball wiggled once.



Come on, come on...Alex crossed her fingers.

The ball wiggled twice.

Yes! YES!!!

KA-CHINK!

Mudkip was caught!

“Yesss!” Alex couldn’t help but whisper to herself as she ran to the site of the ball and picked it up. She then placed it into her belt and ran off through Mauville.
__________________
A very dumb story. Go read it.
~Kendo
Join my RPG...
IT'S NOT VALENTINE'S DAY.

Last edited by Kendo; 08-07-2008 at 12:31 PM. Reason: Growlithe isn't .7 millimeters tall. D: Changed mm to m. Forgot some italics, too.
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2008, 04:07 AM
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Default Re: Gone Fishing

“Mud! MUD!!!” Mudkip banged his front legs against the side of the Pokeball. He was suffering from his deep wounds and bruises. Where would he be taken next? Home? Mudkip could only hope.

THUMP, THUMP!

Huh? Alex thought she heard a voice and some hitting noises from Mudkip’s Pokeball. Eh. It’s my imagination. The stuff that pops into my head...Alex waited at the front desk of the Pokemon Center. The nurse would be there any second now.

A pink-haired nurse opened a double-doorway from behind the desk. “Hello, I’m Nurse Joy. Would you like for me to heal your Pokemon?”

“Yeah, of course.” Alex placed Totodile and Mudkips’ Pokeballs onto the red desk.

Joy took them. “Thank you. They will be returned to you shortly.” She disappeared behind the two doors again, taking the Pokeballs with her.

“.....Mudkip?” Totodile turned to Mudkip.

“What, what is it?” Mudkip replied.

“I know you were in emotional trauma back there.”

Mudkip stared.

“That’s why I stood still when my substitute Trainer told me to use Superpower. It was against my own will.”

“...Is your normal Trainer like this?”

“I haven’t battled alongside her yet.”

“Oh...”

“.....”

“.....Thanks. Thanks for caring..........”


That was the discussion the two Pokemon had just before they were being taken back to Alex. They lay on rolling tables, having worn casts and taken medications. Mudkip thinking back on this, thought, Totodile...I mustn’t forget him...

Nurse Joy placed the two Pokeballs onto the desk. “Thank you. We hope you have a nice day.”

“You too, thanks.” Alex smiled, then placed the Pokemon back into her belt. She raced out the door and into the city, looking around for Luna’s house.

Alex handed Luna her Totodile’s Pokeball. “So you caught Mudkip?”

“Yep. It’s right here.” She showed Luna Mudkip’s Pokeball.

“Cool...hey! Maybe we could battle, my Totodile against your Mudkip! Do you want to?”

“...I dunno, your Totodile let me capture this Mudkip...”

“It’s probably gained experience from its match with you.”

“.....Okay, fine. It’s not like I have anything better to do today. But first, let’s go to Route 118. We can’t battle here, anyways.

LATER.....

Alex and Luna were positioned a few feet from one another, their feet slowly, slowly sinking into the sand. The coastal breeze helped calm their battle scene.

“Go, Totodile!”

“Go, Mudkip!”

The Pokemon leaped out of their Pokeballs.

“Toto dile!”

“Mudkip.”

They both landed, but they each noticed something about this battle...

Mudkip got close to Totodile and whispered, “Do you know why we’re battling?”

“No...I just know that Pokemon Trainers love battling with their Pokemon. We might have been pitted in combat just for fun.”

“I don’t like being in the fray.” The mud-skipper looked down in dismay.

“Don’t worry, Mudkip.”

“Huh...?” He looked up at the crocodile.

“After a while back there...I have to say, I like battling others. You’re gonna have to if you want to go home.” Totodile’s expression as not his usual cheery side but, rather, serious and mellow, with a touch of sorrow in his eyes. He held out his hand. “Mudkip?”

“What?” He looked up from the sand.

“Mudkip...this time, I want us to have a real match. I want you to try.” The crocodile started to shed tears. “And it doesn’t matter who wins, as long as one of us tries our best!” He sniffled, then stood quiet for a moment. Mudkip stared at him, motionless, until he finally replied, rubbing his eye, “That’s why we show it by shaking hands.”

“Show what?”

“That the battle’s going to be fair, and you’re going to fight me fair and square. So, let’s shake on it.”

Mudkip shed tears with Totodile. “Totodile.....”

From the looks of it, Totodile was a very nice and caring Pokemon. Could Mudkip really get close to him without losing him? He’d lost his parents, his family...would he lose Totodile? He said he was with a different Trainer earlier, somebody he called Luna. Would she whisk him away, never to be seen again? Mudkip so dearly wished to shake hands with this Pokemon, this friend, but he couldn’t get himself to. Why? Why couldn’t he? Then he realized, his life might have had a purpose, and that purpose was befriending Totodile.

The two shook hands.

“Good luck out there, Mudkip.”

“You, too.” They both backed up next to their respective Trainers.

BATTLE START!

“Totodile, use Ice Fang!”

“Mudkip, dodge it and use Whirlpool!”

“Toto!” Totodile ran forward, the air around his mouth getting cold and absorbing moisture. Through this process of deep-freezing the humidity in the air, he was able to use Ice Fang!

“Mud!” Mudkip shivered in fright. Could he really dodge this?

“To...DILE!” Totodile caught the mud-skipper in his teeth, its back pierced with cold and needle-like fangs. Totodile bit down hard, almost letting out blood, before Mudkip could even attempt a Whirlpool.

“Mudkip, get out of there!” Alex was worried about Mudkip’s health.

Within seconds, Mudkip was able to slap Totodile with his tail, releasing his grip on him.

“You’re right, Totodile...I kind of like the fray, too.” Mudkip smirked.

“Kiiiiip!” He shot out a torrent of water from his mouth. It spiraled and twisted, as if it were a water tornado, and enveloped the crocodile.

“Totodile! Get out of there, Totodile!” Luna wanted to rush into battle and yank him out, but you can’t do that in Pokemon battles. It’s between the Pokemon, not the humans.

“Toto, toto!” He struggled and waved his arms, but the rushing Whirlpool kept sucking him in and crushing him with pressure.

“Now, use Take Down!” Alex commanded her Pokemon.

“Mud!” The mud-skipper smiled, then charged towards the Whirlpool. Where was Totodile hiding inside? Once again, Mudkip could only hope...he could only hope to hit him, to go home...why hadn’t he gone home already? It was just off of the coastline. Was it his connection, his bond, his friendship...with Totodile?

Mudkip charged through the Whirlpool...but he didn’t hit Totodile! “Kip...?”

“TO!!!!!” Totodile leaped out from the Whirlpool, which was slowly decreasing in size.

“Quick, use Crunch!” Luna pointed forwards.

With great speed, Totodile Crunched down on Mudkip, leaving more wounds than he had before, when he used Ice Fang. Fighting others was fun...but being fought wasn’t. Mudkip’s body ached all over. Yet, he was determined to win.

“Mudkip...this time, I want us to have a real match. I want you to try.” The crocodile started to shed tears. “And it doesn’t matter who wins, as long as one of us tries our best!

Those were the words spoken by Totodile just before their battle began. Totodile was certainly trying his best. Was Mudkip trying his best?

“Mudkip!”

“Kip!” Mudkip turned to Alex, his eyes stained with pain.

“You can make it through this, I know it.” Alex gave a nice, friendly smile.

This smile...was this really a new friendship? A new friendship between a Pokemon and his Trainer? Now that Mudkip thought about it, battling against Pokemon was just what he would be doing in the ocean. Battling was a part of life, and whether he was captured or not, he would still have to face it. Suddenly, Mudkip saw his destiny; his destiny was to be captured and raised, to battle and be battled. No matter where he was or who his guardian was, he would battle. That must have been the situation. Because a Trainer this kind wouldn’t force anybody like him into battle for nothing. Alex had to have a reason for this. Unbeknownst to the Pokemon, their destiny could have been peaceful, without battle, without suffering. This was the only life Mudkip had, and it might have been the only life he ever had; a life in combat.

At that moment, even in the deepest of pain, Mudkip was able to manage a smile...

“Totodile, use Ice Fang!” In an instant, Totodile’s sharp teeth were covered in ice.

“Kiip!” Mudkip struggled. He could hardly move under this pressure, and even if his limbs were free the pain might stop him.

“Mudkip!” Alex got the sudden urge to step into battle, but she only jerked her leg forward before pulling it back. “Use Mud Slap!”

Of course! Why couldn’t Mudkip think of it before? Slapping mud into the enemy’s face would stun him for a while, giving him a chance for an attack! It could easily give him the upper hand.

Quickly, he scraped off some damp sand from the ground, then flung it into Totodile’s face. “Mudkip!”

“Tooo!” The crocodile pulled his jaws away from the mud-skipper’s body, taking the time to rub out the sand in his eyes. His eyes seemed to be completely covered in the stuff.

“Now, use Take Down!!”

Mudkip stood up on the sandy ground, determined to win. His smile had never left his face, but now it looked more like a smirk. “Mud!” he said, charging towards Totodile. As he charged into him, Mudkip shouted, “Kip!”

“Toto dile!” The crocodile had been swept off of his feet and into the ground from the force of the blow, skidding for a while and bringing up dust clouds. Mudkip landed, having taken some damage but still on his feet.

It was clear that the battle had ended, and Mudkip had won.

“Good work, Totodile.”

“You were great out there, Mudkip!”

Luna and Alex sat near the coastline, petting and hugging their Pokemon. Just earlier, they had been taken to and healed at the Mauville Pokemon Center.

Luna, her legs crossed, asked, “You feel alright now?”

“Dile, dile!” Totodile cheerily answered, standing beside her.

Legs stretched out in front of her, Alex said, “Ya’ wanna talk to Totodile?”

“Mudkip,” her teammate nodded, his face now neutral. He hopped off of Alex’s legs and approached the crocodile.

“Hey, Totodile.”

“Huh?” He walked in front of Mudkip.

Mudkip held out his front leg. “I tried my best.”

“...Me too...” Totodile held out his hand.

“.....Good game.” The Pokemon shook hands.

“Heh, same to you. That was a good comeback back there.”

“.........”

“What’s wrong, Mudkip?”

“It’s just that...my real home is in the ocean.”

“Yeah...”

Mudkip looked to the shining, blue waters nearby. “I know my parents are waiting for me down there, somewhere. Being with them again...being with them would mean so much to me.”

Totodile put his hand on Mudkip’s back. “Go back.”

“...B-b-but-”

“If you miss your family that much...then do it! If a Trainer can follow his passion, then a Pokemon can, too!”

“Y-you don’t understand...”

“What is it? What happened?”

“.....It’s you...I don’t want to leave you!” Tears began to shed from his eyes, dripping down onto the sand below. “Our bond isn’t so strong yet, but from spending time with you, I know...I know I want to get to know you. You’re a nice person, you really are.” He sniffled before saying, “And Alex, my Trainer.....I don’t know how, but I feel a strong connection with her already. She smiled at me in our battle, and it told me...it told my instincts that, maybe, I should go with this person, with this Trainer. Maybe I shouldn’t go back.”

“.....I don’t know what to say, Mudkip. Do what your heart tells you.”

“...That sounds like something I’ve heard before...deja vu?”

“I don’t care, just do it!

“.......” In just a second or two, Mudkip was sprinting off into the ocean.

Alex instantly stood up and ran for him. “Mudkip!”

Mudkip stopped at the coast, where his feet barely touched the tides. Still sobbing and now turned to his Trainer, he cried, “Kip!”

“Alex!” Luna got up on her feet, running to Alex’s aid. She stopped behind her.

“To toto! To dile!” Totodile stood in place, shouting. “Remember what I said! Follow your heart!”

The whole time, Mudkip was thinking, Follow my heart...follow my heart...

Mudkip jumped, but in which direction?

“MUDKIP!!!”
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  #3  
Old 07-31-2008, 04:12 AM
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Default Re: Gone Fishing

Pokemon Attempting to Capture: Mudkip
Characters Needed: 20,000 to 30,000
Charcters With Spaces: 27,977
Charcters Without Spaces: 22,935

Ready for grading!

-----

AFTERMATH

"MUDKIP!!!" Alex hollered in joy as the Pokemon leaped into her arms, rejecting the ocean for his Trainer whom he felt so close to. She held Mudkip closer to her face, snuggling with him a little.

"Mudkip! You didn't wanna go back?" Totodile stepped towards the two, but before he could hear an answer Luna opened her Pokeball, sucking him in.

Afterwards, Luna took a few steps forward and asked, "Don't you need a name for it? I know I didn't name my Totodile, but..."

Alex almost instantly replied, "I know what I'll call him. I'll call him Skip."

Mudkip started to cry, but tried his best to keep his tears to himself. So Skip is my name...I've never had a name before...

"Now let's go home. Return." Alex let Mudkip onto the brown sand, then the Pokeball swallowed Skip. This time he wasn't at all afraid; he was excited, excited for what may come in the future for him and Alexandra.
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Last edited by Kendo; 08-07-2008 at 04:16 AM.
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Old 08-07-2008, 02:30 AM
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Default Re: Gone Fishing [Summer Story Comp after grading]

Kendo asked me personally to grade this, so I obliged.

Introduction:
Your introduction was fine, but only really on par with what it should be. The main thing I would have liked to see is a better description of the main character. Here, you only described her hair color, age, and the color and kind of pants she was wearing. That's not exactly conducive to the reader getting a clear image of Alex in their mind's eyes. I can tell you now, I know a lot of girls around age 20 who have brown hair and wear blue jeans. I got no picture whatsoever of Alex in my mind.

You did, however, describe who Alex is well. You told me she was a writer, and that she wanted more Pokemon, among other things. The other thing an introduction is supposed to do is provide a good segway into the story's plot, which you did when Alex's friend came over to visit. Overall, what your introduction really needed was a better visual on Alex and her surroundings, which I was also not able to see from what you told me.

Story/Plot:
Alex, a trainer and writer, wants more Pokemon. After hearing how her good friend caught a Totodile by fishing, she decides to try and captures a Mudkip. The mud fish Pokemon is traumatized and misses its family. Then it meets Totodile, and is unsure whether it wants to go back home because it would miss Totodile.

There are a few good points to this plot, as well as a few bad ones. I'll start with the bad. I'll put it bluntly, the story was a bit dull. The first half was just your average, "Trainer goes out to try and catch a Pokemon" story, that really provides no entertainment or suspense. The story lacked plot twists that might have made it exciting. The second half was a bit more imaginative, but really only consisted of Mudkip and Totodile talking about Mudkip's trauma and the battle between the two trainers, neither of which is all that exciting, either.

Now, before I get my head bitten off, I'll go into the good points that I'd like to make. The storyline in which Mudkip struggles with the loss of its family is very original, and I don't think I've ever read a story which goes into that aspect of a Pokemon's separation from its natural environment. While you lost a few excitement points from the lack of real plot twists and suspense, you got some originality points for writing part of this story from Mudkip's point of view and showing its emotions so well.

Detail/Description:
I went into this a bit earlier when I told you I couldn't picture your main character. Unfortunately, I was barely able to envision anything else, if at all. You seem to have abandoned visual details to a more descriptive look at emotional feelings, mostly Mudkip's. While your emphasis on thoughts and emotions isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially with the storyline you created, you need to make sure you also describe everything so the reader (Me!) can see everything as it happens. Where you did use visual details, they were few and far between, and you often used just a sentence to describe large setting or objects that could have been embellished upon greatly.

I say this to many of the people I grade stories for, and I'll say it to you as well. Besides allowing the reader to see the story's events with a clear picture, the next most important reason you need to include elaborate descriptions is that they really slow down the action. I know I and many others have a tendency to read a bit fast, and if I accidentally skim over a sentence that was your only description of an object or something a character is doing, I'll might end up with no clue of what's going on. It's much, much harder to skim over a nice, long paragraph like that, and it really shouldn't be too hard to turn many of your sentence-long descriptions into long paragraphs. Case in point:
Quote:
Alex tapped her foot in anticipation for Luna to open the door. She stood in front of a small, brown and quaint-looking house. I might like to live in this kind of house, she thought, gazing at the clouds and doing random stuff on her Pokedex. Huh...wonder what Growlithe's entry is?
Take a look at this paragraph. There's just one sentence describing Luna's house... Well, two, actually, but the subsequent sentence really describes Alex's taste in architecture more than the house. But anyway, look how you might have expanded this description greatly:
Quote:
Alex tapped her foot in anticipation for Luna to open the polished oak door. She stood in front of her friend's small house, painted a brown color that reminded Alex of the wet sand on the shoreline of Route 118. The house's chocolate-colored shutters rattled slightly in the wind that whistled through nearby trees. I might like to live in this kind of house, Alex thought, gazing at the puffy clouds in the bright, sapphire-colored sky and playing with the buttons on her Pokedex. Huh... wonder what Growlithe's entry is...
It's about twice the length of your original paragraph. But even then, there's always more room for descriptions. Remember, just because you've got a perfect picture of something in your mind, your reader won't unless you put all of those details down on the paper. This was probably the section that could've used the most work in your story.

Grammar/Spelling:
I didn't look at your grammar as much as I usually do when I grade stories, but whatever. Here's what I did see:
Quote:
On this particular day, Alex was relaxing at home, 20-year old female with brown hair, blue jeans and nothing to do.
Here, you made one large grammatical mistake that could have been fixed a couple of different ways. This is probably the best way to change it:
Quote:
On this particular day, Alex, a 20-year old female with brown hair and blue jeans, was relaxing at home with nothing to do.
Next:
Quote:
Around him, trees and Berry plants surrounded him.
First of all, 'berry plants' probably shouldn't be capitalized. Secondly, saying "Around him... surrounded him" is redundant. The best way to fix it is to take out the "Around him."

Length: You get a golden sticker for the length. Yay.

Battle: I'm kinda iffy on your battle. You elected not to end the story with it, as is tradition, but I can excuse that because you at least included a battle with the Pokemon you intend to capture, and because of the way the story is structured. However, I found that it was a bit lax on description. It wasn't really two-sided, as it should've been, but again, that's part of the story, and you did have a more balanced battle later on. So, my biggest problem with your battles was that you didn't describe the attacks as much as I would have liked.

As I mentioned earlier, one of the most important reasons for description is that it slows the action down, and that most certainly applies here. You should describe every attack in excessive detail so the reader can see it going on. That makes it much more exciting to 'witness' and will be a huge saving grace in stories where the rest is only so-so, at least in my book.

Overall: I'm going to give you the Mudkip, but with a severe wet-noodle-lashing. Be sure to include more detail in the other stories you write. While this plot was certainly original, you could have molded it in a way that would make it a lot more exciting, because there was very little suspense. Mudkip captured! but strive for a little better next time. Enjoy the mud fish.
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Last edited by Elrond; 08-07-2008 at 02:33 AM.
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  #5  
Old 08-07-2008, 04:08 AM
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Default Re: Gone Fishing [Summer Story Comp after grading]

Thank you, Nobodys_Nerd!

I understand what you were saying about the description, the suspense, and the grammar, but in battle I think slowing the action down would take out some of the emotion put into the story. Say something used Tackle and you were forced to read a lengthy paragraph about exactly how the attack made the sand fly and sent the enemy flying, how the force of it even sent the user flying, ect. It could distract the reader from what's going on. That's my opinion, anyways.

I agree on most everything else you said, and I'll try my best to improve later on. Thanks for the feedback!
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