The introduction was a nice opening to the story, however it lacks description. Try and flesh out the introduction, describing the scenery, the features of the character, their clothes etc. The introduction is the part of the story which catches reader’s eyes if they are looking through the story. A good introduction will keep them hooked. However, you did a nice job for your first story.
Brandon is walking down a dirt road with his Pikachu on their way to Littlerock and they meet a girl named Elizabeth, Brandon’s Pikachu accidentally fires a Thunderbolt into the woods, and a swarm of Beedrill attack the group. Your plot is original in a sense, though at the same time it is not original. Many stories contain woods, and this is overused quite a bit. The setting is also quite bland as you don’t describe the scenery and set out the area. To improve on this, you could try and play with ideas in your head of what you want the plot to be.
The Dialogue is alright, however there are several mistakes in the dialogue, such as the misspelling of our, as well as speechless. To improve on the dialogue, try and expand it, by displaying the tones of voice the characters are using, are they replying calmly, or shouting in fury?
“Brandon, get over it already. It happened, you dealt with it, there was some mayhem caused by ouir arrival, but you should have gotten through it.”
Only one problem with this speech, and that is our is misspelt as ouir.
You have misspelt the word Speechless in your sentence.
To improve your grammar, try and use a spellchecker to help you stop slight mistypes or mistakes in words. The way you have laid out your story is quite hard to read, and would of helped if you had spaced it out more. Also, when somebody speaks, that is in itself its own paragraph, then you have a new paragraph for the non-speech, such as when there is a change of topic, and also when a new person speaks you have a new paragraph for every change in the speaker, so if Person A says something, then Person B speaks, those are two paragraphs, and if Person A speaks again that is another paragraph.
Your story lacks detail, and detail is a very good thing to have for a story as it helps provide the reader with a picture of what is going on, and the scenery. Detail also helps add more to the story, for example, is the dirt road worn down from many people traversing it, or is it a slick dirt path, having hardly been used? Describe the colours of the scenery vividly.
The battle was quite short, however battles aren’t the mainstay of a story. In preference, I would of liked to see more battle as battles need to be two-sided instead of your Pokemon launches some attacks, they hit, the Pokemon is down, attempt at capture. Try and span out the battle, and try and bring the scenery into battle, does one of the Pokemon use the scenery to their advantage?
Your length falls short of the 3,000-5,000 limit, however you do not need to rely on length if the story is descriptive etc. To improve on your length, expand on the detail, the battle, and make sure you don’t get any mistakes and your story can easily fall into the quota of the range.