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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-30-2008, 10:14 PM
Ken 19948's Avatar
Ken 19948 Offline
 
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Default Unreasonable Beedrill!

READY

-----------------------------
Brandon walked down a dirt road on the way to Littlerock. His newly obtained Pikachu, Rose, sat on his head and began to drift off into a slightly deep sleep.
"You know Rose, i still haven't felt the shock that any normal person would have endured in this situation. I mean come on-" He was cut off by a voice that did not belong to anyone in his area, or so he thought.
"Brandon, get over it already. It happened, you dealt with it, there was some mayhem caused by ouir arrival, but you should have alreay gotten through it." Brandon looked around searching for the owner of the voice. He suddenly realized that the owner of the voice, was infact, Rose. Brandon felt like he should have said something like a snappy comeback, but he was just to deep in thought to pay it any attention.
"Speachless huh? I know how you feel, the very first person i met freaked out to and tased me with a taser. Oh my god it hurt so bad!" Brandon continued to keep to himself during Rose's ranting session. Why did this happen? How did this happen? My family and I, and the whole world, were just minding our own business when pokeballs started to rain down from the sky. Including the buildings that had been remodeled before this happened. Quite a few buildings were converted into Pokemon Centers and Pokemarts. Only a handfull were turned into gyms and Pokemon Leagues. I am so happy that Pokemon came into existance but- At that moment a pink and black blurr flew past Brandon, taking Rose with it. WHen the dust the the unknown creature left cleared, a girl stood there holding Rose.
"Oh my gosh it's so cute! What is it's name? Did you name it? When did you get it?" Rose rolled her eyes.
"Two things. One, why are you asking so many questions? Two, I am asking the questions!" On that note ROse jumped out of her arms and charged up her Thunderbolt attack. Slightly shocked, the girl hesiitated, allowing the attack to charge to great porportions.
" I-I am Elizabeth. You can call me Lizzy." Brando sighed and called Rose off.
"Alright Rose, you can stop the attack. Rose winced as the attack grew even more stronger.
"I can't stop it! Watch out!" Rose released the stored electrical power and blew quite a bit of the nearby forest away. The trio soon heard a loud buzzing sound coming torward them. Beedrill carrying Weedle flew over the hill charging the group.
"Rose! Use Thunder!" Rose nodded and let an explosive wave of electricity out of her body and attacked the horde of bug pokemon. In a mighty explosion Beedrill and Weedle alike were injured. Leaving one of their Weedle behind, the horde escaped into the dusk.
"Oh don't fail me now Pokeball!" Brandon tossed a Pokeball at the nearly unconscious Weedle and awaited the outcome.
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Last edited by Ken 19948; 06-30-2008 at 11:06 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:05 AM
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Default Re: Unreasonable Beedrill!

Introduction
The introduction was a nice opening to the story, however it lacks description. Try and flesh out the introduction, describing the scenery, the features of the character, their clothes etc. The introduction is the part of the story which catches reader’s eyes if they are looking through the story. A good introduction will keep them hooked. However, you did a nice job for your first story.


Plot
Brandon is walking down a dirt road with his Pikachu on their way to Littlerock and they meet a girl named Elizabeth, Brandon’s Pikachu accidentally fires a Thunderbolt into the woods, and a swarm of Beedrill attack the group. Your plot is original in a sense, though at the same time it is not original. Many stories contain woods, and this is overused quite a bit. The setting is also quite bland as you don’t describe the scenery and set out the area. To improve on this, you could try and play with ideas in your head of what you want the plot to be.


Dialogue
The Dialogue is alright, however there are several mistakes in the dialogue, such as the misspelling of our, as well as speechless. To improve on the dialogue, try and expand it, by displaying the tones of voice the characters are using, are they replying calmly, or shouting in fury?

Grammar
Quote:
“Brandon, get over it already. It happened, you dealt with it, there was some mayhem caused by ouir arrival, but you should have gotten through it.”
Only one problem with this speech, and that is our is misspelt as ouir.
Quote:
“Speachless huh?
You have misspelt the word Speechless in your sentence.
To improve your grammar, try and use a spellchecker to help you stop slight mistypes or mistakes in words. The way you have laid out your story is quite hard to read, and would of helped if you had spaced it out more. Also, when somebody speaks, that is in itself its own paragraph, then you have a new paragraph for the non-speech, such as when there is a change of topic, and also when a new person speaks you have a new paragraph for every change in the speaker, so if Person A says something, then Person B speaks, those are two paragraphs, and if Person A speaks again that is another paragraph.



Detail
Your story lacks detail, and detail is a very good thing to have for a story as it helps provide the reader with a picture of what is going on, and the scenery. Detail also helps add more to the story, for example, is the dirt road worn down from many people traversing it, or is it a slick dirt path, having hardly been used? Describe the colours of the scenery vividly.



Battle
The battle was quite short, however battles aren’t the mainstay of a story. In preference, I would of liked to see more battle as battles need to be two-sided instead of your Pokemon launches some attacks, they hit, the Pokemon is down, attempt at capture. Try and span out the battle, and try and bring the scenery into battle, does one of the Pokemon use the scenery to their advantage?


Length
Your length falls short of the 3,000-5,000 limit, however you do not need to rely on length if the story is descriptive etc. To improve on your length, expand on the detail, the battle, and make sure you don’t get any mistakes and your story can easily fall into the quota of the range.



Spoiler:
Outcome
The story was a nice one for your first attempt at writing one, however, the story lacked in several departments in my view, such as the battle as I have said, detail, the introduction and the grammar could be improved. Weedle Captured. However, when you next write a story, please try and improve on the fundamentals of the story which I mentioned previously and who knows what is possible?
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Credit to Neo Pikachu for the avatar.

Last edited by Kaioo; 09-27-2010 at 04:03 PM.
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