Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 06-20-2008, 02:21 PM
katiekitten's Avatar
katiekitten Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Av by RedEeveeMaster
Posts: 464
Default Oblivion

A quick note before we start - expect a lot of these random little oneshots. x3 I'm practicing. xD




oblivion


It should have been raining.


That single thought had haunted her since she’d first stepped out into the burning sunshine, shards of sunlight splintering into thousands of glistening, gleaming splinters that lanced down unrelenting, slipping like golden daggers into her bare arms, her pale, unprotected cheeks and forehead, digging slowly under her skin like heaven’s thorns as she stood, and watched, silent, as the slow shadows crept from the mountain’s feet to the streets of Goldenrod. Their steady march marked the end of the otherwise normal day: the sun rising and falling, the moon and stars, the bright Milky Way gleaming unnoticed behind the sun’s bright veil in the universe beyond, simply existing in the way that had awed astronomers for centuries. Without sentience, and without care, unknowing that this very hour, of sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds and a thousand heart beats, was finally going to be the last.

The end of days.

Pale eyes glimmered with unshed tears, the tracks of the already fallen still drying on her cheeks as she raised a single, slightly shaking hand to her forehead to brush away an awry strand of auburn hair. A reflex action, she noted numbly, thoughts trickling dully through her mind as it struggled to combat the residue shock that lingered despite itself, thawing in freezing, silent drops into a quiet fear that felt lack-lustre in the face of what she knew was coming. Useless. She smiled wryly at thought, pulling her hand away and holding it millimetres away from her nose, studying every contour of her fingerprints, mentally tracing the veins that weaved across the back of her hands, everything that made her human, real, and irrevocably weak.

She had only had one task in life.

And she’d failed.

She blinked, a single tear clinging to the edge of her eyelashes as her throat constricted once more with withheld emotion, and she looked out at the world, at the casual chatting of passing teenagers on the way to the Dairy Queen after school, the teasingly mocking calls of the market sellers to each other about the other’s wares as they lounged beside their stalls; the crotchety old man sitting at a park table playing chess with himself. All of them so carefree, oblivious. All of them having unwittingly placed their lives in the hands of a scared, fragile, twelve year-old girl, only to have her lose them all in a single lapse of judgement, a simple mistake; their entire world to be shredded with it.

It was her fault.

It was her fault and the guilt that knowledge brought almost tore her up from the inside.

She wrapped her arms around herself and slumped back against the wall, letting her weight drag her down, heedless of the way the cinnamon colored paint scraped the soft skin of her back, the pain prickling at the edges of her consciousness as she huddled at the side of the pokemon center, crouched at the edge of the garden the nurses used daily to ‘walk’ their patients. The grass was crisp and green beneath her, tickling the undersides of her thighs under her crumpled white skirt and she closed her eyes, savouring the texture of the blades beneath her, taking the time to memorise the feel of the purity and grace of life as she waited for judgement day.


It really should have rained.


end.


x3 Just proving to myself that I can.
__________________


Banner by me. Image used in banner by sakimichan on subeta. Character is mine. =3



Yoru Ryu ~ Rar-roX

Last edited by katiekitten; 08-08-2008 at 10:55 PM. Reason: The title. xD
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-20-2008, 02:48 PM
Trainer_Trevor's Avatar
Trainer_Trevor Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: The Johto Region
Posts: 103
Default Re: Oblivion

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiekitten View Post
A quick note before we start - expect a lot of these random little oneshots. x3 I'm practicing. xD




oblivion


It should have been raining.


That single thought had haunted her since she’d first stepped out into the burning sunshine, shards of sunlight splintering into thousands of glistening, gleaming shards that lanced down unrelenting, slipping like golden daggers into her bare arms, her pale, unprotected cheeks and forehead; digging slowly under her skin like heaven’s thorns as she stood, and watched, silent, as the slow shadows crept from the mountain’s feet to the streets of Goldenrod. Their steady march marked the end of the otherwise normal day: the sun rising and falling; the moon and stars, the bright Milky Way gleaming unnoticed behind the sun’s bright veil in the universe beyond, simply existing in the way that had awed astronomers for centuries. Without sentient, and without care, unknowing that this very hour, of sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds and a thousand heart beats, was finally going to be the last.

The end of days.

Pale eyes glimmered with unshed tears, the tracks of the already fallen still drying on her cheeks as she raised a single, slightly shaking hand to her forehead to brush away an awry strand of auburn hair. A reflex action, she noted numbly, thoughts trickling dully through her mind as it struggled to combat the residue shock that lingered despite itself, thawing in freezing, silent drops into a quiet fear that felt lack-lustre in the face of what she knew was coming. Useless. She smiled wryly at thought, pulling her hand away and holding it millimetres away from her nose, studying every contour of her fingerprints, mentally tracing the veins that weaved across the back of her hands, everything that made her human, real, and irrevocably weak.

She had only had one task in life.

And she’d failed.

She blinked, a single tear clinging to the edge of her eyelashes as her throat constricted once more with withheld emotion, and she looked out at the world, at the casual chatting of passing teenagers on the way to the Dairy Queen after school, the teasingly mocking calls of the market sellers to each other about the other’s wares as they lounged beside their stalls; the crotchety old man sitting at a park table playing chess with himself. All of them so carefree, oblivious. All of them having unwittingly placed their lives in the hands of a scared, fragile, twelve year-old girl, only to have her lose them all in a single lapse of judgement, a simple mistake; their entire world to be shredded with it.

It was her fault.

It was her fault and the guilt that knowledge brought almost tore her up from the inside.

She wrapped her arms around herself and slumped back against the wall, letting her weight drag her down, heedless of the way the cinnamon colored paint scraped the soft skin of her back, the pain prickling at the edges of her consciousness as she huddled at the side of the pokemon center, crouched at the edge of the garden the nurses used daily to ‘walk’ their patients. The grass was crisp and green beneath her, tickling the undersides of her thighs under her crumpled white skirt and she closed her eyes, savouring the texture of the blades beneath her, taking the time to memorise the feel of the purity and grace of life as she waited for judgement day.


It really should have rained.


end.


x3 Just proving to myself that I can.
I read this on Serebii I'm Legend of Lucario

Its good but a little short though. I don't think its a problem though
__________________

Chapter One Is Up!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-20-2008, 03:00 PM
katiekitten's Avatar
katiekitten Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Av by RedEeveeMaster
Posts: 464
Default Re: Oblivion

xD Legend! *glomphug* x3 Again, my apologies for the length. I'll work on making it longer next time. 'Tis a promise. :3
__________________


Banner by me. Image used in banner by sakimichan on subeta. Character is mine. =3



Yoru Ryu ~ Rar-roX
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-22-2008, 09:00 AM
Larvinator's Avatar
Larvinator Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,140
Send a message via AIM to Larvinator Send a message via Skype™ to Larvinator
Default Re: Oblivion

Your description is top-notch, first of all. Absolutely amazing. The creative use of metaphors (I don't think I've ever heard "heaven's thorns" used to describe sunlight) and excellent word choice made it so easy to see the scene and a whole lot more. The only thing I can dig up here is you using "shards" twice in a sentence in the first paragraph. I salute you for your vivid imagery.

I'm not going to complain about the plot for things that it's not supposed to be, like not knowing what exactly the end of the world is, or who the girl is; that's like criticizing a romance novel for not having enough action. I think the plot was taking a backseat to the description, but that was your intention, so, meh.

Grammar...hm, a few things I noticed. "Without sentient" doesn't work; sentient is an adjective, not a noun. The correct way to do that would be "Without sentience". Your sentences were also stretched out a lot, and sometimes so long that it was hard to remember what it had started out as in the first place. You also abused semicolons; they're only supposed to be used when the next sentence can stand alone.
Quote:
her pale, unprotected cheeks and forehead; digging slowly under her skin like heaven’s thorns as she stood, and watched
See, the problem here is that the second sentence is a fragment when taken alone.
Quote:
Digging slowly under her skin like heaven's thorns as she stood, and watched
See how that sounds weird? A comma would be a much better option there. You also misused semicolons in a couple other places. They're tricky little buggers.

Um, wow. Hope I helped. I totally blame it being two in the morning for my random long review.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by The KKK Official Site
The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church".
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-08-2008, 10:57 PM
katiekitten's Avatar
katiekitten Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Av by RedEeveeMaster
Posts: 464
Default Re: Oblivion

I am really sorry for my late response - and thank you, Larvinator! I'm glad you liked it, despite the description overload. xD; Fixed the doubled 'shard' and the other points you picked out - and curse that blasted semi-colon. *headesk* xD

Thank you again, hun! *piles over with cookies*
__________________


Banner by me. Image used in banner by sakimichan on subeta. Character is mine. =3



Yoru Ryu ~ Rar-roX
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:30 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com