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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-28-2010, 01:20 PM
Neltharion_deathwing's Avatar
Neltharion_deathwing Offline
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Default ~Pika Vs Karp~ (Ready for grading)

Mon: Magikarp
Level: Simplest
Characters: 5217

“Here Nel, make sure you make full use of this old rod,” said a kind old voice. He was Uncle Mike, an old retired fisherman whom I had known after several visits to the lake. Already at the age of sixty, he had plenty of white hair above his head and white beard and moustache on his face. On sunny days, he would always have a red cap over his head and would be sitting by the side of lake, relaxed and waiting for bites.

“Thank you, Uncle Mike!” I answered gratefully and got the rod from him. Uncle Mike then gave me a pat on the head before standing up to open up the spare umbrella he had with him to shield me from the Sun while I sat down beside him to fish.

“What Pokemons can we expect to see here, Uncle Mike?” I asked politely, excited at my first experience of fishing, while looking at Uncle Mike.

“Well for starters, there are always the Magikarps. You know those red fishes that you always see splashing about near the surface of the water,” replied Uncle Mike, closing his eyes and lying down on the chair he brought with him.

“You think I will be able to catch them?” I continued my questions like a newborn baby eager to know more about the world.

“You definitely need a Pokemon and some Pokeballs to even think about it, you know?” answered Uncle Mike in a relaxed fashion. It was not the first time I was bombarding him with questions so he was naturally used to it.

“I have them, you know! My Pika can definitely win them!” I replied with a pretty agitated tone. I had just received a Pokemon two days ago from the Professor living near my house. It was a yellow mouse-like Pokemon, had two red cheeks on its face and a rather jagged black and yellow tail. What was more fascinating about it was that it could shoot electrical volts out of its cheeks.

“Yes yes, I do not doubt that my boy. In fact, I can’t imagine any Pokemon actually losing to a Magikarp,” said Uncle Mike with a chuckle, which I did not understand why.

“Why did…” I was just about to ask another question when all of a sudden my fishing rod started shaking.

“Uncle Mike, what’s happening?” I asked frantically, shocked at what was happening.

“Hohoho, you got a bite!” replied a still relaxed Uncle Mike, with more chuckles.

I struggled to grab hold of the rod which seemed like it could break anytime. Whatever was pulling it was definitely putting up a good fight. I tired to peek at what was pulling it but all I could see were just relentless splashing of water at where the end of the line was.

“Pull it in with all your might, boy! Don’t let it win you!” encouraged Uncle Mike. He probably wanted me to do everything myself.

With all ounces of strength I had in me, I breathed in and pulled as hard as I could. Then, to my pleasant surprise, the fish was finally lifted out of the water and thrown into the air. It was a red colored fish with two yellow whiskers trailing down from either side of its face.

“There’s your Magikarp,” said Uncle Mike, now watching and waiting for me to battle it as the red fish landed onto the ground, leaving a puddle of water near it.

“Go Pika!” I shouted, summoning the yellow Pikachu out from its ball which appeared after a bright flash of red light. The capsule then got shut, causing the red light to disappear as well.

“Pika!” cried the yellow mouse Pokemon, eager for its first battle.

“Thundershock!” I commanded. This was the only offensive move the Professor told me Pikachu know at the moment. He added that with more battling experience, Pikachu would be able to do more than just Thundershock.

“Pikapika!” answered an excited Pikachu as it stored up electrical power within it and fired a bright yellow electrical energy straight at the Magikarp. The electrical energy which travelled at quite a high speed, hit the Magikarp straight on, causing pain evident from how Magikarp was shutting its eyes and trying to tolerate the pain.

“KARP!” cried a furious Magikarp as it suddenly sprung to action and started dashing towards Pikachu in a bouncing way of motion.

“Careful my boy, you would not want to mess around with a Magikarp which knows Flail, especially since you just damage it with an electric move,” said Uncle Mike.

“Dodge it, Pika!” I commanded immediately, considering Uncle Mike’s words.

Upon hearing the command, Pika too sprung into action. With its nimble and quick feet, it jumped to its left just when the Magikarp was about to collide onto it. But the Magikarp was not going to let Pikachu off that easily. Still angry over what had happened earlier, it jumped to its right quickly and Tackled a surprised Pikachu.

Pikachu was pushed some distance by the impact and strength of the Magikarp and suffered some bruises. Still it was able to pick itself up and continue the battle.

“Hang tough! Use another Thundershock!” I commanded again. Pikachu concentrated again on its move, preparing to fire another jolt of electrical energy on Magikarp.

“KARP KARP!!” cried out a Magikarp, eager to distract the Pikachu and not let it another chance to deal itself some damage. Moving at a fair rate of speed, it dashed towards Pikachu again.

“NO!” I shouted out, as I saw the Magikarp approaching closer towards Pikachu.

Pikachu, though, did not seem to be bothered by it too much. Just when Magikarp was about to reach it, Pikachu suddenly stood up on its tail. I stood there, dumbfounded, not realizing what Pikachu was about to do.

“Hohoho!” Uncle Mike chuckled out loudly, probably knowing what was about to come next and obviously impressed.

Pikachu then jumped using its tail and once it was over Magikarp’s head, released all the electrical energy it had stored within it straight at the Magikarp from above. Shocked by Pikachu’s sudden jump, and shocked by its move, the Magikarp soon lost all its strength and will to fight. It was too exhausted, barely able to even splash about anymore.

“This is your chance, Nel,” said Uncle Mike as he went back to his chair and closed his eyes again.

“Go Pokeball!” I exclaimed, still surprised at my Pikachu’s ability to come up with something like that on its own, while throwing an empty ball at the Magikarp. The ball hit the Magikarp and opened up. A red light appeared from within it and shrouded the Magikarp in it as it sucked it into the ball. The ball closed and fell to the ground, shaking with the core of ball flashing red as I eagerly waited for the result.
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Old 09-17-2010, 09:08 AM
Ataro's Avatar
Ataro Offline
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Default Re: ~Pika Vs Karp~ (Ready for grading)

Blah, this is gonna be short. And how long did you wait ._.

Story/Plot: Well, fishing. Common plot, but seriously, it's a Magikarp. I like how you didn't attempt to add in irrelevant introductions since many people tend to do that to increase their length. They have like a huge side story of perhaps in this instance, the Uncle Mike and the boy sitting in the house, getting dressed and having breakfast, then talking about ALL THE WAY from leaving the house to walking to the lake, just to catch a Magikarp. Gets really annoying. :x

Anyway, simple plot. Just good enough for an easy and casual read. It was also kinda refreshing for such an innocent character to appear as well. It sort of created that "awwww" feeling when reading. idk why, probably since people normally mix it up with many other stuff to make it more complex. Well, other than the creativity of the plot which I really don't want to stupidly mark you down for, this section was smoothly done, short and sweet.


Length: o u

Details/Description: Blah. When going for such a Pokemon within a short story, it is important to remember to not overwhelm your reader unconsciously with too much description. Yeah, you need to have description, but not like extreme in-depth ones, like those that you can find higher categories.

Still, there are ways to improve your description, to make use of figurative languages to enhance the realism of your story without it looking like some story written for a Porygon-Z. For example, this was what you wrote;

"Already at the age of sixty, he had plenty of white hair above his head and white beard and moustache on his face."

Now, try to avoid repeating the same adjective within the same sentence and the neighboring sentences. That would mean that repeating the usage of the adjective, "white", is not recommended. In fact, there are many different ways in which the color white can be described. Was it of a pearly white? Or more of a stained white, with traces of light beige color being tinted on it? Or simply, you could have used similar meanings like milky white, pearly white. In fact, you could have used the figurative way of comparing the color of the beard to something else instead. In this case, I made the comparison from the beard to the texture and the color of flour. For example;

"Already at the age of sixty, he had plenty of hair above his head, his beard, and his moustache, all in the color of stained flour-white, almost looking as if he had a very light beige color of spray paint overlaying his hair."

I'll be honest. That description was definitely not the best at all. I am like having brainfreeze atm and I really can't think of a way to perfectly paint the picture of the color. Whatever it is, you get the idea. From a color, you try to make a figurative statement by comparing it to other objects. In fact, when you describe stuff like apple-red, ocean-blue, topaz-green, or charcoal-black, it is already considered more-or-less the first step is making figurative speeches.

Battle: While there was nothing wrong, I felt the need to empathize that it is not a strict necessity to follow actual Pokemon attacks. It doesn't mean that just because Magikarp only knows Splash, Tackle, and Flail, that means it really only knows that. For heck, the Magikarp could have even took a huge mouthful of water and sprayed it onto the character instead. As long as you don't have it as "Magikarp sprayed Water Gun at blahblahblah", it's fine (since Magikarp can't learn Water Gun technically). Since even more technically, taking a mouthful of water and spitting at someone isn't considered as a Water Gun attack, is it? Therefore, almost anything is possible if you work your imagination around it, but you will still have to write in a realistic way.

Of course, these are just ways to improve. Many times, writers tend to forget that they are the author of their story, that means that they have the right to create almost anything, as long as it is realistic. In fact, while Splash might be said to be useless, perhaps Magikarp used it to either splash its tail violently on the boy's cheeks or even flopping away. Besides that, your battle remained quite two-sided, or at least I think. I personally don't exactly prefer the way Pikachu attack but that might just be a personal opinion.

To me, writing it this way allowed too little chances for Magikarp to fight back. I mean seriously, Thunder is like overkill. I thought you could have missed that out and lengthened it out a bit more, allowing you to display a greater variety of attacks. You could then try ways to let Magikarp display a few ways of unconventional attacks. After all, Pikachu was a Pokemon that Nel recently just gained. Surely it wouldn't have learned Thunder in such a short time?

Outcome: Seriously? IT'S A MAGIKARP. And this was definitely enough for a Magikarp, albeit the various room for improvements. Therefore, Magikarp captured! Have fun with the fish that you've waited for like 7 months. D:
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