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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #31  
Old 06-17-2008, 03:03 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

You misunderstand me. I meant, why didn't she just keep the Pokeball that Hypno was already in?
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  #32  
Old 06-17-2008, 03:04 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Quote:
Originally Posted by scalec View Post
An Abra named Hypno? That's orginall!
Nice chapter, but why did Vanessa have to capture Hypno again?
Also, I named the Abra after the one I have on Pokemon Yellow.
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  #33  
Old 06-17-2008, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Quote:
Originally Posted by scalec View Post
You misunderstand me. I meant, why didn't she just keep the Pokeball that Hypno was already in?
That Pokeball was Jupiter's Pokeball; it would be like Vanessa had stolen Hypno if she kept Hypno in Jupiter's Pokeball.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonKnowItAllVanessa
Ooooh.... That sucks. How many restrooms you got? Or do you only got one and have to sit and wait for all of your siblings to get out of the bathroom in the morning?
...This is a very good question, as I have many siblings.
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  #34  
Old 06-17-2008, 03:18 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Bravo, Blaziken! Jupiter did the same thing to my Poke Ball when she hacked my PC and got Hypno.
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  #35  
Old 06-17-2008, 03:29 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

I'll try to review the chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonKnowItAllVanessa View Post
Hypno started to glow as it used Psychic. "Hypno...?"
You should start a new paragraph for the "Hypno...?"
Quote:
It stopped glowing and did something I've never seen an Abra do before. The Abra opened it's eyes. "Is it really you, Hypno?"
Again, new paragraph for what she's saying.
Quote:
Hypno started to grow and change shape. Hypno turned into an Alakazam.
You could describe the evolution more, saying how it looked when Hypno evolved and how Alakazam looked.
Quote:
Hypno had never grown a level because she was treated cruely.
Cruelly, not cruely.
Quote:
She still bottled up exp. until she was loved again. It was enough exp. to grow enough levels to evolve twice.
You should spell out exp. as experience in a story.
Quote:
I wasnt supposed to be able to sit up for at least 2 weeks is what I later found out.
You should rephrase this sentence. Maybe you could say, "I later found out that I wasn't supposed to be able to sit up for at least two weeks."
Quote:
Jupiter sat there still, her mouth gaping. "Hypno! Use Heal Bell!"
New paragraph for what she's saying.
Quote:
The Alakazam did what she was told and revived my Pokemon.
Instead of saying "did what she was told", you could say "executed my command" or something with more action. It would help in the atmosphere of the story, since this is probably one of the action-packed parts of the story.
Quote:
Finally, Jupiter did something. "Hypno! Return!"
New paragraph for what she's saying.
Quote:
I lunged at Jupiter and punched her so hard, t knocked he out cold.
"hard, t knocked he out cold" should be "hard that I knocked her out cold."
Quote:
"Your wild now." I said. I threw an Ultra Ball. "Now your my Pokemon again. The ball wiggled 3 times with no problem, then clicked.
'Your' should be You're, and same with the second 'your'. You should start a new paragraph after she finishes her sentence, too.
Quote:
I released Hypno once more and hugged her. "Hypno?" A voice from behind said.
New paragraph for what Flame says. Also, it should be "Hypno?" said a voice from behind me. A new paragraph after Flame says that, too.
Quote:
"Hypno! Teleport us home!"
There should be one paragraph just for this.

Quote:
I let my Pokemon rest in thier Poke Balls.
Their, not thier.
Quote:
My mom jumped up and hugged me so hard, it was like an andaconda hugging me to death!
Anaconda, not andaconda.

Quote:
"Oh, honey! Where have you been. I havent seen hair nor hide of you for a week!
"Where have you been." is a question; put a question mark at the end.
Haven't, not havent.

Quote:
"Maybe later, Mom." I walked up to my room and collapsed on my bed.
New paragraph for this.


I hope this will help you make a better chapter next time! Good luck!
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  #36  
Old 06-17-2008, 07:26 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Well I think Azurai Wolf pointed out most of the grammar mistakes I saw. I like how in the earlier chapters she released the houndoom and glameow instead of beating them up in a pokémon battle like what usually seems to happen with bad team members' pokémon in stories. Also the part with the abra was interesting^^

Like others have said before I think you should describe each pokémon and person in the story, as well as their surroundings. Also remember to start a new paragraph every time a new character is talking! I liked the story though and I hope you continue this. ^-^
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  #37  
Old 06-18-2008, 04:43 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Thanks! I'm glad you like it. I learned alot about Fan Fics and how to do them from your Fan Fic.
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  #38  
Old 06-18-2008, 04:45 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonKnowItAllVanessa View Post
Thanks! I'm glad you like it. I learned alot about Fan Fics and how to do them from your Fan Fic.
Really? Wow, thanks^^ I'm glad I could help!
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  #39  
Old 06-18-2008, 04:46 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

I'll be supporting you with your story as well. Since I know you can improve, and everyone likes an improved writer, I'll try to review your chapters like I did before. Be sure to follow my advice, and I'm hoping for a better chapter next time!
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  #40  
Old 06-18-2008, 04:48 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

I'll have to think about the next chapter. I'm trying to make most stuff exciting and unpredictable.
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  #41  
Old 06-19-2008, 12:54 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonKnowItAllVanessa View Post
I'll have to think about the next chapter. I'm trying to make most stuff exciting and unpredictable.
I'm going to put in that exciting and unpredictable stuff aren't always the way to go. Sometimes calm and natural things make the story go better.
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  #42  
Old 06-19-2008, 12:59 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Ok, thanks for te advice.
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  #43  
Old 06-20-2008, 12:01 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

Here it is! Chapter 6! Also, the misspells arent my mistakes. My wieless keyboard has been messing up.
---------------------------
CHAPTER 6
--------------
I woke up around 11:00 A.M. I tossed on blue denim jeans and a sky blue T-shirt and then went downstairs. There was the smell of pancakes as I reached the bottom of the staircase.

"Hey, honey!" Mom said. "Glad your awake! I got your favorite!" She said, beaming at me. I sat down at the newly polished oak table.

"Thanks, Mom." I said as I took a large piece of the blueberry pancake and and stuffed it in my mouth. Pangs of hunger ate through my stomach.

I finished eating at 11:27 A.M. I then swung my bag onto my shoulder. "See ya, Mom!" I said waving.

Mom waved back and said "You be careful now!" I walked down the path. I didnt feel comfortable talking to my mom about what happened just yet. I planned on going to Professor Rowan and talking about this.

I threw Flame's Poke Ball high into te air. "Flame! To Sandgem Town!" The Poke Ball opened and Flame was alread beating her wings. As she swooped down an was low enough, I jumped on her back. As we glided along, Starly and Starvia flew around us, squaking and making a commotion. They then started to peck. Flame sped up to get away from the birds.In a couple of minutes, we were at Rowan's door. I knocked a couple of times. Rowan opened the door.

"Why hello, Vanessa!" He exclaimed. "How are you today?" he asked with an ear-to-ear grin.

"Fine, thank you." I said politely. "I have to talk to you." I glanced at Rowans assistants, who were listening in. "In private." I added in a low whisper. He lead me to a sound proof room and pointed to two comfy looking chairs. Without a word, he closed the door behind him and locked it.

"Now," he said. " what is this about?" He questioned. I explained everything. The capture, slavery, but then I reached the part about Hypno.

"I then smashed the empty Poke Ball Hypno was just in, releasing her from her slavery." I said with a serious look on my face. "Then, I attempte--" Rowan cut me short.

"May I see this Pokemon?" He asked. I silently tossed Hypno's Poke Ball. "Hypno was not taken care of properly. But Im sure she'll get back in tip-top condition after spending time with you, eh Vanessa?" he chuckled.

I smiled brightly. "Why, yes, yes she will." I answered. "But I already have 6 Pokemon in my party." I said. "I do not want to put any of them in my PC. But I want to care for Hypno also." I said in a tone full of sorrow.

"Hmmm... Well, in that case, I will think about this. Come back tommorow morning. We will finish your tale and discuss this matter more." Rowan said, deep in thought as he walked away. We didnt even say bye. It didnt matter. I walked outside with Hypno behind me.

"Well, what will we do till then?" I asked Hypno. She shrugged. We walked in the direction of the beach. A statled Krabby scutled by us as we walked past. There were Wingulls swooping down here and there. The beach was filled with the bird's cries.

************************************************** ***
Is this better? Hope you like it!!!

Last edited by Sight of the Stars; 06-20-2008 at 03:49 AM.
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  #44  
Old 06-20-2008, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

I must say it's better then your previous chapters over all. It still has a few typos, but much improvement has been made. I congratulate you.
One thing I'm interested that you put in, you seemingly described Rowan as a happy type. Was there a reason for that, considering he's mostly percieved as a serious, no-fun at all type?
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  #45  
Old 06-20-2008, 01:26 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Is My Life

He was having a good day.
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