Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #61  
Old 07-17-2008, 03:58 AM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Thanks guys!

I do try and make people laugh a little. Everytime a see an opening for something funny I figure I should put it in the fic
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 07-17-2008, 04:09 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Making people laugh is a very important strategy! After all, if something is serious the whole way through, it would get kinda repetitive...And that's usually not a good thing!

Besides, who doesn't think Pikachu is cute?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 07-19-2008, 02:57 AM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Chapter 10: Part 2

Pikachu already used an electrifying Volt Tackle at Link. Link dodged and kicked Pikachu in the side. You could hear large sounds of thunder coming from the sky. Black clouds started to cover up the sky and lightning starting slamming the stadium, leaving small craters everywhere.

"Pika...chu!"

A giant lightning bolt slammed on Pikachu and the small mouse Pokémon was covered with static electricity.

"Darn it..." Link sighed as he got slammed in the stomach with a electrifying head butt left him immobilized.

The young warrior dropped to the ground, hair standing up straight and his body turned charcoal black. Next thing you knew somebody from the crowd said,

"OOOOOOHHH HE JUST GOT BURNED! LITERALLY!" The crowd was quiet and no sign of laughter.

"What? You guys don't get it?! He got BURNED! You know what I mean?" The man that shouted stayed quiet after that last line.

"WE GOT A WINNER! GIVE IT UP FOR PIKACHU!" The announcer shouted in the microphone as the crowd roared. An old lady jumped out from the crowd and gave Pikachu a big was kiss on the cheek.

"Pika!"

The same figure from the cavern stepped into the arena with a long black coat and a hood over its face. All you could see were the pink tail and the feet. The hands were under the sleeves of the coat and the crowd grew quiet. Pikachu pushed the lady away and glared at the hooded character.

"I think we need to talk my little friend..." The character said, stepping closer to Pikachu. One of its hands came out of a sleeve and touched Pikachu on the forehead and the mouse Pokémon was motionless.

The brawlers ran into the arena, but soon stopped and were lifted into the air.

"What the heck is this?!" Shadow said as he got lifted into the air, his feet dangling.

Lucario glared at the hooded character as it took off it's hood. Gasps could be heard from the crowd as they saw it's face.

"Mewtwo..." Lucario whispered to himself as he was lifted into the air.

The three eyed thing appeared beside Mewtwo and Shadow's eyes narrowed.

"Black Doom..." He said.

The third one didn't appear for some strange reason and all of the brawlers charged after Mewtwo left them down for some reason and attacked...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 07-19-2008, 03:02 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

I knew it was Black Doom! (I have the game )! Go get em Shadow/Cami! Use your elite teamwork skills!

Like that cool Sun Burst move Cami used (although she'll need Shadow's help to use it.) PM me Tyrell if you want to use it (you'll need to know how!)

Glad to see Mewtwo back, even if he is a bad guy now! I miss him...
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 07-19-2008, 03:05 AM
Dr Robotnik's Avatar
Dr Robotnik Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: A boot
Posts: 9,070
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

mewtwo deserves to be in brawl. he'd make a good villan
__________________
<Image made by Neo>
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 07-22-2008, 04:41 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

I was depressed when I found out Mewtwo wasn't in the game...

Hey Tyrell, when's the new chapter going to be up?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 07-22-2008, 06:37 AM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

I don't think it will be soon...I'll try and get it tommorow and if not then I will try and put it in Wednesday.
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 07-24-2008, 01:28 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Okay! Sorry if I'm impatient, it's just this story is too good to miss!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 07-24-2008, 05:53 PM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Chapter 10: Part 3

Samus started kicking Mewtwo, but he just put a force field up and pushed her back with ease. Link and Sheik tried hitting Mewtwo, but he grabbed Link and Sheik's arm's and threw into the ground. Shadow ran for Black Doom at full speed, his eyes glowing red. Black Doom sent a laser out of his third eye and knocked Shadow back. Soon the brawlers covered the two enemies, but weren't doing any damage.

Everyone stopped as something stomped its way to the brawlers, grunting. The large black figure with giant horns like a rhinoceros and black muscular arms and legs with the skin pealing, revealing red skin roared loudly. Its eyes were red slits and its mouth had wolf like teeth. It stood at about 50 feet tall and stood on its hine legs. It had large bloody claws at dripped red acid. The thing tripped and said,

"Oh, sorry I wasn't paying attention..."

Mewtwo laughed, but stopped after it said,

"HEY, YOU PUNY PIECES OF TRASH, YOU GUYS DISGUST ME! I THOUGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE A CHALLENGE, BUT BY THE LOOKS OF YOU GUYS, I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE FIGHTING YOU WEAKLINGS." Its voice boomed through the arena.

"AW SHUT UP! YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU CAN BEAT ALL OF US?!" Shadow said somewhere in the group of brawlers.

"Yeah what's your name anyway?" Cami flew up to the monster's face, crossing her arms.

"MY NAME IS DEATHOSAUR, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME DEATHO OR DEATH...ANYWAY I'M HERE TO KICK YOU GUY'S BUTTS AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Deathosaur bared his teeth and grabbed Cami with his giant hand.

Cami squirmed in Deathosaur's grasp as Shadow and Sonic ran up his arms and kicked him hard in the face.

The large monster sneezed in Cami's face and said,

"Sorry."

She got out of Deathosaur's grasp and wiped the snot off of her clothes.

He punched Cami out of the sky and she fell hard to the ground, getting lodged into the ground.

"CAMI!" Pit said shooting multiple arrows at Deathosaur, but ended up almost getting stomped.

Sheik threw needles at the monster and ran up its arm and kicked it in the face.

This is going to be harder than I thought!" Sonic said, as the hedgehogs turned into their Super Forms and ran to Deathosaur. Cami got up and turned into her Super Form and did the same even though she could've flown up to him.

"Lets finish this!"
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 07-24-2008, 10:27 PM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Great chapter! So we finally learn the name of the other enemy...He seems to have two different personalities.

Good job on getting Cami's personality down, ou nailed it right on!

I find it funny how he sneezed on her LOL.

Can't wait for the next chapter!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #71  
Old 07-24-2008, 10:46 PM
Larvinator's Avatar
Larvinator Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,140
Send a message via AIM to Larvinator Send a message via Skype™ to Larvinator
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

The chapters should be a lot longer. Chapter Nine is barely one page in MS Word. And the big font really bugged me. It made it look like you were trying to artificially pump up the chapter length, at least to me. The description is...well, you described, but not well. Like, when Pit was flying to the arena, you just said "he decided to fly" and then he was suddenly magically at the arena. It would have been nice to have the trip described. You did things like this a lot, and it would've been good to have much more description, especially of the setting.

One of the main problems with your describing was that you outright told instead of showed. In your most recent chapter, you said "as the hedgehogs turned into their Super Forms". Well, having never played a Sonic game or watched the show, I'm completely at a loss as to what the Super Forms would look like, so you should describe them instead of expecting us to know. Even the act of transforming would've been nice; I assume they don't just go "blink!" and then suddenly they're super. Flash of light? Smoke? That's one of but many examples, so you should work at showing instead of telling.

And the characters...meh. They all seem like cardboard characters. Wolf wanted to slash Pit to death despite it being two against one, and he doesn't have any apparent reason to WANT to slash him to death, other than just for fun, which only the most twisted of the twisted villains do. None of the characters have really been elaborated on, either, which is a shame since some of them seem like good ideas.

The grammar wasn't horrible, but one or two readthroughs of your chapters before you post them up would have been a good idea. Many typos plagued the story, and also some choppy sentences.

On the plus side, some of the dialogue was funny - the Pit and Cami part made me laugh. =D But this needs some serious length and description before it's a good story.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by The KKK Official Site
The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church".
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 07-24-2008, 10:59 PM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

That sounded like downright criticism I just hope it was constructive criticism. The big font is because when I read stories that have normal font, it hurts my eyes and I don't wanna wear glasses. Plus nobody else said anything about the big font or the typos or whatever you said except for the not long enough chapters. Whoever played brawl should know what the Super Forms look like. Except for Cami's, but I already described that. I'm not good at description Grassy already told me to make the description better and I tried. Ten straight chapters including parts people only told me to make the chapters longer and better descriptions. Plus, I like big font. I think I was doing pretty good for this story (lol).

I'll try MORE than my BEST and I'll see what I can do. I'm not trying to sound mad at you because why would I be. Makes no sense to be mad at someone that tries to help you.
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 07-24-2008, 11:09 PM
Larvinator's Avatar
Larvinator Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,140
Send a message via AIM to Larvinator Send a message via Skype™ to Larvinator
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

I did try to be constructive by giving examples of how to improve on some things. ^^;

And on the super forms thing, I do know what Sonic's looks like, but I know nada on Shadow's or Silver's; truth be told, I don't even know who Silver is...and I only just now remembered the Cami thing. *facepalm* Sorry.

Just because nobody else told you about the things I'm saying doesn't make them not true. Not many people are reviewers; a lot of readers don't like pointing out mistakes because they feel mean, and instead give a general tip or two and say they loved it. Casual readers are perfectly fine, though - if the whole world was full of criticizers, where would the drive to write be?

Thank you for taking my tips seriously and not getting angry though, I appreciate it. :]
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by The KKK Official Site
The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church".
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 07-24-2008, 11:14 PM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Glad to know I wasn't the only one who was amused by Pit's reaction to Cami XD She's actually become a really popular character, to my surprise.

You know, Tyrell, I can help you out with descriptions ^.^
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 07-24-2008, 11:18 PM
Lonliness's Avatar
Lonliness Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: sLEEP
Posts: 1,648
Default Re: Super Smash Brothers Brawl: A New Menace

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larvinator View Post
I did try to be constructive by giving examples of how to improve on some things. ^^;

And on the super forms thing, I do know what Sonic's looks like, but I know nada on Shadow's or Silver's; truth be told, I don't even know who Silver is...and I only just now remembered the Cami thing. *facepalm* Sorry.

Just because nobody else told you about the things I'm saying doesn't make them not true. Not many people are reviewers; a lot of readers don't like pointing out mistakes because they feel mean, and instead give a general tip or two and say they loved it. Casual readers are perfectly fine, though - if the whole world was full of criticizers, where would the drive to write be?

Thank you for taking my tips seriously and not getting angry though, I appreciate it. :]
Silver is like a new guy so barely anyone knows him. He came in about 2007 or 2006 six I think. I don't know...

But thanks for the tips! I'll make sure to try and use them!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grassy_Aggron View Post
Glad to know I wasn't the only one who was amused by Pit's reaction to Cami XD She's actually become a really popular character, to my surprise.

You know, Tyrell, I can help you out with descriptions ^.^
I'd like if you did! Thanks Grassy!
__________________
\(^.^)/
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:24 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com