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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-26-2008, 11:04 AM
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Default Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Introduction

'I'm never going to try that again!' thought Moira, as she climbed to her feet after an embarrassing fall to the ground. 'I may be a Rattata,' she thought to herself, 'but I'm still not ready to be climbing trees just yet.'

Her friend, Zara, was laughing her head off in a nearby tree, almost falling out of it as well. Zara was a Pikachu, and she was much stronger than Moira in a fight. However, with her deep and completely black tail, not many Pikachus wanted to be around her.

"Come on, let's go get some lunch! I'm getting hungry." Zara managed to get out through all the laughter.

"Ok. Let's go to PokéChow. They're the best!" replied Moira, gladly. She'd got hungry just climbing the tree.

On the way back to the town, they heard a screaming, almost like a bird in pain.

"Come on, we've got to help that Pokémon!"Zara said, racing ahead at full speed.

"Hey, wait! I'm only a Rattata! I'm not as fast as you!" Moira yelled, running as fast as she could.

Suddenly, Zara stopped. She could see a distant sun setting on the rocky horizon, and hear Taillows tweeting in the trees. But nothing out of the ordinary. Moira rushed to her side, staring out at Hermoso Valley. The sight was beautiful, with a rushing waterfall at the end of it. And the little town in the middle was quiet, lights out and everyone in their beds. Moira and Zara were silent, listening intently for anything, absolutely anything, that was out of the ordinary...

THUD!!!

---------------------

This is my first Fanfic, feel free to give me tips on how to make this story better!

~MA~
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Last edited by MegaArticuno; 05-27-2008 at 10:55 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-26-2008, 12:54 PM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Nice intro, MA.

Only...why are the characters names bold when you first say them?

Anyway, nice grammar, formatting and dialogue.

Your intro was a bit short though, and lacked proper description. Show us like it's a movie.

Do that, and you'll have a good fic up soon. Feel free to check others around the site for pointers as well. ^_^
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Last edited by Gem N Ems; 05-26-2008 at 09:54 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:28 PM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Latias_Rider View Post
Nice intro, MA.

Only...why are the characters names bold when you first say them?

Anyway, nice grammer, formatting and dialogue.

Your intro was a bit short though, and lacked proper description. Show us like it's a movie.

Do that, and you'll have a good fic up soon. Feel free to check others around the site for pointers as well. ^_^
I'll address a few things here:
1) With the Bold names, I only do that to the Main Characters so that you know who they are.
2) I don't try to be annoying about grammar, but I usually cant help it ^.^
3) I might edit the Intro to show some more detail...

Thanks for the pointers! The next Chapter will be up within the week!
~MA~
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Old 05-26-2008, 09:54 PM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Oh, that's embarrassing!

I spelt grammar wrong. ^_^ Sorry about that.
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  #5  
Old 05-27-2008, 09:25 AM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

It's been a couple of days in the making, but here's the next chapter of The Adventures of Hermoso Valley!

Chapter 1: The new friend is met!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cloud of dust whirled around in spirals as Zara and Moira shot down the sandy hill path towards the crash.

"Zara!" Moira yelled, spitting out dust.

"Yes?" Zara shouted back, not slowing down at all.

"I think they're.... HERE!" Moira shouted and suddenly turned off the path. Zara stopped, confused, and hesitantly followed her. They'd walked into a clearing, and the picture displayed in front of them was not a happy one. There was a small group of Cacnea, standing off to one side. In the middle of the clearing, on the stump of a large oak tree, a hideous Duskull was floating with his eyes -well, not eyes per se- at the same level as a struggling Taillow.

"Where are Team Truro?" the Duskull demanded.

"I... don't know... who you... mean..." the Taillow gasped.

"Uhhhh, Boss?" the Cacnea queried, cautiously.

"What have I told you?" the Duskull shouted, "Don't interrupt me while I'm interrogating!"

"They're right... you... know. You really... should look... to.. your right..." the Taillow squeezed out.

The Duskull looked round in time to receive a full slap in the face from Zara's Iron Tail. The Duskull flew backwards, temporarily stunned by the force of the attack. Zara panted, regaining her lost energy. That blow alone had tuckered her out completely. "That Duskull must have used a weakening technique as he got knocked backward!" she thought to herself.

"Moira. Get ready with your Quick Attack." Zara whispered. Moira nodded and got into her Quick Attack stance.

The Duskull readied itself for its attack, as did Moira and Zara. The two sides faced each other. The techniques were used...

FLASH!!!

Zara and Moira looked around frantically. A purple mist was surrounding everything, and neither Zara nor Moira could see the Duskull or the few Cacnea through it.

"They must have gone when the Duskull sent out the attack!" Moira whispered to Zara as the smoke cleared. Zara nodded, and walked over to the stump, where the Taillow was recuperating.

"Are you alright?" Zara asked. The Taillow got up.

"Yes, I'm fine. My name's JK. What's yours?" he replied.

"I'm Moira, and this is my best friend Zara! Pleased to meet you!" Moira said before Zara had a chance to reply.

"Cool. Hey, do you wanna be my friends?" asked JK, quietly.

"Sure! Come on, let's go to the village." Zara said kindly. Moira nodded frantically.

"And then, when we get there, we'll give you the Grand Tour!" Moira said excitedly. So she turned round and walked for a bit. Then, she stopped and turned her head. "Last one there pays for the food!" She shouted and shot off down the dusty hill path. Zara and JK laughed and ran behind Moira, racing down towards the setting sun...


Any comments on my latest Chapter anyone?
~MA~
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  #6  
Old 05-27-2008, 10:44 AM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Hmmm...not a bad chapter overall, but might I suggest that you make the writing bigger?
It just strains your eyes to read it, that's all.

Also, I would like to see more description. As in describing the view, or the battle a bit more.

Instead of saying,
Quote:
The Duskull readied itself for its attack, as did Moira and Zara. The two sides faced each other. The techniques were used...
You could say, "The Duskull readied itself for attack, as did Moira and Zara. As they waited for the Duskull to strike, it grinned at them maliciously from behind its velvety coat. Moira scowled, but it disappeared as soon as she saw what it was doing."

You know, something like that is much more descriptive and doesn't run too fast.

Also, when you say 'cacneas', I think it would sound better if you put just 'cacnea' in as a plural. It seems to make more sense to me that way, but you can decide. ^_^

Hope I helped.

PS. You might want to take the first chapter out of the first post. You won't fit in all chapters in that post anyway.
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  #7  
Old 05-27-2008, 10:56 AM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

Thanks. I'm going to try and make the character banners soon. I might need help, but I probably won't.
~MA~
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  #8  
Old 05-27-2008, 11:01 AM
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Default Re: Team MysticStar: The Adventure of Hermoso Valley!

That's much better, MA!

Oh, and if you need any help with the banners, you can PM me if you'd like.

I've made my own in my fic and could help out if you need it. Check out mine if you want to get any ideas. ^_^
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