Pokemon: The Gears of Pureness

[xXPrimalDialgaXx]

Prologue:
Life's History

Many years ago, before the very creation of life, an egg was in the middle of nothingness. This egg was so pure that it divided into three parts. Two of the eggs hatched and were granted the power of time and space. The original one was still sleeping. The other two created the Laws of Time and the Fabric of Space. Later, the egg hatched and it gave birth to an immense being. This being gave birth to a pokemon that raised the continents and the land and a pokemon that spread the oceans and the seas. It later gave birth to the guardian of the ozone layer and keeper of the fight between the continent pokemon and the sea pokemon.

The being raised he's power and split ted into four other beings. The original gave emotions, willpower and knowledge to the other three. He spread them across the Earth and sealed the creators of time and space. He then created a being whom was to be the guardian of the Earth. That guardian split ted into three beasts and they run like the wind keeping an eye on Earth. It then a golem that was to keep in watch of the origin pokemon. This golem split ted he's powers and created a body ice, a body of rock and a body of steel. Then four birds were born to keep watch for the climate of the Earth.

Finally, the Earth was prepared for the arrival of the humans. Years and years passed and humans were multiplying from millions to billions. Arceus then created the two locations of life's end, a sanctuary of purity, Heavens and a chamber of demise, Hell. He then sealed himself to keep balance in life in a hall of sacredness, the Hall of Origin. He sealed the gate with three gears, the gears of Life, Reason and Time. He scattered them through the Earth and finally went to a slumber.

One night, a men born among evil and corruption was asleep. When he woke up, he's body materialized into deep darkness and he turned into an illusionist. He's body could travel through people's minds and make them suffer into an endless sleep. But he's goal was to attain he's original form, how? By getting into life's center, Birth House.

This is but only the story of a child whom family fell and he's curiosity led him into knowing life's starting and it's end nearing. This is the life of Michael Stant, a 13 years old teenager that lives on Sinnoh protected by he's pokemon partner Shinx and he's friend Luisan. What wonders may be told on he's adventure?

"Luisan I'm going to school, see ya!" Shouted Michael while running to school

"OK! See ya at dinner!" Replied Luisan while washing the dishes

At his way to school, Michael came across a strange necklace...

"This necklace, it has a strange drawing," Said Michael while polishing the necklace

"Better get to school and show this to Mr. Alberto," Said Michael while walking toward school

After walking miles, it was 7:45 AM, Michael arrived at school...

"Ah, Pokelearn High, OK here I go!" Said Michael while approaching the school's entrance

Inside, there were many lockers, students and even helpful pokemon. Michael kept walking through the halls until he found he's classroom. When he enter the room, the clock was pointing the hour 7:59 AM, Michael sit on he's chair and the bell rang.

Everyone enter the room and sat down. Mr. Albero greeted the class...

"Good morning everyone!" Said Alberto while grabbing he's long ruler

"Good morning Mr. Alberto!" Replied everyone

"OK, now open your book at page 492 and read Chapter 1, Life Beginning, The Theory."Said Alberto while opening he's book

Will this book tell of life's origin? Will Michael really learn of life's origin?

-END OF PROLOGUE-

[scalec]

I'm amazed at your thought and effort into this story, it really shows.

[xXPrimalDialgaXx]

Chapter 1:
Book of Life

After opening the book, Michael noticed that ancient ext surrounded a single pokemon shining above the sky while being contemplated by other pokemons...

"Hmm, what's this?" Said Michael to himself while observing the picture

"Ok students, the being you see before is theorized to be the Alpha pokemon, also known as the God pokemon," Said Alberto while looking at he's book

"Sir, you're saying that this is the source of life?" Asked a student

"Yes, this being you see before you created life itself," Replied Alberto while drawing in the board

In the board, he draws six pokemons. One of them was in the top, three were in the middle and the other two were down...

"OK, the one atop is non-other than the Alpha pokemon," Said Alberto while pointing at the drawing

"That looks like a taco on a plate!"*giggle* Whispered a student

"Have anything to say Mr. Talawan?" Said Alberto while looking at Talawan

"Umm... No?" Replied Talawan while hiding he's face

"OK, now the other three in the middle are the Beings of Emotion, Willpower and Knowledge," Said Alberto while pointing at the drawings

"So they are Mesprit, Azelf and Uxie," Said a student

"Nerd alert!" Whispered Alberto

"Exactly Mr. Kazinowa, these three are rumored to be living at the lakes here at Sinnoh," Said Alberto while approaching the map of Sinnoh

"As you can see, the location of these three lakes form a triangle, it's purpose, no one knows but the theory is that it's a barrier created to keep the Deities in sleep," Said Alberto while pointing at Mt. Coronet

"The Deities? Who are they?" Asked a student

"Now, the two pokemons below the other four are the Deities of Time and Space," Said Alberto while pointing at the drawings

"Sir, I heard a rumor that their entire body is armored by diamonds and pearls," Said Michael while looking at the board

"Apparently, there has been theories that in Mt. Coronet there was a massive mine of pearls and diamond forming a strange figure, leading into conclusion of their existence," Replied Alberto while erasing the board

It was 11:29 AM, the students were hungry and bored to hear Mr. Alberto's lesson of life. Finally, the bell rang and everyone left except Alberto and Michael...

"Oh, Alberto, I found this earlier at my way here," Said Michael while handing the necklace to Alberto

"Oh, this is a necklace crafted with texts," Said Alberto while looking at it

"I think you should study it, since you know many tings about ancient texts," Said Michael while looking at Alberto

"Well, I will do what I can," Replied Alberto while putting the necklace on he's pocket

"Go to lunch, I will tell you anything that may come," Said Alberto while exiting the classroom

Alberto and Michael left the classroom. They enter the lunchroom. After lunch, they returned to the classroom and decided to take a look at the necklace...

"Hmm, let's see, it says...," Said Alberto while examining the necklace

The necklace said the next things:

"He who wields this artifact shall be given the authority of holding the destiny of the Earth. It's in your hands to choose chaos or salvation. Use this to cleanse the world or corrupt it."

"What does it says Alberto?" Asked Michael while looking at the necklace

"Hmm... I... I don't know," Replied Alberto while putting the necklace in he's pocket

"Oh, well, just keep looking at it, I know you will find the answer," Replied Michael while sitting on he's chair

After the bell rang, lunch ended and class restarted. Class was a long and boring one. It was all numbers, since it was math. Finally, the bell rang, Michael grabbed he's things and said good bye to Alberto, he left school and went his way to home.

Why did Alberto hide the message from Michael?

-END OF CHAPTER-

[S Jenkins]

Nice story, really like it. Hope there's another chapter soon! ^-^

[eerie]

This is a good story! Keep it up.

[Orange_Flaaffy]

Your sentences are very choppy and your overall story needs more description and length (which will come naturally once you add more detail) . Think of your story are a movie rather than a play, and your readers as being blind: How would you show them what was happening? What do the characters look like, sound like, and smell like?
Also, you are having some basic story past tense and present tense troubles, as well as some spelling errors that would only take a moment to fix. Don't forget, more that one pokemon is still spelt the same way:

I had a Muk, this had been my favorite pokemon since I was eight years old.

Today I captured a Meowth, now I have two pokemon on my team.

On the board, he drew six pokemon. One of them was at the top, three were in the middle, and the other two were at the base (or at the bottom).

"OK, the one on the top is none other than the Alpha pokemon," said Mr. Alberto, pointing at the drawing.

"That looks like a taco on a plate!" whispered a student with a giggle.

( Sound effects like giggles are written into the story itself, rather than in chat room (or forum post) style.)

"Do you have anything to say Mr. Talawan?"

(You do not always have to have said or any other tags after a speaking section if the speaker is already known to the reader and has a unique voice. Also, if you add more description to your story you do not have to rely as much on your dialogue statements to tell us what is going on :). )

"Umm... No?" replied Talawan.
He hid his face behind his book, silently praying that the teacher would not call on him again.

(Or something like that, see how much it adds to the character in just a single line? Now think what five lines could do to flesh out a character and their world !)


"OK, now the other three in the middle are the Beings of Emotion, Willpower and Knowledge," said Mr. Alberto.

(If he is a teacher, remember to add the Mr. or Prof. before his name, or else it could just seem like a random student decided to teach class one day :).)

"So they are Mesprit, Azelf and Uxie," said a student with long black hair, green skin, and a Mankey on her head.


(This a joke of course but I just made it to make a point. Without a bit of detail your reader has no way of knowing what anything looks like. Even minor throw away characters should get a tiny bit of detailing to them to make the setting seem realistic :))

"Nerd alert!" whispered Mr. Alberto.

(I am seeing a lot of this lately. Remember, a teacher is not just a bigger student that happens to be standing in front of the class giving speeches, their mentality is different. 99% of the time their greatest joy is teaching 'nerds'. They aren't all like Snape from Happy Potter ;). And given his reaction to the answer afterward, this statement doesn't really fit his character.)

...and there is more but I think you get the idea .

Your story shows promise it terms of ideas, but you still need to learn some basic rules . Once you learn them everything you write will benefit and only get better. This is a good place to start learning about dialogue:
http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page13.html

Don't give up, I know you can do better!

[Gem N Ems]

Originally Posted by Orange_Flaaffy

Your sentences are very choppy and your overall story needs more description and length (which will come naturally once you add more detail) . Think of your story are a movie rather than a play, and your readers as being blind: How would you show them what was happening? What do the characters look like, sound like, and smell like?
Also, you are having some basic story past tense and present tense troubles, as well as some spelling errors that would only take a moment to fix. Don't forget, more that one pokemon is still spelt the same way:


...and there is more but I think you get the idea .

Your story shows promise it terms of ideas, but you still need to learn some basic rules . Once you learn them everything you write will benefit and only get better. This is a good place to start learning about dialogue:
http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page13.html

Don't give up, I know you can do better!

This is probably kind of stupid and pointless, but if the readers are blind, OF, how can they read the story?

Just saying, your idea is a good one, and you should think of it as a movie, but not one where people are blind.

You can't hear the story. Only you are right. Think of a story as a movie, PD, and really show us the scenes in your head.

I happen to know it works better if you imagine them first. ^_^

[Orange_Flaaffy]

This is probably kind of stupid and pointless, but if the readers are blind, OF, how can they read the story?

I didn't mean they were actually blind, but for that matter blind people have programs they use to read to the internet as well as type on it. They can read very well actually :)

I meant, apart from what the author says we basically are blind, we see no more that what the author shows us in the story. That is why more is better than less when showing detail. I see it as telling a scene aloud to a blind person. They can't see it, so you have to paint as realistic a picture as you can in words.
Sometimes this doesn't take much, but it takes more than just saying 'the teacher said pointing at the drawing' when we have never seen the classroom before. If it is important enough to have a scene centered on it than it is worth a bit more detail :)

[Gem N Ems]

Originally Posted by Orange_Flaaffy

I didn't mean they were actually blind, but for that matter blind people have programs they use to read to the internet as well as type on it. They can read very well actually :)

I meant, apart from what the author says we basically are blind, we see no more that what the author shows us in the story. That is why more is better than less when showing detail. I see it as telling a scene aloud to a blind person. They can't see it, so you have to paint as realistic a picture as you can in words.
Sometimes this doesn't take much, but it takes more than just saying 'the teacher said pointing at the drawing' when we have never seen the classroom before. If it is important enough to have a scene centered on it than it is worth a bit more detail :)

Now that, I can understand better.

And I did know what you meant, just had to point out a tiny detail. ^_^

[shadow6567]

Originally Posted by xXPrimalDialgaXx

Prologue:
Life's History

Many years ago, before the very creation of life, an egg was in the middle of nothingness. This egg was so pure that it divided into three parts. Two of the eggs hatched and were granted the power of time and space. The original one was still sleeping. The other two created the Laws of Time and the Fabric of Space. Later, the egg hatched and it gave birth to an immense being. This being gave birth to a pokemon that raised the continents and the land and a pokemon that spread the oceans and the seas. It later gave birth to the guardian of the ozone layer and keeper of the fight between the continent pokemon and the sea pokemon.

The being raised he's power and split ted into four other beings. The original gave emotions, willpower and knowledge to the other three. He spread them across the Earth and sealed the creators of time and space. He then created a being whom was to be the guardian of the Earth. That guardian split ted into three beasts and they run like the wind keeping an eye on Earth. It then a golem that was to keep in watch of the origin pokemon. This golem split ted he's powers and created a body ice, a body of rock and a body of steel. Then four birds were born to keep watch for the climate of the Earth.

Finally, the Earth was prepared for the arrival of the humans. Years and years passed and humans were multiplying from millions to billions. Arceus then created the two locations of life's end, a sanctuary of purity, Heavens and a chamber of demise, Hell. He then sealed himself to keep balance in life in a hall of sacredness, the Hall of Origin. He sealed the gate with three gears, the gears of Life, Reason and Time. He scattered them through the Earth and finally went to a slumber.

One night, a men born among evil and corruption was asleep. When he woke up, he's body materialized into deep darkness and he turned into an illusionist. He's body could travel through people's minds and make them suffer into an endless sleep. But he's goal was to attain he's original form, how? By getting into life's center, Birth House.

This is but only the story of a child whom family fell and he's curiosity led him into knowing life's starting and it's end nearing. This is the life of Michael Stant, a 13 years old teenager that lives on Sinnoh protected by he's pokemon partner Shinx and he's friend Luisan. What wonders may be told on he's adventure?

"Luisan I'm going to school, see ya!" Shouted Michael while running to school

"OK! See ya at dinner!" Replied Luisan while washing the dishes

At his way to school, Michael came across a strange necklace...

"This necklace, it has a strange drawing," Said Michael while polishing the necklace

"Better get to school and show this to Mr. Alberto," Said Michael while walking toward school

After walking miles, it was 7:45 AM, Michael arrived at school...

"Ah, Pokelearn High, OK here I go!" Said Michael while approaching the school's entrance

Inside, there were many lockers, students and even helpful pokemon. Michael kept walking through the halls until he found he's classroom. When he enter the room, the clock was pointing the hour 7:59 AM, Michael sit on he's chair and the bell rang.

Everyone enter the room and sat down. Mr. Albero greeted the class...

"Good morning everyone!" Said Alberto while grabbing he's long ruler

"Good morning Mr. Alberto!" Replied everyone

"OK, now open your book at page 492 and read Chapter 1, Life Beginning, The Theory."Said Alberto while opening he's book

Will this book tell of life's origin? Will Michael really learn of life's origin?

-END OF PROLOGUE-

good story but you keep saying he,s instead of his