Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-29-2008, 07:48 AM
Tyrgon Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 10
Send a message via AIM to Tyrgon
Default Red-fish

******


“What in the HELL is… this?!” Diego roared. He slammed a fist on the stainless steel counter, sending a clanking tremble through the hanging ladles and pots.

The prep cook’s eyes darted from the crate of red-scaled fish, to his chef’s reddening face, then quickly to the kitchen’s floor. The dishwasher barely contained an amused chuckle, his mouth caught between a smirk and an ooooh-boy.

The white-faced prep cook wiped his brow, pursing his lips furiously, before eeking out, “Today’s… f-fish order, chef.”

Diego balled a fist, lips tightening, and nearly beheaded the young cook with the sweep of his glare. What kind of idiot had the manager hired? He looked at the box of fish and wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“You expect me,” he paused, seething, “to feed people...” he paused again, barely able to spit the word, “magikarp?!”

For a moment, only the faint bubble of simmering water broke the silence in the large, shining kitchen. Then with a breath like hissing steam, Diego whirled in a fury and slammed a pot lid shut with a crash. What was the cook thinking accepting an order like that? Only a few words were distinguishable from his grumbling string of curses: “… half bone… tasteless… might s’well eat… hard rubber…” That bastard of a fishmonger Kenzo! Taking advantage of a young cook. And where the hell was his sous chef, Dave? He should’ve had the deliveries sorted long ago. Later, he told himself, later. “Just get rid of –“

The crate of fish suddenly erupted, a volcano of furiously flapping fins flailing and sliding in every direction. Half a dozen karp crashed into the hanging pots, sending them careening down the counter and onto the stove. Scalding stirrers flew and boiling liquid splashed as the massive pots of simmering stock tipped, sending cooks scurrying for cover. The din barely masked the flurry of curses Chef Diego hurled as he raced through the kitchen, dodging clanging cookery and flying karp. He snatched a fish from midair and began smacking the fire out of any magikarp that came near him, whirling like a violently swearing twister in a dervish of fish-smiting-fury.

As soon as he’d subdue a wildly flailing fish, another took its place. Diego snorted, belting a karp with a particularly wet ‘schlock’. Just as he began to resign himself to spending the better part of the next hour getting the fish under control, he caught wind of something akin to ozone.

Across the kitchen the young prep cook stood like a lightning rod, steering his floating magnemite through the glut of yellow-whiskered targets sliding through the room. Electricity crackled across the magnet-pokémon’s body, leapt through the air, arced over the stainless steel counter, and crashed into a magikarp with a sizzling ‘zot’. The cook whipped out a pokéball and hurled the orb for the fish. The clean hardness of the young man’s face reflected the carefully measured skill he took in the toss. With a smoky flash of energy the karp disappeared and the ball flashed red, locking in its quarry.

It only took Diego and the young cook a few minutes to contain the rampaging fish. One last crackling thunderwave, the heat of a thundershock, and in a hazy flash, the final fish was captured. Chef Diego heaved a sigh, wiping the fish slime from his face. The young cook panted, exchanging a brilliantly jubilant smile with his wearily hovering magnemite. “You were great, Arges!” he said to the exhausted steel-type, juggling the stack of gleaming red and white pokéballs.

Chef Diego eyed the cook and his pokémon as they slumped against a wall. The young man was unable to contain his smile, leaning against his happily crackling magnet, juggling a stack of pokéballs shining with fish slime. A slight grin crept across the chef’s face as he said, “Kid, I think you’re in the wrong line of work.”

The young cook smiled, unaware of the red fish-scale stuck to his cheek. “Maybe so,” he said, fingering a magikarp-slimed pokéball, “… maybe so.”



-------------------------------------

Ready for grading.
Characters (no spaces): 3282
Target pokémon: Magikarp
__________________

Last edited by Tyrgon; 04-29-2008 at 01:10 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-10-2008, 11:44 PM
Splishee Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: WHAT?!
Posts: 1,923
Send a message via AIM to Splishee
Default Re: Red-fish

Grade (I’ll keep it short and sweet for your first story)

Plot/Introduction

Very creative and original. There are only a handful of stories that would have gone for the ‘cooking Pokemon’ outlook on a story, so well done! I really liked that, despite the story’s length, you were able to give the main character a really solid and strong character - a little aggravated, a little pissed off at the world. It shone through in every thing he did, every emotion you described him feeling. Good job!

The introduction was done really great. You had a nice hook, to reel the reader in - everything was really above average for the ‘Karp.

Length

Magicarp is the easiest, only needs a minimum of 3 K of characters. You’ve obviously done your research - good work, much better than a lot of new writers.

Grammar

Almost spotless. Fantastic for a Magikarp. You have a good grasp on grammar, so I have almost nothing to point out. However, your main mistakes lie in the world of.. Ironically.. Pokemon.

‘Magicarp’ and ‘Magnemite’ are proper nouns, as they are a name of a species. They need a capital letter. ^^

I notice you said ‘karp’ quite a lot. If you really wanted to abbreviate it, the best word would be ‘Karp, with an apostrophe and capital letter. But, really, you should just say ‘Magicarp’ ^^.

Quote:
The dishwasher barely contained an amused chuckle, his mouth caught between a smirk and an ooooh-boy.
‘Ooh-boy’ is more of an example of what his face would look like, not really a description. I would suggest putting that as:

. . . His mouth caught between a smirk and a face with an expression as if he were to say ‘ooh-boy’!

Other than all of that, well done! As I said, almost spotless!

Description

Superbly done. You included great use of describing people’s faces and select scenery, good work. However, I think you should try and also concentrate on describing the ‘big picture’ - the kitchen. I know that the counter was stainless steel, what else? Setting the scene is of upmost importance in story writing.

Battle

Possibly the most creative battle I’ve ever seen. Hilariously done, including the cook’s anger with the battle was a very smart idea. Although the Magnemite coming in with its trainer was somewhat random, the creativity of the battle is enough to let a lot of that slide.

However, I think you should know that you should never say that a Pokemon has already been caught in a story. That is the Grader’s job to decide that. You can end the story with the characters looking upon the struggling Pokeball, wondering if it’ll be caught, if that’s the type of ending you’d like better. ^^

Overall Grade

Spectacular for a Magicarp. No complaints. Magikarp caught! Have fun with the fish. ^^
__________________
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 05-11-2008 at 12:03 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:44 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com