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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-05-2008, 01:49 PM
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Default The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

The Electridied Soul of Magnemite
By NoobSlayerX3

Chapeter 1
when the power runs out

Magnemite, the silver, shiny, electric type pokemon, was having an average day at the racetrack charging various car batteries for his Pokémon race team. Its team’s car was lapping the opponents so many times that it wouldn’t have mattered if the car blew all four of its tires! Magnemite over heard some of the Magmars and Magmortars on their rivals’ team discussing something about batteries and then laughing. These fire types had flames that engulfed their body and fist that were the size of as long as a walrus tusk and as thick as a tree trunk. Magnemite didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to this talk because he was used to them just making open schemes on how they could mess up the team of Magnemites or how they could embarrass them so bad that they would never race again. However, the now nervous Magnemite realized later when charging its teams batteries that they had irregular electrical levels! Magnemite saw a swift stream of embers erupt through the cable dock of the battery. Magnemite ran as fast as it could all the way to the power plant to confer with Zapados about getting revenge on Moltres for ordering the Magmars and Magmortars to messing up the race. It talked and talked to Mr. Z but, after loosing his voice, decided he better go home and plug into the electrical socket…

As Magnemite floated by its neighbors, he saw a newly evolved Magmortar making trouble in his neighborhood. “Hey, Man! Get out of this neighborhood! You fire types are not allowed here because were steel type and you could REALLY hurt us!” said the enraged Magnemite but all Magmortar heard were a lot of furious sounding beeps coming from the silver Magnemites unseen mouth. Magmortar approached and, with the inner fire starting to burn the vacant lot that is his heart, brought flames to his fingertips. But then all of a sudden came a roaring “RAPIDASH! STOMP IT DOWN WITH YOUR GIANT HOOVES OF FURY!” and a Rapidash the size of an Entei came charging up to the Magmortar and pummeled the Magmortar with its giant feet. The flames on Magmortars fingertips became larger than ever but were now directed at the giant that was Will Smith’s Rapidash! “GO RAPIDASH! HIT ER’ WITH ANOTHER STOMP!” Rapidash rose and hit Magmmortar with her hooves right in-between the eyes. Will Smith stood with a glimmer in his dark blue eyes that showed he was determined to help the Magnemite. All of a sudden 4 Magmortars with flames as red as the blood running down the forehead of the first Magmortar. Now they were all on the Rapidash. Rapidash took down the original and hit one of the back ups as hard as it could with its blood stained, horse like feet in the stomach and it was knocked out too. Now there were three enraged Magmortars and the Magnemite knew he had to help! He ran into the smallest Magmortar and hit it with sonic boom, deafening it so that it could not hear Magnemites furious beeps. Soon though the other Magmortars noticed their partner’s absence and were mobbing Magnemite with the hottest fire blast that they could muster from the depth of hell.

Chapter 2
The Watery Helper

Magnemite knew he was toast until he saw the surface of the pond less than thirty yards away ripple. He knew that his friend, Starmie, a watery saviour to Magnemite, had heard the commotion and knew that something was wrong. Sure enough, Starmie ran over as fast as his ten leg-studs could take her. She started to dance something that, when Magnemite glanced over at her, was known to be the rain dance. It started to rain so hard that it could have been thought that Kyogre had been awakened once again! Magnemite knew it was time to use Thunder since the pouring rain would increase the pain that Magnemite so wanted to cause to the red demon spawn.

Chapter 3
Clash of Titans

At the Power Plant, Zapados saw the yellow thunder raining down and knew that it must be his apprentice, Magnemite. Zapados lifted off the ground causing such a strong gust it knocked down many of his fellow pokemon around him. He caught a glance at Pikachu's piercing eyes that said "wat the hell was that for?"…but manners didn’t matter now. He knew he had to help his student so he flapped his great yellow wings as hard as he could, burning many calories. He knew that if he did not get to his friend in time he may very well lose the best student he ever had as well as the loss of a friend closer to his heart than any other. He flew and flew until the thunder and rain was only a couple hundred yards away…but up ahead was another flyer. One with a giant red body almost resembling a phoenix. One with wings that seemed to have more fire covering them than feathers cover its entire body. This giant bird of legend was coming to help its fellow fire types that were in need. Moltres had obviously spotted Zapados as well because they were now zooming toward each other at faster than sound speeds but they are not this willing to meet for a friendly get together of tea and a tin of sweet, sweet sugar cookies.

Wings clashing, fire burning, electricity pulsing, water gushing, the battle raged on. Magnemite saw the two birds over head scratching, gouging, and beating each other into a bloody pulp. He, Starmie, and Feraligator (Feraligator replaced the Rapidash after it was amazingly knocked out by one of the bigger Magmortars) fought valiantly against the two remaining Magmortars that were so big it was almost like battling four! Feraligator blasted the smaller of the two (even though still freakishly huge) with a hydro pump so hard that you could see the flames covering Magmortars body disappear. Magmortars’ non-fiery body fell to the ground. Magnemtite glanced at Starmie only to see her fall over in valorous defeat. But as he looked at Starmies cold eyes now as dark as the night sky that was falling, he saw a trainer looking at him, unfazed by the legendary birds hovering a couple hundred feet above him or the giant Magmortar battling the rare Feraligator. No, it was obvious this trainer simply wanted Magnemite. Magnemite approached him, forgetting about the epic battle that was taking place all around him. All Magnemite wanted to do was get revenge on this electrician who he knew was the one who had blown up his parents for he had a name tag bearing the words “hello! My name is Steven”…
Many years ago, young Magnemites parents worked with Steve as batteries for the transportation of objects that had to be kept plugged in the a source of electricity. 150 years ago, Steve was working on the power plant so that Zapados had a place where cities wouldn’t be destroyed and he could gain electrical energy. Zapados was dying and needed electrical energy without harming anything. Steve offered to attach Magnemites parents to the dying Zapados but the Magnemites knew they would be serriosly harmed or worse. Zapados knew this too and told it to Steve but couldn’t stop him for Zapados was much too weak to fight back. Steve got out jumper cables, hooked them to Zapados’ wings and drained the Magnemites energy into Zapados’ heart and soul but, in the process, the Magnemites sparked and sparked at and exploded blasting off Steve’s left pinky finger. The Steve that now stood before Magnemite didn’t have a pinky on his left hand, either.

Chapter 4
Ponytas inner fire

“GO, PONYTA!” Steve called at the top of his voice. He obviously had never gone through puberty in the forty-some years he has lived because his voice was higher than an eight year olds’! Ponyta erupted from the Nest ball with a fiery mane of death and destructionand glared at the metalic Magnemite with hatred so strong that any one could tell that Ponyta had only one goal in mind: killing Magnemite. Ponyta and Magnemite had never met before this meeting and Ponyta only had such hatred because of the abuse it received from its trainer. Ponyta blazed up and hit Magnemite with a stream of searing embers that melted areas of Magnemites steel frame. Magnemite only flinched though, for he wanted to get to Steve so that he could get vengeance for his parents. Ponyta continued to slowly weaken Magnemite with his embers and hooves while Magnemite took pot shots at Ponytas’ face and legs. Magnemite defeated Ponyta by using sonic boom while it was distracted by all the noise coming from the battle that was taking place near them. Ponyta squealed in pain and retreated into the poke’ ball which rose back to Steve the electricians hand. Steve could tell that Magnemite was weak but not weak enough for what he was planning on doing. Steve sent out Riolu and slowly but surely increased the exhaustion of the already exhausted Magnemite. Magnemite just wanted to crawl up into a poke’ ball and let Nurse Joy rest him back to health. He would not, however, want to do this under the care of Steve. Magnemite gathered all his strength, breathed deep when he got the chance, and quick attacked Riolu so hard that he went into paralysis. Riolu tied and tried but just couldn’t attack Magnemite with his Quick Attack. Magnemite hit Riolu with a sonic boom and he was down for the count.

chapter 5
Hypno and the giant metal ball

“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” said Steve with a chuckle “GO! HYPNO!” A Hypno that had gogeous yet evil puple eyes and a walk so calming came out of the shiny red Poke Ball and quickly took out a silver stopwatch that had carvings of ancient runes, swung it side to side, and put Magnemites sleepy body to sleep. Magnemite wanted nothing more than this but knew at the same time he has to wake up…but…one more minute…
“NO! DON’T GO!” Magnemite dreamed “NO! PLEASE!” the Magnemite in his dream sobbed. The small Magnemite was on a dinner plate with blue and red dragons all over it. “Hmmmmmmm…needs…something…” said some dark figured man. “NO! NO PLEASE DON’T!” said Magnemite. “Don’t worry. You’ll taste just fine with ketchup! Maybe a little bit of Parmesan, too?” said Ronald Reagan with gray hair and a menacing look on his face. Magnemite woke up. There were metal rims every where in the capsule that he was trapped inside of. He saw many gizmos that whirred like trains and spun around and around. He pulled every thing he could hoping he could get out. He groaned a long, drawn out groan. He thought about the possible places he could be. He realized that he was no longer tired and that was an up side. He also noticed that there was no Steve here! That was a big improvement on where he was before…but he had no idea how he could get out of this death capsule…and that’s when it him so hard that he will probably see stars for the rest of his life…he was in a poke ball. He hit everything, trying to get out. He tried stopping the whirring gizmos, the spinning gizmos, and he even flew into the sides a couple times. He felt the ball wiggle once. He felt the ball wiggle twice. “OH MY GOD NO!” he thought in pain. And then…

Last edited by NoobSlayerX3; 05-10-2008 at 07:34 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-05-2008, 01:51 PM
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

desired pokemon: magnemite
needed: 10000
characters: 10,100 or so (i edited it)
This is my first essay! harder than expected

Last edited by NoobSlayerX3; 05-07-2008 at 02:45 AM.
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  #3  
Old 05-10-2008, 07:05 PM
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

Here I am! ^^

Plot: So a Magnemite is charging up his team’s batteries when he sees that the Fir types might have done something to the batteries. When he goes to Zapdos, he eventually just goes home and saves his breath. However, when he gets to his neighborhood, he sees a Magmortar and immediately gets angry. This soon leads up into a battle between the Magnetite (with a Starmie comrade) and the Magmortars. Zapdos sees the thunder and rain from where he is and goes to check it out. Moltres also goes to help out his fellow Fire types but clashes with Zapdos instead, creating an aerial fight. Magnemite, still in the battle, catches sight of Steven and immediately wants to get revenge for causing his parents’ death. After a long battle, Magnemite is in the Poke Ball, trying to escape.

First, I would like to congratulate you on having a unique plot for your first story. Most of the time, first stories have to do with a trainer going into the forest and finding a Pokemon, a plot so overused that is not even funny. This was certainly interesting with some kind of rivalry between the Magnemite and the Magmortars with this later escalating into a huge battle that even includes two legendaries. The whole thing with Steven and the death of the Magnemite parents a nice twist, as well. However, there are some parts that were confusing. For example, where did Will Smith and his Rapidash come from? Where did Steven come from and why exactly was he looking for Magnemite? You have to be careful that you don’t make a plot too random where it just leaves the reader, “Hey, why in the world did that happen?” Explain as many things as you can, take your time in telling us why this and that happened. Maybe Steven was looking for Magnemite to take him in because was guilty in killing its parents and giving him a good home might make up for it. Maybe Will Smith saw the commotion and felt it was wrong for such a small Pokemon being pummeled by a Magmortar. Before the story ends, answer all unanswered questions so that story wraps up nicely.

Introduction: This was so-so. You told us what Magnemite was doing and why, and that’s a good start; I didn’t want to see Magnemite pop from out from the blue just so that the story could start. On the other hand, there we some things that you didn’t add. What did Magnemite look like? Where was he? In an introduction you need to introduce the character and his surroundings. Who was Magnemite, what’s the deal with him? Is he some kind of Pokemon who is always looking for trouble and likes to mess with people, or he is he a kind and caring soul who just wants to help people out? Also, where was the racetrack and why was he there? You just need to elaborate on these things because, remember, we’ve never met the characters or been to the racetrack before so we don’t know anything at all.

Grammar/Spelling: This was quite good, I didn’t see any glaring mistakes. There are some things I would to mention:

Quote:
Magnemite was having an average day at the racetrack charging various car batteries for his Poke’mon race team.
To have the accent on the “e”, just press “Alt” and type “130”. It should give you this: é.

Quote:
Now there were 3 enraged Magmortars and the Magnemite knew he had to help!
All numbers below “100” should be spelled out so “3” should be “three”.

Quote:
150 years ago, Steve was working on the power plant so that Zapados had a place where cities wouldn’t be destroyed and he could gain electrical energy.
This is an exception to the rule I mentioned above. If a number starts out a sentence, it should be written out no matter what. So “150” here should be “One hundred and fifty”

Quote:
Magnemite just wanted to crawl up into a poke’ ball and let nurse Joy rest him back to health.
“Nurse” needs to be capitalized. The whole thing should be “Nurse Joy”.

Quote:
Riolu tied and tried but just couldn’t attack Magnemite with his quick attack.
In my opinion, all Pokemon attacks and other Pokemon related words should be capitalized so “quick attack” should be “Quick Attack” and “poke ball” should be “Poke Ball”.

Also, your story would look neater if you started a new paragraph when someone talks like how they do it in the books. It doesn’t effect your grade or anything, but it will be easier to read, and it will give your story a more professional look.

Length: Just above 10K. It’s always good to aim for the middle just in case your others areas lack; extra length can help you out. You can add extra length by expanding more on the plot.

Description/Detail: Well, other than a few adjectives here and there, there wasn’t really any. We need to see both the characters and the surroundings so that as the story goes, we have a clear picture in our mind. Even though this is a Pokemon forum, you still need to describe the Pokemon just as well as you do the human characters. What did Magnemite look like? Rapidash? Magmortar? How about the humans: Will Smith and Steven? Also, some description about where they are, what things look like around them (like how the buildings round them look like, the plant life, etc.), can help us in visualizing what is happening.

Battle: The battle, for the most part, was good. It was interesting for you to use three Pokemon to fight the Magnemite. However, it as sort of unrealistic because I can’t really see a Magnemite winning against both a Ponyta (who had a type advantage over Magnemite) and a Riolu, but it isn’t such a big deal, just make sure avoid making Magnetite a little bit too powerful.

Description is also a must in this area. The attacks need to be seen ratehr than read. How did Sonicboom look like; was it a wave that rippled the air and made everybody covered their ears in pain? Did the Embers look like blood-red fire balls that soared through the air like min suns? Just take your time and describe the battle more, make it exciting. This is the ending of the story, you want to end it with a bang!

Outcome: This was borderline since it’s you first story and the plot was good, but there was basically no description and a Medium Pokemon needs some kind of description. For now: Magnemite not captured! This was a good story, and I liked it because it was out of the norm. Just add some description to the characters (Magbemite, the Magmortars, Steven, etc.) and the surroundings (the racetrack, the neighborhood), and the magnet is yours. Just PM me for a re-grade when you’re ready. ^^

- Kat
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  #4  
Old 05-10-2008, 07:36 PM
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

thanks for the grade. I edited the grammar problems (which uppon a third reading came to light) and i added more description. all my edits are in bold...i didnt fully understand the part about "starting a new paragraph when some one talks" part of the grade
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Old 05-11-2008, 02:13 AM
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

Sorry, we went to see "Iron Man". ^^;

(That movie was compeltely awesome!)

Well, it's good though I could see you using more. Since the rest of the story was nice, I'll say: Magnemite captured! However, you have to step it up a notch in your decriptions in your future stories, really make it vivid and colorful or else you'll fall short of capturing the Pokemon you want. reading succesful URPG stories can show you how vivd description should be written. Just keep that in mind for next time, okay?

And what I mean about the paragraphs is that instead of having your story like this:

Quote:
“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” said Steve with a chuckle “GO! HYPNO!” A Hypno that had gogeous yet evil puple eyes and a walk so calming came out of the shiny red Poke Ball and quickly took out a silver stopwatch that had carvings of ancient runes, swung it side to side, and put Magnemites sleepy body to sleep. Magnemite wanted nothing more than this but knew at the same time he has to wake up…but…one more minute…
“NO! DON’T GO!” Magnemite dreamed “NO! PLEASE!” the Magnemite in his dream sobbed. The small Magnemite was on a dinner plate with blue and red dragons all over it. “Hmmmmmmm…needs…something…” said some dark figured man. “NO! NO PLEASE DON’T!” said Magnemite. “Don’t worry. You’ll taste just fine with ketchup! Maybe a little bit of Parmesan, too?” said Ronald Reagan with gray hair and a menacing look on his face. Magnemite woke up. There were metal rims every where in the capsule that he was trapped inside of. He saw many gizmos that whirred like trains and spun around and around. He pulled every thing he could hoping he could get out. He groaned a long, drawn out groan. He thought about the possible places he could be. He realized that he was no longer tired and that was an up side. He also noticed that there was no Steve here! That was a big improvement on where he was before…but he had no idea how he could get out of this death capsule…and that’s when it him so hard that he will probably see stars for the rest of his life…he was in a poke ball. He hit everything, trying to get out. He tried stopping the whirring gizmos, the spinning gizmos, and he even flew into the sides a couple times. He felt the ball wiggle once. He felt the ball wiggle twice. “OH MY GOD NO!” he thought in pain. And then…
This would look neater:

Quote:
“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” said Steve with a chuckle

“GO! HYPNO!”

A Hypno that had gogeous yet evil puple eyes and a walk so calming came out of the shiny red Poke Ball and quickly took out a silver stopwatch that had carvings of ancient runes, swung it side to side, and put Magnemites sleepy body to sleep. Magnemite wanted nothing more than this but knew at the same time he has to wake up…but…one more minute…

“NO! DON’T GO!” Magnemite dreamed “NO! PLEASE!” the Magnemite in his dream sobbed.

The small Magnemite was on a dinner plate with blue and red dragons all over it. “Hmmmmmmm…needs…something…” said some dark figured man.

“NO! NO PLEASE DON’T!” said Magnemite.

“Don’t worry. You’ll taste just fine with ketchup! Maybe a little bit of Parmesan, too?” said Ronald Reagan with gray hair and a menacing look on his face.

Magnemite woke up. There were metal rims every where in the capsule that he was trapped inside of. He saw many gizmos that whirred like trains and spun around and around. He pulled every thing he could hoping he could get out. He groaned a long, drawn out groan. He thought about the possible places he could be. He realized that he was no longer tired and that was an up side. He also noticed that there was no Steve here! That was a big improvement on where he was before…but he had no idea how he could get out of this death capsule…and that’s when it him so hard that he will probably see stars for the rest of his life…he was in a poke ball. He hit everything, trying to get out. He tried stopping the whirring gizmos, the spinning gizmos, and he even flew into the sides a couple times. He felt the ball wiggle once. He felt the ball wiggle twice.

“OH MY GOD NO!” he thought in pain.

And then…
See, it doesn't look so bunched up now, it looks better, and it's easier to read. Doing this to your stories will give it a better first impression. =)

- Kat
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  #6  
Old 05-11-2008, 03:03 AM
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

thank you so much for the grades and now i see what you ment by the dialouge separation = )
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