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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-04-2008, 06:04 AM
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Nitro Offline
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Default The Guild's Adventure!

Based on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time and Darkness

Aiming For:Magby
Required Characters:5k-10k
Characters:10957

------------------------------------------

"All expedition members please come to the guild lobby. Repeat, all expedition members please come to the guild lobby!"

A voice rang over the PA, and Nitro quickly stuffed the rest of his belongings in his backpack. Wigger Muff, the guild's extremely nice headmaster, was taking the whole guild on an expedition. Nitro hurriedly slung his backpack over his shoulder, and dashed towards the lobby. He took the stairs, or more accurately, jumped the majority of the stairs.

"Ah, Nitro! There you are!" Headmaster Wigger Muff was wearing a pink-and-white T-shirt, as usual. "We've been waiting for you. All the other guild members have already settled."

Wigger motioned his hand toward the other apprentices of the guild. There was Chim Ko, an Asian that was assigned to preparing dinner. Beside him was Litt Dig, and his father, Treeo Dig, who were sentries and information providers. Nitro also spotted Laud Rid, Kor Fish, Bid Ewf, Sun Flaura and the Headmaster's assistant, Cha Taut.

"So, I'm last here?" Nitro asked.

"As usual," Cha Taut said.

"Aw, Cha, stop being such a meanie! Everyone's different!" Wigger whined.

Cha started to sweat. "I wasn't making fun of him, I was merely answering his-"

"YOOM...TAH!" Wigger yelled.

Everyone blinked twice.

"Hey hey hey, are we going or what?" Kor yelled impatiently.

"Yes, we'd better go before we get behind on schedule," Cha answered.

"Then let's go! YOOM... TAH!" Wigger yelled dramatically.

Everyone blinked twice.

And thus, the guild members left the guild, and started on their expedition.

Many days passed, and they took their toll on the guild members.

Nitro's mahogany hair turned to a light brown as the many streaks of red dye wasted away over these days. His body took many bruises and scratches and his light brown eyes drooped from lack of sleep as they traversed past many mountains. They met many wild Pokemon along the way, but the group of guild members managed to defeat these Pokemon without much too trouble.

One night, Nitro worked up the courage to ask the question all the apprentices were wishing to know.

"With all due respect, may I ask a question?" Nitro asked Cha.

"Hmm? Of course," Cha answered.

"Where are we going?" Nitro asked.

"You'll find out in due time," answered Cha infuriatingly.

Headmaster Wigger was just as secretive as Cha, always replying "It's a secret, don't spoil a secret!" when asked.

Another day passed, and the apprentices met a thick layer of fog. That night, the Headmaster revealed some information about their whereabouts and whereabouts-to-be.

"I'm sure you've all been wondering where we're going," Cha announced after dinnner.

All the apprentices groaned, but Cha ignored the sound.

"Well, the Headmaster has decided to tell you all. Headmaster!" Cha yelled into the Headmaster's tent.

The Headmaster came out of the tent, biting an apple.

"Hello, everyone! Now, as Cha tells me, you've all been itching to find out where we're headed. Well, I'll tell you all now," Wigger said.

"We are at the Foggy Forest. After the forest, we will be at Steam Cave. Steam Cave is our destination. There, there lies a treasure. That treasure is the objective of this expedition," Wigger revealed.

"Golly, a treasure?" Bid gasped in awe.

"Hey hey hey, what is this treasure?" Kor asked loudly.

"That, we don't know. However, according to many rumors, we can assume safely the treasure is supposed to be deep in a lake on the top of the cave, so it'll be tough to retrieve," Cha answered.

"On the top of the cave? How?" Sun pondered out loud.

"The cave is shaped like a giant goblet, and like a goblet, there is water in this goblet-cave. That would be the lake," Cha replied.

Wigger stepped up. "I'm sure you all have many questions regarding this, but we plan to enter the Steam Cave tomorrow. It's nearly past midnight already, and we've got a big day ahead of us. So, we must get to our beds. Goodnight, everyone!"

Headmaster Wigger yawned, and retreated to his tent. Cha followed suit, and soon everyone was in the world of dreams.

The next day, they made the journey towards Steam Cave. They set up their tents outside the cave entrance for the night. Everyone was hyped up for the adventure, and Nitro found himself polishing his Pokeballs nervously.

"Alright, settle down everyone," Wigger yelled over everyone next morning.

The guild apprentices were all extremely peppy this morning. They were all hyper about the adventure into Steam Cave. They all hushed up when Wigger motioned for them to be quiet, however.

"Now, we will all go into seperate groups of two to explore Steam Cave: I'm going with Cha, Sun is going with Kor, Chim with Laud, Litt with his father and Nitro with Bid. Now, gear up everyone!" Wigger finished.

Everyone retreated into their tents to retrieve their backpack and supplies. Nitro packed the rest of his supplies, put the Pokeballs on his belt, and prepared himself for the journey.

"Nitro, y' ready?" Bid popped his head into the tent and looked at Nitro.

"All ready, let's go," Nitro replied, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

"Great, let's go," Bid said, motioning for Nitro to follow him.

Together, Nitro and Bid entered Steam Cave and traveled through the cave. It wasn't long before they were stopped by a duo of Magby. Nitro released his Blastoise from its Pokeball.

"Blastoise!" the Pokemon grunted in a low voice.

"Hey, I want some action too!" Bid yelled enthusiastically, tossing out a Pokeball.

The Pokeball blew up to reveal a Bibarel. The Bibarel stood up beside Blastoise, and prepared for battle. The duo of Magby launched a series of Ember attacks. The bullets of fire were deflected as Nitro ordered Blastoise to go in front of Bibarel and use Withdraw.

"Golly, Nitro, thanks for that. Bibarel, leap out from behind Blastoise and use that new HM you learned! Golly, what was it again? Surf, I think. Yeah, that's what it was. Use Surf, Bibarel!" Bid ordered.

As Bibarel leaped over Blastoise, Nitro got an idea. "Bubblebomb, stay in your shell and prepare to use Skull Bash!"

A wave of rapidly rushing water engulfed Bubblebomb the Blastoise and the Magby duo. Blastoise didn't take any damage since it was hiding in its shell. The Magby, however, received loads of damage, and were knocked to the ground. Bubblebomb swerved towards them in its shell, propelled by the wave. The impact was fatal for both Magby. They were both knocked flying and disappeared further down the cave.

"Golly, that was easy!" Bid said happily.

Nitro, Bid, and their Pokemon travelled deeper into the cave, encountering nothing more than about 20-30 Magby which were disposed of quickly, and they eventually came up to the top of the goblet-shaped cave.

"Hmm, no one else is here. I guess they're not here yet," Bid said, looking around.

"Yeah," Nitro agreed.

"Nitro! Bid! Friends!"

Nitro and Bid turned around. Wigger was dashing towards them, a happy grin on his face. He hugged them happily, and left both Nitro and Bid feeling very odd.

"Hello Nitro, Bid," Cha followed Wigger, embarrased by his superior's actions.

"Hey guys. Look at this view!" Nitro exclaimed, turning around to look at the lake.

The four of them looked at the sparkling lake.

"So pretty!" Wigger said with a shine in his wide light green eyes.

"Yes, the moonlight compliments the prettiness," Cha agreed, awestruck.

"What do you seek here?" An unfamaliar voice rang around Nitro, Bid, Cha and Wigger.

Astonished, the four of them jumped and looked around them. However, they saw no one.

"WHAT DO YOU SEEK?" the same voice asked, this time more threatiningly.

"W-w-we seek a treasure," Cha said hurriedly.

"Ah, like the many others who came here. Sadly, I cannot let you have the treasure," the voice replied.

"Why?" Wigger asked sadly.

"Because I am the guardian of this lake. And being the guardian, it is implied in my mandate that I must guard this treasure," the voice answered.

A yellow and unrecognizable Pokemon jumped up from under the water, and landed in front of the four guild members.

"G-g-golly, who are you and how can you talk to us?" Bid asked, slowly backing away.

"I'm Uxie, a legendary Pokemon. I'm using telepathy to communicate with you. Now, please leave before I'm forced to use force," Uxie answered.

Wigger, Cha, Bid and Nitro all pulled out Pokeballs and released their Pokemon. Wigger tossed out a Wigglypuff, Cha with his Chatot, Bid with his Bibarel and Nitro with his Bubblebomb.

"This is an unfair match. Magmar!" Uxie called.

A Magmar came out from behind a boulder.

"Magmar, mag mag magmar," the Pokemon grunted.

"Magmar, defeat these people," Uxie ordered, diving into water.

"Mag mar magmar!!" Magmar called out.

From the boulder that Magmar emerged from, six Magby approached. The Magby split up into groups of two, and the one group attacked Cha, another against Bid, and one final one against Nitro. The Magmar faced Wigger. Nitro and Bubblebomb faced their Magby duo, and prepared for a battle.

"Bubblebomb, start off with Aqua Tail to knock one of the Magby!" Nitro ordered.

Bubblebomb tried to knock Magby's feet with its tail, but the Magby managed to jump over the attack. The other Magby used Confuse Ray. The flashing lights from the attack made Bubblebomb dizzy, and it couldn't see anything. The two Magby smiled, and jumped onto the dizzy Blastoise's back. Bubblebomb, feeling the intruders on its back, tried to knock them off with a Rapid Spin. However, the Magby clung onto Bubblebomb's cannons.

"Grr... Bubblebomb, return!" Nitro returned Bubblebomb back to its Pokeball. "Now, let's see if you can do the job. Come on, Lord!"

Nitro threw another Pokeball. A Gabite was launched out.

"Ga Ga Ga GABITE!!" the Gabite roared.

"Gabite, used Dragon Rush! Beat both of them up!"

Gabite charged at the two Magby, glowing with a bright blue aura.

"Mag, mag, magby!" the two Pokemon used Fire Blast in a desperate attempt to hold off Gabite.

The Fire attacks bounced off the charging Gabite, dealing practically no damage when Gabite had a Ground type resistance, a Dragon type resistance and the aura of Dragon Rush surrounding it. Gabite hit both Magby, knocking one into the lake and the other into the boulder which it and its fellow Magby had come from.

"Finish that Magby, use TM Shadow Claw!" Nitro ordered, concluding the one in the lake was finished.

Gabite swiped at the Magby with a claw packed with dark energy. The Magby fell unconscious. Nitro decided to toss a Pokeball at it.

The Pokeball shook for what seemed like ages to Nitro, but Nitro was aware of his friends battling with the remaining Magby and Magmar. Nitro lost track of time in the pressure flowing to his head. Eventually the Pokeball apparently stopped shaking. Nitro leaned in for a closer look. The Pokeball was...
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Last edited by Nitro; 05-04-2008 at 06:08 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-10-2008, 02:27 PM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: The Guild's Adventure!

Sorry for your wait, I was grading stories that had been waiting longer than yours first. I hope you understand ^^

Grade

Plot

Based off that game, yeah? Well, unfortunately, I haven’t played that Pokemon game so I’ll have to look at this story from a third-party perspective.

Nitro, a member of a guild (what guild?) has embarked on an expedition with other members of the guild, and the Headmaster, Wigger Muff. The headmaster reveals that the expedition is about finding a special treasure in a cave, and the trainers embark into it in pairs. After defeating some tiresome Magby, they come across the goblet-shaped cave, only to be stopped by a legendary Uxie. It sends armies of Magbys after the trainers, and Nitro defeats 2 and decides to try and catch one.

Since it’s based off a game, I can’t say that it’s the most original plot in the world. Basing something off a movie or game is a HUGE no-no, unless you were planning to make a parody, or change it drastically. You basically followed the main plotline, but changing the characters to humans. Not very creative.

However, from a person who’s never played the game before, I would consider it a lovely plot. You know, you shouldn’t have said it was based off a game - very honest, and I commend you for that, but it totally turns me off the plot. :3

Introduction

Nicely done, covered the standard who/what/when/where/why basis very nicely. However, I must say, you never actually described Nitro very well, nor any of the other characters. I’ll cover this in Description, but it’s crucial to describe each and every bit of your story with great detail - but since Magby is a simple level Pokemon, I’m willing to let your average-introduction slide. ^^

You never told us what the Guild was about, either. I’m still curious. D:

Length

Yes, yes. 10 k, and Magby only needs 5 - 10 k.. good work. Nothing to complain or whine about here, :P. Just remember that dragging on the story to get the extra length may not be worth it when it comes to grading time, as the reader may be bored - but your story didn’t have many boring bits, so well done in handling the length.

Grammar

I can’t believe this - in your entire story, I found literally no mistakes that were large enough to mention! You obviously have a good grasp on grammar, despite the occasional typo (ok, they’re a little frequent. Make sure to check on those.). Of course, I have to add, you didn’t include many complex sentences or paragraphs that required excellent grammar skills, so it seemed reasonably easy for you. ^^

However..

Quote:
"Hey hey hey, what is this treasure?" Kor asked loudly.
The ‘Hey, hey, hey’ should have commas separating each word, as it’s grammatically correct as it isn’t technically one sentence, but a slang way of speaking. ^^. Keep this in mind.

Quote:
Nitro, Bid, and their Pokemon travelled deeper into the cave, encountering nothing more than about 20-30 Magby which were disposed of quickly,
Usually, when you’re using numbers as adjectives, you should spell the numbers out in ‘cheque-form’. It’s just a thing you do in story writing. So, it should be ‘Twenty to thirty Magby’. ^^

Other than that - it was pretty much spotless. Well done! Just watch out for those typos. ^^

Description

Lacking. Very lacking. Although you knew what you were talking about when describing certain things, the use of flowing descriptions is severely lacking. I say that, in a story, you should try and paint a picture in the reader’s head - unfortunately, you failed to accomplish this in my books. You’re a regular in URPG, so you’re expected to be a higher standard. :x

Take this for example:

Quote:
There was Chim Ko, an Asian that was assigned to preparing dinner. Beside him was Litt Dig, and his father, Treeo Dig, who were sentries and information providers. Nitro also spotted Laud Rid, Kor Fish, Bid Ewf, Sun Flaura and the Headmaster's assistant, Cha Taut.
All I see is a long list of characters that would be hardly suitable for a script of a play. No description of what the characters look like at all, except the fact that Chim Ko was Asian. Did they have their own distinct personalities? What kind of clothing did they wear? How did each of them stand? Were they bored with waiting, or excited for the voyage?

Key points like that are very important for description.

Battle

I commend you for the use of Magby’s against a Blastoise and Garchomp. It was very 2-sided, a little unrealistic though. A Magby knocking a Blastoise out? Not very probable, and I know that you were trying to make the battle even, but you could have done it in other ways.. Such as making the Blastoise fall into the lake and be attacked by a rough fire attack, or something. There are so many possibilities you can use with the landscape around your battle, so don’t be afraid to toy around with that.

Apart from that, the battle was actually pretty good for a Magby. A nice variation of attacks and Pokemon that pleased me. But it was a little short and unrealistic. ^^

Overall Grade

This one was really on the borderline. This one was a toughie. Although your great grammar and length held up for you, the lack of description and unrealism of the battle brought the grade down - even for the Simple-level Magby. So, for now, Magby not caught.

I would suggest simply improving on a few descriptions here and there, but the main thing I’d like you to do is work on the battle. Include the scenary. Give the Pokemon and the trainer feelings. How did they feel in the situation they were in? None of this was given, and the story has the great opportunity to be a good one if these are improved.

Feel free to PM me for a re-grade whenever you’re ready. ^^
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  #3  
Old 05-10-2008, 05:10 PM
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Default Re: The Guild's Adventure!

Thanks for the grade, Splishee.
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Last edited by Nitro; 08-27-2011 at 11:28 AM.
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