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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-28-2008, 10:57 PM
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Default Character Conclusions: Gary!


Note: This is the start of a series of stories, featuring Ash's anime rivals and how their lives have unfolded. And sorry this one is so crap, I wrote it quickly. ;3

Pokemon: Lotad
Characters: 5249

“You know, Misty, it’ll be our anniversary next week,” I mumbled quietly, bending down to inspect a Roselia. It giggled merrily as I tickled it, its petals beautiful crimson and azure colours. We were out on a field experiment for our laboratory, investigating whether the quality of the water around these parts was good or bad. By the looks of things, it was pretty good; the Roselia had plenty of nutrients in her and her flowers were glossy. Perching myself back down, the log beneath me creaked slightly.

“Yeah, I know,” Misty smiled back at me, turning away from the Budew sat beside her. The wind was gentle today in the quiet wood, a lovely place to relax and do a bit of research at the same time. Her vivid red ponytail ruffled softly in the breeze, and her crystal blue eyes glistened in the warm rays of the sun. Even after all these years her appearance had hardly changed at all. “Gary,” she continued, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but all that time ago when I was travelling with Ash, did you ever get jealous?”

There it was. The dreaded question. Not even the pleasant breeze, sunshine, and pools of crystal clear water could stop me feeling awkward and uneasy. I shifted around on my log, Roselia looking up at me in bewilderment.

“Well,” I began, “I, uhh…” Pausing, I desperately tried to think of an appropriate answer. If I said yes, she’d think me selfish and immature. If I said no, she’d assume I didn’t care and I definitely cared about her. This was what I didn’t like about girls: they always had to ask silly questions. “Umm…”

Misty let out a small giggle, and reassured me, “don’t worry, you don’t need to answer that.” And with that, she turned back around and continued to play with Budew. Phew…

Eurgh, my coat was filthy. Having a white coat is never easy out on field experiments, particularly when you’re in a forest with Pokemon. The mud and such was splattered all along the hem at the bottom. Still, I couldn’t help but smile at the patterns that’d been left in the dirt by playful Pokemon. Glancing down at Roselia, it was dancing innocently. It looked so cute and happy. But my thoughts were disrupted by squawking overhead in the skies. Inclining my head upward to assess the situation, I saw Starly flapping about frantically.

“What is it, boy?” I called to him, worried about what could be wrong. He simply spun around several times in the air, squawking and screeching, his face evident with concern. He was right to be concerned, however, as several Lotad crawled from the nearby pond. The water surface shattered like glass as some flopped out onto the bank. “So that’s what…”

All of them looked disturbed and angry. Probably because of our presence here in the uninhabited wood, but surely it wouldn’t make them that irate. They seemed like they wouldn’t back down, and they were preparing an attack. Umbreon can handle them, no problem. Reaching for my belt, I grasped thin air when I went for Umbreon’s Pokemon. Swivelling my arms around my waist, I realised I’d left all my other Pokemon back at the lab.

“Damn,” I cursed softly under my breath. All of Misty’s Pokemon were at the lab in the garden, playing in the pool. Now what?

“Star!” Starly squawked above me. He circled the Lotad high up in the air. I could only assume he wanted to battle, and so I agreed.

-----

{You’re in for some pain, lads,} I growled, landing hastily on the dusty earth. I eyed up the group of Lotad. They didn’t seem so tough. After all, they were weak to my flying attack. The leader cackled, and eyed me up the same.

{That’s a lie, you’re the one who’ll be in pain!} he snarled, lunging forward. The leaf upon his head began glowing a faint blue colour, and I needed no command to evade the Zen Headbutt. Dividing my energy up, I split myself into four or five clones, the charging Lotad just diving through one of them faster than I expected. Regrouping my clones to my body, I shook myself alert. He was fast; I needed to be more careful

Ready for another attack, I steadied myself on the ground. But the ground was dusty and the dirt swirled around as I moved my feet. Not a bad idea. Flapping my wings, I whipped up a Whirlwind to carry the dust and dirt. Moving my wings faster, the Whirlwind tore through to air and toward Lotad. He winced at the attack, digging his heels into the ground to stop himself being moved. I tired quickly, however, and soon slowed down the pace of my wings for a quick rest. The perfect opportunity for Lotad to get a hit in.

He raised his head and opened his mouth, forcing out a jet of water. The Water Gun hit me dead on, despite my best efforts to evade the assault. With my wings soaked to the bone, flying was pretty much out of the equation. Sighing loudly, I readied myself for an attack that’d probably do more harm than good. Still, it can’t hurt to try.

Hastily running across the path, I tilted my body side on to Lotad. I’d never tried Take Down before, but it sure hurt a lot. I rammed my body into him, sending him soaring through the air and across the sky. I flinched from the recoil I took, almost falling to the ground myself. In the distance I could see an abandoned Pokeball, right where Lotad was headed. Would he land on it, or away from it?
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iamnotyou11 (00:41:35): scrotom?

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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 07-05-2008 at 06:23 PM. Reason: Added the cutest banner x3
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  #2  
Old 05-06-2008, 06:07 PM
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Default Re: Character Conclusions: Gary!

Story/Plot:
Pretty simple. Gary and Misty (who are in a relationship?) are out on a field experiment thingy. They talk about their relationship a bit, then Gary wonders upon a Starly that looks concered about Lotad crawling in the water of the nearby pond. Starly battles with Gary to get a Lotad.

As I said, simple. Nothing really special here or anything. Not much to say about you, but just because this is for a simple Pokemon doesn't mean you just let the plot fly by and make it really simple. You can make it more elaborate and whatnot. Along with the characters, with people from the anime you can't use too much information as they already have their set background. With made-up people, you can make up their own background and make them more personal and real to the readers. The plot can be more personal too, this one was kind of "sit in forest and see Pokemon" thing. And as you know, those are quite boring unless backed up with some form of great something or other in the middle or end of the story.

I do see that you made this a love-form-of story, which are interesing, since there wasn't much background on the loving of the two, it made me have a hard time getting into the feel of them being together, considering their from anime and all that big debate and whatnot, but I can also see that is where you used your imagination, which is very good and helps a lot, imagination means you're being more creative. Creative in stories is good. D:

Introduction:
I liked it, liked it, liked it. It was interesting to see who the "I" person was, since you're using first person in a story about anime characters. :o But, it ended up Gary which I didn't think it was going to be. Surprisement is good, makes the person who is reading wonder more of what is going to happen in the story, which would get them hooked on, which is good. :o

Also you supplied the surrounding (or setting) which some people forget to do, good job on that. D:

Grammar/Spelling:
MAKIN' MY JOB HARD, EH? Yea, I didn't find anything except the typo here and there. Just make sure you spot those out so no one stops and wonder what you're trying to (or am) talking about. D:

Length:
Could use a bit more. Even though quality > quantity, that doesn't mean you can just write almost nothing even if your story is like "OMGSUPERAWESOME." Ya, make sure you have at least 1k over the minimum length given... or at least I would do that. :x

Detail:
A bit short here. D: But you made up for it in the small battle that influenced much of this story. Just make sure you have a bit more description in the smaller parts of the story. Even small, almost unimportant things, need to have a bit of description in them, not just the bigger more important parts. I did like how you described the main-characters, and the clothes they worse, instead of just "a white lab coat" you did somehting like this...

Quote:
The mud and such was splattered all along the hem at the bottom.
I could see exactly what you were talking about, but I missed that in other parts, at times I couldn't see anything clearly. D: This though, was just on the spot for saying what the bottom of a coat looks like when mud and gunky stuff is splattered on it.

But you seem to have forgetten description in other parts, this was very well done, but then I'd read another part and completely miss that kind of description you used. Make sure you're using as much description as possible in stories, but not too much since too much descripion can rip off readers from the real main point of the story, which had happened to me way too many times and makes everything harder to infer since sometimes you'll have to re-read a lot of things to understand them. But that same thing comes with small amounts of detail, you have to re-read and re-read to make sure you know what the writer is really talking about, and seeing themselves.

Battle:
This was a little over par. :O Which is good, I could see all the attacks, you made it more of anime battle which I don't see much of; they dodged, moved, flew, used surroundings and did just about everything I wanted them to do (the Pokemon that is :P). And it was interesting that you switched from Gary ----> Starly in the battle, making it feel more so of a battle. Talking back and forth, but the Pokemono themself, not the trainer yelling attacks but Pokemon talking back at each other and dodging on their own. It was good to read and probably was the most decent part of the story.

The battle really made the story, and seemed to be the best part, it was most likely, easily even, your best part of the story. But a battle doesn't make the story a story. The other parts do as much as the battle doesn. Originality (if that's a word xD), plot, funness, making the reader want more of the story.

Final Outcome:
This was a hard decision, while I typed this out I leaned toward both sides of the outcome. But at the same time I knew I couldn't keep it from you, mixed emotions on this story. But, since the battle was quite vivid along with the detail at times and this only being a little simple mon. Lotad captured! Just make sure you keep in mind to make future stories longer than just whatt he minimum is given. This story I didn't have much problem with but make sure to have longer and more original stories in the future. :O
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  #3  
Old 05-06-2008, 08:04 PM
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Default Re: Character Conclusions: Gary!

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Jr Trainer View Post
Story/Plot:
Pretty simple. Gary and Misty (who are in a relationship?) are out on a field experiment thingy. They talk about their relationship a bit, then Gary wonders upon a Starly that looks concered about Lotad crawling in the water of the nearby pond. Starly battles with Gary to get a Lotad.

As I said, simple. Nothing really special here or anything. Not much to say about you, but just because this is for a simple Pokemon doesn't mean you just let the plot fly by and make it really simple. You can make it more elaborate and whatnot. Along with the characters, with people from the anime you can't use too much information as they already have their set background. With made-up people, you can make up their own background and make them more personal and real to the readers. The plot can be more personal too, this one was kind of "sit in forest and see Pokemon" thing. And as you know, those are quite boring unless backed up with some form of great something or other in the middle or end of the story.

Hehe, totally agree with the simple plot part and letting it fly by. It sounded so much better in my head, and when I wrote it down I lacked the creative flare that I needed. D:

I do see that you made this a love-form-of story, which are interesing, since there wasn't much background on the loving of the two, it made me have a hard time getting into the feel of them being together, considering their from anime and all that big debate and whatnot, but I can also see that is where you used your imagination, which is very good and helps a lot, imagination means you're being more creative. Creative in stories is good. D:

Introduction:
I liked it, liked it, liked it. It was interesting to see who the "I" person was, since you're using first person in a story about anime characters. :o But, it ended up Gary which I didn't think it was going to be. Surprisement is good, makes the person who is reading wonder more of what is going to happen in the story, which would get them hooked on, which is good. :o

Also you supplied the surrounding (or setting) which some people forget to do, good job on that. D:

Grammar/Spelling:
MAKIN' MY JOB HARD, EH? Yea, I didn't find anything except the typo here and there. Just make sure you spot those out so no one stops and wonder what you're trying to (or am) talking about. D:

Try to talking about? :P But yeah, thanks. ^^

Length:
Could use a bit more. Even though quality > quantity, that doesn't mean you can just write almost nothing even if your story is like "OMGSUPERAWESOME." Ya, make sure you have at least 1k over the minimum length given... or at least I would do that. :x

Eurgh, I hated how my story was so short. Lmao, OMGSUPER AWESOME was what I was hoping for, but it kinda didn't work out. ^^;

Detail:
A bit short here. D: But you made up for it in the small battle that influenced much of this story. Just make sure you have a bit more description in the smaller parts of the story. Even small, almost unimportant things, need to have a bit of description in them, not just the bigger more important parts. I did like how you described the main-characters, and the clothes they worse, instead of just "a white lab coat" you did somehting like this...

Lol, I do have troubles with the little things that I forget. D:

I could see exactly what you were talking about, but I missed that in other parts, at times I couldn't see anything clearly. D: This though, was just on the spot for saying what the bottom of a coat looks like when mud and gunky stuff is splattered on it.

My bad. ^^; My description is kinda inconsistent. :x

But you seem to have forgetten description in other parts, this was very well done, but then I'd read another part and completely miss that kind of description you used. Make sure you're using as much description as possible in stories, but not too much since too much descripion can rip off readers from the real main point of the story, which had happened to me way too many times and makes everything harder to infer since sometimes you'll have to re-read a lot of things to understand them. But that same thing comes with small amounts of detail, you have to re-read and re-read to make sure you know what the writer is really talking about, and seeing themselves.

Battle:
This was a little over par. :O Which is good, I could see all the attacks, you made it more of anime battle which I don't see much of; they dodged, moved, flew, used surroundings and did just about everything I wanted them to do (the Pokemon that is :P). And it was interesting that you switched from Gary ----> Starly in the battle, making it feel more so of a battle. Talking back and forth, but the Pokemono themself, not the trainer yelling attacks but Pokemon talking back at each other and dodging on their own. It was good to read and probably was the most decent part of the story.

The battle really made the story, and seemed to be the best part, it was most likely, easily even, your best part of the story. But a battle doesn't make the story a story. The other parts do as much as the battle doesn. Originality (if that's a word xD), plot, funness, making the reader want more of the story.

Lol, thanks. I always like writing the battle. I guess it's a "natural flare". O_O;

Final Outcome:
This was a hard decision, while I typed this out I leaned toward both sides of the outcome. But at the same time I knew I couldn't keep it from you, mixed emotions on this story. But, since the battle was quite vivid along with the detail at times and this only being a little simple mon. Lotad captured! Just make sure you keep in mind to make future stories longer than just whatt he minimum is given. This story I didn't have much problem with but make sure to have longer and more original stories in the future. :O
x]

Thanks Jr. <33

;3
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iamnotyou11 (00:41:35): scrotom?

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