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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-21-2008, 08:00 PM
Deoxys Ribonuke's Avatar
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Default Browsing through the Brush

Isn't this how all journeys begin? she thought to herself as she entered the forest. Could the whole region be any more formulaic?

She nonetheless hung her shoulders down, shoving her hands into her pockets, and continued onwards. She could hardly stand to glance at the small orange chick tagging at her feet, ogling up at her with its disproportional brown eyes, its yellow topknot of feathers quivering with excitement.

The teen continued on, trying to avoid eye contact with the Torchic as she continued along the forest path.

Jill Hockney seemed to be dissatisfied with everything that she came across, no matter how pleasant or joyful the incident or occasion; for this reason, she drove her parents up the wall as if she were piloting an adherent bulldozer. So you could only imagine their reaction when she suddenly brought forth that she wanted to become a Pokemon Trainer. Taking pride in Jill's sudden recovery from her immovable pessimism, they nurtured the idea with as much as they could, for being so far out of their means, at least. It was only until she turned 16 that they had finally raised enough money to send her across the Pacific to Sinnoh, the closest region.
Jill eventually drove a hard bargain with the officials when choosing her starter, being in a dilemma between Chimchar and Piplup. To satisfy her, and to get the jam-packed line of irritated aspiring trainers moving again, they offered her a Hoenn starter, Torchic. Even she couldn't see any harm in the seemingly perfect combination. Not being able to come up with a better name, she came up with Stefani. Yes, that's right, after the musical artist...

Oh, but what high maintenance! The stupid bird had no middle when it came to moods; it would either be joyfully hyper or listlessly depressed, cavity-inducingly sweet or hair-tairing mad, and, probably the most annoying of all, frustratingly clingy or afflicted with incorrigible wanderlust.

For the latter, Jill had chosen the forest as their starting location for their journey together; she would hear her rustling if she were to spontaneously choose a time to go for a walk, and compared to the cool dark green of the forest, she'd stick out like a sore thumb.

As if on cue, the sound of rustling grass caused her to wheel around. Sure enough, the flame chick was now meandering up the hillside. "Oh, dear god... Stefani, not again!" Giving a groan of exasperation, she trudged up after her, brushing aside a lock of her oily red hair in the process. It was when she looked up again that she noticed that Stefani had stopped, and was now staring intently at a nearby pine tree.

"Oh come on, give it up before your eyes end up getting stuck like that!" she trilled. However, personal curiosity won out as she finally reached the tree, and coaxing her to look up into the tree as well...

BAM!


Jill groaned in shock as something rammed her right between the eyes from above. Her shoulder banged hard against the ground as she came in contact with it, her skull soon following. Her teeth clacked together, sending a wave of painful pressure; she wore she could feel the bruises crawling on her body. Her body acted for her as her ears caught another noise, shoving her body backwards. Her lower back slammed into the same tree as before. Tired of moving her way through the personal darkness of her closed eyes, she opened them.

Stefani was just in front of her, and scratching at a grassy pine cone with her pale talons.

She couldn't help but laugh; all of that damage to her body from a bloody pinecone? Absolutely ridiculous.

She trailed off as Stefani jumped, emitting a loud peep in the process; the cone had moved.

Jill stared at the pinecone, although she was soon beginning to realize that this object did not resemble a pine cone in even the slightest. A small black head popped from within, beady yellow eyes staring at her; her first battle was imminent!

(To be continued)
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Last edited by Deoxys Ribonuke; 04-21-2008 at 08:44 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-21-2008, 09:12 PM
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Default Re: Browsing through the Brush

"AGHHH! IT'S ALIVE!"

Jill hurried to her feet, distancing herself as much as possible from the beastly bug. Her scream probably sounded as clear as a foghorn in this lonely forest, but can you help it when something you think is plant matter turns out to be something that can move? She soon came to noticed that Stefani had hopped into her arms as well, and seemed to be equally frightened. If this had been a children's show, one might expect them to burst out in laughter at this point. Alas, they did not, and instead turned to face the Burmy with determined scowls; they were going to catch this thing...

"Stefani!" She shouted, secretly cringing at the fact that she finally now had to act in the cheesy way that other Pokemon trainers did on the television that she had watched so often in the years preceding this very moment. "Flamethrower!"

The chick puffed up her bosom, swelling with steaming air that seemed to wisp from her beak. Then she let fly with a giant stream of air, igniting in her belly into a giant stream of fire.

The Burmy squealed, convulsing violently as the flamethrower hit its leaves. The result? A smoldering, twitching mess of dead plant matter.

"Oh, great, you killed it..." Jill droned sarcastically. "Oh, wait, I forgot, you can't kill a Pokemon in combat; stupid me... "

She paused, waiting for the poor thing to realiate...

Nothing; just more helpless sniveling and twitching.

"Well, I think the poor thing's taken enough of a beating from you, Stefani."

The Torchic smiled at the sound of her own name, and eagerly awaited orders.

"Step aside for a bit, lass." She said, nudging the small Torchic away. "I'll handle the rest..."

She shuffled around in her pocket a bit, tracing her fingers over the various patterns each of the Pokeballs had. Seeing the poor state of the Burmy, she chose a Heal Ball.

She stood for a second, staring at the foreign contraption, before finally deciding to do just an underhand toss, and bypassed the usual flourish the media had familiarized her with.

The ball landed on top of the Burmy, swallowing it within as the ball fell back to the ground, wiggling.

The tension...they certainly never quite hit this on the head in the guidebooks. Each wiggle seemed to last a full, grueling minute, and had none of the brevity she had expected it to be...

(Ready for grading. I do apologize if it seems a bit choppy; I haven't written stories like this in a while...)
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  #3  
Old 05-08-2008, 09:05 AM
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Default Re: Browsing through the Brush

Hey. :) -is forced- I'll be grading this. I have permission too. <3

Introduction/Plot: So, a girl named Jill Hockney isn't allowed to go on her journey till she's sixteen due to financial problems with her parents. She turns sixteen and is straight out to get her starter. They give her Torchic, she's not very font of the moody red bird at all. She ventures into a forest, and falls down, she opens her eyes to see a small, gory pinecone. It turns to be a Burmy, they battle and try and capture it.

This wasn't bad, it was pretty much the "trainer starts journey and goes into the forest and runs into the Pokémon." Thing. It wasn't special, just a little unusual how she wasn't too attached to Torchic. Jill seemed like an odd character though, maybe it was the way she reacted when she seen the Burmy, you didn't provide a hook though either, it's what you should try and do. It makes the reader eager to read more of the story. ^^

I wasn't too sure what Jill looked like though, what clothes was she wearing? Tell us all the information you can about the main character. =]

Length: This was fine. :) Burmy is in the "easiest" category, so you went over the maximum length. hehe, well done. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: You seem to have a good grasp of grammar and wording, so I won't ramble on, I'll show you some of the small mistakes. :3 Also, remember, the word pine cone doesn't require a space. :P

Quote:
; it would either be joyfully hyper or listlessly depressed, cavity-inducingly sweet or hair-tairing mad,
I beleive "tairing" should be "tearing", and "inducingly" should be "inducing". :3

Quote:
She soon came to noticed that Stefani had hopped into her arms as well,
"noticed" should be "notice".

Quote:
A smoldering, twitching mess of dead plant matter.
"smoldering" should have a "u" in it. [smouldering]

Quote:
She paused, waiting for the poor thing to realiate...
I think "realiate" should be "retaliate".

Quote:
Nothing; just more helpless sniveling and twitching
There are two "l"'s in snivelling.

That's all I really spotted, nice job here. :] Well done.

Description/Detail: This was really good, you didn't describe all the things you should have; but what you did describe was described very vividly and beautifully. I liked your choice of adjectives too. I liked how you described the emotions, you told us even Torchic's emotions, which is pretty hard to do unless your telling it from the point of view of a Pokémon. Well done, remember, describing is like painting a picture. You did leave out some things, like what Jill was wearing, more details about her. You described the Pokémon which is another bonus. I just feel you left out Jill when it came to the description, being the main character, we should be able to see her clearly most of the time.

Battle: This was pretty poor, I know that Burmy probably would be KOed straight away from a flamethrower. But you put it as Burmy didn't even move. I'm sure Burmy would've atleast tried to dodge or use protect or something. Battles should be two-sided and for an easy mon about 2-3 attacks each would be suffice. You described the flamethrower really well though. I expected more from this battle though, it was too short even for a Burmy. I think that Burmy could've also used his surroundings. They camoflauge well with bushes, tree's and things, so why not have him hide or something like that?

Outcome: This was a borderline for me; the battle and plot brought you down a lot, but the descriptions saved you; Burmy Captured! This was very close, so remember to make your battles longer and elaborate on your plot for your next story. =)
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-08-2008 at 09:34 AM.
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