Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-24-2005, 01:42 AM
MystiKal's Avatar
MystiKal Offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
Posts: 6,140
Send a message via AIM to MystiKal Send a message via MSN to MystiKal Send a message via Yahoo to MystiKal
Default Elegant Forest

The sun peeked over the snow-capped mountains, a shimmer of golden light illuminating the world. The sky was pale lavender, with gray clouds of heavenly silver linings hovering over the scene, watching intently. Trim shadows were cast along the hills, and blades of grass began to dance to the song of the sunrise, which the wind played serenely on its sweet harmonica.

Flowers of all different hues breathed in deeply, savoring the last taste of a peaceful dawn. The moon had finally been put to rest after a long night of darkness, and it was finally clear that morning had come to settle itself upon the mountains. It was finally clear that the morning everyone had long awaited had arrived.

However, there was none more so than a boy named Joe. But you never would have been able to tell. Joe was sitting on a blanket nestled in-between two enormous oak trees, a picturesque location for any rest spot. He has been in the forest for quite some time now training with his Pokemon.

Joe looked over at his Grovyle it had just recently evolved from Treecko yesterday in a tough battle with Machop, it was lying on the blanket Joe had laid out for it. The warm breeze was blowing the leaves up and down Grovyles body as it slept.

He walked over toward a nearby pond the sun was shining brightly off the warm water. He could feel the warm mist being blown on me from the wind.

He reached the edge of the water and stared into the reflection of himself, Joe was 16 years old, he had short black hair neatly hid under a blue hat. He wore a white t-shirt with a Pokeball logo on the front, and a pair of old blue jeans.Joe took a deep breath of the fresh cool air.

“Ah, I love the smell of the warm outdoors.” Joe said

He walked back over towards Grovyle sitting beside him. He began to lightly tap Grovyle on the head waking the lizard Pokemon.

“Grrrrooooooovyle.” It yawned.

“Well it looked like you had a good sleep Grovyle want to for a walk?”

He nodded his head yes, so Joe began to back his things he folded the two blankets and put the burning embers left from fire from the night before out with water. He gathered his clothes and neatly packed them into his backpack along with his fishing pole.

“Ok were all set, let’s go Grovyle.”

Joe said. He took out his Pokeball and pointed it to Grovyle. Suddenly Grovyle began to glow white then disappeared into the tiny ball. Joe walked towards the dirt path into the forest and made his way in.

Last edited by MystiKal; 04-24-2005 at 02:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-24-2005, 10:03 PM
MystiKal's Avatar
MystiKal Offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
Posts: 6,140
Send a message via AIM to MystiKal Send a message via MSN to MystiKal Send a message via Yahoo to MystiKal
Default Re: Elegant Forest

He began to walk on a slightly dirt path as he walked he saw loads of Pokemon foot prints all running into each other.

Joe looked up into the thick lust forest he saw a faint figure that looked like a Mankey on top of a tree. As he walked the trees shadows fell onto the trail casting a faint darkness.

Joe had been walking for a while when he stumbled upon a small cottage, it looked rather old like it had been here for ages. The wood was falling apart and there were some holes in the glass of the windows.

Just right of the cottage was a small pond the sunlight creeping through the treetops was hitting the water causing a slight glare. There was a giant rock just in front of the pond; it looked great for a fishing spot.

“I wonder if the person in this cottage will let me fish in this pond.” Joe said.

He walked up to the cottage, there was a stone path leading up to the old porch. As he stepped on the wooden porch it made a loud screech causing Joe to jump. He faced towards the door and began to knock. He waited for a few seconds and he was about to leave but he heard faint footsteps coming. Slowly the door opened revealing an old man. He had a grey beard with some food stuck in it and short grey hair.

“Well what do we have here stranger?” The old man said.

“Hi, my name is Joe I was passing by and saw the pond by your house and was wondering if I could fish in it?” Joe said.

“Well I haven’t had anyone stop by and ask to fish in ages, there could be anything in there. By the way my name is Doug, Doug Jones.”

“Ah Mr. Jones I was hoping there was Pokemon in there I have been wanting to fish all day.” I said.

“Well I’m sure there are some in there, sure you can fish have a great time.” Doug said.

“Thanks Mr. Jones.”

Joe turned around hearing the door shut behind him; He was excited to start fishing it had been one of my favorite hobbies growing up as a kid. He unpacked the fishing pole from my backpack and got my Pokemon lure. He headed to the big rock by the pond it would be a great spot to sit while fishing.

Joe sat down on the giant rock he could feel the cold hard surface of the rock on the bottom of his jeans. The warm breeze was blowing cool water on him getting his shirt damp. He took out his Pokemon lure and attached it to the end of his pole, and tightened the line. He picked up the line and drew his hand back and tossed the line into the clear blue water making a small ripple he was ready for a fun time fishing.

Last edited by MystiKal; 04-25-2005 at 01:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-24-2005, 10:53 PM
MystiKal's Avatar
MystiKal Offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
Posts: 6,140
Send a message via AIM to MystiKal Send a message via MSN to MystiKal Send a message via Yahoo to MystiKal
Default Re: Elegant Forest

Joe sat there for quite some time wondering if he would ever get a bite, he began to whistle to help pass the time. He was sitting there gazing at the beautiful trees above he just loved the out doors. Suddenly he felt a tug on his line he wondered if it was nothing so he didn’t pull it in.

Then he felt the tug again but this time it was even greater it was so strong he almost pulled Joe into the water. So Joe began to reel in the line as fast as he could whatever was on the other end had to be strong because it was taking forever to reel in. Finally after almost five minutes of reeling he had seen what he had caught it was a Slowpoke! He quickly pulled the line onto land, the Pokemon was just sitting there looking if nothing had happened at all.

“Well I must catch this awesome Pokemon.” Joe said.

He quickly reached for the Pokeball attached to his belt, he clutched his Pokéball tightly, forming a fist around it. Joe then raised his arm and released the Pokémon that dwelled inside.

“Go Grovyle!” Joe yelled.

He threw the ball onto the ground the sphere opened up and a similar flash of light was released. A silhouette formed in the light as it began to fade, revealing the identity of the Pokémon. The Pokémon ruffled its leaves that surrounded its body and took a quick glance at its trainer who gazed back at it and gave it a smile.

The Pokémon was his Grovyle; its scaly exterior gave off a vibrant, emerald glow as it turned away from its trainer and waited for its first command. As all of this was going on the Slowpoke was still sitting there acting like nothing had happened.

“Well rather you like or not I’m gonna attack you Slowpoke.” I yelled.

“Grovyle, use Leaf Blade!” Joe called out to his Pokémon. With a shrieking cry, Grovyle used its leaves that clung to his body as blades and ripped at the Slopoke’s body. It fell back and just sat there like nothing was going on.

But suddenly Slowpoke began to do something its mouth began to slowly open and a stream of water shot out like a jet from its mouth, striking the lizard Pokemon.

“Grovyle, use your Agility.” I screamed.

Justin called out to the gecko Pokémon. Groyvle quickly ran off to the side of the forest and began to cleave through the air, kicking up dirt and sand behind it. But for some reason Slowpoke was doing nothing.

“Ok enough with Agility I don’t want you to get tired Grovyle.” Joe commanded.

Suddenly Slowpoke began to run towards Grovyle it wasn’t a fast run but it was at a steady speed it caught Grovyle off guard and napped it with a mighty Headbutt attack knocking back Grovyle onto the dirt.

“Wow I didn’t expect that, this thing is shaping up to be a strong battler.” I said.

Slowpoke just sat there mindlessly like he had never been attacked.

“Ok Grovyle use Slam, Grovyle began to charge towards Slowpoke racing towards it’s head it leaped up into the air but suddenly Slowpokes eyes began to glow purple and Grovyle was surrounded by a purple aurora. All of a sudden Grovyle was slammed back against a tree breaking the tree in half. Grovyle got up breathing heavily, it was getting tired.

“Whoa that must have been a Psychic attack this is going to be one tough battle.” Joe said.

Last edited by MystiKal; 04-25-2005 at 01:21 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-24-2005, 11:42 PM
MystiKal's Avatar
MystiKal Offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
Posts: 6,140
Send a message via AIM to MystiKal Send a message via MSN to MystiKal Send a message via Yahoo to MystiKal
Default Re: Elegant Forest

“Ok Grovyle let’s use your Quick Attack.” Joe commanded.

Grovyle began to pick up speed dirt was being kicked up as it was running; it was running so fast you could almost see three of them. Grovyle stuck Slowpoke right in the stomach causing Slowpoke to roll over on its side.

“Now’s our chance use your Leaf Blade attack Grovyle.” Joe shouted.

Grovyle shot out one of its leafs from its body it looked razor sharp like a blade, it quickly ran up towards Slowpoke but suddenly Slowpoke rolled back over on its feet and let loose a another mighty Headbutt attack before Grovyle could get its attack off. Grovyle fell back onto its back, it looked as if it couldn’t keep this battle up.

“Your okay Grovyle now try and use your Absorb attack.” I yelled.

Grovyle began to clutch its fist and shut his eyes. A spring green glow surrounded Grovyle’s body as the leaves on it lurched slightly. The Slowpoke was also surrounded by the emerald aurora. Tiny green balls began to fly out of Slowpoke and began to land onto Grovyle’s body, the lizard had gained some of its strength back.

“Okay much better, now try to Slam it again.” Joe commanded.

Grovyle leaped into the air and onto a tree branch, it was looking down upon Slowpoke as it was just sitting there. Grovyle jumped done with a mighty rush it leaped onto Slowpokes back and slammed its mighty tail onto its back. But Slowpoke reached its head around and grabbed Grovyle with its mouth and slung it to the ground. Then Slowpoke opened its mouth and let loose a stream of water onto Grovyle, using Water Gun again. But Slowpoke was tired after that mighty attack.

“Ok hold in there Grovyle, now use your Agility then attack with Leaf Blade.” Joe shouted.

Grovyle began to run the fastest I have ever seen it, it ran up and down the top of the forest then ran towards Slowpoke.

“Come on, Grovyle, just one more blow!” Joe nearly screamed out to his Pokémon. Grovyle raised its leaves again and quickly slashed at the Slowpoke. The blows were accurate and dead on, piercing at Slowpokes body, the Pokémon lost its carefree look as it fell back with a slight shriek. The wood gecko Pokémon came to a stop and stared at his fallen opponent. Slowpoke lay on the ground painting slightly, looking like an immobilized creature. Slowpoke was not able to move a muscle or make a sudden twitch.

“Now’s my chance, go Pokeball.” Joe yelled.

He reached for a small ball attached to his waist and threw it onto Slowpoke, it began to glow in a white light and was sucked into the tiny sphere ball. Was it caught?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-25-2005, 07:10 AM
Jack of Clovers's Avatar
Jack of Clovers Offline
~lil leprechaun~
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: the world of fantasy...
Posts: 10,388
Send a message via ICQ to Jack of Clovers Send a message via AIM to Jack of Clovers Send a message via MSN to Jack of Clovers Send a message via Yahoo to Jack of Clovers Send a message via Skype™ to Jack of Clovers
Default Re: Elegant Forest

this story is reserved for Syas to grade for his Grader test.

~Jack~
__________________
Thanks PE2K for all the memories.

-| Links |-
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-25-2005, 03:55 PM
Syas's Avatar
Syas Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In a perpetual state of Boredom
Posts: 827
Send a message via AIM to Syas Send a message via Yahoo to Syas
Default Re: Elegant Forest

Here comes my grade.

Story - Basic at best, Boy sees Pokemon, Boy fights Pokemon, Boy attempts to catch Pokemon. I would definately liked to have seen a bit more creativity in regards to the story, but it is definately suitable.

Spelling/Grammar - Not so great. I had a hard time reading through the story, often having to read over a line two or three times to understand it. This was due mostly to the lack of commas in most sentances, but also came from a few other issues:

“Okay much better, now try to Slam it again.” Joe commanded.
“Your okay Grovyle now try and use your Absorb attack.” I yelled.

Writing in first person is fine, writing in third person is fine, switching between them on a whim is not.

“Well what do we have here stranger?” The old man said.

“Hi, my name is Joe I was passing by and saw the pond by your house and was wondering if I could fish in it?” Joe said.

“Well I haven’t had anyone stop by and ask to fish in ages, there could be anything in there. By the way my name is Doug, Doug Jones.”

“Ah Mr. Jones I was hoping there was Pokemon in there I have been wanting to fish all day.” I said.

“Well I’m sure there are some in there, sure you can fish have a great time.” Doug said.


Said, said, said... and said. Try to spruce up the dialogue by not using "said" as your decriptor so much, "replied", "responded", "asked", and "answered" are some easy dialogue descriptors that really help to make your story excellent.

Joe sat there for quite some time wondering if he would ever get a bite, he began to whistle to help pass the time. He was sitting there gazing at the beautiful trees above he just loved the out doors. Suddenly he felt a tug on his line he wondered if it was nothing so he didn’t pull it in.

In this paragraph you use the descriptor "he" seven times, and "Joe" once. Read this and tell me which seems better:

Joe sat there for quite some time wondering if he would ever get a bite. Whistling to help pass the time, Joe sat there gazing at the beautiful trees above, he just loved the out doors. Suddenly Joe felt a tug on his line, he wondered if it was his imagination playing tricks on him, so Joe didn’t bother to pull it in.

This brings me to the final point... vocabulary. There were alot of sentances that just did not sound right. Let me give you an example:

He nodded his head yes, so Joe began to back his things he folded the two blankets and put the burning embers left from fire from the night before out with water. He gathered his clothes and neatly packed them into his backpack along with his fishing pole.

Or....

Grovyle nodded his head yes, so Joe began to pack his things. He folded the two blankets and put the burning embers left from last night's campfire out with water. After dousing the smoking embers, Joe gathered his clothes and neatly packed them into his backpack along with his fishing pole.

Reality - Perfectly normal Pokemon world adventure. Basic, but simple.

Battle - It seemed pretty one-sided. I would like to see alot more action, especially something geared toward Slowpoke actually putting up a respectable fight, doing noticable damage to Grovyle.

Length - Much too short. At 10715 characters, this whole story qualifies as "one post". Had the grammar been better, with fewer spelling mistakes; or conversely, the story been something amazing, this could be overlooked.

Outcome - Slowpoke not captured. Check your spelling and grammar, remember to stick to one tense, lengthen the story, and you will be in good shape. I would really suggest having someone proof-read your story before you set it up to be graded. I have a proof-reader myself, and they have saved my stories more than once
__________________


BW Friend Code: 1420 7304 0029
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-25-2005, 04:04 PM
Tamer San's Avatar
Tamer San Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 5)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Your momma's lap
Posts: 5,281
Send a message via AIM to Tamer San Send a message via MSN to Tamer San Send a message via Yahoo to Tamer San
Default Re: Elegant Forest

Wow, done it again Syas, you surpassed ancient graders =P good luck ^^
__________________

"Fight for freedom. Fight for glory. Fight to win!"
I am back
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-27-2005, 07:26 PM
Jack of Clovers's Avatar
Jack of Clovers Offline
~lil leprechaun~
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: the world of fantasy...
Posts: 10,388
Send a message via ICQ to Jack of Clovers Send a message via AIM to Jack of Clovers Send a message via MSN to Jack of Clovers Send a message via Yahoo to Jack of Clovers Send a message via Skype™ to Jack of Clovers
Default Re: Elegant Forest

adding on...

story:
simple plot but the details hide it well. though, i like the introduction sequence.

detail:
wonderful.

grammer:
see Syas's comments.
“Well rather you like or not I’m gonna attack you Slowpoke.” I yelled.
--rather should be whether. also comma after Well.
He began to walk on a slightly dirt path as ...
-- use dirty or dirt covered. dirt doen't work on it's own like that.

battle:
wow, that's one active Slowpoke. great Slowpoke battle. nice details.

realty:
looks good.

tips:
grammer inconsistency. work on that by re-reading and using a Word program to check the story. lastly, you need to put something in before you get to the battle. maybe you struggle with fishing in this particular lake and lose the lure to a Magikarp. i just think it's missing something before the battle. still, wonderful detail and battle... the length is adequate.

Outcome- Slowpoke Caught!

Syas- good grammer and length are prefered but details and a strong battle are more important. sometimes great details can pass for shorter length stories. and if you can't understand the story because of poor grammer, then you can fail them for that. generally we help them with grammer and not grade too much off of it. even though we got different outcomes, i enjoy your grading. PASS.

~Jack~
__________________
Thanks PE2K for all the memories.

-| Links |-
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:07 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com