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  #1  
Old 02-11-2008, 08:08 AM
Elemental Brotherhood Offline
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Default Z - A Fanfic

Z - A Fanfic

Okay, can I have some comments on the start of a fanfic I'm writing. Just want to know how much I need to change. I know it needs more description and I've used the word Magnezone way too much. This is just V.1, but any glaring grammer mistakes...

Yeah...


Quote:
"Magnezone! Hit him with a Mirror Shot!" the black haired boy shouted, as his trusty Pokemon adjusted it's magnets and shot a ray of intense light at the opponent. The foe Porygon2 threw itself out of the way of the bolt of energy just as it came into contact with the ground, sending up a spray of earth.

The two Pokemon circled each other, both waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.They were equally matched, and they knew it. Their trainers knew it too.

This battle was the final of the Interregional Tournament. The finalists were the notorious Han Black, believed to be the mastermind behind many computer viruses and worms, helped by his trusty Virtual Pokemon, Porygon2, and his opponent, a 14-year-old boy called Shade Gaskin, who hailed from Hearthome City in Sinnoh, who was absolutely creaming the competition with his well trained Magnezone.

The battles were being held in a massive stadium, packed to bursting with people, jostling to get a better view of the action. The Tournament itself was tough, a long, strenuous ordeal. Battle after battle, win after win, the finalists were finally fighting for the title of Interregional Champ. And these were the best of the best. The battles were long and harsh, eliminating all but two from the hundred or so people that entered. Many disgruntled trainers had left cursing, looking at the people who had beaten them with sour looks on their faces.

Suddenly, Porygon2 lunged at Magnezone, firing a beam of crackling electricity from it's snout. Magnezone jumped out of the way, but the beam of energy curved in midair, and headed straight at the Magnet Pokemon.

"It seems as though Porygon2 had been using Lock-On before it used Zap Cannon! A wonderful combo by Han Black!" the commentator said over the loudspeaker system. "And it looks as if Magnezone is in for it now!"

And indeed, the attack had left Magnezone dizzy. It's magnets were spinning, and it was turning jerkily, trying to face the threat that was Porygon2.

"Magnezone!" Shade shouted. He rushed over to his Pokemon and pulled out a small sachet of herbal powder. He ripped open the packet and poured it over the distressed Pokemon's body. After a few moments of swivelling it's magnets, Magnezone seemed to recover from it's malfuction and turned back to Porygon2. Shade ran back to his podium returned to watching the battle, sometimes shouting directions to his Pokemon.

"Hmmph..." Han said grumpily, "I still think No Items should have been one of the rules..."

"You're just saying that 'cause you're losing" Shade replied cheekily.

"Ha! You wish! Porygon2, use Giga Impact!

Porygon2 suddenly stiffened. It turned to look at it's trainer. It seemed to be dreading something.

"You heard me, Porygon2, Giga Impact!" Han said, with a hint of a smile on his face.

Porygon2 slowly turned to face Magnezone. It reared up, then ran at Magnezone. Taken by surprise, the Magnet Pokemon held out it's magnets at the Virtual Pokemon.

The Porygon2 rammed into Magnezone's magnet's...

And the crowd went quiet...
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  #2  
Old 02-12-2008, 04:32 AM
Hanako Tabris Offline
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Default Re: Z - A Fanfic

It had me hooked.

As far as grammar goes, a problem that I noticed is that you mess up your "its" versus "it's". "Its" is the possessive form, to show ownership. "It's" is the contraction for "it is".

Other little things:

Quote:
The finalists were the notorious Han Black, believed to be the mastermind behind many computer viruses and worms, helped by his trusty Virtual Pokemon, Porygon2, and his opponent, a 14-year-old boy called Shade Gaskin, who hailed from Hearthome City in Sinnoh, who was absolutely creaming the competition with his well trained Magnezone.
Length for this one sentence is the issue here. Too long, trying to pack too much information into it. If either Han Black or Shade Gaskin are characters showing up again, you could stick the information about them not related to the battle there. Right now, for this battle, all we really need to know are names and Pokemon. Maybe location, but certainly the first two.

All I really noticed. Like I said before, this had me hooked. I couldn't turn away from the screen, engrossed in the battle. Good luck with future installments/versions of this, and hopefully I'll be able to catch this here soon.
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  #3  
Old 02-12-2008, 04:43 AM
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Default Re: Z - A Fanfic

Like Hanako said, it was pretty good, You certainly have a way in doing battles, one of my favorite parts of any story. =)

Just remember that even though the characters in your story are the main focus, you should also incoporate your surroundings in the story. They are not in some kind of bubber so we should at least get a general idea of where they are (unless you want to keep it a mystery or something xP) in every point of your story. You mentioned they were in a stadium, maybe you can describe the cheering or booing of the crowd or the lights above the battlers. Small stuff like this can tell the reader where the characters are in a subtle way.

Good luck on the rest of your story. ;)

- Kat
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  #4  
Old 02-12-2008, 07:00 AM
Elemental Brotherhood Offline
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Default Re: Z - A Fanfic

Thanks to both of yeh.

As I said, it's only V1, I'm gonna write it another few times until I perfect it. And thanks for pointing out the grammer mistake regarding its and it's. I'm supposed to be in English Enrichment, so I should know that...
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