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Old 12-31-2007, 07:57 PM
Ashketcum212 Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Chalice Town, Zennis Region
Posts: 653
Smile The Everybody is in it to Win it Story!

Please tell me your ideas or if you want to be in the story tell me your name, gender and pokemon.

Everybody is in it to Win it!

Ash Ketchum got ready to battle in the Battle Stadium. "In this Stadium, anybody can participate! Trainers, Coordinators, and even Breeders! Any one can join!" the anouncer shouted out. Another trainer named Sabrina got ready to battle also. The battle style would be a single battle. The first battle would be Ash from Pallet Town and Sabrina from Viridian City! "Pikachu, I choose you!" Ash yelled out to the battle field. "T.J, take command!" Sabrina yelled out throwing a red and white pokeball into the battle field. T.J was an Empoleon. "T.J, use Hydro Cannon!" Sabrina comanded. "Pikachu Thunderbolt!" Ash yelled. Firce of water pumps hit Pikachu! Pikachu got up. "Iron Tail!" Ash yelled. "Use Drill Peck!" Sabrina commanded T.J to do. When Pikachu got his tail at T.J, T.J slammed Pikachu's with Drill Peck. Finally, Pikachu fainted. Ash stared at Sabrina in Shock. Ash held his pokeball in his hand. "Turtwig, go!" Ash yelled. "Oh-No, that T.J is too strong no matter the advantage..." Ash thought. "Drill Peck!" Sabrina comanded. T.J was so fast, Turtwig didn't know what hit him. Turtwig layed on the ground, fainted. "Are you going to give up yet?!" Sabrina told Ash. "Go! Staravia!" Ash yelled. Sabrina held a pokeball in her hand and said "T.J return! Good Job. You did well." She took out another pokeball and threw it in the air. "Lightning, go!" she said. "Use Volt Tackle!" Sabrina comanded. Lightning was a Pikachu. In a bolt of light, Staravia was knocked out! Sabrina shook Ash's hand and left proudly. The next battle was ...
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Old 01-02-2008, 10:22 AM
Shiny Loser's Avatar
Shiny Loser Offline
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Default Re: The Everybody is in it to Win it Story!

Hmmm, shouldn't this be in the actual Fan Fic section?
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Old 02-02-2008, 01:24 AM
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Darth Murkrow Offline
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: On Hiatus: Back in November
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Default Re: The Everybody is in it to Win it Story!

I would break up your paragraphs a little more. A block of text without line breaks is a bit intimidating to readers. A new part of the dialogue always goes on the next line.

I'm not getting into the story so much. This could be lengthened with a bit more description. When is this competition taking place? Who is involved beyond trainers, coordinators, and breeders? Are they the best of the best or just anyone that signs up? Do each of the groups compete in different events? What are the rules? So on and so forth.

I tend to be against using canon characters in fanfiction, but then again I only write in the universe, not the community, so whatever works for you. Sabrina is also the name of a gym leader way back in the RBY days (*creaky rocking chair*), and I admit that I was confused about it at first. Maybe if you describe Sabrina in detail a little more, and give some background information before you jump right into the competition, it would help the readers identify with her. I assume that she's going to be your protagonist (main character), so the reader needs to connect with her.

Do you have a plot for this? I'm not insinuating that you do not, I'm asking because the plot is important. People cannot be competing for several chapters without something happening. Does someone get kidnapped, Team Whatever comes, etc.? Although I would avoid Team Whatever, as it's rather cliche.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just trying to help.

Done: 800
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