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  #1  
Old 09-09-2007, 11:27 PM
KelDragon Offline
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Default Nearest The Sun -- Preview

Hello, everybody! I mentioned in a previous thread that I am working on a fic. It is, I hate to say, a trainer fic. But it isn't going to be like most others. It's got some (and definitely one) aspects that are not in the canon. Rather than degrading from the world, however, I sincerely hope they will enrich it. First, I will give a synopsis, the kind you would find on the back cover of a book. Then I will provide a short extract from the work itself. Please, please provide feedback.

-----

Kanto: It is a land just burgeoning into total modernity. Pokemon training is an industry--and a profitable one. But the infamous crime syndicate known only as "Team Rocket" run by a leader cloaked in shadow has discovered a secret that could change the course of history. Young men and women set out on journeys, trecking across vast wilderness in hopes of fulfilling their dream.

But at the center of it all ... is one catalyst that will set the world in motion. He's not one you'd notice in a crowd. And though he doesn't realize it, he is being hunted ... On his own personal quest, Leon McCormac will have to face something sinister ... and become the friend of an ancient god.

-----

Lee's stomach spasmed in pain. The strobe lights blinded his eyes as a powerful crack reverberated throughout the gym. The Raichu's soft fur sparked with green energy is it drew a small, three-toed foot backward.

"Mega Kick! Now!" Surge's voice grunted, ringing through the gym with barely held back emotion. "Come on, kid, what're you doing? Get with it!"

He reached out, his mind grasping the firm bond between himself and Ignious. The Geodude was curled into a defensive ball, its rough, craggy skin pockmarked with small scorch burns.

"Right, Lieutenant!" Lee shouted. "I was waiting for you to ask. Ignious? Go!"

Coruscating light sparked around the Geodude's balled up surface. Flashes slowly swirled into a blue beam of focused energy. The beam began to arch upwards, lancing across the Pokemon's body.

"I'm not waiting, boy! Raichu, use Body Slam now!"

A wide grin spread across Lee's face as the lightning Pokemon gathered itself for a devastating leap.

"Ignious! Release your attack!"

The coalescing energy had by now formed into a spinning ball of emerald light. The Geodude roared, uncurling one boulder fist and hurling the blazing attack at Raichu, who was already in mid-leap.

"Now, use Rollout!" Lee gesticulated with a fit, driving the command home. Lee's and Ignious' mind bonded completely for one single moment. The Geodude's satisfaction merged with Lee's own, and Lee poured all his strength into the attack.

"Let's finish this, Surge!"
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KelDragon

Paradoxes, by there very nature, cancel each other out. This logically means that they don't exist. But saying something that must exist doesn't exist is a self-contradiction. So say good-bye, folks, the universe is about to go through a total existence failure.

Last edited by KelDragon; 09-10-2007 at 09:35 PM. Reason: Spelling mistakes.
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  #2  
Old 09-10-2007, 06:44 PM
Bay's Avatar
Bay Offline
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Default Re: Nearest The Sun -- Preview

Hi KelDragon! Well, first off some spelling mistakes you did:

Quote:
Lee's stomach spasmed in pain. The strobed lights blinded his eyes as a powerful crack reverberated throughout the gym. The Raichu's soft spur sparked with green energy is it drew a small, three-toed backward.
I think the first one is just spasm without the -ed and second one is strob without the -ed too.

Quote:
"Mega Kick! Now!" Surge's voice grunted wit barely held back emotion. Come on, kid, what're you doing? Get with it!"
With. Also, you forgot the quotation marks before the words “Come on”.

Quote:
He reached out, his mind grasping the firm nbod between himself and Ignious. The Geodude was curled into a defensive ball, its rough, cra77y surface pockmarked with small scorch burns.
First bolded part I am not sure what word you were trying to spell out. The second bolded part I think you are going for creamy


Quote:
Coruscating light sparked aroudd the Geodude's balled up surface. Flashes slowly swirled into a blue beam of focused energy. The beam began to arch upwards, lancing across the Pokemon's body.
Around

Quote:
A wide grin spread across Lee's face as the lighning Pokemon gathered itself for a devastatingleap.
Lightning.

Quote:
The coalescing energy had by now formed cinto a spinning ball of emerald light. The Geodude roared, uncurling one bboulder fist and hurling the blazing attack at Raichu, who was already in mid-leap.
First part into and second part boulder.

Quote:
"Now, use Rollout!" Lee gesticulated with a fit, driving the command home. Ignious' satisfaction merged with his own, and Lee poured all his strength into the attack.
I think you meant gestured?

Now, I know that there are a lot of those misspellings because of your blindness, and that is understandable. However, many readers here will get distracted by those mistakes and won’t be able to enjoy the story. My advice is to try your best to check over and fix those spelling mistakes and then have a beta reader look over and correct the other mistakes that you missed. Have a look at the PE2K Beta Company thread. It has directions on how to apply to get a beta reader to look over your work.

Now, the excerpt. Looking good so far. I like how you did Lt. Surge’s character. Would like to see how that battle will go.

From the summary, I am a bit worried about how this story will go, to be honest. Leon being a friend of an ancient god, in my opinion, makes me already think that he is going to be a Gary Sue. However, I want to see how that will turn out, so I will be open minded about this for now until the story progresses.

Well, good luck with his!
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Chapter Thirteen: It's All a Contest up (12/28/08)

Last edited by Bay; 09-10-2007 at 06:50 PM.
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  #3  
Old 09-10-2007, 10:03 PM
KelDragon Offline
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Default Re: Nearest The Sun -- Preview

Thanks for the excellent pointers, Bay. The fact that I'm blind doesn't give me license to make spelling mistakes, so I appreciate the corrections. I have eeditted my post, fixing all the things you told me about.

Now, about the character of Lee. I can see your worries, so I'll try to reassure you. Lee isn't going to be the perfect, all-powerful god-character. He is, of course, going to be exceptional, but his talent falls into part of the unusual aspect of my story. I am going to try to make Lee an intricate character. As for the "friend of a god" thing, that's honestly not quite as horribly catastrophic as it sounds.

But I won't go any further, as I don't want to spoil it. Feedback is always appreciated, again. Now, back to the writing!
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KelDragon

Paradoxes, by there very nature, cancel each other out. This logically means that they don't exist. But saying something that must exist doesn't exist is a self-contradiction. So say good-bye, folks, the universe is about to go through a total existence failure.
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