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  #1  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:12 PM
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Default I need some writing tips

Currently, i'm trying to get a book published, but I need some people to tell me if it's good enough.

This is Chapter 1 of my book. Please rate, and give tips. :D



Grotesque Third Grade


Chapter 1:


“I wonder what Veronica and Linda are talking about today...” said Dylan, my best friend.
It was October, and trouble had already started in my third grade class.
Ever since Linda came to school late, on the first day of school, Veronica and Linda had been best friends. The teacher told Veronica to help Linda catch up.
“Maybe we can find out.” I said, grinning.
Veronica and Linda were in a little corner with their “secret” notebooks.
“Hey!” Veronica yelled.
“You know this is our private club, right?”
Dylan bent down in a begging position.
“Can you please just give us a peek?” Dylan begged.
He knows how to make those puppy eyes.
“You know what I’m going to say.” Veronica answered.
“One….Two….Three....GO!” I whispered.
Dylan and I snatched their notebooks. I got Linda’s notebook but I really wanted Veronica’s.
“Hey!” they yelled. They took the books back.
I only got to see a part of it.
“Did you find anything interesting?” Dylan asked.
“I saw a heart saying dream boy. I saw it say handsome.” I answered.
“No name?” Dylan asked.
“No name.” I repeated.
My teacher, Mrs. Kenerl, blew the recess whistle.
“3rd grade, line up!” she shouted.
I stood behind Veronica in line. I kicked her in the leg.
Veronica rolled her eyes.
“Why do you always have to act so mean at the wrong times?” she asked.
“I don’t know.” I answered.

After class, Dylan and I talked about Veronica and Linda’s “secret” club. “Hey, can I come over? I can bring over my new book,” I asked Dylan. “I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind,” Dylan answered. “O.K. I’ll be at your house in about fifteen minutes. Bye!” “Bye.”
I got home. I’m thirsty, I thought. I got a drink and got my new book, Phases of a Child. I grabbed my bike and rode to Dylan’s house.
“Hey,” Dylan said, as he answered the door, “Do you have the book?” “Yeah, let’s check it out.” I said. Dylan and I ran into his room. I sat on his computer chair.
“Let’s open this baby!” I said as I took out the plastic covering the new book.
“I’m thirsty. Let me get a drink...
Don’t start without me!” Dylan said as he walked down the stairs. “I won’t,” I replied.
He came back up the stairs holding two Rice Krispie Treats.
“I thought you might have wanted a snack. So I got this,” Dylan said. “Thanks,” I replied, taking a bite.
“Now let’s see... Linda and Veronica are eight years old...” I said as I flipped to the page saying “Common Phases of an Eight Year Old Girl”. I read, “A girl starts to mature at this age.” “Yeah right...” Dylan murmured.
“Some females start to have interests in males.”
Time passed by as we read the interesting book. Suddenly, I heard my mom’s car honking. “I have to go,” “We’ll finish the book tomorrow,” I said. “Alright...Tomorrow.” Said Dylan. We kept saying “Tomorrow”, until I got to the car.
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  #2  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

It's a pipe dream; you have slim-none chances of getting a book published as an adolescent, trust me, I'm trying for it, too.

Simply, you have too much dialogue. You need setting, description, etc. From what I'm reading, I'm going to go ahead and guess it's for a child audience. It could turn into a great story, probably not a book, but definetely a great story if you were to put more time into it and spend more time "getting to know" your characters. Once you know their personalities, etc. front and back and know anything they'd say in any given situation, try rewriting it. Just work a bit more on it and repost, then I'll rate.

~Get used to criticism, there's a lot of it and plenty to go around when rating someone's writing. Some people (Such as myself) could find fault with even work from Rowling or Shakespeare for that matter.
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  #3  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:19 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Thnks for the tip, but I won't edit my story until over 5 people don't think it'll work out.
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  #4  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:26 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Uh... :|

Why are you trying to get a book published now anyway? :P You're way too young, and its a waste of your time for now.

But to improve on it, less diolouge, more detail.
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  #5  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamer Marco View Post
Uh... :|

Why are you trying to get a book published now anyway? :P You're way too young, and its a waste of your time for now.

But to improve on it, less diolouge, more detail.
I think the revolution of underage authors started off with Chris Paolini. Damn 15 started writing it. But he didn't get it published until about four years later, when it normally takes around a year-two years to write/publish.

Well, a lot of people like to write so I can only say that they can't help but want to publish a book.
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  #6  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:45 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamer Marco View Post
Uh... :|

Why are you trying to get a book published now anyway? :P You're way too young, and its a waste of your time for now.

But to improve on it, less diolouge, more detail.
Oh yeah, the way to rate it is like a regular grade. A, B, C, D, or F?
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  #7  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:48 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peekaboo Pikachu View Post
Oh yeah, the way to rate it is like a regular grade. A, B, C, D, or F?
Your spelling a dialouge were pretty bad. Try skipping a line down between dialouges too. D for the effort.
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  #8  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:52 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Grade? If I had to give you a grade, I'd go:

B- for the effort.
C+ for grammar.
D- for setting, interest, etc.

So, somewhere between C and C- I believe.
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  #9  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:54 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

I'm just saying, that I wrote that chapter over 6 months ago. Im finished that book, and I started a new one. Here is the first chapter. Grade it the same way.


The Cheater




By: Marquise Cruz







Chapter 1: Runaway

“Mom, I do not want to go to your yoga class,” Barry complained on one hot summer day.

Barry could hear woodpeckers pecking. He hated that sound. He heard birds chirping, kids playing outside. He hated it. He loved peace and quiet.

“I thought you love the quiet,” his mom answered.

“Yeah, but only old people go there. Just looking at old people makes me gag,”

“So you’re calling me old?”

“You’re 32,” Barry looked at his mother.

“Well, you’re going, and that’s that,” his mother demanded.

“You never know. You might grow to love yoga,”

“Are you mistaking me for Cindy?”

Cindy was Barry’s older sister. A 16 year old demon at that. She still tortured Barry as if they were 5 and 8 years old.
“What’s up?” Cindy came down the stairs in their 2 floor-house.

“You’re going like that to my yoga class?” their mother stared at Cindy with a face.

Cindy had a black jacket on, and black eye shadow. Her hair was a curly mess. She was listening to her Ipod and was chewing gum with her mouth open, making weird sounds.

“You go change right now, young lady!”

“Fine, but someday you have to accept that I like looking like this,” she ran back up her stairs.

Cindy obviously had no fashion sense, and didn’t bother brushing her teeth. She was the most disgusting girl on Earth, as Barry calls her.
Barry sat down on their couch and turned on the TV.

“Turn that off, we’re going soon,” his mother told him.
“Cindy’s going to take another hour dressing up. She took an hour just to put on eye shadow and mess up her hair. If she’s really going to dress up and put on some decent makeup, she’ll take longer,” Barry explained.

“You have a point,” his mother bit her lip.

“Cindy!” she called.

“What?” she answered from her room.

“It’s alright,” Barry told his mother.

“I can wait another hour,” Barry turned back to watching television.

An hour later, everyone was finally finished and ready to go.

When they arrived, their mother smiled. She walked up to some old guy and hugged him, and they started to talk.
Barry also grinned. He was right. He knew it. His mother was the only one in the building (beside Cindy and him) that didn’t have grey hair.

But then she ran up to a guy that didn’t have grey hair. In fact, he looked her age. Barry hadn’t spotted him before.

Then, her mother kissed the guy. Barry and Cindy gasped at the fact that she did.

Her and the guy walked up to her kids, and introduced him.

“This is Steve. Him and I are dating,” she introduced.

Barry shook his hand.

“It’s very... nice to meet you,” Barry said.

Cindy did the same.

Mom is dating? This is horrible! Barry thought.

“Alright, I’ll see you two in an hour ,” his mother said.

“What will we do?” Cindy asked.

“Oh, you guys go in there,” she pointed to a room where noise was everywhere.

Barry sighed.

“I don’t see anyone my age,” Cindy complained.

“Well, then meet some fourth graders!” her mother said and the couple ran off, giggling.

“I have an idea,” Cindy exclaimed.

“We can ditch this place and go to the mall,” Cindy said.

“What’s in it for me?” Barry asked.

“I’ll help you with your summer project,” she answered.

“Deal?” She continued.

“Deal,”
We spit on our hands, and shook.

~5 minutes later~

“Wait, how are we going to get there?” Barry worried.

“I’ll take mom’s car,” Cindy replied.

“But you don’t have your driver’s license!”

“But I’m in training! C’mon, it’s going to be okay,”

“But what if...” Barry was cut off from another worry.

“Our time is wasting!” Cindy dragged Barry to the car and she drove off.
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Last edited by Shozuka; 08-16-2007 at 10:17 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-16-2007, 09:57 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peekaboo Pikachu View Post
I'm just saying, that I wrote that chapter over 6 months ago. Im finished that book, and I started a new one. Here is the first chapter. Grade it the same way.


The Cheater




By: Marquise Cruz







Chapter 1: Runaway

“Mom, I do not want to go to your yoga class,” Barry complained on one hot summer day.
Barry could hear woodpeckers pecking. He hated that sound. He heard birds chirping, kids playing outside. He hated it. He loved peace and quiet.
“I thought you love the quiet,” his mom answered.
“Yeah, but only old people go there. Just looking at old people makes me gag,”
“So you’re calling me old?”
“You’re 32,” Barry looked at his mother.
“Well, you’re going, and that’s that,” his mother demanded.
“You never know. You might grow to love yoga,”
“Are you mistaking me for Cindy?”
Cindy was Barry’s older sister. A 16 year old demon at that. She still tortured Barry as if they were 5 and 8 years old.
“What’s up?” Cindy came down the stairs in their 2 floor-house.
“You’re going like that to my yoga class?” their mother stared at Cindy with a face.
Cindy had a black jacket on, and black eye shadow. Her hair was a curly mess. She was listening to her Ipod and was chewing gum with her mouth open, making weird sounds.
“You go change right now, young lady!”
“Fine, but someday you have to accept that I like looking like this,” she ran back up her stairs.
Cindy obviously had no fashion sense, and didn’t bother brushing her teeth. She was the most disgusting girl on Earth, as Barry calls her.
Barry sat down on their couch and turned on the TV.
“Turn that off, we’re going soon,” his mother told him.
“Cindy’s going to take another hour dressing up. She took an hour just to put on eye shadow and mess up her hair. If she’s really going to dress up and put on some decent makeup, she’ll take longer,” Barry explained.
“You have a point,” his mother bit her lip.
“Cindy!” she called.
“What?” she answered from her room.
“It’s alright,” Barry told his mother.
“I can wait another hour,” Barry turned back to watching television.
An hour later, everyone was finally finished and ready to go.
When they arrived, their mother smiled. She walked up to some old guy and hugged him, and they started to talk.
Barry also grinned. He was right. He knew it. His mother was the only one in the building (beside Cindy and him) that didn’t have grey hair.
But then she ran up to a guy that didn’t have grey hair. In fact, he looked her age. Barry hadn’t spotted him before.
Then, her mother kissed the guy. Barry and Cindy gasped at the fact that she did.
Her and the guy walked up to her kids, and introduced him.
“This is Steve. Him and I are dating,” she introduced.
Barry shook his hand.
“It’s very... nice to meet you,” Barry said.
Cindy did the same.
Mom is dating? This is horrible! Barry thought.
“Alright, I’ll see you two in an hour ,” his mother said.
“What will we do?” Cindy asked.
“Oh, you guys go in there,” she pointed to a room where noise was everywhere.
Barry sighed.
“I don’t see anyone my age,” Cindy complained.
“Well, then meet some fourth graders!” her mother said and the couple ran off, giggling.
“I have an idea,” Cindy exclaimed.
“We can ditch this place and go to the mall,” Cindy said.
“What’s in it for me?” Barry asked.
“I’ll help you with your summer project,” she answered.
“Deal?” She continued.
“Deal,”
We spit on our hands, and shook.

~5 minutes later~

“Wait, how are we going to get there?” Barry worried.
“I’ll take mom’s car,” Cindy replied.
“But you don’t have your driver’s license!”
“But I’m in training! C’mon, it’s going to be okay,”
“But what if...” Barry was cut off from another worry.
“Our time is wasting!” Cindy dragged Barry to the car and she drove off.
SKIP LINES BETWEEN DIALOUGE! And add some setting. A book isn't all dialouge 'ya know.
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  #11  
Old 08-16-2007, 10:00 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

The reason why it looks bad is because I copied and pasted it from MS Word. If oyu could see it from there, I do skip lines between dialouge. Copying and pasting it messes it up.
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  #12  
Old 08-16-2007, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peekaboo Pikachu View Post
The reason why it looks bad is because I copied and pasted it from MS Word. If oyu could see it from there, I do skip lines between dialouge. Copying and pasting it messes it up.
No it doesn't because I've done that with stories in the past. But even if it does then skip lines manually when you post it. It shouldn't be too hard.
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  #13  
Old 08-16-2007, 10:13 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

A bit of an improvement, but the whole nonchalant, hating of the main character is extremely overrated in my opinion. Otherwise, it's a bit of an improvement, but it could still use work. Like Aiikari said; less dialogue, more setting, and space out the paragraphs!!
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Old 08-16-2007, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Things that have to do with writing go in this section.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/foru...splay.php?f=24
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  #15  
Old 08-16-2007, 10:20 PM
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Default Re: I need some writing tips

Um, thanks for the advice, SS. >.> I can't move it myself.
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