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Author's Corner Share your ideas with other members and come here for helpful writing tips.


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  #16  
Old 07-22-2007, 11:37 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Ideas... And Plenty Of 'Em! *Please Comment*

Okay... Don't overdo it... *Makes not to self*

Thanks, Flaafy!

If anyone else wants to comment, feel free!
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  #17  
Old 07-23-2007, 12:55 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Ideas... And Plenty Of 'Em! *Please Comment*

imo, the parts where the Umbreon is reminiscing would look best in present tense, with the "flashbacks" all being in past tense, just to differentiate the two.

Also, you might want to give the Umbreon a reason to be explaining his story; maybe a young, curious Murkrow flew into the cave and asked why he was crying, maybe he wants to think about his life and what he could have done better before he died and maybe he's telling it to the inhabitants of the cave so his story will never be lost.

However I've also got to agree with Flaafy on two things here;
The first being the fact that the Dark type HAS to have a dark past.
The second, which I had been thinking about before, was why the Umbreon is always male and the Espeon always female. Seems a bit redundant to me. oO


As for comemnts on the prologue itself:
Quote:
“I should probably tell you... Tell you what happened...” I mumbled between sobs, tears dripping down my soft, furry face.
Who9 the "you" is might be important for the readers, and exactly how he is suddenly SO emotional...well, it's a bit corny. At this point he's probably only starting to cry anyway, or still trying to hold back the tears.


Quote:
I spluttered, the snot from my nose running down the back of my throat.
o_O You want to make the reader feel pity, not gross them out. You can just say "I sputtered between sobs" or just use the word "choke." 'Mucus" is usually a better choice than "snot."


Quote:
The gloominess of the world around me... It saddened me so.
o_O Eeeeeeemo. You can say that the gloominess does nothing to make him feel better and adds to his own misery, but you shouldn't have it just outright depress him. And if you phrase it in this way, which you can still do, then describe the gloominess of the cave. This is a good idea no matter what.


Quote:
How could he not notice how depressed I was? Or, even worse, how could he sit there and watch me so sad?
This is really soap opera-like, which you'll want to avoid. The Umbreon should understand that not everyone gives a damn about the way you feel. You can rephrase it so say something more like "how could he speak to me so when he sees ow depressed I am? does he have no common decency?!"



Other than being a little too dramatic and overdone, it looks pretty good so far. Could use a bit more description, but it's looking good otherwise.



ALSO, I wanted to mention it in my first post but completely forgot: SPPf is holding a contest for a One-Shot that contains any good Pokémon battle. It's called "Sacrifice" and lots of people will be entering Pokémon battles- if you intend to write battle stories, you should consder entering one of them. =)

~Psychic
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  #18  
Old 07-23-2007, 09:39 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Ideas... And Plenty Of 'Em! *Please Comment*

The tenses make sense with what you said, so... Thanks for that! =]

I think I'll use the Murkrow part; it seems a good idea to make him have a reason to tell his tale.

I can imagine Umbreon as a girl, but I'm having trouble imagining Espeon as a boy. >_< Maybe I could mix it up instead... Espeon be the gloomy one, and Umbreon be slightly happier. Does that sound good or bad? =[

Everything you said about the Prologue is competely right! Thanks for the help... =]

SPPf... I'll look into it! Right now, I'm writing a battle between a Ratata and a Skarmory... XD

Thank you for everything you've said,

Djax94
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  #19  
Old 07-24-2007, 02:28 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Ideas... And Plenty Of 'Em! *Please Comment*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange_Flaaffy View Post
*sigh* Why does every 'pokemon looking back on their life' story have to be depressing? IMHO, the 'woe is me' pokemon pov story is one of the most overused plots in fanfic, right next to the 'Pokemon are SLAVES TO THE EVIL HUMANS' plot -.-
l0l this may not be the case, but are you referring to my story, "The Morals Behind a Muder"?? l0l
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