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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #16  
Old 07-07-2007, 12:17 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Oh, I like this. Your descriptions in this one are very nice. I can picture the battle quite clearly.
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  #17  
Old 07-07-2007, 09:00 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Thanks, if you could point out the spelling mistakes for me that would really help. (: And thanks Darth Murkrow. :D
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  #18  
Old 07-10-2007, 12:34 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Apologies for the double post, but people arn't really going to be searching a page back for my story are they? And for those who are reading it, this message is slightly important. I'm away for a week so I won't have a new chapter up for a while, Monday at the latest.
Thanks xx
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  #19  
Old 07-10-2007, 06:21 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Oh... Okay.

Everyone can have a life! No one lives at their computer... *Looks at Gaby*

But, yeah.

Have fun, wherever you're going!

Djax94
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  #20  
Old 07-15-2007, 10:35 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

CHAPTER 3

She was totally helpless; there was nothing she could do. She was bound by the thin net that held her and was forced to watch as the six Sandslash chased her brothers and sisters separate ways into the forest. She sat there uncomfortably in the net, its thin material cutting into her painfully. She tried to break free, she bit and she scratched, but it was no use. The material was too strong and she was too, well, weak.

The human noticed her escape attempts and laughed. He then turned round swiftly, causing the net to swing from side to side, and walked towards the van. He opened the doors of the back up, making a loud creaking noise. He then threw her in almost violently. He took no care into placing her in there; it was if he did not regard her as a living being. She landed with a thud on the floor and then he closed the doors. All was dark and Eevee was afraid to even breathe, she felt like she was trapped in a small space and began to panic. Then she cried, the tears running down her small face.

“Shush child, don’t be afraid,” said a voice softly.

Eevee turned round to where the voice came from, but she couldn’t quite make out where it came from.

“Who are you?” she asked, slightly afraid.

“Raichu, could you use your flash for us?” asked the voice again, “but not so bright, we don’t want to blind the young one.”

“Sure thing ma’am,” replied a second voice.

Suddenly there was a bright light and Eevee had to close her eyes to avoid being blinded. It then got darker, but enough light was kept for her to see around the van.

“I said not so bright!” the voice shouted, not so softly as before.

Eevee looked back up and saw, in a cage, a Delcatty. She looked like a proud Pokemon, but her skin was dirty and it looked like she had many wounds. In a cage next to her sat a Raichu, looking in just as bad a condition as Delcatty. There were other Pokemon in the van too, but they were either asleep or just ignored Eevee.

“You’re not hurt are you dear?” asked Delcatty, her voice returning to its original softness, “I know those humans can be a bit rough.”

“No, I’m fine,” lied Eevee, trying to ignore the pain in her feet where the net had cut her. She then looked down at the floor and she felt her eyes begin to well up.

“You don’t look fine ma’am,” said the Raichu.

Looking closer Eevee noticed that he wasn’t as young as the other Pokemon and that some of his fur had a hint of grey.

“I want to go home!” Eevee cried suddenly, bursting into tears, “I want to see mum! I want my brothers and my sisters! Please take me home!”

Delcatty and Raichu looked at each other and sighed and then they turned back to Eevee and tried their best to put on comforting faces.

“There’s no going home darling,” Delcatty said sadly.

Eevee felt her heart sink, she felt as if everything had left her. She was alone now, alone forever. She would never see her family again. She just wanted to cry herself to sleep; maybe she could escape this nightmare into her dreams, if only for a while.

About an hour later the van was re-opened and Eevee watched as one of her brothers and one of her sisters were thrown into the van with her. Of course she was happy to see them and was glad she was not alone, but she was sad that they would have to suffer in captivity as well. The truck began to move and Eevee guessed that the others had escaped. She was not used to a moving vehicle and she rocked backwards and forwards, feeling sicker every time. Many hours later it stopped. She knew now that she was far from home and would most likely never return.

“You two will stay with me won’t you?” she asked her siblings, snuggling up to them.

“Of course,” they replied simultaneously.

“You three listen up!” said Delcatty suddenly, “Look they are going to open this van up any minute! I have no idea where we are, but you’re not in a cage so you can escape. Just get near to the door and ready to run, don’t worry about me and Raichu, we’ll be fine. We’re old now, but you’re young! You still have so much life left to live; I won’t let you live it in a cage.”

The three Eevee’s nodded and they gathered close to the door, waiting for it to open. Eevee sat in the middle while her sister sat on one side and her brother on the other. The door opened and she jumped. She landed on the grass and listened to the angry sound of the humans as they watched her scamper away into the bushes. She waited in the bushes for her brother and sister, she waited for ages, but they never came. She searched all around the area, but with no success.

Then she ran, she ran wherever she could and didn’t stop, she couldn’t stop, but she could never run away from the guilt. The guilt of leaving her brother and sister behind.


Espeon felt her knees collapse beneath her and she hit the ground. Her head hurt and her vision was blurred and they began to water. She had to stand up though; she must get back to her feet. She winced as she pushed herself up, but she kept a brave face and would not let her master see her pain.

“Get your act together!” screamed her trainer angrily, “We have a tournament tomorrow and you will not ruin it for me!”

Andrew was a cruel trainer, Espeon had not come across a crueller one before and she did not expect she would. He gave her no confidence in battle and she was constantly punished if she did the slightest thing wrong. The punishment was more than harsh words though, it was pain. Eventually Espeon has got used to the pain, it was as if her skin had hardened, but as soon as her trainer realized this he had made the punishments worse.

It had not always been like this, she had once known a kind human who had cared for her as a child. When, as an Eevee, she had run away from the van, away from her sisters, she only stopped when she reached a deserted clearing. She had been attacked instantly by a Spearow, but a young girl by the name of Kim had rescued her. Espeon remembered her so well even now, everything from her beautiful blonde hair, to her kind and caring ways. Kim had never been Espeon’s trainer, but she had looked after her for a very long time and it was Kim’s love that had caused Eevee’s evolution into Espeon.

There was a strong bond between them, one that could not be broken. Espeon, even now, believed that she would see her again, she believed it with all her heart ever since the day they were seperated.

It had been in the winter, the day that they came. Espeon had noticed a poor Rattata out in the cold snow, freezing. She had run out of the warm, comforting house in which her and Kim lived in to rescue the unfortunate Pokemon. As she was helping Rattata inside, she had been attacked. The attack was too fast for her to fight back; she couldn’t even remember what happened. She just remembered waking up the next day next to Andrew. She had never escaped.

She missed Kim and sometimes at night she would cry, praying that she could go back to her, that this pain would end. She also prayed for her family. She wanted so much to be with them again, but she only prayed for their safety, that was enough. After all, she couldn’t ask for too much. Facing them would only remind her of what she did when she left the van.

“Stop daydreaming and get training!” shouted Andrew. He ran up to her and kicked her, knocking her back down. This time she didn’t have the strength to return to her weary feet, she just allowed her eyes to close and the world to go black.
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  #21  
Old 07-16-2007, 01:23 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Awwwwww...... poor Espeon. That is so unfair.

But that's ok. It adds to her character.
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  #22  
Old 07-17-2007, 04:07 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Aww... *sniff*

That's really mean. Espeon should've just Psybeamed him away! XD

But, that's really sad. A Really good chapter, though.
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  #23  
Old 07-18-2007, 03:19 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Thanks, sorry for the shortness, but I didn't really want much to happen. I just wanted to introduce her.
Next chapter is soon!
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  #24  
Old 07-23-2007, 02:27 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

CHAPTER 4


It had only taken them a few days to travel to Celadon city, Kim joining them on the journey. Umbreon was allowed to stay out of his Pokeball, as he always was. Carl very rarely asked him to return into the spherical prison. Carl and his team had easily got through the tournament and were now at the final. Kim had decided not to take part, but had agreed to watch. She always seemed to act strange around Umbreon, though he could not work out why.

It was a very packed stadium as Umbreon, with Carl towering at his side, walked onto the arena. They faced a trainer called Andrew and Umbreon noticed he treated his Pokemon incredibly cruelly, as if they were just dirt. Umbreon did not like him one bit and would take pleasure in beating him. The rules of the final were that each trainer had two one Pokemon each and Carl released Steelix first.

The first battle went smoothly for Carl. Steelix was put against a Charmeleon. Umbreon hadn’t expected Steelix to loose. Steelix was a large heavy Pokemon and Charmeleon, as well as being very small, seemed to already be weak. He was covered in bruises and cuts, maybe from earlier battle. This trainer was obviously not clever enough to take his Pokemon to be healed at the PokeCenter. Steelix won the battle with ease, even with the type disadvantage. Charmeleon was slow to react and this cost him dearly in battle.

Andrew’s second Pokemon was an Espeon. This Pokemon immediately caught Umbreon’s interest. She seemed so familiar to him, but that was just probably because he longed for any sign of his old family. Then again… Around the arena jumped Espeon. She was slim and would look beautiful had it not been for the many bruises on her body, like the ones Charmeleon had had. It then occurred to Umbreon that this might not be the work of Pokemon. The Espeon however, seemed more used to the pain and, using her strong psychic powers she managed to defeat Steelix. Then it was Umbreon’s turn.

“Umbreon use your quick attack!” shouted Carl.

Umbreon ran forward, gaining speed and tackled Espeon, knocking her into the air. Without order from her human she let loose a powerful psybeam attack, which hit Umbreon full on. This Pokemon was good at counter attacks. Suddenly a thought hit him; he shook his head, rejecting the idea. It was impossible, the chances were too slim. Yet when he was asked to tackle her again he hesitated slightly and didn’t give it his full strength.

“Espeon stop messing around! Tackle him to the ground!”

When Espeon jumped he allowed her to pin him to the floor, after all he needed a chance to sniff her. When he did his suspicions were confirmed. He felt like crying with happiness, he wanted to hug her.

“Sister?” He asked.

Espeon stopped pushing down her weight and sniffed him. Her eyes went wide and she began to cry, careful not to let anyone see.

“It’s you brother! I’ve missed you so much!”

“I’ve missed you too, but we can’t let them know, we have to finish this battle some way!” said Umbreon urgently.

“I can’t hurt you brother, I won’t, I refuse! I can’t loose either, who knows what Andrew will do to me!”

“I have an idea. Just copy me!”

Espeon allowed Umbreon up, causing Andrew to shout much unwanted abuse at his Pokemon. Umbreon then ran at Espeon for a tackle and she copied. They crashed together, paw against paw. To the crowd they were using all their strength, but in reality they were merely resting against each other.

“Now faint,” said Umbreon softly.

“I can’t loose I told you! He’ll hurt me!” Espeon replied, her eyes seeming to water.

“At the same time!”

Espeon nodded then, at the exact same time as Umbreon, she fell to the ground. There was the sound of the crowd going wild with shock and then Umbreon felt himself being picked up gently by Carl.

“You did well Umbreon,” he said smiling, but Umbreon could tell he was suspicious.

Later on, after Carl and Andrew were both crowned winners of the tournament, Umbreon sat in the PokeCenter with Carl. The others were still in the Pokeball and Umbreon was too lost in thought to communicate with his master. He couldn’t believe it. He had found his sister; he hadn’t even been searching for her! Guilt swept over him as he realized he hardly ever though of his family, he shook it off. This was a wonderful thing, to be re-united with a member of his family. Then a thought struck him, what now?

“Here you go sir, you’re Pokemon!” said the kind voice of Nurse Joy.

Umbreon looked up to see Andrew at the desk collecting what must be Espeon, his sister.

“Yeah, the worthless beast she is! I have a tournament at Vermillion City and that one she better not lose!” he said angrily, releasing Espeon onto the floor.

Nurse Joy looked disgusted at Andrew’s words; she obviously felt the same way about him as Umbreon did. If only he could get to Espeon. Suddenly there was a call from outside and the name the stranger called could not have made Umbreon happier.

“Andrew, come out here!” called the voice giving Andrew reason to leave Espeon alone by the desk.

“Sis!” called Umbreon, taking his chance. Espeon looked up and noticed him, her face breaking into a brilliant smile. She ran over to him and jumped on him, beginning to lick his face.

“Get off! Get off!” said Umbreon, but he was laughing. He felt his heart lift in his chest, all his worries gone at just the mere meeting with his long sister.

“Brother! I’ve missed you so much! You have no idea what happened to me! I…I…” then Espeon burst into tears.

Umbreon rubbed himself against her, their version of a hug, trying to cheer her up, “It’s my entire fault sis,” he said sighing. It was as the reminder of this had put out a fire and that fire was the only thing leading him onwards.

“It’s not your fault! It’s not!” shouted Espeon, shaking her head in disbelief.

By now Carl was looking at the two with interest. He had wondered earlier why Umbreon had lost so easily and why his attacks had gotten less effective. These two had a connection.

“Umbreon what’s going on?” he asked curiously.

Umbreon knew he couldn’t explain, Carl wouldn’t be able to understand him. He looked around, thinking of a way from him to explain everything that had happened. He spotted a piece of paper and a pen on the edge of Nurse Joy’s desk and an idea struck him. He explained to Espeon what to do and she immediately got to it. Her psychic powers enabled her to move things with her mind. She used them to bring over the pen and paper and then made the pen write words, human words. Once she had finished she sent the paper to Carl, who caught it before it knocked him in the head.

I am Espeon, the sister of Umbreon. Five years ago we were seperated from each other and the rest of our family. Seeing each other again is like a dream come true. All my life I’ve wished to leave my cruel trainer to search for my family, but I never saw chance of escape. Somewhere out there is my mother and me and Umbreon’s five other siblings.

“Come with us!” said Carl suddenly, “Leave Andrew and join me and Umbreon!”

Espeon shook her head and took back the paper to write something more.

I will not escape one master only to be imprisoned by another. If I am to leave him, it will be to go into the wild and to find my family. I ask of you one question, let me take Umbreon with me. He needs to be with his family.

Carl looked at this, his eyes growing wide. Umbreon knew that he would not allow it; they were best friends in a sense. Carl would not let go of that so easily. Before he could answer a beam of red light took over Espeon and she disappeared. Umbreon looked over in shock to see Andrew holding forward a Pokeball, he had obviously returned her. He then walked up to Carl, looking him straight in the eye. Umbreon growled, ready to protect Carl if Andrew did anything.

“Next time I’ll win,” said Andrew, pointing a finger at himself. He smirked and then left the PokeCenter, Espeon’s Pokeball in his hand.

Umbreon felt suddenly empty. He hadn’t realized all these years what he was without. He had finally found a family, now she was gone just like that. A tear dripped down his black fur and Carl could not help but notice it. That night as they sat in the room they had rented out, Carl said something to Umbreon that he had not thought he would ever say.

“Go after her,” said Carl quietly, looking at his feet.

Umbreon looked up, “But-”

“JUST GO!” shouted Carl.

That night Umbreon left. He knew Carl had not meant to shout, but never the less he could not stop thinking of the crying he had heard as he walked out the door. He knew that Andrew would be heading for Vermillion City and now Umbreon too would have to make his way there.

It was night and at night Umbreon felt most comfortable. He could blend in with his surroundings easily. He slipped through the night, following his sister.
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Last edited by WorkThoseStripes; 07-27-2007 at 01:38 PM.
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  #25  
Old 07-24-2007, 11:31 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

that post is awsome :D i cant wait for the next chapter, that one just warmed my heart =D
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  #26  
Old 07-24-2007, 12:03 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

WTS... You're a great writer of fan-fics!
Congrats and keep doing what you're best at! (WRITING)
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  #27  
Old 07-25-2007, 10:31 AM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Thankyou. (: I'll have the new chapter soon, much quicker than I posted that one. Thanks again.
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Old 07-27-2007, 02:38 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

CHAPTER 5

Umbreon felt like there was a huge gaping hole in his heart. He had never noticed it before, but the sudden appearance of his grown up sister seemed to have given him a new awareness of it. It was growing. Not only was Espeon missing from his life, but now Carl was gone too. He had told Umbreon to leave unwillingly and Umbreon knew now that there was little chance of seeing his master again. He was free now, but had he ever felt imprisoned to begin with?

Umbreon had been travelling all night now, yet he had only reached the outskirts of Saffron City. He had begun at a run, but his immortality had caught up with him. He had grown tired and gained a huge stabbing pain in his stomach. It had been easy to avoid human life while going through Celadon City, nobody had been awake. Children and adults slept quietly in their beds, never to know what Umbreon was facing. Saffron City had been a different story. By then it was early morning and a few people were up. At first nobody had troubled him, but his presence had caught the attention of a gang who had pursued him round the City. It had taken him almost two hours to shake them off and even longer to find his way out of the maze that was the city to the exit.

The exit of Saffron City was a small building which was patrolled by police officers. This didn’t pose much of a problem for Umbreon; he’d had to get past one of these on the way into the city. A great wall was built around the city, but it was only too easy for Umbreon to jump, using all his strength, and scramble onto the top. He leaped down and landed neatly in the grass. How far was it now until Vermillion City? He was fortunate enough to know the way there, he had travelled through Kanto with Carl many times now, but he could not remember the distance as easily.

Umbreon’s stomach grumbled, calling out for some food, but Umbreon could not help. There was nothing here that he could see to eat; in fact, all he could see was miles and miles of grass, stretched out before him. He cursed, why had he not got something from the city? Of course, it was too late now; he didn’t want to go back in there, especially at this time. The sun was already high in the sky and the city would be bustling with all sorts of life. Even if he did manage to evade everyone, he would still have to compete with another Pokemon for a scrap of food.

So Umbreon began to walk forward, ignoring his stomach’s cries for food and his mouth’s plea for water. There was nothing he could do but walk, hoping he would find something. It was after about an hour of walking that he came across a lake. Just the sight of water made him thirstier than ever and he would have run at it if he could. His legs, however, were aching, sore and blistered from the miles of walking he had done and he stumbled forwards towards the water, his unstable legs threatening to stop their support.

He lapped up the water greedily, not stopping for a moment. It was as if this water was all that existed in the world to him and if he stopped drinking he would surely have failed a great mission. He stepped into the water and it soothed his throbbing paws. Who would of though that a simple, dirty lake would have been like heaven for Umbreon who, until now, had lived in luxury?

“Excuse me?” said a voice so suddenly that Umbreon almost fell over.

He stopped drinking to look up at the person who had questioned him. It was a Fearow, though he looked very old. Umbreon knew that it was best to be prepared for an attack; Fearow’s weren’t always the most pleasant Pokemon.

“Are you ok?” Fearow asked politely, looking slightly taken back by Umbreon’s sudden attack pose.

Umbreon relaxed. This Fearow seemed kind and pleasant; surely he would be able to help him find food?

“I’ve been travelling all night,” replied Umbreon, “I hope that I haven’t disturbed you and this isn’t your lake.”

“It is not my lake,” Fearow replied, smiling, “The lake belongs to nobody, but itself. You must be hungry, stay here and I’ll fetch you some food.”

Umbreon nodded, “Thanks,” he called as the great bird Pokemon took off into the sky,

Fearow returned minutes later with a pile of berries and Umbreon was happy to see that he had carried them in his claws rather than his beak. Umbreon said his thanks again before diving at the berry pile, taking in every flavour like he had never eaten before.

“Where are you going?” Fearow asked after Umbreon had finished eating.

“To Vermillion City,” he replied.

“Well, you’re about half way there. I would like to offer you my wings though, there is a terribly dangerous forest blocking the way to Vermillion.” Fearow replied, a look of concern spreading across his face.

Umbreon shook his head, “No, you have helped me too much today. I must be on my way, thank you again!”

He than began to run. Vermillion was close than he had thought! If he ran now he would surely make in time to catch his sister before the tournament. It was not long before he came across the forest. It didn’t look frightening at all; it looked just like the one by the mountain from when he was younger. He entered it confidently, if anyone did threaten him he could take them down in an instance.

The forest began to thicker and more silent. It was then that Umbreon wished that he had taken up on Fearow’s offer; there was something not right about this place. Suddenly there was the rustle of bushes. Umbreon stood still, listening with all his might for any more sounds. Was that a stick breaking? Then there was silence again and Umbreon, cautiously, placed one paw forwards. It was then that they attacked; six huge Arcanine’s circling him with evil grins etched across their fury faces. Umbreon couldn’t keep his eyes on them all at once, what could he do?

“So, we have a trespasser in our forest,” said the largest. He was quite clearly the leader.

“I’m not trespassing,” replied Umbreon, his voice shaking, “I’m just taking a stroll.”

“Which in my opinion is trespassing,” the Arcanine growled, “Now we’re tired and hungry, you wouldn’t mind helping us out would you?”

They all laughed, licking their lips and drooling.

“H-help you, help you out?” asked Umbreon, wishing that he was so small they couldn’t see him.

“Yes,” replied Arcanine.

Then they pounced. They would have got him as well, had it not been for Umbreon being suddenly lifted into the air. His eyes were tight shut; he had no idea who his rescuer was. He opened them and found himself on the back of the Fearow from the lake.

“You should have taken my offer!” shouted Fearow, “Don’t look down!”

Umbreon, foolishly, did the exact opposite. He looked down and immediately felt dizzy. The world was so small and if he fell he knew he would surely die. He felt sick; he had never been up this high before.

After what seemed like a lifetime of flying, Fearow landed roughly on the ground outside Vermillion City. Umbreon jumped off shaking, eyes wide.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice trembling.

“No problem, I was glad to help you! I don’t know what you’re doing out all on your own,” Fearow said, “but I hope it all goes well. Be careful, it’s not safe out these days!”

Fearow then took off into the sky and, with a cry of “Good luck!” he disappeared into the distance.

Umbreon turned round and faced the city before him. It was not as big as Celadon or Saffron, but it was large never the less. He had to think hard now and fast, where would Andrew of taken Espeon? If he had a tournament he would surely wish to train. Then it hit him, a park. Umbreon scampered off into the city, a new hope had risen inside him.
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  #29  
Old 07-27-2007, 04:24 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Hullo. I've been meaning to read this fic for a while, since it sounded quite interesting. I've only got the Prologue and Chapter 1 under my belt so far, but I will certainly be reading the rest!

I have some tips and (maybe) some mistakes to point out:

Prologue: This was terribly sad, and I really did feel for poor Ninetails. Imagine, losing your children and your partner. Awful.

As a suggestion, I would say to possibly describe Ninetails's surroundings a lot more, particularly when she's running up to her nest to check on her partner and her eggs. We learned about the river, and that there is a rocky mountain upon which she has built her nest, but maybe you could describe what the nest looks like a little bit more. I suppose I had trouble picturing it.

Quote:
“Who knew where they would grow up and who with?”
I think "Who knew where they would grow up, and with whom?" sounds better.

Quote:
“Before she left the nest she took one last look at it, remember all the good times she had had there.”
I think that was meant to be "remembering" or "to remember," but correct me if I'm wrong.

Quote:
“She lifted her paw and wiped her fur and eyes then she left.”
Just missing a couple of commas here and there: "She lifted her paw, wiped her fur and eyes, and then she left."

Quote:
“There was no time to mourn now, she must get herself to safety then she could grieve for her loss.”
Perhaps breaking this into two different sentences would sound a bit better: "There was no time to mourn now, she had to get herself to safety. She could grieve for her loss later."

Quote:
“There was another gun shot, this time louder meaning it was closer.”
Missing a couple commas, I think: "“There was another gun shot, and this time, it was louder, meaning that it was closer."

Quote:
“The humans, dressed in black came and went, but Ninetales refused to leave the opening until the next day.”
Again, possibly missing a comma: "The humans, dressed in black, came and went..."

Another thing: Your two paragraphs at the end of the prologue are the same thing. I'm guessing you tried editing it (I see in a post following that you did indeed edit the prologue later) and forgot to take that first paragraph out, so you have a repeat. I do it all the time when revising stories, honestly :P

Chapter 1:
Quote:
“Never the less, she loved them all the same.”
Nevertheless works better as one word here.

Quote:
“She loved to lay out in the suns rays”
I'm guessing that should be "sun's rays"

Quote:
“Leave her she’s asleep!”
I guess you could either add a comma or a semicolon here. "Leave her; she's asleep." I think that sounds best when I read it aloud. o.O

Quote:
Ninetales’
I think it should be Ninetales's. Ninetales' would indicate that there are multiple Ninetales about instead of just showing possession for one Ninetales. It's hard to see this when one subject has what sounds like a plural name, though. If it was "Ninetale," it would be much easier to distinguish. :P

Quote:
“She hated them, in fact, she hated all humans.”
This might sound better as two different sentences: "She hated them. In fact, she hated all humans."

I like how you described which elements the little Eevee liked, and how, for some of them, you explained why that element was so good.

Quote:
“Water fascinated her. The way that it travelled freely with nothing to hold it back. The way its clear blue colour reflected the sunlight so beautifully. Its sound was so peaceful and relaxing, Eevee had once found herself drift to sleep next to it.”
I love that, and I would recommend doing the above for all of them, like saying why one of the Eevee liked the moon so much. (Its soft, modest glow, its beauty, the way it was mysterious, etc.)

Quote:
“The others followed, not knowing that this action would change their life forever.”
Maybe this should be "lives" instead?

I love this part:

Quote:
“Children?” she called loudly, hoping they would hear her and return.

There was no sound. It was happening again, she thought, just like a year ago! She had promised to keep them safe, but she couldn’t even control them. She decided that the most likely place they would have gone was the forest, it being their favourite place, and she raced down the mountain towards it.
I would also suggest having Ninetales experiencing the heartbreaking flashbacks of finding her nest and seeing it empty. Very sad stuff.

Quote:
“The seven Eevee hid behind the bushes staring at the building. It was huge, bigger than they had expected. Ninetales had never let them near it before, so this was their first glimpse of it. Every now and then there were sad cries of whatever Pokemon were trapped inside it. A big van was parked outside it, the back doors open. After a while, men dressed in black had begun to come outside with Pokemon in cages. They placed the cages in the van and then went back into the building for more.”
Here, I would suggest giving more description for the humans' building. For example, you could say how unnatural it looked in the otherwise serene and beautiful forest, how the cries of the captured Pokemon cut through those of the free, chirping bird Pokemon surrounding them, how intimidating it was to such small Pokemon (well, except for the overly brave Eevee in the family :P), etc.

I really like this story. I think you have a very cool idea, here, and I'll continue reading- I promise. Great work, so far! I can't wait to find out what happens to all of them. Keep it up. :)
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Last edited by silverfrost; 07-27-2007 at 04:27 PM.
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Old 07-27-2007, 06:09 PM
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Default Re: Seven Paths.

Thanks so much for those tips. (: I will get round to editing them later, you've really helped. Nice to know someone's reading. Thanks again. (:
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Last edited by WorkThoseStripes; 07-28-2007 at 06:12 AM.
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