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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.

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Old 06-24-2007, 02:28 AM
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Realityxxx Offline
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Default A Wrong Turn...

First fan fic ever...
Chapter One: A New Start...
In eterna forest, A family lived in a buatiful part of it, where a waterfall held many water types such as Buizel. And many pecha berry trees holding Chatot eggs, talking Chatot and flowers lived. There was a batutiful cave, surrounded by flowers.
"When Will It hatch?" A Gardevoir asked happily.

"I Don't Know. I Hope it does soon..." A Gallade Replied.

"Look, It's Hatching!" The Gardevoir said happily as a little head popped out of the egg.

"Mummy? Daddy?" The Ralts said happily.

"Yes Dear?" The Gallade said, picking up the small pokemon and taking it into the cave.

"Daddy Daddy!" two Kirlia's said, Running twords the Gallade.

"Who Are You?" The Ralts questioned.

"Their your sisters Ralts.." Gallade replied to the little pokemon.

"Mummy Mummy!" Two other Kirlias shouted, running twords their mother.

"Who Are They?" Ralts questioned Again.

"Their your brothers Ralts...." Gardevoir Replied.

To Be Continued...
Everyone's allowed to comment!
あたまの はなかざりの かおりには リラックスさせる こうかが ある。ていれを なまけると かれてし まう。

The aroma from the flower decoration on it's head has a relaxing effect. It will wither if it is not cared for.

Last edited by Realityxxx; 06-24-2007 at 05:07 AM.
Old 06-25-2007, 05:56 AM
Psychic Offline
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Join Date: May 2007
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Default Re: A Wrong Turn...

Well, firstly, you need some lessons in basic English grammar, because this is just littered with mistakes, and the worst part is that just about all of them could be fixed with Microsoft Word! Whenever typing up something, whether an essay for school or a story to post on a forum, type it on MS Word or a similar program because it will help you fix just about all your basic mistakes! That or get a parent, friend, older sibling, teacher or any kind of Beta to help you write in the future.

For example, Not every Random Word should Be capitalized. The only time a word will be capitalized is if it's right after a period or if it's a proper noun; the name of a person or place, such as Ash, Joshua, Cerulean City, Japan and so on.

Also, whenever addressing a person, there needs to be a comma before the name. Examples:
"Hi, Jessica, how are you?"
"Did you see that cute little bunny, Harry?"
"I already told you to go away, Sam!"
"They're your brothers, Ralts..."

Also note that there's a difference between "they're" and "their," not to mention "there." "They're" means "they are," so for example: "They're very nice people."
"Their" means "belonging to them," so for example: "Their hats were blue."
"There" refers to a place, so for example: "The pokéball is over there."

So you get the idea; the grammar was incredibly poor. Now, the story itself...still not good. Since this is illegally short I won't go into too much detail, but I'll say that this REALLY needs description to start with, because reading this is more like reading a textbook than a story. Actually, it feels more like the Bible, and not in a good way. Liven it up, paint a picture of a scene in the reader's mind! What is Eterna Forest, what does it look like, what time of day is it, what's the weather like? What does the egg look like; what kinds of colours and pattenrs are on it, how big is it? What do Gardevoir, Gallade and Kirlia look like? What does it look like when the Ralts is being born- does the egg explode, is the Ralts covered is goo? How does the family look or act when they see the Ralts being born and when they meet their little brother/sister to begin with?

Also, plenty of things didn't make sense. Like how could a BABY who was just born know how to talk perfectly? How does it know what a Mommy and Daddy and who they are is but not who its brothers or sisters are? Why is the mother already talking to Ralts as if she already knew it for a long time- she's not even treating it like a baby! Why isn't the Ralts crying when it's born like other animals, or have perfectly developed vocal chords and eyes that let it speak and see perfectly? Why is Ralts EXPECTED to know what a Mommy, Daddy, brother and sister are? Why didn't the egg at least crack when it was hatching like normal eggs do, and wouldn't the Ralts be covered in embriotic fluid?

Please do some research about newborn animals before writing about a birth. @.@

Really, unless you can pull your act together this is going to get locked because of poor quality. So good luck with that. :/

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Old 06-25-2007, 04:04 PM
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Default Re: A Wrong Turn...

I owe you one, Psychic, thanks for covering all that.

Sorry, but you really need to work on your basics first. Read the guides as well, and look over some of the more successful fan fictions to see how other people do it.


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