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Old 06-23-2007, 02:22 AM
Zerophex Offline
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
Default Stoic Moron (ONE-SHOT)

OFF: Ever found it weird how there were all those Pokemon trainers in canon who always try to hunt down and capture Legendary Pokemon and yet, hunt them alone and carry only one or two Pokemon with them, said Pokemon not even having the type advantage or anything most of the time?

After all, Legendary Pokemon are supposed to be god-like creatures. Doesn't that strike you as truly strange?... and somewhat foolish if not even blatently stupid?

Most of those "Legendaries Hunters" will never meet or yet alone even see the Legendary Pokemon they seek so it's not much of an issue. But what if... one of them was to actually run into the Legendary Pokemon he/she was seeking to capture?

Thus, Stoic Moron, my newest one-shot, was writen!


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"Flygon! I choose you!"

A blinding flash of red light pulled him out of the dreamless, peaceful sleep.

Slowly, he began to feel the blood flowing anew in his veins, the world stopping spinning, his perceptions growing clearer. It was all normal stuff, really. Trained Pokémon have to cope with being forced back into physical shape before being unmade into energy once more and stored into a cramped little sphere daily. It was disorienting and sometimes, he would feel the world spinning a bit more when he came out... and sometimes, he did feel the vacuum pulling on him a bit too hard upon returning but still, what regular Pokémon didn't face such things?

"Flygon! Get ready!"

Yawning, he slowly got up and brought his arms up, rubbing his eyes. The last few shades of color stopped swirling and his ears finally stopped buzzing, allowing him to finally understand where he was.

Shades of green everywhere. Looks like they were still in that forest. How many times now has he been summoned into this forest? A few hundred times? Thousands? Millions? He didn't know, having lost count long ago, not that he knew how to count in the first place. All he had to do was do whatever he was told. Easy enough.

Still... why were they still in this forest?

... Oh yeah, he remembers now.

Many times, the master said many times that they were hunting some kind of Pokémon. Its name was Raikou or something like that.

Raikou... didn't he hear the name before? He's absolutely positive he heard it before... and then, there was the fact that he was also sure that Raikou had been called a Legendary Pokémon.

Legendary Pokémon? Nah... as if those existed. God-like Pokémon with an intelligence way beyond humans? As if those could exist. Sure, there were those idiotic Pokémon and humans that prayed to them or something... but if they truly existed, wouldn't they answer the prayers or something?

... Why is he wondering? He's a trained Pokémon. Do what you're told and smile. The master will reward you, eventually, for all of your hard work. That was what his mother told him long, long ago... or is it? He can't truly remember.

In fact, is he sure this is even the same forest as before? Same smells, sure... but not like he had been there before physically. When one never choose its own course, it's hard to keep track.

Great, more thoughts...

Huh? What's that?

The air suddenly got... it was so very weird. All he could say was that he felt his left arm tingling. Actually, his whole body's tingling! What's going on?

He turned to master, wondering why he hadn't said a single order yet. Was it dinner time?... no, else he would have told him so.

So... why was he out there, not receiving orders? What was this weird feeling?

Most of all... why was he suddenly so scared?

"Flygon! Get ready!"

Get ready get ready! Fine, fine! He got it! He turned back toward the horizon, the direction where master was looking.

Huh? Is it him or... or is the ground shaking? An earthquake?

... No. He can hear something!

... There, in the distance! Is that an Arcanine? But... how and why?

Yes indeed, there's some kind of figure running and it does look like a dog of sorts... he thinks. Maybe is it something else?

It's silly but... what is the description of those Legendary Pokémon, again? More exactly, what does Raikou is supposed to look like, again?

Some kind of white helmet hiding a feline head, a strong yellow canine body with the grace of a feline body, purple fur forming a bubbling cloud of sorts on the back, a short tail like a white thunderbolt...

Sounds positively hideous. Also sounds like an electric Pokémon considering the mention of thunderbolts. Why would master want an electric Pokémon? Not as if he wasn't ground-type, which make these weak against him...

But then, on another hand, they say that types don't really matter to Legendary Pokémon. God-like they are, according to those who believe in their existence. But well, as if there existed Pokémon that can subdue hurricanes, destroy entire human homes with one attack, and unleash ripples through the air that can immobilize entire herds of Pokémon...

How ridiculous. This kind of Pokémon can't exist!

... Why is the ground shaking more and more? What's this sound? Electricity?

Huh? Is that figure using a Thunderbolt or something? Why are there those strange lights...

Wait a minute! This thing is not using a Thunderbolt attack... it is SURROUNDED by thunderbolts! Bolts of lightning, swirling around it as it runs! But... how is that possible!

"Flygon! Prepare yourself to use Earthquake!"

The entire ground's shaking! Those sounds! He can hear the Pidgeys escaping and the cries of wild Pokémon running for their lives! How can master be so calm?

Those eyes... the helmet... the creature IS Raikou, without a doubt!

Oh dear Mew! The legends were all true! That... that monstrous thing is running at them! Oh dear... the terror... the pure, sheer, cold chill of raw, undiluted terror! Why isn't the master returning him?

"NOW! Flygon! Use..."



... and then, there was silence... and pain...

Tha... that thing... it... it ran over both him and his trainer without even slowing down, nor even noticing them...

"Tha... that's not fair. It... it didn't even... slow down..." slowly said the trainer, a big mark in the shape of Raikou's left paw on his forehead.

Then, they both fainted.

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Old 06-25-2007, 04:10 AM
Psychic Offline
Master Trainer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On Serebiiforums
Posts: 445
Default Re: Stoic Moron (ONE-SHOT)

I just remembered that there was something else I wanted to add to my other review, but since I cannot access thr page, as usual, I'll just say it here. :S

As mentioned, I quite like the entire premise behind this One-Shot. It's something that's really not mentioned in any of the cannons and when you think about it, it's actually rather funny how unprepared both Trainer and Pokémon can be. I especially liked the Flygon's complete lack of knowledge (or caring) about Raikou here- quite realistic.

My main gripe was, as mentioned, the pace of the entire thing. It went at a break-neck speed that was hard to follow properly- it really felt like you rushed to write this. It was all very choppy, and it went much too fast with the focus on all the wrong things- honestly, while I thought the Pokéball thing to be quite clever, I still found that it was talked about in more detail and depth than the appearance of Raikou.

Personally, I also disliked the way the story was told. I know it was supposed to be just the Flygon's thoughts, but I think it would have really been better to have added some description of Raikou appearing, and of everything in general. This is one of the most basic aspects of "show, don't tell" because you were TELLING "oh god, is that Raikou? Wow, look at those thunderbolts!" which I found to be kind of boring to read. In an epic, earth-shattering scene like this you want to give Raikou a big, grand entrace that will impress your reader. Because in the end, I came away feeling bored; the scene felt dry and uninteresting, and I just wasn't into it. At LEAST adding a line like "My eyes widened as the beast swung its head skyward and gave a mighty roar, causing bolts of electricity to cackle in the air" could have done wonders and painted a great scene in the reader's head, so to mention slow down the erratic pace.

Really, while I liked the premise I think you could have pulled it off better. Also, a bit more of a focus on in what way the Flygon was stoic; the fact that it was all thoughts made it feel like everything was happening really fast, while if something is stoic usually everything feels slower. You could have played more with WHY he froze and how, as well as just making it a bit longer by adding in some physical descriptions so as to make Raikou seem more impressive. It all just feels rushed, and I think you just needed to spend more time fine-tuning it., looks like I had a lot more to say than I thought. XD

Good luck,
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