The Rath of Fire Pokemon!

[politoed123]

Chapter 1

"Run!!" Screamed hundreds of people they are coming.

"What is coming" asked Ash Ketchem while standing in the middle of the crowd of running screaming people.

"The Elite 10!" yelped one guy

"They are powerful fire types that are planing to destroy our world!" yelled another guy

"Why are they" asked ash confusionly "What did we do to them?"

"They are upset because we got many water pokemon and had them use hydro pump in the volcano in cinnabar and the lava turned solid and now they cant live there! So ten of the strongest fire type pokemon including heat ran are going to destroy our homes since we destroyed theres!"

"That is bad. Why doesnt some strong water trainer just beat them and they will stop?" said ash conserernd.

"every one who tried died bye the elite 10" said some random guy

"We must stop them!" said ash firmly

"The elite 10 are invincible rumors are the pokemon are heatran; magmortar; blaziken;infernaape; charizard; houndoom; typhlotion; arcanine; torkoal; camerump; and entei!

To be contiued (i know it sucks but im just board...)

[Rawr]

1st. post!!! It needs way more description and I think you need to lead us into the story more. I was a bit confused :S. Keep working at it and I'll be happy to review the next chapter!!!

[Psychic]

Boredom is hardly an excuse for writing a bad story. I mean, you couldn't possibly have taken more than three minutes out of your life to write this, and it shows. I'd suggest learning English grammar before writing anything ever again, because you need a good lesson in even the most basic spelling and grammar. Doing things like not using questions marks, not capitalising proper nouns or saying 'bye' instead of 'by' is just sad, and had you at least written on a program like Microsoft Word a lot of the problems here would have been fixed.

So far this is a weak start. Your idea sounds neat, even though it doesn't make sense that Entei and Heatran lived in the volcano in Cinnibar instead of Moltres, especially while Entei is running around Johto and Moltres is SUPPOSED to live in the Cinnibar vicinity. But you just don't seem to have the basic grammatic skills to write at this point, plus this chapter isn't even long enough to be considered an actual chapter.


Like I said, it's an interesting idea and it COULD be good, even though it's just a set-up for Pokémon the Movie 46: Save the World Again, Ash! If I were you, I'd use original characters. Or at least describe Ash and his companions. >>

In any case, I'd advise going back to the drawing board. Sorry.


~Psychic

[Argento]

"Confusionly" is now my new favorite word.

Also, the word is "wrath," not "rath," so remember, spellcheck is your friend, especially in titles.

[Eiyoko]

I'm going to be blunt with this.

Bad grammar, bad spelling, bad description, bad title.

Also, being bored is no excuse for doing something like this.

There's no need to put "to be continued" after you label that sorry excuse for a story a "chapter"...

Your concept also needs alot of work.

[Realityxxx]

Politoad, Your story is worse than Grovile's! You are insulting the hot fires inside me!

*takes out Magna Sword*
LEGENDARY HEATRAN, ENTEI, MOTRES AND HO-OH, SEALED IN THIS VERY SWORD,MELT THIS THREAD TOGETHER!
*Heatran, Entei, Motres and Ho-oh melt thread to death*
NOW YOU WILL FEEL THE REAL WRATH OF FIRE!

[politoed123]

... ok then.... wow u r a nerd kitten girl....

[Bay]

Yeah, like everyone else said, this needs a lot of work. Besides grammar, the story is full of dialogue, telling. In a story you are supposed to be showing., make the readers sink into the story and see the surroundings, the situation they are going to see. For instance, instead of having one person talk about how the "Elite 10" got mad because of the magma being turned into solid, write that as a scene, describe it. Heck, put that as your prologue for your story!

Another thing is the plot. Yeah, like Psychic said, it looks like it is just one of those Ash saving a city, etc. kind of plot. That plot can work out well...but it would have to be more plan out. If you are still going to insist having Ash, at least develop his character a bit...how would he react in certain situations. Also, try not to make Ash out of character. For instance, don't give him superpowers and such.

Well, if you want to improve, here are some things I insist you do:
1)Get a grammar book and read it!
2)Pratice your writing skills and grammar
3)Read a few books and fanfictions here (the stories with [WAR] somwhere in the thread title are good ones to check out)
4) Read the guidelines that Neo Pikachu made. It will help you improve a lot...trust me.

Now, sorry that this review was a long one. I am here to help you improve. Well, good luck!

[Realityxxx]

Originally Posted by politoed123

... ok then.... wow u r a nerd kitten girl....

You are just getting me angrier and angrier you i****, and trust me, you do not want to be here when i'm mad...

[politoed123]

ok u remind me of a hawiin girl who moved to south carolina and she belies in demons and tat crap and get away from my posts!!!!!!!!!

[da ink]

no offence dude but your chapters need to be longer

[politoed123]

I know but i want to delete this cause i wrote it in like 3 min at 3 am one night and i thought of the 1st thing that came to mind

[Realityxxx]

Originally Posted by politoed123

I know but i want to delete this cause i wrote it in like 3 min at 3 am one night and i thought of the 1st thing that came to mind

You cant delete it. You have to get a Mod or a G-mod to lock it.

[Wingull]

Originally Posted by KittenGirl2000

Politoad, Your story is worse than Grovile's! You are insulting the hot fires inside me!

*takes out Magna Sword*
LEGENDARY HEATRAN, ENTEI, MOTRES AND HO-OH, SEALED IN THIS VERY SWORD,MELT THIS THREAD TOGETHER!
*Heatran, Entei, Motres and Ho-oh melt thread to death*
NOW YOU WILL FEEL THE REAL WRATH OF FIRE!

KittenGirl2000. What is it with the Magna Sword? I see it in almost every thread! Lol.

I like it, but you can do better, the other one you made was a little more descriptive! (sp?)

[Realityxxx]

Originally Posted by Wingull

KittenGirl2000. What is it with the Magna Sword? I see it in almost every thread! Lol.

I like it, but you can do better, the other one you made was a little more descriptive! (sp?)

Check the *Insert Pokemon Name here* Survivor Game in the Other:Chat board for the VERY FIRST post with it!(Only invented it 'cause i was mad)
EDIT:
Here It Is:

Originally Posted by KittenGirl2000

Me right now:
Well, we DO have permission from Neo you know! Please, Quit insulting our games! We dont like it! Do you know HOW HARD it is to make a plot!? How would YOU like it if someone insulted one of your games? SAD AND MAD. Quit insulting our games! *Invents somthing called the "Magna Sword" that looks like a normal sword, but can melt threads* MAGNA SWORD, FULL POWER!!!!!!
*Magna Sword half melts thread*
NOW, LEGENDARY ENTEI, SEALED IN THE MAGNA SWORD,SUMMON CALL!
*Magna Sword summons Entei and fully melts thread to death*
MUHAHAHA!
*Magna Sword Summons Back Entei*
AWWW...

Ahh.....Reminds me of when i was a N00b... Oh wait.....That was Random Day