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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-03-2007, 09:01 PM
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Jaden0527 Offline
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Default Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Don't understand the title, don't worry. I don't either.This is going to be a short entry but I don't know why I type,this. No one really cares.If anyone does read this,I'm starting it off by showing all the characters point of views when the accident occured.(iI'm not good with grammar and sentence structure soe bare with me)

Chapter 1:May

"Hey babe,want to dance?" The boy asked. His breath reeked of alcohol. "Eww. Please take this." May handed the boy a can of altoids. May could barely see through the haze in

the air. She pulled her shirt over her face to shield her mouth and nose. It didn't help. She started to halucinate. Lakes on her the walls, trees on the cieling, Mews swimming in her drinks. You name it, she could see it. It wasn't imagination though.

For a moment she thought she saw Brock. She tried to ask him where Ash was but he never responded. Plus she was talking to a door knob.

When the partiers ran out of drugs she eventually realized Brock was in a different region and that she was flirting with a door knob.

"Ash, you in there?" May asked. May twisted the door knob slowly so she wouldn't make noise. "Ash can sleep through anything. He has to be sleep by now," May thought. She was trying to convince herself that he wasn't with a girl. She was pretending that she didn't hear the moaning. She was still high and hallucinating, except she was just hearing it. She wasn't hearing a familiar voice call out Ash's name.

The tears were already pouring down May's face. Something similar to this had happened before. Except Ash was with May when he cheated. Ash cheated on his cheerleader girlfriend with May. Now May had reason to belive that Ash was doing the same thing, just with another girl.

May didn't want to open door, but her mind told herself it was the right thing to do. She let go of the door knob and went into the kitchen. She pulled all the drawers out of place as she searched for her butcherknife. She knew where it was but it was Ashes dorm. If he doesn't get hurt, might as well give him someting to be annoyed with .

She tore apart the whole dorm just to find the knife that calmly sat on the table.

May retreated back to the cracked door. The moaning still didn't stop. "Blazeiken, get over here,"May whispered.

May pushed the door open and jumped out of sight. Ash jumped out of bed. A lump was still there. It was clear someone was there.

Ash grabbed a bat and walked slowly towards the door. He hled the bat like he was a pro, yet he could barely hit the ball. His ex before his last ex was that girl who was a fan of the Electabuzzes. She couldn't even teach him how to play.

Ash stepped out and immediately found his leg engulfed in fire. He fell to the floor where his arm and neck joined in with the pain of his leg.

"What the **** May? What's wrong with you?" Ash asked while he rolled around in pain.

"I'm tired Ash. I should've realized you were going to go **** another girl. You always do. Come to think of it. That's how we got together." May said between tears.

May took the knife off the table and walked in to the room. The lump was gone. There wasn't any windows in the room so who ever it was Ash that was with was still there.

May quickly turned to closet. She crept torwards the door making no noise. May didn't want fear to strike her prey until she showed her face.

She quickly pulled open the door. However, know one was there.

The girl could see Ash's foot sticking out of the door way. The girl ran out to check up on Ash. Make sure May wasn't there. Everyone knew how angry May could get. May once broke a girls leg because the girl got in line first when the girl saw May running to get in line. She has anger problems. It wouldn't take long to get to the front, considering May was only second in line.

The girl stepped out and stopped to check herself in the mirror across the room.She checked her orange hair still the same, just a little longer. Her orange hair tied up on the left side of her head with a blue hair tie. Her blue eyes.

"I can't say I'm suprised. I just thought he would've ****** you after he broke your bike when he first saw you. He waited a little while longer I guess," May said. May cokced her gun. She had already dropped her knife, deciding that it wasn't neseccary. " We did have sex back, then. He just thought you couldn't satisfy him, and came back for more." The girl said.

"Wow, Misty. I guess he was really in love with you."

end of chapter 1.

I'll find a way to incoporate more pokemon into the story. I'll make sure of it. If I don't forget.

If you read all of this, please tell me what I need to change. I'm a sucky story writer. That's why I write though. So I can get better.

Last edited by Jaden0527; 06-03-2007 at 10:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:00 PM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Ugh, sounds like a dumb teen drama to me. And damn, you couldn't give this an appropriate rating so readers would know before walking into a story like this?


Really; first of all, this might as well not be a Pokémon fic. In fact, it SHOULDN'T be Pokémon because it has nothing to do with Pokémon, the world or any of the characters in it: as far as I can tell, these are completely different characters that coincidentally have the same names as the kids from the show. None of the characters have retained a SHRED of their personalities from the cannon (last I checked May was TEN and didn't even know where Eggs came from) and the fact that they have Pokémon companions has been almost completely pverlooked except for May suddenly sicking her Blaziken on Ash (although Blaziken acted more like a robot than a sentient, living, breathing creature who'd never have attacked Ash in the Animé). Also, why they're at a party instead of training or participating in the Pokémon League/Contests completely eludes me.

Grammar and spelling was bad the whole way through: Miscrosoft Word is a godsend and should seriously be used in the future. Getting a beta - a parent, sibling, cousin, friend, teacher - to go over and correct your work for you would do a world of good as you don't seem to know much about writing English. In many parts entire words were missing and in others the wording got mixed up so it was hard to understand what was being said.

Description was non-existant most of the time and the rest of the time there was a weak attempt at it. You need to SHOW us what everything looks like: from the surroundings to the people to the Pokémon to attacks to objects. For instance, if instead of saying "May took the knife off the table and walked in to the room." you could have said something to make it more interesting, scarier and that would show how the characters feel. So instead you could for instance say "With a twisted grin on her face May snatched the knife off the table. For a moment she stopped and held it in her hands, grasping the wooden handle with sweating palms and admiring her reflection on the blade with its sharp, curved edge. Grinning with satisfaction and an odd gleam in her eyes May stormed back into the room, holding the knife high." We took ONE sentence and made it into three, created solide imagery, created mood and showed that the character was thinking some dangerous thoughts.
Drama, suspense, mood, all of it was missing from this piece. It's coming off as flat, dull and as if from the mouth of someone completely inexperienced with writing.

And by the way, it's pretty much impossible to get high off smoke itself. In some concerts with artists I won't name it's sometimes vaguely possible, but the only way to really get high without smoking anything is to MAD hotbox a small room like a car of bathroom.



Anyways, this entire thing was weird and hard to follow, and thus far looks like just another poor atempt at an angst/drama, which I couldn't follow half the time because of rather terrible grammar and writing style.

It has potential, as you COULD make this work, but most certainly not by using characters like Ash and May unless they have SERIOUSLY changed within the time span of six years (as they're ten years old in the cannon). If you still want this to take place in the Pokémon world, not that it would benefit the story in any way, then create your own characters instead of murdering these.


My suggestion: completely rework it from scratch. Sit down and write it with an older sibling or teacher, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it and...don't make cannon characters of ten years of age into maniacs who wave butching knives around and try to light people on fire. >>


I probably come off as sounding mean, but sorry, it's the truth. And if you're old enough to write a story like this I'm sure you're old enough that I don't need to lie about it.

~Psychic
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Last edited by Psychic; 06-03-2007 at 10:18 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:13 PM
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Thanks. At least I got someone to comment. Although I need May, Ash, and Misty for the drama with the created characters that are coming up later in the story. This is in college though. I called it an academy because College of the Unexpected doesn't ring.

Most of the stuff you said,you'd have to read on to find out. I also said I would find a way for pokemon to be incoporated into the story. Plus I was going for the LOST effect and use flash backs to explain why everything is like this. I haven't started that yet. I'm not a good descriptionist(not a word I don't think). I end up making what I'm describing even more confusing. So I don't try most of the time. The smoke is actually a big secret despite it being just smoke.

This isn't looking to good so far anyways, so I think I'm about to just cut it off if I can't get more people to reply and I can't improve.

Oh yeah,the pokemon. They are starting to act violently for a reason which would also be explained in the flashbacks if people would really read this and reply. I saw that thirteen people probably tried to read it,but only one replied. So I'm probably going to quit and try again later.

It's not mean. I already know I'm a horrible writer. I used to write pretty good, then I worked on my drawings for my stories and my stories sucked. Maybe I'll try again later.

Last edited by Jaden0527; 06-03-2007 at 10:17 PM.
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  #4  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:20 PM
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaden0527 View Post
Thanks. At least I got someone to comment. Although I need May, Ash, and Misty for the drama with the created characters that are coming up later in the story. This is in college though. I called it an academy because College of the Unexpected doesn't ring.

Most of the stuff you said,you'd have to read on to find out. I also said I would find a way for pokemon to be incoporated into the story. Plus I was going for the LOST effect and use flash backs to explain why everything is like this. I haven't started that yet. I'm not a good descriptionist(not a word I don't think). I end up making what I'm describing even more confusing. So I don't try most of the time. The smoke is actually a big secret despite it being just smoke.

This isn't looking to good so far anyways, so I think I'm about to just cut it off if I can't get more people to reply and I can't improve.

Oh yeah,the pokemon. They are starting to act violently for a reason which would also be explained in the flashbacks if people would really read this and reply. I saw that thirteen people probably tried to read it,but only one replied. So I'm probably going to quit and try again later.

It's not mean. I already know I'm a horrible writer. I used to write pretty good, then I worked on my drawings for my stories and my stories sucked. Maybe I'll try again later.
You can't even use good grammar while explaining why you don't have good grammar. And like Psychic said, you need to put a proper rating on this. To me, this just screams an R rating. Maybe PG-13, but that would be pushing it. Edit the title to include the rating and not just "graphic" as that could mean a dozen different things, some of which aren't bad (for all I know you could be talking about computer graphics, this could include animation, which little kids just eat up), and you also need to learn what Spell Check is, and how to use it, because I don't think you've ever seen it in your life.
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  #5  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:43 PM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaden0527
Thanks. At least I got someone to comment. Although I need May, Ash, and Misty for the drama with the created characters that are coming up later in the story. This is in college though. I called it an academy because College of the Unexpected doesn't ring.
First of all, LOTS of fics here don't get comments. I have seen some amazing fics here without even a single comment and then a really cruddy one with fifteen. And every thread you'll ever see has at least three times as many views as comments, so don't stress over it.

Second, you really DON'T need these characters. You can easily fill in these characters with ones you make up yourself and it will have NO EFFECT on the story, seeing as so far they're all COMPLETELY AU. You're not even keeping their personalities true to the cannon, so why use them at all? You can easily replace Ash with...Jason, an egotistical, self-centered jerk who with hit on anything with breasts and sleep with any hot girl. May can be replaced by Liz, a red-head who is overprotective, neurotic and has attachment issues. And Misty can be replaced with Pauleen, the air-headed idiot whom all the boys take advantage of and gets around faster than drugs in the seventies. :/


Quote:
Most of the stuff you said,you'd have to read on to find out. I also said I would find a way for pokemon to be incoporated into the story.
If they're at a college, what's the point? When would the use of Pokémon ever arise? And if Ash, Misty and May have already been Trainers and currently own plenty of Pokémon, what more do they need to learn?

Also, find out what? Most things I said were about your writing, not the plot itself.


Quote:
Plus I was going for the LOST effect and use flash backs to explain why everything is like this.
Never seen LOST. And while this style could work, you're just not pulling it off very well.


Quote:
I haven't started that yet. I'm not a good descriptionist(not a word I don't think). I end up making what I'm describing even more confusing. So I don't try most of the time. The smoke is actually a big secret despite it being just smoke.
Practice makes perfect. Get practicing.


Quote:
This isn't looking to good so far anyways, so I think I'm about to just cut it off if I can't get more people to reply and I can't improve.
Boo hoo, no replies. ;;

Use whatever the reviewers you DO have have told you, and use THAT to improve. Don't whine for comments- most of the ones on this board are "that was awesome, please update!" comments anyway. :/


Quote:
Oh yeah,the pokemon. They are starting to act violently for a reason which would also be explained in the flashbacks if people would really read this and reply.
There's a difference between acting violently by one's own will and being COMMANDED to commit acts of voilence and obeying. -_-


Quote:
I saw that thirteen people probably tried to read it,but only one replied. So I'm probably going to quit and try again later.
What a sad, sad story! It's touching, really, it is. Tell it to the world!


Quote:
It's not mean. I already know I'm a horrible writer. I used to write pretty good, then I worked on my drawings for my stories and my stories sucked. Maybe I'll try again later.
You used to write "pretty good"? Somehow I doubt it. And it's not like you lose literary talents overnight.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeveeking929 View Post
You can't even use good grammar while explaining why you don't have good grammar. And like Psychic said, you need to put a proper rating on this. To me, this just screams an R rating. Maybe PG-13, but that would be pushing it. Edit the title to include the rating and not just "graphic" as that could mean a dozen different things, some of which aren't bad (for all I know you could be talking about computer graphics, this could include animation, which little kids just eat up), and you also need to learn what Spell Check is, and how to use it, because I don't think you've ever seen it in your life.
...Well, nice job coming off as a flame. >> Not to mention having grammar that is soooo much 1337er than Jaden's. >>

Also, there are different types and degrees of graphic, which is what I was getting at. Do you honestly think kids are dumb enough to thing "graphic" means "there will be pictures of butterflies and unicorns"? :/


~Psychic
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Last edited by Psychic; 06-03-2007 at 10:46 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-03-2007, 11:01 PM
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
...Well, nice job coming off as a flame. >> Not to mention having grammar that is soooo much 1337er than Jaden's. >>

Also, there are different types and degrees of graphic, which is what I was getting at. Do you honestly think kids are dumb enough to thing "graphic" means "there will be pictures of butterflies and unicorns"? :/


~Psychic
Yep, you are definitely the same Psychic from Serebii. Anyway, I recognize that when I directly post, the grammar isn't always very good because my fingers slip on the keyboard, and unlike Jaden, I'm not writing a full fledged story that any idiot would think to spell check before posting, so I don't particularly need to. You're a long way from Serebii my friend, and things are just a bit less perfect around here. And I was just making a point to Jaden that if you aren't very specific, then people can mistake something for something else, so he really should be. Now, instead of yelling at me, which makes no sense whatsoever since I am not the one at fault, why don't you go help Jaden, since clearly you're so much more suited for it then I am. I mean, you could so easily defeat me in a mini-modding competition. Oh, wait, it's not a competition. It's a helping hand. I'm not the target here, genius.
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  #7  
Old 06-07-2007, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Academy of the Unexpected(graphic)

Why are you peolpe still posting here? I said it's done.
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