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Old 05-30-2007, 10:41 PM
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Default [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

Note: I did not write this, I am not claiming to have written it. I just thought it was extremely amusing and decided to share it with you all. This was written by Grass of Zelda Universe.


Deku Tree: Navi, come hither…

Navi: What’s up, Deku Tree?

Deku Tree: Come hither, Navi…

Navi: Uh, I am hither. What do you want?

Deku Tree: Navi… Come hither, Navi…

Navi: I AM HITHER! What do you want?

Deku Tree: …hwa? Oh, Navi! I was just about to call thou… duh… thee… thoo?

Navi: You DID call me. What do you need?

Deku Tree: I dunno… huh…

Navi: Have you been smoking weed again?

Deku Tree: Well, what else am I supposed to do with the weeds? They grow all over the place, and it’s not like anyone cares enough to get rid of them…

Navi: sighs Whatever. What do you need me to do?

Deku Tree: Go get those kids… in that tree… y’know…

Navi: What, the triplets?

Deku Tree: Yeah… they’re gonna like… save the world and stuff… huh huh…

Navi: Right… I guess I’ll go get them. But do me a favor and sober up before I come back, so you can actually make some sense, all right?

Deku Tree: Huh huh… okay… heh… if I had fingers, they’d be crossed right now…

Navi: Idiot.

Navi flies through the forest, towards the house of the Link triplets.

Navi: Why does that pothead need me to do his dirty work? There are plenty of suckers around! Why me? I don’t care about the world anyways. Plus, how are three little kids going to save it anyways? I mean…

Random Kokiri Girl: Hello!

Navi: Piss off!
Navi: Hey, guys, wake up, you gotta go save the world…

Yellow Link: Cool! I’m in!

Navi: That’s great. Wake up your brothers, will ya?

Black Link: Mmph…

White Link: Oof…

Yellow: Come on, guys, let’s go save the world!

White: We played that game yesterday. Plus, it’s like, six in the morning…

Black: Yeah…

Navi: The Great Deku Tree called you, and if you don’t get up, I’m going to body slam you.

Black: How much do you weigh, like, a fourth of a gram?

Yellow: Actually, grams are a measurement of mass!

Black: Nobody cares, yellow… snores

Navi: Okay, fine- if you don’t get up, I’m not going to stop talking. I’ll just keep on talking forever, and ever, about nothing worthwhile but I’ll still be talking, and you’ll never sleep, and when…

White: Fine! Sheesh! I’m up.

Black: All right, whatever, let’s go see the ol’ Deku Tree…

Yellow: Hey, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

White: No, what?

Navi: Hurry up! flies out the door

White: Tell us later. We gotta go.
Navi: Okay, so the Deku Tree is that way, so we should-

White: Crap, it’s that lunatic Saria again…

Black: No biggie. Distract her, and I’ll go take a rock, go behind her, and-

Saria: YAHOO! Hi, guys!

Black: …Too late.

Everyone climbs down the ladder to the ground

Saria: YAHOO!

Black: Stop saying yahoo!

White: And get out of our way, we have to go see the Deku Tree.

Saria: The… the… the Deku Tree?

Yellow: Yup!

Saria: YAHOO!

Black: Shut up!

Saria: Wait! I have to tell you something!

White: What?

Saria: …YIPPEE!

White: Bye.

Navi: What a weirdo… Hey, who’s that kid blocking the way?
Mido stands in front of the entrance to the Deku Tree. As the three Links try to get around him, he moves and blocks their way.

Black: Okay, no biggie. Distract him, and I’ll go take a rock, get behind him, and-

Mido: STOP!

Black: …Too late.

White: Mido, I know you enjoy being an ass, but we have to go see the Deku Tree.

Mido: WHAT? Deku Tree call YOU not ME? How this HAPPEN?

White: I don’t know, stop yelling.

Mido: You no PASS if no have SWORD and SHIELD!

White: How come?

Mido: Too DANGEROUS without SWORD and SHIELD. Big scary MONSTERS and STUFF!

Navi: What kind of monsters?

Mido: Big PLANTS that SPIN around much!

Navi: …Screw you.

The four go up to the nearby shop.

Kokiri Girl: Hey! Talk to me!

White: Uh, sure. Hi, how’s it going?

Kokiri Girl: Isn’t that awesome? You’re talking to me!

White: Yeah, that’s just great.

Yellow: Whatcha doing up there, anyways?

Kokiri Girl: I climbed up here with a ladder, and now I can’t get down, so I amuse myself by making people talk to me.

White: Well, okay then…

Kokiri Girl: Hey, any chance you could throw some food up here? Like a hot dog? Or maybe even a potato? …Man, no one ever listens to me…

The four enter the shop

Yellow: Hi, we’d like to buy three swords and three shields.

Storeowner: That will be *falls down, jumps up again* impossible, because *falls down, jumps up again* this store sells shields *falls down, jumps up again* but not swords!

Yellow: Oh, poo. How much do the shields cost?

Storeowner: 40 Rupees *falls down, jumps up again* each!

White: Okay, I have enough. * pays storeowner * But come on, you seriously don’t sell swords?

Storeowner: Nope! * falls down*

White: What’s in that room behind you that’s labeled “the room that sells stuff that’s actually useful”?

Storeowner: * jumps up again* Nothing! *falls down *

Black: Okay, distract him, and I’ll take a rock and…

Navi: Shut up, Black! Listen, storeowner, you better open that door or… something bad will happen.

Storeowner: Nope! *falls down*

Navi: *sighs*Okay, fine, Black, we’ll distract him. Hurry up.

Storeowner: Wait, you’re *falls down, jumps up again* seriously going to do that?

Navi: I don’t know, you wanna wait and find out?

Storeowner: Fine! * falls down, opens door behind him * We have bazookas for 5,000 Rupees, bottle of Advil for 4,200 Rupees, a hot dog for 3 Rupees, a sword for 300 Rupees, an industrial-strength condom for…

White: The swords! We’ll take three! Here’s 900 Rupees.

Storeowner: *jumps up again* All right, wait here, and *falls down, jumps up again*I’ll go get it for you. *falls down, goes to the backroom *

Yellow: Hey, guys, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Navi: What?

Storeowner: Here are the swords.

White: Awesome! Thanks!

Everyone leaves, except for Black

Black: So when you say “industrial strength”, you mean like…

White: Black! Hurry up!

Black: Coming! leaves


White: Okay, guys, let’s go see what the Deku Tree wants, now that we have-

Mido: STOP! No PASS if no have SWORD and SHIELD! Too DANGEROUS because MONSTERS and STUFF!

White: Yeah, we’re all armed. Wanna let us-

Mido: WHAT? HOW that HAPPEN? I tell guy not to OPEN secret ROOM with SWORDS but he OPEN it!

White: That’s great. Now move it.

Mido: STOP! No PASS if no have INDUSTRIAL strength CONDOM!

Black: Mido, you’re seriously asking for a sword up the ass.

Mido: Okay, FINE. moves out of the way

White: Thank god.

Yellow: Hey, guys, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

White: No, what?

Yellow: D-

Deku Baba: Roar.

Yellow: WOAH!

Navi: It’s a Deku Baba! Slash it with your sword and you’ll get a stick!

Black: What?

Navi: …Just kill it.

Black: pokes Deku Baba with the point of the sword

Deku Baba: Yoiks! dies

Black: Oh cool, a Deku Stick… so, how is this different than a normal stick?

Navi: It burns!

Black: So… how is it different than a normal stick?

Navi: You can burn it.

Black: Right, but how is it-

Deku Baba: I’m baaaack!

Black: pokes Deku Baba with the point of the sword

Deku Baba: Yoiks! dies

Black: Okay, forget about it. Let’s move on.

The four arrive at the Deku Tree’s garden.

Deku Tree: Holy guacamole… I’m seeing triple…

Navi: What?

Deku Tree: There’s like, three little kids, with swords, and they’re like wearing different colored clothes… hooh hooh… I’m sooooo wasted…

Navi: You smoked pot again, didn’t you.

Deku Tree: Well maybe I did and maybe I did.

Navi: Deku Tree, these are the three kids you wanted to see you.

Deku Tree: Oh ho ho, right! Yeah, I have a… duh… story to… uh… tell you, okay?

Yellow: All right, story time!

Deku Tree: Okay… so like, two men walk into a bar… actually, one of the men is a tree… so like… a man and a tree walk into a bar… and like, the man says “Yo, homie, gimme your Kokiri Emerald or I’ll whoop yo ass.” And the tree’s all like, “Don’t get all up in my face, girlfriend.” And then like… yeah.

White: …Huh?

Yellow: That story sucked. Tell the one about those three little pigs and the wolfos!

Deku Tree: I don’t know that one… uh… anyways, the moral of the story is that you need to go inside me and break a curse, so you can save the world, okay?

White: What does saving you have to do with saving the world?

Navi: Yeah, what if we just let you die?

Deku Tree: Well, there’s a slingshot in me that you can have.

White: Why would we want a slingshot?

Deku Tree: So you can like… uh… kill spiders.

White: We can always buy a slingshot somewhere else.

Black: Or, like, an Uzi.

Deku Tree: Yeah, but this one’s a Fairy Slingshot… which means like… it’s made out of, uh, the blood and flesh of fairies…

Navi: You murderer!

Black: I don’t care about slingshots anyways. Give us a better deal.

Deku Tree: I’ll… uh… give you some weed if you save me… oh… and this shiny stone. takes out the Kokiri Emerald

Yellow: Woah, a shiny stone! Guys, come on, we have to go break the curse!

White: Okay, fine, whatever. Let’s go.

Deku Tree: opens mouth

White: Wait, we have to go inside you?

Deku Tree: Yeah.

White: …When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

Deku Tree: I don’t have teeth.

White: Sounds good.
I'll post the rest in a bit, this post is getting long. I think it's hilarious, what do you guys think?
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Old 05-31-2007, 06:22 PM
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Default Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

No comments? ;_; Well, here's some more:


White: So this is what the Deku Tree looks like inside… Pretty crapped up, if you ask me.

Yellow: Yeah, seriously… There’s like, these patches of leaves everywhere, too.

Deku Scrub: Ya-ha!

Navi: It’s a Deku Scrub! Deflect its nuts!

Black: …Excuse me?

Navi: I said, deflect its nuts!

Black: I’m not doing anything to anyone’s nuts, thank you very much.

Deku Scrub: Ptooey! *spits out deku nut, which hits Black in the face*

Black: Oh, no you didn’t! *brings out sword and lunges towards Deku Scrub*

Deku Scrub: See ya! *hides*

Black: Come back here, you coward!

Navi: Okay, so here’s an idea- STOP questioning my authority, and DEFLECT ITS FREAKING NUTS.

Black: *backs away, blocks Deku Scrub’s attack with shield*

Deku Scrub: *gets hit in the face with the Deku Nut * Oh, what a world, what a world! *dies*

White: …Okay, guys, let’s move on.

Navi: HEY!

White: …What?

Navi: You can see through the spider web below you.

White: Gee, thanks. So, let’s go climb up those ladders, okay? Maybe we can find-

Navi: HEY!

White: Now what?

Navi: You can climb up those ladders!

White: Hey, I never thought of that before! Thanks!

Navi: See? I can be useful.

White: …Idiot.

The four proceed until they come across another Deku Scrub

Deku Scrub: Ya-ha! *shoots a nut*

Black: *deflects the nut*

Deku Scrub:* runs around like a nutcase*

Black: *kicks Deku Scrub in the nuts*

Deku Scrub: OH, the PAIN! YAAAARGH!

Navi: You could have just killed him, you sadist.

Black: It’s more fun to keep them alive.

Deku Scrub: Please… don’t do that again… I’ll tell you a verrrrrry valllluable seeeeecret!

Black: Make it worth your life. *takes out sword*

Deku Scrub: Yikes! If… if you fall of a cliff… and roll when you land… you won’t die!

Black: Right, but you will. *kills Deku Scrub*

Navi: Black! That was completely unnecessary!

Black: Well, it was fun.

White: We’re going to let Yellow do the fighting from now on, all right?

Black: …Whatever.

The four come across a large chest.

Yellow: Oh, what earthen treasures doth this chest contain?

White: I wonder what’s inside?

Yellow: I just SAID that. * Opens chest * A Fairy Slingshot!

Navi: WAAAAAH! *sobs*

Yellow: …What did I say?

Navi: Nothing… But the slingshot… it really is made out of fairies… that handle is made out of my uncle Jimmy! WAAAAH!

Yellow: Oh. Well, that sucks…

Navi: And the left stem was my sister’s boyfriend! WAAAAH!

Yellow: *quickly hides the slingshot *

Navi: Okay… I’m over it now, I guess… How do we get out of here?

White: Hey, Yellow, use the slingshot and knock down that ladder over there.

Yellow: * shoots the ladder, ladder falls *

Navi: Wow, I guess my uncle Jimmy finally did something useful.

The four proceed to the very top of the Deku Tree, and encounter a Big Skullwaltula

Big Skullwalltula:: Oooh! Oooh! Oooooooh! Lookit me! Lookit me, guys! I’m INVINCIBLE! You can’t touch me! Nyaaaaa!

Black: *whacks Big Skullwalltula with sword *

Big Skullwalltula:: *swings back and forth* Oooh! Oooh! Can’t touch this! Oooh!

Black: This thing is pissing me off.

Navi: You guys, it’s backside is vulnerable.

Yellow: Oh, really? …Hey, Big Skullwalltula, you know what would really be insulting for us?

Big Skullwalltula:: …What?

Yellow: If you mooned us.

Big Skullwalltula:: Haha! Good idea! *turns around* I’m mooooooning you! I’m moony moony moooooning you! Nyaaa!

Yellow: *stabs Big Skullwalltula with sword*

Big Skullwalltula:: *dies*

Yellow: Okay, what now? It’s a dead end.

White: That spider web is right below us, though…

Navi: Jump!

White: Excuse me?

Navi: One of you should jump down to the spider web and break it.

White: …Okay, guys, let’s go home.

Navi: What? It could work… Who wants to volunteer?

White: Um…

Black: Er…

Yellow: I’ll do it!

White: Isn’t there a better way to do it than to kill of Yellow?

Navi: Nope. Now, Yellow, make sure you aim for the center of the web, and try to maintain a straight body position, and land feet first with your toes pointed and make sure your aerodynamical figures are at a constant…

Yellow: Cowabunga! * jumps off*

Navi: …Crap.

Navi: Hah! I told you! He broke the web and landed in the water.

White: Well, whaddya know… I’ll go next! *jumps off*

Black: All right then, let’s go, Navi. *both jump off*

All four land in the pool below the first floor, and get onto shore. A faint, green gas fills the room.

Black: Wait… I know that smell! It’s weed! *pulls tunic over mouth and nose* Guys, quick, pull your shirt over your face like this, or you’re going to get-

White: I’m seeing purrrrrrrple! Woaaaaah!

Yellow: Heh heh, checkkkk it out, duuuuuude… when I wave both of my hands like thisssss it looks like I have two hands!

White: Niiiiiiiiiice…

Black: …Too late.

Navi: Great, all that weed the Deku Tree has been smoking must have floated down here, and now those two got high!

Black: Yeah, we’re pretty screwed… Hey, how come you’re not affected?

Navi: Does it look like I have nostrils?

Black: Well, it doesn’t look like you have a mouth either, but we all know you have a really big one.

Navi: …That was cold.

White: Hi, there, widdle Deku Baba! What’s your name, cutie-pie?

Black: Get away from that thing! *shoves White out of the way*

Deku Baba: Roar!

Black: *pokes Deku Baba with point of sword

Deku Baba: Yoiks! *dies*

White: Heh heh… it said, “Yoiks”…

Black: This is going to become tough.

The four manage to get to a room with a Deku Scrub.

Yellow: Hey, guys… duhh… y’know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

White: Ah heh heh heh… duhhhh… I dunno…

Yellow: It’s… uh… D-

Deku Scrub:: Ya-ha! *shoots nut*

Yellow: Woah… I’m hallucinating…

Black: deflects nut


Black: Calm down, I just-

Deku Scrub:: I know what you did to my brother up there!

Black: Oh… heh… actually, I was just-

Deku Scrub:: 23 is number 1! *hides*

Black: …the hell?

Yellow: Heh, and 43 is, uh, number 9!

White: Yeah, and… uh… 89 is number 2!

Black: God…

The four finally get to the room before the boss room, which is locked. The other three have finally become normal again.

White: Man, my head hurts.

Yellow: That was pretty cool! Can we go back there and get high aga-

Black: NO! Now let’s kill these three Deku Scrubs.


White: …We know.

Navi: You’re welcome.

Black: Wait… 23 is number one… Hm…

Black deflects the Deku Scrubs’ nuts in the right order.

Deku Scrub:: How did you know our secret?

Yellow: A little bird told us.

Deku Scrub:: I’ll have to tell you a big secret that you can use to defeat the big monster behind this door!

White: Cool, what is it?

Deku Scrub:: When you kill her, she will die! *hides*

White: …At least the door’s unlocked.

The four enter the boss room, and a large door stops them from going back.

White: Great… So where’s the big scary monster?

Yellow: I don’t know. But hey, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Black: No, what?

Gohma: *drops from the ceiling* RAGABLARGH!

Yellow: Wrong answer! *shoots Gohma with slingshot*


Black: *stabs it in the eye*


Yellow: Could you stop yelling for like, one second?

Gohma: BLARGH! *releases several Gohma Larvae*

Gohma Larvae: We are fearsome!

White: *slaughters Larvae*

Yellow: *shoots Gohma in the eye with slingshot

Navi: Quick! Shoot it in the eye with your slingshot, and then hit it with your sword!

Black: Just shut up, will ya? *stabs Gohma in the eye*


Black: Shut up!

Gohma: Sorry, it’s just that you caused me a lot of pain, and it’s necessary that I vent it in the form of yelling before I die. *dies*

A blue light and a Heart Container appears.

Yellow: All right, a heart! And a big one! *opens container, takes out heart, divides it in three, gives one to each Link*

Navi: Um… why is there blood pouring out of it?

Yellow: Because it’s a heart. Why else?

Navi: A REAL heart?

Yellow: Well, of course.

Navi: *gags*

White:*finishes eating heart, wipes blood off of mouth* Alright, let’s go, guys.

The four enter the blue light.

Yellow: Heh, you know what rhymes with “heart”?

Navi: No, what?

Yellow: Far…

The light warps them away.

Deku Tree: Woah… I’m hallucinating… It looks like those kids are, like, floating down in a blue light… huh huh…

White: We DID.

Deku Tree: Oh, heh, you’re back… cool.

Yellow: And we killed the spider that was inside you, too!

Deku Tree: Holy crap, there was a spider inside me?

Yellow: Um, yeah… the really big one? You never noticed?

Deku Tree: Ah heh heh… I remember now… I inhaled this huge spider egg along with my weed by accident. Oh well, whatever.

White: Hold on a second. If you didn’t know about the spider, what did you send us in there for?

Deku Tree: Wild goose chase, really… it’s not like you could have broken the curse anyways… Plus, Navi was being annoying what with her, like, telling me not to smoke weed…

Navi: You sent us in there and made us risk our lives so you could get high again?

Deku Tree: Yeah, I might as well get high before I die… Hey, huh huh, I’m a poet and I didn’t even-

White: Whaaat? You’re still going to die, even after we killed that big spider and everything?

Deku Tree: Yeah, sorry. That Ganondorf dude’s curse was pretty powerful- HEY! LOOK OUT! IT’S GANONDORF!

Black: Yaa! *turns around, draws sword*

Deku Tree: Oh… heh… just another hallucination… speaking of which, why do you guys have purple wings and horns?

Black: …Idiot.

Deku Tree: Oh… and here’s, uh, the shiny stone I promised you guys… *gives the Links the Kokiri Emerald*

Yellow: Kick ass!

Deku Tree: Oh, and one last thing before I, like die… I got another story.

White: I hope this one makes sense…

Deku Tree: Okay, so there’s like, a blonde, a brunnete, and… uh, a redhead, all right? And one day, they’re really bored, so… duh… they decide to, uh, create a new world. So the redhead, like, makes the earth, and the brunnete, like, makes the sky and everything, and the blonde makes the, um, living things. And then they make these three triangles that are, uh, well, super powerful. But then everyone …duh… kills each other to try to get the triangles, which is stupid. And that’s, like, funny, because blondes are stupid.

Yellow: …Hey, I’m a blonde!

Deku Tree: Yeah… I know… Anyways, the moral of the story is you gotta go meet some rich chick in a castle and then save the world.

Yellow: Boooooring! Tell the one about Goron-locks and the three Keese.

Deku Tree: I don’t know that one… anyways… I’m gonna die now… so, like see ya…

Black: Bye.

Deku Tree: Oh, yeah, and don’t forget to *shrivels up and dies*

Navi: Finally! I thought I was going to have to kill him myself. …Stupid pothead.

The four try to leave the garden area, but Mido blocks their way.

White: Hey, Mido, we gotta go, so if you could be so kind as to-

Mido: WHAT you DO to DEKU TREE?

White: Nothing! See, this evil man came and…

Mido: You KILL the DEKU TREE?

White: No! This evil man named Ganondorf…

Mido: I go tell EVERYONE that you KILL DEKU TREE! *leaves to his house*

White: Sheesh. All right guys, let’s get a move on-

Mido: *climbs on the top of his house with a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE! WHITE, BLACK, AND YELLOW KILLED DEKU TREE!

Kokiri Boy: …The Deku Tree? Whassat?


Kokiri Girl: What, that stupid old tree in that garden over there? It’s about time it died.

Kokiri Boy: Heh, I didn’t know that rotting plant even had a name!


Kokiri Girl: So now that the old tree’s gone, I was thinking we could uproot him, or burn him, or something, and make a nice flower garden.

Kokiri Boy: I was thinking more of a fruit orchard, or vegetable garden. Food is always a nice thing to have!


Kokiri Girl: Daisies, sunflowers, petunias, roses, tulips…

Kokiri Boy: Apples, oranges, carrots, onions, blackberries, plums…


Kokiri Boy: For the love of god, will someone shut that lunatic up?

Yellow: Will do. *shoots Mido with slingshot*

Mido: TREE KILLERS! TREE KI- *gets hit by seed* AY! *falls of house*

Kokiri Girl: Thanks. So, are you guys the ones that killed the tree?

White: We didn’t really kill him, someone else did that for us.

Kokiri Girl: Oh, whatever. We should have a party!

White: We’d love to, but we have to go to Hyrule Castle and save the world and stuff.

Navi: Yeah, sorry, it’s pretty urgent.

Kokiri Boy: Oh… That’s okay. Well, good luck then.

The four head out the exit from the Kokiri Forest.

Kokiri Boy: Good luck!

Kokiri Girl: Be careful!

Mido: TREE KILLERS! TREE KILLERS! TREE… Hey! What you do? What you do with that rock? You the boy who I tell to pick up rocks in front my house! Why you raise rock over head? Hey! What you- OW! WHAT YOU HIT ME FOR? DON’T HIT… OW! THAT HURT BAD! STOP THAT… OUCH!
Come on, there's got to be some Zelda fans here! With a sense of humor...If there aren't any comments in the next few days, I'll just stop posting and wasting my time. ._.
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Old 05-31-2007, 07:38 PM
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Default Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

Now you have to keep wasting your time. xD

It's hilarious. There's no other way to put it. I've always wondered why nothing happened when the fat, annoying kid was like, "OMG U KILLED TEH TREE IM GONNA GO TEL EVERY1!!!!!"
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:06 PM
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Default Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

Originally Posted by Larvinator View Post
Now you have to keep wasting your time. xD

It's hilarious. There's no other way to put it. I've always wondered why nothing happened when the fat, annoying kid was like, "OMG U KILLED TEH TREE IM GONNA GO TEL EVERY1!!!!!"
Glad to know I'm not the only one. ^^ I'll keep posting it for you. :D
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

Noez! Keep wasting your time. 'Tis funny. I've never played the game, and yet I think it's funny. ^^

So, um, post more! Sometime... When you want to... XP

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Old 06-01-2007, 12:35 AM
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Default Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody

Lol, glad to know the writing itself is funny. Although, there are a lot of inside jokes coming up that you have to play the game to really understand. They're still funny on their own, though, because you're like "WTF is that supposed to mean? HA!"

Okay, updating.


White: So, our next destination is to find the rich chick the Deku Tree was talking about, I guess.

Yellow: Yeah. …Say, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

White: What?

Saria: YAHOO!

White: CRAP!

Saria: Hi, guys! I heard you guys are leaving to go save the world!

White: That’s right, and it’s very important, so if you could just… maybe run a few yards… off of this bridge…

Saria: Tee hee hee! But then I’d fall and break my ankle, silly!

White: …I know…

Saria: I have a gift for you!

Yellow: YAAA! Everyone duck and cover!

Saria: It’s a Fairy Ocarina!

Yellow: …Phew.

Navi: What is with you people? Can’t you make anything without sacrificing the lives of poor, innocent little fairies?

Saria: Hurr?

White: Just ignore her. Thanks for the ocarina, Saria. Now, we gotta-

Saria: When you play it, you’ll think of me, right?

White: …Not really. Now, we gotta-

Saria: We’ll be friends forever, right?

Black: Since when were we friends?

White: We really gotta-

Saria: You’ll still come back to the forest to visit us, right?

White: SARIA! We gotta-

Saria: If the Deku Tree died in the forest, but no one was around to hear it, you didn’t kill him, right?

White: ARGH!

Yellow: On the count of three, head for the hills… one, two, three!

*All four run away and completely exit the Kokiri Forest*

Saria: Wait! Come back! I haven’t finished my heartbreaking, tearjerking monologue yet! …Great, now I’ll never win an Emmy.


White: …Finally! Well, at least maybe this ocarina will come in handy.

Yellow: Okay, seriously, guys, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Navi: What?

Kaepora Gaebora:: Hoot!

Yellow: Wrong answer! *shoots Kaepora Gaebora with slingshot*

Kaepora Gaebora:: Ouch! Why did you do that?

Yellow: Shoot, sorry! I thought you were Gohma for a second…

Kaepora Gaebora: It’s all right. Anyways, my name is Kaepora Gaebora the owl. I’m here to help you guys out with your quest, all right? Let me give you some words of advice.

White: Sounds good! What advice do you have?

Kaepora Gaebora: *clears throat* Are you tired of your drudgy, everyday life? Do you need a BREAK? Then, visit the fabulous, amazing, and awe-inspiring HYRULE CASTLE TOWN! We have stores, angry mobs, a big fountain, wild dogs and chickens that roam the streets, dangerous back allies with bald men with facial hair, fat women and skinny men, and lots and lots of breakable pots! You could also try visiting the Caslte to see the beeeee-yoootiful Princess Zelda! Of course, if you even try to get near her, the heavily armed guards will throw you out… But give it a try anyways! Come one, come all, to the faaaaabulous Hyrule Castle town! Located directly east of the Kokiri Forest! (Admission fee is only 400 Rupees.)

Black: …Um…

White: …Er…

Navi: …Uh…

Yellow: …Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Can you repeat that?

Kaepora Gaebora: Sure thing! *clears throat*

White: Yellow! What’s wrong with you?

Kaepora Gaebora: Are you tired of your drudgy, everyday life? Do you need…

Yellow: Oops, sorry about that… here! *shoots Kaepora Gaebora with slingshot*

Kaepora Gaebora: *gets hit by slingshot* Hoot! *flies off*

White: Man, that was torture. At least now we know where the Princess is. Let’s go!

Yellow: Heh, know what rhymes with Kaepora Gaebora?

Navi: Um…Nothing.

Yellow: Dang, how’d you know that one already?

As the four begin to cross Hyrule Field, the sun sets and it becomes nighttime.

Yellow: Hey! Who turned off the lights?

Navi: It’s nighttime, moron.

Yellow: Oh…

Stalchild: *comes out of the ground*Please… Please, kind travelers… If you could spare any money, I am poor and I need to feed my family…

Black: OH MY GOD A BIG MONSTER! *hacks Stalchild to pieces*

Stalchild: *several more come out of the ground* Please, have mercy… We only wish for a Rupee or two… We haven’t eaten for days…


Big Stalchild: *comes out of the ground* Please, sir, stop killing my friends, they are simple beggars and only wish for some money in order to not starve to death… If you have any kindness in your heart, you will…

Black: YAAAAAAAAA! *jump attacks and splits the Big Stalchild’s head in two*

Big Stalchild: You soul-less son of a *dies*

The four make it to Hyrule Castle just as the sun rises and the drawbridge comes down.

White: Wow, the Hyrule Castle town! Kaepora whats-his-face was right- there are a lot of fat women here.

Fat woman: Hey! If I weren’t so out of shape, I’d run over there and snap that skinny little neck of yers!

White: …Okay, so you guys wanna just go straight to the castle?

Yellow: Yeah, sounds good.

The four go to the castle area.

Kaepora Gaebora: Hmm, hello there.

White: Oh, great… um… hi, Kaepora…

Kaepora Gaebora: The castle is that way.

White: Cool.

Kaepora Gaebora: Now isn’t that a grrrreat castle? Beautiful, clear gray stone that gives a beautiful touch on an overall magestic and magnificent design! The king knew he had to have nothing but the best build his castle, so who did he call? …The Kakariko Carpenters! These four lazy slobs will work hard as long you keep their cash flow steady and high! Most of the time they’ll run around with wooden beams doing nothing, but they look pretty hunky when they do! Isn’t that reason enough? If you want a new home, and you’re willing to wait seven years for it to actually get done, call the Kakariko Carpenters!

*begins to sing jingle*
Kakariko Carpenters is our name,
Pretending that we’re working is our game!
We’ll build your house relatively fast,
As long as you give us lots of cash!

Black: Bravo. Now shoo.

Kaepora Gaebora: If you call now, you’ll get a -5% discount!

White: No! Now go away..

Kaepora Gaebora: Come on, guys, I work on commission here…

Yellow: You wanna get hit with a slingshot again?

Kaepora Gaebora: You guys are mean! *flies away*

Navi: Anyways, we’re going to have to climb up those vines and sneak into the castle.

White: Hey, who’s that girl?

Malon: My name is Malon.

White: Hi, Malon. How’s it goi-

Malon: My @#$%ing father fell asleep in the @#$%ing castle, AGAIN!

Black: Woah, maybe you should calm down there…

Malon: It’s so @#$%ing annoying! He’s such a @#$%!

Navi: Um, can we help? We’re going to sneak into the castle anyways…

Malon: Whatever. Here. Take this @#$%ing egg. *gives the Links an egg*

White: Um, what should we do with this?

Malon: How the @#$% should I know? Figure it out.

White: Okay.

The four climb up the vine, onto the higher platform.

Black: She was pretty cute, huh?

White: Yeah…

Yellow: We’re not helping her.

White: …What? Why not?

Yellow: Think about it. What rhymes with Malon?

White: What is with you and your rhyming jokes-

Yellow: FELON, okay? Felon rhymes with Malon.

Black: Not really, there’s an A in one and an E in the other…

Yellow: It’s close enough! She’s probably a criminal, or a terrorist, and she probably wants to assassinate the king, and she’s just using us. And this egg is probably a bomb!

Navi: Or, y’know, it could possibly be an EGG.

Yellow: Why are you sticking up for them? You’re a girl!

Navi: So? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. We might as well help her out.

Yellow: She curses like a sailor!

Black: She curses better than a sailor. Plus, she’s cute.

Yellow: If Ganondorf was cute, would you help him rule the world?

Black: Depends. How cute is he?

Yellow: …Forget it. Let’s just keep this egg right here, out of harm’s way, and…

White: *takes the egg from Yellow* I’m keeping that. Let’s just continue, shall we?

Yellow: You’re going to regret it…

The four begin to walk down the path.

Guard: Halt! Stop where you are!

Yellow: Oh, no we got caught! Quick, everyone put on cute, innocent little children faces!

*The three Links put on cute, innocent little children faces*

Guard: You’re gonna get a ass-whoopin now! I’ma whoop yo ass, then I’ma beat yo ass, then I’ma kick yo ass, then I’ma throw you in jail and shove the key up yo-

Guard 2: Awww, they’re just little children.

Guard: Awww, they’re so cute! We can’t beat them up.

Guard 2: Now, you children, listen up. You do this one more time, you’re going to get a time-out, okay?

Black: Big whoop.

Yellow: *whispers* Black! Stay in character!

White: We’re sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won’t do it again, I promise.

Guard: It’s okay, little guy. Now let’s go.

*The four get escorted outside the castle gates.*

Malon: What, are you guys so @#$%ing stupid that you can’t even @#$%ing get past the @#$%ing guards?

Yellow: Shut up, you convict! *quickly climbs the vines*

White: Just ignore him. We’ll find your dad as soon as we-

Malon: Just hurry the @#$% up, okay?

White: …Yes ma’am.

The four try again, and get to the moat.

Yellow: All right, we did it! We got past the guards unnoticed!

White: Yeah! If we can just continue without attracting attention…


Guard: Hey hey hey! Who just said that?

White: You idiot! …Cute faces, everyone.

Guard: Oh, you are such naughty little children! You’re getting a time-out, and next time you’re going to have to get a spanking if you don’t behave!

Black: That’s just wonderful…

The four get escorted out the gate.

Guard: Now remember, you children have to go straight home so your parents can take care of you, okay?

White: Yeah, whatever.

Guard 2: Awwww, they’re just so adorable! *leaves*

Malon: I swear to @#$%ing god you guys are useless.

Yellow: Hey! One more word out of you and I’ll have the police on your ass before you can say “@#$%”! *quickly climbs the vines*

White: Sorry about him… This time, Navi, you keep your mouth shut.

Navi: Well sorry, but it WAS the miracle of life, you know.

Black: And if you start yelling again, you’re not going to enjoy the miracle of your life for long, got it?

Navi: *pouts*

The four finally make it back to the side of the moat without being caught.

White: Finally! Okay, so now we have to figure out how to actually get into the castle, and… hey, who’s that fatty?

Yellow: Oh, that must be that felon’s dad.

White: She’s not a felon! …So, how do we wake him up?

Yellow: I don’t know, but let’s dip his hand in a cup of water so he-

White: No. Say, what about that chicken that hatched from the egg? *takes out chicken*

Chicken: Eh? What the @#$% do you want?

White: Uh, hi there, we were just wondering if-

Chicken: Well, hurry the @#$% up, I’m tired.

White: Could you wake that fat guy up for us, please?

Chicken: Well how the @#$% do you expect me to do that? I guess I’ll try, but before we do that, let’s dip his hand in a cup of water so he-

White: No!

Chicken: …@#$%ing spoilsport. *crows*

Talon: Eh? What in @#$%ing tarnation’s going on?

Chicken: Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Talon: Oh, great, that little @#$% of a daughter told you guys to wake me up, didn’t she?

White: Uh, yeah, Malon said-

Talon: She can’t just @#$%ing leave me alone, can she? Harumph! *leaves*

Chicken: If that’s done, then I’m getting the @#$% out of here. *leaves*

Navi: Why is everyone so explicit around here?

Black: I have no @#$%ing idea.

Navi: …Please don’t.

White: Okay, guys, let’s push those crates he left behind and enter the castle through that little entrance over there.

*The four push the crates into position, and enter the castle.*

Yellow: Heh, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Black: No, what?

Navi: Guys! There are guards up ahead. They’re walking around bushes. How should we get past them?

White: I think we should spend a little time memorizing the movement patterns of the guards, and combine those with the areas where there are bushes that we can hide behind. We can then make a blueprint, and calculate our subsequent course of action.

Black: I think we should just go kamikaze and run through like a maniac.

Yellow: …I don’t know what “subsequent” means, so let’s go with Black’s plan!

White: …Great.

*The four quickly run past some of the guards, but get caught by one of the guards midway.*

White: Innocent children faces, guys.

Guard: Hey! You kids can’t be here! I’m going to have to arrest you and…

White: We’re sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won’t-

Guard: Shaddup! I see those swords you guys have! You’re going to assassinate the king, aren’t you?

Yellow: No, sir, we’re just cute, rosy-cheeked little kids!

Guard: Shaddup! Put your hands behind your back.

White: But-

Guard: Shaddup!

Black: *whacks the guard on the head with the dull side of the sword*

Guard: Oof! *falls to the ground, unconscious*

Guard 2: What’s all the ruckus over there?

White: Thanks, Black. Come on, let’s hurry up!

*The four make it to a courtyard, where the Princess Zelda is.*

White: Hello, Princess. My name is White, and these are my friends…

Zelda: Oh… you’re, like, the boys that the security guards were, like, telling me about, aren’t you?

White: …The security guards were talking about us?

Zelda: Yeah, like, you knocked out some guard and, like, everyone thinks your assassins or kidnappers. They told me to, like, hide, but I didn’t, like, think you’d find me here, y’know?

White: Heh, don’t worry. We’re not-

Zelda: So if you’re going to, like, rape me, let’s get it over with, okay? *takes off shirt*

White: WOAH! Zelda, we’re NOT criminals, okay? The Deku Tree sent us here to meet you!

Zelda: Oh! I, like, totally knew that. So, come over here, okay?

White: Alright.

Zelda: You see that, like, creepy green dude? His name is Ganondorf. He’s like, a total suck-up to my dad, who’s like the King or whatever. Everyone thinks he’s, like, totally cool, but I know what he really wants.

Yellow: Love?

Zelda: No, he wants to rule the world. See, like, there’s this Triforce thingamajigger, and to get it, you have to get these three spiritual stones, and like, the Ocarina of Time, which is a royal family heirloom or whatever. Then you go to, like, the Temple of Time and do something or the other and, like, become all-powerful.

Black: Heh, she still hasn’t realized she’s not wearing a shirt…

White: So Ganondorf is trying to get the Ocarina of Time from your father. What should we do?

Zelda: You should, like, get the other stones. I know you got one from that Tree or whatever, so like, go to the Gorons and the Zoras and get the others, okay?

White: Sounds like a challenge, but we’ll do it.

Zelda: Oh, and I should teach you this song. It’s this lullaby, that, like, my parents sang to me when I was, like, little, y’know? It goes like this: *plays Zelda’s Lullaby on Ocarina* Did you like it?

White: *snores*

Yellow: *snores*

Black: *snores*

Navi: Wake up, you morons!

White: …Huh? Oh, right. Great lullaby. Really effective. *yawns*

Zelda: Yeah, whatever. Go save the world, okay? I gotta go to my ninja class.

Yellow: Huh? Ninja class? Why are you in a ninja class?

Zelda: Just in case I ever need to disguise myself in, like, a tight blue outfit and, like, perform gravity-defying stunts to conceal my identity.

Black: …Right.

Impa: Hey, guys, I’m going to escort you out the castle. And princess, you forgot to put your shirt back on again.

Zelda: Not again! *puts shirt on*

White: How often does that happen?

Impa: At least once a week.

Impa escorts them outside the castle gates

Impa: Good luck, you guys. We’re counting on you. *leaves*

Navi: Say, before we go to the Gorons’ place, why don’t we go find Saria again?

Black: Do you want me to list all four hundred reasons that come to mind, or a summarized version?

Navi: We might as well. I’m a little homesick, aren’t you guys?

White: Okay, fine. Let’s go.

*The four begin to leave the castle area

Talon: …and maybe if you actually @#$%ing helped out around the ranch, I wouldn’t be working my @#$%ing @#$% off and I wouldn’t be falling asleep!

Malon: I am @#$%ing working! Why don’t you get that lazy @#$%, Ingo, to do something?

Talon: He’s doing twice as much work as you, you ungrateful little @#$%! And the only “work” you do is “@#$%ing around with those @#$%ing horses of yours!

Yellow: There’s no happier sight than a joyfully reunited father and daughter.

Malon: @#$% you!

White: …Amen.
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