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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-29-2007, 10:38 PM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default A Lonely Fate [One-Shot]

Something I wrote up after playing Pearl. It’s been bugging me for awhile because I’ve always wondered how these pokemon felt. Not that it won’t change anything but the writer in me just had to write it.

Be warned that it’s not my best work, just something I had to write. Maybe I'll rewrite it someday...

Infernape “Roxas”, Chatot “Cherap”, and Geodude are actual pokemon I have in my game by the way. XD

Pokemon belongs to Gamefreak

A Lonely Fate


“Hold on there, Cherap! Just a little longer!”

The Chatot nodded from her temporary roost on top a boulder, eyeing the Medicham below warily. I could here her hard breathing as she tried to recover from the Drain Punch she took yet determination still shone clearly in her eyes.

‘Lucky bird.’, I bitterly thought.

‘Even when you’re losing you’re winning compared to me.’

The fighting pokemon leaped up high with a leg outstretched on its trainer’s command.

“Cherap, fly now!”

Stretching her ebony wings, Cherap dodged the Hi Jump Kick at the nick of time, exactly as both her and Mistress planned. Their timing was exact, not a mistake to be seen. They both worked in sync as though they could read each other’s mind, knowing what the other was about to do or say. I simply envied that bond. knowing that I would never be a part of one as strong. The Medicham was hit with recoiled from the missed attack, given Cherap the perfect opportunity.

“Cherap,”, Mistress commanded, her eyes twinkling at the idea of the final blow.

“use Hyper Voice!”

A high pitched screech was issued multiple times which caused the foe to become extremely disoriented and fall out cold on the ground.

“Medicham!”, the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.

Pulling out a poke ball, the fallen pokemon disappeared in a flash of light.

“If you think that was easy, get a load of my next pokemon!”

Replacing the current poke ball with another on his belt, he released the pokemon with a confident smile. In all its glory stood a Rosearade whose grin matched its master’s.

“Cherap, would you like to see the battle?”, Mistress turned to the bird.

“Of course!”, Cherap replied, flying over by my side. Mistres smiled before getting out another pokemon, this one the oldest of them all.

“Guess again. Go Roxas!”

Roxas the Infernape came out with a fiery entrance, eager to make Mistress proud.

“Do you see how well they connect?”, Cherap asked in admiration.

“Maybe someday I’ll battle like that.”

“I wish I could battle like you.”, I admitted although holding most of my sourness back.

“Maybe you will someday.”

Through her cheery facade, I could hear her sympathy. She knew I wouldn’t battle, not significantly anyway. I was still as weak as when I was captured six months ago. A pokemon like me would never learn any powerful moves like Rollout or Earthquake. The joy of winning a gym battle is something I would never experience, only witness. Never would I grow stronger and evolve into a fighter that would someday be respected. I was doomed as I was, a pokemon with only one purpose.

“Oooh! Here comes the best part!”

My mind focused once again at the battle which seemed to be at its end.

“Okay, now Fire Blast!”

In a swirl of vagrant reds and oranges, Roxas unleashed a fire storm that swallowed the grass pokemon whole. Both of us looked away from the intensity of the flames, already knowing the outcome. When the fire died down, a charred pokemon was left in its wake, a shadow of its former self. The other trainer stared wide eyed at the scene, only moving to return his pokemon.

“Wow...”, was what left his mouth, an accomplishment in itself.

“That was incredible!”

Mistress shook the boy’s hand with a smile.

“That was a very challenging battle. It certainly made my day.”

The boy seemed to blush at the statement, rubbing his neck nervously.

“Yeah, well... I guess I owe you now.”

From his shorts, he gave the money he lost to the teen, a small frown present on his face.

“Just make sure you train for the Elite 4, I hear they’re tough.”

“Thanks, I will.”, she assured him.

With a wave, the trainer walked down the trail we had passed.

“That was amazing Roxas!”, Mistress congratulated.

“You too Cherap!”

That simple saying would have made my day but for the others, it was merely a routine. Mistress turned to me, the smile dying down.

“Now, Geodude. I want you to use Strength on that boulder.”

Inwardly sighing, I nodded.

My chance to shine would never come, I simply was an HM slave.
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  #2  
Old 05-30-2007, 05:06 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: A Lonely Fate [One-Shot]

Heh, I once saw another One-Shot like this, with an HM slave thinking about how worthless they were. I don't remember it all that well, but I think I like the way you wrote yours more. It gave some great insight into the mind of the HM slave and actually showed us how he felt through the use of the battle scene in which he just sits off to the side watching enviously. Great idea there, and you pulled it off very well!

Grammar however, was not so good. There were many, MANY silly mistakes the whole way through, from the simple mix of of using 'here' instead of 'hear' ('here' means "I am right here" and 'hear' means "I can hear him breathing"). There was also mixing up of words, as in writing "I bitterly thought." when it should be "I thought bitterly."

Punctuation the whole way through was very off and it's clear you don't know some basic things. Two things I'll teach you right now:
Quote:
1) “Medicham!”, the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.
There should only be a punctuation mark BEFORE, aka INSIDE the quotation marks. NEVER put punctuation right after. So instead it should be:
“Medicham!” the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.
Or you could change the exclamation mark to a comma if he's not yelling, as in
“Medicham,” the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.


Quote:
2) “That was amazing Roxas!”, Mistress congratulated.
Whenever adressing somebody, you need a comma. So it should instead be (while fixing BOTH mistakes)
“That was amazing, Roxas!” Mistress congratulated.

Such mistakes are sprinkles throughout and they generally make this somewhat frustrating to read, as they're easy to find and personally, spelling mistakes really distract me in a piece and take away from the overall quality.



Description was also very iffy- I don't know if PE2K treats description the same way SPPf does, but back at Serebii we usually try to describe Pokémon themselves. Of course, the surroundings, attacks and so on also deserved a bit more description (especially attacks as it could have made them seem more cool, powerful and impressive) but the Pokémon could have looked stronger and more intimidating, which would consequently have made Geodude feel even weaker in comparison and the readers would therefore sympathize with him more whch is ultimately the goal of this One-Shot: to show us how our HM Slaves feel when they're ignored. :/

Also, since these are Fourth Generation Pokémon it's more important to describe them, especially since not everyone is all that familliar with them yet- after all the games haven't been out that long. Also, I, as well as a good few other people have not yet had the pleasure of played the games and are therefore much less familliar with the new places and of course Pokémon.

But even then, a brief idea of what the Pokémon looked like would have been good. You could easily have done this as well as made the Pokémon look quite impressive. For instance *goes to find a picturepf Infernape*
Quote:
Roxas the Infernape came out with a fiery entrance, eager to make Mistress proud.
That could have, with only a few more minutes put into it, come out looking like this:
Quote:
Mistress flung the Pokéball onto the field, and upon impact it burst open, and in a flash of light Roxas appeared. His sleek, muscular form towered over the opposing Roserade, his brown and white coat shimmering in the sunlight. A mane of flames emerging from his head flared powerfully, the gold armor covering his body shining. The Infernape's eyes seemed to glow with a passion, and his mouth was twisted into a smug grin.
Well, not amazing, but you get the idea. It's the same with Infernape's 00ber-awesome-cool-KOing Fire Blast attack- it got more description than most other things, but otherwise wasn't all that impressive and its effect seemed to be more humorous than glorious (ie when it burned the Roserade to a pulp).

So yeah, description was generally lacking and I think you could have done a lot more with it.



Characters were pretty good, but not too much personality shone through other than Geodude being all sad and Cherap pitying him somewhat. However, VERY good caal on not giving Geodude his name, and whether you did this simply because your in-game Geodude has no name or to show the Trainer's distaste for him (which, by the way, was done quite well) it really shows the way the Trainer draws a line between friend and slave and is very powerful. I think you could have played around with this a bit more, though.

But even though the characters were simple, you still got the message across strongly. Good job on that anyway. XD


Anyways, it was generally okay- the writing itself wasn't too good, but the idea behind it was great and the way it was attempted to be portrayed seemed well-thought out. You did a pretty good job but in the future I'd suggest finding a Beta. Also, get out and read- that way you'll get a better feeling for English grammar and you'll learn and improve as you read.

Nice job,
~Psychic
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  #3  
Old 06-01-2007, 12:19 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: A Lonely Fate [One-Shot]

Okay, using your tips, both in description and in grammar, I added and re-wrote some stiff. I think it's a alot better than it was before but I'll leave that to your opinion. :)

A Lonely Fate

“Hold on there, Cherap! Just a little longer!”

The Chatot nodded from her temporary roost on top a boulder, eyeing the Medicham below warily. The fighting pokemon’s sleek pink/cream form was bruised in numerous spots from the bulging fur on its legs to the slender arms on its upper body. Medicham no longer stood in its poised, one-legged stance but had its feet firmly planted on the cave floor.

Cherap wasn’t fairing any better from where she rested. The opaque ruffles on her neck were disheveled around her while her yellow chest feathers were stained with dirt. Even her usually, well groomed tail feathers were out of place. I could hear her hard breathing as she tried to recover from the Drain Punch she took yet determination still shone clearly in her eyes.

‘Lucky bird.’, I thought bitterly.

‘Even when you’re losing you’re winning compared to me.’

My thoughts must have distracted me from the battle for in a blur of colors, the fighting pokemon leaped up high with a leg outstretched on its trainer’s command. I whirled my head around at my mistress who stood immobile a couple of feet away, not a sign of panic on her pale face.

“Cherap, fly now!”

Stretching her ebony wings, Cherap dodged the Hi Jump Kick at the nick of time, exactly as both her and Mistress planned. Their timing was exact, not a mistake to be seen. They both worked in sync as though they could read each other’s mind, knowing what the other was about to do or say. I simply envied that bond, knowing that I would never be a part of one as strong. The Medicham was hit with recoiled from the missed attack, given Cherap the perfect opportunity from she flew. A flash of fear appeared on the trainer’s face and I knew he also saw the setback.

“Cherap,” Mistress commanded, her eyes twinkling at the idea of the final blow.

“use Hyper Voice!”

A high pitched screech was issued multiple times from the bird’s red beak which caused the foe to become extremely disoriented. Medicham stumbled once, twice before falling hard on the ground.

“Medicham!” the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud. Running to the pokemon, he kneeled before it to expect the extent of the damage.

‘Would Mistress every care for me that much if I fainted?‘ I couldn’t help but wonder.

For Cherap and the others, there was no doubt. After muttering a few words of comfort to the fainted Medicham, he pulled out a poke ball and the fallen pokemon disappeared in a flash of light. Cherap circled the small, dark area in which the battle was held and landed on the ground, beaming brightly at what she had just accomplished

“If you think that was easy, get a load of my next pokemon!”

Replacing the current poke ball with another on his belt, he released the pokemon with a confident smile. The poke ball snapped open and when it did, a shower of sapphire and ruby flower petals rained down upon us. In all its glory stood a Roserade whose grin matched its master’s, wide and sure. The bouquet of red and blue roses instead of hands shimmered with the last few sparks of the poke ball, its white hair almost reaching the leaf cape on its back. Though it was barely bigger than the Chatot who hopped over to us, its mere presence gave of the aurora of a warrior.

“Cherap, would you like to see the battle?” Mistress turned to the bird.

“Of course!” Cherap replied, flying over by my side with a wag of her metronome tail.

Mistress smiled before getting out another poke ball, this one the oldest of them all. The weather worn symbol of a flame that was etched on the front was a clear indicator that whatever resided inside was a force to be dealt with.

“Guess again. Go Roxas!”

In a flash of light, a muscular ape loomed over the plant pokemon. The golden armor that adorned the Infernape‘s body gleamed from the fiery mane on its head that cascaded down his back. His well toned muscles seemed to ache to fight, his fingers forming to fists at his side. Roxas turned and his yellow eyes caught his trainer‘s brown. A smile simultaneously spread on their faces when the monkey turned away. I wouldn‘t be surprised if a strategy was already on their minds.

“Do you see how well they connect?” Cherap asked in admiration, eight note head cocked to the side.

“Maybe someday I’ll battle like that.”

I restrained myself from screaming at her about the luck she had, about how her life would mean much more than mine ever would.

Instead, I avoided her eyes.

“I wish I could battle like you.” I admitted although holding most of my sourness back.

“Maybe you will someday.” Cherap answered back with a smile before returning her focus to the battle.

Through her cheery facade, I could hear her sympathy. She knew I wouldn’t battle, not significantly anyway. I was still as weak as when I was captured six months ago. A pokemon like me would never learn any powerful moves like Rollout or Earthquake. The joy of winning a gym battle is something I would never experience, only witness. Never would I grow stronger and evolve into a fighter that would someday be respected. I was doomed as I was, a pokemon with only one purpose.

“Oooh! Here comes the best part!”

My mind focused once again at the battle which seemed to be at its end. Both fighters sported cuts and scratches on their upper and lower bodies, leaves from a past Magical Leaf attack were littered around their feet. The boulders that once stood strong and proud were now reduced to crumbling towers. Through it all, Mistress was calm and collected, even when all of us could sense the thick tension that hung in the air.

“Okay, now Fire Blast!”

In a swirl of vagrant reds and oranges, Roxas planted his blue feet on the ground, bracing himself, and unleashed a stream of red and orange from his mouth. As it came closer to the foe, it widened and grew into a funnel of roaring flames.

The Roserade only had enough time to utter a short cry before it was swallowed whole in the fire storm. Cherap and I looked away from the scene when we heard the crackling flames eating up the leaves on the pokemon’s body like paper.

Though I couldn’t see, I imagined the terror struck face of the male trainer as he stood on the sidelines watching his companion shrivel up. When the fire died down, a charred Roserade was left in its wake, a shadow of its former self. Just as I had predicted, the other trainer stared wide eyed at the scene, stumbling forward to inspect his pokemon. His hand reached out but quickly recoiled when he felt the searing heat that was still present.

“Rosy...” was what left his mouth, an accomplishment in itself.

Numbly, he got out a poke ball and recalled the pokemon.

“That was incredible, Roserade. I couldn‘t have asked for more.”

He stood up on his feet and faced the female trainer. Mistress shook the boy’s hand with a smile.

“That was a very challenging battle. It certainly made my day.”

The boy seemed to blush at the statement, rubbing his neck nervously.

“Yeah, well... I guess I owe you now.”

From his shorts, he gave the money he lost to the teen, a small frown present on his face.

“Just make sure you train for the Elite 4, I hear they’re tough.”

“Thanks, I will.” she assured him.

With a wave, the trainer walked down the trail we had passed, holding the Roserade‘s poke ball close to his chest as though protecting it from any more attacks.

“That was amazing, Roxas!” Mistress congratulated with a jump.

“You too, Cherap!”

That simple saying would have made my day but for the others, it was merely a routine. The trainer’s face slipped from joyful to concern in a matter of seconds.

“Are you guys hurt bad? Do you want to rest awhile?”

When she knelt to inspect Charap’s injured wing, I bit my bottom lip. Yeah, just as I suspected, concern would only be issued to those for whom she cares for. Mistress turned to me, her face now free of emotion.

“Now, Geodude. I want you to use Strength on that boulder.”

Inwardly sighing, I nodded.

My chance to shine would never come, I simply was an HM slave.
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  #4  
Old 06-24-2007, 03:44 AM
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Default Re: A Lonely Fate [One-Shot]

Don't worry, Geodude. You'd be surprised just how powerful an HM slave can be, if tought the right HMs.... but I digress. Truly, I can't relate to this story, 'cause none of my Pokčmon are HM slaves.... well, except my Azumarill on my Gold Version, but that was only a fluke. I still use it for battles...Anyways, this was pretty good. It really got across how sad and dissapointing the life of an HM slave is... which, because I'm the insane guy who acts like his Pokčmon on the screen actually have feelings, makes me glad I don't have any!
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