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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-28-2007, 01:01 AM
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Default Mary Sue Blues

Mallory Dunlop is the typical everyday hero. She has blonde hair that flows flawlessly down to her buttocks, eyes of dark blue and a trim, model-like figure. Also she is prom queen, cheerleader and is the eye of every boy in the class. But, read as this Mary Sue comes into the world of pokemon where she isn’t so perfect after all.

Mary Sue Blues

Chapter 1: Two Worlds Collide

Giggles floated down the long, clean halls of Mallory’s high school, but she knew no one was laughing at her. After all she WAS wearing designer clothing that hugged her every curve and her football-playing boyfriend would beat up anyone if they ever even looked at her funny. No, they were not laughing at Mallory, they were laughing at a boy who had just tripped in the halls.

This boy was about seven-feet tall, skinny and wore thick glasses. Not only was shirt tucked into his pants, but also his ‘man purse’ had ripped and all his stuff had scattered in every direction. Some jocks were having a nice game of catch with his Game Boy while the boy watched desperately as their throws became harder and harder to catch.

As Mallory approached one of the jocks he dropped the Game Boy lightly onto the ground and kissed Mallory passionately on the lips. Mallory didn’t even notice as the boy with the glasses left because the bell for class had just rang.

Mallory, even though she skipped to class, was late. She was sent back from the direction she came from to retrieve a ‘late pass’ from the office. Strutting down the halls, Mallory suddenly found herself in the same position as the boy with the glasses. But, nobody was here to see her trip so she just got back up and dusted herself off. But, OH NO! She had broken the heel of her new leather boots, bummer.

But, Mallory was so graceful she never tripped! She gazed around the floor to spot the culprit. Hidden behind a trash bin was a spherical, red and white object. Mallory recognized it faintly as a pokeball. Pokemon HAD after all been In when she was in fifth grade, but she being so fashionable refused to join in this fad… for the most part.

Gosh, oh, Jeez! The president of the Yearbook Club was coming down the halls with his camera. Mallory could not let her picture be taken anywhere close to this long-lost fad. Thinking quickly Mallory pocketed the pokeball and sure enough the Prez of the Yearbook Club did take her picture!

“I’ll put in our ‘Damsels in Distress’ page!” he reassured her and passed her by. Mallory was just glad her and the pokeball were not going to appear in the ‘Are You Lost?’ page.

Mallory skipped down the hall, got her ‘late pass’ and returned to class. The remainder of the day happened as usual. Mallory was asked out twice, complimented twenty-seven times and her boyfriend beat up six guys who looked at her funny.

That night Mallory was thinking about the boy that had tripped. She hoped his Game Boy hadn’t been broken. She didn’t care for the boy with the glasses, but still she didn’t want her boyfriend to be guilty of vandalism. She remembered the pokeball and took it out to examine it.

It was red and white, small but heavy and had a button on it. She pressed the button out of curiosity and the pokeball expanded so it was large enough to fill her whole hand. Then it started to shake. Very surprised by this, Mallory dropped the pokeball and chipped her manicured nails when she hit her bedside table out of haste to get as far away from the shaking pokeball.

A bright white light had spurted from the button Mallory had pushed and formed a round shape the size of a dog. The light started to fade when, oh my, the true identity of the shape of light was revealed. It could have been identified by any pokefan as a Pikachu, but to Mallory it looked like a dangerous, overgrown mouse.

Mallory stared at the Pikachu with fright. ‘Oh, no!’ she thought, ‘I hope a black belt karate master like me can whip this rat’s butt.’ After striking a perfect and threatening karate pose, Mallory lunged at the Pikachu. It leapt up on the dresser and sparks of electricity started to fly out of cheeks.

A bolt flew from the little Pikachu at Mallory and for a moment this Mary Sue was struck dumb and white light blinded her. The bolt hit and fire erupted in her veins for a few seconds. Overcome by pain Mallory fell to the ground and started to cry.

***

“Are you okay?” a small male voice inquired.

“Ah…Who are you?” whined Mallory, her hands still rubbing her tearing eyes. “Get out of my room!!! I’ll call my boyfriend and he’ll show you!”

“What? Your room!?!” exclaimed the boy, “Look around you.”

Mallory for the first time opened her eyes and saw the place she was in. The popular boy band posters were gone and her framed pictures of her friends and family were nowhere to be seen. In fact, she wasn’t even in doors! She was sitting on a dirt path in the middle of a forest. Overhead she could see strange fat birds flying against a cloudless sky and on the tree branches overgrown insects peered at her with beady eyes. She felt a blade of grass and the bark of a tree before she stumbled to her feet.

“Wha…Where am I?” she cried.

“You’re in Viridian Forest! Where’d you think you were!” the boy, who Mallory could see was about eleven said.

Mallory held her head and groaned, “My room! I was there just a minute ago until some sort of electric monster zapped me!”

“Electric monster? Why are you calling your Pikachu a monster?”

“Pika…Pikachu?” stuttered Mallory.

“Yes…Your PO-KE-MON.” the boy stated.

“Pokemon is a just a TV show and videogame series!” cried Mallory, “It’s just make believe, isn’t it?”

Mallory and the child talked like this for about a couple hours. The boy, whose name was Marcus tried to explain that Pokemon was real to Mallory and that though there were many TV shows, mostly on the discovery channel, and a few videogames that they existed in real life too. Mallory was getting upset, her makeup was ruined and anytime now she expected a TV crew to jump out behind some bushes and say ‘You’ve been duped!’

“I’ll take you to my older brother, maybe he can talk some sense into you.” Marcus said.

*Cheesy Twilight Music*

Mallory may not know it but this is the start to her path of being not so much of a Mary Sue. The first step was when the two worlds collided…

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Mary Sue Blues!



Author Note: How’d you like this chapter to Mary Sue Blues? Please comment and stay tuned for the next chapter. Thank you!
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  #2  
Old 06-02-2007, 01:15 AM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Chapter 2: The Door to a New World

We join our Mary Sue at the Pallet Town Laboratory. Mallory had followed Marcus for some while to the edge of a forest, through a town and a valley. They had been walking for hours and the heat was started to get to Mallory.

Her hair was ruined, her make-up was smudged, she was in bad need of deodorant and her feet were bare (she had been her house when she was zapped by Pikachu) and black with dust, dirt and dog doo. Worst of all was the fact that no celebrity had jumped out behind a tree and Mallory doubted it was a TV reality show. Perhaps she had lost her mind? She had seen so many Pokemon, wild and otherwise. She recognized a few of them but she doubted her mind could have made the others up. Was it possible that this was real?

Anyhow, we join Mallory in front of the shiny, large building that is the Pallet Town Lab. Mallory shivered as she entered the air-conditioned building.

“My brother is an assistant to the Professor!” piped up Marcus.

Mallory sneered, “Do you want a medal?”

Inside the building a bunch of people were moving around busily. Some people were pushing trolleys full of pokeballs, others had clean lab equipment and more had stacks and stacks of papers in their arms. It seems everyone was an assistant to the Professor in this building! Mallory said so.

“My brother is the second in command to the whole operation!” Marcus backfired, “Besides, just WORKING with the Professor is an honour!”

Marcus took Mallory by the hand and led her through the maze of steadily working people. He took her to a door marked ‘Top Secret: Authorized Personal Only’ and through into a room with racks and racks of pokeballs and tons of beeping computer monitors.

Mallory wasn’t interested in computer she just wanted to go home. Marcus, however was studying them intently.

“HEY KIDS!” An angry yell came from down the hall, “Get out of there!”

They quickly left the computer room and ran into the hall to meet Marcus’s brother.

“Oh, Marcus. Its just you.” The boy, who seemed oddly familiar panted, “That stuff is top secret, y’know. I told you to go to that room in emergencies only to find me.”

“But, this is an EMERGENCY.” Whined Marcus, “This girl, Mallory, has lost her marbles.”

The boy took off his safety goggles to inspect Mallory and instant recognition washed all over his face. Then he turned green. “Mallory? THE Mallory Dunlop?”

“Yes!” said Mallory brightly, she was glad someone here recognized her. After all, she was the most popular girl in the whole school.

“My name is Zachary from your accounting class!”

“Can’t say I can recall you.”

“Skinny, tall with glasses and braces.” He continued, “The boy who tripped in the halls the other day?”

Mallory stared. This boy couldn’t be the other guy he was talking about. He was muscular, didn’t have glasses and carried himself with confidence. Zachary smiled uneasily as Mallory stared at him. His telltale braces gleamed, but instead of making him look dorky he appeared almost…cute.

“I have prescription safety goggles so I don’t need glasses.” Zachary explained. He turned to Marcus and asked him to leave.

“Oh, BOO!” Marcus complained, “FINE THEN!” and he stomped off.

“Bu…But.” Sputtered Mallory, “You’re not skinny or anything.”

“Was I skinny? Oh, it was all so long ago.” Zachary waved his hands nonchalantly, “Things change once you show up here.”

“Here?”

“Kanto. That’s the world we are in” Zachary answered.

Mallory wasn’t convinced, “So if this is Kanto, how do I get back to EARTH!?!”

Zachary laughed, “You are on Earth! Where you came from before is just a common ground for all the worlds. There are doors everywhere to places like this. It takes a while to find them but they are there. How’d you get in?”

“A Pikachu zapped me.”

“Yes, and where was the door you found?” Zachary continued

“I found no door.”

Zachary looked shocked and worried. He paced for a few minutes then said, “That is a problem, you get back by going out the door you came in by. You can’t use anyone else’s door but your own and there are very few commonplace doors.”

Mallory couldn’t see his point, “So I have to find a ‘common place’ door back to the ‘common place’ world. Sounds pretty Star Treky loser stuff to me.”

“Yes, yes.” Muttered Zachary looking hurt, “My point is that the only common place door I know of it is at on the peak of the highest mountain in Kanto, which would be Mount Indigo.”

“O…M…G!” shouted Mallory, “I can’t climb a mountain.”

“No, no.” shushed Zachary, “Keep your O.M.G.s to yourself. That isn’t the worst part, to gain access to the mountain you must become a Pokemon Champion.”

“WHY?”

“Because, the Indigo League is responsible for the climbers of that mountain. People have vanished there and they assume it is a powerful, maybe legendary pokemon that takes them as slaves. Only Pokemon Masters could defeat this Pokemon to make it to the summit.” Explained Zachary.

“How do you know all this?”

Zachary smiled, “Professor Oak told me everything. I know where my door is and I come and go as I please between these two worlds. Part of that research in that room is about doors to other worlds. It is fascinating.”

Mallory was not convinced, “Why can’t I just ask the Indigo League to escort me to the door?”

“They don’t know about it and wouldn’t believe you. They would think that you were just trying to capture the legendary pokemon on the mountain and putting yourself in danger. They only way to make it out of this world and to your old one is to become a pokemon master and win the Indigo League!”

***
*exciting music plays*

Yes, that’s the end of Mallory’s second instalment of her quest to Pokemon. Please stay tuned for the next exciting adventure that awaits Mallory. Yes, reviews, negative or positive are welcome. Suggestions greatly appreciated! Thank you!
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  #3  
Old 06-02-2007, 01:36 AM
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Red face Re: Mary Sue Blues

i like it now but can you look at my story!but back to you, i dont think you need to change anything!
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  #4  
Old 06-02-2007, 05:57 PM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

wow! this is good! expect a PM.
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  #5  
Old 06-05-2007, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Yay! I love reading replies! Thanks guys! It's culminating activity time in school and I have 5 exams to prepare for, but I won't forget you. Here is my next chapter!!!

Chapter 3: The first Pokemon

Mallory Dunlop was asleep in her silken pyjamas and comfy warm bed. She had just had the weirdest dream that had left her rattled. She kept her eyes closed as she always did when she had dreams that scared her. This one was particularly odd, she usually told others her dreams, but she vowed to keep this one secret.

As she always did she kept her eyes closed even though her conscious mind was awake and recalling everything that had happened in her mind that night. She groaned and tried to empty her mind and fall back asleep, but it was impossible.

Reluctantly she opened her eyes. What she saw shocked her.

“AHHHHHHHHH!”

Marcus’s older brother Zachary burst into the room looking panic stricken.

“Where am I?” screeched Mallory.

“On a cot in the Pokelab’s room for overnight guests.” Zachary assured her, “I put you here last night after you fainted.”

Mallory burst into tears. For five glorious minutes she had believed that she was back home in her room, in her normal world.

“Oh God, you shouldn’t cry!” Zachary smiled, “Think of this as an opportunity to become great. You are already the most famous and admired girl at school; why not branch out to conquer this world? I know you can raise a whole bunch of great Pokemon and beat the Indigo League!”

“Jeez?” Mallory cried, “Who would want that! I want to go home!”

“You have to beat the Indigo League, climb Mount Indigo and find the commonplace door first. You are going to have to catch and train wild Pokemon. That will take a long time to do that.”

“Can’t I just borrow yours.”

Zachary looked thoughtfully at Mallory, “No Pokemon that strong will respect you enough to follow your orders. You are going to have to start small like everyone else.”

Mallory pouted and jumped off her cot, “I do not believe that.” Inspired she took out the Pokeball that contained Pikachu and threw it at a potted plant. The plant smashed and Pikachu materialized looking confused.

“Cripes-“ Zachary exclaimed as the dirt from the pot spread all over the floor.

“Pikachu!” Mallory cried, “Clean that up!”

Pikachu just looked at her and jumped onto Zachary’s shoulder. Mallory looked defeated. Pikachu looked angry.

Zachary shook his head and laughed, “I’ve arranged with Professor Oak a starter Pokemon for you. He doesn’t usually get involved with beginning trainers so you should feel honoured.”

“That’s just peachy.” Smiled Mallory sarcastically.

“Why don’t you clean yourself up a bit, pack a bag for travelling and then I’ll introduce you to your first Pokemon. A couple of the female assistants here have agreed to lend you some clothes. They are very curious about you, but I should remind you that not everyone knows about things like commonplace doors. I’m sure you won’t refuse to keep quiet about what has happened to you in the last couple days. Call me if you have any questions.”

Zachary turned on his heel and walked out of the room. Mallory suddenly felt embarrassed, a sensation that was quite new to her. She had been a bit rude to the boy and now the only thing that she recognized in this world had left her.

***

“Is she really deranged?” whispered a girl with violet hair and thick glasses to a girl with aquamarine dreads.

“That’s what I heard, and they are sending her away to be a Pokemon trainer. I guess it must be some sort of field experiment on how Pokemon interact with sub intelligence humans.” She giggled, “And they want us to pack for her!”

Mallory pretended she hadn’t heard this. Her immaculate face had broken out with pimples from stress and her hair had frizzed from humidity for the first time in her life. Mallory looked a mess and she knew it.

“Could I have a shower?” she asked the girl with violet hair coldly. She nodded and pointed to a door at the end of the hall. The shower was tiny and the shampoo cheap, but after Mallory blew dry her hair and tied it in a messy bun on the nape of her neck she decided she didn’t look that bad. She had a natural air of beauty. Mallory Dunlop could never crack under pressure.

The two girls both looked up when she entered the room in a bath robe.

“I like the bun.” Miss I Think Aquamarine is a Good Hair Colour commented, “Would you like us to do your makeup for you.”

“I can do my own makeup, thanks.” Replied Mallory coldly.

Miss violet Hair and Thick Glasses held up an expensive looking eye brush and cooed, “It’d be fun…”

Before Mallory Dunlop knew it she was plastered with an inch of makeup. Normally she didn’t wear this much, she didn’t need it. But, Mallory Dunlop loved the new look. It made her look perfect.

Suddenly a light beeped overhead. Violet Hair said, “Oh, shoot. We didn’t even get to dress you. The Professor is ready to see you. We’ll finish up packing while you go.”

Mallory pulled on some shorts and a tank top before she exited the room. Zachary was waiting for her. He raised one eyebrow at her appearance.

“Always…radiant.” He purred before he led her into a shiny room where Professor Oak stood, “This is Mallory Dunlop, the girl I told you about.”

Professor Oak, who to Mallory Dunlop looked like a normal old man in a lab coat, looked her up and down and sighed, “I see you were right about her. I’m a bit reluctant to give her a Pokemon that she may not be able to handle.”

“I assure you I have full confidence in her.” Zachary said. Mallory Dunlop shifted uncomfortably. She was used to people talking about her, but not like she wasn’t even present. “I’m sure she would be well suited.”

“Well suited for what?” Mallory couldn’t help but interject in anger.

Professor Oak smirked at her before leading her to a table where a spotlight shone down on a pokeball. “We have here a Pokemon that is quite rare. It isn’t legendary or impossible to catch, but it is very tricky. I’m was most fortunate to come across one at the Safari Zone and am a bit reluctant to give it up.”

“I remember a few months ago you said you were waiting for a beginning trainer to give it to, one that was destined to become a champion. We have here a girl whose only choice is to become a champion. I can not think of a more suitable master for it.” Piped in Zachary, “I’ve told you I was willing to oversee the training and such.”

Professor Oak looked unsure for a moment before he handed the Pokeball to Zachary. “Go ahead.”

Zachary threw the pokeball gently in the air and a Pokemon about the size of a large snake fell on the floor. Except it was a cute snake if it was possible. It had ears like the wings on some Greek God’s shoes and shiny black eyes.

Mallory Dunlop didn’t know how lucky she was to have her first Pokemon be a Dratini.

(The frame freezes on Mallory Looking at the Dratini in admiration and a loud voice booms) Thank you for reading this instalment of the exciting adventures of…MARY SUE BLUES. Stay tuned for the next week’s chapter when Mallory leaves Pallet Town on her very own Pokemon journey.

Author's Note: Review and stay tuned for the next chapter!
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  #6  
Old 06-06-2007, 03:35 AM
Argentum Offline
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Posts: 2
Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Quote:
Originally Posted by dopeythedwarf View Post
Yay! I love reading replies! Thanks guys! It's culminating activity time in school and I have 5 exams to prepare for, but I won't forget you. Here is my next chapter!!!

Chapter 3: The first Pokemon

Mallory Dunlop was asleep in her silken pyjamas and comfy warm bed. She had just had the weirdest dream that had left her rattled. She kept her eyes closed as she always did when she had dreams that scared her. This one was particularly odd, she usually told others her dreams, but she vowed to keep this one secret.

As she always did she kept her eyes closed even though her conscious mind was awake and recalling everything that had happened in her mind that night. She groaned and tried to empty her mind and fall back asleep, but it was impossible.

Reluctantly she opened her eyes. What she saw shocked her.

“AHHHHHHHHH!”

Marcus’s older brother Zachary burst into the room looking panic stricken.

“Where am I?” screeched Mallory.

“On a cot in the Pokelab’s room for overnight guests.” Zachary assured her, “I put you here last night after you fainted.”

Mallory burst into tears. For five glorious minutes she had believed that she was back home in her room, in her normal world.

“Oh God, you shouldn’t cry!” Zachary smiled, “Think of this as an opportunity to become great. You are already the most famous and admired girl at school; why not branch out to conquer this world? I know you can raise a whole bunch of great Pokemon and beat the Indigo League!”

“Jeez?” Mallory cried, “Who would want that! I want to go home!”

“You have to beat the Indigo League, climb Mount Indigo and find the commonplace door first. You are going to have to catch and train wild Pokemon. That will take a long time to do that.”

“Can’t I just borrow yours.”

Zachary looked thoughtfully at Mallory, “No Pokemon that strong will respect you enough to follow your orders. You are going to have to start small like everyone else.”

Mallory pouted and jumped off her cot, “I do not believe that.” Inspired she took out the Pokeball that contained Pikachu and threw it at a potted plant. The plant smashed and Pikachu materialized looking confused.

“Cripes-“ Zachary exclaimed as the dirt from the pot spread all over the floor.

“Pikachu!” Mallory cried, “Clean that up!”

Pikachu just looked at her and jumped onto Zachary’s shoulder. Mallory looked defeated. Pikachu looked angry.

Zachary shook his head and laughed, “I’ve arranged with Professor Oak a starter Pokemon for you. He doesn’t usually get involved with beginning trainers so you should feel honoured.”

“That’s just peachy.” Smiled Mallory sarcastically.

“Why don’t you clean yourself up a bit, pack a bag for travelling and then I’ll introduce you to your first Pokemon. A couple of the female assistants here have agreed to lend you some clothes. They are very curious about you, but I should remind you that not everyone knows about things like commonplace doors. I’m sure you won’t refuse to keep quiet about what has happened to you in the last couple days. Call me if you have any questions.”

Zachary turned on his heel and walked out of the room. Mallory suddenly felt embarrassed, a sensation that was quite new to her. She had been a bit rude to the boy and now the only thing that she recognized in this world had left her.

***

“Is she really deranged?” whispered a girl with violet hair and thick glasses to a girl with aquamarine dreads.

“That’s what I heard, and they are sending her away to be a Pokemon trainer. I guess it must be some sort of field experiment on how Pokemon interact with sub intelligence humans.” She giggled, “And they want us to pack for her!”

Mallory pretended she hadn’t heard this. Her immaculate face had broken out with pimples from stress and her hair had frizzed from humidity for the first time in her life. Mallory looked a mess and she knew it.

“Could I have a shower?” she asked the girl with violet hair coldly. She nodded and pointed to a door at the end of the hall. The shower was tiny and the shampoo cheap, but after Mallory blew dry her hair and tied it in a messy bun on the nape of her neck she decided she didn’t look that bad. She had a natural air of beauty. Mallory Dunlop could never crack under pressure.

The two girls both looked up when she entered the room in a bath robe.

“I like the bun.” Miss I Think Aquamarine is a Good Hair Colour commented, “Would you like us to do your makeup for you.”

“I can do my own makeup, thanks.” Replied Mallory coldly.

Miss violet Hair and Thick Glasses held up an expensive looking eye brush and cooed, “It’d be fun…”

Before Mallory Dunlop knew it she was plastered with an inch of makeup. Normally she didn’t wear this much, she didn’t need it. But, Mallory Dunlop loved the new look. It made her look perfect.

Suddenly a light beeped overhead. Violet Hair said, “Oh, shoot. We didn’t even get to dress you. The Professor is ready to see you. We’ll finish up packing while you go.”

Mallory pulled on some shorts and a tank top before she exited the room. Zachary was waiting for her. He raised one eyebrow at her appearance.

“Always…radiant.” He purred before he led her into a shiny room where Professor Oak stood, “This is Mallory Dunlop, the girl I told you about.”

Professor Oak, who to Mallory Dunlop looked like a normal old man in a lab coat, looked her up and down and sighed, “I see you were right about her. I’m a bit reluctant to give her a Pokemon that she may not be able to handle.”

“I assure you I have full confidence in her.” Zachary said. Mallory Dunlop shifted uncomfortably. She was used to people talking about her, but not like she wasn’t even present. “I’m sure she would be well suited.”

“Well suited for what?” Mallory couldn’t help but interject in anger.

Professor Oak smirked at her before leading her to a table where a spotlight shone down on a pokeball. “We have here a Pokemon that is quite rare. It isn’t legendary or impossible to catch, but it is very tricky. I’m was most fortunate to come across one at the Safari Zone and am a bit reluctant to give it up.”

“I remember a few months ago you said you were waiting for a beginning trainer to give it to, one that was destined to become a champion. We have here a girl whose only choice is to become a champion. I can not think of a more suitable master for it.” Piped in Zachary, “I’ve told you I was willing to oversee the training and such.”

Professor Oak looked unsure for a moment before he handed the Pokeball to Zachary. “Go ahead.”

Zachary threw the pokeball gently in the air and a Pokemon about the size of a large snake fell on the floor. Except it was a cute snake if it was possible. It had ears like the wings on some Greek God’s shoes and shiny black eyes.

Mallory Dunlop didn’t know how lucky she was to have her first Pokemon be a Dratini.

(The frame freezes on Mallory Looking at the Dratini in admiration and a loud voice booms) Thank you for reading this instalment of the exciting adventures of…MARY SUE BLUES. Stay tuned for the next week’s chapter when Mallory leaves Pallet Town on her very own Pokemon journey.

Author's Note: Review and stay tuned for the next chapter!
I don't like the way you write. Its as if you are trying to be what you never were in this rpg. You make it sound like a crappy legally blonde spin-off. But worse it sounds like you've been picked on by someone like this and are trying to write about how to turn the tables. Its overall boring and uninteresting.
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  #7  
Old 06-06-2007, 06:07 PM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Quote:
Originally Posted by Argentum View Post
I don't like the way you write. Its as if you are trying to be what you never were in this rpg. You make it sound like a crappy legally blonde spin-off. But worse it sounds like you've been picked on by someone like this and are trying to write about how to turn the tables. Its overall boring and uninteresting.
how rude can you get??? anyway I LOVE IT. cant wait for more.
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Old 06-11-2007, 01:02 AM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Quote:
I don't like the way you write. Its as if you are trying to be what you never were in this rpg. You make it sound like a crappy legally blonde spin-off. But worse it sounds like you've been picked on by someone like this and are trying to write about how to turn the tables. Its overall boring and uninteresting
My Mary Sue would NEVER pick on anyone (out loud) and the whole point of this story is for humour! If you don't like it there is a very simple solution: don' read it! I can tell by you quoting the WHOLE third chapter that you actually read the whole thing. I think you should give story lines a chance to progress, but if you don't like the writing style it is probably not going to suddenly get better. I'm not sorry I wasted your time because you wasted it yourself by reading to the third chapter. (for your info, I never do Pokemon RPG so your theory was wrong)This fanfic is more like a parody and is intentionally melodramatic.

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I am open to CONSTRUCTIVE critisism. Oh well, thank you kamiam for sticking up for me. I will try to update soon!

Last edited by dopeythedwarf; 06-11-2007 at 06:30 PM.
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Old 06-11-2007, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Hi again! Someone asked to be featured in this fic and wanted a form so I decided to post one.

To be featured in Mary Sue Blues please fill out the following form:

Name:
Gender:
Age:

Description: (my trainer is the ULTIMATE Mary Sue so please don’t copy)
Personality: (ditto)
History/Story: (this is optional. Those who fill it out well may be a recurring character, i.e. a rival or a friend)

Pokemon: (please remember that my trainer is new so if you give yourself incredibly strong Pokemon I probably won’t be able to write you in.)
Skill: (are you a new trainer or an expert trainer, should I be able to beat you in a battle given my skill. Things like that.)

Other: (If you don’t wish to be a person I battle randomly tell me. If you want to be a Pokemon Choreographer, Breeder, Chef, Masseuse, photographer, field researcher tell me! I would love original ideas and input.)

This is the basic form, but if you feel I left anything out tell me! PM any applications to me and also if you have any ideas for my story PM them to me. Remember this is just character creating, I control everything your character does and says including their pokemon. So don't be mad if my Mary Sue mops the floor with your Sandshrew (which she probably won't)
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  #10  
Old 06-22-2007, 05:19 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

MUHAHAHAHA!!!!! Exams are over and I did very well on all of them (Except possibly Physics, but what use is the relative properties of the angle of incidence in a beam of light hitting a concave lens anyway...) Just to brag I finished my ancient history with a 95% I am a genious. I'm so happy for summer and err...35h of work a week at almost minimum wage... First two weeks of summer I work 8 days in a row and then have one day off before I work again. Still, I'll have more time for writing and hopefully you will have more time for reading! ENjoy my latest chapter of Mary-Sue Blues

Chapter Four: A Sunday with Sunflora

“So you two are coming with me?” Mallory enquired with a sigh, “I’m not a child. I’m sure I could figure out Pokemon training all by myself. It can’t be that hard!”

“Be that as it may, I am supposed to escort you to Viridian City and teach you all about being a Pokemon trainer.” Zachary smiled sheepishly, “The Professor-“

“OF COURSE! Everyone does what the Professor says.”

Voice Booms: We join our young heroes at the entrance to the Pallet Town lab where Mallory Dunlop is preparing for her very own Pokemon Journey. What mysteries await them in this exciting world? Stay tuned to find out!


Mallory, Zachary and Marcus walked slowly through the town and into the tall grass that marked the boundary of Pallet Town. The tall grass tickled Mallory’s heels and it felt very scratchy. She had no difficulty voicing this fact.

“Calm down, calm down.” Zachary hushed her, “We have to be quiet if we want to find wild Pokemon for you to catch.”

“I saw a whole bunch around here when we came.” Marcus stated, “I wonder why they left?”

At that very moment the looming grey clouds overhead opened up in a fury of thunder. They turned darker grey and a downpour fell on the young travellers.

“Ahhh…I hate this!” cried Mallory. The boys looked at her with a mixture of pity and disbelief. “I HATE the rain! I HATE the rain! I HATE my life! Boo-hoo!”

The air filled with a fragrant floral scent and the clouds parted. The rain stopped and the sun shone. The rainstorm that had just occurred ended as abruptly as it started. The boys looked startled, but Mallory cheered.

“Yay! In this world people must be magic and I can control the weather! I was really upset and the weather matched my mood! Then when I wanted the rain to stop it did! I am a magical princess! Yay!”

Marcus was the first to speak, “You’re mental, that’s what you are.”

“Ya, totally mental…” agreed Zachary.

Mallory rounded on them, “No! I am magical! See everyone, look all these flowers are growing around me too. See look at all these sunflowers. They are growing so fast they almost look like they are moving!”

What Mallory spoke was the truth; she would never lie. Around her a whole batch of sunflowers were dancing in the wind. Wait a minute! The sunflowers were actually dancing! Comprehension dawned on Zachary and Marcus.

“Listen closely, oh magical princess!” Marcus teased, “Can you hear the ‘sunflowers’ saying anything?”

Mallory smiled brightly at Marcus, “You hear it too? I thought I might be mad. It sounds like they are saying ‘sunflower…sunflower…sunflower’”

“Sunflora!” exclaimed the ‘sunflower’ loudly.

Mallory jolted from the ‘sunflowers’ and hid behind Marcus. She cried with despair, “It just screamed at me!”

Zachary shook his head in disbelief, “These are SUNFLORA. They are Pokemon. Their ‘Sunny Day’ move must have been what caused the weather to change.”

“Oh…” Mallory said with disappointment. “Well if they are Pokemon I want one.”

Mallory pushed Marcus out of her way and didn’t apologize when he stumbled into the dust. She glared at the Sunflora and pointed at one in a threatening manner. The Sunflora looked fear stricken.

“YOU! SUNFLORA!…I challenge you to a Pokemon Card Duel! Prepare to die!” she cackled at the Pokemon before turning to Zachary, “See I know how to do this!”

“Oh, jeez!” exclaimed Marcus.

“Sunflora?” exclaimed Sunflora.

“…” exclaimed Zachary.

Mallory maintaining her confident, yet threatening pose cackled again, “I summon the powers of the almighty pokemon card captor to assist me!”

She looked around in confusion, “Hey guys, you didn’t give me any Pokemon cards!”

The Sunflora were losing interest and slowly walking away. They marched to the tune of penguins and swayed their petal-like arms hypnotically in a way that made them resemble real sunflowers swaying in the wind. In fact the only clue that they weren’t flowers was their slow migration away from the group and their permanently happy expressions.
“Why’d they leave!!!!!!!” Mallory whined, “I was going to win…”

The brothers looked at each other in exasperation. Marcus shook his head then spoke, “I think we need to teach her how to battle…”


They walked along Route 1’s slightly rolling hills until they found a fairly level clearing free of tall grass. Marcus had decided to use his weakest opponent, a Caterpie that he had found in Viridian Forest before he had found Mallory in the battle.

Zachary would normally referee the battle from the centre of the field, but he opted to do this from behind Mallory so he could coach her.

“Ready from your first Pokemon battle.” He whispered dramatically to Mallory. She promptly rolled her eyes then nodded. Zachary raised his voice to a shout, “The trainers Mallory and Marcus will now engage in a Pokemon battle. Each trainer may use one Pokemon only. The winner of the battle shall receive bragging rights only! Let’s battle!”

Marcus reached into his pocket and picked out a Pokeball, which he threw forward, “GO CATERPIE!”

The bug Pokemon materialized in the middle of the field. It looked around curiously. This was its first time out of its Pokeball since it had been captured.

“Send out Dratini…” Zachary urged Mallory.

Mallory fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her single Pokeball. She stared at it before she pressed the button in the middle, which enlarged it and threw in uncertainly into the field, “Err…go Dratini.”

Miraculously the Pokeball opened when it struck the grass and Mallory’s Dratini materialized looking as confused as Caterpie did. Marcus stood waiting; he was going to let Mallory have the first shot since it was her first battle. He would go easy on her.

“A Dratini of this experience only knows two attacks.” Zachary whispered into Mallory’s ear, “Wrap and Leer. You can command it to do these things, or evade the opponents attack.”

Mallory nodded, “Dratini, use Leer.”

The ‘cute’ baby dragon suddenly looked fiercely at the Caterpie before it. Its eyes glowed menacingly and the Caterpie cowered on the spot, visibly shaking.

Marcus, stunned by the effective Leer shot back with his command, “Caterpie, ignore it and use String Shot!”

Web-like ropes shot from the Caterpie to Dratini.

“Dodge it!” shouted Mallory overcome with the passion of the fight. Her Dratini was able to slither almost completely out of the way. Dratini’s tail was wrapped in the gooey rope.

“Eww…” Mallory sympathized with her Dratini, “That’s nasty.”

“Caterpie use Tackle!” screamed Marcus.

The Caterpie suddenly charge at the grossed-out Dratini.

“Use a counter-attack!” Zachary yelled at Mallory.

“Err…Dratini use your Wrap attack.”

As the Caterpie collided with the Dratini, Dratini absorbed the brunt of its blow using her body. She quickly wrapped her tail around the Caterpie and held it in a Python like grip. The String Shot on her tail only helped her in restraining the Caterpie. It was caught.

“Dratini, use Leer!” Mallory yelled in triumph. Her Dratini once again stared at the Caterpie with its glowing eyes. The Caterpie transfixed in Dratini’s stare stopped struggling and fainted. Mallory had won?

Zachary and Marcus were shocked. How could Mallory win? She was so blonde so ditzy! She was such a Mary-Sue…

“Caterpie is unable to battle. The winner is Dratini and Mallory!” Zachary shouted from the sidelines.

Dratini released Caterpie from its grip and Marcus returned the Caterpie to his Pokeball.

“Beginner’s luck…” he muttered.

Mallory, far from celebrating her win was using Kleenex to frantically wipe of the Sting Shot goo from her Dratini. “Eww…eww…ew…POOR BABY”

Voice Booms: Oh, Mallory…Will she ever learn? After winning her first Pokemon battle Mallory Dunlop is proving herself to be very concerned with her Pokemon’s well being and…err…sludge-freeness. Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of Mary-Sue Blues!

Please review! I love hearing your feedback! Thanks!
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  #11  
Old 06-25-2007, 06:31 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 12
Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Ohh…Poo! Guys…You aren’t reviewing….Now I’m whining…Jeez!

Chapter 5: Afternoon with an Enemy

Though Route 1 was a relatively short route, consisting of level plains and tall-but-not-extremely tall grass, Mallory Dunlop felt more exhaustion than she had ever experienced in her boring, perfect life. He feet were sore, her shoulders ached and her arms hung limply at her sides. He knapsack weighed heavily on her back and she was receiving no sympathy from her fellow travellers.

Marcus had already concluded that Mallory Dunlop was a loon. Even though Zachary knew about the ‘other world’ that Mallory had come from, he too, was coming to the same conclusion.

They had been walking up a short slope when Mallory swung her knapsack over her head and plonked it on the ground. She sat next to it and buried her head in her arms in frustrated silence. Marcus and Zachary just looked at each other for a moment then sat down next to her.

“Well…” Zachary said with a fake yawn, “We’ve been walking for a couple of hours and I think this place looks as good as any to set up camp for lunch.”

Mallory looked at him hopefully. “Lunch?”

Marcus and Zachary started digging in their packs for stuff. Marcus found a tightly folded piece of cloth that he shook out into a surprisingly large checker-patterned blanket. From seemingly nowhere Zachary pulled out a set of plastic dishware. Marcus pulled out a loaf of bread and some peanut butter. By this time Mallory was drooling. Zachary ran to the lone tree that stood on the top of the hill and picked some large apple-like fruit from it. They each pulled out a thermos containing cool, refreshing water. Mallory squealed with delight.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, “FOOD! I love you.”

Mallory jumped up from her depression and quickly whipped up her famous patented Mallory’s Peanut Butter Sandwiches. The boys smirked at her sudden energy, but managed to control themselves. For a brief moment everyone enjoyed a quiet and satisfying meal.

After finishing two sandwiches Mallory frowned at the fruit. From close up it looked more like a nectarine than an apple.

“It’s a Pecha Berry.” Zachary grinned, “Very sweet.”

Mallory uncertainly nibbled the Pecha Berry and found that it tasted like peaches. She greedily ate three before Marcus stopped her.

”Whoa! Leave some of those for our Pokemon!” he urged her.

At this signal he threw his own Pokeballs into the air. His Caterpie, a Machop and an Eevee materialized. Zachary followed suite with his Pikachu, Ponyta, Magneton, Slobro and Graveler.

“Enjoy the feast guys.” Zachary smiled then wiped out bowls of brown pellets.

The Pokemon munched the blocks greedily. Mallory Dunlop was staring transfixed at the Ponyta.

“Wow…” Mallory sighed in awe. She put up a hand to touch the fiery mane of the ‘horsie’, “So pretty…”

”DON’T TOUCH HER!” cried Zachary startling all the Pokemon and Marcus into looking up from their culinary indulgences, “She’s a fire Pokemon. Very hot.”

Mallory shot Zachary an angry look that said ‘I know that!’ before she sent out her Dratini to join the feast.

The group continued their picnic unknown to the man in the far off forest with binoculars watching them. He too, was transfixed with the beauty of the Ponyta, but when he saw the Dratini he knew he had scored a real break.

Dratini were rare, the boss didn’t even have one. To find one in the wild was an incredibly lucky feat for an advanced trainer, but to see one prancing around in the possession of a ditzy noob trainer was unimaginable.

The man lowered the binoculars to reveal a startlingly handsome face. He had big blue eyes, a straight pointed nose, sharp cheekbones and full lips. His hair was the lightest shade of blonde, long and tied back into a ponytail. He stood. He was tall and carried himself with an air off grace. He wore suit pants and a dress shirt that was kept open to reveal his muscular chest. He was a hottie and he knew it. With any luck he could convince this ditz to give up her Dratini without a fight.

He walked across the field casually to the group of picnickers. He carefully avoided looking directly in their direction until he was in sight and spotted. When they had seen him he waved casually at them and walked casually over. Casual, casual, casual…

He bit his lip when he spotted the Dratini; it was young and strong. He laughed and used a gloved hand to stroke the mane of the Ponyta. The Ponyta nuzzled at the glove. What a fool!

“Hello?” inquired Marcus, a bit put on by the appearance of the man. Mallory on the other hand looked just as you would expect. She had expertly leant back and flipped her hair at the sight of the gorgeous bloke petting the Ponyta.

The gorgeous bloke looked at the young man with a handsome, friendly smile, “Greetings. Let me introduce myself. I am Chad of Fuchsia City, a fellow Pokemon trainer it seems to be.”

Chad was the man’s alias, he would never reveal himself as who he was until it was too late for his victims. He always introduced himself this way, he preferred to trick people into trading rare Pokemon for common ones or rewarding Pokemon to him for winning a battle.

Zachary shook the man’s hand, “I’m Zachary, this is Marcus and this is Mallory…and we’re…err…of Pallet Town I guess.”

Chad laughed gaily at the young boy’s awkwardness with formalities. He smiled and looked at the Dratini, “What a magnificent Pokemon, whose is it?”

“It’s mine.” Mallory piped up.

“Magnificent…” Chad purred, “Why, I do think Lance would love to have a look at this Pokemon up close.”

”Lance?” repeated Mallory. Who was Lance?

“THE Lance!” cried Zachary. He knew who Lance was.

“Yes, THE Lance. I am one of his apprentices. He sent me out on a mission to collect dragon Pokemon for him to train.” Chad beamed at Mallory as he continued his well-rehearsed lie, “It is a huge opportunity…”

“Who’s Lance?” enquired Mallory.

“Lance, Champion of the Indigo League, only known beater of the Elite Four, Dragon Master…” Zachary stated, “He is the best Pokemon trainer there is out there. He is famous and has many accomplishments.”

“Yes.” Agreed Chad as he beamed at Mallory with his dark blue eyes, “He wants me to find Dragon Pokemon for him to train. I understand you love your Dratini, but if you consider who it would be going to the benefits for it are obvious…”

Marcus looked at ‘Chad’ suspiciously, “What are you saying?”

”My dear boy, I have been sent on a sensitive mission.” Chad lied, “Lance, my master, wishes me to find young Dragon Pokemon and bring them back to him. He doesn’t care if they already belong to other trainers, he believes that as Dragon Master he should be able to train any dragon he chooses. Now, I do not expect you to hand over your Dratini for nothing. I will trade you for it.”

”No.” Zachary broke in, “The answer is no.”

”With all do respect Zachary, the decision doesn’t lie with you.” ‘Chad’ turned to Mallory and grinned widely.

Marcus piped up, “You can’t. The Professor would be really disappointed in you!”

Mallory rolled her eyes and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. She looked at her Dratini and its cuteness. Looking at its beautiful snakiness and reflecting on how bad she felt when its tail was covered with sticky String Shot made her whole body ache.

“I’m sorry.” Mallory shook her head, “I think I can take care of my Dratini. Thanks.”

Marcus and Zachary both breathed a sigh of relief.

“Fine.” ‘Chad’ snapped, his handsome face suddenly appearing stern and frightening, “You leave me no other choice.”

He stood back from the group of travellers and did a twirl in midair. When he had completed his twirling his hair was loose and flying widely around his face. His shirt was completely off and underneath he had a muscle shirt with a big red ‘R’ painted across the front.

“Rocket!” screamed Marcus, “I knew there was something fishy about you!”

“MUHAHAHHAHAHA!” cackled ‘Chad’, “I know reveal my true nature. I am not Chad the apprentice of Lance, but Doug the grunt of Team Rocket.”

“Eep!” squealed Mallory.

”Now hand over your Pokemon!” shouted Doug, “Or…face the consequences.”

”Never!” yelled Zachary, “You’ll have to take Dratini from us!”

”Very well…GO NIDOKING!”

A purple monster of a Pokemon appeared before the group of travellers.

”Oh, crap! We are going to lose!” whined Mallory.

Zachary ignored her, “Slowbro, show that Nidoking what you are made of. Use Confusion.”

For a moment no one knew what was happening. The Slowbro had jumped in front of the Nidoking and was doing a kind of swaying dance with his hands, followed by a complicated jig on the spot. Nidoking looked offended by this lame dance and staggered backwards.

“Gahhh!” cried Doug, “USE DOUBLE KICK!”

Zachary countered lazily, “Withdraw Slowbro!”

As the Nidoking lunged at the Slowbro the Slowbro withdrew into the shell that was biting its tail leaving it unharmed. Worse the shell was spiked so the blows appeared to be stinging the Nidoking! The Nidoking retreated and looked around for help from Doug, who seemed to be speechless.

”Slowbro!” called Zachary confidently, “Finish him off with a Water Gun followed directly with a Headbutt.”

The Slowbro obeyed and delivered a powerful rush of water that sent the Nidoking falling into Doug. They both stood there dripping on the spot as Slowbro rushed at them, head lowered.

“Uhh…ohh…” Doug said lamely as the Slowbro collided with them sending them flying, “Team Rocket is blasting off again….”

They were gone and the air was hushed into a delicate-feeling type of peace. No birds chirped, no one spoke.

“Slow-bro…” the Slowbro broke the peace as it reached for a Pecha Berry. The picnic started once again with Mallory hugging her Dratini protectively and looking around nervously.

Voice Booms: So concludes Chapter 5 of Mallory Dunlop’s epic tale to become a Pokemon Master. With Team Rocket out of the way the Path is clear to Viridian City and the mystery and adventure that awaits them.

NOW REVIEW OR I WILL STOP TRYING TO WRITE ENTERTAINING CHAPTERS AND WILL POST BOREING ONES JUST SO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER! MUHAHAHAHAHHA! CAPS LOCK IS FUN!
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2007, 08:56 PM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

noooo keep writing! sorry for taking sooo long! i didnt know you writen more chapters! but it is very good and cant wait for more!
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Old 06-28-2007, 04:52 AM
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Chapter Six: Showdown at Sundown

Voice Booms: After an exciting encounter with Team Rocket our heroes are finally able to enter Viridian City. Mallory is excited to get out of the fields and explore the city. Zachary and Marcus are looking forward to a moment of safety…or so they think.

“Wowie!” screeched Mallory Dunlop as she spotted a line of boutiques, “Shopping! Civilization! Thank the sweet God above!”

“No need to get religious…” Muttered Marcus.

As Mallory hopped back and forth between shops the boys decided to leave her be for a couple of hours and head to the PokeCenter.

“Meet us there, m’kay?” Zachary called after the hyperactive Mallory.

Mallory looked up from a display of tank tops and growled, “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and am not going to wander off like a dog!”

“If you say so…”

The boys walked down Viridian City’s main street to the busy PokeCenter. The building was modern, silver, and in the shape of a Pokeball. As they entered they realized that the silver material was a one-way mirror and they could see quite clearly outside.

“Cool!” Marcus said.

As they waited in queue Zachary spotted a stressed looking Nurse Joy busily healing people’s Pokemon from behind the counter. A blush crept up his face and he hurriedly turned away and groaned.

“Maybe we should come back later.”

Marcus shot back savagely, “Afraid of facing your old girlfriend?”

It was finally Zachary and Marcus’s turn. Marcus went first.

“Hello, Nurse Joy.” He glanced at Zachary slyly, “My Caterpie isn’t doing so well.”

Nurse Joy smiled sweetly and took the pokeball; which contained Caterpie, to a sophisticated looking machine and secured it into a space.

“Is there anything else?” she asked not meeting Zachary’s eye.

“Um…” stumbled Zachary, “Would you heal my Pokemon and my broken heart?”

“Lame…” muttered Marcus.

“This is hardly the appropriate time, Zachary!” exclaimed Nurse Joy, blushing savagely. She indicated the growing line of Pokemon trainers, “I am at work! Just give me your Pokemon!”

Zachary handed over his Pokemon with a defeated look. Marcus started to giggle. Nurse Joy was concentrating on the machine that was whirling into life.

“Hehe…” Marcus stifled a giggle, “Nurse Joy, what’s up with the new one-way mirrors?”

Nurse Joy jumped on the subject, “Unfortunately in the past month the PokeCenter has been attacked by Team Rocket repeatedly. They mostly use aerial attacks with an element of surprise. The city thought if we could see them we would be able to call Officer Jenny earlier.”

Nurse Joy spat the name ‘Officer Jenny’ with disgust. Zachary blushed even further.

”We spotted a member of Team Rocket on Route 1.” Zachary informed Nurse Joy. She looked up in shock.

“Yes, he tried to steal Mallory’s Pokemon!” piped up Marcus.

“Mallory?” Nurse Joy grunted.

Zachary hurriedly explained, “A new trainer that Professor Oak wanted me to accompany. Bit of a ditz.”

”It was nice how you got the Professor to give her a Dratini!” Marcus blabbed.

“OH YOU DID!” hissed Nurse Joy in disgust. At that moment a beep was heard from the healing machine. Nurse Joy stalked over to it, grabbed the Pokeballs and thrust them at the boys, “THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY!”

She ran out of the lobby nearly in tears and Zachary blushed furiously as another Nurse Joy ushered them out of the Pokemon Centre.

“Why can’t you behave?” the other Nurse Joy winked.

Marcus led the deflated Zachary into a small café off the main street. He ordered an iced tea and a cup of black coffee for his older brothers. Zachary was staring at the ceiling with a dreamy-yet-depressed look upon his face. It was going to be a long afternoon

***

Meanwhile our hero, Mallory Dunlop had gotten herself into trouble. After finding a pile of items she wanted to purchase, she realized she had no money.

“Where am I going to get money?” Mallory muttered to herself.

A voice from behind her answered, “I can help you with that.”

Mallory turned and gasped as she came face to face with Doug from Team Rocket. He was as stunning as before. As he stared her down she felt weak in her knees, but somehow managed to keep her composure.

“You wouldn’t dare try to steal my Dratini in a crowded street.” She said in what she hoped to be was a confident manner.

Doug, who’s hair was down and eyes were hid by dark sunglasses sniggered. He placed one hand on Mallory’s shoulder in a threatening manner and squeezed it hard. Mallory flinched and pulled away looking around for someone to help her.

“I’ve been watching you.” Doug whispered threateningly at the girl, “And, when I’m gone from here, I’ll still be watching. Waiting for you to slip up. Go off in a corner by yourself… When the sun goes down be afraid Miss Mallory Dunlop.”

Doug turned away from her and barked at the nearest person, “You! Are you a Pokemon Trainer?”

The boy turned to face the man and Mallory could see fear in the boy’s eyes.

“Well?” Doug spat.

“Yes, sir…” the boy managed to squeak.

Doug sneered “You up for a battle?”

The boy cringed and stared at Doug with a look of fright in his eyes.

“Not with me fool, but this young lady here.” Doug indicated to Mallory. The boy glanced at her and looked a little relieved to see her looking as agitated as he was.

“I guess.”

“Terms! You win…she pays for your items. She wins…you pay for hers.” Doug stated.

The little boy looked shocked, “Umm…sounds fair.”

Doug grabbed them both by the forearm and steered them into a side street that was packed with people. He faced them to stand 15 meters apart and then stood in the middle.

”Could I have everyone’s attention!” Doug shouted at the top of his voice, “The trainers Mallory and-“

“Dylan.” Mumbled the boy.

“The trainers Mallory and Dylan will now engage in battle. One-on-one. Clear the street!”

Everyone seemed taken aback at the order, but they followed it like obedient schoolchildren. The sidewalks were crowded with people straining to see the fight.

“This is only my second battle.” Mallory whined at Doug, she was put off by all the spectators. The boy, Dylan seemed as taken aback as she was.

“Battle!” Doug cried, making everyone jump.

Reluctantly Mallory reached for her Pokeball. “Go Dratini!”

The Dratini materialized and looked shocked at all the faces. The faces looked shocked right back. No one in this audience had ever seen a Dratini before. There was a sudden flurry of motion as a million Pokedexes were wiped out of trainers’ pockets and pointed at Dratini.

“Go Zubat!” Dylan’s Zubat materialized at stared fixatedly on Dratini.

Dylan, who looked about nine, suddenly cried, “Use Leech Life Zubat.”

The great blue flying beast was heading right for Dratini and Mallory didn’t know what to do or say. Before she or Dratini could do anything the Zubat struck and bit the Dratini with its vampire like fangs. Dratini let loose a howl of pain that made the audience go quiet with awe. It held Dratini in a pincer like grip between his teeth and the more Dratini struggled the more strong Zubat seemed to get.

Mallory looked at Doug who glared right back at her. The anger in Doug’s face scared Mallory.

“Use your Wrap attack.” Mallory squeaked uncertainly.

The Dratini twisted its body into an odd angle in desperation to reach the Zubat. As it rolled itself up around it the crowd of people on the sidelines started to cheer. Everyone wanted to see Dratini fight back. Because, after all, it WAS a Dratini.

As the Zubat sucked life out of Dratini, Dratini determinedly squeezed the power out of Zubat. It was a battle of endurance with just one question: Who would be the one to faint first?
At that very moment Marcus and Zachary had finished their coffees. They had to knock on the window to get the crowd to move away from the door. As they saw the spectacle before them Zachary whooped.

”Ya, go Mallory!” he cried.

Marcus however had spotted something that made the blood run from his face. Doug from Team Rocket was refereeing the match. Why? It couldn’t be good. As he tugged on Zachary’s sleeve to get his attention the Pokemon were starting to show signs of weakness.

Dratini’s hold on Zubat was getting weaker and Zubat’s bite was getting less powerful. Dylan was looking really concerned, but Mallory was more worried about what would happen after the match. She eyed Doug nervously before focusing on the match. She couldn’t afford to lose. The terms that Doug stated, she couldn’t afford.

Doug decided it was enough, “Let go of Dratini, Zubat. Use Supersonic.”

The Zubat let go off Dratini and let lose an eardrum-breaking screech. The Dratini was so astounded by the noise coming from Zubat that she let go off him. The Zubat weakly flew into the air, out of Dratini’s reach.

“Leer!” Mallory screamed. The Dratini obeyed and the Zubat seemed to become paralysed by the stare of Dratini. The crowd cheered, this was a very intense battle!

The cheers of the crowd had attracted some more attention. A motorcycle pulled out and an attractive lady with blue hair jumped off it beside Doug.

“Stop!” she cried, “This is not a battlefield. This is a public street. If you wish to battle, do so on the outskirts of town or a place that does not disturb the peace.”

The crowd booed.

“I am Officer Jenny of the Viridian Police Force and if you do not stop battling at once I will have to arrest you.”

Mallory had had enough, “Dratini, return!”

Dylan called his Zubat back. He looked relieved. Doug, however, looked furious.

“Look, lady!” he seethed, “We are just trying to have an innocent battle. Don’t you have anything better to do? I am Chad of Fuchsia City and Lance, my master, would be oh so thrilled to hear about you oppressing Pokemon battles.”

Officer Jenny looked highly offended, “I don’t care who you are, and if you want to battle you can’t do it on undesignated city property. Especially, a busy street such as this one.”

”Humph!” Doug stormed out of the crowd, pushing people out of his way violently. Dylan backed away from the scene, trying to avoid stares and Marcus marched up to Mallory.

“Explain yourself!” he cried

Mallory looked crestfallen, “I was just shopping and that guy from Team Rocket showed up. I told him he couldn’t do anything to me in public. He sort of lassoed this kid and marched us here. Then he just kind of called the battle. I was really, really scared.”

Mallory started crying, but Officer Jenny swore so badly she stopped abruptly.

“Sorry…” mutter Officer Jenny, “You mean to say that guy was part of Team Rocket. They have been wrecking havoc on the city for weeks now. I am going to be in real trouble for letting one of them getting away.”

‘”They?” Mallory repeated.

“Team Rocket is only the biggest crime organization in this area. They have thousands of members and cause all sorts of trouble. A while back the hero, Ash destroyed their leader, but a new one just popped right up.”

“I don’t feel safe near that man.” Marcus said grimly. Zachary and Mallory nodded. Mallory thought about what Doug had said, ‘even when I’m not here, I’ll be watching you…’

Voice Booms: And so concludes Chapter Six of the Mary Sue Blues adventure. Who is Doug really and how will Mallory cope with Team Rocket? Will Zachary ever make it up with Nurse Joy? Will Marcus ever stop being the only sane one of the group? Tune in next time to find out!

Thanks so much for reading this chapter. I really enjoy writing this tale and I hope you enjoy reading it. I really do appreciate reviews! Thank Kamien! And as my booming voice says ‘stay tuned.’
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  #14  
Old 06-28-2007, 06:25 PM
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kamiam Offline
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Plant Keron
Posts: 722
Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

hey since i am an avide reader i might as well help mallory!
Here!

Name:Marinda
Gender:Female
Age:15

Description: Pretty face with a pretty body. Always wears blue and her special Kanto Reagion Chapion Backpack
Personality: Bored of everything but loves to help new trainers. Knowen to be rude. Loves her pokemon so much that everyone thinks that she is a breeder.
History/Story: At the age of 10 she set of on her journey. At 14 she beat every Region there was. She has now started to do contest starting at Kanto and then heading to Johto. She is knowen also to be with her rival and best friend, Inaki. She hopes to be very famous in both contests and gyms.

Pokemon:Since she is starting over her pokemon are(can i have honne/sinnoh pokemon if not i will post later my kanto pokemon)
Mudkip Lv. 14
Treeko Lv. 13
Tortic Lv. 15
Piplup Lv. 12
Riolo Lv. 10
Pachisursu Lv. 5
Skill: Staring over with my baby pokemon (of my best pokemon)
you should be able to beat me at least at one battle
Other: I want to be in your group of trainers. i am a pokemon expert. I want to be a pokemon proffeser when i am done with contests.
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  #15  
Old 06-28-2007, 06:40 PM
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Mitsuzo-kun Offline
teehee
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Location: England
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Default Re: Mary Sue Blues

Quote:
I don't like the way you write. Its as if you are trying to be what you never were in this rpg. You make it sound like a crappy legally blonde spin-off. But worse it sounds like you've been picked on by someone like this and are trying to write about how to turn the tables. Its overall boring and uninteresting.
That's your opinion, fair enough. But maybe you could have worded it a bit nicer!

It's not an RP, anyway!

You shouldn't criticise someone as harshly as you did.

Quote:
You make it sound like a crappy legally blonde spin-off.
Inappropriate language and rudeness. Totally uncalled for.

Quote:
Its overall boring and uninteresting.
You're entitled to your own opinion, but not when it jeopardises the self-confidence of others and their work.

I felt that you were very rude.

But that's just my opinion. (Doesn't mean it's fact! Like you were implying.)

Djax94
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iamnotyou11 (00:41:35): scrotom?

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