Starting All Over....Kanto [PG-PG13] - Pokemon Forum

The Jr Trainer · #1 05-24-2007, 01:26 AM

Okay this is my first one so dont go all crazy on me

So this is about to brothers that move to Pallet Town and get there first Pokemon.Fred and Tommy....10 years old...This is the start to there story...

CHAPTER 1 THE START TO AN ADVENTURE.

"So Tommy have you got have you got the Map down yet?" Said Fred. Wearing a Blue Shirt, Green Belt, Red Pants and Black shoes.

"No wait a minute gosh," Said Tommy wearing a Yellow shirt, Blue Belt, Red Shoes and Black Pants.

"Guys be quiet back there your making your dad very frustrated" Said there mom. Wearing A Pink Dress.

"Okay mom!" They say at the same time.

Errrrrrt! The breaks squek and the boys get throw forward.

"What was that?" Fred asked.

"Your dad missed the turn and we have to turn around." She said.

"We're here" Said there dad whereing the same thing as Fred.

They get out and there is a small town in front of them. They stand there and look like they are going to throw up. And there is a man standing in front of there house with six poke'balls on his belt.

In a deep vioce he said "Hello my name is Ash Catchem"

Then from about to throw up the boys go crazy and want an signature from the best trainer in all four of the regins beating the Elite Four and becoming the champion. then there is a loud scream from 10 feet back.

"Oh Ash your back from Sinnoh finally!" Said a Women with a Mr.Mime and Mime Jr. Behind her.

Hours later the boys are packed and they are suprised that they got to move in next to the Cacthem's. They are running aroud in the grass and a flock of Spearows and Fearows are surrounding them.

"What are we going to do now" They say.

"Go Pickachu Thunder" Said a vioce

"Pika-CHU" a thunder strike came down and they the bird Pokemon flew away.

"Thanks,thanks" They said together. But no one was there so they walk back and when they get back to there house they see a man with a White Coat on and Brown Pants came out and said "Come with me to my Labratory"

So they followed him and when they got inside they saw book after book after book then they saw two machines that were red with a green button on them.

The Prof. was amazed that they were so amazed being that there dad is a Ex-Prof.

"Okay boys you each get a pokemon so pick smartle" Said the Prof.

"Oh yeah i am the Pokemon Prof. Oak sorry i didn't say that early." Said Oak

"And also you get a PokeTCH and Pokedex and one of these three pokemon" He said

So this is the end to CHAPTER 1 and yeah not very good right well it will get better that was jus the beginning.

Sceptile Frost · #2 05-24-2007, 07:13 PM

Do not take this in any wrong way, but you aren't really that good. However, you do have some strong points.

The first thing I noticed was this: you don't really use capitalization right. If you looked at a standard fic, each sentence would only have proper nouns and the first word capitalized. Other than that, you just shouldn't. It happens about every sentence. At least for the descriptions.

That's the second thing - the descriptions. Right now, you don't really have a good quality of style for the description. Try to not make it a sentence on it own and sort of weave it in. Like this:

Quote:

"So, Tommy, have you got the map down yet?" asked Fred. He leaned against the counter, rippling blue shirt hiding a green belt. He moved his red-panted legs in irritation, black sneakers moving along with them.

Though those colors are a bit... weird. Seriously... style and whatnot.

Thirdly, I like the plot. As it stands, its very interesting. Tom and Fred move to Pallet Town, meet Ash, and so on. What doesn't work is the way you're writing it, unfortuantely. Try to form sentences in different ways. Maybe look at some other works here and try to imitate (not copy, for the record) them in their sentence formation.

Other than that, there isn't really much t o be determined with a first chapter, (rather short), but also interesting...

The Jr Trainer · #3 05-24-2007, 07:19 PM

i know i'm trying to get better it is my first one so....Wait and it will get better.

Sceptile Frost · #4 05-24-2007, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Jr Trainer

i know i'm trying to get better it is my first one so....Wait and it will get better.

I know. I was just giving you some advice. And if you know your mistakes, why did you post it? I'd have tried to work on it before posting. But, I digress.

The Jr Trainer · #5 05-24-2007, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sceptile Frost

I know. I was just giving you some advice. And if you know your mistakes, why did you post it? I'd have tried to work on it before posting. But, I digress.

I meant like yep gotcha so i this next chapter will be better okay.

The Jr Trainer · #6 05-24-2007, 09:54 PM

CHAPTER 2-The Start Of Revenge And One's Adventure

"So boys what do you want," Oak said throwing three pokeballs from his hand. And out came a Charmander,Squrtle and Bulbasuar the boys jumped to the one they liked Fred got the Squrtle. And Tommy got the Charmander. Then "BANG!" the door opened and closed.

"Give me a pokemon" Said a bratty looking 10 year old wearing green everthing.

"Here,here Matthew" Said Oak. Bulbasuar ran behind the boys, growling at Oak.

"MATT NOT MATTHEW GOD OLD MAN!" Said Matt Grabbing the pokeball and pokemon and running out.

"Okay that was my greatgrandson." Said Oak

The boys still cheering "yeah,Yeppy,wooha" because they go tsome pokemon. But that night after returnong home and and telling there parents that they got pokemon and where going on an adventure together. There dad was getting some milk at 12:00 am before he went to bed and same with Tommy. Then up stairs Fred heard a loud "BOOM' noise and his mom had ran ito his room after he hear dit yelling she said "YOUR BOTHER AND DAD ARE DEAD, THEY WHERE SHOT!!!!"

"Right,yea stop lying" Said Fred

"I'm not lying" She yelled

Fred went down stairs and saw police after police after police and said "Are they really dead?"

One police officier turned around and said "yes,yes they are i'm so sorry"

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Yelled Fred starting to cry, Just seeing Doctors carring out 2 strechers with white sheets on them.

A week later there was a funeral for Tommy and his dad. Now Fred had 2 pokemon a Squrtle, a Charmander, a Pokedex and a PokeTCh after the funeral he went off into the forest and started his adventure yelling "I will evenge you father an brother!"

That is it short but alot happened so yeah the next one will be longer...