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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-20-2007, 09:19 PM
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Default Polarity


(I make well exciting title images)

Okay guys, I'm gonna try to update this once a week - it's a nice break, but I have just decided to take this up in the middle of my exams and a Saturday job.

Weekends are for relaxing, though, right? =P

Just a few pointers:
  1. I am English, so I write in UK English. Therefore, please don't correct my spelling if it's just a regional difference.
  2. I designed some of these characters when I thought giving everyone Japanese names was cool, and they've stuck xD So basically, anyone from Kanto has a Japanese name, and other languages vary...

This is set in Orre, the world in Pokémon Colosseum and Pokémon XD.

Prologue

Last edited by geeq_chiq; 05-20-2007 at 09:34 PM. Reason: Adding links for chapters
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  #2  
Old 05-20-2007, 09:20 PM
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Default Prologue

"Beatrix, come quick! Someone's been through the confidential files!"

Beatrix Adel stumbled through the door with arms full of overdue paperwork. "One day back from my holiday and...oh, yes, they have, haven't they?" Beatrix's employer, Helen Jenkins, was stood amidst an entire filing cabinet's content of scattered folders.

Helen stooped to pick up an empty tan-coloured suspension file. "This is what they were after. They've got Tatsuya's files."

Beatrix stared blankly through her wire-framed glasses, her mind clearly not responding.

"Tatsuya Tatler, the boy with no emotions." Helen sighed, stacking the other files on her desk and starting to sort them into alphabetical order again.

Beatrix nodded and left the room mumbling. "His mother was really, really cruel with that name. Tat tat?"

Helen's psychiatry office had been broken into before - one of the disadvantages of setting up in The Under - but never for patient records.

She leaned back in her chair and heaved another sigh. She knew Tatsuya's case inside and out; more than enough to reproduce those notes. However, that was sensitive information, and the fact that someone wanted that data on him meant that there really was, as Helen feared, something much more than simple depression going on.

In fact, she knew it wasn't depression. Nor was it simple. He didn't display any emotions or opinions at all - bar a deep-seated hatred for Cipher.

Cipher...

Helen knew calling the police wasn't going to help. There were so many crimes reported in The Under that she didn't have a chance. After a moment's contemplation, she walked out to reception and asked Beatrix to call Tatsuya's mother and let her know what had happened. In the meantime, she was going to have to write out those files again.

"Team Rocket's doing some contracted work for Cipher." Beatrix announced over the intercom, having just seen it on the news. "It's gotta be some big operation if Cipher are low on staff..."

Helen buzzed back. "Aren't you supposed to be doing that paperwork? You're a secretary, not a private investigator."

"Psssht." Beatrix replied, turning off the TV in the corner.

Helen went to turn on her computer and discovered a red rose thrown across her keyboard with a calling card attached; 'Scarlet & Silver'.

"Brilliant." She summarised, resting her head on her desk none too gently.

***


FILE: #0152
NAME: TATLER, TATSUYA
AGE: 15

NOTES:
The patient is genetically half from Kanto and half Orre. He lives with his mother, Hanako Tatler, in The Under. He has an older sister, Emiko Tatler, who is taking part in the Hoenn Pokémon League. His father (whose name he will not reveal) passed away when the mines of Pyrite Town (which are now The Under) collapsed. Maybe this is some explanation for his behaviour?

The patient also demonstrates a strong dislike for Cipher. His file was recently stolen from my office, suspectedly by Team Rocket, who are currently working for Cipher. This is very suspicious and requires further investigation.


***


Reading through the screen again, Helen drummed her fingers on the desk. "So they're targeting a boy instead of Pokémon this time..."

She decided to make a phone call of her own.

xxx


That looked a lot bigger when I was writing it...let's call it a prologue xD
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Last edited by geeq_chiq; 05-20-2007 at 09:50 PM. Reason: Inconsistent spelling! =/
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  #3  
Old 05-20-2007, 09:44 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

It's ok. one problem. You said he was "half oore half kanto" Kanto and Oore are just regions of a country not races. like west region and south region.
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  #4  
Old 05-20-2007, 09:49 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

Quote:
Originally Posted by autism View Post
It's ok. one problem. You said he was "half oore half kanto" Kanto and Oore are just regions of a country not races. like west region and south region.
Oop. I was trying to explain my mixing of names like I said in my first post. Sorry =/ you make sense.
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Old 05-20-2007, 09:54 PM
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Cool Re: Polarity

One more thing try hard not to double even if you are starting a new chapter. You could've fit all of that into one post.
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  #6  
Old 05-20-2007, 10:02 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

Quote:
Originally Posted by autism View Post
One more thing try hard not to double even if you are starting a new chapter. You could've fit all of that into one post.
Sorry to fill my own thread with posts but...xD

The idea with the first post not having any story in it was so that I can provide links to each of the chapters. I am a bit of a perfectionist and need to have everything set out tidily or I go slightly insane =/

Thankyou for your input =3 and I promise you no more double posts.
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:26 PM
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Smile Re: Polarity

All right. And its oopS not oop. (joke) Couldja read my fic? No, you don't advertise your own fic in another person's fic.
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Last edited by Kenny_C.002; 05-21-2007 at 03:14 AM.
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  #8  
Old 05-20-2007, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

So far this really isn't much. The goal of a Prologue or any first chapter is to grab the reader's attention and make them want to hungry read on. You barely gave us even a taste of what the story is like (because the prologue was so short) plus it doesn't seem all that impressive. To catch a reader's attention you have to do more than just tell a story: you have to SHOW it and make it look interesting. Now, even while this DID really lack description, that's not exactly what I mean by "show, don't tell." I mean more along the lines of just telling a story as if it were an entry in a textbook, make it seems interesting and exciting. Give the characters personalities, set a mood, explain what things look like at the very least so the scene is easier for the reader to picture in their head.

I personally didn't come out reading that very impressed. As mentioned, there was pretty much no description, not of the people, the objects nor their surroundings. We don't know if they're in a clean, brightly-lit office or a run-down building with paint peeling off the walls and flickering light bulbs in every room, so therefore the fic lacks any kind of mood or atmosphere.

Because this was so short, it is naturally hard to say what the characters are like right now, but I'm not getting much personality from any of them. In fact, I still don't understand who is who and who does what.

Files are written in a professional manner, that look as if robots wrote them. However just the...the language in Tatsuya's file sounded immature and just looked bad- I pity the foo' who wrote it. A file would sound more like this:
Quote:
File Number 183
Name:
Geller, Lawrence
Gender: male
Date of Birth: December 11th, 1994
Patient's mother resided in Cerulean City, Kanto, father resided in Slateport, Hoenn. Older sibling, brother Harrison Geller, is currently participating in the Johto League. Patient currently resides in Vermillion City with mother Allison Geller. Father's name and current location unknown. Patient is extremely rowdy, agressive and shows bitter resentment towards most authoritative figures. Possible explanation is that he faced physical abuse from his father and a school teacher as a child.
Cold, simple, tells only the facts and doesn't sound like one person describing another.


The grammar was okay, but only just around average. I found a few mistakes that should be noted:

Quote:
Helen Jenkins, was stood amidst an entire filing cabinet's content of scattered folders.
It's either "was standing amidst" or "stood amidst" not a mix of the two.


Quote:
He didn't display any emotions or opinions at all - bar a deep-seated hatred for Cipher.
The expression is "deep-seeded" because if something is "seeded" it's as if the roots have dug deep and won't come out. "seated" on the other hand...just means sitting,


Quote:
There were so many crimes reported in The Under that she didn't have a chance.
That she didn't have a chance of what? This sentence sounds incomplete: you should add "of even getting the time of day" or something along those lines.




Meh, of course it's hard to judge as this was just a Prologue (and a short one at that) but I'll keep watching this anyway. I *am* somewhat curious to read on, however I have a simple explanation for Tatsuya's apparent lack of emtion: Asperger's Syndrome, where the majority of patients are completely unable to understand or feel any emotions except the most basic ones. *bets you never considered this*

In any case, good luck,
~Psychic
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:31 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

And what the hell is wrong with aspergers? I have that!
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:30 PM
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Default Re: Polarity

Quote:
Originally Posted by autism View Post
And what the hell is wrong with aspergers? I have that!
Who ever said anything was wrong with it? I personally find it fascinating.

All I'm saying is that this is (at least according to my knowledge) how people with Aspergers are. Unless of course my English teacher was either lying to us or had her facts wrong, but this woman is far too intelligent for either.


~Psychic
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Old 05-21-2007, 12:15 AM
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Default Re: Polarity

Alright. I'm sorry i'm always a drama king. And why the heck heaven are earth do you have a picture of a girl getting humped by a mewtwo in your sig?
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  #12  
Old 05-21-2007, 07:43 AM
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Default Re: Polarity

Can we stop arguing in my thread please...? xD (Hah, autism, I will say "oops" or "oop" however I like; it's not even a word =P)

Okay, so I do feel like I'm being bashed, but thank you SO much for not being like the reviewers on FF.net who are all "OMG I LOVE IT UPDATE PLZ!!!1"

Anyway, some responses to Psychic (and thank you for putting so much time and thought into your review!);

I'm sorry it's short, I really did think it was longer. The text size on this forum is MINISCULE. But I see where you're coming from. What looked like paragraphs in Notepad are now lines. Admittedly I do type in a small window so I can still see my Messenger conversations going on.

I like doing descriptive writing! It's just that I used to do too much (and my English teachers told me off for it) and that I'm terrified of it sounding corny. There's a fine balance between enough description and too much.

Helen's sheet...uh...well. Maybe she's scatty from having just dealt with a break-in. Yes, I admit, it really isn't very professional, and I'll probably work on that.

I thought "deep-seated" was right to be honest...I always hear it. Maybe that's a regional difference? (I don't know where you're from, sorry. I keep bringing this up because I always used to get bashed on FF.net for UK spelling or colloquialisms). Or my entire family are idiots. Either way. I'm actually going to go check that out with my old English teacher...

I haven't considered Asperger's Syndrome, no, because I have something else planned that's integral to the plot =P

Thanks again, Psychic ^^
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Last edited by geeq_chiq; 05-21-2007 at 07:54 AM.
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