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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-18-2007, 01:09 AM
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Lightbulb Artemis' Gift

Note: This may be edited at some time to make improvements, but probably not in a matter which will disrupt the plot.

CHAPTER ONE
THE BEGINNING


He's so intelligent. He's avoided me for this long.
I will capture him. And, then, my mission is complete.

The cool wind bit against Aderyn’s exposed skin as she stood on the bank of the lake that separated the wilderness from Cerulean City. Her Umbreon stood beside her, its blue markings shining against its black fur in the mid-afternoon sun. It stared up at her with hard focused yellow eyes as if waiting on a command. The Umbreon, nicknamed Conan, was her first Pokémon and her usual training partner. He was unusually clever which made up for his stalking disadvantage with his vibrant coat and had learned to speak in an adapted version of human language.

If someone were to travel the bank, it would appear at first glance that Aderyn was a ghost. Her skin was extremely pale against her black silver-buckled full-length trench coat and her wild jet-black hair was like the mane of a juvenile lion. Twenty Pokéballs of assorted colors hung on a belt on her waist, clipped in metallically and containing a variety of rare and unique Pokémon. Her name was Aderyn “Artemis” Blackwood and she was a rare Pokémon hunter.

“Well, Conan, it appears that this is our last unearthed area,” she said to the Umbreon, her gaze set on cave entrance across the lake. “Too bad we needed a pass otherwise we would have gotten there earlier. It was not too much of a hurdle, was it though? The Elite Four can kiss my tail. They’re one of the weakest trainers I have faced in my career.” Aderyn smirked devilishly, her green-gold eyes flashing in the light. “I wonder what the requirements is to become one of the Four. Perhaps you have to be royalty.”

Conan curtly nodded and replied; - Perhaps it is because of their lack of knowledge of inherent type weaknesses. Their Pokémon are admittedly powerful, but they do not take full advantage of their power. Most of our team easily swept through the enemy without much trouble. –

Aderyn nodded and shifted her focus to the bank. She grabbed a large rotted stick and leaned out as far as possible, sticking it down into the water. It did not touch bottom. She turned to Conan and said, “I need to use Floatzel. You’ll need to go inside your Pokéball for a few moments so we can cross.”

She unsnapped a red and white Pokéball off her belt with several assorted stickers upon it and snapped it open. Conan disappeared into the Pokéball in a flash of red light and it snapped shut again. The faint shape of the sleeping Umbreon could be seen through the walls of the Pokéball, and a faint green light glowed from the lock button indicating he was at full heath and did not have any status conditions.

Aderyn clicked another Pokéball off her belt. This one had a faint sea-green hue and was crossed with thick black bands. The green light on this one was less vibrant than the other Pokéball but still relatively healthy. If one were to look carefully, the outline of the Floatzel could be seen. She clicked the button open and in a flash of blue and green light a scruffy-looking Floatzel appeared in the water.

“Jennifer, we need to cross to shore,” said Aderyn. She stepped into the water up to her waist and gripped Jennifer’s shoulders. The current here was surprisingly rough but Jennifer seemed to enjoy being tugged about by the flow of the water. She slid through the water almost effortlessly even with the extra weight on her back. As they dove underwater Aderyn opened her eyes and through the murky water she could see the red metallic gleam of a school of Magikarp.

At the shore Aderyn released Jennifer and walked onto dry land, her clothes and trench coat soaked with water. She rung out her thin cotton t-shirt which hung onto most of the water and drew the coat closer around her. She snapped Jennifer’s Pokéball off her belt and withdrew Jennifer in another flash of blue and green light. In a quick flick of the hand she snapped it back on and grabbed another Pokéball. This one had dark green spots against a black background with orange trimming. The button on this one was a vibrant green similar to Conan’s button.

Aderyn pressed the button on the ball and in a flash of neon-green light a Houndoom leapt out, teeth curled in a fearsome snarl. She snapped the Pokéball back onto the belt and then released Conan from his Pokéball who appeared in another flash of red light. The two Pokémon stood at attention side-by-side. The Houndoom was drastically larger than the Umbreon but seemed to have a good deal of respect for Conan, keeping a fair bit of distance away from the other Dark Pokémon.

Aderyn turned her attention toward the cave’s entrance and walked toward it, the two Dark Pokémon following behind her at a steady pace. The guard was sprawled in a sitting hammock and watching a crackling baseball game on a black and white TV. He stood up as if to object but settled back down again when Aderyn pulled her black Master’s I.D. out of her coat and flashed it.

She stepped into the entrance of the dark cave, her black leather hiking boots plopping into a small pool of mud. Aderyn could only see a few feet into the labyrinth, but the stony walls were a dark shade of grey and the floor was damp with a significant amount of pale cave plant growth. The pair of Dark Pokémon stepped forward into the darkness with ease, their pupils widening to absorb the little light there happened to be. Aderyn gripped one of Houndoom’s horns and allowed the Pokémon to guide her into the darkness.

“Conan, Boleslav, tell me if you smell anything powerful, got it?” whispered Aderyn as her eyes slowly made the transition from normal daylight to the darkness of the cave. The faint outlines of enormous boulders appeared out of the gloom and the faint green tint of moss upon the walls gave the passage a soft green glow. She could just make out a small underground lake breaking the path ahead, so calm it appeared to be made of smooth colored glass.

Aderyn snapped Jennifer’s Pokéball off her belt, the indicator light gently glowing in the darkness. In the darkness she could clearly see the outline of the small Floatzel swirling around the inside of the Pokéball. With another snap the Floatzel leapt out of the Pokéball in a flash of blue light, skidding around upon landing so that she was facing Aderyn.

Aderyn pointed toward the water with one finger, keeping a firm grip on Boleslav’s horn with her other hand. “Jennifer, dive underwater and thrash anything that gives us a second look and stands its ground. I don’t wish to be interrupted!” Before she could finish her first sentence Jennifer scrambled toward the water and leapt up into the air, diving down into the water with an enormous splash and disappearing into the dark murk.

Aderyn turned to Boleslav, gently running her fingers over the white bony armor across his side. “Boleslav, dive forth and light the way ahead for us. I’ll go and ride Palindrome across the water, and Conan can swim alongside us.” She clicked a Dusk Ball out of her belt and quickly burst it open. Out of a burst of blinding purple smoke a Girafarig galloped forth, it’s snarling black tail bobbing up and down with each long-legged step.

The Girafarig rushed over to Aderyn, its hooves plopping against the mossy floor, and pressed her head into Aderyn’s stomach in an affectionate head-butt. Aderyn rubbed her hand roughly against the Girafarig’s neck and it cried out cheerfully, the black posterior mouth twisting into a smile and exposing a double row of sharp teeth. Aderyn walked slowly along the Girafarig’s side and swung her right leg over its back, ever careful of the end mouth which was watching her as if thinking of a way to strike. She shifted her weight laboriously and mounted the creature.

Aderyn shifted her weight forward and Palindrome trotted forward into the shore of the water. Boleslav rushed forward into the water in a flash of fire with Conan close behind. The lake ahead was instantly illuminated by Boleslav’s sparking huffs of smoky breath and Conan’s glowing green rings which shone through the darkness like sunlight through a treetop canopy.

Palindrome trotted into the water close behind and jumped into the water. Her legs kicked powerfully against the water, propelling Aderyn forward in small bursts. Jennifer leapt through the water ahead of them, schools of Seaking and Golduck beating a frenzied retreat from her in a churning current. They passed a small island nearby that opened up into the ceiling, but the dried bamboo ladder than originally led up into the second floor of the cave had been ripped apart and torched by some sort of fire Pokémon.

The Girafarig took a turn around a large rock outcropping and Aderyn could see the nearby shore in the light of Boleslav’s torch. Jennifer leapt onto the shore and Aderyn recalled her into her Pokéball from Palindrome’s back. Palindrome clambered onto shore and Aderyn dismounted her, recalling her back into her Pokéball as well.

Conan stepped onto shore, the water dripping off his fur and onto the cold cave floor. He shook like a dog which left his fur flying out in all directions. He trotted to Aderyn’s side and focused on her, waiting for a command. Boleslav trotted out not far behind, his fur so thin that there was barely any water dripping off him.

Aderyn unsnapped Boleslav’s Pokéball and withdrew him in a flash of purple light that temporarily bathed the cave in a flickering light. She glanced around the cave, her eyes now well-adjusted to the darkness. To her left there was a small crater in the center of a rock “hill” as if from a meteor, with only a single island. A ladder extended onto the roof from there and was, unlike the ladder before it, in pristine condition.

Aderyn leapt onto the rock hill, scrambling up the incline with the agility of a Mankey, sending a miniature rock avalanche pouring down behind her. Conan had a much easier time and climbed the hill in two leaps, bouncing off a stone imbedded in the wall and sending it tumbling downward.

The pair leapt down the hill and Aderyn landed perfectly on a single boulder along the edge. She slid off of it and approached the ladder, Conan slinking along behind her. It was an upright bamboo ladder tied in place by old rotting rope that lead to a hole in the ceiling. It was impossible for Conan to climb and she wasn’t going to risk serious injury by attempting to carry him up.

She snapped Conan’s Pokéball off his waist and recalled him into it. As soon as the light faded she felt the slightest inkling of terror in the darkness but she shoved the thought to the back of her mind and gripped the first rung. It creaked and snapped a bit under her weight and she scrambled up the ladder quickly before it could possibly snap under her weight.

The floor above her was quite frankly barren. The floor was covered in light scuff marks which seemed to come from small dark grey boulders that had been pushed along the floor and piled into the corners. The ground itself was scraped clean, unlike the first floor of the cave.

In the center of the room a purple object was suspended in mid-air. The object appeared to be a ball of psychic energy. It emanated an outer dark purple light like a dull sun around the central transparent purple sphere. In the center floating like the core of an atom was the legend Mewtwo. It was curled in a sitting position, its purple tail dangling down like a stilled pendulum. Its chest heaved in the silent breath of a startled predator, and its purple eyes were wide and startling like a cat. It was calculating.

Aderyn flicked out Conan’s Pokéball and cracked it open, the Dark fox Pokémon jumping out in a flash of brilliant red light. The fox landed gracefully, and Aderyn knew that Conan was taking care not to stumble or show a sign of weakness. She felt a sense of inner pride – Conan knew the seriousness of this particular battle and of Aderyn’s determination to capture Mewtwo. She felt that he would show Mewtwo his true power in this duel.

Mewtwo’s bubble disintegrated and Mewtwo stretched outward into a standing position. Aderyn could feel his power – it was like an invisible mist without any density but yet it still flooded your lungs and clouded your mind. Yet, it was more than power. Human intelligence directed Pokémon power into intimidation. It would be like facing a trainer who could control her Pokémon’s power like a puppet master. Aderyn smiled – this would be a most enjoyable fight.

“Conan, give that legend a Mean Look!” she said calmly. Mewtwo’s expression did not change drastically upon the command but Aderyn could see that his eyebrows and eyelids had twitched upward a bit in what she would think to be surprise – and perhaps a hint of a smirk dashed across his face for just a moment? Aderyn thought, her smile creeping wider. So Mewtwo knew the contents of that particular bag of tricks.

Conan’s body grew rigid and the hair upon his back rose like a snarling dog. The neon-blue markings on his arms and legs burned brightly like the light from a star on a cloudless night. His intimidating yellow eyes glowed softly and his pupils widened nearly to diameter of the grey iris. Conan’s breath hitched in his throat and the shadows around his feet appeared to creep forward and meet with Mewtwo’s feet. The dark shadows curled around his bony ankles like the tendrils of a vine and caressed them, his hind paws dangling helplessly.

Miracle Eye. ‡ The voice seemed to come from Mewtwo, but his lips did not move. It was barely a whisper, but Conan’s ears twitched as well, indicating that he had “heard” the voice as well. Mewtwo’s body stiffened and his eyes widened so that only the rim of the purple iris could be seen. The pupil flashed an eerie yellow, like a cat’s from a camera flash, and the legendary Pokémon relaxed, the pupil contracting to its normal size.

Aderyn clicked her tongue softly in irritation. Miracle Eye would allow Mewtwo to attack her Dark type Pokémon using Psychic attacks. Well, if you’re going to play with tricks, Mewtwo, you’ve picked the wrong legend hunter to try that tactic with, she thought. I may not be the Pokémon Master, but I’m the Master of Underhanded Tactics.

“Conan, Baton Pass!” she commanded, cracking Conan’s Pokéball off her belt and snapping it open. A flash of red light exploded outward from the mechanical Pokémon container and withdrew the Umbreon into the Pokéball. Aderyn snapped the Pokéball into place and unsnapped Palindrome’s Pokéball and clicked it open in a fluid motion.

In a flash of dark energy Palindrome leapt out of the Pokéball, hooves clacking against the cold cave floor and head held high. The shadows from Conan’s attack tightened their stronghold around Mewtwo’s ankles and crept to the edges of Palindrome’s shadow as they did with Conan.

“Palindrome, Guard Swap!” yelped Aderyn before Mewtwo could declare an attack. Palindrome’s body relaxed in a split instant, as if all tension had dissipated out of her muscles and that they had all relaxed at once. In a burst of power all her muscles twitched at once, as if she had gone into a seizure. Mewtwo’s body shook like he was experiencing a seizure, his expression contorted in discomfort. It only lasted a few moments before froze, his body hanging like a rag doll with his head tilted upward, staring at Palindrome with a mixed expression of extreme distaste and solemn appreciation.

Guard Swap should have weakened him, thought Aderyn, watching the legend hang there weakly. He still has a powerful attack, but if he does fire off an attack Palindrome’s new defense boost should stand it. She had the cat by the tail, and she was rather enjoying it. Now it was time to clip his claws.

We’ll see about that, ‡ whispered Mewtwo, a faint smile sneaking across his face. ‡ Me first! ‡ Mewtwo’s paws began to glow a soft purple aurora and spread down his arms and across his fur faster than a wildfire, ending with a soft white glow that bobbed at the tip of his tail.

Aderyn bit the tip of her tongue – she would have to choose her next move carefully. “Palindrome, just give that legend a Zen headbutt!” she yelled.

Palindrome’s giraffe-esque horns began to glow a faded yellow and she dipped her long head. She leapt forward and turned her head as she ran, and with a single thrust she slammed the side of her neck horns-first against Mewtwo’s leg. Mewtwo cried out in pain and wavered – he fell to a bent crouch, his arms and legs twitching. Mewtwo couldn’t pull off the move – he was weakened!

Aderyn dug into one of her coat’s pockets and pulled out a compressed Dusk Ball. With a single tap of her left index finger she expanded it into its full size. First one’s the charm, she thought, giving the Pokéball a quick pat for good luck before shifting it to her right hand. She snapped the Pokéball in a perfect throw and it slammed forcefully against Mewtwo’s arm. The Pokéball snapped open and Mewtwo was absorbed by the ball in a flash of purple light.

The legend hunter’s breath caught in her throat as the Pokéball wavered from the force of Mewtwo’s fury. It jiggled once and there was a faint spark of electricity before it twitched again. Aderyn gritted her teeth – it wouldn’t hold out much longer. The ball shattered in a purple psychic explosion and Mewtwo erupted out of it, his face curled in a snarl. ‡ Try again, ‡ he whispered malevolently, his tail thrashing like a whip near the cave floor and stirring up dust and dirt.

Aderyn grabbed another Dusk Ball and popped it open. She had come well-prepared with dozens of these Pokéballs, and she wasn’t planning on stopping until Mewtwo was captured, she ran out of Dusk Balls and she did not succeed in hog-tying Mewtwo with the Escape Ropes she had left in her bag, or one of the shards from the exploding Pokéballs killed her. Death by Pokéball would be a rather interesting pronunciation, she thought.

This time she struck Mewtwo with much more force, slamming the Pokéball against Mewtwo’s temple and causing him to lose his balance. Mewtwo was absorbed by the Pokéball in a flash of purple light once again. The Pokéball landed with a spark against the cave floor right on the hinge, but to Aderyn’s luck it did not break. Instead, it withstood two enormous blasts from Mewtwo, causing the Pokéball to shake and roll. The added Pokéball bonus of night, cave, and low health finally overtook Mewtwo and the Pokéball snapped shut, the indicator light blinking an angry red. Mewtwo was captured.
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  #2  
Old 05-18-2007, 01:23 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Wow...
I must say i enjoyed that part of the story quite a bit. Not alot i can think to improve, but ill keep looking. However it seemed though the plot came to an end to soon. Mewtwo's capture should be saved for later chapters i think.
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  #3  
Old 05-18-2007, 02:03 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

... the fic is infinitely worse than I had imagined. I mean... WTF?!? Mewtwo defeated THAT easily? What the HELL?!? Mewtwo is powerful enough to annihilate ENTIRE CITIES and he get beaten by one mere Umbreon and Girafarig?!? Where's the logic?!? ... and then, mopping the floor with the Elite Four?... and then, the shiny talking Umbreon? Geez.

I don't even need to carry on ; this fic has "wish fulfilment" pasted all over itself. I mean, your character is just a stupid Mary-Sue.

This is just another cliched, boring, insulting "Mewtwo x trainer" fic. Yawn.

Can you abandon this fic and use your talents for something that is actually worth reading, please?

Last edited by Zerophex; 05-18-2007 at 02:53 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-18-2007, 02:59 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
... the fic is infinitely worse than I had imagined. I mean... WTF?!? Mewtwo defeated THAT easily? What the HELL?!? Mewtwo is powerful enough to annihilate ENTIRE CITIES and he get beaten by one mere Umbreon and Girafarig?!? Where's the logic?!? ... and then, mopping the floor with the Elite Four?... and then, the shiny talking Umbreon? Geez.

I don't even need to carry on ; this fic has "wish fulfilment" pasted all over itself. I mean, your character is just a stupid Mary-Sue.

This is just another cliched, boring, insulting "Mewtwo x trainer" fic. Yawn.

Can you abandon this fic and use your talents for something that is actually worth reading, please?

Jeez... be a little nicer. You can say it like this:

This fic isn't really good. Why was Mewtwo defeated so easily? It is a very powerful Pokemon and only got beat by a Girafrig and Umbreon. A shiny talking Umbreon? I just don't get it. I think your character is a Mary-Sue. This is a cliche of the Mewtwo versus trainer fic.

Anyways, I like this fic.
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:39 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
... the fic is infinitely worse than I had imagined. I mean... WTF?!? Mewtwo defeated THAT easily? What the HELL?!? Mewtwo is powerful enough to annihilate ENTIRE CITIES and he get beaten by one mere Umbreon and Girafarig?!? Where's the logic?!? ... and then, mopping the floor with the Elite Four?... and then, the shiny talking Umbreon? Geez.

I don't even need to carry on ; this fic has "wish fulfilment" pasted all over itself. I mean, your character is just a stupid Mary-Sue.

This is just another cliched, boring, insulting "Mewtwo x trainer" fic. Yawn.

Can you abandon this fic and use your talents for something that is actually worth reading, please?
Oh shut up! Its a fan fiction if you didnt notice. Could you be less optimistic? I liked it, however unrealistic it was. So dont listen to this guy.
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Old 05-18-2007, 09:38 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
... the fic is infinitely worse than I had imagined. I mean... WTF?!? Mewtwo defeated THAT easily? What the HELL?!? Mewtwo is powerful enough to annihilate ENTIRE CITIES and he get beaten by one mere Umbreon and Girafarig?!? Where's the logic?!? ... and then, mopping the floor with the Elite Four?... and then, the shiny talking Umbreon? Geez.

I don't even need to carry on ; this fic has "wish fulfilment" pasted all over itself. I mean, your character is just a stupid Mary-Sue.

This is just another cliched, boring, insulting "Mewtwo x trainer" fic. Yawn.

Can you abandon this fic and use your talents for something that is actually worth reading, please?
Ha ha, you admitted he had a talent.

It isn't that bad. Well described, actually. However unrealistic it may be, I can once again remind you that the requirement to be realistic does not exist in the fanfic world. Seriously, is giving negative reviews the only thing you can do? If you're so good, why don't I see a fic by you posted here?
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Old 05-18-2007, 01:12 PM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
... the fic is infinitely worse than I had imagined. I mean... WTF?!? Mewtwo defeated THAT easily? What the HELL?!? Mewtwo is powerful enough to annihilate ENTIRE CITIES and he get beaten by one mere Umbreon and Girafarig?!? Where's the logic?!? ... and then, mopping the floor with the Elite Four?... and then, the shiny talking Umbreon? Geez.

I don't even need to carry on ; this fic has "wish fulfilment" pasted all over itself. I mean, your character is just a stupid Mary-Sue.

This is just another cliched, boring, insulting "Mewtwo x trainer" fic. Yawn.

Can you abandon this fic and use your talents for something that is actually worth reading, please?
This is based on the game, bud, not the Anime. In the game itself, Mewtwo is relatively easy to capture once you've weakened him. In fact, I save before going after any legendary in the game because it is quite easy to FAINT them. Shinies aren't that entirely rare, and hers has relatively poor stats in itself, which was why she got it in the first place. (Notice - used Mean Look, then Baton Pass. No fighting. The Girafarig SWAPPED STATS with Mewtwo) The Elite Four? Pah. In the game you just need to overtrain your Pokemon (which, considering her focus on the search for legends and NOT on breezing through the GYMs as fast as possible, is really not that astounding) to beat them. The Elite Four, particularly in the game, are simply an obstacle. Like school. Hard, but nearly everyone with a fair bit of strength can get through.

What Mary-Suish qualities do you see, based on one chapter? As you will find later, the main character is a pessimistic jerk to most people with very little people skills. (Not to give too much away, but she gets mugged at some time by some weak punks, ties the guys up and pushes them into a fast-flowing RIVER and leaves them to die. Not a kind, caring person.) Her looks are plain at best and creepy at worst. She's not the prettyful happiness and sunshine person of the year, and she's admittedly powerful, which is why Mewtwo is attracted to her in the first place.
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:50 PM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Based on the GAMES?!?

What kind of horrible logic is that?!?

The Elite Four are the LAST BOSSES, they are meant to be the most powerful trainers in the world, who can only be overcame through extreme amounts of training and strategy. Whenever you consider them easy or not doesn't matter ; mopping the floor with them = Mary-Sue.

Same for Legendaries ; I would like to remind you that regardless of their performance battle-wise, plot-wise, they are powerful enough to DESTROY THE ENTIRE WORLD. Your characters beating one so easily = Mary-Sue.

Heck, Pokemon do not speak, they do not have ANY personality in-game... so if you go strictly by this logic, you're still contradicting yourself.

Shiny Umbreon who speaks = Mary-Sue. The Eevee starter is an obvious sign of the Mary-Sue and this is no different.

... and since you're using the Mewtwo from RED AND BLUE (Mewtwo in later games use the ANIME AND MOVIES version)... then why do Mewtwo EVEN HAVE FEELINGS TO BEGIN WITH? He's meant to be heartless ; the scientists managed to make him powerful but failed at giving him emotions other than hatred!

Also, the battle was just... lame.

In the games, attacks DO connect all the time, with no logic whatsoever, without anyone ever dodging. No Pokemon in their right mind would ever stand there and take hits in a realistic or even remotely non-computerized version of the Pokemon World.

Also, if your character is not caring, how come Mewtwo will come to like her AT ALL? If you go by the Red and Blue version, Mewtwo can't love, at all. If you go by the anime/movies/later games version, your character is the prime exemple of what Mewtwo despises the most!

Your fic is just... too flawed.
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Old 05-18-2007, 05:06 PM
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Post Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
Based on the GAMES?!?

What kind of horrible logic is that?!?

The Elite Four are the LAST BOSSES, they are meant to be the most powerful trainers in the world, who can only be overcame through extreme amounts of training and strategy. Whenever you consider them easy or not doesn't matter ; mopping the floor with them = Mary-Sue.

Same for Legendaries ; I would like to remind you that regardless of their performance battle-wise, plot-wise, they are powerful enough to DESTROY THE ENTIRE WORLD. Your characters beating one so easily = Mary-Sue.

Heck, Pokemon do not speak, they do not have ANY personality in-game... so if you go strictly by this logic, you're still contradicting yourself.

Shiny Umbreon who speaks = Mary-Sue. The Eevee starter is an obvious sign of the Mary-Sue and this is no different.

... and since you're using the Mewtwo from RED AND BLUE (Mewtwo in later games use the ANIME AND MOVIES version)... then why do Mewtwo EVEN HAVE FEELINGS TO BEGIN WITH? He's meant to be heartless ; the scientists managed to make him powerful but failed at giving him emotions other than hatred!

Also, the battle was just... lame.

In the games, attacks DO connect all the time, with no logic whatsoever, without anyone ever dodging. No Pokemon in their right mind would ever stand there and take hits in a realistic or even remotely non-computerized version of the Pokemon World.

Also, if your character is not caring, how come Mewtwo will come to like her AT ALL? If you go by the Red and Blue version, Mewtwo can't love, at all. If you go by the anime/movies/later games version, your character is the prime exemple of what Mewtwo despises the most!

Your fic is just... too flawed.


Why such harshness? I see no brilliant fan fics of your own! Fan fictions is about the writers writing skills, it doesn't matter what it's about. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean you have to totally put the writer down! I liked it, I love the writing skills.
The Elite Four are the last bosses...
Ok, how do you know how trainer this character is yet. She could of been training for years! And she has legends!
And also, in the anime I see Meowth speaking quite a lot. Obviously you are death when it comes to his speeches. He learnt because he wanted to, what's to say Umbreon didn't. Plus, what's wrong with her having an Eevee starter. Not everyone, even in the anime, starts with one of the starters.

Just stop being so horrible, if you don't like the story then don't read it and don't spoil it for other people.



And I like the story, (: I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
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  #10  
Old 05-18-2007, 05:15 PM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Well, it's possible your character isn't a Mary Sue, but she is showing many signs of it, including the shiny Eevee starter, capturing Mewtwo relatively easily, and mopping the floor with the E4.

Eevee is not a starter. Eevee is also very rare--not something a new trainer is likely to just find out in the wild by chance. Unless you have a very good reason why she has Eevee that's not "she was special/slept in and was rewarded for it/other cliched, unlikely reason" then it would probably be best to stick to a standard starter or other common Pokemon. Having a shiny Eevee makes things even worse--why give away such a rare Pokemon to a newbie trainer?

Sure, in the games you can catch Mewtwo more or less with no problem, as long as your Pokemon are levelled enough and you have the right moves. I base all of my fanfiction off of the game, mostly because I haven't seen the anime since it was covering the Kanto badges. However, you shouldn't use game mechanics in a story. Levels would be hard to calculate, stats even moreso, and it wouldn't take into account mood, current health, etc. They're legendary Pokemon, you realize--if the Pokemon world were real, they'd be obscenely powerful (in my interpretation, if you said you were going to capture a legendary Pokemon you'd be laughed at, not only because it's suicide, but because many don't believe a lot of them exist). Does this mean in your world you can't capture them? Of course not. But it had better be difficult, or the reader is going to feel cheated.

The Elite Four have a similar issue--in the game they may be fairly simple, but I can also completely finish the game in less than a day if I really want to. Translating game to world, it's going to take months, if not years, to train real creatures to that level of power. Beating trainers who have been working with their Pokemon for years as if they were nothing is also a bit unbelievable.

Another Mary Sue warning is your main character's appearance. She has the standard appearance of a "Goth" Sue, pale skin and trenchcoat included. While not in itself a bad thing, necessarily, it's a sign, just like the other things.

The battle with Mewtwo is interesting--why would Mewtwo announce his attack? It's giving the advantage to the trainer, especially when there's no good reason for it to do so (trainers have to get the message across to their Pokemon, of course, but I've never understood why Pokemon don't learn some sort of nonverbal signals). In a real life fight, would you take turns? What was stopping Mewtwo from blasting that Pokeball out of your character's hand, or blasting your character and getting it over with? The Girafarig used a single attack--that would not bring down Mewtwo, and there was nothing stopping him from stepping out of the way. Your character says Mewtwo is powerful, but there's nothing proving that--he falls to a Girafarig with the use of one attack.

I think you have potential--you're certainly a lot better than a lot of people who attempt to write fanfiction, especially in regards to grammar and spelling (although I admit I didn't check it for those much), which is a relief. The idea of the Pokeball giving a gage of the health of the Pokemon in it via lights is clever. Again, this doesn't mean your character is a Mary Sue, it means she's showing warning signs. There's nothing stopping you from correcting this impression in later chapters. I only give concrit to people I think can improve (I don't really bother dealing with people whose fics have the appearance of one I might have written when I was five), and if you'd like, I can continue giving it. If not, fine by me, just let me know one way or another. =)
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  #11  
Old 05-18-2007, 08:45 PM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post
Based on the GAMES?!?

What kind of horrible logic is that?!?

The Elite Four are the LAST BOSSES, they are meant to be the most powerful trainers in the world, who can only be overcame through extreme amounts of training and strategy. Whenever you consider them easy or not doesn't matter ; mopping the floor with them = Mary-Sue.

Same for Legendaries ; I would like to remind you that regardless of their performance battle-wise, plot-wise, they are powerful enough to DESTROY THE ENTIRE WORLD. Your characters beating one so easily = Mary-Sue.

Heck, Pokemon do not speak, they do not have ANY personality in-game... so if you go strictly by this logic, you're still contradicting yourself.

Shiny Umbreon who speaks = Mary-Sue. The Eevee starter is an obvious sign of the Mary-Sue and this is no different.

... and since you're using the Mewtwo from RED AND BLUE (Mewtwo in later games use the ANIME AND MOVIES version)... then why do Mewtwo EVEN HAVE FEELINGS TO BEGIN WITH? He's meant to be heartless ; the scientists managed to make him powerful but failed at giving him emotions other than hatred!

Also, the battle was just... lame.

In the games, attacks DO connect all the time, with no logic whatsoever, without anyone ever dodging. No Pokemon in their right mind would ever stand there and take hits in a realistic or even remotely non-computerized version of the Pokemon World.

Also, if your character is not caring, how come Mewtwo will come to like her AT ALL? If you go by the Red and Blue version, Mewtwo can't love, at all. If you go by the anime/movies/later games version, your character is the prime exemple of what Mewtwo despises the most!

Your fic is just... too flawed.
I really don't appreciate your tone with me. If you want to sound like an intelligent individual, then you could perhaps not get worked up so much about a fanfiction that's only currently developed as far as one chapter, thanks.

- Mewtwo has a heart, however he was treated so horribly by people he never learned to care for others, which is what the PokeDex referred to as not being given a caring heart.

- Attacks do not connect all the time. They just have a high chance of connecting. If you look at moves such as Tackle, for instance, it does not have one hundred percent accuracy. Psychic attacks are not like fighting attacks - they are done psychically, so they cannot be "dodged." It would be like saying that one could dodge a heat-seeking missle - not going to work.

- What the heck are you talking about? The later games use the same Mewtwo as everyone else. I've checked all the PokeDexes.

- *points to Pokemon Yellow* Rival Eevee starter. 'Nuff said.

- Plot-wise. Yes. Let me remind you that there is a difference between the normal everyday trainer and the professionals. A guy with a tank could feasibly destroy an entire city, maybe two, but when faced against a countries' military he's practically dead. In fact, I remember watching a police show in which a guy with a homemade tank destroyed a few areas of a city and had to be stopped by the military. I'm not bsing, either.

- Oh, yeah. And the Pokemon after the Elite Four in Sinnoh are just the Elite Four's Pokemon run feral, eh? You know, near Turnback Cave?

Heck, Pokemon do not speak, they do not have ANY personality in-game... so if you go strictly by this logic, you're still contradicting yourself.
- Hmmm... *points to Yellow again* Pikachu certainly seems to have quite the personality, huh? And what about the latest games - Quirky, Serious, etc natures? Personalities. And what about that parrot Pokemon, Chatot, that can learn to speak?
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  #12  
Old 05-19-2007, 01:29 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zerophex View Post

Your fic is just... too flawed.
You just got BURNED!!!
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  #13  
Old 05-24-2007, 03:08 AM
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Default Re: Artemis' Gift

...oh dear.


Well, this turned out to be...oh, there's no use in beating around the bush: this turned out to be worse than I expected. I mean, to start with your characters were already unrealistic, but Aderyn is just...well, she's a blatant self-insert with the Angst-Sue look and the "good luck," so to speak, of the typical Mary-Sue. Then we have Mewtwo, who is...not much more than your average Pokémon. Sure, at first he is in his special bubble of awesomeness and there's a power and intelligence radiating off of him, but otherwise he has shown no personality and was taken down quickly and easily by only one attack. Aderyn's Pokémon as well, are flat and are more like tools than living, thinking, breathing creatures.

But thankfully, it was really only mostly the characters that were bad- the rest of it was quite good. The grammar was pretty iffy in some places, and you don't seem to know the proper tenses in which to conjugate verbs (for instance, using Past Continuous instead of just Past, etc.) but was otherwise okay. But again, the general language could use some work- I would advise reading more to get the hang of it, because in some cases you would do something like put an adjective after a noun instead of before it and so on.

The description itself was decent, but not amazing. It’s usually nice to see a description of Pokémon, and I personally think that a character as important and powerful as Mewtwo deserves some physical description, especially since he will later become a central character in the story. Also, we all know that he is very important and precious to Aderyn as she has been chasing after rare Pokémon all her life, therefore she would at least stop for a minute to admire Mewtwo now that she's finally found him. I also found the ‘Mewtwo sitting in a ball’ description to be somewhat weak, and it could have been expanded on to be a powerful, even fear-invoking image for the readers.
I also found that the surroundings could use a bit more description: it just felt like “yeah, here’s a lake, here’s a dark cave” instead of “aw, a pretty lake, oh ew, what a gross, dark cave.” The goal of any author should be to transport their writers INTO the world they are creating, so that instead of just telling the readers that they’re in a cave, the writer instead SHOWS them that they’re in a cave. This is also partly done through emotion.

Throughout the story there was very little emotion portrayed. Perhaps because you were aiming to write in Third Person Limited (basically third person while showing the characters thoughts and emotions) but instead came off as Third Person Objective (a completely neutral way of saying what’s happening). Unfortunately, this would be best told as Limited from Aderyn (and perhaps later switching to Mewtwo)’s point of view so that you could show what they’re feeling and what thoughts are running through their head. This would be your best bet, seeing as it’s somewhat of a romance story and consequently showing us what’s going on in the characters’ heads, which is important in a story that is character-driven instead of plot-driven (as most romance stories tend to be).
Another reason I am suggesting using Third Person Limited is because, well, the story is so hollow right now. Here is Aderyn, this “accomplished” Trainer and also a Legendary Hunter, and finally, here she is right next to Mewtwo, the Pokémon she has been seeking to capture for all these years! Yet, she doesn’t seem excited or eager, she doesn’t seem the least bit nervous or anxious, she has no doubts, no second thoughts and consequently, she’s starting to look more like a robot than a human being.


Of course, Aderyn bugs me for other reasons too. Right now, Aderyn is one of those evil creatures hated throughout the writer’s world, and this is a type of character you seriously want to avoid. She is perfect, has the best luck, has great advantages over other characters, is powerful and has some kind of stereotypical look that is found to be attractive. Yes, I’m sad to say that currently, your darling Aderyn is a Mary-Sue with, even better, some clear self-insert qualities. ;.;

If you don’t believe me or want proof, consider some of the things she has going for her:

-She has the instant Mary-Sue-label; an Eevee starter. And while Gary might have received one in the games, keep in mind that it was his GRANDFATHER giving out starters, and he was just showing favourism to his grandkid, and this is NOT done normally in the Pokémon world.
-Either way, most Mary-Sues tend to receive an Eevee as starters or later own an Eeveelution. It’s the biggest Mary-Sue stereotype out there because Eevee are extremely rare, cute, cool and have aaaallllll those interesting evolutions.

-Mary-Sues often get Shinies right off the bat with no effort involved in getting it. The fact that her Shiny is an Eeveelution only points MORE towards Mary-Sue.

-Her Pokémon can speak! Not to mention that, out of ALL her Pokémon, the one who can speak is the Shiny Umbreon. Come on, you don’t think you’re going a bit overboard in making Conan speshul and rare and unique? Sheesh, as if a NORMAL Eevee wasn’t rare enough as is. :/
-And WHY can he talk, anyway? Because apparently he can’t be sneaky? Because, you know, a lack of sneakiness automatically results in being able to talk Oh, and he can’t be sneaky because his rings are blue instead of yellow? How does that make any sense? Not only are Umbreon great stalkers in the first place despite their yellow-coloured rings, but blue rings are MUCH less bright than yellow ones and would therefore draw much less attention, so I don’t get this ‘disadvantage’ you’re talking about because it looks like more of a plain old ‘advantage’ to me.
-I’ll just stress the point here that her Pokémon is unnecessarily speshul: he can talk for unknown reasons, okay, but what point does this have in the story? Conan spoke ONCE during the first chapter, and what good did it do? What purpose will it have in the story? If I said “none,” would I be right? Probably. -_-

-The world revolves around her. Anything that is not about her is not even mentioned or acknowledged. End of story.

-Her Pokémon are tools: they obey her without question, they do not act in a way she does not tell them to act. they do not communicate and they just don’t have minds of their own. She might as well be wearing a plumber’s utility belt with tools instead of Pokéballs, and every time she needs something done she takes a tool off, uses it and puts it back. Not even a “thank you” or “good job” to these living, breathing creatures, and none of them even do or say anything when they emerge/are sucked back into their Pokéball (not even yell a battle cry). Sure, Palindrome shows a bit of affection towards Aderyn, but why? Her Trainer doesn’t seem to care much for her. :/

-Aderyn is ridiculously strong. Don’t try to deny it: a character who walks away from the Elite Four, the region’s BEST Trainers, whining about how weak they are has to be pretty damn powerful. Few Trainers ever even get all the Gym Badges, but then to take on the Elite Four? NATURALLY, in the games you can beat them with strong enough Pokémon, but a video game is MEANT to be beaten so clearly with enough training you can beat them even if your Pokémon has a type weakness to them.
BUT translate it to real-life. Yes, training Pokémon is fast and easy in the games, but have you ever had a pet dog or cat? They take AGES to train, especially dogs, and that’s not even to make them stronger- just to toilet-train them and discipline them to keep them from biting strangers is a huge hassle in itself! Have you ever seen Air Bud, Beethoven or Friends? In Air Bud and Beethoven, to teach the dogs to do all those tricks takes months, sometimes even YEARS of previous training! Chicken and Duck from Friends first pooped all over the set on their first day there, even though they were trained animal actors!
My point is, translate games to real-life. It’s not the same. Training a dog in real life versus playing Nintendogs isn’t the same- if they tried to make it in real-time, people would get bored and fed up after three days of their Nintendog still peeing on the rug. So they made the game easier than real life.
-Also, on that note, if one person found the Elite Four so easy to beat, why not the rest of the Trainer population? And if this was by game logic, as you claim, then whoever beats the Elite Four becomes Champion (as seen in R/B/Y when your Rival battles you after Lance) and therefore, since Pokémon are as easy to train as you say, the Elite Four would constantly be changing as people keep beating them thanks to their high-leveled Pokémon and so instead of catching Mewtwo, Aderyn would instead be the Kanto Champion.

-Even though Aderyn is strong, even though her Pokémon are powerful and even though Mewtwo is an Uber, a Legendary, a SUPERclone of the powerful Mew, he is caught after being hit by ONE headbutt and is captured on the second Pokéball. I don’t care how strong and skilled Aderyn and her Pokémon are or what status-affecting attacks they used: Mewtwo is an incredibly strong Pokémon, and the fact that he was brought down by ONE attack is ridiculous. Again, I don’t care what the games say- I’m talking about us being realistic for a second here. Let’s say Mewtwo is an elephant and Aderyn is a cat. Now, Aderyn can sharpen her teeth, grow her claws and hone her cat skills aaaaaaall she wants, but the fact of the matter is that a cat can NOT bring down an elephant, as they are huge, have skin too tough to scratch or bite and they can send a kitty flying with a simple flick of their trunk.
So then how could a cat knock and then bring home out an elephant just by biting its leg?
-In other words, at least if it had been a FIGHT rather than a Girafarig headbutting his leg then it could make at least a shred of sense, but one ram in the leg and two Pokéballs won’t usually catch even your wild Gloom. And since Mewtwo > Gloom, I think you made him look like the weak wuss that he ISN’T. All thanks to your messed-up logic that playing a video game is just like real life.



Oh, and on the topic of video-game logic: if this is Game Mewtwo, then that means that he is nothing more than a Pokémon incapable of being anything much more than a fighting animal. The Pokémon in the games aren’t creatures with hearts and souls, and therefore they are incapable of loving. Consequently, Mewtwo will never be able to have feelings for Aderyn and she can’t ever love him as he is nothing more than streams of data and a bunch of pixels with nothing more than a bunch of numbers stating his strength which are then calculated to decide on the power of an attack.

Or if you want to be less technical, he’s just an animal whose intelligence doesn’t surpass that of a four-year-old child and can only show the most basic emotions.
Therefore, YOUR logic means that the shipping in this fic can not possibly exist. By your own logic.





One more general note on the battle: as you know I find it ridiculous for Mewtwo to have been defeated so easily. But to add insult to injury, WHY does Mewtwo say the name of his attacks out loud? Sure, Digimon and Naruto do it, but Pokémon don’t. Especially in the games which this is based off of, but in the Animé, too. The Trainers tell their Pokémon what attacks to use by yelling them, but all Mewtwo has to do is USE the attack. Also, saying what attacks he is using puts him at a severe disadvantage because consequently, his opponent will know what attack is he using and can therefore counter it before he can use it. But then again, he probably did this just so she COULD know what he was doing and more easily counter it. Mary-Sue.

Also, I did not understand one point, where you said:
Quote:
It would be like facing a trainer who could control her Pokémon’s power like a puppet master.
Do you mean:
A) It would be like Trainer and Pokémon were one? or
B) Mewtwo was so powerful that he could easily take control over her Pokémon?

If B, why didn’t he just do that during the battle? It could have been ridiculously easy, and it would have rid him of that Mary-Sue, Aderyn…





My final verdict: the problem is your characters are paper-thin and unrealistic. This fic CAN work out, and it COULD be great, but you’re chopping off its legs by making bad characters in a character-driven story so your fic can’t run or skip or jump or jump or dance and be amazing and beautiful. Even with all its current problems, THIS STORY COULD WORK.

If you overhaul it, change it and listen to your reviewers, this can be a great fic. But by your lack of replies to my other review and your persistence in defending this, I doubt it’ll ever be anything more than a poor self-insert fic.


But me being me, I intend to stick around to see just what comes of my reviews. ^.~


Oh, and once again, I request that Featherdust reply to this herself instead of everyone ELSE jumping to her rescue.

Good luck, hun- you’ll need it. *wonders how much time she wasted typing up a review that's longer than the fic itself*
~Psychic
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Last edited by Psychic; 06-02-2007 at 11:01 PM.
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