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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-20-2007, 02:15 AM
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Default Magikarp Den

Magikarp Den
By rust

It all started with me finding a small cavern in the side of the land. I followed the cave on top of my Swampert, who was surfing around the land of Kanto, taking me from Pallet Town to Cinnibar Island. The journey was long and filled with wild Pokemon. Swampert had fought off many Pokemon on the way here, and ran from others. When I saw this cavern, I saw the glistening of gems from several feet away. I commanded my Swampert to swim inside.

“Swammm,” Swampert said. He cooed at me like he was saying my name, Jonathon. I rubbed Swampert’s head as he swam into the cave, rotating its head around the cave, being the ever-curious Pokemon it was. It stopped when this cavern divided into two. I looked in both, but only saw the gem sparkle in one. I told Swampert to go left. The mudskipper Pokemon turned to the left and continued to rip through the water.

I was ever vigilant for anything out of the ordinary. There was something special in this cave, I could just feel it. It could be a shiny Pokemon, or an item left by past explorers, or even treasure. Whatever it was, I was sure it was certainly worth it to go into this cave. The cave floor was now becoming more and more shallow. Swampert could now walk on the water as opposed to swim.

The water seemingly sank beneath my feet, coming up to only two to three inches deep. I got off of Swampert and began to walk. This certainly was an interesting cave that was for sure. I looked in the water to see several blue stones. I picked one up. Quickly, I came to the realization that it was a Water Stone. They were littered all over the ground. I quickly grabbed them and shoved them into the bag.

There was so much of the cave left to explore. These stones would get me $1,000 each, a pretty hefty profit if I sold them all to a Pokemon Center. If there were Water Stones only a several yards into the cave, there must be more, deeper into the cave. It was amazing to think that this cave could be full of riches.

I continued to walk, but the water became deeper and deeper. I got back onto Swampert’s back and we continued to trudge through the water. The water began to get murkier as we got along. It was full of mud. It was weird. Swampert tried to shake the mud off, which was now sticking to its sleek skin. He picked up one of his arms and shook until he got tired and gave up.

We continued to Surf along the small ravine until we came upon a small ledge. It was the end of the cave. Nothing happened. There was nothing there. At all. It was a waste of time. Fun. Swampert and I were both muddy as hell now, and we still had to get out of this damn cave. Perfect.

“Turn around Swampert,” I said.

“Swam…” Swampert moaned. It moved its body and turned itself around until when we were just about to exit the small room. A Magikarp came up and attacked me. It used Flail attack, barely scratching Swampert’s face. Swampert dropped me off on the small ledge as it began to pound the small, helpless Magikarp.

“Swampert,” I said, “It’s a friggin Magikarp! Don’t waste your time!” Magikarp began to splash about, sending ripple of water ad Swampert. It replied with a Muddy Water attack, sending the glompy muddy water, which had the viscosity of pancake batter, right at the Magikarp.

The orange fish Pokemon was send flying, with red marks from the dirty wave, into a wall. It shouted “KARP!” and slid off the wall. This was a stupid Magikarp, no doubt. It had the nerve to attack a fully evolved, and short tempered, Pokemon. Swampert used an Earthquake attack now, shaking the gloopy water. The stalactites began to fall off the wall as I dodged several. A stalactite then hit the Magikarp in the face, sending it down, deep into the water.

“What the hell?” I asked. Immediately, several more Magikarp emerged from under water. There were now three. They made a joint Flail attack at Swampert, knocking him aback by the blows. Swampert, now angrier than ever, launched a massive tidal wave at the three Magikarp. It was a Surf attack.

The three Magikarps, just like surfers on the beach, were caught in the large wave’s grasp, just less gracefully. The Magikarps flopped and splashed as they hit the cave wall again. There was now a Magikarp imprint in the cave wall. The three crap fish splashed about, trying to come up with a coherent strategy. Unfortunately, Magikarp weren’t know for having the most excellent brain power.

Swampert, being the impatient Pokemon as well as the quick tempered, unleashed a furious Take Down attack on the center Magikarp. It was sent flying at a high velocity at the cave wall. All I could hear was “KARP” before it disappeared. One down, two to go. The other two Magikarp flailed again, scratching Swampert’s chest with their wild attacks.

Swampert grabbed a second one by the gills. He began to clench its fist around the ‘throat’ of the Magikarp. He then choked the air from Magikarp, turning the Pokemon from a bright orange to a dark blue. The Mudskipper Pokemon dropped the cold, dead Magikarp to the ground. It began to sink… Swam with the fishes, if you will.

There was only one more Magikarp. Swampert grabbed this one now and hit it against a rock like the fish was a whip. Blood spewed from the eye of the Magikarp. Swampert threw it at the nearest wall, sending blood flying everywhere. A stray pupil landed in front of me. The impact exploded Magikarp’s eye. How… displeasureable.

I took pity on the poor creature, maybe I can take it to Nurse Joy before it bleeds to death. I grabbed a red and silver sphere and then threw it at the Magikarp, floating on the murky waters. It was engulfed in a red laser energy than enveloped it into the Pokeball. It hit the water. It glowed from underwater, allowing me to see it. It hit bottom and shook once. It shook again. It was maddening. Would Magikarp, the weakest Pokemon of all, escape from the Pokeball…?

Ready for Grading
Total Character Count: 5,855

Last edited by Lord Celebi; 04-20-2007 at 02:38 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-20-2007, 02:23 AM
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Default Re: Magikarp Den (Ready for Grading)

Introduction:
Some random guy with his Swampert surfing everywhere finds a cave.
Well can I say simple? Its a Magikarp enough.

Plot:
A random guy and his Swampert goes surfing around the Kanto region, then they find a cave and they decided to explore. After finding a heap of water stones they get to the end of the cave hoping there was rare Pokemon or some sort of treasure. But there ws nothing and the trainer got angry. Suddenly a group of heapless fish known as Magikarp start attacking Swampert, but they die.
Ok, a pretty random plot some guy goes exploring they find a cave and then boom then find a Pokemon. A very simple plot, but good enough for a Magikarp.

Grammar:
This section was pretty flawless with no or maybe 1 mistake. The 1 mistake was you missed some plurals in the words.

Detail:
The detail here was excellent for a Magikarp, escpecially in the battle with all the blood and guts >:D.

Battle:
LOL, I loved this part, when Magikarps die >:D ahaha. All those stupid Magikarp gets creamed by Swampy, excellent!


Length:

Almost 6k, more than enough for a dead Fish.

Outcome:
Ahaha i loved reading your story, the Magikarps die in the end. With you simple plot and not many grammar mistakes added on with a excellent battle this is pass. Magikarp Captured. Write more plox >:D. I want to see this blood and guts in your future stories haha. (Not really :P)
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Last edited by Ketamine; 04-20-2007 at 04:42 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-22-2007, 03:52 AM
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Default Re: Magikarp Den

The glowing silver and red Pokeball continued to shake and shake, until stars flew out of the open button. The Magikarp had been caught. It was really an easy capture, nothing to it really. Magikarp is known as the crap fish Pokemon, because it sucks. It evolved into Gyarados though, which was really good. I got back onto Swampert and left the Pokeball under water. There was no use in taking it. It isn’t worth my time to train such a weakling of a Pokemon. If anyone else comes in here, they can have it.

Swampert began to move slowly but surely through the mud. My clothes were muddy now from the battle. It wasn’t all that fun. I’d have to get some clothes out of my Item Storage box when I got to Cinnabar. Hell, I have to take a shower when I get to Cinnabar. I have mud in places I didn’t even know I had.

The mudskipper Pokemon continued to move through the muddy water, its arms sticking with each step. We sped through the mud and got back to the shallower water. I got off Swampert and we began to walk back to the entrance of the cave. When the water got deep again, I got back onto Swampert.

Finally, we exited the cave. It felt so good to be exposed to sunlight again. The Wingulls were chirping, and the Tentacool were flopping. It was all peaceful again. I looked to the south to see Cinnabar Island in the distance. Cinnabar was an island town with a volcano in it. Blaine’s gym used to be on top of the volcano, but it was destroyed when the volcano erupted and took out part of Cinnabar and Fuschia. Blaine relocated to the Seafoam Islands. It was rumored that Articuno lived in the Seafoam Islands, but Blaine hasn’t seen or heard anything while operating his gym there.

Swampert finally made it to the shore of Cinnabar. I got off of Swampert as my shoes hit the soft white beach sand that surrounded the island of Cinnabar. It certainly was relaxing. I noticed several people in bathing suits lounging in the sun. I looked quite ugly covered in mud actually, so talking to them would probably be a bad idea.

I returned Swampert to his Pokeball and went into the Pokemon Center. I quickly accessed my box and I selected a pair of clothes that I had stored in there. In a small teleporter under the screen, my clothes had appeared, teleported to me. I quickly grabbed them and entered the PokeCenter bathroom, which was more of a rest stop for traveling trainers. There were lockers, showers, toilets, sinks, and even a sauna. I had no time for the sauna now, but I made a note to come back later.

I quickly claimed a locker and then cleaned up. After I got out of the shower, I put my fresh new clothes on and dropped the other clothes off at the PokeCenter’s dry cleaner, along with a few dollars to pay for them to be cleaned. This was usual stuff I did at the Pokemon Center.

I left the PokeCenter, leaving a small tip in the tip jar and continued on my quest. I got onto Swampert and took off eastward, towards Blaine’s gym. Although I have his badge, I can certainly train there. Where better to train my Swampert than at a fire gym?

I noticed a small strip of land in the distance. I quickly wondered what was there, and had my Swampert go there. If nothing, at least I can have Swampert take a break while I have a small snack.

“Swammm,” Swampert cooed my name again, agreeing to go. Swampert dashed off to the strip of land, wanting a snack himself. I dug through my bag and found a small tin of PokeFood, Magikarp Surprise, just what a growing water Pokemon needs. I read the nutritional facts on the back while waiting for Swampert to get to the island.

Hmm… Artificial Perservatives, sugar, salt, trans fats… Maybe I shouldn’t be buying this stuff. While reading the ingredients list and learning many new words for ‘sugar’ I felt a sudden stop, a bump, and then I fell off Swampert. I instinctively doggy paddled, and got back onto Swampert. A Tentacool had attacked Swampert. The mudskipper Pokemon quickly went to the strip of land and let me down. There was a small coconut tree. That would be a healthier snack then this PokeFood.

Swampert used a Take Down attack on Tentacool, knocking the jellyfish-like Pokemon several feet back. Tentacool responded with a Poison Sting attack. Swampert used Dive to avoid the Stingers, and came up under Tentacool, sending it flying into the air. Tentacool landed on Swampert’s head and wrapped its tentacles around Swampert’s neck.

Meanwhile, I was climbing the coconut tree to try and get the coconuts. I shinnied up the tree, like climbing a rope in Physical Education class, to grab a coconut, but an Oddish fell on my head. I fell out of the tree, and subsequently, the PokeFood case fell out of my pocket. It hit the ground and opened. The Oddish began to eat the junk PokeFood.

“Friggin Oddish!” I said, releasing my Magmortar, “Flamethrower!”

-

Swampert grabbed both of Tentacool’s tentacles and began to pull them off its neck. It finally was released from the jellyfish Pokemon’s grasp, but not without a big red choke mark around its neck. Swampers grabbed both tentacles and began to pull them in either directions, splitting the Pokemon in half. Tentacool exploded piñata style, spreading Poison Stingers and blood everywhere, just like a real piñata.

Immediately, two other Tentacool came up behind Swampert and grabbed him. Swampert began to pull on these new Tentacool, who were obviously trying to avenge their friends’ death.

Magmortar unleashed burning fury on the Oddish, setting it on fire. Oddish ran around, trying to get the fire off, until I kicked the damn Pokemon like a soccer ball. A flaming soccer ball. It flew into the water and hit one of the Tentacools Swampert was fighting on the head. The Oddish got a fistful of Poison Stingers, and fell into the water. It probably drowned to death.

The Tentacool that was hit by Oddish fell into the water, knocked out. Only one Tentacool remained. Swampert used Bide, storing its energies inside itself. Tentacool used its Poison Stingers again, but they were blocked by the energy Swampert was emitting. Finally, Swampert unleashed a blast of white energy, flying everywhere. The Tentacool was sent flying to the island I was on.

Magmortar used an Ember attack on the Tentacool and it was knocked out. I threw a Pokeball at it, seeing as it was a great chance to catch another crappy Pokemon. The ball hit, engulfing the jellyfish Pokemon in red energy, until it was enveloped by the ball. The ball began to shake. Once. Twice.

Shakashakashaka…

Ready for Grading
Total Character Count: 6,570
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  #4  
Old 04-23-2007, 11:58 PM
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Default Re: Magikarp Den

Alrighty, Grading time ^^:

Plot: Heh, you're headed towards Blaine's Gym in order to Train your Swampert, but along the way you're set upon by Tentacool. It's the tried-and-true plot of being randomly attacked by a Pokemon. Not original, but Tentacool is Simple, so the easy plot is Passable.

Length: A little over 6k, which is enough for a little Cool. However, maybe try making it a bit longer next time, like around 7k. I know you can do it, because I'm pyschic like that ^^.

Detail: Meh, this part was lacking pretty badly. There were no real descriptions of any of the Pokemon, attacks, or areas. I'm pretty big on details, so I might seem kinda harsh, nagging you about it like this. However, I cannot Pass this part because there simply aren't enough telling features.

Next time, try describing what the Pokemon look like, how they use their moves. Describe the heat from Magmortar's intense, crimson-red Flamethrower; the awesome, life-endangering, full-force slam from Swampert's furious Take Down attack. You get the idea.

Grammer/Spelling: Your spelling was very good, though you should have capitialized the 't' in Trans fat, and you misspelled Swampert as Swampers. Also:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You
Swampers grabbed both tentacles and began to pull them in either directions...
Quote:
Originally Posted by "Should have been"
Swampert grabbed both tentacles and began to pull them in either direction...
You didn't need the 's' at the end of direction.

However, your grammer was a little, excuse the pun, rusty. You switched back and forth between tenses several times:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You
If anyone else came (comes) in here, they could (can) have it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
It was rumored that Articuno lived in the Seafoam Islands, but Blaine hadn’t (hasn't) seen or heard anything while operating his gym there.
My corrections are bolded, and what you had is in paranthesis. You started the story in the past tense, so you should keep it that way throughout the whole story. This helps keep readers from getting confused. The only time you should switch tenses is when you're doing a flashback, or something similar.

Battle: Eh...the battle was, to be honest, rather disappionting. It was short and not described very well, even for a Tentacool. However, the fact that you had your char's Swampert fighting multiple Pokemon again is a saving factor for you. I'll Pass this, since it's for a Tentacool, but I just want you to know that you're boredline on this area.

Outcome: Tentacool Captured, but just barely. Remember, an engaging plot and a solid battle are the most important factors for getting a Grade that catches your target Pokemon. Lots of good senory details don't hurt, either. Have fun with your jellyfish thingy.
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Last edited by Dog of Hellsing; 04-24-2007 at 12:22 AM.
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