Mystery dungeon Team Outkast ready for duty

[jayrod 123]

ok im playing mystery dungeon during this so yea...im going to be righting down my stuff still andim going to make it more intresting.so lets begin.any way its mostly about jerrod


Proluge the begining.

"Welcome!"said a voice from nowhere"This is the portal that leads to the world of Pokemon"


"Do you like to imagine things for your amusment?"said the voice"Yes,what the hell is this anyway?"asked Jerrod "Does it matter" "Yea"

"Anyways...You broke a rotten egg in your room!What will you do?"What the hell is this queston for? who will do that""Just answer it!"Ok Take a sniff first"
"Can you sincerely thank someone""hell no"
"On vacation outings,you want to..."Go with others"
"You come across a treasure chest!What will you do?""Open it"
"What do you do with your rooms lights?"turn off"
"there is an alien invasion! what will you do?"fight"you lose and the aliens want you to rule will you?""yes"Finally are you a boy or girl""do i sound like a girl""*ahem*yes"the voice whispered'boy"Jerrod finally said"ok drum roll your a Torchic!"said the voice"but i hate Torchic's"Jerrod said"well to f**king bad"said The voice"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!.."said Jerrod "You pick the partner"said the voice"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!oh ok uh Squirtle""whats his name"said the voice"umm how 'bout Jake""now go and be gay"(where am i?)"hey wake up"said ???"5 more minutes mommy""i said wake up""Holy S**t a talking pokemon"Yelled Jerrod"so what your a talking pokemon anyways im Jake,who are you i never seen you""My names Jerrod""Jerrod what kind of name is that Human!Ha."said Jake lmaoing till death!"i am human""ha!good one your funny""help i lost my baby kangouskhan help"please rate and crap i need some people to post before i right any further.

[AshMistyMayfan]

As pro wrestler Ron Simmons would say upon reading all this...

DAMN! and DAMN!

Such action, drama, use of the language, that is ultra cool!
I'm waiting for the Dungeon sequel before I take a crack at it. If I can put it on video tape, I'd have a great story.

[Shiny Loser]

Uhm.

I dont think it's that good. Press Return every time someone new starts speaking. And space out your story, it looks a lot better.

Also, you need punctuation. Like periods *.* and commas *,*.

Work on your spelling too.

[Neo Emolga]

For an eleven year old, you sure know a lot of swear words… @.@

It’s really not good at all. The formatting makes it pretty difficult to read, understand who is speaking, what is really happening, and why this has all happened. The reflections on the protagonist are very slight whims, most of it is very rushed dialogue, and there appears to be a very high lack of substance in the storyline. Also, it seems to get a lot of what happens in the game confused with the intended story you want to create. Having this creates of problem of not being able to understand and differentiate between the two.

Meanwhile, the grammar, spelling, and formatting need a lot of work. If you really want people to be interested in your story, you need to make it presentable, interesting, original, and very carefully constructed. Unfortunately, I can definitely say this isn’t any of these.

Try reading this guide and it should give you a very clear outlook on how to approach this. I’ve seen several authors on this site go from writing a not-so-great story toward writing total masterpieces. If you keep committed and really work at improving yourself, you can definitely be the same.