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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 03-28-2007, 11:32 PM
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Default Lilac Wind---[x]

A gentle breeze whirled by, gently ruffling the long, shin-high grass that covered the hilly land. Everywhere was green. Almost too green. So green, it seemed like these hilltops were sucking in all the green around them. Small pools of water, ranging from crystal-clear to muddy black, dotted the landscape. The sky was the bluest of blues. Clouds dotted it like a Cotton Spore attack, not that Crystal had ever seen one.

The ten year old girl was lying down in the grass, her pure-white hat the only visible part of her body. Her serene blue eyes were closed, her whole body almost unresponsive as she lay in a deep, calm sleep. A small brown body was curled up on her light blue, woolen pullover. Her hand was still resting on the sleeping Pokemon's head.

Dreams. Something she almost worshipped, as long as they were good ones. The dream she was having... could be either. She was sitting in ink-black grass, watching the ink-black sky. Everything was black. But she didn't mind, and she didn't mind how the stiffly cut grass was scratching at her legs, or that her hat was sideways. Her eyes were captivated by the swirls of pink and orange and... and more colors than she could possibly name. She loved it. But the more and more she tried to stay in the dream, the more and more it slipped away, like water running through your hands...Crystal awoke to the sound of grass humming in tune with the wind. Her hat had fallen off, revealing her messy and unkept brown hair.

She sat up, causing the Eevee to slip down onto the ground. With a confused mutter it blinked a few times and looked around.Crystal looked around too. For a fleeting moment she wondered where she was; on the welcoming hillside so far from home. Then she grasped herself fully from the scattered shards of her dream and remembered - she was heading off to the next town, somewhere called Lavender Town.

The blue-eyed girl paused for a second before dropping back down onto the hay-like grass, arms outstretched. She sighed, a little sheepishly, and rolled over onto her side. The Eevee padded over to her and lied down at her side.

"Mmmm..." Crystal mumbled. "The sun feels so good, ne Kuri-Chan?" she asked the Eevee, closing her eyes again.

"Eee..." Replied the little Normal-type. Crystal cherished her, more than any diamond or sapphire. Kuri and her had already established such a tight bond, they loved each other so much that you would think that they had been born together, rather than just met a few weeks ago. Their personalities contrasted perfectly - Crystal, the shy, quiet, yet still somewhat outgoing girl, and Kuri, the hyper and loyal Eevee.

As she was resting there, Crystal began to wonder - were Pokemon as smart as humans? They could obviously hurt, but could they feel gratitude? Or was that beyond their thinking possibilities? Could they learn to talk? Did they understand what humans said to them - human speech? Or were they silent and could only understand each other? So many mysteries surrounded Pokemon, and she wished she could solve them all...

"I wish you could tell me everything," she whispered to Kuri. "About your powers, your wishes, you dreams...."

Dreams. Did Pokemon dream? What did they dream about? Crystal grunted and made a sour face. Why do humans say that they're so smart, when they can't even figure this out? Her mind, usually so confined, had opened up to all the questions. Instead of a strait, paved-out path, she saw a rugged one, full of twists and turns. Now, instead of bumping around in her head, the words shot out, farther and farther... until they touched the Cotton-Spore clouds. Crystal almost felt as if she was losing thoughts faster than she was gaining them.

Later, Crystal could never be sure how much time she spent there - minutes, hours, days. Time seemed worthless here, on the grassy hillside that, for all she cared, go on forever.

Crystal's attention returned when she noticed a clump of gras that was rustling more violently than the others. A puzzled expression on the young girl's face, she crept over to it. One step. Now two. Don't be hasty. Don't be slow. Stop. No, go.

In the grass was a small, purple Pokemon. Its skin was almost the color of those flowers-those vibrent, good smelling flowers her mother had always had in a vase at home. A celedon-colored, mushroom like cap hid the Pokemon's eyes from her, and for a secong Crystal wonderd how it saw. But the thought dissolved as her curiosity grew. For a little while, Crystal watched it go about it's buisness. She didn't dare breath. It took all her courage to move her leg, and then step forward...

But even this movement was too much. The magenta-red horns on the Pokemon's head quivered and the Pokemon - obviously a Ralts - lifted it's head just enough so that Crystal could see her pinky eyes. Such beautiful eyes!

"Rall! Ral-Ralts!" The Pokemon cried, jumping up at Crystal with her arms outstretched. "Ralts!"

Crystal winced as the Pokemon bounced onto her head and sent her tumbling clumsily over. Luckily, the grass was soft and nice to land on - she wasn't hurt. A strange new fire began to burn inside her as Crystal picked herself up and dusted off her clothes. This Pokemon was wild, and it could be caught!

"Go, Kuri!" She yelled, almost forgetting that her Pokemon was already outside her Pokeball. The spunky Eevee ran swiftly and faced the Ralts, standing at almost half the height of the wild Phychic-type. Crystal blinked. This would be a tough battle, considering not only the size, but also the Pokemon types.

"Ralts!" The Phychic-type yowled as it charged at Kuri. "Ralts, Ralts!"

At first Crystal didn't understand the Pokemon's free action. She was so used to hearing a human call out an attack, and then knowing how to counter it...

"Eee!" she heard Kuri scream. The Ralts was whamming into her full-speed, sending her whipping through the spring air.

"Kuri!" Crystal called. She paniced. What could she do? "Kuri! Try to... Try landing on your feet!"

The faithful Eevee tried. She must have been five feet into the air by now, and approaching the ground fast. She struggled and twisted, but it was too late. With a dull thud, she fell to the ground.
But the battle was still young, and one nasty fall couldn't stop her - Kuri got up and waited for commands from her trainer.

"Kuri! Sand-Attack!" Crystal commanded.

Kuri, with a somewhat menacing smile, turned away from the Ralts. Yowling out in triumph, as if Sand-Attack were the most amazing thing, she began to spray up dust and debris. Her tail swished this way and that to direct the cloud at Ralts.
But before it could do any lethal damage, it blew away, leaving Ralts unharmed.

"What?" cried Crystal. Of coarse. The wind was blowing. How could she be so stupid and ignorant?

"Ralt! Raalts!" Ralts didn't wast a second. In a flash, a dark ball of almost black energy was spiralling towards Kuri.

"Dodge, Kuri!"

Powerful as the attack was, Kuri was fast and nimble on her feet.Without a second thought, she jumped away from the attack.

"Quick Attack!" Crystal told her promptly. If this Pokemon was fast and wise with attacks, she would have to try even harder - and beat Ralts at her own game.

Unlike Sand-Attack, Quick Attack was effective, at least more effective than Crystal would have guessed. Kuri was determined not to miss this time.

"Raaaaaalts!" As she was flying backwards, and Crystal's Eevee was regaining her footing, Ralts emitted a ferocious screech. Crystal screamed in unison, clamping her hands over her ears. Kuri struggled for her firm grip on the soft soil, but her claws gave way. The small fox-like Pokemon tumbled backwards, rolling repeatedly over herself.

As she was on the ground, Ralts bowed its head. For a heartbeat, Crystal though it had given up - but just as she was reaching for a Pokeball, somthing happened. Kuri was swaying this way and that, her eyes glued on Ralts like a fly on flypaper. All at once, Kuri fell asleep.

"Kuri! Wake up!" Ralts had used Hypnosis. Now her Pokemon was just lying there, open to attacks and any other kind of hurt. Oh, why hadn't she stocked up on Awakening at home? She didn't wonder about it for too long, anyway. Her Pokemon had to be woken up! "Kuri!"

Ralts seemed pleased with herself. The purple Pokemon charged at Kuri, then repeatedly punched her. Again and again, over and over, until Crystal's precious Pokemon was covered with bruises.

"Nooo!" Crystal yelled. Crystal considered running into the grass and scooping up her Eevee, but that was out of the question. Kuri got up, her sides heaving, one eye closed as she winced in pain. Meanwile, Ralts took this time to her advantage. A violet ray of light shot out from Ralt's hands.

"Psybeam!" Another voice gasped. Crystal looked around. Who had said that? Before she could think about it properly, Kuri let out a scream.

"Eeeee!"

A rustle of grass and a whisp of a brown sweater. The rest of the figure was hidden, but Crystal could just barely see her long, blond hair as she threw somthing at Kuri. At first, Crystal thought that the girl was trying to catch Kuri - but then she realized that it was not a Pokeball that she had thrown, but a bunch of deep blue berries. And they didn't hit Kuri; they landed in front of her. Almost as if it was instinct, Kuri started munching on the berries, and then stood up tall. The berries had cured her?

"Go, Plusle!" The girl, who Crystal ciould see more clearly now, threw a Pokeball. In a flash of blindingly red light, a small yellow Pokemon apeered. "Helping Hand!" The girl was much taller and looked older than Crystal, and by the strength of the spark that Plusle was shooting at Eevee, she had probably been training Pokemon for quite some time. She wore a pale grey vest over her heavy chocolate brown sweater, and her jeans looked worn and old.

Crystal's attention turned back to the battle. Kuri seemed more pumped than ever, and it even seemed to spark with electrical energy. "Helping Hand..." she whispered. She'd seen her big brother use that move before. "Go! Kuri, use Body Slam!" She yelled to her Eevee.
Despite her small size, Kuri's Body Slam was devistation. She jumped up and barreled into Ralts, who crashed into a nearby tree.

"That's it, Kuri!" Crystal cheered, new hope welling up inside her. "Finish it off with a Bite!"

Kuri lashed out at Ralts, teeth beared. But Ralts came to it's senses and, at the last possible momment, she jumped away and aimed another Phybeam at Kuri.

"Kuri, quick! Jump out of it's path and try Bite again!" Kuri did as she was told, fastening her teeth onto Ralts's leg. When she let gom Ralts was out cold.

The small Eevee squealed in delight, as did her owner. Crystal embraced Kuri with all her might, petting and rubbing her toasty fur.

"Thanks," chirped Crystal, taking her eyes off the overly excited Pokemon and looking at the girl. "I'm Crystal. And this is Kuri," she gestured with her eyes to Kuri, whose fur was sticking up in all directions. She was about to burst with pride. Thier first wild Pokemon Battle!

"Vannessa," She replied. "You'd better throw a Pokeball at that, and quick." she added, pointing to the Ralts.

"Oh, Jeez," Crystal yelped, almost dropping Kuri. She put her first Pokemon down on the grass and fumbled stupidly around her bag, until her hands closed around a red-and-white Pokeball. She threw it at the knocked-out Ralts.

Ever scince she was a little girl, Crystal had imagined this momment. The drums beating. The sun shining. The tiny boop-boop of the Pokeball as it wiggled with the stuggleing Pokemon. Everything seemed intact, only the blood in her ears seemed to be her only substitute for the drums. Crystal didn't mind the least.

"Pa Puru," she whispered, mimicing the Japanese word for 'Purple', as if that woul effect her outcome. "Pa Puru..."

Character Count; 12k
Characters Needed; 10k
Pokemon; Ralts
Story; First
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Last edited by MewCrystal; 03-29-2007 at 11:52 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-29-2007, 01:33 AM
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Default Re: Lilac Wind---[x]

Story: It seems like the basis of almost all first stories posted here, but this was a little different. I like the emphasis on 'dreams', especially when wondering if Pokemon have them. I don't think I've seen that put down in any story here, so I suppose I can give you points for originality. :)

The battle made up the majority of this story, which you should watch out for. Usually, with successful captures, there's a good ratio of plot to battling. I think that the story should ultimately be more important than the battle itself, and depending on the Pokemon, it should not not be quite as long. Your tale seemed to be half of a post, then the battle was close to twice that - really, it should be about 50-50 to 60-40, at least in my opinion. This is your first story, though, and it really isn't bad at all. The length of the battle, although it was strongly written, just engulfed everything else.

Spelling/Grammar: You did good here, considering you used Notepad. I recommend MS Word, by the way, since it does spacing for you and is able to spot out errors. I found a few words where it seemed like you just pressed the wrong key ("secong", "gom"), which were the only things I could find, really. You have a nice grasp of grammar and spelling, it seems, so give yourself a pat on the back. Many writers here seem to have trouble with comma usage and sentence structure, but I found nothing like that.

Length: It seems a little short for Ralts (I thought she needed around 15,000 to 20,000 characters), and the battle was long compared with everything else, but it was your first story and it was pretty good, so no complaints here.

Detail/Description: Great; I was able to picture the hillside the main characters were on and just about everything else, which is what needs to be done. Detail was thrown everywhere throughout the story, not just in the first few paragraphs or in random spots like I've seen other people do. If I have to be nitpicky, however, here is one thing...

Quote:
Everywhere was green. Almost too green. So green, it seemed like these hilltops were sucking in all the green around them.
Wow, so many 'greens'. I'm sure you know there are stronger words that could be used for that word - jade, emerald, apple, and so on. Try to think of colors as not just colors, but other descriptions, like brown as 'chocolate'. It may seem minor, but this has always helped me with making stories more detailed and interesting to read.

Battle: It was huge, as I said before. It was well written and full of attacks and descriptions, despite the fact I feel it totally ate up the story!

Eevee and Ralts had a fair match, although it seemed Ralts held the advantage for awhile, which I think she would. A nice variety of moves and actions were used ("sailed through the air", "barrelled", "fastened her teeth into", etc.), and the use of several were clever. Sand Attack failing because of the wind was something I haven't seen done, and aiding your Pokemon by having Plusle use Helping Hand was another great move - instead of just going all offensive, you actually stick some strategy into your story, and this is probably the strongest section of your story, even though it's so overwhelming. This was a really good first story, and I do hope you write more.

Outcome: Ralts Captured! - Try to even the plot and battle ratio so one isn't more glaring over the other. :)
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Last edited by Seawolf; 03-29-2007 at 06:23 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-29-2007, 11:55 AM
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Default Re: Lilac Wind---[x]

Is that any better? I edited it. And that's the last time I use Notepad to write my stories.

As for the spaces, did you mean spaces between Paragraphs? 'Cause that's what I did. My friend has this annoying habit of never putting spaces after her punctuation, and I thought you were talking about that. :\
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:52 PM
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Default Re: Lilac Wind---[x]

Quote:
Originally Posted by MewCrystal View Post
Is that any better? I edited it. And that's the last time I use Notepad to write my stories.

As for the spaces, did you mean spaces between Paragraphs? 'Cause that's what I did. My friend has this annoying habit of never putting spaces after her punctuation, and I thought you were talking about that. :\
It's fine, sorry, I just have REALLY horrible eyes, so it was hard for me to read. I'll edit the other post with my grade in a moment. :)
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