Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 03-25-2007, 04:06 AM
Ketamine's Avatar
Ketamine Offline
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,514
Send a message via AIM to Ketamine
Default Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

~~~~Chapter 1- Joe is Off~~~~

Joe an average 14 year old boy was excited by the fact that he would be getting his first Pokemon today. Joe was about 5 feet tall not short for his age, he had tan brown skin and a couple of odd moles on his face. Living in the Hoenn Region the age you can get your first Pokemon was 10 but Joe's parents thought that it would be too young of him to be out and traveling across the region on his own. Joe lives in Littleroot Town a small peaceful town with the population of under 30 people next door to Joe is Professor Birch who is the person that gives out starter Pokemon to children. Joe was thinking all night which one should he get. A Mudkip the Water/Ground Mudfish pokemon, a Torchic a Fire/Fighting Baby Chicken Pokemon or a Treeko a Grass Geko Pokemon.

It was 9am and Joe was all ready and dressed for his first Pokemon. He ran to the Professors lab without any breakfast hoping that there was atleast 1 Pokemon left for him to choose. Joe entered the Lab, there was a strange aroma floating around in the air as if he just had a bunch of roses shoved in his face. Then he saw what was 3 beautifully coloured Shroomrish spreading spores all around the room. The lab was also beautifully made. The walls was covered with pricey oak panels and the floor look very clean and was covered by strange but interesting tiles. After walking a bit more into the room he saw several computers and sitting in a big grey office computer chair was Professor Birch.

"Oh, Hi Joe." Professor Birch said, "Have you come for your first Pokemon?"

"Yes." Joe answered, "Please tell me that there is still 1 Pokemon left for me to take?"

"Oh silly Joe!" Professor Birch said, "There has always been a Pokemon for you!"

"Really?" Joe said in suprise.

"Yes, Yes, Yes." Professor Birch said, "Now follow me to my main lab to where you will choose one of the three starter Pokemon for new trainers."

Joe followed Professor Birch to his main lab when he entered he saw the many hundred of Pokeballs.

"These Pokeballs belong to the Trainers that store there not used Pokemon with me." Professor Birch said, "As you can see there is over 100 Pokeballs just in the first row."

"Wow if I could be that successful." Joe said and dreamed that one day he would capture all the Pokemon in the world.

"Well here we are." Professor Birch said as he pointed to Glass case and inside were 3 Pokeballs, "The First Pokeball, the one of the very left contains Treeko the grass type, the one on the middle is Torchic the fire type and last but no least the Pokeball on right is Mudkip the water type and remember choose wisely as you can not change your Pokemon."

"I have been thinking about this for a while now and I i will choose Mudkip the Mudfish pokemon!" Joe said in excitement as he will be getting his first Pokemon.

"Okay Joe heres your Mudkip." Professor Birch said as he handed Joe the Pokeball.
"Yes! I have my first Pokemon!" Joe shouted out loud.

After getting his Pokemon Joe went back home packed his bags and said goodbye to his Mum one last time.

Joe walks to the end of Littleroot Town and said goodbye and went and started his Adventure.

~~~~Chapter 2- Wurmples Web~~~~

After walking a Fair bit outside of Littleroot training his Mudkip, Joe decided he should try to find the next Town. Joe remembered that his Mum packed a Map for him. He opened the map and saw that the next town was Oldale Town. Joe was going great that was until he reached a path that was covered in String and was very sticky.

"Mudkip clear up that string with Water Gun!" Joe said, Mudkip has just learnt Water Gun as when Joel first got him it only knew Tackle.

Mudkip shoot a powerful blast of Water but it totally missed the Cob webs but instead hit Joe square on the head.

"Ouch... Kippy we have to work on your aim." Michael said as he mouth was half full with water, "Lets try another Water Gun but this time aim it and don't use too much power."

Mudkip tried Water Gun again but this time it hit the Web and cleared up half of it.
"Good work Kippy!" Joe said.

After all the web was cleared up an angry Wurmple dropped from a tree after watching Joe and Kippy clear out its web and home.

"Wow thats Wurmple!" Joe said as he stuck his PokeDex at it.

"Wurmple the worm Pokemon." Dexter said, "Wurmples just love making webs but if you destroy there web it will get angry and attack."

"Well since this is my first meeting with another Pokemon i will try to catch it." Joe said, "Go Pokeball!!"

Joe threw the Pokeball and it hit Wurmple in a Flash of Red light a force sucked Wurmple into the Pokeball it wiggled once, twice and trice but it was not captured as it jumped out of the Pokeball.

"What?" Michael said, "Did i do something wrong?"

"When you try to catch a wild Pokemon you have to weaken it with your own before attempting to catch it." Dexter said by itself.

"Well ok, Go Kippy." Joe said as he threw Kippy's Pokeball in the air. "Kippy use Tackle!"
Kippy ran up to Wurmple and attempted to tackle it but Wurmples speed was too much and made Kippy run into a tree. Joe could see that Kippy took some damage running into a tree.

"Kippy are you ok?" Joe asked, "Try to use tackle again!"

Kippy then again ran up Wurmple but half way there Kippy looked Confused and hit another tree.

"Oh No, Kippy is confused." Joe said, "Shake it off Kippy and use Mud Slap."

Kippy shoke off this Confusion and aimed a nicely timed Mud Slap at Wurmple and this time it Hit, but straight after it hit Wurmple got up and countered with Tackle.

"Kippy finish it off with a Super fast Tackle!" Joe said.

Kipp then ran full speed at Wurmple and recklessly charged at it and this time Mudkip was too fast for Wurmple to dodge and it was a direct-critical hit and Wurmple was down and out.

"Good work Kippy." Joe said, "Pokeball go!"

Michael then threw a Pokeball at the injured Wurmple and in a Flash of red Wurmple was again sucked into the Ball. The Pokeball wiggled once,twice, trice and Wurmple was ........

Character Count: 6126
To Catch: Wurmple


Last edited by Ketamine; 04-05-2007 at 10:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2007, 08:04 PM
Razzmatazz's Avatar
Razzmatazz Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: BTL, CT
Posts: 2,122
Send a message via AIM to Razzmatazz
Default Re: Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

Story - A new Trainer gets their first Pokemon, begins their adventure and stumbles upon a Wurmple, deciding to capture it. A basic storyline, but it’s for one of the simplest of Pokemon, so it works here.

Grammar and Spelling - This area was probably the biggest problem. There are many small spelling problems throughout, and if you had used Microsoft Word to type your story you could have fixed them all with spell-check. Grammar was a bigger problem, notably your punctuation. When you pause in the middle of a sentence, and pick up again with “and” or “but,” those words should be following a comma.
"I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I I will choose Mudkip, the Mudfish pokemon!”
The sentence sounds like a run-on sentence without commas, but adding the commas puts pauses in the sentence, making it read better. Also, sometimes you forgot to capitalize “I”, and seemed to capitalize random things throughout. Using Microsoft Word to type your story will greatly reduce the amount of little errors, making the entire thing look better.

Length - No complaints here. Wurmple requires at least 3k-5k characters, and you have over 6k.

Detail - Your details and descriptions were pretty good. You did a good job describing the lab, and you put a good effort into describing the battle.

Battle - This was probably the best part of the story. Wurmple actually stood a chance against the more formidable Mudkip, thanks to you using clever events like Kippy hitting the tree. Good job making the battle even, it can be tough trying to write a convincing fight for a weak little worm.

Outcome - Wurmple Captured! The story, description, length, and battle were solid enough to earn you the Wurmple. The biggest thing you have to watch out for in future stories are spelling and punctuation use, and I highly suggest you use Microsoft Word so you can spell-check your stories. Enjoy your new Pokemon
URPG Stats
Always accepting AIM battles

Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2007, 05:40 AM
Ketamine's Avatar
Ketamine Offline
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,514
Send a message via AIM to Ketamine
Default Re: Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

~~~~Chapter 3- Oops, Through the Window~~~~

The Wurmple was caught. Joe picked up the Pokeball and strapped it onto his belt with all the other Pokeballs. However, only two of them had a Pokemon inside. The rest were empty.
Kippy was as happy as ever, now he has a new friend to play with. Instead of training by himself or playing by himself. Although the Wurmple seemed very self-occupied in sleeping it is very energetic, in the day that is. Joe today had a change of clothes instead of the not very colorful white shirt with a Pokeball in the middle, he changed it to a very colorful and Hawaiian sort of shirt with all sorts of Pokemon around it. He didn't change his jeans though, still the old and raggy blue ones.

Today wasn't as big of a day as it will be tomorrow, as it is Sunday and the Rustboro Gym doesn't open on weekends. This means Joe would have an extra day training his Pokemon. At the moment Joe sticks to a hard schedule of training Kippy's Water Gun to be accurate and training Wurmple to actually learn an attack.

"Kippy aim you head towards the can, try not to get distracted." Joe said.

"Kiippppp!" Kippy shouted.

It shoot a forceful blast of water straight at the Can, the blast of water powered through
the air and hit the Coke can with so much force that it went straight through the windows of a unsuspecting man's house.

"Uhhh, oops." Joe said, "Let’s go and apologize to this man."

So Joe and Kippy walked up to the House. It looked very dull, the walls were cracking and there were multiple smashed up rocks outside. Joe knocked on the door. There was someone in there he was sitting on something.

"Umm, hello is there anyone there?" Joe asked.

"Yes, who is it?" A man croaked, as if he had something stuck in his throat.

"My names Joe and...” Joe said but he got interrupted by the man.

"I don't care if you name is Sasqulabag, just get onto the point." It was that voice again. It sounded like that he had Phlegm stuck in his throat which wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"Well I was training my Mudkip when he shot a blast of water at a can and the can went straight through your Window." Joe said

"Did it know, well what do you want me to do about it!" He said.

"Ummm, we just came to say where sorry and this will never happen again." Joe said.

The man wheeled his chair out and then I realized that he was disabled and was on a wheelchair. He looked like a sailor, looks like he hadn't shaved for quite a while as his beard covered up most of his face. He was wearing a tank top an army and his arms looked like the size of both my highs, he was very tank. But the thing was he had no legs.
Joe couldn't help but looking down to his legs every 3 or 4 seconds.

"Hey kiddo, what are staring at my legs for?" He said.

"Uhh, what legs?" Joe said.

"Kid are you trying to be smart with me?" He said.

"No, I mean I’ m sorry, about your legs that is." Joe said.

"Thats what everyone says, oh Stanley your legs I’m so sorry for you." He said in a sarcastic girly voice. "Stanley’s the Name."

"Oh ok, hi Stanley." Joe said felling awkward as he had nothing else to say.

"Well I guess you want to know what happen to my legs right?" Stanley asked.

"Uhh kind of." Joe replied.

"Ok, Machop!" Stanley yelled, "Bring out the photos."

Then a strange looking Pokemon Joe has never seen before popped out of the hallway of the House. It looked very bulky just like Stanley but was very short and had these odd bumps on his head.

"Well I guess you can come in." Stanley invited Joe into the house.

"Thanks." Joe said, "Whats that Pokemon over there?"

"Well thats my trusty Machop, he gets me everywhere you know?" Stanley said.

"Umm yer I know." Joe replied.

"Ok well heres how it started." Stanley said. "Well one day I decided to have a day off sailing and go harpoon fishing once, so I did but what I didn't know was today was the day that all the baby Carvanah hatch and the mother Sharpedos go out looking for food. So I went down to the Pier and I dived under water. For the next few minutes I was looking for some tender Tuna but all I remember is being chased by a group of Sharpedos and then I was in Hospital, without any legs."

"Ouch, that’s harsh." Joe said.

"Yer well I should have been more careful." Stanley said. "Well since you’re a trainer would you like to have a battle with me?"

"A battle, well ok." Joe said, but this was his first every official Pokemon battle.

They went outside to Stanley’s back yard and Joe saw that there was a big Paddock where you could battle.

"Hahaha well I haven't had a battle in years." Stanley said. "Go Machop show Joe why they use to call use the Chopper Express."

"Ok then, go Kippy!" Joe said.

Both Stanley and Joe threw there Pokeballs onto the paddock and in a big and bright flash of red light the two Pokemon where both on the field.

"Machop, use Tackle!" Stanley said.

Machop charged a tackle at Mudkip it was running right towards it and there was going to be a bang.

"Kippy throw a Mud ball at it to slow it down!" Joe said.

Kippy hurled a big ball of mud at Machop and it clearly slowed down. The Mud was now stuck on Machop's face and it couldn't see because of it.

"Kippy now use Water Gun!" Joe shouted.

Kippy shot a very powerful stream of water straight at Machops body and it hit. But this caused the mud on Machops face to clean up.

"Ughhh Machop gain power from the Sun and KO it with Cross Chop!" Stanley said.

Machop jumped into the sun and it looked it wasn't coming down. It gained power and momentum will up there. Its hands started to glow as it was coming down it aimed a Cross Chop straight at Mudkips head.

"Kippppy!” Joe screamed fearing this would hurt Kippy badly, "Try to slow it down with a Hydro Pump!!!!!!!!!

Kippy hasn't used this attack before and the only thing Joe knows about it is his seen it on TV. Kippy charged up, breathed in a lot of air and BOOM it shot out a huge Tidal wave of water straight at Machop. The water hit Machop and the glow stopped Machop fell on top of Mudkip with a thud and they were both on the ground, glowing.

"Uhhh whats happening?" Joe asked.

"Ahahahah, your Mudkip and my Machop are evolving!" Stanley said.

"What!?!!?" Joe said in suprise.

Mudkip and Machop both started glowing a bright white and then there body started to morph, like it was going through puberty but all at once. Then the glowing stopped and then when all the brightness cleared up there was no longer a Mudkip and Machop there was a Machoke and Marshtomp. Joe pulled out his Pokedex.

"Marshtomp the Mud water Pokemon, this creature travels faster in Mud than in water." Dexter said.



Last edited by Ketamine; 04-26-2007 at 01:30 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2007, 05:04 AM
Ketamine's Avatar
Ketamine Offline
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,514
Send a message via AIM to Ketamine
Default Re: Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

~~~~Chapter 4- Team Aqua~~~~

Joe's Mudkip had evolved, it was now a Marshtomp and Joe as happy as ever is on his way to Rustboro Gym with his newly evolved Marshtomp.

"Marshtomp, Marshtomp, Marshtomp." Joe said to himself. "Wow, your all strong now, not that you weren't before, but look at those Fins, they have grown bigger during the evolution."

"Marshtomp marrr." Kippy yelped.

"Well I hope your new strengths will come in handy in our first Gym battle, against Roxanne." Joe said.

They got to the Rustboro Gym, looking for Roxanne but instead to there disappointment she wasn't there. Although there was a notice on the door of the gym which said "All that who comes to seek Roxanne please wait or help battle for justice - Meet me at the Town Gate at 2pm." Joe thought that this probably was something important and that he would go along to help.

"2pm, it’s already 1:30pm." Joe said, "Ehh Lets go Marshtomp."

After healing in the Pokemon Center Joe headed off to the Town gate and to his suprise there was only 1 person there and it was Roxanne.

"Uhhh, hi are you Roxanne?" Joe asked.

"Yes, and you are?" Roxanne replied.

"I'm Joe, I was looking to challenge your gym for my first badge." Joe said.

"Well at the moment I have no time for a Gym battle as Team Aqua will soon be flooding in with there members and trying to steal the newly designed, Captain Stern's ship parts." Roxanne said, "So I need as many people as possible to help me."

"Well I'm here aren’t I?" Joe said.

"Yes, I guess you’re the only one here at the moment." Roxanne said.

All of a sudden there was a very loud crack and someone behind a loudspeaker spoke.

"Hello residents of Rustboro City." A man said, his voice was very scratchy, "I Archie the leader of Team Aqua is looking for something special, the ship parts for Captain Stern's ship and if we don't get it in the next hour your city will be destroyed, including your precious gym."

"Oh no, they've arrived!" Roxanne said.

"Well we better stop then." Joe said, "But first where is the Ship parts?"

"You see that building over there? The one with the big RC sign of it。 That’s the one." Roxanne said.

"Ok, if you could fight of some members of Team Aqua I will get the parts and run." Joe said.

Joe ran up to the Tower. He looked up and it seemed there were atleast 100 floors high. The building was very colorful with signs and posters all around it. Joe ran and ran and ran, until he reached the top but there was something in his way a dark fog, behind the fog was Archie.

"You, who are you and what do you want?" Joe asked.

"I am Archie the leader of Team Aqua!" Archie boomed, his words echoed through the building.

"I'm not going to let you take those parts, not over my dead body!" Joe said.

"Hahaha I have no intentions of killing you, lets settle this in a battle 2 on 2 may I? Archie said.

"Sure and if I win you go!" Joe said.

"Sure." Archie replied, "Go Carvanah and Mightyena, show then Team Aqua’s power!"

"Uhh, Go Marshtomp and Wurmple." Joe commanded.

The four Pokeballs flew into the air, with a bright white flash there were four Pokemon on the roof and they were battling 30 meters up above the ground.

"Hahah a Wurmple, what useless Pokemon." Archie said.

"Wurmple is not useless and I will show you that!" Joe said.

"Mightyena use Crunch on Wurmple and Carvanah use Water Gun on Marshtomp!" Archie commanded.

"Wurmple use Sting Shot on both Pokemon to slow them down and Marshtomp hit them with a big Muddy Water!" Joe shouted.

Mightyena was about to lay a huge Crunch on Wurmple until Marshtomp hit it down with a huge wave of Mud and Water, and then Wurmple had enough time to get itself back up and fire String shots at Mightyena and Carvanah.

"Wurmple now Tackle Mightyena and Marshtomp use Take Down on Carvanah." Joe screamed.

"Carvanah shake that string of and use Water Gun on Wurmple and Mightyena get that Marshtomp with Bite!" Archie commanded.

Wurmple faced Mightyena and had no fear in his eyes, it slowly crawled up to Mightyena to deliver a Tackle attack. Marshtomp who was very pumped up ran like the speed of the wind up to Carvanah and hit it with its body in a reckless Take Down attack. Carvanah was clearly knocked out. Mightyena then shook off that little Tackle from Wurmple and pounced on Marshtomp to lay a big bite on Marshtomp. Marshtomp was strong and stood most of the attack.

"Carvanah return." Archie said as the Pokeball sucked Carvanah in. "Mightyena use Take Down on Marshtomp!"

"Marshtomp finish it off with a Hydro Pump!" Joe said.

Marshtomp took a big breathe as his gills on his face sucked in.

"Release the Water!" Joe shouted.

Marshtomp then blew a shiat load of Water straight at Mightyena and pushed it off the edge of the Building, it splatted and there was a dead wolf at ground level.

"Nooo Mightyena!!!" Archie screamed as he watched it fall. "You have done well, Joe your skill."

"I am a great trainer and I ask you to let me join Team Aqua." Joe asked.

"You, want to join?" Archie said in a faint sound.

"Yes." Joe said, "I have come to my senses and see that what Team Aqua wants is what I want."

"Yes! Yes! You are right my boy and you have made yourself the best decision on your life to join with us." Archie said.

And from then on Joe was officially a member of Team Aqua.



Last edited by Ketamine; 04-26-2007 at 01:35 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2007, 06:38 AM
Ketamine's Avatar
Ketamine Offline
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,514
Send a message via AIM to Ketamine
Default Re: Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

~~~~Chapter 5- Mission 1~~~~

Joe was now an official Team Aqua member and he has received his Team Aqua pack along with his uniform. It was a navy blue hooded-jacket with the Team Aqua logo on it. Also there was a Team Aqua mask and navy blue jeans. Joe is at the Team Aqua secret underwater base which looked very fascinating and had lots of different gadgets and tools.

"Joe, I thought about this the whole of last night over and over again and I have made a decision. You will have the job of the outside officer, which is someone who is out and exploring for Pokemon for the purpose of Team Aqua and I think it would suit you well." Archie said.

"Ok, I would have liked to be a Submarine pilot but I guess this is ok as well." Joe said.

"Good, here is your first mission." Archie said while giving him a scroll.

Joe read the scroll and it said "Team Aqua scientists require you to bring a Ralts to Base 1 for Aqua purposes."

"A Ralts? Is that it?" Joe asked.

"Shhhh, keep it down the SPI have this place wired ok?" Archie said.

"Whats the SPI?" Joe asked.

"It’s the Special Pokemon Investigation, they investigate groups like us." Archie replied. "Well good luck on you mission. Oh by the way, on your way out grab some special Team Aqua balls, they help capture Pokemon.

Joe walked out to the end of the Base and got onto a little Submarine which took him to land. The search for Ralts was on. Joe was halfway away from the base when he heard scratching in his headset.

"Joe this is Archie calling you from base 1." Archie said, "Team Aqua has located a number of newly hatched Ralts at a Breeding Center in Mauville City, if you could get there it would be great, any Ralts would do."

Joe got off his Submarine and was on cycling road. He time he got to Mauville City he was tired and hungry. He stopped for a rest at the Pokemon Center before he continued his first Mission.

After some rest he went to search for the Breeding Center. He finally found his way there and inside where an old man and an old lady. He thought how could I steal off them? So he thought up a plan without hurting the elderly, he would just ask for a Ralts and see if they will give it to him, but if they don't Joe would just have to go by force. He went into the House it was collaged with posters of baby Pokemon and there Mothers and Fathers and the musky old, old people smell were masked with the beautiful smelling spores of the Roselia.

"Uhh, hey is this the Breeding Center?" Joe asked.

"Yes, yes it is." The Grandma said, "What can I help you with?"

She looked very formal, her face was old and wrinkly but all the make-up covered up most of it and she had a strange spiked shape egg in her hand.

"Honey, don't go near that kid because his a member of Team Aqua." The Grandpa said.

This guy looked like a guy who was on his last few steps, as he looked weak and he could barely open his eyes.

"Nooo, I'm not here trying to steal your Pokemon, I want to raise one of your Ralts." Joe said.

"Well, we do have one extra Ralts that the mother abandoned when it was hatched." The Grandma said.

"Don't give it to him, he will hurt the Ralts." The Grandpa said.

"No, I will take real good care of it!" Joe said, "Look at my Pokemon there really healthy and happy."

Joe then threw out both his Pokeballs, Marshtomp appeared strong and healthy and Wurmple just laid around.

"Hmm they do look healthy, maybe we could give you one." The Gramps said.

"Please do, I have wanted a Ralts since I started to be a Trainer." Joe said.

"Well, the Ralts is still very angry and heartbroken that its mother had left him and I don't think it will go straight into your Pokeball." The Grandma said, "I except to see you battle it."

"Well ok, bring out the Ralts." Joe said.

The Grandpa went back into there garden and picked up this cute little Pokemon, but inside it was filled with anger and hatred.

"Well ok, Go Marshtomp!" Joe said, "Use Take Down attack."

Marshtomp was already outside so it got straight into the attack, it charged it self up and ran recklessly to Ralts. Ralts suddenly disappeared to another part of the room and Joe suspected it used Teleport.

"Marshtomp use Mud-Slap to slow it down." Joe shouted.

Marshtomp spat a big ball of Mud onto his stubby hands, it was brown and looked like crap. Marshtomp ran up to Ralts and hit it on the face, now Ralts had a big brown patch on it. Ralts started to glow and it calmed down.

"It's using Calm Mind. Be careful, Joe," the Grandpa said.

"Ok, Marshtomp use Surf!" Joe said.

Marshtomp then breathed in, its gills were sucked in completely and blew out a Wave of water which filled the room and everything got soaked. Including Ralts who got hit straight on.

"Good job for frikin soaking us, dipshit." The angry Grandpa said.

"Oops, umm sorry." Joe apologized, "Now Marshtomp use Take Down again."

Marshtomp ran up to Ralts for another reckless attack, but Ralts started to glow and suddenly Marshtomp also had that bright glowing around him and then Marshtomp floated in mid air.

"Ralts is using Psychic, it must be a very high level." The Grandma said.

"Ughhh Marshtomp stay in it!" Joe said.

The glowing started to stop but before it stopped it slung Marshtomp around the room hitting everything.

"Nooo!" Joe shouted, "Get up and use Bide."

Marshtomp took that attack and started biding, it was focused as its veins started to pop out. Ralts glowed again, using a Confusion attack. Marshtomp was hurt but it took the attack fully in the Bide.

"Let Bide out Marshtomp!" Joe shouted, "Get it good!"

Marshtomp stopped glowing and hit Ralts with its body, like being hit by a train and Ralts was down and out. Joe threw out his special Aqua ball it hit Ralts and it disappeared into it rolled once, twice and Ralts was not captured!

"What, how could this be?" Joe asked.

"It's a strong Ralts that one." The Grandpa said.

"Ok, Marshtomp try a Water Gun!" Joe asked.

Marshtomp sucked in air as he got ready to blast out another stream of water, straight at Ralts. Ralts just dodged the attack, with splatters of water all over her. Then Ralts had sparks going around her, she then cried out and let go an amazing Thunder Wave. Marshtomp was hit, but this had no affect as Marshtomp was a part Ground type. Joe could see that Ralts had used up most of its energy and Joe thought that he would finish it off.

"Marshtomp, finish it off with Take Down." Joe commanded.

Marshtomp recklessly ran to Ralts, it flung its big body at a 90 degree angle and slammed it down to the ground, sort of like a Body Slam cross Take Down attack.

"Good job Marshtomp." Joe said, "And now for the capture."

Joe threw out another empty Aqua Ball, it hit Ralts above the head and it bounced off. The ball twitched and Ralts was....

Ready For Grading


Last edited by Ketamine; 04-26-2007 at 01:41 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2007, 01:15 AM
Larvinator's Avatar
Larvinator Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,140
Send a message via AIM to Larvinator Send a message via Skype™ to Larvinator
Default Re: Hoenn Here i Come!----Story of Joe.

Grading this...expect a grade in 24 hours or less.

Story/Plot: It was pretty well done in terms of story and was creative, but I don't understand at all why Joe just suddenly was like, "Hey, I wanna join Team Aqua!" It was honestly kind of random. And the transactions left something to be desired. You seemed to kind of rush from place to place without giving the reader much idea of how you got there. Though I found it to be confusing a few times, it works for Ralts. Pass.

Grammar: This really hurt you. If you had Word, you could pick up a lot of the little problems, so I'm just gonna point out the undetectable things.
it made me want to cough as it seemed that I was the one who had the phlegm stuck in my throat.
The rest of the story was about Joe. Don't switch perspectives!
Joe picked up the Pokeball and strapped it onto his belt, which was full of other Pokeballs but only 2 of them, was full with a Pokemon, the rest was empty.
Your biggest problems were commas and run-ons. Read this sentence aloud. I did, and it was pretty choppy. One revision later...
Joe picked up the Pokeball and strapped it onto his belt with all the other Pokeballs. However, only two of them had a Pokemon inside. The rest were empty.
Isn't that so much easier to read? You had many of these problems throughout, so I suggest you read your story aloud to clear it up a tad. Also, was should be were because you're talking about multiple Pokeballs.
"It’s using Calm Mind, be careful Joe." The Grandpa said.
When the "Who said it?" line is connected to the quote (as in it can't be a complete sentence without it), periods have to be commas and there is no uppercasing involved. IOW, it should be, "It's using Calm Mind. Be careful, Joe," the Grandpa said.
Joe's Mudkip had evolved, it is now a Marshtomp
Tense-hopping. Because "had" is past tense, "is" should be "was."

Along with these ones were the other spelling mistakes everywhere, plus a few times when you capitalized normal nouns (i.e. Wolf). Though I normally don't look too much at grammar, yours actually distracted me from the story and sometimes I even had to go back and re-read some parts. Sadly, this is a No pass.

Detail: It was okay, but it could've been better. The major thing you lacked was sensory details. What the city looked like was nice, but did it smell like an industrial city with smog, or was it a pristine city with a flowery scent in the air? Certainly if the mud looked like crap, it would smell like it? Or perhaps it was more of a strong, marshy scent? I think you understand what I'm getting at. Even though it was a bit lacking, tis fine for Ralts, so Pass.

Battle: One Surf and a Bide took Ralts down? A bit unbelievable, but then I suppose it was Bide. As you told me before, Pokemon don't go down in two hits. But I'll let it slide. Pass, but only barely.

Length: Plenty for Ralts. Pass.

Outcome: Ralts not captured. Tips:
*Look over your story for mistakes in spelling and such that can be corrected
*If you see a suspiciously long and comma-happy/no comma sentence, read it aloud to make sure it isn't a run-on or choppy
*Add more meat to the battle

PM me when you're ready for a re-grade.

EDIT: Alright, you added a couple attacks to the battle and you fixed up SOME of your grammar. The grammar wasn't a major concern, it was just a barely No Pass last time. You didn't add an astounding amount to the battle, but Ralts Captured. Tips for next story:
*Read your story aloud to yourself. I know it sounds kind of weird, but you can break up some of your run-ons that way.
*Remember that "is" is present-tense, so if the whole story is past-tense, the "is"s should be "was"s.
Originally Posted by The KKK Official Site
The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church".

Last edited by Larvinator; 04-26-2007 at 01:57 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:22 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: