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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-01-2007, 10:25 PM
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Default Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals


CHAPTER 1: LITTLE RED PUPPY!
~*ready for grading in chapter 4*~


The sun started to set on the lonely island, with the sky as bright as New Year's Day with many shades and colors. The clouds looked a soft and smooth blanket that covered the sky and kept it warm. The water was calm and bright. Remoraid swam quietly and smoothly threw the ripples. On the top on the island was a little hill and a village. People were getting ready for the calm evening and went threw the village unsoundly. The school bell rand and the kids poured out of the building. One child walked out of the building and looked at the open sea and saw the sunset. Then looked over to the forest beside the town and saw every leaf glitter. He thought the island looked beautiful after a little rain storm.

Susaska always went into the forest to train, play, or just hangout with his friend Torchic. He walked threw the forest with Torchic right beside him on the same path he took everyday. He got a bit hungry and stopped to pick some berries. He handed some to Torchic and said, "Want some?" Torchic chirped. He gave some to Torchic and ate some. They felt so good in his mouth. Juicy, sweet, very soft, and ripe too, they were the best berries he thought there could ever be. Then he heard a noise coming from the bushes.
He stood getting ready to fight what ever was coming his way, Torchic stood as well.

Out came the bushes a Growlithe. Torchic stood ready for a command, but Susaska thought that countering was the best way to start a battle. The baby Growlithe sat down and started to beg. Susaska was astonished. He said, "Do you want some berries?" The Growlithe yipped like a tiny newborn puppy. Susaska thought it was cute and gave it some berries. Then noticed it was late and he was needed back at home. He said, "Well take them; it's ok they're not mine they're anyone's who wants them." Then started to run home and said, "Come on Torchic we gatta go home!" Torchic started running behind Susaska as he ran home.

When they got to the house Susaska stopped. Then Torchic started to chirp, Susaska turned around and saw that very same Growlithe he saw before. It must've fallowed him home. Susaska started to like the little puppy and let it come inside. He called out, "Mother! I found a Growlithe and it fallowed me home, can I keep him?" His mother came into the room and said, "Awww what a cute little Growlithe." She picked Growlithe up and hugged him. "So?" asked Susaska. "Well," said him mother, "I think he's cute but..."
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  #2  
Old 03-01-2007, 10:51 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

"No, not yet. You just got your Torchic about a month ago; I think you need a while before getting a new pokemon." His mother said. Even though she liked the pokemon and wanted it, she just simply couldn't say yes thinking was his father might've said. "What?! Another one already?! That’s just simply- so- j-ju-just NO! Take it back IMIDIATLY!" She picture his father all bulk and brutal like that to her son. She could have that happened, but she felt terrible doing so.

Susaska felt doom pressed against him, or more like a depression, he could tell, it was horrible. He was really expecting a "yes", but it was a "no". He said gloomily yet quickly, "Alright, I'll take him back to the forest." Susaska picked up the sad Growlithe and started up the little hill toward the forest at the edge of the village. He set down Growlithe next to the berry bush were he first saw him and said, "I'll come up the this spot every day and play with you and Torchic , ill my parents let me keep you ok?" Growlithe looked at Susaska with those big brown puppy eyes making Susaska feel even worse. Growlithe started to whine and bit, but then Susaska said, "It'll be alright I live just down this hill, I come up tomorrow, okay?" Growlithe nodded a bit and then ran off. Susaska started down the hill again and Torchic not far behind. He could tell Torchic felt bad as well because he knows that Torchic was looking forward to play with a new friend.

The next day Susaksa dashed out of school ignoring the, yet again, beautiful and dazzling sunset at the ocean and ran toward the forest. He got to the berry bush, but Growlithe was nowhere to be seen. Susaska felt worse, but then he heard a noise, the same noise from yesterday when he first saw Growlithe, he looked toward the bush and out came the Growlithe yipping to see Susaska. Susaska felt like yipping as well and Torchic too. Susaska started petting Growlithe and feed him the berries. He sat there on the hill watching the sunset with Torchic, and the Growlithe. He saw a meteorite burning up in the atmosphere and said, "I wish my father would let me keep this little bundle of joy and hope Growlithe." He smiled as he got tired. Then remembered about home and got up quickly. He looked down at the Growlithe, who was asleep, and said, "I'll be back tomorrow." Growlithe’s ears perked as if he heard Susaska and Susaska started to run home.

When he got home his mother said, "Well to night when you’re asleep I'll talk to your father about the little Growlithe. Susaska felt nervous and happy at the same time. Later on when Susaska was in his bed he could hear his mother starting the conversation. Susaska smiled as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
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  #3  
Old 03-01-2007, 11:46 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Susaska awoke to a wonderful morning. He ran downstairs to see no one home, he though, "Well maybe they're out doing arons. Oh that’s right they both work today." He shrugged and walked to school. During the whole day he couldn't think of anything else other than him, Torchic, and Growlithe. His teachers were getting impatient with him and kept yelling at him the whole day. After school Susaska Ran up the hill ignoring the fact that it was about to rain. When he got the berry bush Growlithe wasn't there again. He waited then heard a yelp. He knew that sound from anywhere it was Growlithe. He sprinted threw the bushes to find Growlithe hurt on the ground after fighting another Growlithe bigger and stronger.

The other Growlithe was about to attack again when Susaska said, "Go! Torchic use scratch!" Torchic came out of the pokeball and furiously attacked the opposing Growlithe. The Growlithe fought back using ember and hit Torchic hard. "Torchic use ember to confuse him then use peck!" Susaska demanded as Torchic shot little balls of fire and hit the ground around the other Growlithe and it got confused, then Torchic ran up quickly with a sharp peck attack. The Growlithe countered using a crushing bite and Susaska quickly said, "Scratch!" and Torchic threw his foot violently at the Growlithe and the Growlithe ran off with its tail imbetween its legs.

Susaska quickly ran over to Growlithe who was still on the ground. Susaska took out some Oran berries and gave it to Growlithe. Growlithe ate it slowly, but still stayed on the ground. Susaska pick up Growlithe and started sprinting down the hill as it started to rain. Susaska didn't care if it snowed or hailed he had to get Growlithe to the Pokemon Center. He finally reached it and ran inside. Nurse Joy said, "What can I do for you, young man?" Susaska quickly replied, "Please help this Growlithe!!" and Nurse Joy saw how bad Growlithe was hurt and got Growlithe into the emergency room and three other Chansey's in there taking care of Growlithe. Susaska waiting in the waiting room with Torchic in his lap.

He looked at Torchic's nice soft fur. How smooth and shinny it was, it was like a sea of red and orange little feathers, that were as soft as the clouds after a storm. The three big feathers on Torchic's head were the softest of them all; they were like little cotton balls rolled up into three little fluffy stems. Torchic's eyes were like the deep depths of the red and orange sea, they were black and bold, but you could tell there was a fiery red in them somewhere.

Torchic got tired and fell asleep on Susaska's lap, but Susaska was to nervous to fall asleep, he just couldn't wait until Growlithe was better again, he felt like it was his fault, but he knew it wasn't. Finally the sign went off and Nurse Joy came outside and said, "Growlithe will be okay, all it needs is some rest, you should too I think Growlithe should stay over night just incase and you should go home and rest up." Susaska nodded, but stayed.
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  #4  
Old 03-02-2007, 04:20 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Susaska awoke to find himself at home. His parents took him from the Pokemon hospital and put him to bed. He got up and it was 9:38 AM and wanted to see Growlithe. He ran down stairs and quickly asked, "Where's Growlithe, what happened to him?" His mother shocked, but quickly replied, "Growlithe is still in the Pokemon Hospital and is resting up, why don't you go out and play with your Torchic?" Susaska opened up Torchic's pokeball and said, "Alright I will." Torchic looked up at Susaska happily to make him feel better. It worked Susaska smiled back, he couldn't resist! That little happy beak and those big hazel eyes.

Susaska ran up the hill with Torchic bouncing along. He found a boulder in the ally of a building and decided to train a bit. "Torchic use ember!" Torchic quickly looked at where Susaska was pointing at and reacted with a sudden burst of fiery shots from its mouth. It hit the boulder directly and the boulder splitted in three different places and part of it broke off. Susaska felt pleased with the result and decided to wander off into the woods with Torchic. He started playing tag with Torchic when he wandered off into a Beedrills hive. He quickly noticed the Kakuna around him and stopped. Torchic felt uneasy and Susaska could tell that the Beedrill were coming to defend there offspring.

One Beedrill came into view and Susaska said, "Torchic ember!" as he started to run. Torchic fallowing looked behind and shot many bullets of fiery embers. It hit the Beedrill and the Beedrill went pummeling. Susaska picked up Torchic while running and ran faster. He finally got out of the hive. He slowed down and put Torchic down and said, "Great job Torchic, you were awesome!" He hugged Torchic and stood up. Torchic smiled and gave a chirp of glee.

They started walking down a path when he saw a flock of Swablu and Altaria and watched them land. Some of the Swablu and Altaria got curious and went over to Susaska and Torchic, while others stayed there distance. Susaska sat down on a boulder with Torchic on his lap. He could tell the Swablu and Altaria were friendly. He said, "Do any of you wish to have some berries?" One of the Swablu nodded and came over with a chirp. Susaska took some peacha berries down next to the Swablu and the pokemon started to peck at it. The Swablu chirped with glee and Torchic chirped as well.

Then the Swablu started bouncing up and down with a want for fighting in its eyes. Susaska got up and said, "Oh, you wanna battle huh? Well then Torchic use ember!" Torchic started firing little red bullets from its mouth and hit the Swablu. The Swablu countered with an astonished. "Go Torchic use scratch!" Torchic stood there unable to move, that’s when Susaska noticed that the astonish had made Torchic flinch. "Now Torchic use peck!" Torchic came dashing toward the Swablu and started jabbing the Swablu with its beak. Swablu did a peck as well. Torchic got fired up. "Go Torchic use scratch, then ember!" Torchic swiped its long nails at the Swablu then hit it with ember.

The Swablu used safegaurd and that’s when Susaska saw the chance. Susaska threw a nestball at the Swablu wanting to make it comfortable. The pokeball started to move furiously. Susaska waited.
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Old 03-02-2007, 06:31 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

*Almost ready for grading*
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Old 03-02-2007, 06:03 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

The Swablu jumped out of the pokeball and charged at Torchic with a peck attack. Torchic fell back and fainted. "Torchic!" Susaska yelled. He ran over and put Torchic back in its pokeball and said, "Wow, you’re a great opponent, Swablu." Then he ran toward the PokeCenter to heal Torchic. He ran up to the counter and said, "Nurse Joy, my Torchic needs medical care, also how's Growlithe?" Nurse Joy took the pokeball and said, "Come, walk and talk." Susaska fallowed her so she could heal Torchic and talk with him. She said, "Growlithe is doing fine. He woke up today and ate some pokefood. And now he's asleep again. I think I'll let him go by tomorrow." "That’s okay; I'm battling this Swablu right now anyways." Susaska said, looking at Torchic pokeball, glowing as it was being healed.

Later on Susaska got his Torchic back and went back home to rest. When he got home his mother said, "Your dad says, no. I'm sorry you can't keep the Growlithe, when it gets releasts tomorrow you will put him back in the forest were you got him. Again, I'm sorry." Susaska was crushed again. He though, "How could father be so cruel?” That night as he was in bed he thought about the future and maybe he'll have a Blazekin, Altaria, and an Arcainine. With that last thought he went to sleep.

When he awoke he ran straight to the forest, ignoring breakfast and everything. He got to the berry bush, grabbed some berries and ran toward the Swablu and Altaria folk and found that same Swablu. He gave some berries to the Swablu and ate some for himself. He took out Torchic and said, "Come on, you shouldn't be forgotten, right?" Torchic chirped and ate some berries. He gave some other berries to some other Swablu, but the Swablu he fought before stayed on his shoulder. Then the Swablu started to hop up and down again wanting to fight once more. Susaska thought, "No, not again.", but then thought, "Well, maybe... I don't know.”

Then he said, "Alright Swablu, your mine!" He stood up and commanded, "Torchic ember!" Torchic again shot little red bullets of fire toward the Swablu and hit it. The Swablu came down with a peck and Susaska said, "Now use peck and scratch!" Torchic threw its legs at the Swablu along with its beak. The Swablu used safeguard and protected itself. Then Susaska said, "Torchic ember!" The little red chick threw little fiery bullets at Swablu and the Swablu fell. The Swablu got up quickly and dashed toward Torchic with another peck attack, then furry attack. Torchic fell and rolled on the ground, but got up fast. "Torchic peck then when your close enough ember!" Torchic ran up to Swablu and jabbed its beak into the Swablu then with all the force the little Torchic could, it shot many, many bullets or fire at the Swablu. Then Susaska threw the pokeball at the Swablu and the little cotton blue bird fell inside.
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Old 03-02-2007, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

The Swablu jumped out of the ball and flew away. Susaska was getting annoyed by this time, but then looked at Torchic and smiled and said, "Great job Torchic." Then he remembered, today was the day that Growlithe was getting out of the PokeCenter. Susaska ran down the hill, past his house, past the school, past the store, and into the PokeCenter. He ran up to the counter and asked, "Nurse Joy? Is Growlithe able to come out now?" Nurse Joy smiled and replied, "Yes, Growlithe will be right here." She walked to the back of the Center and in a few minutes she came back with Growlithe.

The red/orange puppy yipped with glee. Susaska shot forward at Nurse Joy and hugged Growlithe. Then said without letting go, "Mother and Father won't let me keep you, you'll have to go home by the berry bush. Susaska put Growlithe down next to Torchic and said, "Alright, now let’s go." It started to rain again as they went outside. Susaska slowly waltzed up the hill along with Growlithe and Torchic. This rain wasn't a sad rain, like those days were it all just tumbles out on you, it was a happy rain, like those days where the water feels cool and moist on your face and it falls of as little water droplets. He past the store, then the school, and then his house, and up toward the forest. He walked the path slowly with his Torchic and the Growlithe and sat down on a rock next to the healthy green berry bush. He sat there quietly as the rain drops fell upon them.

He looked at Torchic who flinched every time a rain drop hit Torchic's forehead. Then he watched Growlithe and the little puppy tried to catch the rain drops by snipping at them, and when he caught one he would smack his lips with is wet, slobbery tongue. Susaska looked up with his eyes close and soaked in the nice, smooth, water drops from the ocean. He opened his eyes and saw the folk of Swablu and Altaira fly above them looking for cover. Susaska saw the Swablu witch had attacked them twice before. He picked the small rounded bluish-green berried from the berry bush and gave some to Torchic and Growlithe and ate some for his own. They were his favorite, how they squished in his mouth, how smooth they felt and how sweet, yet tart they are.

He loved how the colors would mix and match during the 4 seasons. Bluish-green in the summer, reddish-orange in the fall, whitish-blue in the winter, and pinkish-yellow in the spring. It was calm, very calm. Everything was quite, even the rain seamed to hush themselves as they hit the ground. The squawks and chirps of the bird pokemon had faded and gone away, and the split splatter of the rain hitting the puddles was far from noisy. His mother came up with an umbrella and saw his sitting there with his Torchic and that Growlithe and decided to go back home and allow him to sleep there over night, and that’s what Susaska did, he stayed until the rain stopped at night and drifted off to sleep by Torchic and Growlithe. He awoke to see the brake of dawn and got up slowly. He picked Torchic up and awoke Growlithe. He said, "Sorry Growlithe, I have to go to school today. It's Monday, school started again, I'll see you when I come back, you hear?" Growlithe nodded then went back to sleep. At school Susaska did his work and got it all done before school was over, he didn't want any homework he wanted to play with Torchic and Growlithe. He ran up the hill again on that same brick road.

When he started to pass his house his father called out to him. "Hey, Susaska, over here." Susaska stopped and looked at Torchic and said, "Coming! Come on Torchic." He walked over with Torchic at his side. His father said, "Do you know why we got you a Torchic, son?" "To have a friend to play with?" Susaska questioned. "No, it was because I want you to become a good trainer, isn't that what you wanted?" It was hard to believe that his father wanted that. His father was an old scraggily construction man that wanted Susaska to fallow in his footsteps. His beard like a hedgehog, his moustache like a caterpillar, a red plaid T-shirt with blue overalls and big brown boots, and always wearing that yellow construction hat made him look like the old kind of construction worker. Susaska finally replied, "Yes father, it is what I want." "Then maybe I'll think about the Growlithe, okay?" His father chimed. "Yes, alright." Susaska said with a smile upon his face once more. He started to run again up the hill and toward the berry bush.

He saw Growlithe waiting for him. He said, "Alright, Growlithe, just you and me, and Torchic." Growlithe started to growl a bit. "Go Torchic!" Torchic started to run at Growlithe. "Use peck!" Susaska commanded. Torchic started to peck with its sharp beak against the Growlithe. Growlithe countered with ember. "Use ember as well!" Torchic shot the little red fire balls back at Growlithe and created an explosion and produced a smoke. "Now scratch!" Torchic jumped threw the smokescreen and threw its little claws at Growlithe and a direct hit too. Growlithe used tackle and hit Torchic. Then used ember and hit Torchic again, "Now you use ember, then go into a scratch attack!" Torchic shot those little fire bullets at Growlithe and then charged at Growlithe using scratch. Growlithe fell down hurt. "Go, pokeball!" Susaska said, as he threw the small red and white ball at Growlithe. It hit the small puppy and Growlithe went inside. The pokeball shook vigorously.
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Old 03-03-2007, 03:51 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

~*Now I am ready for grading*~
Pokemon: Growlithe
Characters: 12,564 ((For only the parts with Growlithe in them.))
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Old 03-04-2007, 11:51 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Bonjour. :)

Story: Okay, so your character's father won't let you have another Pokemon, which would be Growlithe. I can't say I've seen that happen too often in stories, so bonus points for you for originality. Is the only reason because he thinks you should wait, though? I thought the actual reason could be a bit stronger than that (the father got bitten by one or something, etc.), but this was good for a first story. The font kind of annoyed me, and centering everything isn't my cup of tea, but that doesn't affect your grade at all. Next time, consider a stronger plot device for what you intend on getting next. Good job, Susaska.

Spelling/Grammar: Quite a few misspellings - "hungry", "immediately", "perked", and so forth. Using MS Word wouldn't help, but these are pretty minor. Also, you should work on comma use, as some of your dialogue was written incorrectly. When writing things like "Growlithe, use Ember!", remember that a comma will be needed to seperate the noun from the action.

Length: Very good for the fire puppy, so no complaints here.

Detail/Description: I wish you described the characters more. I couldn't really "see" them, if you know what I mean. The battles and such were vivid, but you neglected the most important things in your story - the main characters. You could have described how the father looked when he was angry, how your character looked and his reactions, and even simple things, like describing the weather ... keep those in mind next time. It's essential for a good story to have the main characters described, including their personalities, looks, expressions, and so forth. The part with the colors was good, but you could have expanded on the same scene - how did the mother look when she brought the umbrella to Susaska? Was she anxious, worried? Remember that these are needed for rarer Pokemon, and it will be hard for you to capture them if you do not accurately describe the characters you use.

Battle: Good, as I said, and very fast paced. Maybe you could add in some smells and colors next time? I'm sure flames on another Pokemon wouldn't smell very good. Again, make sure to put as much effort as you did here in detail.

Outcome: Growlithe Captured! - Not a bad first story.
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Old 03-05-2007, 01:28 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

(( Thank you, and yes I just realized I had MS Word, and the Copy, Paste button, lol. I was cheaking my spelling and grammer before, and after you posted and I found out ALOT of mistakes my bad, also yes the font, I thought it looked good, but after what you sad I read some of my story and it's true! It does get annoying, I think I'll stick to Times New Roman, and again, thank you. ))


CHAPTER 2: A STRANGER FROM THE SEA!


Susaska couldn't believe his eyes, he never even dreamed of this moment. He was so happy he felt like screaming! The pokeball had stopped moving, signing that Susaska caught his very first pokeball. Torchic bounced and chirped, while Susaska raised his fist up and yelled, "Yea! Growlithe, you're mine!" Susaska picked up the ball, shined it, and then stared at it, thinking, "I hope father will be okay with this." The sun peaked out of the slit of the clouds above as it stopped raining. The leaf’s glittered, and rain droplets fell off of them once and a while. Susaska looked down at Torchic and said, "We did it, Growlithe is a part of our family now." He smiled as Torchic chirped. He started to walk home admiring the sparkling trees and bushes. He started down the path back to his house. His old white tennis shoes had holes and scratches all over them, and he needed new ones. He reached the gate at his house and walked in. He rang the doorbell as a little tune went off inside the o'house. His mother answered the door. She wore a black dress with red and pink flowers on them. She had pearl earrings, and a pearl necklace and her diamond wedding ring from his father and a black pair of high heals shoes, that didn't look comfortable. Her blush complemented her bright red lipstick and purple mascara.

She replied, "Yes, what is it deer?" Susaska held up the pokeball as Torchic stood on the ground. "Yes, I see Torchic's pokeball, but why are you showing it to me?" His mother questioned. "Well," Susaska replied. "It's not Torchic's pokeball, look." He pushed the button and out came Growlithe. Growlithe yipped and barked with joy. His mother was shocked, not knowing her husband's reaction. She put her hand up to her red lips and said, "But..., but your father." "He said it'll be okay, see watch, Dad! Dad!!" Susaska called out. His father said from another room, "Hold on, hold on. I'll be right there, just hold on." His father came threw the door and saw the little red puppy and said, "Oh, so this is the little Growlithe I've heard so much about. Well, so? Why did you call me down here?" "I caught Growlithe, I'm starting to become a pokemon trainer, and I just caught my very first pokemon. His mother waited for the worst to come. She squinted her eyes, and sucked in her lips, and played with her hands.

She always played with her hands when she got tense, or nervous. His father replied, "Oh, that's great son! You go and train that Growlithe into an Arcainine, and I think, I just might let you....., let you go all on your own, okay?" Susaska's face lit up with joy. He smiled and hid the bottoms of his eyes; he smiled so hard he could've cried. "Oh, thank you dad! Thank you very much!" He hugged his father tight. His father gave a hug back. His mother thought, "Well, a journey means new cloths." Then she said, "Well, I'm off to the party, see you later. She left with a smile across her face, but she was also a bit sad that her son was going to leave home soon.

The next day at school was the last day at school. Kids were aloud to have there pokemon out all day long. Finally, Susaska was able to have his pokemon out, because he finally had pokemon. Both Torchic and Growlithe were out, playing with each other and the other kid's pokemon as well. Everybody was surprised to see that Susaska, the kid that never has any pokemon, had two pokemon. Susaska, how ever, felt the opposite and felt proud and glory that the other kids thought that he was again going to have to pokemon. After school, Susaska allowed Torchic and Growlithe to be outside of there pokeball. There was a street fair at the port today because it was the first day of summer, not really, but on the calendars it was. The sky was clear, and Wingull flew around. The air smelled like the salty sea below, and it felt good. He was about to go when his mother called out for his, "Susaska! Susaska, hey wait."
"Yes? What is it mother?" Susaska asked.
"Okay, so you’re going to go on a pokemon quest soon right? Well, I thought a new journey needs new cloths so here."
She handed him some nicely folded new cloths that she sued the night before. Susaska took them and said, "I'll go try them on!" He ran inside the school and into the restroom and quickly changed.

When he came back out his mother said, "Oh, they grow up so fast." Susaska wore a brown hazel T-shirt that went down past the belt line, and the sleeves went to his biceps. His pants were big, black, and baggy with lots of pockets to hold items. His belt was also saggy so he could reach it better and also had lots of pockets for pokeballs, berries, badges, and ECT. His shoes were a mix between skate shoes, and tennis shoes. They were a blackish-brown with a white trim on the bottom were the grip started. It all matched his sapphire blue eyes and bluish-black long hair that went down to the back of his back in back and in front went down to his eyes.

He handed his mother his old cloths and said, "Thanks mother, they're great and I really like them too! Hey, can I go down to the fair?" His mother nodded and said, "Sure, and your welcome sweetie." She smiled as Susaska ran off with his Torchic and Growlithe right behind him. When he got to the Fair he saw almost everyone on the island. He saw booths, tables, street performers, stages, machines, people, and there pokemon. A horn blew loud and long. He looked out at sea and sure enough, here comes a giant cruse ship heading straight for the docks. This event was pretty known through out the world and a lot of people came here for vacation. The boat stopped at the docks and the door opened. People started to come out as Susaska watched with glee. Then he saw his favorite attraction, the fire breathers’ booth. People would stand outside the booth and eat fire, blow fire, and do tricks with fire. They were very skilled, and they raised money for the needy. Every year he saw them with their fire type pokemon. Magmars, Charmeleons, Typhlosions, and Houndooms all about.

Susaska started to run over when he ran into someone. The young lady fell and all of her stuff came pouring out of her suitcases. She bent over to pick it up when Susaska said, "Oh, I'm sorry, here let me help you." He bent over and helped her pick up her stuff, and then he noticed her Mudkip, and Surskit with her. He stood up and looked at her. She had blue curly hair and a little white cap, she wore a white blue T-shirt that had a pokemon logo on it, and she also had blue jeans and white tennis shoes. The young lady said, "Oh, thank you. I'm sorry I ran into you." Susaska replied, "Oh, no not at all, it was me that ran into you."

The young lady smiled and laughed a bit and said, "Hi, I'm Whitney, but my friends call me Tao." Susaska smiled back and said, "Hello, I'm Susaska, nice to meet you." He shook hands then said, "Nice Mudkip and Surskit." "Oh thanks, nice uh, Torchic and Growlithe." She said as she shook hands. "Are you here for the fair?" Susaska asked. Whitney replied, "Uh, yea." Then questioned, "Do you know where the Sea Shell Hotel is?" She blushed just a bit being embarrassed as she asked the question. Susaska chuckled a bit then pointed upward and answered, "Over there past the fourth stage next to the juggler’s booth. She looked where he was pointing at and saw The Sea Shell Hotel. "Oh, thank you." She said, "I'll be seeing ya!" she yelled as she ran off with her Mudkip and Surskit.
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Old 03-05-2007, 05:01 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Susaska watched as the rides were about to be put up. But before they were all up and he was able to ride them he went over to the Fire Breathers' Booth. Him, Torchic, and Growlithe all watched as the tremendous show of fire and sparks started. One performer ass skinny and flexible in a red tight suit was doing flips and summersaults, even cartwheels with fire dancing all over the place. He flipped threw fire rings and dove threw flaming tunnels all with his Charmeleon. One of the performers came over to Susaska and asked, "Hey kid, can you do any tricks with your pokemon?" Susaska quickly answered, "No. Of course not, I just got them." The performer said, "Oh ok, then never mind." Susaska was puzzled about the conundrum and was about to walk away when he noticed the sign above the booth that said, "HELP WANTED." And it was all clear to Susaska now that the performer saw his Torchic and Growlithe and thought that he could do some tricks and sign up. Susaska really wanted to, but unfortunately he does not know any tricks. He started walking away again to get inline to go on the caracal, one of his favorite rides. Then he noticed a little round blue ball rolling on the ground. He watched it as it stopped and opened up.

I was a Spheal! The little seal pokemon in the shape of a ball had an ocean blue on its back and a sky blue on its front. Two little tusks, whiskers, little tan flippers, and a little blue seal tail flopping around behind it. The Spheal smiled and arfed with pride that it can roll itself in a ball and no one else could. Growlithe growled at it, but Torchic just stood there smiling being friendly. The Spheal, thinking it was all great and all, rolled to the right, shot an iceball in that direction, then rolled to the left, and shot another iceball in that direction, then looked at Growlithe tauntingly. Growlithe jumped and short ember to the right, then to the left. Spheal felt threatened and shot an aroua beam on the ground making a line as if saying, "Cross it, I dare ya ta." Growlithe shot ember on the same line making it melt half way and then put one paw over the line. Spheal was about to attack when Susaska said, "Okay, that's enough Growlithe." He picked up the puppy and rubbed his belly.

Torchic walked over to the Spheal and raised a foot wanting a hand shake. The Spheal put his eyebrows down in an angered motion and blew air threw its nostrils provoking itself to attack. Then Susaska put Growlithe into one hand and then picked up, and held Torchic in the other and said, "These pokemon are fire type, you are an ice/water type that only knows ice type moves, if you want to attack them, they won't mind it, they'll attack back and it'll hurt, so I best you not attack them, okay?" Spheal tried to stay in an angered face, but soon the eyebrows turn around and Spheal's eyes started to water a bit knowing it never won a battle before. Susaska felt horrible and put down Growlithe and Torchic and picked up Spheal. Growlithe felt sympathy for the little Spheal and Torchic did as well. "Here, tell you what, I'm going to buy you some pokemon food specially made for ice type pokemon, then let you on a ride and then walk around with you and hang out, also Growlithe and Torchic will be your friend as well, and hang out with us ok?" Spheal's water eyes calmed down a bit and it nodded as it squeaked. "Alright, then lets go." Susaska said as he turned around Spheal in his arms and carried him.

Susaska walked over to the pokefood booth and the man at the counter said, "Hi, welcome to PokeKing, you order we make it, you love it, what shall be your oder- I-I mean order please?" Susaska could tell that this man was new, and hoped that he wasn't cooking unless he was hired because of his talents. "Hi, I'd like to have your special of Ice and Water type pokefood please?" Susaska said not looking at the new guy, but instead looking at there logo on top of the boot. It was a Politoad wearing a King's Rock holding some pokefood. The man at the counter said, "Right away," Then he put his mouth up to the microphone and said, "Ice, Water pokefood, that is all." The teenager looked nervous hoping not to mess up the order like he has done in the past, and watching that Growlithe there staring at him didn't make it easier to calm down. The food came out and Spheal's face lit up and smiled big. Susaska gave the man some money and said, "Thanks, keep the change." Then turned and left. The man at the counter said, "Thank you sir, and have a nice meal!" Growlithe stayed staring at the guy. The guy looked back down at Growlithe and Growlithe barked then walked off slowly.

Susaska sat down at a table and put the food on the table and Spheal too. Spheal dug in and Susaska said, "Come on up Growlithe and Torchic, I didn't forget about you two." Growlithe hoped up and Torchic hoped on a chair, then the table. Susaska put down two bowls, then he took a jug from one of his pockets and poured a blue green liquid into the bowls. "It's those berries that you guys love so much, also some rasp berries and some peacha berries as well." Susaska said as he stopped pouring the sweet liquid. He put the bottle away in his pocket at he watched Torchic and Growlithe drink up the berry juice, and they loved it. Once they were done with lunch Susaska heard the announcement about the rides, "All the rides are now officially open, come and ride them for a buck a seat." Susaska said, alright let’s go to the caracal. He picked up Spheal and said, "Alright Torchic, Growlithe, time to go." Torchic and Growlithe both jumped off the table and fallowed Susaska. Susaska went in line to go on the caracal and then he noticed the young lady in front of him. It was Whitney and her Mudkip and Surskit in line.

Susaska said, "Hey Whitney, what’s up?" Whitney turned around and said, "Oh, hi, I didn't know you were still here, I thought you left on that boat?" Susaska replied, "I live here." "Oh," Whitney said feeling ignorant. "Sorry, well who's this?" She said as she pinched Spheal's cheek. "That's Spheal, he's our new friend. Spheal say hello." The little round blue seal squeaked and Whitney went crazy. "Oooooohhh, he so cute!" She said. "I can't believe you caught a Spheal!" "Oh, no, I didn't catch Spheal, not yet any way, just doing Spheal a favor and being nice." Susaska replied. Whitney said, still going nuts about how cute Spheal was, "Awe, that's so sweet and kind of you to do that." "Yea, well he is a nice pokemon though, gatta admit." Susaska said looking at Spheal as Spheal looked at him. He smiled, then Whitney said, "Oh hey we're next."

She gave the man three dollars and went on the ride, Susaska gave four, and received a little paper saying that he did, and he went on the ride. Susaska sat on a Salamence holding Spheal in his arms as Growlithe got in the right seat which was located on the right wing of the Salamence and Torchic got on the left seat, which was located on the left wing. The ride started and Whitney was in front of them on a Flygon. Spheal squeaked with glee and Growlithe yipped and Torchic chirped and Susaska smiled.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:40 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

They All went around, and around, and around. Spheal, the little blue seal pokemon, was having the time of its life. Growlithe closed his eye and mouth and felt the little windy breeze go past his head and chest. His big white fluffy fur on his chest swayed back and forth. Torchic watched all the shinny, colorful lights go by. Torchic chirped when ever the bright red light would pass them, because red was Torchic's favorite color. Susaska thought it might have been because Torchic was a fire type pokemon, and fire is red. Spheal squeaked, bounced, and clapped as he watched the world pass by. Susaska watched his little pokemon and Spheal and then looked up at the Flygon in front of them and yelled over the music, "Hey, Whitney, are your pokemon have fun too?" "Yea, Surskit keeps jumping, and it's scaring me!" Whitney replied.

Susaska chuckled, and then the Slalmence they were riding on started going up, and down. At first Spheal was surprised and a bit scared, but then smiled and had even more fun. Spheal smiled as if he was just declared king of the world. Torchic and Growlithe looked about watching the other pokemon rides going up and down; there was a Rapidash in a running position, a Ponyta, in a jumping position, a Rhydon in a charging position, and a Dordio in a racing position. All of those pokemon rides glistened in the sun rays because they have been polished not to long ago when the ride started.

All the colors, lights, movement, and music was so grand that it was extremely difficult to not have any fun. The ride slowed down and the pokemon squealed and ride finally stopped. Susaska got off with Torchic and Growlithe, holding Spheal in his arms, then walked over to Whitney. He said, "Hey, do you want to go on the Ferris Wheal with our pokemon?" Whitney said, "Oh sure! I really like the Ferris Wheal." "Alright, let's go." Susaska chimed. Susaska and Whitney walked over to the giant wheal. The man said, "All one carte?" "Yes, please and thank you." Whitney answered. They got on with all there pokemon. Susaska holding Spheal, Growlithe on the floor, next to Torchic who was looking at Whitney's Surskit that was on the far left corner next to Whitney's left leg and also next to Her Mudkip and stared at Growlithe. Whitney said, "This should be lots of fun, huh Mudkip."

The little blue water fish with red gills opened its big mouth and nodded as it squealed. Whitney smiled and looked at Susaska. Susaska smiled back and said, as he slightly squeezed Spheal, "Yea, it should." Torchic jumped a little bit and chirped. The gigantic wheal jerked, and then started to go up. Spheal clapped as the other pokemon squealed, chirped, yipped, and squeaked. Whitney watched Spheal as the cute little blue pokemon clapped and squealed with joy. When they reached the top, Susaska saw the flock of Swablu and Altaria flying by. Susaska thought of Swablu and how much fun he had with her. Then Spheal started to bounce up and down. Susaska said, "H-hey be careful, okay?" The Spheal squeaked and clapped its hands.
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Old 03-06-2007, 03:32 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Susaska, Shpeal, Torchic, Growlithe, Mudkip, Surskit, and Whitney reached the top the fourth time. The pokemon kept looking out side when they got to the top and they looked at the fair and were everything was, kind of like a little five, six, or seven year old child. Shpeal knew were he wanted to go next, and so did Growlithe. Shpeal wanted to go to the Aqua Marine boot. There you could have your pokemon swim in an aquatic land and threw water tubes and water tank made up of glass, but Growlithe wanted to jump threw hoops at the Fire breathers' booth, they were now letting pokemon try and jump threw hoops, and if they were good enough they would catch the hoops on fire.

Shpeal turned to Susaska and nudged his head toward the Aqua Marine booth, but Growlithe whined and pointed his nose at the Fire breathers' booth. Susaska thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, hmmm, I did say we were going to buy Shpeal some ice/water type pokemon food, then go on the caracal, then a ride Shpeal wanted to go on, and then what ever Shpeal wanted to do. So, sorry Growlithe you'll have to wait, Shpeal chose were he wanted to go, and we'll go there, but right afterward, we'll go to the Fire breathers' booth, Okay?" Growlithe looked sad, and disappointed, but then smiled as an acceptance of the plot. Susaska turned toward Whitney and said, "If that alright with you, Whitney?" Whitney quickly replied, "Oh, yes, of coarse, my pokemon would love to swim, and then go jump threw hoops, it'll be fun!" Susaska smiled and then the ride stopped.

Susaska and Whitney both got off with their pokemon and Shpeal. They all walked over to the Aqua Marine booth and Susaska asked, "Can this Shpeal and her pokemon swim for a while? Please?" The man answered with a quick, "Yea, sure." Susaska let Shpeal in the water tank and Shpeal went straight for the water tubes. Shpeal glided threw the water blissfully, and smoothly. Shpeal never once stopped to take a rest, just a fast paste and Shpeal was going forever. Whitney put her Mudkip and Surskit in the Water tank. Mudkip went toward the water tubes just as Shpeal did. But Surskit went toward the Water Lands. The Water Lands were a big piece of land that had water and big puddles all around, kind of like a swampy area. It was located in the middle of the giant booth and the water tubes surrounded it with the big water tank in the front of the booth. Susaska sat down with Torchic and Growlithe in his lap with Whitney at the other side of the table in another chair. They all watched as Shpeal and Mudkip raced threw the tubes, out the tubes, into the marshy lands, into the tank, back into the tubes, and all over again. Surprisingly Shpeal won almost every single race they had together. Surskit surfed around in the swampy area.

Susaska said, "So Whitney, where did you get your pokemon, Mudkip, and Surskit?" Whitney replied, "Didn't I tell you that my friends call me Tao, and I got Mudkip as a starter from Professor Birch, and I found and caught Surskit from route 104, Surskit was bouncing along the river banks and I fought it with my brand new Mudkip, when it was weak enough I threw a pokeball and caught it. I was so happy I jumped for joy! How did you get your pokemon, Susaska?" "Well I got my Torchic as a present from my parents and then a few moths later when I was picking berries I found a Growlithe, at first we just hung out then later on a calm, but rainy day we battled and when Growlithe was hurt and on the ground I threw a pokeball at it and caught it." Susaska said with a smile.

Susaska looked at his pokemon and smiled again, he was happy about them. The Shpeal, Mudkip, and Surskit came over. "All done?" Whitney asked. The pokemon nodded, they were a bit tired from racing and skipping, but not too tired. "Alright then, let's go to the Fire breathers' booth!" Susaska said as he stood up and pointed in the direction of the booth. He picked up Shpeal and walked over to the booth with Whitney and her pokemon. Growlithe and Torchic dashed over, because they were very excited. When they got there the same man that confronted Susaska earlier came up to them. He was still in a red tight suit with his Charmeleon out. The man asked, "Hey, you kids want to try this with your pokemon?" Susaska replied, "Yes, my Growlithe and Torchic would love to." "Alright, please, please one at a time, one at a time," the man joked, "Step right up- step right up, to the amazing Chaa r r rrMELEON! Let's go Charmeleon, flamethrower!" The little red dinosaur blew fire from its dangerous mouth and lit the hoop on fire. Growlithe and Torchic watched with pleasure. "Great! Now Charmeleon, jump threw the hoop!" The Charmeleon flipped threw the hoop and landed on its feet. You could tell they trained hard to do that, it wasn't a very big hoop. Shpeal imaged him jumping threw hoops he made himself out of ice and snow.

As Shpeal day dreamed Growlithe stepped up first. The man blew away the fire on the hoop and said, "Alright, let’s have some practice jumps first!" Growlithe jumped threw the hoop easily and looked professional, even though it was his first time. Then Torchic stood up and the man said, "Alright, now the little red chick!" Torchic jumped threw, but his foot caught the bottom of the hoop and fell. Torchic quickly got up, unharmed protecting his reputation. "That's alright, that's why we have practice." The man said, and he spotted Torchic up from the ground. Torchic jumped threw a few more times and made it perfectly. Then the Charmeleon caught the hoop on fire and the man said quietly, but intensely, "Now, watch as the new Growlithe and Torchic try and jump the ring of fire." Growlithe first went, again unharmed, perfectly, and professionally. Torchic went, and bit nervous, but who wouldn't be. Torchic jumped and made it on the ground. "A perfect landing!" The man said as if the world had finally come to peace and everybody celebrated. The man gave Torchic and Growlithe a ribbon that had a gold medal that said, "Ring Of Fire Professional." with red and orange flames with yellow streaks on the ribbon part of it.

Shpeal awoke from his day dream and started to squirm in Susaska's arms. Susaska said, "Yes, what is it?" Shpeal looked up at Susaska, then over to the water tubes. Susaska got the message and said, "Come on Growlithe, Torchic, Shpeal wants to swim again. Hey Whit- I mean Tao, is it alright if we go back to the Aqua Marine booth?" Whitney chuckled then said, "Yea, it's alright with me." They walked over to the booth again and Shpeal, Mudkip, and Surskit swam, swam, and swam for a very long time while Susaska, Growlithe, Torchic, and Tao sat at a table and talked until sunset. Shpeal finally came out and waddled over to Susaska. Susaska noticed the little blue seal pokemon and looked at him and said, "Yes, what is it Shpeal?" Shpeal looked at him, then his pokeballs, then at him again and squeaked with cuteness. Susaska questioned, "Do you want to join our team, Shpeal?" Shpeal squeaked and smiled as if acknowledging the request. "Uh, alright." Susaska said, not sure if it was a true capture or not, but did it any way. Susaska took one of the pokeballs and touched Shpeal with it hoping Shpeal wouldn't change his mind in the pokeball. The little ball squirmed in his hand.
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:06 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals -ready for grading-

~*~*~*~*I know there wasn't a big battle and all, but hopfully catching a pokemon doesn't always need a battle*~*~*~*~
~*~*~*Ready For Grading*~*~*~
~*~*Pokemon:Shpeal*~*~
~*Characters:14,303*~
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Old 03-14-2007, 04:24 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

I do not know you, so I will not kiss you. :p

Story: I liked it, although it was your character starting his Pokemon journey, which is a fairly common plot device here. There was some good dialogue here, characters, and the idea of a fair in the Pokemon world just sounds excellent. It was a good second part, and I do hope you write more in the future. Remember that rarer Pokemon will need stronger story ideas if you ever go for one, though.

Grammar/Spelling: It's improved, although there were a few of the same mistakes you had last time. You didn't spell "Spheal" right occasionally, or one or two words that I have noticed can be commonly misspelled, and I think you get comma usage mixed up at times as well. MS Word helps, but it sometimes will not spot minor errors like this. Also, I find that starting a new paragraph after some dialogue bits is not only more correct, but it makes things look cleaner. Everything is still good, though, and it wasn't excessive - so you didn't do too badly here. Thank you for taking my advice before, it seems to have been helping.

Length: Very good for the little seal, and the idea of a fair and the nice characters is sufficient enough to make this a capture as well, I think!

Detail/Description: Much better, and there was a good amount, but I was almost disappointed with the lack of details for the fair. You said it had plenty of colors and sounds, but what kinds? That is what is most important to a story, I think. You described different kinds of booths, which was great, and all the Pokemon and human characters have distinct personalities to keep this good, but settings are also relatively important to a tale. If you didn't state that you were at a fair at all, nobody would know where this took place. I understand that most people know what a fair is and that they are full of sounds and colors and everything, but it is still important to list such things - even if they are tedious. Even saying 'all the colors of the rainbow' would have helped. That's just my opinion.

You did describe everything else, though, including the Pokemon's reactions to their rides and what kinds of events they were, and it was done well, so no complaints here. This was just a really fun chapter, and I liked how it was done. Oh, the 'Poke King' was also a nice touch, even though fast food isn't appealing to me. :) It's great to implement things from the real world into the Pokemon one, even if they are silly. It makes you feel more like you can relate to some of the events here.

Battle: Well, I am not sure I found one. Battles are important, sure, but I almost think that one here would have ruined the ambience to the fair atmosphere. Battles will be needed to capture most Pokemon, however, so please make sure to throw one in for future stories. Even if they are short, they are important to any URPG story, just as long as you manage to have fun with it. I'll let you off the hook for now, but remember this next time.

Outcome: Spheal Captured! - A solid chapter, but do a battle next time.
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