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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-26-2007, 07:44 PM
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Default That's not a Watermelon! (Sidestory)

This story is written with a new character, and not related to my current story. I'm going for a Poliwag. ^__^ And enjoying writing something more fun/comedic than serious for once. :P
---





Spread across the table were sandwiches of literally dozens of varieties, from normal things like PB&J to mustard, turkey, ham, ketchup, soy sauce, and liverwurst.

“Only you would like that.” Kirliana had told her younger brother, Derek, but he had only grinned in return, not letting her get to him.

Adding several bags of chips to the mess, before searching for the cans of soda, Kirliana glanced around. “We’ve got everything.” She said happily to the small crowd before her. As the oldest of 8 kids, she was used to being the one who organized things. Doing the work didn’t bother her, however, since it meant she also got the credit.

Nali, the next oldest, began to help pack. Taking her cue, Dani, Derek, Hannah, and Ben did the same. Kirliana’s littlest sister, however, scowled. Suspecting the five year old was about to throw a tantrum, Kirliana quickly dropped what she was doing, rushing to her to stop her from ruining the food or making a mess, but the girl didn’t try to destroy anything. Instead, Ruth grinned smugly, and said “S’not a picnic without watermelon. You forgot the watermelon.”

Kirliana had, indeed, forgotten it. She’d been weighed down with everything else when she had gone shopping, and hadn’t even thought about dessert. “We don’t need watermelon.” She said, trying to stifle a groan of impatience. “I’ll bring cookies. Chocolate chip, your favorite.”

Knowing Kirliana was trying to pacify her, Ruth scowled. “But mommy always remembers watermelon.” She said, knowing the best way to annoy Kirliana was by suggesting that she was incompetent.

“We’re trying something else this time.” Kirliana argued, feeling silly. A five year old was making her look ridiculous.

“That’s stupid.” Ruth said, dismissing the idea of change immediately. “Picnics always have watermelon. That’s what makes them picnics.”

“Why don’t you just run back out and get one?” Derek asked, and though he kept a straight face, Kirliana was sure he was enjoying this. She’d never let him forget the time he had almost forgotten the soda, and yet here she had actually forgotten something. The important part, too, if they were going to have a watermelon seed spitting contest.

“Pack this before I get back.” She said, and left to walk back down to the corner store.


As soon as she was out the door, Kirliana called out her first and only Pokemon, a Venonat. Personally, she adored Vin, even if he wasn’t most people’s idea of a wonderful Pokemon. Her brothers and sisters, unfortunately, did as well, for she was the only one with a Pokemon, and so she didn’t let him out when they were around. For his protection from the noisy brood, she excused herself, though she knew it was mostly only jealousy.

“I can’t believe I made such a dumb mistake.” She complained, as they meandered towards the market.

/Don’t worry about it./ Venonat said, glancing around at all the interesting sights. The Pokemon stopped as they passed the mangos, watching them wistfully, but didn’t steal one. He’d learned a long time ago not to do that.

Digging into her pocket, Kirliana came up with enough for the watermelon and a small treat. Deciding to let Vin be the one to get that, she bought him a mango, grinning as he savored the treat slowly while they searched for the melon seller.

The open air market wasn’t hugely crowded, but it was far from vacant. It was nice out, too, though rather warm in the areas with more people. The watermelon seller, however, stood out even among these crowds, his bright pink and green sign hanging high above the stall.

Waving hello at him- She knew the man well- Kirliana sat Vin on the counter as she began to push through the watermelons. Some weren’t ripe yet, a few were too small, and one was smooshy she when she touched it. Muttering briefly beneath her breath, she pushed it aside, getting into a rhythm. Lift a melon, squeeze experimentally, smell it, push it aside and take the next….

When her hand collided with something wet, she wasn’t bothering to look anymore. As a result, she thought at first that she had hit a particularly overripe one. About to yell at the seller, who was busy checking through the other crates to make sure they were in good condition, she stopped abruptly as Vin dropped the remains of its mango, yelling out in alarm.

Pulling her arm up cautiously, she realized the weight wasn’t going away. With a shriek, she leapt back, watching as a Poliwag fell from her arm, toppling to the ground.

“Get it, Vin!” She shouted in a panic. The bug type kept its head, however, and used Stun Spore, stopping Poliwag in its tracks. However, the water Pokemon’s natural dampness washed away much of the attack, and soon, it was free again.

Now more focused, Kirliana thought before giving her next order. “Psybeam, Vin.” She said, and moved out of the way as the little bug type used the beam attack. A water gun, however, disrupted it, scattering the beam into harmless particles. Then, before she could give another order, Poliwag backed up until it hit the box she had pulled it out of, and shook its tail.

“It’s going to use rain dance.” Kirliana said aloud, hand shooting up to her mouth. “Oh, that’s not good, it’ll make its attacks more effective! Quick, distract it with tackle!” She ordered her Venonat.

Obediently, Vin darted towards the Poliwag. The Pokemon wasn’t engrossed in rain dance, however- It had been faking it to lure Vin closer. Now, it turned and bit the carton of watermelons before spraying it with water. The weak cardboard collapsed, and melons scattered, a few landing precariously close to Venonat. None hit him, however, and so aside from the pulp that had splattered when a few burst open, he hadn’t been affected at all.

/Ew./ Venonat said, trying to wipe off the goo. Getting some in its mouth, its expression changed. /Oh, that’s good. Sweet./ It commented. The hydro pump that hit it seconds later removed the rest of the mess, however, as well as throwing it backwards into half of a broken-open melon.

“Focus, Vin!” Kirliana said, feeling frustrated. Sometimes Vin seemed too much like her little siblings. She hated when people weren’t focused. “Use Giga Drain!”

Cautiously, Vin edged towards Poliwag, before darting in to drain its energy. The water type tried to dodge, but tripped, sliding in the muck on the ground. “Tackle it now!” Kirliana ordered, hoping to stop Poliwag from escaping again.

Doing as it had been ordered, Vin flung itself on the water type it had just drained energy from. The water type toppled back, sliding, unable to get up. Frantically, Kirliana dug through her pockets, coming up with her only extra pokeball. Hoping for the best, she flung it at the Poliwag.

‘This will make some story to tell later.’ She thought to herself with a grin as she watched the wiggles of the pokeball begin to slow…

Last edited by FireflyK; 01-28-2007 at 06:30 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-28-2007, 05:37 PM
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Default Re: That's not a Watermelon! (Sidestory) *** Please grade! ***

Grammar:

Before: Waving hello at him- She knew the man well- Kirliana sat Vin on the counter as she began to push through the watermelons

Stuff: Wouldn’t commas work better? :-P.

Okay, for the rest of the grammar stuff, check out your Caterpie story O-o


Story: Another simple story :-P. Least it’s easy to read … Some people going on a picnic and they get a Pokémon … OMGOSH!

Honestly though, with so many characters you could have drawn this out a little longer, which would have been a lot better for a ‘Simple’ Pokémon, you know. If you’re going to invite so many … brand new characters each time then you need a lot more descriptions and back story, you have to explain everyone every time, at least a little bit.

That’s why it’s easier to make one storyline, or one of the reasons. You don’t have to introduce your characters every time, but if you do do an each one every time .. yeah, you do have to ^^

Battle: Honestly, there’s not much else I can say here, just read the Caterpie one XD

Descriptions: See the Caterpie one … yeesh, these are really similar.

Length: It’s just enough, honestly. And no, I didn’t check it :-P

Outcome: Pool-Wag CAPTURED


Tips for next time…

-Honestly now, make them longer. Don’t just be getting by with the lowest you can go … I would have graded this as a “make it longer and put more effort into it,” but you let them out at the same time :-P.
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Old 01-28-2007, 06:02 PM
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Default Re: That's not a Watermelon! (Sidestory) *** Please grade! ***

Yeah.. I'm introducing them all now. xD To get that over with. Then I'm going to work on series-es for each one of them. ^__^; But I like to start out with brief little introductions to the character, then work them longer.

Thank you for the grade and the Poli.


Commas might.. I was taught that commas put something in the sentence, () those thingies mean its less important or should be read separately sort of, and dashes means it interrupts the story. So depending on what you're saying... You choose one. ^__^
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