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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 11-26-2006, 02:18 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Through the Eyes of Itsu

Um, hi. *feels like everyone is staring* Um, anyway, this is a story about my friend's character, Renee, (Itsu in the story) and she is telling the story through her eyes. So ya don't get all confused (nah how could YOU get confused?!) Well so you can familiarize yourself with some of the characters here are a few to start you off (a li'l FYI: these people are the MAIN characters):

Oh...Would you like that! I took the charrie thingamajigger thingies off...Oh well! ;)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Anyhoo, here's chapter one. YAY!



"Come on, stupid!" Shinkami called to me, shoving open the door. "Do you want to burn alive?!"


It was so hot inside this building, the smoke so thick I could barely breathe. Flames nicked at my heels as I struggled to get one last child from the building to safety.


"Come on, you spaz!" Shinkami yelled again, this time looking as red as the fire. "Forget- -"

"Oh, would you just shut up?!" I growled right back, wanting to slap him. Shinkami is such a jerk! I thought, picking up the little child from the floor. I cradled him against my shoulder, shushing his crying. "There there, now. You're OK."


Shinkami let out an angry sigh as I ran past him and out of the flaming building. "You care too much," he accused me, pointing a finger.


"You don't care enough," was my response, but I quickly softened my voice again as the child was beginning to cry again. "Hush, now. You're alright." But of that I wasn't so sure. "Where's Kasumi?" I asked nervously, trying to be as calm as possible, which wasn't very. I felt my heart beating fast in my chest. The child started crying again.


"How should I know!?" Shinkami roared, saying a few curse words in between.

"Watch your mouth!" I scolded. I hated his bad habit of cursing.

"Is that really your or my concern right now!?"

"Oh, just shut up! Go, Zapdos!" I commanded both Shinkami and the Pokemon that momentarily appeared after I threw a bright, shiny Ultra Ball out. Zapdos's electric sparks sent off a yellow glow in the dark area so I could see better. But it wasn't a good thing.

Now that I could see, I soon realized that there wasn't much to see at all. Most of the town had been burned down by the wildfire; only a few stubs of wood and brick remained. Just stubble and people all down the street, crying families mourning over all they had lost, and some single persons that had no one to turn to at all.

"Th-this is awful," I thought aloud, holding the child close to my chest.

"No, I was just about to say it was the most wonderful thing I've seen," Shinkami rolled his eyes. Smart-alleck, I thought.


"My baby!" was the anxious cry of a woman running towards me. When she reached me, she snatched the baby away from me immediately and hugged him tight. "Oh, thank you, girl, thank you! You saved my baby!"

I smiled back at her, holding my hands behind my back. "Oh, it was really- -" I was interrupted by a loud sound coming from the once-was Pokemon Center. I felt my eyes grow large as I saw my sister arise from the ashes. "Kasumi!"

"You bet, Sweetie," she called to me, putting a finger to her overly-poofy red lips. Blowing a kiss to Shinkami, she turned to her Team Rockets minions behind her and ordered them to release their Pokemon. Kasumi pulled out a Poke Ball of her own and released her Dragonite. "Attack!!"

It was utter chaos. Fire Blasts, Blizzard attacks, Solarbeams, Hydro Pumps, Explosions, and Hyper Beams were being fired everywhere. I'd figured the village couldn't be burned any worse, but I was soon proved wrong. Flames that had just recently burnt out were now again going strong.


"Give me your Pokemon, Itsu!" Kasumi screeched at me, holding up a fist.

"No!" was my angry reply, grabbing a Poke Ball from my pocket and tossing it out. Charizard appeared with its wings all ablaze, looking strong as usual, but this time, a fiercer fire burned in its eyes.

Shinkami sent out his Gardevoir, the Pokemon that was a Ralts when I first met him. "Gardevoir, Psychic!" he commanded, his arm outstretched far as it could go, pointing directly at Kasumi.

"It's going to take a lot more than that to stop me!" she cackled, jumping from her platform and on to the ground.

"Charizard, Flash Fire!" I shouted in command, pointing at Kasumi as well. This time, it didn't miss. Kasumi fell immediately to the ground, but her Dragonite picked her up quickly and ascended upward into an emergency helicopter.

"Fufufu. . ." she giggled, still where we could hear her. "I've done all that's needed here. The town is burned to ashes. And unless you want this to keep happening, Itsu, hand over your legendaries...fast." With that, she was flown off into the dark night sky.


"Kasumi. . ." I said, tears welling in my eyes. "Why. . .Why'd you have to be evil?"

Last edited by Ryenne Raleigh; 11-28-2006 at 01:44 AM.
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  #2  
Old 11-26-2006, 02:22 AM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

UHH I like it..wierd that she has a Zapados
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  #3  
Old 11-26-2006, 02:30 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Thank you! Yeah, it is kinda weird, but Itsu is really strong as a trainer and is really sweet to her Pokemon, so...
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  #4  
Old 11-26-2006, 02:32 AM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Is this supposed to be like a new trainer or just...a already trianer?
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  #5  
Old 11-26-2006, 02:38 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Itsu has been a trainer for a looooong time now. Well at least 7 years.
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  #6  
Old 11-26-2006, 03:19 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Just a note: I won't be on tomorrow. I have church, so I probably will never be on on Sunday.
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  #7  
Old 11-26-2006, 03:00 PM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryenne View Post
Just a note: I won't be on tomorrow. I have church, so I probably will never be on on Sunday.
I like it so far. It's a little quirky, but you don't see many people actually utilize real writing methods like that. Good work so far.
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  #8  
Old 11-26-2006, 08:20 PM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Interesting... I won't say much about the legendaries, as Onchou will soon have one as well. *Note: The last comment was a teeny-tiny spoiler for my fan-fic... It doesn't give away anything about the plot of course. Hee-hee-hee!* So yeah... But Onchou's battling Entei, not any of the bird legendaries... So... yeah... :P This rocks though! All I have to say is... I don't think a trainer/master should have all of a certain classification of legendaries. That's all I don't like about it... But this has real potention Ryenne! Real potential!
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  #9  
Old 11-26-2006, 09:09 PM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kento Kasha View Post
I like it so far. It's a little quirky, but you don't see many people actually utilize real writing methods like that. Good work so far.

Aww, schmankies! More should be coming soon!!
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  #10  
Old 11-26-2006, 09:11 PM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Quote:
Originally Posted by absolgirl93 View Post
Interesting... I won't say much about the legendaries, as Onchou will soon have one as well. *Note: The last comment was a teeny-tiny spoiler for my fan-fic... It doesn't give away anything about the plot of course. Hee-hee-hee!* So yeah... But Onchou's battling Entei, not any of the bird legendaries... So... yeah... :P This rocks though! All I have to say is... I don't think a trainer/master should have all of a certain classification of legendaries. That's all I don't like about it... But this has real potention Ryenne! Real potential!

Fankies, Melody! Yeah, about the legendary thing...Itsu is really my friend's character, and she just wanted all of them. So it's her fault! Don't blame me! Lol, just kiddin' back there.
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  #11  
Old 11-27-2006, 02:30 AM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Nice story. Just a few things I'll mention.

First off, I don't like the character descriptions at the beginning. When you go to the library and pick up a book, does it start off with a description of every character that will be in it? Of course not. It takes away from the story, and they’re tedious to read. Ditch the character descriptions and describe them in the story. Quite frankly, I didn't read through your character descriptions and I think many people would do the same thing.

Second, do you single line separate and double line separate randomly? Or is there a specific reason? Personally, I like to single line separate everything, but if you're doing it for a specific cause, then I guess it's all right.

Getting into the story, your character is kinda invincible. She has a Zapdos and is basically the hero of a burning city. More flaws would make for a more interesting character, but I understand this is just the opening.

On to good things. I like your writing style. I also like how you open with an action packed scene rather than something very peaceful and slow moving. I think this story has a lot of potential and I look forward to the next chapter.

Edit: Please try to keep from double posting unless your adding another chapter and nobody has commented.
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  #12  
Old 11-27-2006, 09:59 PM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Thank you Ryenne! *sniffle* You are so sweet. Oh yeah, something to note, Lucky. In case you don't know grammar, you skip a line for every quote. Thanks again Ryenne!
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  #13  
Old 11-28-2006, 01:14 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Aww, fankies, Beffy! No problem! Anything for you... Thanks for joining! Lucky...Schmankies for the criticism...I need it! Yeah, I don't usually do the character descriptions, but I just wanted to for a change... I didn't mean to to double then single spacing...I was just too lazy to fix it...uheheheh...Yes, just the opening. She'll have some flaws; that is, of course it's ok with my friend! *pokes backyardbeth282* Maybe I should delete the character descriptions: it gives away too much about Shinkami!
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  #14  
Old 11-29-2006, 02:23 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Here be chapter 2!Yeah baby!

"Itsu. . .Why are you crying?" Shinkami asked, a question that made me angry at him. But something, this time, kept me from slapping him. He looked. . .concerned.

"Hmph," I replied, turning away from him, raising an eyebrow, "I'm not crying. My eyes are just a little dry, and so you know how- -But why would you care if I was crying? I thought I was stupid." I expected a softer answer from Shinkami this time, but no, of course not. Should have known, better, really.

"Hah! You think I care?" he retorted, with that same stupid glare on his face he had most of the time unless he was cracking off some nasty joke or just laughing his head off. "I couldn't care less about you!"

I was a little hurt at that remark, but then again, what did I care about what Shinkami thought?! "Even if I was crying, stupid, do you think I would tell such an insensitive person like you why?!"

"Oh, just drop it!" was the last thing said in that conversation, and I was glad about that, too. For once, Shinkami had said something I liked. His features softened, but his thick eyebrows still rested close above his eyes, still giving him an angry look. "Where's your sister headed to now?"

"I wouldn't know that." I expected some kind of snide remark from him, like, "Well, shows what good you are," and such, but he didn't this time. He sniffed the air like he could actually pick up a scent of where Kasumi was going, then snorted. Pulling out a bright blue and red Great Ball, he tossed it up and out came his Mightyena, Kurassha.

"Can you tell us where that- -" I glared at him, knowing what word he was about to say. He sighed. "Can you tell us where that woman Kasumi went? She was over there a minute ago." He pointed to where my sister had stood just a few minutes ago.

As I watched the wolf-like Pokemon sniff the area over for any hints as to where Kasuim was, I thought of what had just happened- -how Kasumi had burned down the whole town with the fire from her Dragonite's flare, how at least 10 people had been killed in the flames- -all for the sake of my legendary Pokemon. We had to stop her. And fast.

A growl from Kurassha inerrupted my thoughts. Its ears perked up, a deep, growling sound coming from it. I could tell we were being. . . .watched.


Sorry it's so short, I just have to go to bed now! This is just the first half of chap. 2, though, OK? Schmankies! Cya!
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  #15  
Old 12-01-2006, 02:43 AM
Ryenne Raleigh Offline
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of Itsu

Part 2 of chapter 2 ( I am dying for you guys' comments!! )


"Who are you?!" Shinkami shouted, saying a few extra words in between. His thick eyebrows were pressing down his eyes so hard that you could barely see his eyes at all. You could definitely tell when he was angry.


Kurassha howled, sensing her trainer's anger. Although he seemed like such an insensitive person at times, Shinkami had raised all of his Pokemon with all his deepest love and care. Sometimes I thought it would be nice if he were as nice to other people as he was to his Pokemon.


"Are you deaf? I said who are you?!" Shinkami growled again, but this time the bushes rustled all around, and next thing I knew, I was holding on to the closest thing in sight for protection. And that thing was Shinkami. "Itsu, what are you doing?!"


I let go of him quick, blushing at my actions. I couldn't believe it. I had just held on to...Shinkami, the biggest jerk ever? No. No way. I wouldn't allow myself to accept that fact. No.

(I AM SO SORRY!)

Last edited by Ryenne Raleigh; 12-09-2006 at 07:49 AM.
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