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  #2281  
Old 10-05-2007, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

I have a question...

I'm working on a novel(la) (I started it today out of boredom for being sick and out of school, and the fact that I felt I was letting the day go waste...), detailing a trinity of gyms in Saffron (dark, psychic, and fighting-type). Basically, it'll end up that the Saffron City Dojo hires a dark-type trainer to start a gym and then defeat Sabrina... eventually they would betray the dark-type gym and defeat them and achieve the title of official gym for four years...

It's the prologue that bothers me... I have Sabrina battling the Dojo gym-leader (Kiyo), but the battles are really short... Now, can I explain this by saying that Sabrina is just that good, and that since she's psychic, she can read his mind (which despite the officials disallowing by blocking it, she gets over anyways), and as the fact that psychic beats fighting-type advantage wise, or is that not sufficient?

I have a theory that the length of a battle is sort of a curve, the lv. 40 being the top, the really low and pretty high being really short, and maybe beyond it (above lv. 100, dismissing game logic), really long again... Which, if you factor in type-advantage, makes a lot of sense in this case.

Keep in mind it's not edited or anything, I just have a question on the length of the battle, not the quality of prose.

Here's the battle:

Quote:

“And now, folks: the grand finale! The grudge match we’ve been waiting for since 1995! In one corner, Kiyo Arati, leader of Saffron City Fighting Dojo. In the other: she’s young, she’s pretty, Sabrina Dauber!”

Kiyo and Sabrina walked forward from opposite sides of the arena towards the referee, who stood halfway in. They smiled at each other, and Sabrina’s calm, smooth hand was shook vigorously. Kiyo and Sabrina both turned to the referee, who leaned in and whispered to both of them, “This will be a three per side, one at a time pokémon battle. I want a clean match… Sabrina, no psychic commands. To both of you: no signaling… only audio commands. We set up a psychic shield around you as well, Sabrina, so that you can’t invade Kiyo’s strategy processing in his mind… Other than that, enjoy the battle.”

With another handshake, the two gym leaders parted. Sabrina walked back slowly and calmly to her station on the north side of the battle field. Meanwhile, Kiyo paced vigorously to the south side.

Finally, everything was in place, and the crowd quieted down as the city’s mayor took a microphone and stood next to the referee.

“I’m glad that you have enjoyed this year’s festival! Thank you for attending this weekend’s tournament as well… you are a doing a good thing by keeping Saffron City debt free. We pride ourselves in not having to tax our citizens… but you don’t want to hear that, do you? No! Well, folks, enjoy the final match!”

And with that, the mayor walked back to his seat in the front row.

It was dark outside now, and the arena lights had been turned off.

A lone spotlight shot down from a blimp high in sky. A twin shot down from the opposite direction. The two played tag with each other in a rhythmic pattern as the arena sound system boomed out the city’s anthem.

Finally, the spotlights came to rest on both gym leaders, bathing both of them in yellow, red, then white light.

Finally, the arena lights shot back on as the referee raised both flags. When the ‘oo’s’ and ‘aa’s’ finally settled, the arena was silent again.

“Begin on my count!” the referee shouted through the arena. Crowds shouted, trainers watched eagerly. Sure, the city league championship had been great, and the tag-team division final between Silph Coporation and Warner Automotive had been great. But this was what the people were here for…

“Three… two… one… Go!” And as he spoke, the two flags fell downward in his hands.

Sabrina, dressed in a tight-fitting red and black flight suit, raised a pokéball.

Koichi did likewise, tightening his muscles and then relaxing them in preparation.

“Sabrina has chose Kadabra and Kiyo has chosen Hitmonlee!”

Kiyo eyed his brown fighting-type, who grunted at him. Sixteen years of victory, he thought to himself, and now we go together to our doom.

Kiyo wished Duncan had stayed alive… he at least had honor and used non-psychic types in their battles for the honor of the city’s official gym. And so he had one… ten years battling the Japanese Gym Circuit and Japanese Dojo League both could not be made up, even by an Indigo League Champion.

But now… with this young upstart, Duncan’s daughter, the official leader of Saffron’s Dauber Gym, there was no hope. Little psychic girls knew not of honor. Or if they did, they were too stuck-up and arrogant to show it, let alone practice it.

“Kadabra, Psychic!” Sabrina shouted, her young, innocent voice echoing through the arena. The crowd shouted… most were young and starry-eyed, and she was the hero of their generation. The crowd screamed as her golden psychic-type stood calmly, hands pressed to his mind, eyes lit aglow.

“Hitmonlee, Vacuum Wave!” Kiyo shouted. His fighting-type charged forward at break-neck speeds, grunting at each step, and with his left food kicked Kadabra to the ground before she could release a wave of psychic energy.

“Blaze Kick!” Kiyo shouted. Hitmonlee jumped down upon the psychic-type, his feet blazing with fire.

“Psychic!” Sabrina shouted desperately. Kadabra looked at the opponent, hovering over her, and with her eyes aglow, lifted Hitmonlee away from her, into the air. Higher and higher… and then she chucked him down.

“Return!” Kiyo shouted. A bream of red light caught the fighting-type before he could fall completely to his death.

“Hitmonchan!” Kiyo said with regret. He was already one down… It looked worse than even he had expected. His fighting-type emerged, both gloved hands ready to strike. “Bullet Punch!”

Hitmonchan charged forward, faster than Hitmonlee had been. Kiyo smiled… the hours of training he had put in yesterday against Jacob had, in fact, paid off some…

Sabrina reacted instantly. “Reflect!”

Kadabra raised his palms and from them emitted a large screen of light.

Hitmonchan slammed into it and the arena crowd gasped in astonishment.

The fighting-type fell to the ground a meter in front of Kadabra and the sound of bone cracking echoed through the mic on-pokémon.

“It seems that some part of Hitmonchan’s body has been broken…” the announcer said, saying what Kiyo was thinking.

There is no choice… I cannot lose him for a silly title as gym leader…

And so Sabrina won another round, and Kadabra still stood their, calmly playing with his spoon in boredom.

“Now, as Kiyo prepares his third and final pokémon, we will take some time to mention our sponsors!” an announcer said.

“That’s right, Bill. We’d like to thank Norton Creamery for working the ice cream booths and selling ice cream for half off after the battle! And also, Silph Corporation for building, owning, and maintaining this arena not only as a testing field for their newest battle-based devices and special technical and hidden machines, but also as the official city arena! The philanthropy of the Board of Directors is greatly appreciated. Finally, we’d like to thank Aegis Bottling Company for their sponsorship. Choose Aegis for great taste, low price. Aegis, offering cola, diet-cola, and beer to Japan and the world. And now, on with the battle!”

Kiyo focused on Sabrina, who was looking around the arena slowly.

Damn you, you little psychic brat… why… if you hadn’t ‘seen’ Team Rocket shoot your father, you’d be in jail right now…

Suddenly, Sabrina was looking at him. A shiver spread from his spine… She could read his mind, couldn’t she? Was she really that strong?

You! He shouted to her in his mind. You bribed the Pokémon League, didn’t you, to say they had set up a psychic shield around you… you dirty cheater…

Ah… but it is that where you are wrong… I did not bribe… it is below a great being such as I. But not that you know this, you must leave after you have been defeated.

You dirty liar! You didn’t just bribe the League, you bribed Rocket to kill your father, if not killed him yourself!

Stop speaking such nonsense, Kiyo.

But it’s the truth…

It is not all truth… But you will not stay here long enough to find out. If I defeat you, you will leave this city, this region.

And if I don’t?

Ah, if I recall, Kiyo, I know that you have a son…

Kiyo nodded minutes later after Sabrina had finished her threats.

“And if Kiyo is ready…” the announcer trailed off.

He was. “Poliwrath!” he shouted firmly.

“And so the final round begins, Will,” the announcer said. Even though it wasn’t technically impossible that Poliwrath would defeat Kadabra.

“Poliwrath, Hypnosis!” Kiyo shouted desperately.

The large water-type obeyed, launching from his stomach wave after wave of quivering golden-white light.

Kadabra instinctively teleported away from the lines of sleep-inducing energy.

Kiyo eyed Sabrina angrily.

“Kadabra, finish it with Shockwave!”

Kadabra reappeared, this time directly in front of Kiyo.

A beam of electricity shot upwards from Kadabra’s raised hands and then downwards, lines of thunder snapping and crackling as the main bolt knocked Poliwrath down. Kiyo screamed as his pokémon fell to his defeat.
Thanks for the help...
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  #2282  
Old 10-08-2007, 06:33 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

[copy and paste]
Hello, I was wondering if there were some good song-fics around here (preferably Pokémon-related, thanks), because I'm planning to write some and I never did, so I need examples, and I'd like some tips too. Thank you in advance.
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  #2283  
Old 10-08-2007, 10:25 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by ze_gobou View Post
[copy and paste]
Hello, I was wondering if there were some good song-fics around here (preferably Pokémon-related, thanks), because I'm planning to write some and I never did, so I need examples, and I'd like some tips too. Thank you in advance.
I would hit SPPf. Especially Brian Powell. He writes like a songfic a month or something...
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  #2284  
Old 10-10-2007, 08:01 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Thank you. Do you know if there is some writing guide about song-fics ?
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  #2285  
Old 10-15-2007, 01:57 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by ze_gobou View Post
Thank you. Do you know if there is some writing guide about song-fics ?
I think the key to making a good song fic is not aiming to write a song fic to began with :). If you can write a fic that is good enough to stand on it's own without a song to began with (in length and meaning) and then mix the meaningful song into it when the story is finished , that is a great song fic IMHO ;)
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  #2286  
Old 10-16-2007, 04:33 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Hey everyone, my name is HondourMaster, and if you remember or knew a guy named HondoomMaster, this is him. I could not remember my password to the old account so I have created a new one. I decided to call my self Hondour instead of Hondoom due to the fact I have started over. I should have some fics up soon.
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  #2287  
Old 10-16-2007, 04:57 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange_Flaaffy View Post
I think the key to making a good song fic is not aiming to write a song fic to began with :). If you can write a fic that is good enough to stand on it's own without a song to began with (in length and meaning) and then mix the meaningful song into it when the story is finished , that is a great song fic IMHO ;)
I actually think that a good song fic incorporates the tone and feel of the song into the story, and perhaps using the song as part of the story. By having it a "stand alone" story, it just feels more like the song was added in there just for the sake of calling it a song fic.
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  #2288  
Old 10-16-2007, 06:42 AM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

I would rather have a good story with a song than a song with bits of story mixed into it, which is what most bad songfics are :\
When a whole fic is just the words of a song broken up a few times by one or two lines of story, something is wrong IMHO :(
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  #2289  
Old 10-17-2007, 02:59 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Hey everyone. I was in the best writing mood this arvo and so I wrote about 6 or 7 pages of story (extremely good for me). So yeh go check it out if you have a mind to. Stand Taller, Go Further, Rise Higher.

If you're reading it, be sure to drop me a line. I know that its not anything that special and i am sure there are mistakes, but still, it's nice to know who is reading your stories.

God Bless.

SB
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  #2290  
Old 10-19-2007, 12:27 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Songfics, yay.

Well in my opinion, song fics are lik OF said stand alone stories, but not just stories that have the song added for the sake of having the song. Really what they should be are stories that were inspired by that particular song. If you can't get inspired by a song, then whatever song fic you write probably won't be top-class writing. But really writing is up to the writer, so that's just hat I think.

And Scottie, I'll get down to reading your fic. I've been looking forward for you to come back. Welcome back.

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  #2291  
Old 10-23-2007, 05:35 AM
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Talking Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Started a new story called Kanto Journey, please check it out and tell me how you feel. Thank you.
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  #2292  
Old 10-27-2007, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Oh, well, I'm new here so I may as well get started with sticking my foot in my mouth ^^;

I've posted the first little bit of my story Phonos up for your reading pleasure and I would really appreciate some healthy reviewing before I post the next bit. I've got all of part one written up (took me about three days of butchering my wrist and fingers but whatever! :D) and really, it was just supposed to be a twoshot not a chaptered piece. But because of the character restrictions, I'm having to cut it up a bit.

It's the first serious Pokemon fanfic I've written in a while, so I'd just appreciate some feedback on how I'm doing.
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  #2293  
Old 10-27-2007, 09:35 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deathspector View Post
Songfics, yay.

Well in my opinion, song fics are lik OF said stand alone stories, but not just stories that have the song added for the sake of having the song. Really what they should be are stories that were inspired by that particular song. If you can't get inspired by a song, then whatever song fic you write probably won't be top-class writing. But really writing is up to the writer, so that's just hat I think.


Deathspector
Totally agree one hundred percent. Yeah, a songfic is good if both inspired and a story that matches it really well. There are a few songs I really love that I suddenly want to put in a story. XD

Oh, and to everyone: I posted Chapter One of my fic "Nothing, Everything" a little while ago. Read and review! And Chapter Two shall come as soon as my beta reader finish reading/betaing it. ^^
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  #2294  
Old 11-03-2007, 10:34 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

I plan to re-post my revamped fic here. Thanks to a beta (Diamondpearl876) it has vastly improved and is well on it's way. It also was named fanfic of the month on pokecommunity. (I'm not gloating or anything :P just reitterating that it's not AS sucky as it was xD.

I should post the revamped chapters soon. Could a mod please delete my old fic thread?

Cheers, Griff4815
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  #2295  
Old 11-04-2007, 01:43 PM
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Default Re: Fan Fiction Chat/Feedback

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Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
I plan to re-post my revamped fic here. Thanks to a beta (Diamondpearl876) it has vastly improved and is well on it's way. It also was named fanfic of the month on pokecommunity. (I'm not gloating or anything :P just reitterating that it's not AS sucky as it was xD.

I should post the revamped chapters soon. Could a mod please delete my old fic thread?

Cheers, Griff4815
Interesting, I might read it when I have time.

11th chapter is up to whoever is following my fic... hehe.
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