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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-29-2013, 05:09 AM
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Default Decisions, Decisions

It was a beautiful day in White Forest. Pidove soared the cloudy blue skies, and Combee buzzed through the trees. A trio of Wurmple made their way through the forest, passing by Caterpie, Weedle, and Sewaddle making their way to their own respective classes.

"How was your break?" a Wurmple with a yellow bow on top of her red horn asked her companions. Hibernation season had just ended, and Beautifly and Dustox that had just emerged from their cocoons were flying through the forest, secretly influencing the rising seventh grade Wurmple to enter hibernation season as a Silcoon or a Cascoon.

"Boring," Aaron replied. Aaron was a Wurmple with a permanent frown on his face, and he was always grumpy.

"It was alright," the last Wurmple replied. This Wurmple had no significant qualities, and there was nothing significant about her. Lauren was just a regular old Wurmple. "What about yours, Cassie?"

"It was pretty good. I'm glad to be getting back to school though," Cassandra said. Cassie was the beautiful Wurmple. She took pride in her appearance, and she could always be seen wearing a yellow bow on her red horn. Cassandra was a happy-go-lucky Wurmple, but she was the type of bug that would fiercely defend her friends and family from bullies.

They arrived at class and took their seats in the middle of class. Cassie, Aaron, and Laurie had been sitting together since their first day of school six years ago. Cassie and Aaron were Laurie's first friends, and this was their last year together before they became Silcoon and Cascoon.

"Hello, class!" the Beautifly teacher said as she flew into the classroom, her wings fluttering as she hovered in the air in front of the seventh grade Wurmple class.

"Hello, Madame Beautifly," the class responded together.

"Before we begin for the day, I'm sure you're all aware that you will be participating in Evolution Day this year. Your education in this class this year will be based on whether you want to become a Beautifly or a Dustox after Hibernation Season," Madame Beautifly announced. "Today, we're going to go around the room and announce what we'd like to become after Hibernation Season. Next class, we'll be splitting up. Those of you that want to become Beautifly will stay with me, and those of you that want to become Dustox will go with Sir Dustox next class. Allison, we'll start with you."

So one by one, the Wurmple announced whether or not they wanted to be Beautifly or Dustox in the future. Some Wurmple said Beautifly, others said Dustox.

"I'd like to be a Beautifly!" Cassie said excitely and confidently. Beautifly would be a perfect fit for Cassandra. She was such a beautiful Wurmple. If she turned out to be a Dustox, it just wouldn't be fitting.

"Dustox," Aaron replied simply and grumpily. He was a Wurmple of few words. Laurie could only remember him saying more than two or three words once, and that was when they were in fourth grade. One of the Sewaddle had insulted Cassie while she was at home sick, and Aaron stood up for her. Cassie heard about it when she came back to school, and she was so proud of Aaron. She brought him a box of chocolate covered leaves when she returned.

"Laurie?" Madame Beautifly asked. Laurie jumped and looked around the room hesitantly. She was next to Aaron. It was her turn.

"Um..." Laurie started hesitantly. Her bug eyes went to the ground. The class was going to laugh at her for this. "I don't really know..."

As soon as those four words came out of Laurie's mouth, her fellow Wurmple, Aaron and Cassie excluded, started laughing. Laurie could feel the tears forming in her eyes, and it was taking everything in her to not break down and start crying.

"Hey!" Cassie shouted, silencing her laughing classmates. "This is a big decision for Laurie! Not everyone can make this decision overnight!"

"Cassandra has a point," Madame Beautifly announced once Cassie was done speaking. "Lauren, you'll be spending one day with me and one day with Sir Dustox until your decision is made or Evolution Day comes, whichever happens first. If you don't know by Evolution Day, it's recommended you don't show up."


"Yes, ma'am," Laurie replied. Madame Beautifly nodded at the Wurmple seated on the other side of Laurie, and the announcements of whether they wanted to become Beautifly or Dustox continued. Laurie was the only Wurmple that was undecided.

*****

The months passed by, and just twenty-four hours prior to Evolution Day, Laurie sat in her room with tears building up in her eyes. In twenty-four hours, she would be sitting at home while every other seventh grade Wurmple went to the Evolution Day ceremony. She'd wake up to the cheers and shouts she'd be able to hear from her home in the forest. Each time a Wurmple went up to the stage with Principal Dustox and made their formal announcement as to whether or not they wanted to be Beautifly or Dustox, the audience would cheer as the Wurmple glowed white and evolved into a Silcoon or Casoon, and then they'd be carried off of the stage by the Machop that dwelled in the forest and brought to their resting place, where they'd reside through the duration of Hibernation Season.

Thankfully, Laurie had two of the greatest friends a Wurmple could ever have. Cassie and Aaron had graciously agreed to spend the day with Laurie to hopefully help her make a decision within the next twenty-four hours. They were not going to let their best friend stay behind another year just because she couldn't make a decision. Cassie truly believed that Laurie knew what she wanted to be deep down in her heart, and she was determined to make sure that Laurie went on that stage with every other Wurmple in their class.

Laurie went and met up with Cassie near the pond. The Surskit and Masquerain danced across the pond, skating away without a care in the world. A smile appeared on Laurie's face; she wanted to be just like them, dancing away without a care in the world. She could dance beautifully, just like they did, except instead of dancing on water, she could dance in the skies as a Beautifly.

"It looks fun, doesn't it?" Cassie asked once she finally broke away from watching the Surskit and Masquerain dance.

"Yeah," Laurie replied simply. She could really see herself dancing away in the night sky with the moonlight reflecting off of her beautiful, colorful wings.

"I've always wanted to be able to do that, and then I realized I could do it as a Beautifly. I want to dance. That's why I want to become a Beautifly," Cassie said with a smile. Dancing away without a care in the world truly did seem like a fun thing to do, and it seemed so relieving.

Laurie parted ways with Cassie after lunch, and she went to meet up with Aaron and his Dustox brother, Dusty. Though Laurie had never met Dusty before today, she could clearly see that he and Aaron were so much alike. She could see why Aaron wanted to be a Dustox. He would be able to spend more time with his brother that way.

By the end of the day, Laurie was still conflicted. Being a Beautifly had its pros and cons just like being a Dustox did. She still didn't know what she wanted to be, and she now had less than twenty-four hours to make a final decision. As she closed her eyes and drifted off into a peaceful slumber, she wished for two things. The first was that she wished she could have been like every other Wurmple in her class who already knew what they wanted to be. The second was that she wished she knew what she wanted to be in the morning, so when she did get up on that stage with Principal Dustox, she'd be able to cheerfully announce what she wanted to be and not be the forest laughingstock.

*****

The next morning, Laurie crawled out of bed with a frown on her face. Evolution Day had finally arrived. The day Laurie had been dreading since the first day of seventh grade had finally arrived.

She still had no idea whether or not she wanted to be a Beautifly or a Dustox. Regardless, she was still going to the Evolution Day ceremonies. She wasn't going to let herself become the laughingstock of all Wurmple ever. That just couldn't happen. Laurie couldn't allow it to happen.

So three and a half hours later, Laurie found herself standing in the middle of the line at the Evolution Day ceremony. She could hear the whispers around her. Throughout the course of the year, word had gotten out around White Forest that Laurie had no idea what she was going to announce at Evolution Day. Even the Beautifly and Dustox in the audience were whispering about it.

Aaron was the first to be called up, and he evolved into a Cascoon upon making his announcement that he wanted to be a Dustox. A few Wurmple later, Cassie was called up, and she evolved into a Silcoon upon making her announcement that she wanted to be a Beautifly. The Wurmple that wanted to be Dustox would evolve into Cascoon for Hibernation Season, and the Wurmple that wanted to be Beautifly would evolve into Silcoon.

"Lauren!" Principal Dustox called. Laurie jumped at the sound of her name, and her Beautifly teacher had to nudge her forward. Slowly, she made her way to Principal Dustox. "What would you like to be?"

Laurie hesitated. She could feel the eyes of everyone on her. The eyes of Principal Dustox, the eyes of her family and everyone else in the audience, the eyes of the Silcoon and Cascoon that were sticking around to watch the rest of the ceremony, the eyes of her Beautifly teacher, and the eyes of the Wurmple that were waiting their turn... the Wurmple that knew what they wanted to be.

"Lauren?" Principal Dustox asked. Laurie wondered if he knew about her indecisiveness. He probably did. Everyone else that lived in the forest did. Why would the principal be any different?

"I... I want to be..." Laurie started, speaking as slowly as she possibly could. What did she want to be? She still didn't even know. All she knew was that she wanted to get off of the stage as soon as possible. What she said next came out of her mouth before she even realized it. "Beautifly. I want to be a Beautifly."

And then she started glowing white, and when the light subsided, a Silcoon sat where Laurie the Wurmple once stood. Her decision had been made.

Pokemon: Wurmple x2 {6-10k, Easiests}
Character Count: 10,220
Author's Note: I like Wurmples, & so do you? Also, I took the character count for this and threw it out the window. Was not expecting that at all.
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  #2  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:43 PM
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Default Re: Decisions, Decisions

Claimed. Grade should be up shortly.
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And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
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  #3  
Old 04-03-2013, 02:46 PM
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Default Re: Decisions, Decisions

Introduction
Let's begin with the beginning! Your introduction is short and sweet, introducing the reader to the setting and glossing over the characters. This kind of introduction is perfect for the rank you're in, since the whole story is short and sweet. I have nothing to critique here, but I will suggest that when moving into the higher ranks, you should provide a more descriptive introduction. Perhaps, in that case, you would describe the green leaves, or the cool breeze, or the way the flowers smelled. In the higher ranks, stories are longer, which means that you'll need to be descriptive and/or engaging to grab your reader's attention and assure them that what you've got is worth their time.

Plot
Your plot was very good and creative, especially for an Easiest story. You had a clear focus the whole time, rather than simply writing about a protagonist who just wanders about aimlessly and waits for something to happen. I liked the way that you had a reasonable conflict, as well. Laurie's confusion was understandable and merited, and I felt that you handled it well. I also liked your characters; Laurie, Cassie, and Aaron were quite recognizable, and neither their personalities nor their actions felt forced. I also liked the way that you handled the Wurmples' world, showing the set traditions that they had. Everything was plausible and natural, so I never found myself having with any qualms in this section. Splendid job.

Description
I felt that this here was your weak spot. You had some description, which was good. I wasn't left confused about what the characters were doing, who they were and what distinguished them, or anything similar. You also added detail along with your dialogue (inflections, actions done during speech, etc) which is good, because it's something that's often left by the wayside, especially in the lower ranks.

However, you did fall prey to one of the common low-rank mistakes: you didn't describe the Pokemon. While everyone who's played a Pokemon game probably knows what Wurmple and their evolutions look like, it's always, always, always good to describe them. Even such a simple description as 'red, spiny worms' would have been sufficient for the Wurmple. This description would have been especially helpful with the Beautifly and Dustox, because it would have given the reader some contrast between Lauren's two options and would have helped point out part of the reasoning behind Laurie's indecision. You also never described what the cons of being a Beautifly were, and you never went into pros or cons for Dustox. This kind of thing is important, because when done properly it serves to further deepen the conflict and make Laurie's dilemma even more understandable.

Grammar
Your grammar was almost impeccable. While I was reading, I only noticed a couple of flubs that could be considered outright errors:
Quote:
"It was alright," the last Wurmple replied.
Alright is, technically speaking, a word; however, it is not in common usage and should instead be spelled out as 'all right'.
Quote:
She could dance beautifully, just like they did, except instead of dancing on water, she could dance in the skies as a Beautifly.
I don't think that this sentence is technically correct. Instead of the comma after 'did', you should have used a semicolon. Usually, before words like except and however, semicolons are used rather than commas. I believe that the problem you have here is a comma splice, and all that you need to do to fix it is change the comma I pointed out to a semicolon (I also recommend that you read the article; it'll help you out in the future).

But, there's something else I'd like to point out that belongs here more so than anywhere else. Your sentence structure was, while not always incorrect, subpar in some areas. A few of the ones I noticed were as follows:
Quote:
Some Wurmple said Beautifly, others said Dustox.
To me, this sentence felt somewhat obvious; of course not everyone made the same choice! Perhaps you could elaborate it with words on the different choices (ie, 'the graceful Beautifly') or state that the choices were equally matched; the latter option would be a part of Laurie's dilemma, since she would have no influence from her peers on which evolution is the 'better' one. Either way, the sentence would blend with the story better and add a little bit more to it.
Quote:
And then she started glowing white, and when the light subsided, a Silcoon sat where Laurie the Wurmple once stood.
First of all, starting sentences off with 'and' is technically incorrect, although it's often done in less formal styles or dialogue. In this story, it doesn't detract too badly; however, the second 'and' in the sentence does. I personally would replace the comma and 'and' with a semicolon, to eliminate the redundancy issue there.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you would do well to watch your sentence style. Commas are good, but too many commas can make sentences look choppy. Also, be sure to avoid redundant word usage or short, uninteresting sentences that don't add much to your story.

Length
At 10,222 characters, you went above and beyond the length parameters; kudos to you!

Conclusion
Honestly, you have a good story here. While your sentence structure and description could have done with improvement, you had strong grammar and good effort and storyline. Because of this, I'm happy to say that both Wurmples are captured. For next time, just remember to add more description and less redundancy, and you'll do well.
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I laughed, I cried, I testified;
And in the end found this world altogether lacking.

Thanks, Speed and Dino and also Speed! :D
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