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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 03-20-2013, 05:19 AM
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Default A Mother's Love [Rated T for safety]

"Maryanne Marowak was a beautiful, strong woman who deely cared about everything and everyone she came into contact with. Each and every day, we would see her beautiful, smiling face come into Bone Crusher General Hospital, and each and every day, she would mend our wounds and mend our broken souls. She was a strong woman who took care of each and every one of the citizens in Bone Crusher Village. There was nothing that our beloved Maryanne couldn't fix."

The man that stood at the podium made of broken bones once held by his predecessors paused to compose himself. His brown body was covered up by black robes that fell to his ankles. A small black cap sat in between the spikes on his skull-like head. Tears fell from his chocolate eyes, staining his face and the paper he read from. Minister Marowak's voice boomed through the chapel in Bone Crusher Village, and his booming voice could probably be heard even beyond the village gates. He wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his black robes and continued on; he had to continue on. In the back of his mind, not continuing on would be a disgrace to Maryanne Marowak's memory.

"It pains me to say that Maryanne Marowak has left behind two beautiful children, Charles and Caroline Cubone, and a loving husband, Marius Marowak. It is a shame that Maryanne will never get to see young Caroline grow up into a beautiful Marowak like her late mother or see young Charles start his training to become the best Marowak that Bone Crusher Village would ever see. We wish young Charles and Caroline luck in their studies, and we hope that they will live up to their mother's expectations for them. We also wish Marius good luck in his future endeavors. May Maryanne Marowak rest in peace."

Minister Marowak stepped away from his podium and nodded to the two Bellossom in the corner. The Bellossom on the left skipped off first, the bright green and yellow leaves that made up her skirt rustling with each step that she took. A small black hat sat in between the two red flowers on the top of her green head. In her hands was a basket woven out of grass from the outskirts of the village, and in this basket were red and pink roses, Maryanne Marowak's favorite flower. It was custom in Bone Crusher Village to bury the deceased Marowak with their favorite flower. Each of the Marowak and Cubone sitting on the left side of the church hall. The second Bellossom skipped off to the right side of the hall, the green leaves on her skirt dancing with each step she took.

As people took their flowers, they moved to lay them on Maryanne Marowak's lifeless body. Her brown eyes were closed, and her face was expressionless. Any marks that would have shown her murder were patched up by the Audino, Chansey, and Blissey working in Bone Crusher General Hospital, where Maryanne ultimately passed away. Her brown body simply laid lifelessly in the wooden coffin made by the hard-working Machamp and Conkeldurr in the village, and the bone she carried around with her had been placed in her hands, which were folded neatly on her beige stomach.

Just past the coffin were two Cubone, their cracked skull heads stained with the tears that fell from their black eyes. Their light beige and brown bodies were covered up by the same black robes that everyone else in the village was wearing today, and black hats sat on their heads. The Cubone closest to the coffin was wearing a necklace made of grass and red rose petals. As each visitor passed, they shook hands with Caroline Cubone, then Charles Cubone, and finally Marius Marowak before making their way out of the church and back to their homes to mourn with their families.

The events surrounding Maryanne Marowak's death were a mystery. She had been at Bone Crusher General Hospital, and her shift had just ended. At some point after she left the hospital, she had been attacked and murdered. Her lifeless body had been found in the village by one of the Conkeldurr going to his night shift job. A week later, today, her funeral was held in Bone Crusher Church.

Unfortunately, no one knew who killed Maryanne Marowak.

Everyone in the village loved Maryanne. The few that didn't always acted like they did, and none of them had any motive to kill her. Caroline, Charles, and Marius knew that. They were there when everyone who had some sort of dislike for Maryanne was interviewed. None of them had any motive for killing her.

No one worked today. It had been declared a day of mourning for Maryanne Marowak. So many people in the village loved her, and even the people that disliked her felt grief from her passing. The children were kept home from their training, and those in the village that worked had the day off. Except for a few children who hadn't been told the story of grieving Cubone when and if their mothers passed away while they were still Cubone, the village was quiet. The few children who still had their innocence were the only ones that brought life to the village today, and Charles Cubone had joined them until the sun set behind the grassy hills beyond their home.

"Charles," a voice called as the young Cubone walked into the house. Charles Cubone was only a few weeks old, and he was Maryanne and Marius' youngest child. They hadn't been expecting a second child, but the moment Maryanne laid eyes on her dearest Charles, she was in love. Marius couldn't say no to his wife.

"Dad, I'm fine," Charles said as he began to walk up the stone stairs to his bedroom.

"Charles, we need to talk," Marius said softly. Charles froze; he knew what this was about.

Once a Cubone was a few weeks old, their parents (or in some cases, just the father) would tell them the story of Marowak mothers and what happens when they die. It's tradition that every Cubone is told when they're a few weeks old in Bone Crusher Village. It's a story that every Cubone learns before their first day of school. It's a story that every Marowak knows by heart.

Charles took a seat in his favorite chair made of stones with grassy pillows. His father was seated on the stone couch opposite his son, and pillows made of pink rose petals helped make the couch more comfortable. Marius leaned forward, his brown eyes fixated on his son.

"I hate to do this now, so soon after your mother's death, but you're starting school next week, and Caroline's going back to school," Marius said softly. "You have to know the story before you go to school. It's a necessary evil, unfortunately, and I'm sorry."

"I know, dad. Can you just give me the short version so I can go to bed?" Charles replied. A weak smile appeared on the Marowak's face. If the situation hadn't been so serious and he hadn't been so upset from his wife's recent passing, he probably would have laughed.

"I'll see what I can do, kiddo," Marius replied. "Some of this you may already know from your fellow Cubone around the village, and you've seen a lot today. When someone dies, not necessarily a Marowak or even a family member, we mourn. If we've felt any sort of connection to the deceased person, we mourn. Every Pokemon mourns differently, Charles, but Cubone have similar mourning patterns. When a Cubone cries, and you've probably noticed this yourself, your skull vibrates. The sound it makes is a sound of mourning, and on the night of the full moon, it's worse. Humans fear the full moon because of the cries of a Cubone in mourning."

Marius paused, and he shifted his gaze to hole that had been carved in one of the stone walls that made up their home. One could see the moon through this window, and it was nearly full. The weak smile that was on his face faded away.

"The full moon is coming soon," Marius said, bringing his attention back to Charles. "You'll find yourself looking at the moon that night. You'll understand why as soon as you see it. Don't be scared when you see her, Charles. She's in a better, safer place now."

Charles tilted his head to the side. What did his father mean when he said not to be scared when he saw her? Who was this person that he would see on the night of the full moon? Young Charles opened his mouth to ask the questions that flooded his mind, but Marius stood up and stretched.

"I suggest you get some rest, though, kiddo. Monday's going to be a big day for you," Marius said. "Good night, Charles."

*****

Sunday night rolled around much quicker than Charles would have liked it to. When the sun rose again, he would be joining his fellow Cubone at school for the first time. Normally, children looked forward to school, but Charles would bet the bone he always carried with him that none of them had just lost their mother. None of them had to spend the past week listening to the Growlithe Police interrogate fellow villagers. None of them had to listen to every other villager apologize over his mother's death. Apologizing wasn't going to bring Maryanne Marowak back. Nothing was going to bring her back.

Charles found himself looking at the full moon that illuminated the dark sky outside of his bedroom window. In the next room over, he could hear his sister's cries. They got louder and louder until she was wailing and shrieking. Charles wanted to move to see if Caroline was alright; her bloodcurdling shrieks were concerning him, but he found himself fixated in the spot he was in. He couldn't move. His gaze was fixated on the full moon outside. He couldn't even open his mouth to call her name.

And then he saw it. He saw her face in the moon.

But it couldn't be. She was gone. She had been killed.

Maryanne Marowak's face was on the moon. His mother's face was the moon, and the rest of her body was starting to materialize with it. Around her neck was the rose petal necklace that Caroline wore at the funeral. It couldn't be. Charles tried to move again, to go into his sister's room and find out what the deal was with the necklace, but he couldn't move. He couldn't do anything.

Until he started screaming. Until he started shrieking. Until the bloodcurdling cries began.

*****

Charles Cubone couldn't really remember when he fell asleep, but he did. When he woke up on Monday morning, the morning of his first day of school, he had a headache. He could move, and he could make noise, but his head was killing him. The knock at the door made him groan, and he frowned when Caroline came in uninvited.

"Come on, get up, lazy bones. Your first day of school is today!" Caroline said as she jumped on the bed. Charles groaned again; he didn't want to get up and go to school. He wanted to lay in bed. "If you don't get downstairs in five minutes, dad's gonna be pretty mad!"

'Great. Now I really do have to get up!' Charles thought as he rolled out of bed.

"Yay, you're up!" Caroline cheered.

"Yeah, now get out. I'll be downstairs in like five minutes," Charles replied, waving his hand dismissively at his sister. Caroline got the message, and she quickly exited the room. Now that she was gone, Charles took a seat on his bed, gazing out of the window.

"What was it that I saw last night?" Charles quietly asked himself. The moon had been replaced by the bright sun, and the purples and dark blues of the night sky had been replaced by the oranges and reds of the morning sky. "What's happening to me?"

Charles shook his head. He didn't have time to think about this right now. He could deal with it later. He could talk to his dad about it later. Right now, he needed to grab his bone and get downstairs so that he and Caroline could walk to school together.

Caroline. Of course. Maybe Caroline would know what was going on in poor Charles' head.

The young Cubone skipped breakfast, and he found himself eagerly awaiting his sister outside. When she finally came outside, wiping the Miltank Milk mustache she earned from her bowl of PokeCereal, Charles was bouncing on his stubby brown legs.

"Someone's pretty excited," Caroline noted as they started walking towards the school, which was on the northern edge of the village.

"Well, I'm really just excited to talk to you, Caroline. We never get to see each other anymore. I think this past week was the most time I've ever spent with you," Charles replied. It was true though. Caroline had always been busy at school, and prior to their mother's murder, they barely saw each other outside of meal times.

"Is it about last night?" Caroline asked. Charles nodded, and Caroline managed a weak smile. "I saw her last night too, Charlie. It's just an illusion though. It's not real. Try not to think too much about it."

Try not to think too much about it? Charlie frowned at that response. How was he supposed to try not to think too much about seeing his mother's face in the moon? That was something easier said than done, but if Caroline could do it, then Charlie could too. Charles Cubone would have to try not to think too much about seeing his mother's face in the moon. Caroline saw it too, so it had to be normal. Charlie wasn't going crazy; he was just going through what every other Cubone in life had gone through.

*****

Charlie took the last seat in the first row at school. The wooden desks had little name tags on them with each Cubone student's name scribbled on it in black ink, and it was arranged in alphabetical order. He was glad he got to sit in the back. He kind of didn't want to be here today. Today was the first day of Charlie's training to become a strong and powerful Marowak like his late mother and father before him.

Every Cubone starts this training when they're about a few weeks old, and it takes two years to complete on average. Some Cubone finish in a year or a year and a half, and some Cubone finish in three, sometimes four, years. It all depends on how well you do in school. Regardless, no Cubone can leave the program until they take the trip to Lavender Town. It is there that they take their test to see if they're ready to leave the program. If they pass, they come back to Bone Crusher Village and participate in the evolution ceremonies. If they fail, they stay in the program until the next year.

The classroom quickly started to fill up as more and more Cubone come into the room. Charlie didn't have much of an opportunity to take in his fellow classmates or even try and learn some of their names because as soon as the last Cubone came in and took a seat at their wooden desk, a Marowak walked into the room and slammed his bone on his stone desk.

"My name is Marlon Marowak, and I will be your instructor for at least the next year," the Marowak spoke once all eyes were on him. "Should you prove you have the ability to finish in a year, then so be it. If you must know, no student has ever completed the program in under a year with me."

Charlie gulped. No Cubone finished the program under a year with Marlon? He didn't even think he was going to finish in two years like he was supposed to. Now he was better off doubling his sentence. There was no way Charlie was going to finish in two years under Marlon's tutelage.

*****

A few weeks into Charlie's schooling, progress reports came out. As Charlie and his sister walked home from school, they exchanged progress reports. As the big sister, Caroline was genuinely concerned for her baby brother's well being at school.

"Charlie, you're practically failing everything!" Caroline exclaimed as they rounded a corner and entered the village square.

"Yeah, well, I don't really ever want to be there either," Charlie mumbled, swapping progress reports with Caroline. The last thing he wanted was to be lectured on his progress report. He was already going to get enough of that from his father.

Caroline's grades were spectacular. Her teacher had written something about how she had improved since the last time progress reports were sent home. She was crediting it on her mother's death; Caroline even noted an improvement in her schooling after she'd returned.

Charlie, on the other hand, had been doing poorly ever since his first day. He never even wanted to be there, yet he was forced to be there. It was unfortunate. Charles would have rather spent his days at home learning something more practical or having fun. Instead, he was forced to spend his days at school, learning how to become a killing machine. At least, that was how he saw it.

"Dad's not gonna be happy about this," Caroline said, causing her brother to roll his eyes.

"Tell me something I don't know, Caroline," Charlie snapped. To Marius Marowak, failure was unacceptable. Charlie learned that when he overheard a conversation between his parents and Caroline. His parents never found out that he had been eavesdropping, but Caroline had caught him as he tried to scramble back to his room. She had been sworn to secrecy. If there was anything that Charlie believed his sister was good for, it was keeping things from their parents unless it involved something that could get them killed.

They arrived home before Caroline could respond. Marius was waiting at the door for the Cubone siblings, and as they walked in, they handed their father their progress reports. Caroline went upstairs once she entered the house, but Charlie didn't bother going too far. He simply plopped himself down in one of the stone armchairs with a sigh. There was no point in going too far when he was just going to get called back into the living room anyways.

"Is there a particular reason why you're failing all of your classes?" Marius asked as he took a seat on the stone couch. He placed both progress reports, which had been done on leaves.

"I don't know. I'm just not that good at stuff yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything," Charlie replied with a shrug. The last thing his father needed to know was that he hated school. He hated being turned into a killing machine. Put that on top of the fact that he was failing all of his classes, and Charlie would be a dead Cubone.

"Well, start studying. I expect these grades to go up before your next progress report," Marius sternly replied. "If they don't, you can expect to see some disciplinary action."

"Yes, sir," Charlie said quietly. With a quiet sigh, Charlie stood up from the stone chair he sat in and made his way up the stairs and into his bedroom.
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2013, 05:22 AM
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Default Re: A Mother's Love [Rated T for safety]

*****

The next few months were the longest ever for young Charlie. He continued his training, and there were small signs of improvement. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was something, and to Charles Cubone, that was better than nothing at all. His sister, on the other hand, was doing excellent; according to her teachers, Caroline was nearing the end of her education. Soon enough, she'd be a Marowak. She'd be a Marowak, and she'd leave. She'd find an attractive male Marowak, and Charlie would be all alone.

The thought scared Charlie, and he certainly didn't want to think about it. He was the laughingstock of the school right now with his poor grades, and now, because of his poor grades, he found himself sitting in class after school hours. His teacher, Marlon Marowak, and Caroline had already arrived; they were just waiting for Marius.

This was an intervention, and Charlie knew why. He'd overheard another Cubone in another class talking about it because it had happened to his brother, but that was because of his behavior. It would pretty much be the same for Charlie. His teacher would be there, and his family would be there. They'd talk, and if the intervention didn't help, it would lead to after school training until the evening. Charlie didn't want to know what would happen if that ended up failing too.

Marius entered the room and took a seat next to Caroline, and fear washed over Charlie's face. It was about to begin. The worst half hour of his life was about to begin.

"I think you know why you're here, Charles," Marlon calmly stated. Charlie could only nod his head; he couldn't find his voice. He didn't want to find his voice. "Good. Then I'll allow Caroline to start her part, then your father, and then we'll finish with myself. Miss Cubone, if you will."

Charlie's black eyes fixated on his sister. He could see the hurt on her face; she didn't want to be here. She didn't want to do this. She wanted Charlie to succeed too. Caroline was like their mother in that sense; Maryanne Marowak only wanted her children to succeed in life, and she'd do whatever she could to help with that. If she was here, Charlie probably wouldn't be sitting in this classroom right now.

"Charlie, I'm sorry," Caroline started. Her voice was shaky; this was so unlike her. Charlie always looked at Caroline as the confident one. The one he'd go to if there were any problems in his life that his parents shouldn't know about. Caroline was his big sister. She was always there for him. "I don't really know what to say, to be honest. I just want you to be successful, to be happy. Charlie, if you need anything, and I mean anything, please just come to me. I don't care if it's at two in the morning or right after dinner, just come to me. I don't want to lose my baby brother."

Charlie nodded, and Caroline's gaze shifted from her brother to the bone she held in her hand. He could see the tears forming in her eyes, tears that she was struggling to hold back. If there was one thing Caroline Cubone never did, it was cry, especially in front of people. Charlie had only seen Caroline cry once, and that was after their mother's death.

"Charles, I've already spoken to you once after your first progress report came home," Marius stated, his brown eyes fixated on his son. "I told you if your grades didn't improve, there would be disciplinary action. Your grades have improved a little, so I'm giving you one last chance to bring them up. If they don't improve significantly following the trip to Lavender Town, then private training sessions will be arranged with your teacher until they do improve. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Charlie timidly replied. It was the first, and probably only, time young Charlie would find his voice. He didn't want to try and find it when Marlon spoke, but he would probably have to or risk further punishment.

"Very well then. Charles, I believe that you do have great potential. I believe that you can be a powerful Marowak once you evolve, and hopefully one day, I will see that happen. However, right now, we need to tap into that potential. The Lavender Town trip is coming soon, and I believe that would be the perfect time to tap into that potential," Marlon stated. Charlie nodded; it seemed like the right thing to do right now. "If we can't tap into that potential on the trip, the private training sessions will start, and sooner or later, we'll tap into that potential hiding inside of you."

Charlie nodded again, and Marlon clapped. When the Marowak teacher spoke again, he sounded a bit more cheerful. "I think that's all for today then! I'll see you tomorrow, Charles. Caroline, Marius, have a nice evening."

If by nice, Marlon meant terrible, then Caroline would definitely be having an excellent evening. The poor girl looked like she was about to curl up into the fetal position and cry herself to sleep. Charlie would probably have a sleepless night, not just because of his sister's crying, but because of the events that would be happening within the coming weeks.

*****

The week after Charlie's intervention, it was two days before the Lavender Town trip. Charlie's class would meet up for a couple hours to discuss last minute preparations for the trip and also to tell the story of the Lavender Town Marowak. Charlie was kind of grateful for the upcoming trip. He would be able to get away from his father and sister for a few days. He wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of doing well in school; he could have a little fun for once in his life.

He arrived to class just before Marlon did on the day of the storytelling. Had he been two minutes later, he would've been late to class, and that was the last thing that Charlie needed right now, especially before the trip. Though Marlon Marowak didn't have the power to not allow him on the trip, he did have the power to punish him severely prior to and during the trip. Charlie wanted none of that.

"Alright, class, as I'm sure you're already aware, today is the last day of class before the Lavender Town trip. Today, I will be telling you the story of Marowak," Marlon announced. "Gather 'round."

The students got up from their desks and created a semi-circle around the stone chair Marlon was seated in. Charlie took a seat towards the back; he wanted to be as far away from Marlon as possible.

"Once upon a time, there was a Marowak and her Cubone son. This Marowak and her Cubone lived in the Pokemon Tower in Lavender Town. It is here that this Marowak mother died protecting her son," Marlon calmly said. "It is here where her ghost resides. It is because of her that at every full moon, Cubone cry uncontrollably until the moon disappears again. Her spirit has since been set free, but her legacy lives on."

There was a hushed silence as the students exchanged expressions. Charlie shivered; his mother's spirit was probably in that tower. His mother was murdered, and her murderer was still roaming free in the village or even outside of it, waiting to strike again when the citizens of Bone Crusher Village would least expect it.

"Okay, class, that's all for today. Remember to arrive at the village gates no later than eight thirty in the morning. We will be departing right at nine, so if you're late, you will not be joining us. Also remember that we're doing bag checks, so please don't bring any weapons besides your bones. If you have any weapons outside of your bones, you will be kicked out of the school, and you will not be permitted to attend the trip," Marlon finished. "Class dismissed."

Charlie was the first to leap up and exit the room, stumbling over his fellow Cubone as they stretched and rose from their seated positions on the grassy carpet. He was glad to get out of the room. He couldn't stand being around Marlon any longer than he had to, and he certainly didn't want to be around any of his classmates either. He hated this school, and he couldn't wait to get away from them all.

*****

And so the day of the Lavender Town trip finally arrived. Charlie's class gathered at the village gates at eight thirty in the morning, and they were leaving half an hour later with the entire class. Bone Crusher Village wasn't too far away from Lavender Town; it only took about three hours to get there. Once they arrived, they entered the Pokemon Tower, traveled up to the first floor, and had lunch.

All of the action happened following the lunch break. The group, led by Marlon, travelled up to the higher levels, and as soon as they arrived on the fifth floor, they were ambushed by the multitude of Gastly and Haunter that roamed the tower.

Charlie hid in the middle of the group, trying to avoid the fight. The rest of his class as well as Marlon were eager to fight, and as such, they were taking on the purple ghosts with excitement. Bones flew around and returned to their owners as if they were boomerangs, and occasionally, Marlon the Marowak would release a burst of flames from his mouth that took out some of the ghosts.

The battle was nearly over, but Charlie saw his classmates drop one by one. The young Cubone brought himself back up to his full height, trembling, and as he did so, Marlon collapsed as well. Only two words made it out of Charlie's mouth, and he didn't speak any higher than a whisper. "Destiny Bond."

It was an attack that would knock out the opponent once the user was knocked out. So many Gastly and Haunter had been defeated, and now his whole group was knocked out. Charlie was on his own, and he was panicking. He didn't want to be in this situation.

"You can do it, Charlie."

Charlie jumped at the sound of the voice. He looked around frantically, his black eyes scanning the room for the source of the voice. His fellow Cubone and his teacher were out cold. The Haunter, a purple ghost with matching clawed hands that floated alongside its body, certainly hadn't spoke to him. He opened his mouth to call out to the voice, to ask for some help, but he had been knocked back into some gravestones by a large purple ball.

The young Cubone brought himself back to his feet and flung his bone at the Haunter. It collided with the ghost and flew back to Charlie, who caught it with ease. Charlie growled at the ghost; if defeating this ghost was what it took to meet the person who believed in him, then so be it.

He launched himself at the ghost as another Shadow Ball was shot towards him. Charlie used his bone as a bat and swung at the ball, sending it flying back to Haunter. The purple ghost let out a high pitched scream as it was knocked back by its own attack. Charlie closed in and slammed his bone on the Haunter's head, sending it crashing into the ground. It disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke upon contact with the tiled floor of the Pokemon Tower, and Charlie was left alone, panting.

His screams were the next to fill the room as he collapsed to the ground, dropping his bone and clutching his skull-like head. Ragged breaths and sobs escaped Charlie as he curled up in a ball on the ground. He had no idea what was happening or even if this was supposed to be happy.

White surrounded Charlie, and he panicked even more. Was he dead? Had the Haunter he just defeated come back and killed him without him even knowing? Charlie looked around frantically, his brown hands up in the best attacking stance he could muster up. His bone wasn't to be found, and despite the quick thinking he just demonstrated with that Haunter moments ago, Charlie wasn't much of a fighter, and he was totally defenseless without his bone.

"Charlie," a voice called from behind the Cubone. Charlie spun around, and his black eyes fixated on a Marowak. This wasn't just any old Marowak though; this was his mother.

"Mommy," Charlie whimpered, running up to her. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but he fell forward and landed on his face. As he brought himself up into a sitting position, he could hear his mother's laughter, and tears filled his eyes.

"Oh, Charlie, I'm sorry, but you can't hug me. I'm a ghost, like that Haunter you so bravely defeated," Maryanne Marowak told her son with a weak smile. "And I knew you could do it too. You're so brave."

"I'm not brave. I'm failing at school," Charlie mumbled, crossing his arms.

"You were brave enough to defeat that Haunter, and I know you'll be brave enough to do what I'm about to ask you to do," Maryanne replied. Charlie looked up into his mother's brown eyes, and he could see the hurt in them. "I want you to avenge me, Charlie. I want you to go and kill the person who murdered me."

"What?" Charlie stuttered. This had to be a joke. Charlie couldn't kill anyone. He couldn't even kill a fly, so killing a human being would be next to impossible. "Mom, I can't do that!"

"Yes, you can, my brave little Cubone," his mother replied. Charlie shook his head. "Yes, you can. I believe in you, Charlie. When the time comes, I know you'll be able to do it. I know you'll be able to kill Marlon."

"Marlon!?" Charlie squeaked. "Mom, you can't be serious! I can't do this! I just can't!"

But despite being able to see her mouth move, Charlie couldn't hear the last words Maryanne said because he was being brought back into reality.

*****
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Old 03-20-2013, 05:25 AM
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Default Re: A Mother's Love [Rated T for safety]

Charles Cubone woke up in the village hospital that evening. The day had already turned into night, and a half moon lingered in the sky amongst the stars. The only person by his bedside was his sister, Caroline.

"Where's dad?" Charlie asked as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

"He went to go talk to your teacher, and then he said he was going home," Caroline replied. "I heard the stories from your classmates, but I didn't believe them. What happened today?"

"I don't really know myself," Charlie said softly. "I remember defeating that Haunter, and then I heard mom's voice. She said Marlon was the one who murdered her, and that she wanted me to avenge her by killing him."

"Are you going to do it?" Caroline asked.

"No!" Charlie quickly replied. He hesitated for a moment and shook his head. "Well, I don't know. She said I'd be able to when the time came, but I honestly don't really know."

Charlie was released from the hospital the next morning, and he was able to attend classes as usual. Throughout the entire class, his classmates would talk about him behind his back. Apparently, on the way back from Lavender Town, Charlie was thrashing about in Marlon's arms and talking nonsense. They contributed it to his mother's death as he kept talking about her as he thrashed about in Marlon's arms.

He had also started his private lessons with Marlon following the trip. If Charlie hadn't gone a little crazy after defeating that Haunter, he probably wouldn't be in this situation right now, but Marius thought it was best for his son to have the private lessons. Charlie found himself improving as a fighter, and he was slowly gaining more confidence in his skills. He even picked up a few good techniques from Marlon, such as Flamethrower, which was the attack Charlie's teacher had used at the tower, and AncientPower, an attack that would send rocks flying towards the opponent at the user's will. AncientPower also had a chance to raise Charlie's power temporarily.

Today's training session would be the last, though. Three weeks into Charlie's private lessons with Marlon, there was an explosion in the village square. Marlon quickly left to investigate, and Caroline, who stayed back so that she could walk home with her brother after his lessons and provide moral support, fell out of her slumber and her chair. She found her brother standing by the window, watching the various Pokemon residents of Bone Crusher Village frantically run around.

"Charlie! We have to get out there and help!" Caroline shouted at her brother. She was now standing by the door, bouncing on her feet. Charlie turned to his sister; she was right. They had to go help.

As they ran out of the school and into the hectic streets of the village, they could hear Chatot, a colorful bird with a music note for a head, repeating the words of the village mayor, "women and children get out now! Women and children get out now!" Caroline pulled her brother into a dark alleyway and hid.

"Caroline, we should go. You heard the Chatot," Charlie whispered.

"No! We're staying," Caroline told her brother. "Mom said that Marlon was the one that murdered her. We're going to avenge her, Charlie. Together."

Charlie looked into his sister's black eyes, and he could see the flames of determination in them. He nodded. With Caroline by his side, he'd be able to do it.

"And together, you shall die," Marlon announced, holding his bone threateningly over Charlie and Caroline's heads. The siblings moved just in time to avoid the deadly blow by the Marowak's bone. "So you figured out I was the one that killed your mother. I was so hoping to kill you two and your father off before you put two and two together."

Charlie could feel the rage burning inside of him. This man, a man who he had trained with, was the one who killed his mother. The sweetest woman in Bone Crusher Village had been murdered by this man, and now Charlie was going to avenge her. Charles and Caroline Cubone would avenge Maryanne Marowak together now.

Flames were the only thing that illuminated the dark alley. Flames were the only thing allowing the Cubone siblings and Marlon to see each other. Caroline lunged forward and swung her bone at Marlon, but he was able to quickly block the attack with his own bone. Charlie leaped up and unleashed flames from his mouth, just over Marlon's head. The flames poured onto Marlon, and he let down his guard, allowing Caroline to get in a few hits with her bone before the Cubone siblings were knocked back by a powerful swipe from Marlon's own bone.

Burns could be seen on Marlon's brown skin. The flames had scorched his previously unharmed skin, and now they were creating flames in his eyes. Charlie found himself trembling as his teacher flung his bone at the Cubone siblings; he had never seen his teacher this angry before. If it hadn't been for Caroline's quick thinking, Charlie probably would have gotten a bone to the face. Caroline had pushed Charlie into the ground and flung her own bone at Marlon's legs. The Marowak collapsed to his knees as the bones flew back to their owners.

Caroline ran towards Marlon while he was down and swung at his dominant hand; the bone in Marlon's hand fell out of it, and Caroline kicked it away. She was now using the opportunity while Marlon was defenseless to whack away at him with her own bone. Charlie looked up at his sister, who was beating away at the defenseless Marlon.

But he wasn't as defenseless as he seemed to be.

Around Marlon and unbeknownst to Caroline, rocks with multi-colored aura were floating in the air. Charlie's eyes widened; this was AncientPower, and it was going to be used on Caroline. She was going to take a direct hit from it... unless Charlie could stop it before it was too late. If he could gain control of the AncientPower, it would probably really help out in the long run.

So the power struggle began. Caroline continued to beat at Marlon until he knocked her away. The rocks began to fly towards Caroline, who was slowly starting to get up, and when they were seconds away from colliding with her, they froze. Charlie had taken control of them. Marlon scrambled to his feet and ran towards his bone, but AncientPower knocked him back down. A faint, multi-colored aura surrounded Charlie briefly; this was the power boost he had learned about.

Marlon was struggling to get up now. The burns on his body combined with the backfiring of his own attack and Caroline's powerful blows were really starting to affect him now. His whole body felt sore, and each movement took much more effort than it normally should have. Marlon managed to get a hold of his bone, and he flung it at the Cubone siblings as best as he could. Charlie leaped forward and used his own bone as a bat, sending the Marowak's bone flying back towards its owner. The bone collided with its owner, and Marlon fell back to the ground, the back of his head colliding with the hard ground beneath him.

Charlie slowly approached his former Marowak teacher, his bone tightly clutched in his hand. Marlon was looking at Charlie with helpless brown eyes; he was too weak to fight on. There was no coming back in a battle he already knew he had lost. With an evil smile, Charlie spoke the last words Marlon would ever hear, "I hope you enjoy Hell. You deserve it for what you did to my mom."

And Charlie delivered the final blow, cracking Marlon's skull and ending his life.

Caroline gasped behind him, but she could hear voices behind her. The crack had echoed through the alleyway, and there was a smally chance that someone outside of the alley had heard. She ran up to her brother and whispered, "Charlie, we have to get out of here. We can't stay here anymore."

Charles Cubone looked at his sister; the innocence had been sucked out of him when he dealt that final blow. He nodded, and with his sister holding his hand, Charlie ran through the streets of Bone Crusher Village. They hid behind the hills beyond the village, and if anyone had been paying any attention in the village, a pair of white lights would have garnered their attention and rose suspicions... not to mention it would have given away the location of Charles and Caroline Marowak.

Pokemon: Cubone x2 {20-40k, Mediums}
Character Count: 39718
Author's Note: This is a little violent. ;x I don't normally write violence, so this is an interesting one for me, but I had a little fun with it, & I went overboard, so that's why I'm hopefully claiming two Cubone from this. It's rated T for safety. One Cubone is for myself, & the other is for Chary since she's gonna draw me a beautiful Vulpix! :3 Broken up into multiple posts because PE2K only allows 20000 characters per post.
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  #4  
Old 04-05-2013, 10:48 PM
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Default Re: A Mother's Love [Rated T for safety]

Love claim <333
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Old 04-07-2013, 05:59 PM
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Default Re: A Mother's Love [Rated T for safety]

Introduction:

One of the most crucial aspects of the introduction is the characters. More specifically, the introduction not only strives to establish who the story is about, but it strives to make the reader care. The caring factor is either pass or fail, and it's extremely important: does the reader care about what happens to this main character, pushing them to read on? Is he or she curious about this character's story? Now, I want to laud you here because you absolutely passed with flying colors. A funeral itself is an almost alienating event because of its sadness, but here you took away from that funeral not only the tone of loss, but you managed to make me care about these two children and their late mother. Whether it was the succinct detail of Maryanne's favorite flowers (this little details are fantastic for characterization) or the fact that the preacher was the father, I'm not quite sure; but I knew immediately that I wanted to know more. Awesome job here!

Plot:

Your plot is quite fascinating because there's more than one issue at hand here. I'm interpreting this story from Charles' point of view; now I have the heartbreaking story of struggle from a man recovering from the loss of a great loved one. From this viewpoint, you did amazing with his initial characterization, personalizing the pain of his loss vicariously through his grades dropping and through his deteriorating relationship with his father. There's also the involving story of the Marowak themselves, of this rich culture that you have crafted, which drives the plot itself. Finally, we have the most important subplot: at the end of the day, this story is a murder-mystery, and I want to find out who done it.

I really just want to take a moment and compliment you here on the phenomenal plotting skills! As outlined above, you managed to balance three plots perfectly well with few faults. This took great skill and it was awesome to read this story. There are a few tone issues and crucial plot moments that I want to briefly go over. But know that your plot was actually very entertaining; it could have been a movie!

Now, the first tone change. From the waves of sadness reverberating from the introduction, we took the sharpest, most driving change in tone.

Quote:
Unfortunately, no one knew who killed Maryanne Marowak.
From here on out, the events described demonstrate a tone of urgency and full creepiness. Now, after reading the full story, I question whether this tone was intentional or not. There is a certain tension that begins building between Caroline and Charles: something changes her by seeing her mother, but ostensibly the narrator was extremely clever in not disclosing to us what exactly that change was. The reader begins to assume a little distrust between the two characters, which greatly heats up the plot. We are now very involved, very intrigued, and the former half of the story breaks down until it seems as if Charles will literally break down himself. This was brilliant!

Now, the tone change in the latter half of the story had me worried because it was no longer as involving. It seemed almost nonchalant; Charles finds from his mother what had actually happened, and then the story just seems to /happen/. Now, the crucial character error here is that Charles simply believes her. There is no delayed moment of his questioning his real mother, questioning how it would have happened or even why; he knows that he hates his instructor, so is it this hate that makes him fully believe the phantom of his mother? In this sense, I almost see Charles as a Hamlet: has he gone mad with the events proceeding his mother's death? Is he so loyal to her that he would absolutely follow everything she says? Now this is the true debate. The fact that I'm heshing this out says great things about Charles' character because this event either destroys his character or completely supplements it. At the end of the story, I still completely care for his character as a reader. So, however you want to take my perceived plot mistake or stroke of genius here, know that I was very happy with how the plot ended up.

Description:

I want to begin by stating that I was very intrigued with the spots of expository explanation provided by the narrator. They were indeed incredibly helpful, from the spot where you described how schooling worked to the big apologizing exposition (the latter specifically was incredibly powerful). It's clear that you know what you're doing with the narrator, and this is crucial for description because the narrator is the raconteur. Now, to go a step further, I would advise planning specifically what the narrator will omit (words that are not said are almost more powerful than those said, as portrayed by the struggling yet silent character of Charles) and specifically where the narrator will say something important. This seems like such a minute writing device, but having these little explanation parts in a crucial area will greatly impact how the reader sees the story. For example, a quick expository spot at the very end would have fully wrapped up the story, although I did feel like you did a wondrous job with the closing itself.

Now, initial detail was almost mesmerizing. The imagery of the Bellossom and more really made my heart hurt; again, these images contributed to the tone that you crafted.

Detail seriously began to falter towards the latter half of the story, again altering the tone into this nonchalant thing because events were not fully described.

Quote:
Once they arrived, they entered the Pokemon Tower, traveled up to the first floor, and had lunch.

All of the action happened following the lunch break. The group, led by Marlon, travelled up to the higher levels, and as soon as they arrived on the fifth floor, they were ambushed by the multitude of Gastly and Haunter that roamed the tower.
This is straight plot. Sometimes, straight plot is a positive device because it quickly delivers what the readers needs to know; however, here, I felt that the straight plot device was ineffective. Here, the lack of description not only gave the story this /event one happens, event two happens/ type of narration, but now I felt like the pacing was greatly skewed. As a general rule of advice, you want to keep description mostly consistent throughout the story. More important events can be described with a little more description; lesser events can use more straight plot. However, never should a story go from one extreme of description to the other.

Finally, I wanted to touch a little bit on the word choice. Be cautious in using the same words for describing something or the same phrase; the imagery of stained tears was incredibly powerful at first, but I could not stop seeing the Cubone without these tears. The word fixated, specifically, was used quite a bit, which did become a little distracting. Description is something all writers are constantly trying to improve, so for you specifically I would advise on working more on consistency of description and tone control.

Grammar:

Going so in-depth because I wuvv you, going a little nit-picky because your control of grammar is already so fantastic and by covering these meticulous issues, you can only go higher.

Quote:
"Where's dad?" Charlie asked as he pushed himself into a sitting position
Quote:
He could talk to his dad about it later.
The former is incorrect because Charles (Charlie?) is using "dad" as a proper noun. Proper nouns are names, places, etc, and because he's using dad as a name, it would be capitalized. The latter is correct; in this version, dad needs to be lower cased because he's referring to his father as a normal noun, as a figure.

Bonus points for using laid/lay correctly!

On a final note, I would advise proof-reading. There was a little error in the first sentence, and another error with placing. Again, these are really minor errors, but there's nothing more that I can say here since your control on grammar is already awesome.

Length:

Wow, you pretty much hit the maximum! Excellent job. There's nothing much more for me to talk about here since I covered pacing in description, so yes, just use consistency to keep everything flowing as it should be.

Outcome:

Both Cubone Absolutely Captured! You are already an inspiring author, so I just wanted to be sure that I covered things in this grade that are for your particular writing level, and not just for a Pokemon of this rank. Thank you for being so patient with me! Work on keeping that detail level, and practice using a specific tone for a specific situation. Also keep in mind the actions that your characters take, their realism, and how that continues to evolve the character as the story goes on. You are awesome. Have fun with the Cubone, and with your Vulpix along the way!
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